Ranma 1/2: (Mis)adventures of a Foreign-Exchange Student (Pt 7)
Pearson Mui
coincidentally enough, is named Betty.). Yes, she really can be this
obnoxious, as you'll see.
This is the last segment until August 23 (even I need a break now and then).
After this fanfic is finished (yes, it *will* be finished :-) ), I'm thinking
about a BGC fanfic. What do you think?
[That night, after dinner, the phone rings and Kasumi gets it.]
Kasumi: Hello? You're looking for Pat? May I ask who's calling? I see.
Would you hold on for a moment, please? [calls out] Pat!
Pat: [runs down the stairs] Yes?
Kasumi: There's someone on the phone who wants to talk to you.
Pat: [thinking] Who could know I'm here? [to Kasumi] Who is it?
Kasumi: It's someone named Beth. She says she's your sister.
Pat: [ashen] Did you say Beth, my sister?
Kasumi: That's right. Is something wrong?
Pat: [clears his throat, but he's still flustered] Uh, well, I'll explain it
later. [thinking] "Into the jaws of death rode the three hundred." [aloud]
H-hello?
Beth: Pat, hi! Guess who it is?
Pat: [downhearted] Beth.
Beth: [slightly sarcastic] Oh, don't get all excited, little brother.
Anyways, I had some vacation time coming and I decided to check out how
you were doing. And, I also have a little "care package" from Phil to deliver
to you.
Pat: Why didn't you just mail it over?
Beth: What, with the postal service so messed up? I'd rather deliver it in
person and keep an eye on you. [snickers]
Pat: Beth! I'm sixteen! I don't need to be kept an eye on!
Beth: Oh, this from a guy who blushes whenever he sees the slightest bit
of female-
Pat: BETH! [turns bright red. Ranma and Akane look over at Pat as if to
say, "What's with him?"]
Beth: Well, I'm staying at a nearby hotel. I'll meet you at your school
tomorrow. Pleasant dreams. [chuckles]
Pat: [hangs up the phone, shuddering] KYAAAAA! [regains his composure
(somewhat)] Ahem.
Ranma: What was that all about?
Pat: [very embarassed] My older sister's in town. [thinking] God have
mercy on me.
Akane: Your sister? You never mentioned that you had an older sister.
Pat: Believe me, Akane, if you had an older sister like Beth, you'd never
mention her to anyone!
Akane: Why, what's wrong with her?
Pat: [represses another shudder] She embarasses me. She simply delights in
embarassing me. She practically lives to make me blush like there's no
tomorrow.
Akane: Oh, come on. She can't be that bad.
Pat: [laughs ruefully] You don't know her. Ever since I turned 13, she's
been...slipping stuff in various places.
Ranma: Stuff?
Pat: Well, there was the occasional Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue dropped
casually in my lap from behind. There was also the Playboy strategically
placed on my bed. I still get the shudders when I remember the Penthouse
oh so innocently placed under my pillow. Finally, there was the Victoria's
Secrets catalog carefully folded within the confines of my bath towel...
Ranma: I get the point.
Akane: Your sister is....weird.
Ranma: And how old is she?
Pat: She's 22, and she always calls me either "little brother" or "baby
brother," or if she's in a particularly malicious mood, "diaper breath."
She also can be a little...indiscreet.
Akane: Indiscreet?
Pat: All right, so she can be a sharp-tongued shrew!
Ranma: Oh boy. [pats Pat's shoulder reassuringly.] And I thought I had
troubles!
Pat: Gee, thanks. [takes a deep breath] Well, my best chance of avoiding
her is to get to school really early and leave just as early. Maybe then, I
can spare myself abject humiliation.
Akane: Pat, she's your sister! She's the only sister you have!
Pat: She may be the only sister I have, but if I could, I'd ask, no,beg,
the Creator to trade her for a much sweeter person.
Kasumi: Oh, come on. She sounded so nice over the phone.
Pat: To paraphrase the Joker, [does a Jack Nicholson imitation] "Wait'll
you get a load of her!"
[later that evening, Pat is feverishly typing his letter home.]
