[Fanfic] Daigakusei no Ranma - Episode 15
Ranma Saotome
As I sat and watched the setting sun Must I always be reminded
I noticed you were looking away Wary of the future
Caught in a daydream
Here's your chance - Tonight
I put my arm in yours 'Cause I'm opening my heart - Tonight
My head on your shoulder I want to live my life - Tonight
You were still so far away I want to break free - Tonight
-=- Leave the memories behind
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
| Daigakusei no Ranma |
| |
| Created by David Tai and Paul Gallegos |
| |
| Based on the characters created by Rumiko Takahashi |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
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-= Episode 15: "A Battle of Pawns! Kunou vs. Ranma!" =-
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[The Nekohanten. A large clock on the wall shows the time to be just before
9:00 pm. Lardizabal and Ranma have engaged in an arm wrestling match. Shampoo
is alternating between watching and serving other customers, as is Mousse.
Kunou and Yuriko talk quietly at one table, mostly ignoring the duel in
progress, while the rest of the people watch eagerly.]
Ranma: [calmly] Can't you do better than this, Lardy?
[Lardizabal chugs some sake with one hand while straining with the other.]
Lardizabal: Don't call me Lardy, Saotome. And I don't see you forcing my arm
down.
Ranma: [yawns] Oh... did you say something?
Lardizabal: Pay attention!
Ranma: [sighs] I think I'm getting sleepy.
[Ranma casually pushes, and Lardy's arm goes down almost all the way to the
table. Lardizabal takes a big swig of sake and pushes his arm up slightly.
Slowly, inch by inch, Lardizabal manages to get his arm almost all the way back
to the halfway mark.]
Mousse: Impressive, Tanaka-san. I must admit that Saotome is very strong.
Shampoo: [passing by with a tray of glasses] Hah! Ranma just letting Tanaka
tire self out. Ranma stronger any day of week.
Lardizabal: [proudly] The more I drink, the stronger I get.
Shampoo: [glances back] Stronger your breath gets.
[Lardizabal turns to growl at Shampoo, who smirks back at him. Meanwhile,
Ranma casually pushes his arm down almost all the way again.]
Someone in the crowd: [making a stabbing motion with one hand] Finish him!
Ukyou: [more enthused] You can do it, Ranchan! Take him down!
Makiko: [really into it] You can do it, Tanaka-kun! Show him who's the real
master of martial arts!
[Ukyou and Makiko stare at each other for a moment. Ukyou smiles faintly
while Makiko giggles.]
Akane: [bored out of her skull] Come on, Ranma. Don't drag it out. We
all know you're going to win.
Lardizabal: [eyes light up] Who said?
[Lardizabal takes a really long swig and gives a mighty shove. The arms now
sway in his favor as he presses Ranma past the halfway point.]
Ranma: Come on, Lardy. Even Akane could do better than that.
Akane: RANMA!
Lardizabal: I'll show you better, Saotome.
[Ranma yawns again.]
Lardizabal: [thinking] Why does he keep yawning? Is this some kind of trick?
Well, it's not working.
Ranma: [thinking] Wow, I'm tired. Guess I'm not getting enough sleep.
[The last couple of nights flash through Ranma's mind: Last night, Akane
punted him out the window. A stomach ache from stirfry gone horribly wrong
the previous night. Flung into a tree for some innocent comment the night
before that. And four nights ago...]
Ranma: [thinking] I don't like this.
[While he is distracted, Lardizabal manages to push Ranma's arm a few more
millimeters downward. Akane continues to fume.]
Akane: Finish him off, Tanaka-san.
Lardizabal: [blinks, then grins] Your wish is my command.
Ranma: [blinks, grim look] In your dreams, sake-boy.
[Ranma gives a mighty shove and pushes Lardizabal's arm back through the
half-way mark, slamming it to the table. Mostly unaware of the clash of
strength in front of them, Yuriko finishes talking to Kunou, gets up, and
leaves. Kunou finally turns his attention to the match as it ends.]
Shampoo: [claps hands] Ranma win!
Ranma: [leans back] Of course. Lardy ought to know by now he can't beat
me. He never had a chance.
Lardizabal: I'll show you who never had a chance!
[He starts to swing his sake bottle around at Ranma, only to have one arm
grabbed by Shampoo, the other by Mousse.]
Shampoo: Shampoo would enjoy watching Ranma beat you up, but Shampoo no want
furniture broken in process.
Lardizabal: Lemme go! I'll sho' 'em, I will! [dragged off]
Ukyou: [watching Lardizabal] You didn't have to taunt him, Ranchan.
Ranma: [rolls his eyes] He's a worthless drunk. The sooner he learns not to
mess with me, the better. I could beat him with both arms behind
my back and my right eye poked out.
Akane: [irritably] My, aren't WE humble today.
[Makiko is standing behind Ranma making gestures around Ranma's head as if it
was expanding. Ukyou and Akane begin to laugh.]
Ranma: Nani??
[Ranma spins around just as Makiko drops her arms.]
Akane: One of these days, Ranma, you're going to meet someone you can't beat.
Ranma: [dismissingly] Yeah, right.
Kunou: Saotome has never been noted for his humility. Indeed, the demon of
pride has ridden him since first we met under the spring sun.
Ranma: [blinks] Kunou? How long have you been here?
Kunou: Longer in your presence than I desire to remain. Farewell, Akane.
Fare poorly, Saotome. [stalks out]
Ranma: Hrmph. Demon of pride. He's the egomaniac, not me. [yawns]
Ukyou: You must be really tired, Ranchan. I don't think I've ever seen you
yawn this much on a normal night. Did Tanaka-san really wear you out?
Ranma: [glares at Akane] SOMEONE keeps keeping me up at night.
[Ukyou blinks. Makiko laughs. Akane turns slightly red.]
Makiko: Making Ketibeppu-san wish he could see through walls, ne?
Akane: [blushing] It's not like that.
Ranma: Eh, what?
Ukyou: [laughs] You're so naive sometimes, Ranchan.
Ranma: Wait, you thought that I...with her? [blushes] I'd never...I mean...
Stop laughing!
[Ukyou and Makiko turn to go.]
Ukyou: Good night, Ranchan.
Makiko: [laughing] Don't let Akane keep you up so late this time, Ranma.
You might wake up the neighbors.
Ranma: Makiko!!!!!
* * *
[Maison Sabaku, 1:00 am. Akane moans and rolls over, unable to sleep. She
looks over at Ranma-chan, who is sleeping like a baby.]
Akane: [thinking] What's her secret?
[She tries to roll over again, only to come face to face with a cockroach.]
Akane: [screws up her face] Disgusting.
[She tries to hit the cockroach, which scampers. She starts pounding the
floor wildly, until finally she squashes it.]
Akane: [makes a face] Bleah, now I have to wash my hand.
[She gets up and washes and dries her hand.]
Akane: I'm going to have to tell kanrinin-san we need to spray for roaches.
[Clambering back into bed, she stares at Ranma-chan, who has shifted
slightly. Ranma-chan's pig-tail now lies right in front of Akane's face.]
Akane: [reaches out hesitantly and gently tugs on Ranma-chan's pig-tail,
murmuring] I... I almost wish they had been right...I mean when they
said...
Ranma-chan: [faintly, eyes still closed] Me too.
Akane: [big eyes] Ranma...I..you...uh... [thinking] He's awake! Did
I say that out loud. What am I gonna say?
Ranma-chan: [faintly] If only we could...
Akane: [blushing] Well, we are married. [blushes more] I mean...uh...you
know. It's not like it would be wrong for us to...uh, I mean...
[swirling a finger round and round in the top of her pajamas] Do
you...ah...
Ranma-chan: [faintly] But if Shampoo finds out, she'll kill us. Both of
us.
Akane: [angrily] I don't care what Shampoo thinks!
Ranma-chan: [faintly, still hasn't opened his eyes] She has this delusion
she's married to me.
Akane: [smacking one fist angrily into the palm of her other hand several
times] She's not your wife no matter how many delusions she has!
Ranma-chan: [faintly] Not to mention the way something always happens
whenever I want to get romantic. People walk in; I get
attacked; it turns out someone is videotaping me.
Akane: [sighs] Yeah. Choji is probably watching us right now. Or
trying.
Ranma-chan: [faintly] I love you.
Akane: [big, big eyes] Ranma...I...uh...you...I mean...I..uh...
l...you..Uhm...
Ranma-chan: [faintly, eyes still closed] May I kiss you?
Akane: [breathing hard] S...sure...[leans down to kiss Ranma]
Ranma-chan: [faintly, eyes still closed] Hitomi-chan.
Akane: [lips only inches from Ranma's] WHAT?
Ranma-chan: [faintly, eyes still closed] It's so wonderful to have a nice
girl like you here so close. That baka tomboy will never know.
Akane: [angrily] Ranma! HOW CAN YOU BE SO CRUEL?
[She starts trying to pound him into the ground. He keeps rolling around
with his eyes shut, avoiding every blow. She keeps pounding the ground
instead.]
Akane: [angrily] BAKA BAKA BAKA!
Ranma-chan: [loudly, eyes still closed] I'll never rule the UNIVERSE
WITH YOU!
Akane: [pauses] Ranma? Eh...
Ranma-chan: [loudly] You're not my father!
