E-text, Book II, Chapter 7
David Salo
The Birdbath of Galadriel
The sun was sinking behind the mountains, and it was far too dark to
play golf when Aragon and Frodo cleaned themselves up, got dressed, and
went on again. Night came beneath the trees as they walked, and lamps of
Noldorin crystal automatically lit up the forest -- though Frodo noticed
their odd tendency to flicker off as he passed beneath them.
Suddenly they came out into the open again, and found themselves
staring up at a glittering palace all made of crystal and coloured glass.
Delicate spires and tiny minarets of Elven-colour were cleverly woven into
a beautifully designed castle. A splendid sight. It was the home of
Galadriel, the Elvenqueen.
Frodo gasped. ģIs this where Galadriel lives?ē he asked, disregarding
the previous sentence.
Aragorn shook his head. ģNo, this is just the set for a previous
movie, which never got made because of, er, contractual difficulties.
Galadriel actually lives over here.ē He pointed to a thicket of the
brambly shrubs that the elves name ferlyrn, upon the highest of which was
perched a rough structure of boards nailed hastily together, with a rope
ladder dangling therefrom. Above the platform was the crudely lettered
sign:
GLADREELđS TREE HOWS
(DULBORNS 2!)
POZITIVLY NO DWERWS ALOUD!!!!
Ever since Frodo had set foot upon the far bank of Silverlode, a
strange feeling had come upon him; it seemed to him that his head ached,
there was a sour taste on his tongue and that now and then lights would
flash before of his eyes. Now, as he stood looking up the ladder towards
the treehouse, a rush like a great green wave drowning the fair land of
Numenor came over him, and he suddenly perceived Reality.
He looked down, and saw that his feet had sprouted roots and were
sinking deep, deep into the fertile loam, spreading out so that he could
feel clearly every grain of mould beneath him; each blade of grass sprang
up, keenly speaking its aliveness, and he felt a sudden kinship with the
tree that rose up before him. He could feel it growing, see it rising up
into the sky and spreading its leaves, thirstily draining the aquifer...
Frodo staggered back, overcome by the knowledge. He looked beside him, and
saw Aragon staring down at him with glittering eyes.
ģAre you all right, Frodo?ē he said -- but his voice seemed to come
from a long way away, as if from the bottom of a well.
Frodo tried to say ģyesē, but his voice came out strangely, and it
seemed as if something or someone else was speaking for him. ģWould you
believe me,ē it said, ģif I told you I was being followed by a yellow
Nazdaq?ē
ģNooo...ē said Aragonđs distant voice, and suddenly Aragon twisted
into a tiny blue marble and shot away into the distance. Frodo shook his
head, saw the rope ladder before him, and began to climb.
It seemed to him that the ladder rose up forever, and that he had to
stop many times before he reached the top. At each stage he marked the
great leaves that grew out from the trunk, overshadowing the groups of
elves that sat chatting beneath; while huge black ants roamed up and down
the tree, on their endless quest for Meaning and Food. Woodlice he saw,
and moths resting upon the sad grey bark of the forlorn. Up, up he
climbed, until he reached the stratosphere, the svarga heaven above the
stars, the jungle canopy where the spider monkeys brachiate from branch to
branch. The treehouse floor stretched broad and fair before him, and its
floor was made of lapis lazuli; through the floor he could see the
constellations glimmering fair beneath him. ģCassiopeiaē, he said to
himself.
And there they were, seated upon golden thrones underneath a tapestry
glittering with Jewels: the Lord and the Lady. The Lord was tall and dark
bearded, hairy-chested like a satyr and brimming with virility; he held a
silver athame in his head. The Lady was also tall and deep-cleavaged, with
broad hips like the Willendorf Venus, and in her hand was a fluted chalice
of gold. Secret symbols were drawn upon the floor.
Frodo stood before them, wordless. The Lord welcomed him in his own
tongue, saying, ģA, peryando tiucumba váratalya limbenengwea! Auta!ē The
Lady said no word, but merely licked her lips. And Frodo knew at that
moment that they had looked deep into his soul and perceived the essential
oneness that connected them both at that moment.
Dullborn, perceiving that Frodo was still there, not having understood
a word he had said, used sign language to indicate that he should go stand
in a corner, while he interrogated the remainder of the company, who had
mysteriously materialized on the lapis lazuli. ģSo, Aragon son of
Arathon,ē he said, ģDid you off Gandalf before he could pay me back the
three thousand miriain he owed me?ē
ģNay,ē said Galadriel, her voice resonating like a cracked theorbo.