Pat: [voice over] Dear Phil, this is going to be a brief letter. WHY DIDN'T
YOU TELL ME THAT BETH WAS COMING OVER? Everything was going just fine over
here until she just called. Oh, sure, I had to bluff my way with Nabiki to
get something, but that was nothing compared to my shock when our dear sister
just calls me up. [takes a couple of deep breaths] Okay, I'm done with my
ranting, raving and hyperventilating. Anyways, nothing much happened except
that I was practicing with Ranma for the contest on Friday. Oh, by the way.
I finally managed to perfect that defensive technique I've been working on.
It looks pretty cool, and it works great. I'll show it to you when I get home
(that is, if I'm still sane by then). Later, Pat.
[cut to the next day. Pat, Akane, and Ranma are walking to school. Pat has
discreetly sandwiched himself between Akane and Ranma, fearing the worst.]
Pat: See her yet?
Akane: This is kinda silly. She's your sister!
Pat: That's exactly why she gets to me! If she were a stranger, it wouldn't
bother me half as bad. But, she's my sister, and she always will be.
[shudders] Geez, I'm depressed.
Ranma: She must be pretty intimidating looking to reduce you to a spineless
jellyfish.
Pat: No, she's only 5'4, but she's very, very feisty. I once commented on how
tall I was. You know what she said?
Ranma and Akane: What?
Pat: She said that she could reach all she needed to. [they reach the gates
of Furinkan High School.] Any sign of her, yet?
Ranma: No, but we don't even know what she looks like.
Pat: You'll know. She'll be a short girl waving around a dirty magazine
just to embarass me.
Akane: You know, I think Shampoo would like her. They both seem so...
uninhibited.
Pat: Well, she does have morals. They're just not immediately evident.
[looks around and sighs with relief] She's not here. I'm in the clear!
[cut to lunchtime. Pat's still so nervous about his sister, he's shaking.
Buying his lunch, he plows into Kuno, spilling his lunch all over him. Pat
doesn't even spare a look backward.]
[cut to the end of school. Pat is, once again, huddled between Ranma and
Akane. However, his effort's in vain as...]
Beth: [waving a rolled-up magazine] Hey, "baby brother!"
Pat: [literally jumps out from between Ranma and Akane and starts sprinting]
GYAAAA!
Beth: [catches up with him] Oh, come on over here, ya big baby!
Pat: [resigned, facing Beth] Aheh. Hi.
Beth: [cocky] Hi, yourself. You weren't trying to run away from me, now
were you?
Pat: Well, the thought had occurred to me.
[Ranma and Akane are in shock. Beth is definitely shorter and more petite
of build than Pat. However, this is the terror that frightens the 5'6 lean
Pat into a frenzy.]
Akane: This...is your sister?
Pat: [trembling] What do you think?
Beth: [waves cheerfully] Hi!
[just then, Kuno, cleaned up, approaches Pat & co. He looks rather
disturbed (in more ways than one)]
Kuno: Gaijin...
Beth: [icily] What did you say?
Kuno: Who are you?
Beth: [sarcastically] What's it to you?
Kuno: What matters is that he has, again, offended my honor! [to Pat] I
am glad that you are in the contest Friday. You can die conveniently, then.
Beth: Hmph. Honor, or ego? No one lays a hand on my brother...Except me.
Kuno: [annoyed] Who is this...woman?
Pat: [takes the opportunity to introduce them] Ah, Beth, this is Kuno.
Kuno, Beth. He happens to be the captain of the kendo team. (hint, hint)
Beth: I've heard of you...[smirks]
Kuno: Really? How so?
Beth: So, you're the guy who needs to get a *real* sword.
Kuno: [frustrated] Why, you---! If I do not have qualms against fighting
the fairer sex---
Beth: What kind of qualms? Losing your pants in a fight? [grins evilly]
[Ranma and Akane are watching this conversation, much like one watches a
tennis match. Ranma is expecting Kuno to go berserk while Akane is impressed
with her repertoire.]
Pat: [to Beth] Beth, this is not a good idea. He's been known to fly off
the handle.
Beth: You don't say... [Pat can see the gleam in her eyes]
Pat: [to himself] Uh-oh. Kuno's had it.
Beth: Do you know the meaning of the word "no?"
Kuno: [puzzled] What do you mean?
Pat: [inwardly groans] Kuno, you'd better just stop talking to her right
now, because...
Kuno: SILENCE! [waves his bokken at Pat]
Pat: Okay. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Beth: Well, do you?
Kuno: Of course I do! I'm not stupid, you know.