Akane: [rolls her eyes] You're dreaming...You were dreaming the whole
time. You didn't hear anything I said. [angrily] BAKA! [tries to
strike him but her arms can't move. She pulls and pulls and pulls,
but it feels like something heavy is tied to her arms.] What's
going on?
[Suddenly the world falls apart. Akane shakes her head and is lying on
the futon. Her right arm is tied to a chair with books piled on it. She
looks over at Ranma-chan who has a big smile on her face as she lies on
the futon next to Akane.]
Akane: Ranma, you have ten seconds to explain why my hand is tied to a chair.
Ranma-chan: [blinks] Uh, you, the banging, I...sleep, um.
Akane: RANMA NO BAKA!
[Akane swings the chair and books around and whaps Ranma-chan in the
head, knocking her out.]
Akane: [sighs] I must have dreamed all of that. You wouldn't really
say that. [quietly] I hope.
* * *
[Maison Sabaku, 1:00 am. Ranma-chan moans and rolls over, unable to sleep. She
looks over at Akane, who is sleeping like a baby.]
Ranma-chan: [thinking] What's her secret?
[As Ranma rolls over and tries to go back to sleep, banging noises erupt
from the direction of Choji's room. It sounds very similar to a jackhammer...
or a pile driver.]
Ranma-chan: [groans] Great, he's probably trying to install an x-ray machine or
something.
[Ranma-chan tries to sleep, but the banging noises continue. Finally, she gets
up.]
Ranma-chan: [thinking] I'd better go tell him to be quiet... [mumbles] Baka.
[As soon as Ranma-chan gets up, quiet descends on the building. She pauses.
More quiet.]
Ranma-chan: [shrugs, thinking] I guess he finished.
[Ranma-chan curls up in bed, and the banging begins again. She gets up and
gets halfway dressed before noticing all is quiet. She waits, one foot in
her pants, one foot out. Still no noise. She gets undressed and quietly
slips back into bed.]
Ranma-chan: [thinking] It's got to be over.
[Once more she hears a banging noise and sits up, but this time realizes it
isn't coming from the direction of Choji's room. She looks over as the noise
continues and sees Akane pounding the floor in her sleep with one hand,
mumbling something incoherent. Ranma-chan's eyes narrow, then she crosses her
arms over her chest, deep in thought. Moments later, she snaps her fingers and
gets out of bed. She finds a spare pillow and ties it to Akane's hand with
string. However, it is pathetically unable to stop Akane's methodical
pounding. She then drags a chair over and ties Akane's hand to it. The chair
starts to bounce up and down. Exasperated, Ranma-chan starts piling books on
the chair. After several shelves are emptied, Akane is finally unable to move
her hand.]
Ranma-chan: [thinking] Maybe NOW I can get some sleep.
[Ranma-chan curls up under the sheets and smiles as she feels sleep about to
take her. That is, until she hears a voice.]
Akane: Ranma, you have ten seconds to explain why my hand is tied to a chair.
Ranma-chan: [blinks] Uh, you, the banging, I...sleep, um.
Akane: RANMA NO BAKA!
[Ranma-chan watches as the chair and pile of books comes crashing down on her
head, dropping her into welcome unconsciousness.]
* * *
[History class at Mizunoikan. The teacher drones on and on, causing many
students to find other ways of keeping awake. Several students in the back have
already fallen asleep, while several others are conversing among themselves
near a window. One student is reading a girly magazine inside his textbook, and
two other girls are passing notes to each other around him. One particular girl
dressed in a suit near the front seems to be actually paying attention to the
teacher. Ranma, however, is doodling little drawings in his notepad, showing
Choji being chased by a horrible monster. There are half-finished doodles of
Hitomi, Ukyou, and Akane on the page, as well as one of Lardizabal with a sake
bottle stuck up his nose.]
Toba-sensei: Saotome-san.
[Ranma doesn't notice, preoccupied by putting fur on the monster chasing the
Choji-doodle.]
Toba-sensei: Saotome-san.
[Ranma moves on to the next crucial stage, where he shows the monster toppling
a chair full of books on Choji.]
Ranma: [thinking] Baka... keeping me up like that.
[He feels something bounce off his forehead. Looking up, he sees a second
eraser homing in on his forehead. He catches it and is about to throw it back
when he realizes it came from his history teacher.]
Toba-sensei: Saotome-san, are you awake now?
Ranma: I was not sleeping! I was doodl..er... I mean...
Toba-sensei: Well, now that you have decided to pay attention to lecture,
perhaps you would care to answer a question from the reading
assignment?
Ranma: Hai. [thinking] What reading assignment?
Toba-sensei: Who was Karl Marx, and what was his historical significance?
Ranma: [grins] He was the only Marx brothers who didn't get a movie contract,
so he went into vaudeville.
Toba-sensei: [blinks twice] Nani?
Ranma: [thinking] I never thought that Marx Brothers film-fest Ukyou dragged
me to would ever pay off.
Toba-sensei: [pauses] That's a very interesting answer, Saotome-san. It
shows you do know something after all. [walks over to one side
of the room] Sadly, it is completely outside the scope of this
class.
[Toba-sensei pulls a rope and a bucket of water dumps down on Ranma from the
ceiling.]
Ranma-chan: [blinks] Hey! Whaddya do that for?
[At this point, the class decides to pay attention... to Ranma, anyway. Several
students are laughing, while others just stare in amazement and point.]
Ranma-chan: I... uh...
Girl: What kind of hentai are you? Not only do you not know who Karl Marx is,
you cross dress too?
Ranma-chan: Wait, I didn't get him confused with Zeppo, did I?
[A loud buzzing sound echoes throughout the classroom. Toba-sensei releases a
button and taps his foot impatiently.]
Toba-sensei: Incorrect! The first person in the class who can tell me who
Karl Marx is and his significance in history gets to have...
what's behind door number one!
[Ranma-chan now notices the three doors in one wall, labeled "1", "2" and "3".]
Guy: He succeeded Mao as Premier of China.
Toba-sensei: Incorrect!
Girl: He's Bill Clinton's cousin.
Toba-sensei: Incorrect!
Guy #2: Oh, you mean the writer of the Communist Manifesto? German economist
and political writer? Also wrote Das Kapital and other works?
Founder of Communism?
Toba-sensei: [strikes a pose of triumph] Correct! We have a winner!
Guy #2: Well, why didn't you say that in the first place?
Toba-sensei: [bounces an eraser off the student's head] Because I expected
you to know that!
Guy #2: [rubs his head] Do I get what is behind Door #3?
Toba-sensei: Door #1.
[The door swings wide open, and Akane runs out and leaps into Guy #2's lap.]
Akane: You're much smarter than that baka hen crossdresser, Ranma.
Ranma-chan: I am not a baka hen crossdresser!
Akane: [sticks out tongue] You don't even know who Karl Marx is.
Guy #2: Sorry, you're out of luck, pal.
[A spotlight illuminates Guy #2's face. Ranma-chan slowly pales as she
recognizes...]
Lardizabal: See who's the loser now.
Ranma-chan: DIE!!!!!!!
[She leaps forward, only to be clobbered by an eraser from the teacher. As she
loses consciousness, a voice rings out in her head.]
Voice: SAOTOME! WAKE UP!
[Ranma snaps awake. He has been snoozing in his history class, which is
basically the same as he had dreamed it.]
Ranma: Hai?
Toba-sensei: [irritatedly] Well, now that you have decided to pay attention
to the lecture, perhaps you would care to answer a question from
the reading assignment?
[A bead of sweat appears on Ranma's forehead.]
Ranma: H-hai.
Toba-sensei: Who was Karl Marx, and what was his historical significance?
[Ranma yelps and leaps out a window.]
Toba-sensei: [looking out the window after Ranma] What is it with this boy?
* * *
[It is lunchtime at the university. Students are scattered across the campus
eating sack lunches, at the various dorm eateries, or at the small restaurants
that abound on the fringes of the school. Ranma himself has a boxed lunch
today, even though he is somewhat afraid to eat it. As he looks for somewhere
to grab a bite before he has to head to his next class, he spots Kunou sitting
at a table near a fountain, playing some game Ranma does not recognize,
although it looks somewhat like Shogi. His opponent is wearing a T-shirt that
says Mizokounan University Chess Club.]
Kunou: Queen's Bishop to Queen's Bishop five. Check, Ito.
[Brief pause.]
Ito: [irritated] And mate. Baah. I lose again.
Ranma: [thinking] Kunou actually won something?
[Ranma wanders over, his curiousity aroused. The game is an eight by eight
grid with a set of interestingly carved pieces that look like semi-abstract
art.]
Ranma: What's this?
Kunou: [looks up] Something your barbaric mind has no doubt never heard
of. The pleasures of chess are as far above your feeble mind as
the clouds above the dirt below.
Ranma: It looks like some twisted form of Shogi.
Ito: It's the European equivalent. Similar but different. Kunou's very good
at it.
Ranma: [smirking] Hah. Kunou good at it? Must be easy.
Kunou: Wouldst thou then submit to play a game that I might humiliate you in
style, Saotome?
Ranma: Hah. Sure.
Ito: Kunou, set up the board, while I explain the rules to...Saotome?
Ranma: Saotome Ranma.