ģAragon never had the wit to do away with Gandalf. Now tell us where he
is, for he oweth us both money and favors.ē She crossed her legs.
ģAlas!ē said Aragon. ģGandalf was lost in the depths of Moira, taken
by a shadow and a flame, which had no wings...ē
Lego-lass stepped on Aragonđs foot, hard. ģIt was a Balrog of
Mortgage,ē she said. ģIts wings spread from wall to wall, over a span of
thirty years.ē
The dismayed cries of the Elves rang out. ģGandalf? Lost? Without
heirs, beneficiaries, or estate? Now whom can we sue?ē
Lord Dullborn stood up straight and tall. ģAt such a grim time,ē he
said, ģa time of sadness and loss for us all, when strong leadership is
required more than ever, there is only one thing for us to do...ē
ģThatđs right!ē said Halfwit the Elf.
ģ...blame the Dwerrows!ē
ģThe Dwerrows! Itđs all the fault of the Dwerrows! Expel em! Take
away their property! Sterilize em! Hang em! Fry em in oil! Zwergen
raus!ē These were among the more printable remarks made by the Elves
assembled there.
Galadriel coughed, and the treehouse fell silent. ģWhile it is well
known to all of us,ē she said, looking at Giggly, ģthat Dwerrows are
hideous, gnarled, shrunken mutants, with a barbarous speech, no manners,
and a long history of elf-molestation, they are still not to blame for
everything -- just most things. Besides, who can blame the Dwerrow if he
wished to gaze at last at his ancestral home whose entrance lies deep at
the head of that shadowy vale between the mountains known as the Limbs of
Moira?ē
ģDark are the waters of Kleo-patrâ, and warm, oh, warm are the springs
of Kunni-gonda,ē she chanted, running the tip of her tongue over the tops
of her lower teeth.
And Giggly, on hearing the names given in his own ancient tongue,
looked up as far as he could; and it seemed to him that he looked suddenly
into the heart of a perfect stranger and saw there lust and amorous desire.
He smiled in answer, rose, and said politely, ģYou can visit me any time.ē
There was a deathly silence, during which Galadriel stared hard at
each member of the Company. At length Dullborn spoke again. ģGet the hell
out of here, all of you.ē
* * *
That night the Company slept on the ground, as no self-respecting Elf
would allow them into their treehouses. For a little while the travellers
argued among themselves, engaging in unrestrained slander, backbiting, and
feeble excuses for their behaviour.
ģWhat were you wriggling for, Sam?ē interrogated Pipsqueak. ģMaybe
planning on cutting me and Morrie out of the action?ē
ģI never thought no such thing,ē answered Sam. ģIf you want to know,
I felt as if the Lady was looking right through my tunic and seeing the
Rosieđ tattoo on my chest.ē
ģAnd the little fluffy pink lambs embroidered on your shorts,ē Morrie
added helpfully.
ģHey!ē
ģTo me it seemed exceedingly strange,ē said Boromir . ģFor though
they say in our land that the Lady of the Golden Wood possesseth X-ray
vision as well as superhuman endurance, I did marvel that she passed over a
man of my physique so hastily.ē
When Aragon had calmed them all down, he bade them sleep well for the
night. ģAnd if you must go outside, take with you a handful of leaves of
the forlorn; for there is in this land no toilet paper, unless a man bring
it hither himself. Then let him beware!ē
* * *
They remained some days in Lothlorien, so far as they could tell, but
since their watches had all been confiscated at the border, they tended to
lose track of time. All the while they dwelt there Frodođs symptoms
remained unchanged. They had not seen the Lord or Lady again, and the
Elven-folk shunned them as if they were rabid lepers, except for two:
Lego-lass spent all her time among the Elves, and pretended not to see the
companions if they passed near; and Giggly was often seen returning from
Galadrielđs treehouse well after midnight, and the others wondered at this.
And after some weeks had passed, the companions held a wake for
Gandalf. They could sometimes - if they eavesdropped - overhear the Elves
mentioning his Elvish name, Mesprendeur; but if Lego-lass was with the
company, she would not interpret for them, saying that if they wanted her
to be an interpreter they could bloody well pay her, and in any case the
remarks were far too rude.
It was Frodo who first put something of his feelings into words, as
they sat in a circle, talking about their memories of the old bum, and
getting roaring drunk. Frodo had been listening to the Elves singing about
Gandalf, but as he had never gotten better than a C+ in Sindarin class, and
moreover they spoke it with a strong Québecois accent, he understood hardly
anything of what he had heard, and his translation, as repeated to Sam,
must be regarded as if he had made it all up himself.
