e-text parody (5-3): The Blockbuster of Rohan [disclaimer, read 1st]
David M. McCandless
chapter. I was extremely excited when stumbling across this e-text a year ago,
signed up, and promptly forgot all about it. And suddenly my number came up.
Normally I can crank a parody off in a few days, but a few things complicated
matters, some of which I didn't realize until I began to write:
1. I was in the middle of designing and programming a web site facelift. (Still
am.)
2. I hate Merry.
3. Not much happens in "The Muster of Rohan."
4. Not many main characters appear (only Merry, Eomer, Theoden, and Eowyn).
5. I hate Merry.
6. I got writer's block.
Over the 2-3 week period, I abandoned at least three drafts (the second being
the "Austin Powers 2" variation) before finally settling on this one -- which
I whipped out in two days flat. I'll also apologize now for any details I
managed to muck up from the earlier chapters, it's really hard to keep it all
straight even with the name list printed out in front of me.
I'm expecting that you'll probably either love (I hope) or hate this thing,
which breaks in a *large* way from the format of the other previous chapters in
form and style. And this draft, I suppose, could also be called the "Farrelly
Brothers version" in terms of humor, and it's way longer than I wish it would
have been (though not as long as it looks -- scripts have extra spacing).
But hey, it's a parody, and I tried my best, and if you don't like it, well,
hey, just jump to the next one and keep enjoying the unfolding story.
There are a few plot twists that could cause some fun (re: neurosis) for the
next Rohan writer. But, as with any parody, they can be undone if you like them
not. It's a lot like playing the game "Blockhead:" Most of the fun is trying to
set up the next guy with the most bizarre, teetering pile of blocks you can
create.
Meanwhile, enjoy Otto and the Dwarf Acrobatic Team, and to Merry, I say only
this: "Sayonara, sucker..."
-- david
http://www.BrothersGrinn.com
"Funny in the head... where it counts."
Coming Someday -- www.elandra.com
Aris Katsaris
David M. McCandless <for2...@aol.commodus> wrote in message
news:20010831224415...@mb-mv.aol.com...
>
> 2. I hate Merry.
Damn.
> 5. I hate Merry.
DAMN.
> I'm expecting that you'll probably either love (I hope) or hate this
thing,
> which breaks in a *large* way from the format of the other previous
chapters in
> form and style.
I've not been able to read the script format when I gave it a glance... I've
always found this format much harder to read and visualise and get into.
I'll try again later.
> There are a few plot twists that could cause some fun (re: neurosis) for
the
> next Rohan writer. But, as with any parody, they can be undone if you like
them
> not.
Fuck.
> Meanwhile, enjoy Otto and the Dwarf Acrobatic Team, and to Merry, I say
only
> this: "Sayonara, sucker..."
Given all the crap we've had because of Frodo's demise, I had really hoped
people would stop killing characters simply because they hated them. Do
people enjoy crapping all over the plans of future writers?
I really dislike Sam. You didn't see me killing him off back in
"The House of Tom Bombadil", did you now?
Ah, well... you can just ignore me - I don't have any future chapter
afterall.
But I'm just one of those guys who thinks that confusion isn't funny by
itself,
and neither is killing off characters one doesn't like, *by itself*.
I'll try to read your chapter later on.
Aris Katsaris
David Sulger
> David M. McCandless <for2...@aol.commodus> wrote in message
>
> people would stop killing characters simply because they hated them. Do
> I'm just one of those guys who thinks that confusion isn't funny by itself,
> and neither is killing off characters one doesn't like, *by itself*.
>
Well, I'm planning to kill of a relatively important character in my
chapter too. However, since this character died in the actual LotR,
it shouldn't be problem, unless someone resurrectes him or turns him
into a zombie or something.
I agree with you on this killing off of characters. I think the
uproar over the Frodo killings in Book IV helped to slow down e-text
development.
Another big problem is that characters who died in LotR seem to have a
very hard time staying dead in the e-text.
--Dave
David Salo
<kats...@otenet.gr> wrote:
> David M. McCandless <for2...@aol.commodus> wrote in message
> news:20010831224415...@mb-mv.aol.com...
> >
> > 2. I hate Merry.
>
> Damn.
> But I'm just one of those guys who thinks that confusion isn't funny by
> itself,
> and neither is killing off characters one doesn't like, *by itself*.
I am sure Merry isn't going to stay dead.