Ito: Hai. I'm Kusangawa Ito.
[He gives Ranma a rundown on the rules of chess. Soon, Kunou and Ranma
are seated at the board. Ranma is white, Kunou is black.]
Ranma: [looks a bit confused] White goes first?
Kunou: Though it matches the color of your soul but poorly, hai.
Ranma: [scratches his head uncertainly] Right.
[He advances his King's Bishop's pawn to King's Bishop's pawn three. Kunou
advances his King's pawn to King's pawn four. A flurry of moves ensue.
Two moves later...]
Kunou: [smirking] Check and mate. The Fool's mate to be precise.
Ranma: [irritated] Hmph. Let's play again.
Kunou: [condescendingly] As the fool desires, so shall it be done. I
shall enjoy further demonstrating your inferiority.
Ranma: I am not a fool!
Ito: [lecturing] Kunou is referring to the classic sequence of moves
known as the "Fool's mate". It's a common mistake pattern of first
time-chess players.
[They play again. This time Ranma loses in 11 moves.]
Ranma: Grr. One more game.
Kunou: That you may be proven thrice the fool?
Ranma: Just set up the board.
[This time Ranma does a little better, managing to last twenty moves before
Kunou checkmates him.]
Kunou: Would you like to lose again, or have you been dispensed enough
humility for this day?
Ranma: Hmph. One more game.
Ito: Well, I'm taking off. I'm already late to my one o'clock.
Ranma: [starts] Ack! I've got a class too. I'll play you again tomorrow,
Kunou. And this time I won't go easy on you.
[Ito blinks. Kunou laughs.]
Kunou: Agreed. And it is I who have been merciful on this occassion, not
crushing you as you so richly deserve.
Ranma: Whatever. See you at lunchtime. [sprints off.]
* * *
[Ranma is sitting at a table at Chez Funsui, drinking some tea and
working on his class schedule.]
Ranma: [running over his list with a pencil] Let's see. I want Soccer on
Mondays at three. Then I can take my political science requirement at
1 the same days. [scribbles on list, then holds it up with a puzzled
look] What the heck is political science, anyway?
Hitomi: [bringing Ranma some food] It's the study of politics in a
scientific manner.
Ranma: [startled] They do experiments on politicians?
Hitomi: [looks uncertain] Umm. I'm not sure actually.
Ranma: [brightening] This class may be more fun than I thought.
Hitomi: What else are you taking?
Ranma: I'm not sure. I gotta talk to my advisor. This soccer class counts
for my major and takes care of my physical education core requirement.
I wanna get this political science class out of the way. I guess I'm
gonna take a section of freshman composition. Writing is boring, but I
can't get out of it. I'm hoping Ukyou can help me.
Hitomi: I bet Akane would be willing to help you. She's already had that,
hasn't she?
Ranma: [stares into space for a moment] Yeah, I guess she has. I gotta
take another boring history class too. Although I may wait 'til next
year to take Japanese history, since I got World History nailed down
this semester. Toba-kyouju... grrr.
Hitomi: What's wrong with him?
Ranma: Trust me, you don't wanna know. Heck, I wish I didn't know. [pause]
I just gotta make sure I don't miss my appointment with my advisor
three days from now. I have this weirdo from the philosophy
department until I can get one of the coaches to be my advisor.
Hitomi: Who's your advisor?
Ranma: This Tarasawa-kyouju guy. He's nuts. He uses words like...
[pauses uncertainly] Exoskeletalstentialism.
Hitomi: What?
Ranma: See? I bet he just makes them up to sound smart. He keeps telling
me I'm not actualizing my intellectual potential, whatever that means.
Hitomi: [shrugs] Don't ask me. Must be a philosophy thing.
Ranma: I'm not looking forward to seeing him, but at least I won't have to
see him again until next semester once this is over.
Hitomi's boss: They need you at table five, Hitomi-san.
Hitomi: [winces and gets up] Well, I'd better go work.
Ranma: [waves] I'd better be getting home.
* * *
[The next day, Ranma arrives on time for his game with Kunou, who has already
set up the chess set.]
Kunou: I see you do not shirk your impending humiliation.
Ranma: [loudly] Ha! You're the one who is going to be humiliated.
[Ukyou and Makiko spot Ranma from a distance.]
Ukyou: [surprised] What are Kunou and Ranma doing over there?
Makiko: [looks over at Kunou and Ranma] Looks like a game of chess to me.
Ukyou: [blinks] I don't think I've ever seen them do something non-violent
together.
Makiko: I wanna see who's winning.
[They walk over to Kunou and Ranma.]
Kunou: Then perhaps you'd be interested in a small wager?
Ranma: What kind of wager?
Kunou: The loser of this competition must get down on his knees and admit the
winner is a much better chess player and all around person than the
loser is.
Ranma: We already know I'm a better all around person than you, Kunou.
[Ukyou and Makiko arrive.]
Kunou: Then you're not afraid to bet? Or shall your cowardly streak once
again assert itself?
Ukyou: He's not a coward!
Ranma: [angrily] I am not a coward!
Kunou: Then you agree to the bet?
Ranma: HAI!
Kunou: Then let the game begin.
[Ranma reaches out to move his King's Pawn to King's Pawn four. He sees Kunou
rolling his eyes and smirking. He puts the piece back down and starts to move
his Queen's knight. Kunou tries not to laugh.]
Ranma: [irritated] It's only the first move! What are you laughing for?
Kunou: It is indeed pathetic when a player requires so long to make his first
move.
Ranma: [waves his hands] I don't see you blazing a trail!
Kunou: I can't make my first move until you do.
Ranma: [bead of sweat forms] Oh yeah.
* * *
[Makiko walks up and looks over Ranma's shoulder. She ponders Ranma's manpower
situation, which now looks like Napoleon's forces at Waterloo, as Ranma looks
up at her.]
Ranma: What do you think?
Makiko: The way things're going... looks like checkmate in ten.
Kunou: [flatly] Seven.
Ranma: [angrily] Who asked you!?
[Seven moves later...]
Ranma: Chikusho.
Kunou: Check and mate.
Ranma: [stands up] No way!
Kunou: Are you ready to grovel?
Ranma: Hah! I'll double the bet for another game.
Kunou: [adopts the thinker pose] Hmm. All right. Loser must also be
manservant to the winner for a week.
Ranma: Deal!
[They play. Kunou methodically destroys Ranma. In fact, Kunou doesn't even
seem to need to think at all about his moves, moving within thirty seconds of
Ranma finishing his moves.]
Kunou: Well, what shall I have you do first? Hmmm.
Ranma: Gimme one more chance! I'll wear a sign for a week saying I'm a loser
if I lose the next game.
Kunou: All right, from my boundless mercy, I shall give you one more chance.
I will even give you one week to prepare yourself and make your sign.
Ranma: I'll beat you next time.
Kunou: And perhaps little elves will creep out from the periwinkles and
bring you the hat of all knowledge also. [smiles faintly] Hmm. I
have an even better idea. Given we are both warriors, even if you
are barely worthy of the name, we should play martial chess.
Ranma: [starting to smile] Martial Chess?
Kunou: [lecturing] Whenever you take a piece, you get a free attack on your
opponent, using a weapon relevant to the piece you used to take your
opponent's piece with. For example, taking a piece with your queen
lets you smite your foe with a scepter. I will of course provide the
equipment as you are too pathetically poor and ill-equipped to fend
for yourself in this matter.
Ranma: Hah! I'll bring my own weapons! [pauses] Uh. What are they?
Kunou: Bokken for the King, scepter for the Queen, mace and chain for the
Knight, bishop's staff for the Bishop, a brick for the Rook, and...
Ranma: [interrupting] A brick?
Kunou: No. [sarcastically] A _BRICK_. And barehanded attack for the pawn.
Ranma: [smirks] Heh. [thinking] I know what pieces I want to capture
that baka's with. What's a mace and chain, anyway?
Kunou: I shall see you in a week. I expect it will take you that long to
stea...equip yourself.
Ranma: You got it! And I'm gonna crush you.
Kunou: [rolls his eyes] How terrifying.
* * *
[Ranma approaches Maison Sabaku, and is startled to see a table set up on the
front lawn. Kazukyo and Toshi are playing chess.]
Ranma: Playing chess?
Toshi: You know the game?
Ranma: Uh, just a little.
[Kazuyo moves her Queen's Bishop.]
Kazuyo: I didn't know you did Chess as a hobby.
[Toshi sits and thinks.]
Ranma: I've just taken it up, actually. Umm...How do you become good at
chess?
Toshi: Play again and again for years. It's the only way.
Kazuyo: There are some good chess books you can read. The game has been
studied by a lot of its players. You can learn a lot from their
writings. And you have to play lots of chess. I've just started
learning recently.
Ranma: I need to be able to beat someone soon.
Toshi: [eyes Ranma calculatingly] You're doomed.
Ranma: Eh?
Toshi: If they're that much better than you, you'll never catch up in a few
weeks.
Ranma: [thinking] I don't have a few weeks. I have less than a week. [out
loud] It's that hard to learn chess?
Toshi: [waggling a finger] Boy, I've been playing chess since I was your
age, and there's still people I can't beat.
[He moves a knight, only to have it taken by Kazuyo's Queen. He frowns at the
board.]