Beth: [to Akane] Say something with the word "no" in it. Try something
you've always wanted to say to him.
Akane: Oh, I couldn't...
Beth: Of course you could. Go on, say something.
Akane: [takes a deep breath] Upperclassman Kuno, there is *no* way I'm going
on a date with you, even if you were the last man on earth!
Kuno: [sniffs, then turns on Beth] You did this to her, you...
Beth: [tapping Kuno with the rolled-up magazine] Down, boy. Sit! Roll over!
Play dead!
Pat: [to himself] I don't know who to feel more sorry for, me or Kuno.
Kuno: I have had enough of this! [raises his bokken]
Beth: [sighs, then whaps Kuno over the head with the magazine. She finishes
up by kicking him right where it counts.] I said *down*, boy!
Kuno: [bent over] ..... [collapses]
Pat: [to Kuno] I told you to quit while you were ahead. [to himself]
Great, now I have to talk to her! I'm dead.
Ranma and Akane:...... [they're both bug-eyed at how easily Beth took out
Kuno.]
Ranma: Were you ever into the martial arts?
Beth: No, why?
Akane: Wh-why? You just knocked out the school kendo champion!
Beth: [looking down at Kuno] Really? He was a champion?
Ranma: Y'know, your brother did the same thing when he first came here.
Pat: Yeah, well, I didn't let him have it in his nether regions, you know.
I do have some standards.
Beth: Weenie.
Pat: I am not a weenie! I just happen to think that you don't have to resort
to kicking a guy in the...ahem, you know, to knock him out!
Beth: Well, it works, doesn't it? [grins evilly]
Kuno: [trying to get up, falsetto] I...
Beth: Need to get a *real* sword!
Pat: You'd better quit while you're down, Kuno. It only gets worse from
here on in.
[Kuno collapses again.]
Beth: [tosses the magazine to Pat] Oh, here little brother. This is for you.
Pat: [catches the magazine and cautiously opens it] A video game magazine?
Beth: What were you expecting?
Pat: Well, given your past record...ah, never mind. [opens the magazine]
Beth: Oh, there's a nice poster in the middle.
Pat: [gets nervous] Really? [turns to the middle to find Miss September
in all her glory] AWK! [immediately closes the magazine and starts shredding
it] How could you do this? And in front of my friends, yet? Well, friends
and a jerk, anyways.
[Beth is too busy laughing her head off for a coherent reply. Kuno's eyes
seem to have gotten bigger as he spies the pieces of Miss September gently
floating over him.]
Beth: You still haven't changed, little brother. You still go crazy whenever
you see just a little bit of female...
Pat: BETH!
Ranma: Hey, I thought that you said that you couldn't think of anything
your family did to make you so embarrassed.
Pat: Well, the last week and a half has been kind to me. I managed to forget
all about her. [shudders] Until now.
Beth: [cheerfully] Next victim! So, you mind if I see where you've been
living for the last week and a half?
Akane: No.
Ranma: Yes!
Pat: GYAAAA! [regains his composure] Umm, it's just your average martial
arts school. [to Akane] Sorry about that.
Beth: CHICKEN! [starts clucking, then inadvertantly steps on Kuno]
Kuno: [falsetto] Ouch.
Pat: Sis, it's bad enough you beat him, do you have to walk all over him?
Beth: I thought I stepped in some kind of scum. [removes her foot] Let me
know when your voice returns to normal, whenever that is.
Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] Now you know why I freaked out. Any more
questions?
Ranma: Are you sure she's related to you? She doesn't seem a bit like you.
Pat: Yes, she's related. Various tests have proved that, sadly.
Beth: [whaps him playfully on the head.] Stiff.
[The four of them start walking home. Kuno struggles to get up, but is still
bent over ninety degrees. Beth shoots a look over her shoulder, and Kuno
plays dead.]
*********************************************************
[They enter the house, where Kasumi is making some tea.]
Akane: ...and this is the house. That's about all there is. [the group is
greeted by the squeals of P-chan. Akane picks him up and hugs him in
the usual way.] P-chan, this is Beth, Pat's sister.
Beth: Cute pig. Is it a he or a she?
Akane: It's a he.
Beth: [playfully] Figures.
[The comment flies right over Akane's head, but P-chan seems a bit peeved.
He starts squealing at Beth much like the time he squealed at Pat.]
Akane: You want to hold him?