Picture yourself in a wood by a river,
With golden-leaved trees of unusual size;
Words incomprehensible call to remind you,
The elf with the silmaril eyes.
Elanor flowers of silver and gold,
Springing upon the green lawn.
Look for the elf with the clouds in her hair,
And she's gone.
Varda in the sky with starlight
Varda in the sky with starlight
Varda in the sky with starlight
A....
Follow her down to a grove in the forest
Where feather-tressed maidens spread marshmallow thighs,
Niphredils rise around you under mallorns
That grow so incredibly high.
A boat with a swanđs prow rows on by the shore,
Waiting to take you away.
Sit in the stern with your face to Mordor,
And you're gone.
Varda in the sky with starlight
Varda in the sky with starlight
Varda in the sky with starlight
A....
Picture yourself on a ship in the Ocean,
With oddly-dressed elves wearing beards for disguise,
Suddenly someone is there on an island,
The elf with the silmaril eyes.
Varda in the sky with starlight
Varda in the sky with starlight
Varda in the sky with starlight
A....
ģBut that doesnđt have anything to do with Gandalf at all,ē Sam objected.
ģWell, finish it yourself, then,ē Frodo replied sourly.
ģHow about this,ē said Sam:
Hamburger and fries with ketchup,
Hamburger and fries with ketchup,
Hamburger and fries with ketchup,
Hamburger and fries with ketchup...
Frodo kicked Sam all the way back to the tent.
* * *
One evening, after Frodo and Sam had finally kissed and made up, Frodo
asked: ģSo, Sam, do you think youđve seen enough of the Elves?ē
ģI reckon I have, Master,ē Sam replied. ģTheyđre interesting enough
to start with, but spend a few months with them and theyđre horribly dull.ē
Even as he spoke, as if in answer to his words, there was a sharp
cough and the Lady Galadriel stood before them. She spoke no word, but
offered them a glimpse of well-rounded calf and ankle, and they followed
willingly enough. She led them behind the thicket of treehouses into a
damp, mossy little garden, ornamented with a mirrored globe, a sundial, and
a stone dwarf that was remarkably lifelike except for the lichens growing
upon him.
At the bottom of the garden stood a birdbath filled to the brim with
water. Galadriel stooped and breathed on it, and when the water was still
again she spoke. ģHere is the Birdbath of Galadriel,ē she said. ģI have
brought you here so that you may look in it, if you will.ē
Sam muscled his way past Frodo. ģIđll have a look,ē he said. He
stepped up on a brick and leaned over the basin. ģTheređs only sparrow
droppings, as I thought,ē he said. But suddenly the Birdbath turned muddy,
then clear. Sam gasped. ģHey!ē he shouted. ģTheređs Ted getting a
monopoly on the industrial waste reprocessing business. I wish I could get
at Ted, and Iđd reprocess him!ē
Galadriel shook her head. ģRemember that the Birdbath shows many
things, and not all have yet come to pass. Some never come to be, unless
those that behold the visions turn aside from their path to prevent them.ē
Sam looked puzzled. ģSo you mean that if I donđt go back to the Shire
to fix old Tedđs waggon, he wonđt be turning Bywater Pool into a dump for
toxic sludge?ē
Galadriel snickered behind her hand. ģWell, if you do go back, then
it certainly will happen; and if you donđt go back, it wonđt necessarily
not happen; and if I use conditional sentences that are complicated enough
and have enough multiple negatives, you will get so confused that youđll
stop asking questions and go with the narrative flow. Do you understand?ē
ģNo.ē
ģExcellent. Frodo, itđs your turn.ē
Frodo stepped up to the Birdbath. The night was dark, and its velvet
seemed to stream away from him in waves of purple and indigo, while the
stars played their eerie flutes inside his head. The water swayed before
him as he bent over the basin. His jaw dropped, and saliva began to drip
from his lower lip.
ģWhat do you see?ē Galadriel asked.
ģI see...ē Frodo replied dully, ģan Eye... filling nearly all the
water... it is glazed... yellow as a catđs... watchful... intent... but its
pupil opens onto a pit... a window into Absolute Nothingness... that
Hideous Void where Space and Time become naught, where all individuality is
destroyed, where Azathoth pipes his hideous flutes to the nameless tunes of
Nyarlathotep!ē Frodođs voice, at first low and sluggish, had risen to a
shrill scream.
