Ranma 1/2: (Mis)adventures of a Foreign Exchange Student (Part 5)
U59...@uicvm.uic.edu
thought Pat was weird, wait'll you see his older sister, who comes in later.
Also, I'm making a reference to Karl Rim's "Kasumi's Story" with a +. If you
haven't read it yet, check out Megazone's ftp site (plug) at wpi.wpi.edu.
[two days later, before breakfast, Pat is writing on his laptop.]
Pat: [voice over] Dear brother (geez, that sounds so generic). Sorry I
haven't been writing lately. My "foster little sister" accidentally caught
that nasty little bug I had some time ago, so I've been keeping an eye on
her. She seems pretty well recovered, and she's working out in the dojo as I
type this out. The funny thing is, Ranma's also been worried about her,
although he'll never admit it. Anyways, I've been getting her homework, let-
ting her in on the latest "gossip," etc. You know, it's unusual but, with
girls talking to other girls, it's called "gossip." With men talking to other
men, it's called "exchanging vital statistics and information." Go figure.
If you notice, I'm writing shortly before breakfast, Japan time. I'm going to
have a workout with Akane, and if I'm right, I probably won't be in any shape
to write later. By the way, I found something very interesting in my suit-
case. Tell our dear sister that I blushed incessantly after finding those
pseudo-nudie magazines, she'll get a real kick out of that. Fortunately,
Ranma leaves my stuff alone, otherwise I'd be branded a pervert. Gotta go.
Pat.
[he presses a button to send the message. After the words "MESSAGE SENT"
appear on the screen, he turns the laptop off. Pat heads towards the dojo
where Akane is already working out. She's just finished a series of kicks.]
Pat: Hi. Mind if I join you?
Akane: Sure. [takes a stance]
Pat: [also getting into position] Y'know, if you don't mind me being a mother
hen, you really shouldn't be working out so hard after being so sick. I mean,
when I was recovering, I felt a little weak in the knees.
Akane: Don't worry about me. I feel fine. [throws a few punches, which Pat
blocks.]
Pat: Hmm. Your timing was a little bit off on those punches. I'd hold off a
bit on cutting loose. I think it's my turn.
Akane: Go ahead.
Pat: Could you kind of stand back about three feet?
Akane: Hmm? How come?
Pat: Trust me. Oh, and feel free to block if you think I'm kicking too close.
Akane: All right. [she moves back. Pat goes into a very complicated routine
using a few moves. Akane is impressed by the fact that, although Pat apparent-
ly doesn't use a variety of moves, he does use what he has very effectively.
There's also the fact that Pat's kicks and punches stop short of Akane by a
very small margin. In spite of this, she doesn't block. He finishes up.]
Pat: Well, what do you think?
Ranma: [from behind] Not bad. Not bad at all.
Pat: [turns around] Didn't your dad ever tell you not to sneak up behind
people?
Ranma: No, he didn't. In fact, some of my best moves are sneaky.
Pat: [somewhat disgusted] Figures. [lightens up] Well, what's up?
Ranma: Kasumi told me to tell you two that breakfast is ready.
[the three of them head inside the house]
Pat: You know what? I think that Kasumi probably needs a day off or some-
thing. I mean, look at what she does. She takes care of the house, makes the
meals, does the laundry, and probably, although I'm not sure, keeps everyone
from going crazy. What do you think?
Ranma: I never really thought about it much until a while back.
Akane: Neither did I.
Pat: [concerned] Really? What happened?
Akane: Oneechan got injured and we learned to appreciate what she does around
here.+
Pat: [thinking that Kasumi ended up in the hospital] Uh huh.
[the threesome discuss it over breakfast. Soun is somewhat reluctant to say
the least.]
Pat: So, what do you think?
Kasumi: I don't know. I'm really pretty busy for a night off.
Pat: That's why it's called a "night off."
Soun: Well, not to sound selfish but, who's going to cook dinner?
Akane: I'll fix dinner. It's no trouble at all.
Ranma: It is if you're the one eating it.
Akane: Are you saying that I'm a bad cook?!
Ranma: Let me put it this way. Good cooks don't use ammonia when preparing
fish.
[they begin to argue again. Pat exaggerates clearing his throat.]
Pat: AHEM! Actually, I was thinking of cooking dinner.
Everyone: YOU WHAT?!
Ranma: You never told me you could cook!