Kazyuo: Myself being one of them?
[Toshi humphs and stares at the board.]
Ranma: Chess books. Right. Well, off to the library for me.
[He runs like the wind.]
Kazuyo: Your move, Toshi. I wonder who Ranma has to play against?
Toshi: [finally looking up] Doomed. That's what he is. Doomed.
* * *
[We see Akane sitting at the dinner table alone except for two plates of
cooling food.]
Akane: [angry] That baka is probably eating at Chez Funsui or the Nekohanten
again without having told me. [snorts] Grrr. He never tells me
anything.
[trying to imitate Ranma's voice] "Akane, I thought I told you I was
studying with Ucchan. Akane, I thought I told you Hitomi offered to
buy me dinner. Akane, I couldn't pass up the free coupon for dinner at
the Nekohanten I found. Akane, I want to live!"
[normal voice, but still angry] Baka. He'll eat with anyone but me.
[She hears really heavy footsteps coming up the stairs.]
Akane: Baka. What's the heaviest object I have lying around...
[The door opens.]
Akane: Ranma! Where have you been! Dinner's been ready for four hours!
It's 11 pm! Why didn't you call, and who was it this time?
[What appears to be a self-propelled pile of books walks in.]
Akane: [slightly confused] Uh... konbanwa?
[The pile collapses into a smaller, more triangular pile just inside the
door. Various human body parts are sticking out.]
Ranma: [faint voice] Tadaima, Akane.
[There is a faint thumping noise, and snoring sounds can be heard from
somewhere deep in the pile.]
Akane: Ranma?
[No response. She picks up a book. _Fifty Chess Mysteries_ by Raymond
Smullyan. A quick check reveals every single book and videotape in the
pile has the word chess in its title.]
Akane: He's been checking out books on chess from the library all night?
[She finds a printout stuffed halfway out of his pocket. Ranma appears
to have done a search in the library computer for every single book with
the word chess in the title, and it looks like he checked them all out.]
Akane: [shaking Ranma] Wake up!
[Ranma ignores her completely and continues to snore loudly.]
Akane: [shrugging] I guess I get more space to myself tonight.
* * *
[The next morning, Akane returns home and sees Ranma slowly digging his
way out of the pile of books. He stretches and wanders into the bathroom.]
Akane: Uh...you want some breakfast?
Ranma: Hai, onegai.
[Shower noises from bathroom as Akane whips up a quick breakfast.]
Akane: I didn't have much time to make this, but...
[Ranma sits down, grabs the food with one hand, a book with the other.
He begins reading the book with one hand, eating with the other.]
Akane: Why are you reading about Chess, Ranma?
Ranma: [mumbling through a full mouth] Can't talk. Studying. Thanks for
the food.
[Akane blinks.]
Akane: Ranma?
Ranma: [wolfs down the rest of the food] I'll see you at lunch. I got a lot
of reading to do.
Akane: Uh, yeah. Why are you doing this, Ranma?
Ranma: I need to learn to play chess.
Akane: It takes this many books?
Ranma: I didn't have time to figure out which ones to take so I took them all.
Akane: Are you going to read them all?
Ranma: If I have time. Don't you have class in twenty minutes?
[Akane checks her watch and realizes that the class starts in three minutes.]
Akane: Ack! [runs to grab her books] See you later.
Ranma: Check.
Akane: [pauses and stares at Ranma] Nani?
Ranma: I mean hai. Ja mata.
* * *
[We see Ranma at an artisan's shop. The walls are covered with every
kind of hand weapon you can imagine. There are battleaxes, katanas, bo
staves, nunchaku, sais, flails, hatchets, pikes, glaives, guisarmes,
glaive-guisarmes, awl pikes, silverback pikes, daggers, wakazashis, and a
complete ginsu knife collection, as well as many hard to identify weapons.]
Ranma: I need some weapons, if you have them.
Honest Taki: You want weapons? I've got weapons! Long weapons, short
weapons, big weapons, small weapons. [pulls a pair of short
fish gutting hooks off a shelf] How about a pair of these?
Gaijin weapons called bills. Used by sailors to fight the
pirates of the Carribean.
Ranma: [sweatdrop] Um, I have a specific list of weapons.
Honest Taki: [mostly ignoring him] Ahh! A man who knows what he wants! How
about this? [tries to pull a European style longsword out of an
anvil it is stuck in. He huffs and puffs but has no success.]
Stupid thing is stuck again. How about this nice axe? [He
pulls a large axe off a wall rack.] Only used once! [Ranma
frowns.] Hmm. I see, you want Japanese weapons! How about
this? [lifts a katana off a katana rack.] This was the honor
blade of House Yamaguchi.
Ranma: How did you get their honor blade?
Honest Taki: Uh... [pauses nervously] Lemme find something else for you.
[He quickly starts grabbing other weapons.] Let's see, how
about...
Ranma: [reading a list] I need a scepter, a bokken, a bishop's staff, a
brick, and a mace and chain.
Honest Taki: [nods as he hears each item, then blinks at the last item]
Mace and chain?
Ranma: Hai.
Honest Taki: That's easy! [goes behind the counter and gets out a tiny
spraycan of mace on a chain with a clip for hanging on your
belt.] Here ya go. Let's see. [finds a bokken, a bishop's
staff, and a brick and hands them to Ranma] Here ya go. You'll
need to see a jeweler for that scepter.
[thinking] What does this kid need a scepter for?
Ranma: [looking at the mace] How does this thing work? [thinking] And what
do you need the chain for? To swing it? That doesn't look very
dangerous.
Honest Taki: Lemme demonstrate. [clips the chain onto his belt, holds up the
spray can, and sprays Ranma, who falls down, clutching his face.]
Pretty neat, eh?
Ranma: [rubbing at eyes] ACK!
* * *
[Akane returns home for lunch. She sees Ranma finishing setting up a
combination TV/VCR/Stereo system. It looks quite expensive, up to date, and
powerful.]
Akane: Ranma, where did that come from?
Ranma: Borrowed it from Choji so I can watch these "Learn Chess the Video Way"
tapes.
Akane: From Choji?
Ranma: Yeah. He said he got a new one, so I could borrow this one.
[fiddles with the setup] Hmm. I think it's all ready.
[hears his stomach rumble] Boy, am I hungry.
Akane: Would you like something to eat?
Ranma: Sure. Whip me up something.
Akane: [thinking] I wonder if he's sick.
[Akane starts cooking. Ranma starts the tape he has in the VCR. Static is
followed by soft, sexy music. The screen shows a woman's foot, then starts
moving up her bare leg. She seems to be lying on some kind of cushions.
Akane is not able to see the screen, as she is busy cooking.]
Ranma: [thinking] This is a chess tape?
[The screen moves up the woman's legs to her stomach. She is wearing not much
more than a loincloth below the waist. Her leg moves up and down, then over
as if it was about to kick the screen.]
Ranma: [thinking] This can't be right.
[Ranma stops the VCR and checks the tape. "Big Sexy Dynamite 1". He blinks.]
Akane: [not looking] Something wrong?
Ranma: [putting one hand behind his head] I...uh...put in the wrong tape
first.
[He tosses Big Sexy Dynamite out the window, and puts in the tape he had
intended to watch.]
Ranma: [thinking] Choji must have left that in there.
[Ranma starts watching the chess tape, following the moves demonstrated with a
chess set. Akane sets down some soup, bread and fruit on a plate.]
Akane: I didn't have time for anything fancy.
Ranma: [nods] Thanks.
[Ranma wolfs down the food and follows the moves at the same time. In about a
minute and a half, he is done.]
Ranma: That was great. Arigato.
Akane: [stunned] I...you really mean it.
Ranma: Queen's pawn to Queen's pawn six.
Akane: Nani?
Ranma: Hai. I mean it.
Akane: Are you hearing anything I say?
Ranma: Hai.
Akane: [narrows her eyes] Are you sure?
Ranma: Hai.
Akane: Not just saying Hai over and over?
Ranma: Hai.
[Ranma is still gazing at the screen and copying the moves.]
Akane: If I told you to jump off a cliff, what would you say?
Ranma: King's Bishop to King's Pawn 4.
Akane: Nani?
Ranma: I'm sorry, thinking out loud. I don't have time to jump off any
cliffs right now.
Akane: [looks extremely confused] Um. Right. [hesitantly] So you want me
to cook dinner for you today?
Ranma: Yes, I'd like that very much.
Akane: Are you feeling okay, Ranma?
Ranma: I feel great.
Akane: [thinking] I suppose I shouldn't complain. [to Ranma] Okay. I'll be
back at four after my last class.
Ranma: [without looking up] Check.
Akane: Nani?
Ranma: [looks up] Right.
* * *
[It is 3:20 pm in the Shinohara building on campus. Tarasawa-kyouju checks
his list of advising appointments.]
Tarasawa-kyouju: Ahh, the Saotome boy. He's certainly going to need help.
I've never seen someone so underprepared in my life. How
he passed his exams, I'll never know.
[Time passes. Tarasawa-kyouju looks at the clock again. 3:25 pm. He goes
out in the hall.]
Student: Is it time for my appointment yet?
Tarasawa-kyouju: Have you seen Saotome-san anywhere around?
Student: Who?