ģOh,ē said Galadriel. ģThat must be Tivil.ē She sighed, rolled up
her right sleeve, reached deep into the Birdbath up above her elbow, and
hauled out a twisting, hissing creature. She held it up and looked at it
accusingly. It glared back at her through a yellow, slitted eye.
ģNaughty beast!ē Galadriel said. ģHow many times have I told you not
to hide in there? Be along with you now.ē She released it in midair,
where it stretched itself out to reveal scaly flanks, long furry fins
tipped with claws, and a whiskery face that it wiped with its forefins.
Mewing, it flexed its broad, striped tail and swam away through the air
into the trees.
ģAnyway,ē Galadriel said, ģI know what you thought you saw. But I say
to you, Frodo, that however the Dark Lord tries to grope me, still the door
is closed!ē She turned to the East, crossing her arms and legs in a gesture
of rejection and denial.
ģWow,ē said Frodo. ģYou are beautiful and sexy, Lady Galadriel. I
will give you the One Ring, if you want it.ē
Galadriel tossed her head in the gesture known to the Elves as the
maewest. ģThatđs enough from youē she replied. ģMaybe a lot of other
girls would fall for that line, but not me. You see, already all love me
and despair.ē
She lifted up her hand, and from a cleverly hidden spotlight there
issued a great light that illumined her alone and left all else dark.
Moody music with lots of violins emanated from out the thick air, and all
around the garden came the click of the cameras of the paparazzi.
Then she let her hand fall, and the spot switched off. ģSo you see,ē
she continued, ģI donđt need anything at all that you can offer.ē She
turned to Sam, who sat cowering in the dirt. ģHave you understood anything
at all that youđve seen here?ē
ģNo, Lady,ē he replied humbly. ģBut can I have your autograph?ē
wilb...@aol.com
Bravo!!! I especially enjoyed the Beatles parody!!! Excellent Chapter
full of wonderful references . . .
Mark
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
O. Sharp
I can only lean back in bafflement amd amazement. :) :) :)
...which is a _compliment_, by the way. :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
o...@netcom.com I particularly like how Lego-lass is so obviously
distancing herself from the _ugly_ peoples. :)
Karim Arain
>Book II, Chapter 7
>
>The Birdbath of Galadriel
>
[SNIP excellent chapter]
Bravo! That will be a really hard act to follow. I escpecially loved
Frodo's LSD trip (or is it VSS instead of LSD, since it is "Varda in
the sky with starlight" instead of "Lucy in the sky with diamonds"?).
And the dwarf-elf-relationship was really funny (oh, yes, BTW, it is
"Zwerge raus" not "Zwergen raus"). But what really got me was Tivil in
the birdbath! Hillarious!
And a lot of questions remain: Will Frodo ever get off his VSS-Trip ?
Will Sam be able to resist his urge to rush home and free the
depressed and toxically wasted masses from Ted Sandyman's imperialism?
Will he ever understand anything again Galadriel says? Hmm. Well, the
next chapter will be out at about Wednesday, I think, so read on and
find out!
Ciao. Karim
--
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you.
Aris Katsaris
David Salo <ds...@usa.net> wrote in message
news:dsalo-ya02408000...@news.terracom.net...
> Book II, Chapter 7
[snip]
Excellent chapter by the way. Loved the anti-Dwarf bias, as well
as this alternate Galadriel.. :-)
But let us decide once and for all: Is it Mordred or Mortgage?
Is it Tinwelint or Thinowilld? In the last two chapters there have
been two inconsistencies...
We *have* to keep the names consistent, people... I've already
objected changing them from their original ones, but let's
atleast keep the changes consistent...
Aris Katsaris
Amy
> ³No, Lady,² he replied humbly. ³But can I have your autograph?²
Ha. Loved this, esp. the part about Frodo and Sam "kissing and making
up," *snicker.*
Amy
--
Least Expected--A Tolkien Slash Site
http://www.geocities.com/WestHollywood/Club/1819/tolkienwarn.html
David Salo
<kats...@otenet.gr> wrote:
> But let us decide once and for all: Is it Mordred or Mortgage?
> Is it Tinwelint or Thinowilld? In the last two chapters there have
> been two inconsistencies...
The Great Enemy from whose Iron Fist Bluto stole a _slipcast_ was
Mordred. However, the Balrog that the Company met was a Balrog of Mortgage
and has nothing to do with Mordred at all. Got it?
(aside): Goldarn pedant. He oughta be on rec.arts.books.tolkien or
sumpin'.
Aris Katsaris
> <kats...@otenet.gr> wrote:
>
> > But let us decide once and for all: Is it Mordred or Mortgage?