Pat: To use an old cliche, you never asked.
Panda: [sign] So, exactly how good are you?
Pat: Just ask Akane.
Akane: [embarassed] Umm...He made some pretty good Chinese food for me when
I was sick.
Ranma: [sarcastically] You cook, you do martial arts, you're a good listener
...is there anything you don't do?
Pat: [leaning over and smirking] I don't do windows, blackmail people, kill
or maim, or a bad Sean Connery imitation.
Ranma: ....
[cut to later, in the kitchen. Kasumi is preparing to leave for her much-
deserved night off.]
Kasumi: ...So, if you need me, I'll be right here. [hands a phone number and
address to Pat.]
Pat: Don't worry about us, we'll be fine. Besides, it's only for a night.
Akane: Besides, you do look like you need the rest, oneechan.
Kasumi: Well, I'm off. [leaves]
Akane: Have fun! [waves]
Pat: So, let's get started, shall we?
Akane: "Let's?" Do you mean I can help you in the kitchen?
Pat: Of course. I can't do everything by myself, now can I?
[They both start getting various utensils, etc. Akane puts on an apron and
offers an especially cute ruffled one to Pat.]
Pat: [slightly embarrassed] Um, no thanks. Do you happen to have anything a
little less...frilly?
Akane: Pat, you're actually blushing!
Pat: Ah, it's no big deal. I'll work without one.
[They both begin cooking. Just when the two of them were about to start on a
cake, Ranma bursts in chasing P-chan, again.]
Ranma: Come back here you pig! [slides to a stop just in front of Pat, nearly
colliding with him.] Whoops!
Pat: Whoa! [measures the distance between the two of them] Cutting it a bit
close now, are we?
Akane: [hugging P-chan in her usual way] Ranma, were you chasing him again?
Can't you just leave him alone for once?
Pat: Ranma, I've got a little job for you.
Ranma: [somewhat irritated] What?
Pat: I just want you to keep an eye on P-chan for today.
Akane: Are you sure that's a good idea?
Pat: Trust me. Now, could you hang onto this pan while I hold onto P-chan?
[they exchange what they're holding onto] Thanks. Now, Ranma, I want your
word that you will in no way irritate, aggravate, or otherwise antagonize P-
chan for the rest of the day. All I want you to do is keep an eye on him. And
that goes for the same for you [looks at P-chan]. Got it?
Ranma: [mumbling] Right. [They both stand on the sidelines watching Akane
and Pat cook. They both give each other dirty looks, but nothing overly
antagonistic]
Pat: Akane, would you mind checking up on that pot of soup?
Akane: Sure. [opens the pot and takes a look] Looks like it's boiling right
now.
Pat: Okay, then turn down the heat. In the meantime, while you're at it,
would you mind starting up on the cake?
Akane: I've got it. [starts cracking the eggs]
Ranma: Akane is cooking?! ARE YOU NUTS? [starts turning green] Unnh,
suddenly, I don't feel so well. [starts to leave. P-chan has also started
getting nauseous at the thought of eating Akane's cooking. The former looks
surprisingly green around the gills for black piglet.]
Pat: Oh, come on, it can't be that bad.
Ranma: YES IT IS! [whispers] She's practically found several ways to burn
water.
Pat: [crossing his arms] Ranma, I may be a bit of an optimist, but absolutely
*nobody* can be that ba--YIKE! [turns his head to see Akane cracking a 1 to 1
ratio of shells to yolk in the bowl. He zips over to Akane.] Um, Akane?
Akane: Yes?
Pat: [thinking] Geez, she's on the verge of committing a culinary
catastrophe. [diplomatically] I don't think we'll need the eggshells in the
cake.
Akane: You want me to take the shells out of the bowl?
Pat: [trying to be nice] Oh no, that's all right. I'll take care of it.
[starts separating the shells] Ranma, could you please hand me some flour
from over there?
Ranma: Why me?
Pat: Because you're the one closest to it.
[Ranma sighs, and gets the flour container. However, P-chan has seen fit to
pass out (rather conveniently) right in front of Ranma. The latter trips on
the former and spills the entire container. The kitchen is soon obscured with
flour.]
Pat: [coughs] Ranma, I only wanted about two cups worth.