Beth: Sure, why not? [Akane hands over P-chan to Beth. P-chan seems to
be sweating in the presence of this strange girl, and with good reason.] So,
how long have you had him?
Akane: Oh, a couple of months.
Beth: [while playing with P-chan] Have you ever considered getting him,
y'know, fixed?
[Ranma, Pat, and P-chan turn pale at the thought. P-chan starts struggling in
Beth's arms]
Beth: It was just a thought. [laughing] Look at your faces. You'd think
a man was getting castrated or something.
[Ranma and Pat breathe a sigh of relief, but P-chan is still unnerved.]
[Beth gives the piglet back to Akane, after giving him a little squeeze. A
large panda comes lumbering in and casually seats himself at the table.]
Kasumi: Oh, how was your walk, Mr. Saotome?
Panda: [sign] Oh, it was all right. Could I have some tea, please?
Kasumi: Certainly. [pours him a cup]
Beth: [to Pat] Who's he?
Pat: Well, it's a long story.
Beth: Shorten it.
Pat: Okay. This is Ranma's father, Genma Saotome.
Beth: Yeah, right. And boys can turn into girls, right?
[Ranma starts twitching uncomfortably.]
Beth: What's with you?
Ranma: Uh, well, [clears his throat] not under normal circumstances, but...
[trails off]
Beth: [looks at Ranma] But...?
Ranma: But...[starts sweating profusely.] Pop, help me out here!
Panda: [sign] Well, what am I supposed to say? She's got you cornered.
Akane: ...just like Pat, right?
Ranma: Well... [gives Pat a "help!" look]
Pat: Well, let's just say that circumstances occurred to give Mr. Saotome a
coat of fur.
Beth: [disbelieving tone] You don't say...[pauses] So, how did it happen?
Pat: Well...magic.
Beth: Magic?
Pat: What else can I say, sis?
Beth: [shrugs] Why not? [to Panda] What'd you do, pick on a witch?
Panda:...
[Ranma sighs, relieved that the attention's been switched from him to the
Panda.]
Pat: [changing the subject] Well, I don't know about you but, I need a
break from all this constantly thinking about the contest. Is there anything,
well, fun in this town?
Ranma: You've been in this town for almost two weeks and you don't know
what's fun?
Pat: I mean, other than eating at the Nekohanten or breaking up fights between
you and...whoever. [Ranma and P-chan start giving dirty looks to each other.]
Akane: Well, there's the indoor skating rink. [Both Ranma and the pig's eyes
start bugging out.]
Ranma: [glares at Akane] Akane, do you remember what happened the last time
we went ice skating?
Akane: As I recall, you *did* learn how to skate.
Ranma: Yeah, and I also got...[remembers that Beth's there] into a fight with
that playboy, Mikado Sanzenin.
Beth: [to Pat, whispering] Boy, you weren't kidding. He really does get
into a lot of fights.
Pat: [whispering back] Tell me about it. [to Ranma] Oh, c'mon, Ranma. The
guy's probably not even there. Besides, it's the middle of spring. There
won't be that many people there.
Ranma: Well....[thinks for a while] you're probably right.
Pat: [smiling] No, I'm definitely Pat.
Beth: [smacks him across the back of his head] Bad joke.
Pat: [to Ranma and Akane] Anyway, do either of you want to come along?
Ranma: Sure. Someone's got to keep you out of trouble.
Pat: [frowns] Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence. What about you,
Akane?
Akane: Why not?
Beth: [curious] So, what's there to do at the skating rink?
Ranma: [thinks] I'm definitely going along if she's going. I'd like to
see how Mikado Sanzenin deals with her. [to Beth] Oh, nothing much.
Beth: Oh. Then I guess I'll grab a magazine on the way there, and keep
someone out of trouble. [looks at her younger brother pointedly]
Pat: BETH!
Beth: Don't you "Beth!" me! You almost got whacked by someone who needed
a real sword, remember?
[Ranma snickers.]
Pat: For your information, I didn't get whacked--
Beth: That's 'cause I whacked him first!
Pat: No, you didn't! [murmurs] I'm not really proud of it, though.
[Beth looks away in disgust.]
[Several arguments/discussions later, Ranma, Akane, P-chan, Pat and Beth are
on their way to the skating rink. Along the way, Beth buys a Cosmopolitan
and starts to show a particularly embarassing article to her brother. He
reacts by looking the other way, blushing, and clearing his throat, in that
order. They arrive at the rink. Pat notices several workmen filling a pool
outside the rink.]