> > Is it Tinwelint or Thinowilld? In the last two chapters there have
> > been two inconsistencies...
>
> The Great Enemy from whose Iron Fist Bluto stole a _slipcast_ was
> Mordred. However, the Balrog that the Company met was a Balrog of
Mortgage
> and has nothing to do with Mordred at all. Got it?
<rolls eyes> Okay, okay... And the same stands for Tinwelint/Thinowilld? I
still say we strive for consistency.
> (aside): Goldarn pedant. He oughta be on rec.arts.books.tolkien or
> sumpin'.
<g> I'm the lord of nitpicking, haven't you gotten that already?
Aris Katsaris
the softrat
<kats...@otenet.gr> wrote:
><g> I'm the lord of nitpicking, haven't you gotten that already?
>
>Aris Katsaris
'Nitpicking' ? Is that a small village in The Netherlands?
the softrat
mailto:sof...@pobox.com
--
May the Farce Be With You
Philipp Hense
philipp
"David Salo" <ds...@usa.net> schrieb im Newsbeitrag
news:dsalo-ya02408000...@news.terracom.net...
> Book II, Chapter 7
>
> The Birdbath of Galadriel
>
>
> The sun was sinking behind the mountains, and it was far too dark to
> play golf when Aragon and Frodo cleaned themselves up, got dressed, and
> went on again. Night came beneath the trees as they walked, and lamps of
> Noldorin crystal automatically lit up the forest -- though Frodo noticed
> their odd tendency to flicker off as he passed beneath them.
> Suddenly they came out into the open again, and found themselves
> staring up at a glittering palace all made of crystal and coloured glass.
> Delicate spires and tiny minarets of Elven-colour were cleverly woven into
> a beautifully designed castle. A splendid sight. It was the home of
> Galadriel, the Elvenqueen.
disregarding
> the previous sentence.
> Aragorn shook his head. łNo, this is just the set for a previous
> movie, which never got made because of, er, contractual difficulties.
> brambly shrubs that the elves name ferlyrn, upon the highest of which was
> perched a rough structure of boards nailed hastily together, with a rope
> ladder dangling therefrom. Above the platform was the crudely lettered
> sign:
>
> (DULBORNS 2!)
> POZITIVLY NO DWERWS ALOUD!!!!
>
> Ever since Frodo had set foot upon the far bank of Silverlode, a
> strange feeling had come upon him; it seemed to him that his head ached,
> there was a sour taste on his tongue and that now and then lights would
> flash before of his eyes. Now, as he stood looking up the ladder towards
> the treehouse, a rush like a great green wave drowning the fair land of
> Numenor came over him, and he suddenly perceived Reality.
> He looked down, and saw that his feet had sprouted roots and were
> sinking deep, deep into the fertile loam, spreading out so that he could
> feel clearly every grain of mould beneath him; each blade of grass sprang
> up, keenly speaking its aliveness, and he felt a sudden kinship with the
> tree that rose up before him. He could feel it growing, see it rising up
> into the sky and spreading its leaves, thirstily draining the aquifer...
> Frodo staggered back, overcome by the knowledge. He looked beside him,
and
> saw Aragon staring down at him with glittering eyes.
> from a long way away, as if from the bottom of a well.
> seemed as if something or someone else was speaking for him. łWould you
> believe me,˛ it said, łif I told you I was being followed by a yellow
> Nazdaq?˛
> łNooo...˛ said Aragonąs distant voice, and suddenly Aragon twisted
> into a tiny blue marble and shot away into the distance. Frodo shook his
> head, saw the rope ladder before him, and began to climb.
>
> It seemed to him that the ladder rose up forever, and that he had to
> stop many times before he reached the top. At each stage he marked the
> great leaves that grew out from the trunk, overshadowing the groups of
> elves that sat chatting beneath; while huge black ants roamed up and down
> the tree, on their endless quest for Meaning and Food. Woodlice he saw,
> and moths resting upon the sad grey bark of the forlorn. Up, up he
> climbed, until he reached the stratosphere, the svarga heaven above the
> stars, the jungle canopy where the spider monkeys brachiate from branch to
> branch. The treehouse floor stretched broad and fair before him, and its
> floor was made of lapis lazuli; through the floor he could see the
> himself.
>
> And there they were, seated upon golden thrones underneath a tapestry
> glittering with Jewels: the Lord and the Lady. The Lord was tall and dark
> bearded, hairy-chested like a satyr and brimming with virility; he held a
> silver athame in his head. The Lady was also tall and deep-cleavaged,
with
> broad hips like the Willendorf Venus, and in her hand was a fluted chalice
> of gold. Secret symbols were drawn upon the floor.