DS
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>Another big problem is that characters who died in LotR seem to have a
>very hard time staying dead in the e-text.
I don't think it's a problem. In this way, we can give them a new chance - a
new face, so to speak.
Öjevind
David Salo
the_rea...@hotmail.com (David Sulger) wrote:
> I agree with you on this killing off of characters. I think the
> uproar over the Frodo killings in Book IV helped to slow down e-text
> development.
>
> Another big problem is that characters who died in LotR seem to have a
> very hard time staying dead in the e-text.
In my last chapter I 'killed off' a major character -- largely
because with the way he had been developed, I no longer had any idea
what to do with him, and I preferred to develop a new character that
would embody some of his lost characteristics while adhering to Minas
Tirith (TM)'s equal opportunity policies. :)
However, the way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for
him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
him to stay dead. Very unlike the way I killed off Boromir (TM) in my
first version of IV.13! My point is that there are all sorts of ways
to kill characters, and some of them make resurrections more likely,
and some less. Tolkien 'kills off' and resurrects (or doesn't) several
main characters: e.g., Frodo more than once seems to buy the farm, but
is saved by his mithril coat, by the predatory habits of spiders, etc.
etc.; Pippin seems to die, but is rescued from beneath a pile of
bodies; Gandalf dies and is returned from death; Boromir actually bites
it; Faramir and Éowyn *ought* to be dead but are miraculously revived;
and so on. So the e-text is not so far off from the source text.
The only worrisome thing about this is that even if Sauron, Gandalf,
or whoever the *real* villain turns out to be dies, we have no
assurance that he will stay dead.
Which means that the next product to roll off the shelves may well
be ETEXT2001: Sauron Returns!
(Soon to be made into a major videogame franchise)
David Salo
David M. McCandless
>Fuck.
Geesh, I guess I didn't need to apologize for using "shit" in my chapter. :)
>Given all the crap we've had because of Frodo's demise, I had really hoped
people would stop killing characters simply because they hated them. Do people
enjoy crapping all over the plans of future writers?
Sorry it seems to have bothered you. Perhaps these two things help:
1. I wasn't aware people were killing off important characters, especially
Frodo -- I only really studied the e-texts applicable to Rohan, since I was
under a tight deadline.
2. I didn't kill Merry just because I hated him. Personal feelings are besides
the point.
I killed him because he was (IMHO) useless and uninteresting, story-wise, and
the only contribution he even made to the plot (stabbing the Nazgul lord) can
easily be made by someone else.
More specifically, from a humor point of view, he's worth more dead and
replaced by someone who totally contrasts with expectations (a large hunchback)
than he is as himself. So, for interests of the parody, I had him go out in a
humorous, meaningless blaze of glory.
I> really dislike Sam. You didn't see me killing him off back in "The House of
Tom Bombadil", did you now?
No. I never read "The House of Tom Bombadil." :)
I don't like Sam either, in terms of "Would I personally spend time with this
hobbit?"
But Sam is GREAT from a parody point of view; he's so extreme, he's easy to
make fun of; so I would have kept him.
Merry was too bland to parody.
See what I'm aiming at?
>But I'm just one of those guys who thinks that confusion isn't funny by
itself, and neither is killing off characters one doesn't like, *by itself*.
Me either, and I think most people have seen that it wasn't my point.
Maybe you'll see more what I was trying to do, when you finally get a chance to
read the piece. Sorry it hit you wrong up front.
Aris Katsaris
David M. McCandless <for2...@aol.commodus> wrote in message
> 2. I didn't kill Merry just because I hated him. Personal feelings are
besides
> the point.
>
> I killed him because he was (IMHO) useless and uninteresting, story-wise,
and
> the only contribution he even made to the plot (stabbing the Nazgul lord)
can
> easily be made by someone else.
But only Morrie could stand between Eowyn and the Leech-king and say
"Okay, now: I could stab either one of you - who will be the highest
bidder?"
<grumble, grumble>
> I don't like Sam either, in terms of "Would I personally spend time with
this
> hobbit?"
> But Sam is GREAT from a parody point of view; he's so extreme, he's easy
to
> make fun of; so I would have kept him.
>
> Merry was too bland to parody.
Merry may have been bland, but Morrie definitely wasn't. He was perhaps the
most clearly defined personality in the whole of the E-text. I'm sorry that
you've not read enough of it to know this.