Tarasawa-kyouju: Foolish boy. If he keeps this up, he'll never be able to
graduate.
* * *
[Akane and Ranma are eating dinner. Well, to be precise, Ranma is watching
chess tapes and eating and moving pieces on a chess board simultaneously,
while Akane eats.]
Akane: Why are you so obsessed with chess lately, Ranma?
Ranma: I have to win a chess game in thre days.
Akane: Why?
Ranma: I made a bet I don't intend to lose.
Akane: [thinking] I've never seen him this obsessed over anything that didn't
involve martial arts. If he studied this hard, he'd have straight A's.
Akane: How's dinner?
Ranma: Great.
[His eyes never leave the screen, except occassionally to glance at the
chessboard.]
Akane: [thinking] I wish I knew if he really meant that or he's just too
distracted to argue. [out loud] So who are you playing?
Ranma: Kunou. Martial Chess in a week.
Akane: Martial Chess? [thinking] I should've known it had Martial Arts in
it.
Ranma: Yeah, I gotta practice with some weapons later. Much later. I'll be
up late tonight.
Akane: Okay.
* * *
[Akane wakes up the next morning. Ranma is still sitting at the table. He is
surrounded by empty soda cans. He has lines under the shadows under the bags
under his eyes. He is watching a chess tape, moving pieces and trying to read
a chess book at the same time. The tape is on fast forward, and his hands
are moving pieces almost faster than the eye can see.]
Akane: Ranma! Did you stay up all night?
Ranma: Queen's Bishop's pawn to Queen Bishop's pawn six! That's it!
Akane: Answer my question!
Ranma: And then... checkmate in three moves! Yatta!
Akane: [worried tone] Ranma? Moshi Moshi?
Ranma: [frantically] Wait, which pawn is the start of a Shevanagan?
Akane: Ranma! Stop it!
[Ranma keeps babbling about chess, moving pieces, and trying to also read a
chess book.]
Akane: This is for your own good, Ranma.
[She hits him in the head with the table. He drops the book and his eyes
cross.]
Ranma: Checkmate.
[*THUNK*! Ranma falls over.]
Akane: I'd better call Kasumi and see if she has any idea what to do about
you. [gets on the phone and dials up Kasumi] Come on, answer the
phone!
[Kasumi picks up the phone.]
Kasumi: Moshi moshi.
Akane: Kasumi, I've got a big problem!
Kasumi: What's wrong?
Akane: Ranma is acting really strange.
Kasumi: How is he acting?
Akane: He seems completely obsessed with chess, and he can't sleep. He
stayed up all night drinking sodas, watching chess tapes and playing
chess against himself. He seemed really crazed in the morning.
Kasumi: Oh my. I suppose he must have an important game coming up.
Akane: He's playing against Kunou soon. Martial Chess. It sounds rather
weird. I had to hit him in the head to make him sleep. And he missed
all his classes yesterday.
Kasumi: Well, Ranma often gets rather obsessive when he is learning something
new. Don't you remember how he spent weeks trying to pull chestnuts
out of fires?
Akane: But it was never quite this bad. I think.
[Flashback of Ranma-chan laughing maniacally and trying to pull chestnuts
out of a fire in the backyard.]
Akane: Um, well, at least not lately. Do you think you could take a look at
him and see if you can figure out if he is sick or something when you
come to dinner here tonight?
Kasumi: Hai. And I'll see if Yuriko can think of anything. I think he's
just obsessing over some technique again.
Akane: I hope that's all.
* * *
[It is dinner time at Ranma and Akane's apartment. Akane is finishing off
cooking dinner, while Ranma is busy replaying his and Kunou's last game, trying
to figure out why he lost.]
Ranma: Ah-hah! He switched to a Pinocle on me...or was that a Pinochet?
Akane: Nani?
Ranma: There are a lot of standard openings, middle games and closings in
chess. They're all named after various people.
Akane: Seems like a lot of effort for just a game.
Ranma: This is not just a game! [ranting tone] This is a quest! A quest
for victory! I can't afford to lose.
Akane: Why?
Ranma: [blase tone] Oh, nothing. [thinking] No way I'm telling anyone about
that bet.
[Akane is about to speak when there is a knock at the door. She answers it,
and Kasumi and Yuriko enter.]
Kasumi: [smiling] Konbanwa, Akane-chan!
Akane: [waves with a pot in her hand] Konbanwa, Kasumi-oneechan, Murata-san.
Yuriko: I understand Ranma is having some health problems?
Akane: He's having trouble sleeping. I had to clobber him unconscious last
night to get him to sleep.
Ranma: [turns to Akane] You didn't HAVE to do that.
Yuriko: Well, Kasumi and I can take a look at him while you finish dinner.
[Kasumi and Yuriko go to work, checking Ranma's pulse, shining lights in his
eyes, taking his temperature, and generally giving him a quick physical health
check.]
Yuriko: Hmm. Looks like he's been hit in the head quite a bit over the years.
Kasumi: [looking at the thermometer] Hai. That's rather normal for him.
Ranma: Akane's been hitting me on the head since the day we met.
[Akane blushes.]
Yuriko: [muttering as she makes this note] "Subject has been conditioned by
spouse through use of head injuries since first contact." [louder]
Good physical health otherwise.
Kasumi: Hai.
Ranma: I work out a lot and practice martial arts, ya know.
Yuriko: [writes] "Subject obsessed with physical health." [louder]
Except for these old burn scars on the hands.
Kasumi: Hai.
Ranma: [puts one hand behind his head and looks nervous] I... uh...
Akane: He spent a lot of time practicing pulling things out of fires.
Yuriko: [writes] "Subject is obsessed with burning things." [louder] I can't
think of any physical reason why you wouldn't be getting enough sleep,
Saotome-san.
Kasumi: I think he's been trying to learn something difficult.
Ranma: Yeah, I've been trying to learn chess. I have a very important game
coming up.
Yuriko: [eyes light up] You want to learn to be a better chess player?
Ranma: [slightly nervous] Um... hai.
Yuriko: Excellent! I think I can help you. Come on over to our place
tomorrow and I'll get you started on my Chess Regimen.
Ranma: Chess Regimen?
Yuriko: It's my patented Chess learning technique system, utilizing
psuedo-Skinnerian and Pavlovian conditioning, combined with computer
chess programs, memory reinforcement tapes, and the use of hypnosis.
Ranma: Hai. Of course. [thinking] Huh?
* * *
[Yuriko's lab, the next day.]
Ranma: [holding up a disk] I got this program from Makiko... can I try it?
Yuriko: [scribbling in her notebook] Sure, try it... my computer's over there.
[Ranma walks to the computer.]
Ranma: Now what?
Yuriko: [looking up from her notebook] Turn on the computer.
Ranma: Where?
Yuriko: [looking up with a grimace] What, never used a computer before?
Kasumi: Let me show him.
[Kasumi turns on the computer and executes the game for him.]
Digitalized Voice: Welcome to Technochess 3000.
Ranma: I could've done that.
Kasumi: [smiling] Gomen nasai! I just thought you'd like a little help!
Ranma: That's okay... arigato.
Digitalized Voice: Shall we play a game?
Kasumi: [nodding] I'll be back with some tea.
[Ranma, already starting to play, nods. Yuriko comes up behind him and watches.
The computer beats Ranma in eight turns.]
Yuriko: [writes] "Subject has much room for improvement."
[Electronic laughter emits from the computer.]
Digitalized voice: Get away from my delicate circuits, you Neanderthal!
[Ranma growls...]
* * *
[A loud flatulent noise emits from the computer.]
* * *
Digitalized voice: BWAH HA HA HA HA! I thought you were a REAL opponent!
* * *
Digitalized voice: This is the BEST you could do? A three year old could do
better!
* * *
Ranma: ARGH!!!
Yuriko: Maybe you should try an easier level.
Ranma: There's an easier level?
Yuriko: Un... let me see...
[Yuriko fiddles with the controls.]
Yuriko: Oh my.
Ranma: Nani?
[Ranma looks at the screen. "Toddler-level" blinks back at him.]
Digitalized voice: Here, take my AI, please. You're in more need of...
Ranma: MOUKO TAKABISHA!!!!! [unleases ki energy at the computer monitor,
destroying it.]
Digitalized voice: ... it than I am!
Yuriko: [blinks] You only had to turn off the insults option. [sighs] At least
you didn't destroy my hard drive.
Ranma: MOUKO TAKABISHA!!!!!!
Yuriko: [scribbles in notebook] "Note: Keep away from all electronic equipment
in the future. Severe case of static electricity."
* * *
[Ranma is sitting at a table in front of a chess board and an electronic chess
game. Yuriko is busy setting both up in the same position.]
Yuriko: Pick the best move.
[Ranma makes a move. Yuriko checks the electronic chess game, which picks the
same move.]
Yuriko: Very good.
[She rings a bell, then gives Ranma a cookie. He eats it quickly.]
Yuriko: Now pick the best move for the other player.
[Ranma makes a move. The chess game picks a different one.]
Yuriko: Tsk, tsk.
[She whaps him in the head with a golf club. It bends in half.]
Ranma: Whaddya do that for?
Yuriko: Negative reinforcement. [makes note] "Subject has very hard head."