> Frodo stood before them, wordless. The Lord welcomed him in his own
> Lady said no word, but merely licked her lips. And Frodo knew at that
> moment that they had looked deep into his soul and perceived the essential
> oneness that connected them both at that moment.
>
> Dullborn, perceiving that Frodo was still there, not having
understood
> a word he had said, used sign language to indicate that he should go stand
> in a corner, while he interrogated the remainder of the company, who had
> Arathon,˛ he said, łDid you off Gandalf before he could pay me back the
> three thousand miriain he owed me?˛
> łNay,˛ said Galadriel, her voice resonating like a cracked theorbo.
> łAragon never had the wit to do away with Gandalf. Now tell us where he
> is, for he oweth us both money and favors.˛ She crossed her legs.
> łAlas!˛ said Aragon. łGandalf was lost in the depths of Moira, taken
> by a shadow and a flame, which had no wings...˛
> Lego-lass stepped on Aragonąs foot, hard. łIt was a Balrog of
> Mortgage,˛ she said. łIts wings spread from wall to wall, over a span of
> thirty years.˛
> The dismayed cries of the Elves rang out. łGandalf? Lost? Without
> heirs, beneficiaries, or estate? Now whom can we sue?˛
>
> Lord Dullborn stood up straight and tall. łAt such a grim time,˛ he
> said, ła time of sadness and loss for us all, when strong leadership is
> required more than ever, there is only one thing for us to do...˛
>
> łThatąs right!˛ said Halfwit the Elf.
>
> ł...blame the Dwerrows!˛
>
> łThe Dwerrows! Itąs all the fault of the Dwerrows! Expel Oem! Take
> away their property! Sterilize Oem! Hang Oem! Fry Oem in oil! Zwergen
> Oraus!˛ These were among the more printable remarks made by the Elves
> assembled there.
>
> Galadriel coughed, and the treehouse fell silent. łWhile it is well
> known to all of us,˛ she said, looking at Giggly, łthat Dwerrows are
> hideous, gnarled, shrunken mutants, with a barbarous speech, no manners,
> and a long history of elf-molestation, they are still not to blame for
> everything -- just most things. Besides, who can blame the Dwerrow if he
> wished to gaze at last at his ancestral home whose entrance lies deep at
> the head of that shadowy vale between the mountains known as the Limbs of
> łDark are the waters of Kleo-patrâ, and warm, oh, warm are the
springs
> of Kunni-gonda,˛ she chanted, running the tip of her tongue over the tops
> of her lower teeth.
> And Giggly, on hearing the names given in his own ancient tongue,
> looked up as far as he could; and it seemed to him that he looked suddenly
> into the heart of a perfect stranger and saw there lust and amorous
desire.
>
> There was a deathly silence, during which Galadriel stared hard at
hell
> out of here, all of you.˛
>
> * * *
>
> That night the Company slept on the ground, as no self-respecting Elf
> would allow them into their treehouses. For a little while the
travellers
> argued among themselves, engaging in unrestrained slander, backbiting, and
> feeble excuses for their behaviour.
> planning on cutting me and Morrie out of the action?˛
> łI never thought no such thing,˛ answered Sam. łIf you want to know,
> I felt as if the Lady was looking right through my tunic and seeing the
> łAnd the little fluffy pink lambs embroidered on your shorts,˛ Morrie
> added helpfully.
> łHey!˛
>
> łTo me it seemed exceedingly strange,˛ said Boromir . łFor though
> they say in our land that the Lady of the Golden Wood possesseth X-ray
> vision as well as superhuman endurance, I did marvel that she passed over
a
>
> When Aragon had calmed them all down, he bade them sleep well for the
> the forlorn; for there is in this land no toilet paper, unless a man bring
>
> * * *
>
> They remained some days in Lothlorien, so far as they could tell, but
> since their watches had all been confiscated at the border, they tended to
> remained unchanged. They had not seen the Lord or Lady again, and the
> Elven-folk shunned them as if they were rabid lepers, except for two:
> Lego-lass spent all her time among the Elves, and pretended not to see the
> companions if they passed near; and Giggly was often seen returning from
> Waiting to take you away.
> Sit in the stern with your face to Mordor,
> And you're gone.
>
> Varda in the sky with starlight
> Varda in the sky with starlight
> Varda in the sky with starlight
> A....