Pat: [to one of the men] Isn't it a bit early to be going swimming?
Man#1: Well, it's been so warm lately that the boss told us to start filling
it up.
[Pat shrugs his shoulders. The group works its way inside. As predicted,
there are very few people around. On the rink we see a couple working on
some of their moves, along with a few loners. Everyone except P-chan and
Beth go to the front desk to get their skates.]
Akane: Would you mind holding on to P-chan? [hands the pig to Beth.]
Beth: Okay. [sits down at a table and starts reading her magazine with P-
chan on her lap. The latter is understandably scared stiff about this weird
girl. Feeling his tension, she absent-mindedly pats him on the head.] Don't
worry, I'm not a vet. [P-chan relaxes slightly.]
[Everyone returns with their skates and start putting them on. After they
cruise around the rink, they see a disturbing sight: the male half of the
couple turns out to be...]
Ranma: Uh-oh.
Pat: What?
Ranma: It's that guy over there. That's Mikado Sanzenin.
Pat: Who's he?
Ranma: He's the guy who...[whispers in his ear].
Pat: Ah. [looking over in Beth's direction.] It looks like he's headed in
Beth's direction.
Ranma: This should be interesting.
Pat: You could say that.
[Mikado is gliding his way over to Beth's table, where she's reading her
magazine. He hops off the ice and heads over to her.]
Mikado: [oozing charm] Excuse me, but haven't we met before?
Beth: [peering over the top of her magazine] Should we have?
[switch to Pat and Ranma's point of view.]
Pat: [in a Harry Carey voice] Here's the pitch...[Mikado is trying to sweet-
talk Beth] the windup...[Beth grabs Mikado by the shirt front. It looks like
the two are about to kiss at any moment. Then, rude reality, in the form of
Beth's magazine, hits. She smacks him hard with her magazine.] and it's a
foul ball for Mikado! [Ranma and Akane start laughing their heads off.]
[Beth nonchalantly returns to her magazine. She puts P-chan on the table.
He blushes because she's reading a particularly personal article.]
Mikado: What's so interesting about that magazine?
Beth: It tells me how to deal with guys like you. I wouldn't want to take
advantage of a baby.
Mikado: [surprised] A wha--?
Beth: A baby. You look like you're still in high school.
Mikado: Well, that may be. There is, however, a universal language. [tries
to kiss her again.]
Beth: [disgusted] Oh, please.
[switch back to Pat's point of view]
Pat: I don't believe it. He's going after her *again*.
Akane: So? She can take care of herself.
Pat: Maybe so. [starts skating over to Beth and Mikado. The former is
deftly avoiding the latter's lunges. Pat looks back at Ranma and Akane.] I
can't let her have *all* the fun, can I? [smiles]
Beth: [beginning to show signs of irritation] Go away.
Mikado: But I merely want to...apologize for my earlier behavior.
Beth: You would use any excuse to kiss a girl, wouldn't you?
Mikado: Excuse is such a vulgar word. I prefer to use...opportunity. [leans
over to kiss her. Before he gets far, though, Pat hops off the ice and knocks
Mikado's head several times. The latter turns around.] Who are you?
Pat: [slightly smirking] Opportunity knocking. May I ask what you're doing
with my sister?
[Beth gives Pat a look that says, "Go away, I can handle myself." Pat raises
an eyebrow as if to say, "Oh, really? Then how come you're in this mess?"]
Mikado: Your sis--? [takes a good look at Beth] Ah, your younger sister, no
doubt.
Pat: [flabbergasted] My wha--? [Upon hearing this, Beth starts to fume.]
Mikado: [turns his back to Beth in order to face Pat.] Well, look at you
two. She's obviously the less experienced sibling. [Beth puts down her
magazine and starts slowly creeping up to Mikado. Pat tries not to notice.]
I would like your permission to take her out.
Pat: [thinking] This guy's a goner. [to Mikado] There are two things you
need to straighten out. First of all, she's my *older* sister. Secondly...
[Beth grabs Mikado's pants and gives him a wedgie.]
Mikado: [eyes bugging out] !!!!!!
