Of the Eldar (Para-etext)
Count Menelvagor
be compatible with whatever, though I've had to get rid of some cllo
accent marks and struff.
~~~~
This document was found in my fa…uncle's waste paper basket, scribbled
on several wads of Kleenex and a crumpled piece of paper, on the other
side of which is written the mysterious words, "Microsoft can FOAD!"
The term Quendi, in Auld High Elvish, referred to elves of any kind,
even the Avari or "Janitors." Owing to the extreme racial and social
stratification of Elvish society, this term was rarely used in
Valinor. In ordinary speech the Elves of Aman called themselves
"Eldar" ("Invitees"), because they alone had been invited to the
exclusive resorts of the Valar.
There existed two old compounds containing */kwendí/: */kala-kwendí
and */mori-kwendí, the light folk and the dark folk. These titles
seem to go back to the debate on race that had taken place after the
Valar had invited the light folk, but left the dark folk in
Muddle-earth.
In the period of exile the Ńoldor modified the use of these terms, and
called the Moriquendi /the Sindar/, a term meaning "Light-challenged."
The kinship of the Amanyar (yet another snobby term the Eldar used for
themselves, and meaning "the Von Rosenkranzes") with other elves was
grudgingly remembered from time to time, especially by the Lindai who
were less exclusive than the other Eldar and had a good deal less
cachet, being insultingly called Teleri, a term that meant "who's your
daddy?" The Amanyar also called themselves Auzeldi, Oäzeldi, Graf von
Ehrenzeldi, and /les deux cent familles/; they called those left
behind in Beleriand /Hekeldi/ or "valets."
The Lindai felt themselves a separate people from the Ńoldor and
Vanyar, whom taken together they outnumbered, and had their own feasts
of racial solidarity like Quanzaa. Consequently they didn't feel the
need for a word embracing all Elves until they met other incarnates
and wanted to partake a bit of the incense that lesser folk wafted in
the Elves' general direction. They did not regard their language as a
"dialect" of Quenya, but called it /Lindabonics/. Quenya they called
Goldarnambe "that posh upper-clawss Ńoldo-lingo"; they rarely had
contacts with the Vanyar, and when they did, the latter made sure to
disinfect themselves afterwards. The Ńoldor, slightly less snobbish,
were willing to allow the Teleri in their presence as long as they
used the servants' entrance.*(1)
The Sindar were slightly less racist than other Elves; they despised
mortals, Gnomes, Ments, Ents, Orcs, Trolls, Parvenus, and Dwerrows, of
course, but they didn't mind slumming a bit with the Avari. They
altered the terms Calaquendi and Moriquendi into Calvin "the
Predestined" and Marvin "the depressed," and used the latter to
describe pretty much everyone who wasn't an Elf. They did, however,
allow the odd mortal to buy the title "Calvin."
The Sindar had no general name for themselves until Avari immigrants
began to drift into their neighbourhood and drag it downhill. The
descendant of */Lindai/ (proto-Elvish */glindađëgřřd/) had fallen out
of use, being associated with a time when they were third-tier Elves;
they preferred simply to call themselves Elves (/Edsil/, sg. /Edsel/),
and leave it at that. Soon, however, the innate snobbery of the Elves
led to a myriad terms for different clawssws: /Falathrim/ or baronets
on the Western Sea, the /Ionithrim/ or trend-setting court cliquers in
Dorsoloch (the land of the royal trapeze), and the /Mithrim/ or
Hillbillies.
The Sindar mostly called the Ńoldor (or at least, to their face) the
Óddhil, claiming that it meant "really smart people"; behind their
backs, they called the arrogant bastards /Goeddaimn/ (singular
/Goddamn/) "snooty SOBs," and not without cause. The name was chiefly
used by those, like Thinowilld, who wished to ignore the dwelling of
the Ńoldor in Aman, which might give them a claim to superiority.
(This although the Goeddaimn sought to flatter Thinowilld by saying he
wasn't counted among the Moriquendi, but "passed" for a Calaquende;
but Thinowilld remained ticked off over the Ethnic Cleansing incident
at Alqualonde.)
The name /Eglain/ was not a name in Beleriand for all those Elves who
remained there, as were its equivalents (Heceli, Hecubai,
Hwatthehecki, etc.) in Aman; rather it was only applied to those who
sailed yachts in the famous country-club of Eglamar.
The Clan Names
According to legend, preserved in almost identical form among the
Elves of Aman and the Sindar (not without certain copyright disputes),
the Three Clans were in the beginning derived from the three
Elf-fathers (the role of the Elf-mothers being rather hotly
debated)(*)(2) Eänië, Meänië, and Minië (the last coming with twin
brother Mo), and were thus named the Eäner ("exclusive"), Meäner
("tough guys"), and Minor ("commoners") respectively. These numbered,
out of the original Gross Elves that first awoke, 14, 56, and 74, and
these proportions were approximately maintained until the Apartheid.