>
> Picture yourself on a ship in the Ocean,
> With oddly-dressed elves wearing beards for disguise,
> Suddenly someone is there on an island,
> The elf with the silmaril eyes.
>
> Varda in the sky with starlight
> Varda in the sky with starlight
> Varda in the sky with starlight
> A....
>
objected.
> łWell, finish it yourself, then,˛ Frodo replied sourly.
> łHow about this,˛ said Sam:
>
> Hamburger and fries with ketchup,
> Hamburger and fries with ketchup,
> Hamburger and fries with ketchup,
> Hamburger and fries with ketchup...
>
> Frodo kicked Sam all the way back to the tent.
>
> * * *
>
> One evening, after Frodo and Sam had finally kissed and made up,
Frodo
> łI reckon I have, Master,˛ Sam replied. łTheyąre interesting enough
> to start with, but spend a few months with them and theyąre horribly
dull.˛
> Even as he spoke, as if in answer to his words, there was a sharp
> cough and the Lady Galadriel stood before them. She spoke no word, but
> offered them a glimpse of well-rounded calf and ankle, and they followed
> willingly enough. She led them behind the thicket of treehouses into a
> damp, mossy little garden, ornamented with a mirrored globe, a sundial,
and
> a stone dwarf that was remarkably lifelike except for the lichens growing
> upon him.
> At the bottom of the garden stood a birdbath filled to the brim with
> water. Galadriel stooped and breathed on it, and when the water was still
> brought you here so that you may look in it, if you will.˛
>
> Sam muscled his way past Frodo. łIąll have a look,˛ he said. He
> stepped up on a brick and leaned over the basin. łThereąs only sparrow
> droppings, as I thought,˛ he said. But suddenly the Birdbath turned
muddy,
> then clear. Sam gasped. łHey!˛ he shouted. łThereąs Ted getting a
> monopoly on the industrial waste reprocessing business. I wish I could
get
> Galadriel shook her head. łRemember that the Birdbath shows many
> things, and not all have yet come to pass. Some never come to be, unless
> Sam looked puzzled. łSo you mean that if I donąt go back to the
Shire
> to fix old Tedąs waggon, he wonąt be turning Bywater Pool into a dump for
> toxic sludge?˛
> Galadriel snickered behind her hand. łWell, if you do go back, then
> it certainly will happen; and if you donąt go back, it wonąt necessarily
> not happen; and if I use conditional sentences that are complicated enough
> stop asking questions and go with the narrative flow. Do you understand?˛
> łNo.˛
> łExcellent. Frodo, itąs your turn.˛
>
> Frodo stepped up to the Birdbath. The night was dark, and its velvet
> seemed to stream away from him in waves of purple and indigo, while the
> stars played their eerie flutes inside his head. The water swayed before
> him as he bent over the basin. His jaw dropped, and saliva began to drip
> from his lower lip.
> łI see...˛ Frodo replied dully, łan Eye... filling nearly all the
> water... it is glazed... yellow as a catąs... watchful... intent... but
its
> pupil opens onto a pit... a window into Absolute Nothingness... that
> Hideous Void where Space and Time become naught, where all individuality
is
> destroyed, where Azathoth pipes his hideous flutes to the nameless tunes
of
> shrill scream.
> łOh,˛ said Galadriel. łThat must be Tivil.˛ She sighed, rolled up
> her right sleeve, reached deep into the Birdbath up above her elbow, and
> hauled out a twisting, hissing creature. She held it up and looked at it
> accusingly. It glared back at her through a yellow, slitted eye.
> to hide in there? Be along with you now.˛ She released it in midair,
> where it stretched itself out to reveal scaly flanks, long furry fins
> tipped with claws, and a whiskery face that it wiped with its forefins.
> Mewing, it flexed its broad, striped tail and swam away through the air
> into the trees.
say
> to you, Frodo, that however the Dark Lord tries to grope me, still the
door
gesture
> of rejection and denial.
> will give you the One Ring, if you want it.˛
> Galadriel tossed her head in the gesture known to the Elves as the
> girls would fall for that line, but not me. You see, already all love me
> She lifted up her hand, and from a cleverly hidden spotlight there
> issued a great light that illumined her alone and left all else dark.
> Moody music with lots of violins emanated from out the thick air, and all
> around the garden came the click of the cameras of the paparazzi.
> she continued, łI donąt need anything at all that you can offer.˛ She
> turned to Sam, who sat cowering in the dirt. łHave you understood
anything
> at all that youąve seen here?˛
> łNo, Lady,˛ he replied humbly. łBut can I have your autograph?˛
Aris Katsaris
Philipp Hense <fi...@utanet.at> wrote in message
news:8jg655$ig$3...@rohrpostix.uta4you.at...