Ranma: Hey, how was I supposed to know? Besides, it wasn't my fault. I
tripped on something...or someone. [eyes P-chan] You little--! [starts
chasing him until Pat clears his throat]
Pat: AHEM! Ranma, I seem to recall that you promised you wouldn't...
Ranma: [grumbling] All right, all right.
[Pat manages to ventilate the kitchen, and some visibility is restored. Every-
one is, amazingly, only dusted with flour. He realizes something and dashes
over to the pot.]
Pat: [thinking] Please let the soup be okay! [waits until the dust settles
and lifts the cover.] Phew! It's all right.
Akane: What now?
Pat: Did Kasumi have any more flour?
Akane: No, that was all we had.
Pat: [to himself] Great. [to Ranma and Akane] Well, I'll get some more
flour from the store. In the meantime, let's try to get this place cleaned up.
[They start to sweep up the kitchen. A half hour later, they're finally done.]
Pat: [putting away broom and dustpan] Finally! Now, I'm off.
Ranma: Really? I knew from the day you arrived that you were a little off.
Pat: [sour faced] Cute, Ranma, really cute. I meant I'm off to the store to
get some more flour.
Akane: What about supper? You were the one with all the recipes.
Pat: Good point. [takes out several pieces of paper] Here you go.
Ranma: [looks at the recipes and frowns] Pat?
Pat: [sighs] What's wrong?
Ranma: These recipes are in Chinese.
Pat: All right, all right, I'll translate it for you. [starts scribbling
something down on another piece of paper] Here you go. [about to leave the
kitchen]
Akane: [tries to read the recipes, then puts the paper down] Pat?
Pat: [stops and sighs] What's wrong now?
Akane: You translated them into English.
Pat: Well, what's wrong with that? [Ranma and Akane start blushing and back-
ing off] Let me guess, you two aren't doing so hot in English class, huh?
[They both start fidgeting and clearing their throats.] That figures. All
right, I'll leave my translator here. Just type in the words and it'll give
you the Japanese equivalent. Is that it?
Ranma: Yeah, that should be it. [turns the translator on, then lifts an eye-
brow.] Pat?
Pat: [who has one foot out of the door and is almost exasperated] What?!
Ranma: Why do you have a password on this thing?
Pat: [walks over to Ranma] Here. [takes the translator from Ranma and
presses a few buttons] There you go. The security function's been disabled.
Ranma, can I talk to you about something?
Ranma: Sure. [they both walk outside]
Pat: Listen, all I want you to do is to make sure that Akane follows the
instructions EXACTLY as they're printed. Also, make sure that she gets the
correct ingredients, all right?
Ranma: You're asking *me* to help *her* in the kitchen?
Pat: I'm counting on you. Oh, and one more thing. PLEASE don't antagonize
her. Just help her out. [leaves]
Ranma: [sarcastic] This is going to be just peachy. [re-enters the kitchen.]
[twenty minutes later, Pat returns with the flour. He enters the house to
find the kitchen deserted. He puts down the flour and looks around.]
Pat: Hey, where did everybody go? [hears someone running around in the family
room and goes to investigate.]
Ranma: KAWAIKUNE!
Akane: RANMA NO BAKA!
Pat: [peeks his head out] What's going on around here?
[Akane is chasing Ranma around with a wooden mallet around the room.
Ranma dashes past Pat and dodges a swing from Akane. Pat, however, isn't so
lucky and takes the full blow on his head.]
Pat: Ouch. [falls face first on the floor, unconscious.]
[Ranma and Akane both freeze dead in their tracks. While Ranma is shocked,
Akane goes pale at what just occurred.]
Akane: What have I done? [rushes over to Pat.]
Ranma: Great, it wasn't enough for you to try to knock me silly, now you just
clobbered your "big brother!"
Akane: Ranma, SHUT UP! Help me get him to the couch.
[They both drag Pat onto the couch and wait for him to wake up. Five minutes
later, he does.]
Pat: Uunnhh...what hit me?
Ranma: Offhand, I'd say a musclebound girl's wooden mallet. [Akane slaps
him.]
[Pat's eyes drill into Akane's. She begins to fidget.]
Pat: [slowly] You did this...to me? [does a Marlon Brando imitation] What
have I done to deserve a hammer on the noggin?
Akane: It was an accident!
Pat: [continuing the M.B. imitation] I try to treat you nice because you're
like the little sister I never had. Now, you stab me in the back and say it
was an accident.
