Ranma 1/2: (Mis)adventures of a Foreign Exchange Student

[U59090%uic...@ohstvma.acs.ohio-state.edu]

Well, this is part 4 of my fanfic. If you've missed any parts of this story,
mega...@wpi.wpi.edu is archiving it at his ftp site. Enjoy!

[Cut to a little later. Pat is standing outside of Nabiki's room, considering
something. He looks like he's decided and knocks on the door.]

Nabiki: [talking on the phone] All right, nobody will find out about it if
you just keep quiet, got it? [Pat knocks again.] Gotta go, so meet me at
lunch. [hangs up] Who is it?

Pat: It's me, Pat.

Nabiki: What do *you* want?

Pat: May I come in? I think that we need to talk about a few things.

[Nabiki lets him inside. Pat sits on a chair near her bed.]

Pat: [sighs] Nabiki, I've been thinking some things over and I'd like to ask
you a something.

Nabiki: What?

Pat: What's the *real* reason why you had me traipsing over to Tokyo?

Nabiki: I think you know why. It's the 30,000 yen a week room and board.

Pat: I don't think that's the real reason. 30,000 yen only comes up to about
$200 a week. You don't seem *that* desperate for money, what with the school
and all.

Nabiki: Well, then, what's the *real* reason why I wanted you to come here?

Pat: I think that you wanted someone to talk to.

Nabiki: You think that I want to talk to *you*?

Pat: Well, laugh if you want, but I think that that's the reason. [digs a
couple of letters out of his pocket and waves them a couple of inches from her
face] Remember these? A person once said that it was almost impossible not
to put a little bit of yourself in your writing. You wrote that you were a
little resentful of your mother for dying. You also seemed a little lonely,
as if you had no one to really talk to. Am I right?

Nabiki: [thinks] Damn. That's what I get for writing to an overly observant
goody two shoes. [to Pat] Well then, Sigmund Freud, what's the reason why I'm
so money-grubbing?

Pat: Well, I think that money is kind of like an anchor to you. It's stable,
never changes, never disappoints you, and it also never dies on you. [Nabiki
shifts uncomfortably] You seem to think that, judging by your letters, if you
could accumulate enough money, you wouldn't have to depend on anybody but
yourself. Therefore, no one could ever disappoint you again, like your
mother.

Nabiki: [thinks] I hate it when people are right. [to Pat] When I wrote you
those letters, I was looking for someone to talk to. So, what are you going
to do now? Brag it over the intercom that I'm insecure?

Pat: I didn't come into your room to blackmail you. I just wanted to know if
you wanted to talk about it with me.

Nabiki: What makes you think that I'm going to just open up to you [snaps her
fingers] just like that?

Pat: Because I know you.

Nabiki: [shaking her head] I hate a guy who's always right.

[they start talking about almost everything. Soon, they're laughing like old
friends.]

Nabiki: Are you kidding?

Pat: No, that's what my brother really did.

Nabiki: [settles down] By the way, you never told me that you knew kempo.

Pat: I don't, at least not really. It's a form of street fighting which is
kind of like a mix and match of various martial arts. My brother taught it to
me.

Nabiki: Well, since you never mentioned it in your letters, I thought you'd
be dead meat when Kuno came around.

Pat: Well, I can handle myself. [looks at her clock] Jeez, look at the
time! Listen, I've gotta get to bed. G'night. [leaves]

Nabiki: Hmph. I never thought that I'd actually like someone that honest.

Pat: [calling out over his shoulder] I heard that!

[the next day, Ranma, Akane and Pat are walking to school. They meet Ukyo in
front of the gates.]

Ukyo: Ran-chan!

Ranma: Ucc-chan! Hi!

[Pat has this silly grin plastered on his face. He mouths out "Ran-chan?" and
tries to keep from laughing. He doesn't succeed very well.]

Pat: Ran-chan? How did you get a nickname like that?

[Ukyo flattens him from behind with her giant spatula.]

Ukyo: It's a term of affection, jerk!

Pat: [who's sprawled over the grass] Oog. [shakes his head.] Great, now I
know what a fly feels like.

Akane: Pat, please, don't do what I think you're going to do.

Pat: [flails his arms and legs around and cries out in a high-pitched voice]
Help me! Help me!

Ranma: You just couldn't resist, could you Pat?

Pat: [gets up chuckling] Nope.

Ukyo: Who's the weirdo?

Ranma: He's staying with us for a couple of days. Pat, this is Ukyo, Ukyo,
Pat.

Pat: Charmed. So, do you usually squish people with spatulas, or am I the
only one to receive that honor?