And excuse me, you mean that Otto *isn't* bland? He's *non-existent* in
LOTR, how can you get any more bland than *that*?!?
> See what I'm aiming at?
You aimed to give an assisting hand to the future writers where none was
needed. Your intentions were good but unnecessary.
Other people have done the same with the aforementioned crappy results
of Frodo being killed and replaced with Boromir, the same thing
that you did by replacing Morrie with a non-existent non-entity.
God, if people kill off characters before their time, then I wish that they
at least didn't try to *replace* them with their own personal "new and
improved"
versions thereof... That leaves the future writers with *two* additional
tasks
instead of one... Resurrecting the killed character *and* dropping the new
one.
Oh, fuck, I've already established myself as chief-complainer of the
E-text...
I'll just shut up now where this thread is concerned.
Aris Katsaris
Count Menelvagor
> In my last chapter I 'killed off' a major character -- largely
> because with the way he had been developed, I no longer had any idea
> what to do with him, and I preferred to develop a new character that
> would embody some of his lost characteristics while adhering to Minas
> Tirith (TM)'s equal opportunity policies. :)
>
> However, the way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for
> him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
> him to stay dead.
I like the Dr. Faramir character myself, and hope he comes bax ...
Hey! Maybe he inherits Gandalf's magic powers, and helps defeat him
after Gandalf triumphs with the destruction of the Ring (assuming
Aruman was right about that in III.10). Ah! and maybe he can marry
Auriellė!
That said, I do like a lot of struff in your cahpter (this shd prob'ly
be in a different thread, but as long as I'm hjere ...), especially
Bererond rooting for the Nazdaq, Harlė, Gandalf's New Age spiel (ą la
Saruman), Forlong's dialect (with its intriguing resemblance to one or
two of Sam's four and a half dailects ...:-]), and that Nameless Tenor
struff at the end ... Also Auriellė wearing the Anarchion-costume.
Waht I am less happy about is the killing of Morrie in VI.3. I like
the character of Morrie, with his nonchalant malignancy, and in any
case killing him mucks up the plot much more than does the "killing"
of Dr. Faramir (who in the original is supposed to be out of action
till the Healing chapter nazwaz ...) I don't think Otto will really
cut it, as he hasn't been developed and has no bearing on the plot :-]
... unless it turns out that he was Morrie in disguise, all along.
David Sulger
> unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants* him to stay dead.
Crap. I'm the writer of Book 7. I hope you didn't complicate things
for me too much.
> Very unlike the way I killed off Boromir (TM) in my first version of IV.13!
Which I had no problem with, BTW; after all Boromir has gone through
one goofy resurrection after another in the etext.
David Sulger
> David Salo <ds...@usa.net> wrote in message news:<010920011559098740%ds...@usa.net>...
>
> > In my last chapter I 'killed off' a major character -- largely
> > because with the way he had been developed, I no longer had any idea
> > what to do with him, and I preferred to develop a new character that
> > would embody some of his lost characteristics while adhering to Minas
> > Tirith (TM)'s equal opportunity policies. :)
> >
> > However, the way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for
> > him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
> > him to stay dead.
>
> I like the Dr. Faramir character myself, and hope he comes bax ...
Oh, it was Faramir he killed? No problem...that works in my evil
master plan... :)
>
> Waht I am less happy about is the killing of Morrie in VI.3. I like
> the character of Morrie, with his nonchalant malignancy, and in any
> case killing him mucks up the plot much more than does the "killing"
> of Dr. Faramir
Yes, and it wasn't even a funny killing either. The author just
ditched him because he didn't like him.
> (who in the original is supposed to be out of action till the Healing chapter > nazwaz ...) I don't think Otto will really cut it, as he hasn't been
> developed and has no bearing on the plot :-] ... unless it turns out that he > was Morrie in disguise, all along.
>
I don't like this "Otto" fellow either. Bring back Morrie!
>
David Sulger
>
> Merry was too bland to parody.
>
> See what I'm aiming at?
>
-- not the Morrie of the e-text, who had become one of the more
colorful characters.
David Salo
> David Salo <ds...@usa.net> wrote in message
> news:<010920011559098740%ds...@usa.net>...
> >
> > In my last chapter I 'killed off' a major character [snip] However, the
> > way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for him to be
> > 'resurrected',
> > unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants* him to stay dead.
>
> Crap. I'm the writer of Book 7. I hope you didn't complicate things
> for me too much.