Akane: I'm sorry! I don't know what else to say! [hugs him] Please forgive
me.
Pat: [back to his regular voice] Sawright.
Akane: Hmm? [lets go of Pat]
Pat: [has a BIG grin on his face] Gotcha.
Akane: [starts getting flustered] Why you, you...
Pat: [cockily] Y'know, you look so cute when you're flustered.
Akane: But I---
Pat: [still grinning] You thought that I was going to hold a grudge? Come
on! It takes more than that, kiddo!
Ranma: [muttering] Well, you've got a lot more patience than I do.
Pat: Aw, geez. Well, I half expected to be clobbered sooner or later, what
with all that's going on here. [smiles] I'm just surprised that Akane
actually took a swipe at me. By the way, what was that you called Akane?
Ranma: [sees that Akane is ready to pound him] Um, I really don't want to
repeat it now.
Pat: Well, then, could I have my translator back, please? [Ranma hands it
back to Pat. We see that it's noticably more worn than last time, including a
few scratches and nicks.] Ranma, have you been using this other than as what
it was supposed to be?
Ranma: [fidgeting] Well, there were a few close calls...
Pat: [sighs and turns on the translator. He keys in the word that Ranma
called Akane. He reads to himself the meaning.] Literal meaning: uncute.
WARNING! Never call a girl this unless (1) you have a death wish and want a
sure-fire way to commit suicide or (2) you are mentally incapacitated due to
drugs, alcohol, etc. [to Ranma] You don't happen to have a death wish or
something, do you?
Ranma: Not that I know of.
Pat: Well, then, are you mentally incapacitated in any way?
Akane: Do you have a couple of hours? [Ranma glares at her. She just grins.]
Pat: Do you want Akane to stop chasing you around?
Ranma: Well, I...
Pat: THEN DON'T CALL HER UNCUTE!
Ranma: Okay, okay. Geez, what a nutcase.
Pat: [ignores that last remark] Sorry about that, but it's just that I'm
tired of this never-ending cycle.
Akane: What cycle?
Pat: [takes a deep breath and calms down] Never mind.
Akane: No, really. What cycle?
Pat: I'll tell you later. In the meantime, exactly how much cooking did you
two accomplish before either of you went on the rampage?
Ranma: Well, we finished just about everything except for the cake. The next
thing you know, she gets mad at me for trying to be nice to her!
Akane: That's not true! He was just complaining about how you made him
promise not to bug me. He was also grumbling something about helping out such
a horrible cook. Then, I slugged him.
[They both notice then that Pat isn't around to hear their comments. They
find him in the kitchen, testing the food they were both cooking.]
Ranma: Hey, why'd you run off like that?
Pat: [looking up from a pot] I wanted to preserve my sanity. Y'know, this
is actually pretty good.
Akane: [slightly miffed] What, you were expecting otherwise?
[Ranma is mouthing out to Pat, "Don't take her up on that question." She
glares at Ranma, only to see him whistling.]
Pat: I didn't know what to expect. Come on, let's finish this stuff up.
[cut to later, at dinnertime. Everyone is somewhat cautious, not knowing what
to expect. Dinner is served, and only Akane and Pat are eating it.]
Pat: C'mon, eat up. There's more where this came from.
[The panda and Soun reluctantly try some fish. They both taste a piece, look
surprised, and then start devouring it. Everyone else joins in.]
Pat: Oh, by the way, Akane was a big help in making dinner.
[Everybody except Pat, Ranma, and Akane stop eating and instinctively start
choking on their food. Several Heimlich maneuvers later, order (or what
passes for order around here) is restored.]
Nabiki: [coughs] What are you trying to do, poison us?
Pat: Hey, you were eating pretty heartily until I mentioned that your sister
cooked it.
Soun: [crying] Can it be? Has my youngest actually learned how to cook?
Akane: Well, it was really Pat's reci--
Soun: It doesn't matter. It just means that you can finally take care of
yourself and Ranma when you get married.
Ranma: Uh-oh. [leans over to Pat and whispers to him] Hey, I don't suppose
you have any more recipes, do you?
Pat: [whispers back] It doesn't really matter what she cooks. It's kind of
funny, though.
Ranma: What?
Pat: After all that time you spent ridiculing Akane's cooking, she produced
some of her best stuff when you were helping her.
Ranma:.....