[This goes on for a long time. Every good move gets Ranma a cookie. Every bad
move gets him hit in the head, first with all of Yuriko's golf clubs, one by
one, then with whiffle bats, tree branches, bokkens, rocks, metal ingots, etc.
Finally, Ranma makes a correct move.]
Yuriko: [rings the bell.] Very good.
[Ranma starts to drool a bit. She tosses him a cookie.]
Yuriko: [makes this note] "Subject can be taught to salivate on the
ringing of a bell. Pavlov was right."
* * *
[Yuriko digs through a box of miscellaneous clothing.]
Ranma: What, gonna dress me up as a chess piece?
Yuriko: During this phase of the process, we utilize hypnotism.
[She pulls out a watch on a chain.]
Ranma: Going to see how long it takes to hypnotize me?
Yuriko: [waving the watch in front of Ranma.] Follow the watch with your
eyes. [droning] You are getting sleepy, very sleepy.
[Ranma follows the watch with his eyes.]
Yuriko: [droning] Sleepy. Sleepy. Very, very sleepy.
Ranma: [thinking] This is really boring. [blinks] Hey! The watch stopped.
[Time passes. Ranma suddenly realizes the watch just fell to the floor.
Looking around, he sees that Yuriko is gone.]
Yuriko: [from the floor] Sleepy...
Ranma: [sees Yuriko asleep on the floor] Is this part of the procedure?
* * *
[After Yuriko wakes up...]
Yuriko: Take this tape with you and listen to it on these headphones at night.
It will beam chess lessons directly to your subconscious as you sleep.
Ranma: I think I've heard of tapes like these. Sleep learning or something.
Yuriko: You've got it. Now go out there and check some mates!
Ranma: Right.
* * *
[Kasumi is doing homework. She changes the tape in the walkman connected to
her headphones.]
Tape: King's Rook to King's Rook 6. If Black responds with Queen's
Knight to Queen's Bishop 5, then respond with...
Kasumi: This isn't my TV Tunes tape.
* * *
[We see Ranma-chan and Akane asleep on the futon. Ranma-chan has headphones
on her head. She rolls over and they fall off between her and Akane.]
Tape: The Love Boat, soon will be making another run. On the Love boat...
* * *
[Akane wakes up, only to find herself lying alone in a nice large
comfortable bed.]
Akane: [blinks] Where am I? Where is Ranma? [looks around] This isn't my
apartment.
[She goes over to the closet. It is full of her clothing.]
Akane: This isn't the Dojo either.
[There is a faint tune playing in the background as she gets dressed.]
Akane: This is really weird.
[She steps out of the bedroom into the living room. Ranma is sitting on the
couch watching the news. The living room is a lot plusher and better furnished
than their apartment at Maison Sabaku. The background music is a little
louder. Akane can almost hear the words to go with it.]
Akane: Ranma...what's all this?
[She now realizes she hears cooking noises in the kitchen.]
Akane: [thinking] Who's cooking?
Ranma: We live here, Akane.
Akane: We do?
Ranma: We've been here for months.
Akane: We have?
Ranma: There is one big problem, but overall, the three of us are living
pretty well, I'd say.
Akane: Three... of us?
[Hitomi bounces out of the kitchen with three plates of breakfast.]
Hitomi: Hi, Akane! Hi, Ranma! [She bounces her head back and forth.]
It's breakfast time.
[Akane starts to swell up with anger. There is a knock at the door.]
Male Voice: Can I come in?
Ranma: It's the landlord!
[He splashes a bucket of water over himself. Instant girl.]
Ranma-chan: [sweet, girlish voice] Come in!
Akane: Uh, wha...
[Mr. Roper walks in.]
Roper: Hello girls, I thought I heard a man's voice in here...
[The background music swells to full level. A voice sings inanely.]
Voice: Three's Company too...!
Akane: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-
HHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Akane snaps awake, breathing hard. She glances around, sees only Ranma-chan
in the room, relaxes, and goes back to sleep.]
* * *
[We see Ranma and Akane at breakfast the next morning.]
Ranma: I feel like I've forgotten something.
Akane: I wish I had.
Ranma: Eh?
Akane: Just trying to forget a nightmare I had.
[She gets out the list of classes being offered and starts working on her
schedule.]
Ranma: Got your advising appointment today?
Akane: Hai. When's yours?
Ranma: It's... [thinks] Uh. ACK! It's two days ago! I missed it!
Akane: I think you're in trouble.
* * *
[We see Akane at her advisor's office. Her advisor, Amano-kyouju is a short
woman with long black hair in her mid-thirties, dressed in slacks and an
University Drama Club t-shirt.]
Amano-kyouju: I'd recommend you take the stage combat class Kurusawa-kyouju is
offering. It's a good class, and I think it would fit well
with your martial arts interest.
Akane: Okay, that sounds good. I'm also going to take this government class
so I can get my political science requirement out of the way. It's at
1 on Mondays. And History of Theatre I with you. Acting III with
Mizukama-kyouju, and uh...
Amano-kyouju: [leans back in her chair] And the last semester of your foreign
language requirement?
Akane: [sighing] I knew I was forgetting something. Hai.
Amano-kyouju: [signing the form] Very good. I understand you've gotten
married?
Akane: [blushing] Hai. We've been engaged for years.
Amano-kyouju: I'm sure he must be a fine individual if you married him.
Akane: Um, hai.
Amano-kyouju: Well, I have my next appointment with Tanaka-san soon. It's
been nice talking to you.
[Amano-kyoujou springs out of her chair and flings the door open. We see
Lardizabal slumped into the wall on the other side of the hallway.]
Amano-kyouju: [notices the cup in Lardy's hand] Ahh, I see you've been
figuring out what classes to take, Tanaka-san.
Akane: [looking at Amano-kyoujou] Eh?
Amano-kyouju: [dragging Lardizabal into the office] I see we're going to
have a nice long discussion. Ja ne, Tendo-san!
* * *
[We see Ranma outside Tarasawa-kyouju's office, reading the schedule of
available appointment times.]
Ranma: Ack! They're all full! [notices a note on the board for him.] Hey,
he left me a note! [rips the envelope open.] He signed a copy of the
registration form for me! And there's a note.
[Cut to note.]
Note: "While I should leave you to rot since you can't even make a simple
appointment, I decided to be merciful rather than just. I have given
you a list of suggested classes. I recommend you take them verbatim."
[Cut to Ranma's puzzled face.]
Ranma: Verbatim? What the heck does that mean? Well, I guess I'll take
his advice.
[He departs. Another student runs up and checks the board.]
Student: Ack! They're all full! [notices a note on the board for him.]
Hey, he left me a note! [rips the envelope open.] He signed
a copy of the registration form for me! And there's a note.
[Cut to note.]
Note: "While I should leave you to rot since you can't even make a simple
appointment, I decided to be merciful rather than just. I have given
you a list of suggested classes. I recommend you take them verbatim."
[Cut to student.]
Student: [reading the list of recommended classes] Japanese Government?
Freshman literature? Japanese History? These are all classes for
freshmen!
* * *
[We see Ranma leaving the registration center. Ukyou and Makiko come out
about a minute after him.]
Ukyou: Konnichiwa, Ranchan! Did you get the classes you wanted?
Ranma: Un. Even if I'm not sure why I'm taking some of them.
Ukyou: Eh?
Ranma: [scratching his head] Well, I tried to follow this list Dr. Tarasawa
left me.
Ukyou: [taking the list] Lemme see it.
Ranma: I dropped two classes off the list so I could take that Japanese
government class and Soccer. But I kept the first three.
Ukyou: [reading the list out loud] Phil. 305: The existential ramifications
of Neo-Hegelian crypto-Kantian non-materialistic dialectic.
Hist. 345: History of the History of Bulgarian Cabinet Making. Phil.
306: An absurdist analysis of post-revisionist
disestablishmentarianism.
Ranma: I dropped the fourth one, though. I didn't have the prerequisites.
That's the one I substituted the government class for.
Ukyou: Rel. 357: Advanced studies in Sufi thought in Late Abbassid Baghdad?
Ranma: Yeah. You have to have had the Basic studies class. And I couldn't
even spell the last one right to put it on my form.
Ukyou: Ger. 456: Guten Tag. What does that mean?
Makiko: I think it's Russian.
Ukyou: In the German department?
Ranma: Whatever it was, I thought soccer would be more fun.
Ukyou: These look like awfully advanced classes, Ranma.
Ranma: Well, that's what my advisor recommended.
Ukyou: [looks again] Hey, who's Ogura Jinpachi?
Ranma: Don't ask me.
Ukyou: This list has his name on top.
Ranma: [gets a big sweat drop] I think I'm in trouble.
* * *
[It is time for the great chess game. Ranma's last chance. Kunou has the
chess set set up on his arrival. Quite a crowd has gathered for this game.
All of Ranma's friends and acquaintances are there to cheer him on...or in the
case of Lardizabal jeer him on. Even Choji has come to see the game. Waiting
for the game to begin, Ranma notices something odd about the chess set.]
Ranma: Hey, those are people I know!
Kunou: I had it handcarved for this game. I thought it would be appropriate.
[The chess set: White Pawns: Various Kunou family servants. White Rooks:
Mousse and Ryouga. White Knights: Soun and Dr. Tofu. White Bishops:
Gosunkugi and Nabiki. White King: Kunou. White Queen: The pig-tailed girl
sitting on Akane's shoulders, both wearing crowns. Black King: Ranma.