Ukyo: Only idiots who make fools of themselves. Since you know Ran-chan,
however, I won't do that again.

Pat: Ah, touche. [grins at Ukyo, who lightens up a little.] Ranma, you
still haven't told me about your "pet name."

Ranma: [somewhat uncomfortable] It's from when Ucc-chan and I were a lot
younger. [whispers] Of course, I didn't know she was a girl back then.

Pat: You didn't--? Boy, you *must* have been young!

Ukyo: Well anyway, the principal is on the haircut rampage again. I just
thought that I'd let you know. [goes inside the gates.]

[Akane has been glaring at Ukyo the entire conversation. Pat notices and
waves his hand in front of her face.]

Pat: Hello, anybody home?

Akane: [gives him a warning look] What?

Pat: You know, if you keep making that face, someday it's going to stick.
[Akane lightens somewhat.] Kiddo, you need to relax, lighten up. You're so
serious all the time. [there's a loud noise from inside the gates] What the
heck--?

[The principal is cruising on a skateboard, Hawaiian shirt, clippers, and all.
The threesome scatter in their respective directions.]

Pat: [who's hit the dirt again] Let me guess, the principal?

Ranma: [sarcastically] What was your first clue?

Principal: [laughs maniacally] Now, I'll finally get that ponytail of yours,
Saotome! [swings around for another approach. Ranma, as usual, knocks him
off the skateboard.] OOF! Just for that, you'll also have to spend a month
cleaning toilets!

[Pat reaches into his backpack for something, then runs over to the
Principal.]

Pat: [helps the Principal up] Listen, sir, could you kind of overlook this
incident? Ranma's been having a really bad day. Besides, what can one
ponytail hurt? There's always tomorrow, you know.

[Ranma looks rather confused right now. Pat surreptitiously flickers his
eyebrows at Ranma.]

Principal: Well, I guess you're right. [turns to Ranma] I'll be back for
you later, Saotome.

[Pat puts something on the Principal's back. As he skates away, we see a sign
that says, "KICK ME, I MAKE STUPID RULES." Everyone tries to control their
laughter.]

[later, at lunchtime, the threesome are at the cafeteria.]

Pat: Guys, I'm going to take a look around town and see if there are any good
Chinese restaurants around. Any recommendations?

Ranma: Well, there's always the Nekohan-hmmf! [Akane has just slapped her
hand around Ranma's mouth. Ranma pulls her hand off his mouth.]

Akane: Don't you dare go there! You know how much that Shampoo bugs me!

Pat: Shampoo? Wait a minute, is she the one that turns into a...

Ranma: Don't say that word! I hate cats!

Pat: Ookay. I was about to say Felis domesticus, but let's not get too fancy
here. What's wrong with that particular restaurant?

Akane: It's not really the restaurant itself, it's the hostess.

Pat: Ah hah. Would you like to elaborate on that?

Akane: No.

Pat: Well, all I want to do is to go in, get some carry out, and then get
out. You two can just lead me there and then I'll go in solo, if that place
bothers you so much.

Ranma: [to Akane] Hmm, what do you think?

Akane: It's worth a try.

[They go down to the Nekohanten. As per the plan, Pat goes in alone.]

Shampoo: Nihao! <What can I help you with?>

Pat: [his ears perk up at Shampoo's Cantonese] <Wait a minute. You speak
Cantonese?>

Shampoo: <The last time I checked. What's your order?>

Pat: [hands her a slip of paper with their orders] <I think that I'll have
three of these to go.>

Shampoo: <Is there someone else you're ordering for?>

Pat: <Yeah, they're waiting outside.> [in Japanese] I just hope that Ranma
and Akane aren't kept waiting too long.

Shampoo: <Did you say Ranma and Akane?>

Pat: <Yup. These are their orders.>

Shampoo: <I see.>

[Just then, Mousse comes blundering out of the kitchen. He's balancing
several dishes precariously when he spots who he thinks to be Shampoo and
lunges for her, dropping his dishes. Unfortunately, he's just gone for Pat.]

Mousse: <Shampoo!> [hugs Pat]

Pat: Geez, I knew you guys were into customer service, but not like this!
[tries, in vain, to shove Mousse away.] <Get off me, you big jerk! I'm not
Shampoo, she's over ...huh?> [Shampoo has disappeared from the scene] Boy,
she does a better vanishing act than Houdini. [Mousse lets go]

Mousse: <Hey, you're not Shampoo!>

Pat: <As far as I know, no. What is it, even with your glasses, you're blind
or something? Let me see your glasses.>

[Mousse reluctantly hands them over, squinting. Pat looks through the lenses
from a distance. Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane enter, hearing the racket.]