Did you get the posted message "E-text Book V, Chapter 4"? It seems
no one except Menelvagor noticed it. I may have to post it again.
It's very uncomplicated.
DS
Morgil Blackhope
Aris Katsaris kirjoitti viestissä <9mso21$bsm$1...@usenet.otenet.gr>...
>
>Oh, fuck, I've already established myself as chief-complainer of the
>E-text...
Only because I have currently retired myself from that position. :)
Morgil
Steuard Jensen
<6bfb27a8.0109...@posting.google.com>:
> > However, the way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for
> > him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
> > him to stay dead.
I don't think I'll mind much either way. (Though I think it would be
nice to actually keep Aurielle around regardless.)
> Waht I am less happy about is the killing of Morrie in VI.3. I like
> the character of Morrie, with his nonchalant malignancy, and in any
> case killing him mucks up the plot much more than does the "killing"
> of Dr. Faramir (who in the original is supposed to be out of action
> till the Healing chapter nazwaz ...) I don't think Otto will really
> cut it, as he hasn't been developed and has no bearing on the plot
> :-] ... unless it turns out that he was Morrie in disguise, all
> along.
Aha! You've found it! The perfect way to bring Morrie back from his
undeserved grave! Perhaps Otto is Merry's guise as "The Brute"...
Steuard Jensen
Count Menelvagor
I think we have a silent majority of chief complainers in this case ...
Count Menelvagor
(Hmm .. Google is acting weird today, automatically deleting the text
to which I'm replying ...)
I was wondering the same thing, and was going to psot soemthing about
this, esp. since your chapter was quite a bit better than the
preceding one (though V.3 did have one or two amusing moments, mostly
the wizard scene, thouhg IIRC the names should be different -- but not
enough to make up for killing Morrie the Mobster). But I suspect most
eople simply hadn't finished reading the two cahpters yet ...
David Sulger
> >
> > Crap. I'm the writer of Book 7. I hope you didn't complicate things
> > for me too much.
>
> Did you get the posted message "E-text Book V, Chapter 4"? It seems
> no one except Menelvagor noticed it. I may have to post it again.
> It's very uncomplicated.
>
Anyway, I read it and saved it with the other chapters (for reference
when writing my chapter).
David Sulger
> Quoth Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) in article
> <6bfb27a8.0109...@posting.google.com>:
> > David Salo <ds...@usa.net> wrote in message
> > news:<010920011559098740%ds...@usa.net>...
>
> > > However, the way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for
> > > him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
> > > him to stay dead.
>
> I don't think I'll mind much either way. (Though I think it would be
> nice to actually keep Aurielle around regardless.)
>
After all, he doesn't exactly do much of anything in the original
chapter 7...
And I hate to burst your bubble, Steuard, but keeping Arielle isn't
really a priority for me. Not like it really matters, since I suppose
someone will resurrect her too, if they feel like it.
Steuard Jensen
<3ac4908.01090...@posting.google.com>:
> > (Though I think it would be nice to actually keep Aurielle around
> > regardless.)
> And I hate to burst your bubble, Steuard, but keeping Arielle isn't
> really a priority for me. Not like it really matters, since I
> suppose someone will resurrect her too, if they feel like it.
Whatever. :) If you had plans for Faramir to bite the dust, then
she'll be a good stand-in, and resurrection isn't as likely for
characters that weren't there to begin with.
Steuard Jensen
Aris Katsaris
Steuard Jensen <sbje...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in message
news:gX9l7.114$N4.1...@news.uchicago.edu...
> Quoth Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) in article
> <6bfb27a8.0109...@posting.google.com>:
> > David Salo <ds...@usa.net> wrote in message
> > news:<010920011559098740%ds...@usa.net>...
>
> > > However, the way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for
> > > him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
> > > him to stay dead.
>
> I don't think I'll mind much either way. (Though I think it would be
> nice to actually keep Aurielle around regardless.)
I'll second that. Even though I'm generally one of the most "purist" of the
e-texters (don't kill off characters unnecessarily, don't introduce them
unnecessarily, etc, etc), I liked her quite a bit.
David Sulger seems quite readu to kill her off, though - and I don't blame
him. <g>
Aris Katsaris
Aris Katsaris
Count Menelvagor <Menel...@mailandnews.com> wrote in message
news:6bfb27a8.0109...@posting.google.com...
> > him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
> > him to stay dead.