Pat: ...she doesn't need my permission for anything. [Ranma and Akane have
been watching this scene with interest. P-chan is very surprised at how Beth
deals with Mikado, and scoots to the edge of the table, almost falling off.]
Mikado: [recovering from the "assault"] You spoiled my chance at possibly
kissing a girl. Nobody's ever done that!
Pat: [somewhat cockily] Well, I'm not exactly nobody, you know.
Beth: [to no one in particular] I'm going outside. [irritably walks out,
grabbing P-chan and her magazine.]
[Mikado tries chasing after her, only to be persued by Pat. Beth halts in
mid-stride, pivots on her heel, and doesn't wait for Mikado to catch up to her.
He does, with Pat close behind.]
Beth: Go away!
Mikado: Oh, come on. It'd be a real crime not to kiss a cute girl like you.
Pat: Okay, that does it! You want to pester my sister, you're gonna have to
go through me, first.
Mikado: Is that a challenge?
Pat: [slowly] What do you think?
Mikado: Fine. We fight next week at my school, Kolkhoz high.
Pat: No problem there. [thinking] Of course, I'm not going to be around
next week, but he doesn't know that. [to Mikado] Would you care to discuss
the rules on the rink? [goes into the ice. Mikado follows.] Now, let's get
some things straight, shall we?
Mikado: What is there to talk about? You challenged me, I accepted, and we
fight next week. It will be a one-on-one skating match.
Pat: I see. [pauses] I was just wondering if we were going to be fighting
by "hockey rules" or not.
Mikado: [confused] "Hockey rules?"
Pat: Well, if we were playing by "hockey rules," I'd be able to do *this*
[knees him in the gut. Mikado bends over, both hurt and surprised.] and
*this*, [trips him] maybe a bit of this, [as Mikado gets up, Pat gives him a
body check against the wall. The former crumples down. Mikado struggles to
get back on his feet. Pat resumes his one-sided conversation (and fight) when
Mikado is barely on his feet, pushing himself away from the wall.] and maybe
just a teeny bit of this. [skates behind Mikado, somersaults over him, and,
while in mid-air, grabs Mikado's shoulders. Landing, Pat flips his adversary
so that the latter's back meets the ice, hard. Mikado is out cold. Pat skids
to a stop.] Although, y'know, maybe that last part was a bit on the
borderline, what do you think? [gets no response] Gee, you don't look so
good. Maybe we should forget the whole thing. [still no response] I'll
take that as a yes. [cheerfully] See ya! [skates over to where Ranma and
Akane are.]
Ranma: What was that all about?
Pat: Oh, nothing much. I challenged him, he accepted, and I was just
explaining some rules to him.
Akane: What kind of rules involve slamming him to the ice? Not that he
didn't deserve every bit of it.
Pat: I was just telling him what someone could do while playing by "hockey
rules."
Ranma: "Hockey rules?"
Pat: [smiling] It's an oxymoron. There are very few things one can't do in
hockey.
Akane: [somewhat concerned] Pat, that was the most vicious I've ever seen
you. Were you going to...?
Pat: [looks at her] Akane, I've already told you. I don't kill or maim.
[smirks] He'll be sore for about a month, but he'll be all right. Besides,
what am I supposed to do, let him try to kiss my sister?
Akane: She seems like she can take care of herself.
Pat: [mumbling] Yeah, well. You know what?
Ranma and Akane: What?
Pat: Even though she drives me crazy, and even though she'll turn me gray
before my time, she's still my sister. This whole bit with Mikado wouldn't
drive me half as crazy if it were someone I didn't know.
Ranma and Akane: ......
[the three skate over to where Beth is waiting. Her mood seems to be that of
irritation. They make their way off the ice.]
Pat: So, I guess you saw the whole thing, sis?
Beth: [slightly sarcastic] How could I miss it? [crosses her arms] Little
brother, I can take care of myself, thank you. [Pat raises an eyebrow.] And
don't give me that eyebrow bit! You didn't leave anything for me!
Pat: [while taking off his skates] Well, he's still over there by the wall,
if you want to...
Beth: No, it's not worth it. [to herself] I'll get him later.
[by this time, Ranma and Akane have replaced their skates with shoes, and are
heading back to the front desk. Mikado, supported by his skating partner,
is almost dragged back to the table area. She takes off her skates and puts
her shoes on.]