Pat: Yow! [to himself] It's a wonder this guy's not carrying a cane!
[hands the glasses to Mousse, who nearly pokes his eyes out putting them back
on.] <Yup, you're practically blind.>

Mousse: <Why, you..!> [takes a knife from his sleeve]

Pat: <I don't have time for this!> [Pat grabs Mousse's nose *hard*]

Mousse: [drops his knife] YOW! <LEMME GO!>

Pat: <You want me to let you go?>

Mousse: <YES, LET ME GO!>

Pat: <Fine.>

[Pat smacks the hand holding Mousse's nose (yech!) away to the side.]

Mousse: YEOWTCH!

[Pat then knees Mousse in the gut, followed by an open-handed punch to the
nose, and then finishes up with a spin kick. Mousse falls down.]

Pat: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk. [jokingly, to Ranma and Akane] Well, are you
going to help me get our order or are you just going to stare at this guy on
the floor?

Shampoo: [holding a stopwatch] <Hmm. Ten seconds. Not bad. How about
going against me sometime?>

Akane: What did she say?

Pat: She wants me to try to fight her. [looks at Ranma and Akane, who are
wildly shaking their heads no] <Ah, I think I'll hold off on that for today.
How much do I owe you for the food?>

Shampoo: <For you, today, only 300 yen. [Pat pays her.] By the way, what's
your name?>

Pat: <Pat. Pat Lee.>

Shampoo: <Perhaps we'll meet again sometime.> [gives him one of those "come
hither" looks]

Pat: [backing off somewhat] <Aheh, you never know. Thanks.>

[Ranma, Akane and Pat leave the Nekohanten.]

Akane: What were you doing, picking a fight with Mousse? He's dangerous!

Pat: Akane, I didn't pick a fight with him. The guy just burst out of the
kitchen and hugged me, calling me Shampoo.

Ranma: [raises one eyebrow] That sounds about right. Mousse was always
blind as a bat.

Akane: Well still, I thought it was a mistake to go to that...WACHOO!

Pat: You okay?

Akane: [sniffs] I'm fine. There must be a draft or something.

[cut to later, afterschool. Akane's "draft" has turned into a full-blown
doozy of a cold. Ranma, Kasumi and Pat are in her room.]

Pat: So, did this thing start off with a sore throat?

Akane: [coughs rather violently] Yes. Then I started to sneeze.

[Kasumi takes her temperature, then frowns at the result.]

Kasumi: I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in bed for at least tonight
and tomorrow. You've got a 101 degree fever.

Ranma: Sounds about right for a hot-tempered girl.

[Akane lunges for Ranma, only to have a sneezing fit.]

Pat: Ranma! You're not helping much. Kasumi, could I talk to you outside
for a minute?

Kasumi: Sure.

[They go outside Akane's room.]

Pat: Kasumi, I've had this nasty little bug before, about a week before I
came here. She'll be miserable for about three days, but otherwise she'll be
fine.

Kasumi: I see. Is there any particular medicine or food she needs?

Pat: Well, just give her something to keep her fever down and lots of fluids.
It sounds generic, I know, but it works. [gets an idea] In fact, I think
I'll make some wonton soup for her.

Kasumi: [confused] Wonton soup? Won't that upset her stomach?

Pat: [smiles] Not the way I make it.

[inside Akane's room, at about the same time.]

Ranma: [hesitantly] So, you're not going to be in school tomorrow, huh?

Akane: [sniffs] Not unless you've got some kind of miracle cure on you.
Why, are you actually worried about me?

Ranma: [awkard] Who, me? Nah. [pauses] Yeah, I guess I am.

Akane: It's all right.

[Pat enters with his walkman and a couple of tapes.]

Pat: Well, since you're going to be in bed for a while, I kinda figured you
might want to listen to something. [puts the tapes and walkman on her bed]

Akane: [reads out the titles] The Little Mermaid? Beauty and the Beast?
The Best of Billy Joel?

Pat: [blushing] Uh, yeah, I listen to those to help me relax. [whispers to
Ranma] Hey, why are you still here? Akane's very contagious right now.

Ranma: [Whispers back] Then why are you still hanging around here?

Pat: Um, because I've had this disease before.

Akane: All right, Pat, what am I in for?

Pat: Honestly?

Akane: Yes, honestly.

Pat: [takes a deep breath] These days are, without a doubt, going to be the
worst three days of your life.