>
> I like the Dr. Faramir character myself, and hope he comes bax ...
> Hey! Maybe he inherits Gandalf's magic powers, and helps defeat him
> after Gandalf triumphs with the destruction of the Ring (assuming
> Aruman was right about that in III.10). Ah! and maybe he can marry
> Auriellė!
That's his sister! Ewww! Okay, not biologically, but still *eww*!!! :-)
But she seems to be in the right age-bracket for Pippin... <g>
Aris Katsaris
Count Menelvagor
Z
> > Waht I am less happy about is the killing of Morrie in VI.3. I like
> > the character of Morrie, with his nonchalant malignancy, and in any
> > case killing him mucks up the plot much more than does the "killing"
> > of Dr. Faramir
>
> Yes, and it wasn't even a funny killing either. The author just
> ditched him because he didn't like him.
The wrong "him" too ... But fortunately, either Otto was catually
Morrie in disguise, or Morrie managed to cut his way out of the bag
before it hit the zapper (the scream bneing catually from a rat who
got stuck in the vicinity), and, miffed that someone had killed him
off, did a niumber on someone, and it wasn't pretty, either ...
> I don't like this "Otto" fellow either. Bring back Morrie!
> >
Seconded, at least ... I'm not big on this killing business, nazwaz
... (I prefer to take a somewaht more subtle approach to weirding up
the plot, my elf ...)
Count Menelvagor
Well, maybe he was raised apart or soemthing ... Or she was, soemwhere
in hiding, to protect ehr from hatchet-wielding e-t. authors :-]:-]...
> But she seems to be in the right age-bracket for Pippin... <g>
>
Noiw *there's* an idea ...
> Aris Katsaris
Count Menelvagor
> Steuard Jensen <sbje...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in message
> news:gX9l7.114$N4.1...@news.uchicago.edu...
> > Quoth Menel...@mailandnews.com (Count Menelvagor) in article
> > <6bfb27a8.0109...@posting.google.com>:
> > > David Salo <ds...@usa.net> wrote in message
> > > news:<010920011559098740%ds...@usa.net>...
>
> > > > However, the way in which I 'killed him off' practically begs for
> > > > him to be 'resurrected', unless the author of Chapter 7 really *wants*
> > > > him to stay dead.
> >
> > I don't think I'll mind much either way. (Though I think it would be
> > nice to actually keep Aurielle around regardless.)
>
> I'll second that. Even though I'm generally one of the most "purist" of the
> e-texters (don't kill off characters unnecessarily, don't introduce them
> unnecessarily, etc, etc), I liked her quite a bit.
>
Yes, she's handy enough, and her life has been sadly cut short, poor
thing ... I do want Dr. F bax, because I like the character ( a
hypereducated pedant -- what's not to like?); maybe I'll have to
perform a totally irrelevant resurrection in my chapter ...<nurg>
> David Sulger seems quite readu to kill her off, though - and I don't blame
> him. <g>
Wlafterall, he didn't get to kill nayone off yet, did he?
>
> Aris Katsaris
Count Menelvagor
> undeserved grave! Perhaps Otto is Merry's guise as "The Brute"...
Ah, maybe so! I'm sure he's a past master of disguises ...
I guess it's up to the next guy.
David Sulger
> Steuard Jensen <sbje...@midway.uchicago.edu> wrote in message
> news:gX9l7.114$N4.1...@news.uchicago.edu...
> > (Though I think it would be nice to actually keep Aurielle around
> > regardless.)
>
> I'll second that. Even though I'm generally one of the most "purist" of the
> e-texters (don't kill off characters unnecessarily, don't introduce them
> unnecessarily, etc, etc), I liked her quite a bit.
>
> David Sulger seems quite readu to kill her off, though - and I don't blame
> him. <g>
>
Heh. I didn't say I was going to go out of my way to kill her, but
I'm not really interested in saving the character either. However,
the way I'm writing my chapter, she's going to end up less important
than she is in this one (and that's all I'm going to say). In any
case, I'm going to leave it open for later writers. The situation
with Faramir wasn't resolved in V 7 in the original, so I'm not going
to mess around with it in my chapter.
Öjevind Lång
[snip]
>Then it would seem that you're basing your view on the original Merry
>-- not the Morrie of the e-text, who had become one of the more
>colorful characters.
I think we have a majority resolution here: "Bring Morrie back, someone!
Without mouse ears!"
Öjevind