Black Queen: Kodachi. Black Bishops: Kasumi and Lardizabal. Black Knights:
Kouchou and Genma. Black Rooks: Ukyou and Shampoo. Black pawns: Hiroshi,
Daisuke, Makiko, Junko, Shirow, and various other Furinkan High School and
Mizounikan students.]
Ranma: [big eyes] YOU HAVE AKANE AS YOUR QUEEN?
Kunou: And the pig-tailed goddess. I did not leave her out. She does not
dwindle in my esteem.
Akane: [grimacing, thinking] Kunou no baka.
Makiko: [amazed] That looks just like me!
Ranma: [ranting] AND YOU MADE KODACHI MY QUEEN?
Kunou: Why my sister is enamoured of you is beyond my comprehension or
control.
Ranma: Bah. And... Lardizabal as one of my bishops?
Lardizabal: NANI? [rushes over.] Hey, I've even got a sake bottle! Looks
good, I have to admit.
Yuriko: [writing] "Kunou has likely gained an early psychological advantage
through this manuever."
Ranma: Yeah, yeah, let's get started.
[Ranma plays cautiously at first, and so does Kunou.]
Ranma: This chess training was silly, but it seems to have worked. I really
am playing better. [taking Gosunkugi with Kasumi and smacking Kunou
in the gut with the bishop's staff] Gosunkugi always was a pushover.
Makiko: Who's Gosunkugi?
Ukyou: This creepy kid from high school. Kinda reminds me of Choji a little,
but scarier.
Choji: Must be a great guy if he's like me.
Ukyou: He occassionaly dressed up as Akane too.
Choji: [nervously] Then again...
Kunou: [taking Kasumi with a Kunou family servant] Escorting the lady off
the field.
Kasumi: [smiles] How generous of you. I never liked violence anyway.
[Kunou winds up and punches Ranma in the gut. It is clear he doesn't know much
about unarmed combat.]
Ranma: [chuckles] That was pathetic.
Kunou: We can discuss patheticness when you begin your week of service.
[Kunou begins methodically deploying pieces to attack the pawns in Ranma's
center, Makiko and Daisuke, finally bringing Akane/Pig-Tailed Goddess into
place for the attack.]
Ranma: [lost in thought] Hmm.
Makiko: [jumps up and down nervously] Eeek! I'm in danger!
[Several people stare.]
Makiko: Well, I am...
[Ranma moves Lardizabal to protect Makiko.]
Makiko: You saved me, Lard-kun!
Lardizabal: [slightly surprised] So I did! [chuckles]
[The game continues. Kunou takes Shampoo with Mousse.]
Mousse: Heh.
Shampoo: [glaring] That never happen in real life. Never.
[Kunou winds up like a baseball player and hurls a brick at Ranma's head.
Ranma falls over into Takahashi position #34 with his hands making the
warding-off demon signs.]
Ranma: [struggling to his feet, holding his head] Bad move, Kunou.
[He takes Mousse with Makiko.]
Mousse: That would never happen in real life either.
[Makiko cheers. Ukyou rolls her eyes.]
Akane: I guess that study program really paid off.
[Yuriko smiles.]
Ranma: [unleashing a flurry of punches on Kunou] TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!
[Kunou staggers, but does not fall.]
Makiko: Wow! He's tough.
Ukyou: This used to happen to him every day for two years. Don't be too
surprised if Kunou takes quite a beating and keeps going.
[The game continues. Soon, the endgame approaches. Ranma looks determined,
while Kunou seems not to be trying too hard.]
Ranma: I have you now.
Kunou: I fail to quiver in fear at your bragadoccio, Saotome.
Ranma: Let's see...
[Ranma thinks. Suddenly, his mind goes blank. A voice begins to sing.]
Voice: [inside Ranma's head] The Love Boat soon will be making another run.
On the Love Boat, something is offered for everyone. Set your course
for adventure, your mind on a new romance. And love... exciting and
new....
Ranma: Chikuso.
[Ranma can't think at all. The song just won't get out of his head.]
Kunou: What's the matter, cat got your tongue?
[Ranma looks around frantically.]
Ranma: C-cat?
Akane: [irritated] There are NO cats here, Ranma.
Shampoo: Ranma want Shampoo get cat?
Akane and Ranma: [in unison] No!
Kunou: Your move, Saotome.
[Ranma stares at the board.]
Kunou: Your time is running out.
[Ranma can't get the song out of his head.]
Kunou: You have thirty seconds. Twenty-nine... Twenty-eight...
[Ranma finally reaches desperately for a piece, any piece. He grabs his
king, but...]
Kunou: And Zero. Out of time.
Ranma: NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kunou: You lose again, Saotome.
Ranma: That's not fair!
Ukyou: Since when was there a time limit?
Ranma: [smacks his own head] That's right! There's no time limit!
Kunou: [shrugs] Had to try.
Ranma: [stares at the board] What to move...
Kunou: Touch a piece and you have to move it.
Ranma: Nani?
Makiko: It _is_ in the rules, Ranma.
Ranma: [moving his king out onto the second row] Bah.
[The game continues. Ranma unleashes a flurry of pawn attacks, hoping to
knock Kunou out. He begins slaughtering Kunou's pawns. ]
Ranma: [unleashing a flurry of punches on Kunou] TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!
* * *
[Ranma takes a servant with Makiko and kicks Kunou in the head.]
* * *
[Ranma takes a servant with Hiroshi and kicks Kunou in the gut.]
* * *
[Ranma takes a servant with Yuka and punts Kunou into a tree.]
Kunou: [sitting in the tree] My Beloveds to Beloved 5. Check.
[Ranma stares at the board. The Akane/Pig-tailed Goddess piece has him in
check since he moved out onto the second row earlier. He could take it with
Lardizabal.]
Lardizabal: [smiling] Looks like I get Akane.
Ranma: You'll never...oh, you mean the piece. [looks over at Akane, then
back at the board, then back at Akane. She stares at him, obviously
confused.] Hmm.
Kunou: [still in the tree] Waiting for your ship to come in, Saotome?
Ranma: [thinking] Taking Akane with Lardy. Bleah. [moves Lardizabal to
take Akane/Pig-Tailed Goddess.] Kiss your queen goodbye, Kunou.
Kunou: [from the tree] Though it pains me that I could not defend her, I...
Ranma: [knocking Kunou out of the tree into the fountain with the Bishop's
staff] Not as much as this is gonna pain you.
[Kunou flies into the fountain, and floats face down.]
Ranma: [putting one hand behind his head and smiling] I win! [laughs
maniacally]
[Kunou sits up in the fountain before Ranma finishes gloating.]
Kunou: The rumors of my unconsciousness are greatly exaggerated.
Makiko: He's tough.
Ukyou: He's made of stone. His head anyway.
[Kunou moves Ryouga. Ranma takes a servant with his king.]
Ranma: I'm really going to enjoy this one.
Makiko: I can't believe Kunou can take so much punishment without even
flinching!
Ukyou: You don't know him like we do. This is nothing compared to the way
Ranma usually pounds on him.
[Ranma leaps into the air and comes down on Kunou's head with a massive
overhead swing. Kunou falls to the ground.]
Ranma: I win! As usual.
Kunou: [getting back up] I see you learned your swordsmanship from watching
ninja movies. What a lack of style.
Ranma: Like you could have done better.
Kunou: I don't have to.
[Kunou moves Ryouga. Ranma moves Kodachi to prepare to try and checkmate
Kunou. Kunou advances a pawn to promote into another Akane/Pig-Tailed
Goddess.]
Ranma: Uh-oh.
Kunou: Checkmate in two.
Ranma: Nani?
Kunou: Say goodnight, Saotome.
[Ranma tries to think, but the tune to Green Acres starts to flood his mind.
He gives up and takes Nabiki with Kouchou.]
Makiko: Who's that, Ukyou?
Ukyou: You really, really don't want to know.
Ranma: [pulls out the little spraycan of mace] Come over here, Kunou. This
doesn't have a lot of range.
Kunou: That's not a mace and chain.
Ranma: It isn't?
Kunou: But I suppose it will have to do.
[Ranma gets ready to spray Kunou.]
Kunou: You hit people with a mace and chain, Ranma. Not spray them.
[thinking] What is this odd thing he has, anyway?
Ranma: But the guy in the store said... I mean, he sprayed me and...
Kunou: Let me demonstrate.
[He pulls out a mace and chain, whirls it around, and hits Ranma in the head
with it, sending him crashing into a trashcan.]
Ranma: [getting up] I don't think this one works this way.
Kunou: Spraycans are not part of martial chess. Hit me with it or forfeit.
Ranma: [sighs and whaps Kunou with the spraycan] Stupid salesman.
Kunou: Now that we finished that charade. [moves his new queen] Checkmate.
Ranma: [stammering] I... you... but...
Kunou: How would you like to begin your humiliation, Saotome?
Ranma: But I knocked you down! You hardly got any blows on me at all!
Kunou: It's not how you play the game, but whether you win or you lose it,
Saotome.
Ranma: Great. Just great. Go ahead and gloat.
Kunou: So I shall, but first I must congratulate my trainer.