> can anybody send me the whole parody, would be kind
Go to http://www.speakeasy.org/~ohh/book/
And a word of advice - in the posts you are replying to, delete
everything from the original post that's not relevant to your
own comments.
Aris Katsaris
Prembone
Karim I may never recover.
The TATOO!!! My Elton! If I'd been sipping a morning beverage
it would have been all over the keyboard. What a small but
PERFECT detail. MUST remember...
Everyone else commented on the Beatles parody, so I'll just
say: LMAO, too. Guess that's what Frodo gets for trusting
those Elvish riff-raff, eh.
And DULLBORN! Bravo, bravissimo! But don't you recall,
Celeborn was a GENIUS?? Heh. ;-)
And yes, Frodo and Sam kissing and making up was duly noted. No
telling where *that* might lead...
Prembone
..who also appreciated that the first sentence of your
installment was beautifully ambiguous, lending itself to
whatever interpretations the readers might prefer.
--
God was my co-pilot, but our plane crashed in the mountains
and I had to eat him.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Got questions? Get answers over the phone at Keen.com.
Up to 100 minutes free!
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Dany Belinfante
Dany
David Salo <ds...@usa.net> schreef in berichtnieuws
dsalo-ya02408000...@news.terracom.net...
> ģThe Dwerrows! Itđs all the fault of the Dwerrows! Expel Oem! Take
> away their property! Sterilize Oem! Hang Oem! Fry Oem in oil! Zwergen
> Oraus!ē These were among the more printable remarks made by the Elves
> ORosieđ tattoo on my chest.ē
Dany Belinfante
the softrat <sof...@pobox.com> schreef in berichtnieuws
5umhls4u3bqviut7d...@4ax.com...
> On Tue, 27 Jun 2000 11:28:06 +0300, "Aris Katsaris"
> <kats...@otenet.gr> wrote:
>
> ><g> I'm the lord of nitpicking, haven't you gotten that already?
> >
> >Aris Katsaris
>
> 'Nitpicking' ? Is that a small village in The Netherlands?
shaddap you.
Dany
Tamfiiris
saving the world:
> shaddap you.
> Dany
qu'est-ce que vous avez dit?
--
// === Tamfiiris C. Glorulokë === Yellow Dragon at Your Service === \\
\\ Relax. Sheep are for love. //
William H. Hsu
>In article <8j84a7$2f8i$1...@ulysses.noc.ntua.gr>, "Aris Katsaris"
><kats...@otenet.gr> wrote:
>> But let us decide once and for all: Is it Mordred or Mortgage?
>> Is it Tinwelint or Thinowilld? In the last two chapters there have
>> been two inconsistencies...
> The Great Enemy from whose Iron Fist Bluto stole a _slipcast_ was
>Mordred. However, the Balrog that the Company met was a Balrog of Mortgage
>and has nothing to do with Mordred at all. Got it?
I see. And both are quite distinct from Murgut, right?
"Be-a he-a fue-a oor freeend, be-a he-a fuool oor cleun, Bruud ooff Murgut
oor breeght Fela, Ilda oor Meeea oor Efftercumer, Mun yet unburn upun
Meeddle-a-Iert, neeezeer lev, nur lufe-a, nur leegooe-a ooff svurds, dreed
nur dunger, nut Duum itselff, shell deffend heem frum Feunur, und Feunur's
keen, vhusu heedet, oor huerdet, oor in hund teket, feending keepet oor
effer cestet a Seelmeril. Thees sveer ve-a ell: deet ve-a veell deel heem
ire-a Dey's indeeng, vue-a untu vurld's ind! Oooor vurd heer thuoo, Iroo
Ellffezeer! Tu zee iferlesteeng Derkness duum us iff oooor deed feeelet.
Oon zee huly muoonteeen heer in veetness und oooor foo remember, Munve-a
und Ferda! Bork Bork Bork!"
> (aside): Goldarn pedant. He oughta be on rec.arts.books.tolkien or
>sumpin'.
(Aside) Here is a link to "the Babelfish of TEUNC":
http://www.cs.utexas.edu/users/jbc/home/chef.html
-Bill
=======================================================
William H. Hsu ICQ: 28651394
bh...@cis.uiuc.edu
The Red Songbook of Westmarch: Tolkien Song Parodies
http://ringil.cis.ksu.edu/Tolkien/Humor/RedSOW
=======================================================