Akane: [sinks into her pillow] Oh, great.

Pat: Akane, I thought that I was really clear of that bug when I came over
here. [hangs his head] I'm sorry.

Akane: Well, it's not like you did this on purpose. [sighs] Well, at least
I have some time off from dealing with Kuno.

Pat: Listen, I'll be back in about an hour with a surprise.

[An hour later, Pat enters the room with a large soup bowl on a tray. Akane
is listening to one of his tapes in his walkman.]

Pat: Here you go, kiddo! [Akane takes off the headphones]

Akane: [sniffs the soup before barely turning her head to sneeze] Wachoo!
What is it? (sniff)

Pat: Wonton soup, made my own special way.

Akane: I wish I could smell it.

Pat: Well, this bug won't kill your taste buds like it has your sinuses.
Come on, try it out.

Akane: I don't know. I'm not sure my stomach can handle it.

Pat: Ah, come on. [jokingly] What are you trying to do, hurt your "big
brother's" feelings?

Akane: All right, since you put it that way. [tries a dumpling] Hey! This
is actually pretty good! I just wish my cooking turned out this good.

Pat: Well, I'm pretty sure that you just need more practice. [a loud crash
is heard outside. Pat and Akane look out the window to see Ranma and Ryoga
going at it again. He sighs and heads for the door.] I'll be back in a
little while, after I break up the fight between those two chowderheads. You
just eat up and relax.

Akane: Do I have much of a choice?

Pat: Not really.

[Pat runs outside the house. He tries, in vain, to separate the two
combatants.]

Pat: ALL RIGHT, BREAK IT UP YOU TWO!!! WHOUF! [Pat catches an umbrella jab
meant for Ranma and is knocked down to the ground. He recovers quickly, and
looks really ticked off.] Okay, THAT DOES IT! NUKE ATTACK! [a tremendous
amount of lightning-like ki energy seems to surround Pat. Ranma and Ryoga
look at Pat, shocked. They both have this "uh-oh" look on their face.
Whereas Ryoga's power seems to be that of an aura, Pat's energy is like a
violent thunderstorm, begging to be released. The energy buildup continues
until it erupts in a mushroom-cloud like column of light. Ranma and Ryoga are
caught like flies in a tornado and are flung against the wall of the dojo.
The discharge fades, leaving Pat in the center of a 50-foot diameter crater in
the yard, exhausted.] Whew! That was one of my better nuke attacks. [goes
over to Ranma and wakes him up] Hey, are you okay?

Ranma: Uunnnhh...What the heck did you hit me with?

Pat: Well, the formal name for it is "exploding mushroom energy column
attack," but, I figured that "nuke attack" seemed more appropriate. Besides,
who has time to say "exploding etc. etc." in the middle of a fight? How do
you feel?

Ranma: [gets up] I feel like I've been run over with a steamroller.

Pat: Good. Then it worked. I was trying to hold back, you know.

Ranma: You were WHAT?

Pat: Well, let me put it this way. The first time I used this, I nearly
vaporized the school gym, with everyone in it.

Ranma: If it was so dangerous, why'd you try it on Ryoga and me?

Pat: I figured that it'd be a sure-fire way to get your attention. I was
trying to tell you guys to cut it out because Akane needs her rest.

Ranma: Let me try to understand this. You wanted both of us to stop fighting
and be quiet, right?

Pat: That was the general idea, yes.

Ranma: So you cause an explosion, which would probably wake the dead, to shut
us up! You also caused a 50-foot crater to appear right in their backyard!

Pat: Hey, it worked, didn't it? [looks at Ryoga's unconscious form] Do you
think I should wake him up?

Ranma: NO! He'd just start something up again.

Pat: Keep it down, will you? [pauses] Come to think of it, I'd better let
him sleep it off. Good thing it's not going to rain today. [He hears a rum-
ble in the distance and sighs] That figures. Come on, let's get him inside
before he starts squealing on us.

Ranma: [helps Pat drag Ryoga inside the dojo] That was a rotten joke, Pat.

[cut to much later. Pat enters Akane's room and collects the soup bowl and
tray. He leaves and we see Ranma sneaking in.]

[the next day, Pat and Ranma are walking to school. Pat keeps glancing at
Ranma out of the corner of his eye. Ranma has conspicuous bags under his
eyes.]

Pat: What's the matter, did you have insomnia last night?

Ranma: [distracted] Hmm? Oh, no, I didn't have insomnia last night.

Pat: Then how come you're so tired?

Ranma: I...had things to take care of last night. Let's just leave it at
that.

Pat: Okay, fine with me.