Ranma: Trainer?
Kunou: [to Yuriko, bowing] Thank you, sensei. Your training program vastly
increased my chess skills.
Ranma: [in shock] You... trained... [points to Kunou] HIM!?
Yuriko: [nodding head and beaming] It made for a wonderful experiment! I
needed to see how well it worked in people of varying levels of
intelligence and previous experience. Apparently, it really does
help if you have plenty of unused space in your brain.
Kunou: Plenty of unused space in your brain?
Yuriko: I'm so glad you two had this competition! Now I can iron out the
mistakes for the next subject. Too bad about your bet though, Ranma.
I guess you just weren't as suited for this as Kunou.
Akane: [turning red in the face] You. Did. All. That. To. Ranma.
[clenches her fists] AS A TEST? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'VE BEEN
THROUGH IN THE LAST WEEK?
Yuriko: [nods] It came off pretty well, I think.
Akane: [closing in on Yuriko] I think I have a few tests for you, Yuriko.
Yuriko: [backing up nervously] Um, well, thanks for participating. Hope to
see you soon! Enjoy your service to Kunou.
Akane: [whipping out the mallet] I just need to do some... uh...
Makiko: Impact testing?
Akane: Yeah, impact testing.
Yuriko: [takes off running] I don't think this counts as controlled
scientific conditions!
Akane: [swinging mallet] I'll show you controlled scientific conditions!
[They sprint off into the distance.]
Makiko: Science can be a dangerous business at times.
Kunou: [to Ranma] Your first task shall be to reveal where you have hidden
my pig-tailed goddess from me, Saotome.
Ranma: [thinking] This is going to be a LONG week.
Kunou: [hands Ranma a sign] And your second task is to put this on.
[The sign reads, "I'm a pathetic loser."]
Ranma: [thinking] Really, really long week!
* * *
[Ranma and Akane's apartment. Akane, Ukyou, and Makiko are having a
conference there.]
Akane: [impatiently checking her watch] He still isn't home!
Ukyou: The last I heard, Kunou was saying something about Ranma sorting
his bokken collection.
Makiko: Did this sort of thing happen a lot back in your home town?
Akane: Yeah, but Ranma usually fought his way out of this sort of thing.
Ukyou: [sighs] He just can't say no to a challenge.
Makiko: Doesn't that mean he got beat up a lot?
Akane: [flatly] Ranma doesn't lose.
Ukyou: And if he does, he figures out why and gets even.
Makiko: So he's probably gonna just try and get even with Kunou, huh?
Akane: [rolls her eyes] And Kunou'll get even with Ranma...and eventually
we'll all be caning each other in the old age home.
[The door opens. Ranma staggers in, looking exhausted, still wearing the
sign.]
Ranma: [breathing hard] How...could anyone...have...so...many...bokkens.
[He falls down. *THUNK!*]
Akane: [coldly] Just imagine what it's going to be like tomorrow. And
the next day. And the next.
Ranma: [looks up] There is no tomorrow. This is all just a bad dream.
Yeah, that's it.
Ukyou: No dream, no escape. You're Kunou's slave for six more days.
Ranma: [makes feeble warding gestures] No, no, no.
Makiko: [looking Ranma up and down] This assumes he lives six more days.
Akane: You know this is all your own fault.
Ranma: [weakly] Is not. Kunou cheated.
Akane: Like what?
Ranma: He won.
Ukyou: Since when was winning cheating?
Ranma: [sits up] No way he could beat me if he didn't cheat.
Ukyou: [harshly] Ranma, just because he beat you doesn't mean he cheated.
Ranma: [blinks] Jeez, whatcha getting so angry for, Ucchan?
Ukyou: [a bit louder] Don't you ever learn anything? You can't win
them all! You have to accept that, because sooner or later, you
do lose. [her voice trails off] And then it really hurts...
Ranma: The best person always wins. Always, unless the other person cheats.
Ukyou: [faintly] I used to think that too. That if I just did my best,
I couldn't lose. [barely spoken aloud while staring at the table]
That two of them were cheaters, and the other...wasn't really
competing.
Ranma: Eh, can you talk louder? I can't hear you, Ucchan. [pauses] What
the heck are you talking about anyway?
Akane: [thinking] What is she...[pales, thinking] She's talking about...
Ukyou: [eyes flash, loudly] This loud enough for you? Whaddya think
I'm TALKING ABOUT?
Ranma: Uh, er...[backing up as Ukyou angrily advances on him] A poker
game? Uh...[looks around and sees he's being backed into a corner]
That business with Nabiki and you and Akane and that bet...uh,
no that doesn't even make sense to me...err...[trapped in the
corner] Uh...
Makiko: [to Akane] I'm confused.
Akane: [to Makiko] Sometimes my husband is even stupider than Kunou.
Ukyou: [voice of doom] RANMA... [raises her right arm] NO....
[reaching behind her back, she fails to find the spatula she's
instinctively expecting to find there] Grrr.
Ranma: Uh, I'm sorry, Ucchan. I didn't mean to make you angry.
Although I still...[mental flash image of past times being
battered by Ukyou, Akane, Shampoo, Kodachi over various events
related to marital pursuits] You mean...oh...You're talking about...
Ukyou: [loses her rage, starts to cry] Yes, you baka!
[Akane frowns, then closes her eyes for a moment and starts to drag
Makiko out of the room.]
Makiko: Hey, where are we going?
Akane: Out. Before someone does something foolish.
Makiko: [as she's dragged out the door] But I'm not gonna do anything
foolish!
Akane: [irritated] Who said I was talking about you? [thought] I will
not listen at the door. I will not hit Ranma in the head. I will
not listen at the door...
Ranma: [watching Ukyou cry] I just...I'm not used to losing. I didn't
even think about how you...
Ukyou: [crying] That's the problem, you don't think before you speak.
You don't think before you accept a challenge. And you...you never
know how to back down.
Ranma: [nervously, moves a little closer to Ukyou] I...I never
wanted to be a coward like Pop is. He runs away from everything.
I...[softly] I couldn't stand to have anyone think I'm a coward.
Ukyou: [softly, shuddering a bit] I know you're not a coward, Ranma.
But you're not God either. You're not perfect.
Ranma: [softly] I just want to be the best. So people can be proud of
me. So A...I can be proud of me. It hurts to lose.
Ukyou: [still crying, but not as much] I threw three years of my life
down a hole because I couldn't tell I'd lost before I even begun.
That's losing in a big way.
Ranma: [faintly] It..wasn't a complete loss, was it?
Ukyou: [faintly] We all wasted so much time. Time that will never come
back. So many chances that will never come again. [starts crying
harder]
Ranma: [hesitantly puts a hand on her shoulder] I'm sorry, Ucchan. I
just wish...
Ukyou: [collapses forward and buries her face in his chest, still
crying] It's over. I have to deal with it.
Ranma: [hesitantly puts an arm around her] You're right. It is hard to
deal with. I don't know how to lose...I mean, how to ..uh...
Ukyou: [smiles faintly through the tears] I understand. But you're
going to have to deal with it. Just like me.
Ranma: [faintly] I don't want to have to deal with it.
Ukyou: [faintly] Neither did I.
Ranma: [faintly] I've missed all my classes for a week, I missed my
advising appointment, my advisor sent me to my doom at registration,
and I don't even know how to get my schedule changed. [pauses]
And tomorrow I have to wash all of Kunou's kendo outfits.
Ukyou: [quietly, no longer crying] I can help you, Ranma. [a little
louder, looking up at him] You're on your own with the kendo
outfits, though.
Ranma: [smiles] If I can't defeat a few Kendo outfits, I'm really out
of luck. [looking at Ukyou] I...uh...hope I can help you.
Ukyou: [smiles] I'll teach you all about Martial Accepting Defeat.
Ranma: [laughs] That would be really weird.
Ukyou: [finally steps out of Ranma's arms] Come on, we've got to find
Akane and Makiko.
Ranma: [animatedly, as he follows her to the door] I mean, just think
about it. You wouldn't be able to win, except by accepting defeat.
But if you accept defeat, you've lost. So neither person can
win. But if they can't win, they can accept their defeat, so
they win. But...
[Ukyou laughs as they go out the door.]
Ranma: [closing the door] This is making my brain hurt.
===============================================================================
finis.
===============================================================================
Credits :
Writers..............: David Tai
Paul Gallegos
John Walter Biles
Story Artists........: Anastasia Moreno
Kimberly Cambridge
Story Advisors.......: Walter George Baety, IV
T.J. Griesenbrock
Jon Hayashi
Jim Miller
Special Thanks to....: Robert DeLoura
Tanya Mundy
J.
The Tucson Animation Screening Society (TASS)
And of course Rumiko Takahashi
===============================================================================
On a warm summer's eve
Looking at the sky
There was you and me Could this be love
Watching clouds roll by When we're together it seems like forever
Could this be love
I wonder if you knew I need to know 'cus it's now or never
What I'm thinking of Could this be love
And if you thought too
Could this be love
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| Copyright (c) 1995 Digital Knight Communications |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
| "Ranma 1/2" and its characters Copyright (c) 1995 |
| Viz Communications, Inc., Shogakukan, Kitty Animation |
| and Rumiko Takahashi |
+---------------------------------------------------------------+
===============================================================================