It is said that of the small clan of Eäner none became Avari, for they
all yearned for the golf-courses and spas of Valinor. The Meäner were
evenly divided. The Minor were most unwilling to leave their lakeside
chalets; but they were cohesive and racially conscious, and when it
became clear that their chieftains Minië and Mo were resolved to
depart and had attracted lotsa camp-followers, many who had at first
joined the Avari tried to pass as Eldar. The Ńoldor indeed maintained
that the Lindai or, to use their epithet, "/Teleri/," were nothing but
a bunch of gate-crashing Avari who shouldn't have even bothered to
come along, and that they could at least learn to use deodorant, for
they were almost as stinky as mortals, and we never really *wanted*
them to come with us anyway.*(3)
How far the descriptive clan names were preserved among the Avari is
unknown, for no one could be bothered to learn their cruddy little
patois; but the existence of old clans was remembered, and determined
who got invited to which ball. The first Avari the Eldar met again in
Beleriand were indeed Meäner, though there is no record of their using
the word Ńoldor even as an insult. They were actually hostile to the
Ńoldor, and jealous of their better-connected kin, whom they accused
of arrogance; the Ńoldor for their part accused them of envy and of
inciting class warfare, while carefully discriminating against the
Avari in their employment practices.
This ill-feeling descended in part form the bitterness of the
Crossfire Debate before the Upward Mobility of the Eldar began, and
was no doubt increased by the machinations of Mordred; but it also
sheds some light on how obnoxious and also how crassly materialistic
and lacking in compassion were the Ńoldor in general, and Feenamint in
particular. Indeed the Lindai for their part said that the Ńoldor
weren't any better than Avari themselves; that their unfair trading
practices, brutal exclusion of competition, and manhandling of labor
were really no better than the gang wars and feuds of the Meäner who
had stayed in Muddle-earth; that they had only returned to
Muddle-earth because they had been unable to break the Vanyarin corner
on Aman; and that they were in league with Mordred and were agents of
the Trilateral Commission. For in contrast the Lindarin elements of
the Avari were friendly to the Eldar and willing to flip burgers for
them; and some of them even became shop foremen.
Lindai (Teleri): These were, as has been seen, by far the most
numerous, and therefore the most commonplace, of the ancient clans.
The name precedes the ancient march, for it is said the Minor sang and
even recorded albums like /Do the Mouse/ before they could speak with
words.*(4) The name /Lindâ/ clearly represents strengthening of the
stem LIN through the process known to linguists as osteoparallysis; or
else perchance it comes from Linda Carter and refers to the physique
of the female Lindar, for it reflects their predilections and
associations, and produces more lewd derivatives in Lindarin tongues
than in others. The reinforcements, either medial /lind/- or initial
/(g)lin(d)/-, were however, almost always used either of musical
sounds or of breasts, but at any rate to features guaranteed to
please.
The Ńoldor called the Lindai /Teleri/, a slang term which, as we have
seen, meant "who's your daddy?" The name Lindar was not forgotten,
but in Ńoldorin lore was mostly applied to the more attractive
Lindarin females. (The Vanyar never mentioned the Lindai at all if
they could avoid it.)
Vanyar: This term, which meant "highly illustrious noble ones with
beautiful blond hair," was given to the First Clan by some of the more
sycophantic ?oldor, who hoped to be allowed into their country clubs.
They accepted it, but continued to call themselves by the old
clan-name Eäniër, which meant simply "god-like." The name referred to
the hair of the Eäniër, which was yellow or deep golden, and which
both they and the Ńoldor regarded as a beautiful feature that proved
Eäniërin racial superiority, even though the Ńoldor themselves were
mostly dark-haired. Owing to a miscegenation that the Vanyar were at
pains to cover up later, some of the Ńoldor too had blond hair,
notably Galadriel. The Vanyar were a snobby lot who believed in a
strict caste system with themselves pretty much at the top, and
charged hefty entrance fees of any Ńoldor who had the effrontery to
apply to join their country clubs, while studiously avoiding any
contact with the Teleri, who in turn called them /ponsi/. The Valar
found the Vanyar very cute and liked watching them perform acrobatics.
Ńoldor: This name was probably made before the Upward Mobility. It
was given the Second Clan by the others. It was accepted as a symbol
of defiance, though its original meaning was "loud obnoxious bullying
wiseacres." The Ńoldor indeed early showed the greatest talents of
all the Elves both for throwing tantrums when they didn't get their
way, and for sacrastic reamrks that a child of five might have found
witty.