Pat: [spies a stuffed animal vending machine] Hey! Hold up, people! I'm
just going to try my luck with this thing. [The three stop while he inserts a
coin and manipulates a claw-like apparatus to snag an adorable stuffed panda.
He lifts the panda out of the machine. Mikado's partner, helping him up,
spies the panda and drops Mikado flat on his face.]
Girl: [squealing with delight while reaching for the stuffed panda] Jeanette!
Jeanette!
Pat: [surprised] What the--? [she continues to reach for the panda, but
he's dodging her every try.]
Akane: Oh, no...not her. Not Azusa Shiratori! [puts P-chan in her jacket.]
Pat: Who? [continues to hold the stuffed panda out of her reach.] Hey,
cut it out, will you? [to Akane] Who is this weird girl?
Akane: [picking up P-chan] She collects cute things. And...
Pat: And what? [by this time, Azusa has started trying to hit Pat with an
ashtray. Pat sees this out of the corner of his eye and blocks her every
time. After about four or five tries, he grabs the ashtray out of her hand.]
Thanks, but I don't smoke. [flings the ashtray to another table]
Akane: And she'll stop at nothing to get them.
Pat: Uh-huh. [Azusa has switched to a chair. Like before, Pat simply grabs
it out of her reach. He puts it down and sits on it.] Thanks.
Azusa: ..... [heads for the table and picks that up.]
Pat: [sees what she's doing and sighs] Oh, boy. [his eyes narrow as Azusa
goes for a swing. Before anyone else can react, he turns around and grabs her
arm. He says slowly,] Do you want to live?
[Azusa, shocked by his speed, she can only nod.]
Pat: [slowly] Then put that thing down, *now*.
[She does, and then resumes trying to get the panda.]
Azusa: Give me Jeanette! Give me Jeanette!
[As usual, she doesn't get it. Pat gets a mischievious inspiration. A slow,
malicious smile crosses his face, leaving Ranma and Akane a little unnerved.
That was a look they'd only seen on Beth.]
Pat: [gives the Panda to Beth] Hang on to this, will you, sis? I'll be back
in a minute. [heads for the door and calls out] And if she goes for it, slug
her!
[Mikado has regained consciousness by this time, and is staggering over to
Beth. She looks at him with utter disgust.]
Beth: Oh, all right! You want a kiss? [Mikado, having had the stuffing
pounded from him, can only nod.] Then close your eyes and pucker up. [He
does, much to the surprise of everyone present. However, Beth has other
ideas. She puts the panda in front of her so that Mikado's kissing it. Upon
disengaging his lips, he looks shocked. She says pseudo-sweetly] Was it good
for you, too?
[Everyone's straining to hold their laughter.]
[At about the same time that this is going on, Pat's outside checking the
depth of the pool. The workmen have finished filling it and are gone for the
day.]
Pat: [mumbling to himself] Let me see now, 50 feet from the entrance to the
rail, 10 foot drop, 12 foot deep water...[smiles] everything should work out
just fine. [heads back inside to see everyone laughing at Mikado kissing a
stuffed animal. He goes to Beth.] I'll take it back, sis.
Beth: [hands it to him] It's all yours.
Pat: [to Azusa] You want this?
Azusa: Yes! It's so cuuuuute!
Pat: Okay, fine. [throws the panda outside.] Catch!
Azusa: Wah! [runs out to catch it. Pat strolls after her, apparently in no
real hurry. The panda goes sailing over the pool and, as she tries to catch
it, finds herself precariously balanced on a rail. Pat finds her like this
and looks at her. Then, he looks at the pool. Finally, he looks at the
panda safely on the other side of the pool.] Whoa! [Pat slaps her hard on
her back, sending her into the pool screaming.] Waaauuuughh! SPLASH!
Pat: [shouting] Atta girl! Go for what you want! Be assertive! [snickers
to himself, then goes down to the pool. He nonchalantly picks up the panda
on the other side. Ranma and Akane have just exited the rink, having heard
the wail of a neurotic girl. Pat strolls over to Akane, who's holding P-chan,
and gives her the panda.] Here you go.
Akane: [brightens] Thanks. [looks at Azusa splashing around] Don't you
think you should do something about her?
Pat: [sighs and looks bored] Do I have to? [pauses] Oh, all right.
[tosses a life preserver into the pool.] This wasn't exactly relaxing. I
have to admit, though, [smirks] it was fun.