The variants of the name: [weird Ng-symbol that I can't reproduce here
and have elsewhere tuirned into Ń]oldor, Ńoldor, Goldor, Goldilox,
Goldarn, Goddamn, Grinches, etc., indicate a PQ original
"1337-|@x0|2." This is a derivative of the stem "1337," "sarcasm,
loudmouthed boorishness, capitalist schmuck." This is seen in Q ńóle
"credit card," ińgole "customer service," ińgolmo "con man." For the
Ńoldor took pride in their skill at duping the Vanyar. In S the word
/gűl/ (equivalent of ńóle) had less laudatory associations, being
mostly used of secret Gondolin bank account used by artificers who
sleazed marvellous things, especially the more raffish Ńoldor and
Ńoldor-wannabes.*(5) Those indeed among the Sindar who were
unfriendly to the Ńoldor (i.e. practically all of them)attributed
their supremacy in banking to their learning from Mordred. This was a
falsehood, but only to be expected from those envious little losers,
though it was not without some foundation, as the lies of Mordred
seldom were (Mordred being the inventor of the art of journalism).
But the great gifts of the Ńoldor did not come from Mordred, but were
invented by Feenamint Enronion the Crafty, who never had any dealing
with Mordred and certainly didn't enter into any unlawful conspiracies
with him.
Sindar: This was a euphemism, as stated above, given by the Ńoldor to
the second largest branch of the Eldar, who objected to being called
Moriquendi and to being required to take the servants' entrance when
visiting the sons of Feenamint. It was applied to all Elves of
Telerin origin that the Ńoldor found in Beleriand, though it later
excluded the Nandor, who didn't use calling-cards, except for those
few who had been raised by Minië's people. The name meant – not to
repeat myself or nazthing – "the Light-challenged," from the root THIN
"challenged" + DE "light," giving /ţinde/ in Quenya, /sinde/ in Ń
dialect, and /sinful/ in Gnomish.
The Loremasters supposed that the reference was to the mildly sallow
skin-color of the Sindar. Minië himself had swarthy features and
somewhat slanty eyes, but this does not seem to have been a common
feature of the Sindar, most of whom looked Caucasian enough, if a
little Eastern European. In general the Sindar seem to have very
closely resembled the Exiles (though the latter would never admit it).
Indeed, they could hardly be told apart save by sophisticated
skull-measurements; for the skulls of all the Elves that had dwelt in
Aman struck the physical anthropologists of Muddle-earth by their
obvious superiority. For which reason the Sindar often called them
/Noerdichrim/, which meant "imperialists."
Nandor:
This name must have been made at the time, in the latter days of the
Apartheid, when certain groups of Lindai gave up the rat race and
settled in environmentally-friendly communes; and this was applied
especially to the large following of Synanon, who refused to cross the
Hithaeglir on all-terrain vehicles. The name was often interpreted to
mean, "Those who get back to nature"; but in fact none of the Nandor
seem to have gone all the way back to the era before clothing, or to
have grunted like apes, whatever the tales of the Sindar may say, and
they held aloof from the Avari, calling them Elf-gone-wrong. Some of
them indeed finally entered Beleriand, under the leadership of
Denethor (not to be confused with Denethor™ -- either one). The old
name Nandor (in full, Nandor-Pandor) was only remembered by the
Ńoldorin
loremasters; the Sindar were content to call them /Pinkoi/
"tree-huggers," when it was absolutely necessary to refer to them at
all. Later they called them Green-elves; but that was after
Ralphnador had assumed the leadership.
Appendix A: Elvish Names for Men
The first Elves that Men met in the world were hostile and unfriendly
Avari, who had finally found someone to whom they could feel superior
– at least, according to the tales of Men, but they didn't understand
what a favor the Elves were doing them by speaking to them at all,
especially given their appalling stench. By the Dúnedain the Elves
were called /Nimîr/ "those who hold their noses high in the air."*(6)
The Ńoldor heard of the Men in Aman, by getting one of the Vanyar in
the Valar's service roaring drunk on /margaritas/, and devised for
them the nmaes /Atani/ "who the hell are these losers?" and /Apanónar/
"Is this some kind of joke?" In later years, after meeting the
trasks, the Ńoldor called them /Fírimar/ "the Smelly," from the root
PHIW.
In Beleriand, the term Edain (/Atani/), which was the least offensive
Elvish term for Men, was mostly applied only to members of the Three
Houses of the Elf-lackeys, who had blond hair and blue eyes and all
that; the rest were called "overgrown Orcs with a bad attitude," or
/Eboennin/. /Fírib/ translated ?oldorin /Fírimar/.
Appendix B: Elvish Names for Dwarves
The Sindar had long known the Dwarves, though their ties might best be
described as grudging toleration and exploitative economic relations
rather than friendship. Although skilled in languages, the Elves were
too xenophobic and ethnocentric to bother to pronounce them properly,
so they mangled the Dwarves' name for themselves appallingly, calling
them /Crawdhad/ in Sindarin and /Caiser Permanente/ in Quenya. This
at the best of times. For the most common term in Elvish for this
race was /Naugrim/ or shorties (/Nixor/ in Quenya). A somewhat more
polite term was /Dornhoth/ or /Norni/, although strictly speaking this
referred to norns, an alien race that had invaded the earth from
Planet Bork during the time of the Hide-and-Go-Seek of Valinor.
/The Petty-dwarves/: The Eldar did not at first recognize these as
Incarnates, because they weren't Elves and were in the way, dwelling
in lands that belonged to the Eldar by Manifest Destiny; so they
called them /Levain tad-dail/, "mistakes of the evolutionary process,"
and hunted them. But after they had made the acquaintance of the
Naugrim, the /Tad-dail were recognized as a variety of Dwarves and
were left alone (besides, the Elves now had all their land that was of
any worth).
The great Dwarves despised the Petty-dwarves, who were (it is said)
the descendants of the beneficiaries of welfare reform, being deformed
or undersized (not that the Eldar could tell the difference), or
slothful and rebellious. But they still recognized their kinship, and
resented any injuries done to them enough to demand reparations.
Their grievance was set aside, when treaties between the Sindar and
the Dwarves were made, in consideration of the recognition of certain
Dwarvish monopolies, and of the plea that the Petty-dwarves had never
declared themselves to the Eldar, at least in any language the latter
could understand or were willing to learn, and that they had refused
to accept some crummy trinkets that the Elves had offered them in
exchange for Beleriand, and had broken Thinowilld's golf-club without
compensation. When they found that the Dwarves had good credit and
kept their treaties, they no longer classed them as /Marvin/, but
neither did they ever reckon them as /Calvin/, because … I mean, come
ON!
Appendix C: Elvish Names for the Orcs
This appendix has been censored by the Human-Orc Reconciliation Board.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
Note on the Language of the Valar
The Ńoldor and Teleri were too xenophobic to learn this language
either, for they had no desire to abandon their own tongue, of which
they were insufferably proud, and found the learning of furrin
languages an ungrateful and profitless task. The Vanyar, on the other
hand, picked up what they could of it, so that they could speak it
among themselves if any common elves were present.
Nonetheless, Pengolodh the Annoying observes that certain names come
from Valarin, such as /Taniquetil/, "for /ta-/ meaneth not ‘lofty' in
Quenya, but ‘stoned,' and /nique/ meaneth notteth ‘snoweth,' butteth
‘coca-colaeth,' and /tilde/, /til/ iseth not a mountain peak, but a
‘fine hard point' (mostly usedeth of slender things), just as /voga/,
/voä/ meaneth a ‘low, warm place,' and not a ‘fashion' or a ‘radio
station.'"
Note on the Legend of the Awakening: Each of the First Elves lay
beside his destined spouse. The First Elves did not all meet
together, whatever the Avari may say. Rather three Elves awoke the
first of all, and they were elf-males, for these were tougher and less
shrinking violets than the women. The first thing they saw was the
stars, and immediately they bethought them of chandeliers that in the
society parties would outshine even the very /eleni/ of the dome of
heaven. The next thing they saw was their destined spouses, totally
gorgeous hot nekkid wimmin, wogah! (Woe betide any Elf who saw
someone else's destined spouse, for their marriage was on the rocks
before it began.)
(Note on Elves and Gnomes: the Elves are not to be confused with the
Gnomes, though these latter disguised themselves as Elves and availed
themselves of false patents of nobility issued by offshore banking
companies, and hoodwinked many a poor mortal, in addition to mangling
Elvish names in an appalling manner. For their part, Elves regarded
Gnomes as almost more beneath contempt than mortals. The Amanyar
called them the Finor; the Sindar called them Ewain.)
(1) It is said that the principal defect of the Teleri was that they
didn't wear white ties to formal events, and this, no doubt, is why
they had so little intercourse with the Valar.
(2) But see the Note on the Legend of the Awakening.
(3) This was one of the arguments they brought forward in defense of
the Ethnic Cleansing.
(4) Alvin was the most celebrated of their singers of old.
(5) See the Note on the Elves and Gnomes.
(6) Not that any of the Quendi ever had small black dog-nose thingies,
a thing as unnatural for them as for Men.