[Fanfic] Suburban Senshi (reposted from alt.fan.sailor-moon)
Antonio E. Gonzalez
alt.fan.sailor-moon, it's a seriously twisted take on life for the Sailor Moon
characters post-Stars. I can't take credit for this, but will give it to
author "Dr. Xadium"
Plenty of spoilers, and plenty of content that might be found offensive by
quite a few people, so you've been warned.
From: "Dr. Xadium" drxa...@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net
Date: 06/06/2002 7:29 PM Pacific Daylight Time
Message-id: <adp60k$se1$1...@slb3.atl.mindspring.net>
SUBURBAN SENSHI EPISODE ONE: "Our Stock is Falling"
Some Spoilers for S, SuperS and Stars later on. You have been warned.
I'm warning you again.
This is the final warning.
If you went past this without reading or heeding it and then had your mind
blown because you found out somethin you shouldn't have and then have to
waste yor money on an expensive shrink well gee, that's too bad.
EPISODE PREVIEW
What's this? The Outer Senshi are back? That's right! Just in time to be
late for Bishojo Sesnhi Sailor Moon's Tenth Anniversary, the brand-new,
irregularly released fanfic comedy series! A Situation Comedy: SUBURBAN
SENSHI!
By Dr. Xadium (drxa...@DEATHTOSPAMgate.net)
Naoko Takeuchi is hereby thanked for her involuntary contribution to this
fanfic.
TEASER
Everything is in High Definition, Letterbox format. Classical Music plays.
EXTERIOR SHOT: Atop a hill below which most of Tokyo's urban clutter can be
seen sits a house. It is HUGE. Two stories high and about ten rooms long,
it is situated a little off-center on a gigantic lawn. To the left of the
home an old-style koi pond sits; to the right is a massive swimming pool
and tennis court. Soem distance from the front of the house is a massive
garage, in front of which dozens of exotic speedsters are parked. This
massive edifice is known as--
SUBTITLE: Kaioh Manor, a few months ago
A car can be seen making its way up the long winding driveway which leads
to the front of the manor. It's jet black paint job glistens in the noonday
sun as it makes the final turn towards the parking area directly ahead of
the entrance. Creaking to a halt, the camera pushes in as we watch
SUBTITLE: Tomoe Hotaru
exiting from the back of the car, carrying some luggage. She is wearing
much the same outfit as in Sailor Moon S, i.e. the all black outfit with
the lace trim and white rose.
Hotaru heads for the front door, where
SUBTITLE: Kaioh Michiru Ten'ou Haruka
are standing, waiting for her. Haruka is wearing her white pant suit and
blue shirt, and Mischiru is wearing one of her typically elegant dresses.
Hotaru: Michiru-momma, Haruka-poppa, I'm back!
Michiru: How was your trip?
Hotaru: It was fantastic! Paris was wonderful!
Haruka: I'm glad you enjoyed it. But you know you could have just waited
for us to go on tour there, and then we could have all been there
together.
Hotaru: ... (smiles weakly)
Haruka: Well, I'm off to race the Jag a little. I'll be back before dinner
starts, OK Michi? (She gives Michiru a peck on the cheek)
Michiru: I'm sure Chef will have a wonderful dinner prepared in honor of
Hotaru's return. Drive safely!
Haruka: Heh. Always.*
* Telling Haruka to "drive safely" is like telling Jaws to "be nice to
swimmers".
The Camera pulls back as Haruka makes her way towards the garage. We
suddenly see a blast of purple light, and someone appears over the
swimming pool, promptly falling in. Everyone turns to look at
her. The camera pushes in as the usually composed and aloof woman
drags herself out of the water, coughing and struggling to stand.
SUBTITLE: Meioh Setsuna
Haruka and Michiru run over to Setsuna, helping her up.
Haruka: Setsuna! Are you alright?
Setsuna: Yes, but you won't be.
Setsuna holds out her Time Staff. The giant key-shaped rod looks normal,
but the blood-red garnet orb which sits atop it is strangely dark and
mottled. Cracks can be seen along its surface.
Michiru: Setsuna, what happened to the--
Setsuna: The Garnet Orb is over ten thousand years old. It has seen battle
for much of that time. As with most things that age, it is only inevitable
that it should one day... break.
Hotaru: Break? But we haven't fought any enemies for over five years! How
could you--
Setsuna: (archly) That is unimportant!
FLASHBACK (still in high defintion letterbox)
Setsuna, as Sailor Pluto, stands solitary guard at the gate of time. The
mists ebb and flow, occasionally obscuring the ground. Setsuna stares ahead
impassively, like the guards at Buckingham palace, her hands squarely on
the Time Staff. The Garnet Orb glints in the light, its blood red
pulsations eerie in the eternal twilight.
Setsuna's eyebrows twitch as she feels *something* touching her. She
supresses any further reaction. But she feels the sensation growing. Like
a thousand small finders tickling her legs.
Looking down, Setsuna sees HUNDREDS of large cockroaches crawling on the
floor and up her legs.*
*If there is one thing the mighty Senshi of time cannot stand, it is
cockroaches.
Swinging her staff around deftly, Setsuna aimed the garnet orb at the sea
of insects.
"dead scream" she whispered, and a mighty arc of Plutonic energy lanced
into the vermin, incinerating them.
Setsuna sighed, and dropped her defensive pose. But she quickly assumed it
again when another wave of roaches appeared.
"Where are they coming from?" Setsuna asked herself as she fired volley
after volley of energy at the creatures. Finally she noted that the Time
Gate was slightly ajar-- and the co-ordinates on the other side specified
the early Paleozoic Era. The creatures were coming from Earth's distant
past.
"Gah." Setsuna went to close the door when she noticed something ELSE
coming though. Apparently the cockroaches of that era could grow to be
several feet long. She knew this because several of them were now looking
her in the eye, hissing and flapping their wing sheaths.
"dead scream. dead scream. dead scream
deadscreamsdeadscreamDeadScreamDeadScreamDEADscreamDEADSCREAM!"
(sound of massive icky explosions and glass shattering)
END FLASHBACK
Setsuna: At any rate, with the loss of the Orb, my predictive abilities
have been severely curtailed. So I was unable to see certain things
happening...
Haruka: Like what?
Setsuna: Well, as you know, the vast bulk of the money that goes towards
supporting our luxuriant lifestyles comes in from the concerts you and
Michiru hold all across the world, which is then sagely invested by me in
what would normally be considered high-risk stocks--
Hotaru: --For those without the ability to see the future, anyway. (her
face falls) Oh dear.
Setsuna: Please, Haruka, tell me you sold that stock I told you about last
week when I told you it might have been a good idea.
Haruka: Nah, I had a race. I was going to do it this afternoon actually.
Setsuna: Too late.
The Classical music in the background SCREECHES TO A HALT with a record
scratch.
Various newspapers rotate wildly, their headlines flashing on screen:
ENRON COLLAPSE!
COMPANY FILES FOR BANKRUPTCY!
SHAREHOLDERS LOSE BILLIONS!!
Time lapse footage:
The cars vanish from the driveway, taken by Repo men.
The Pool is emptied.
The Koi in the Koi pond are carted off.
The House is closed up.
End time lapse.
End Letterbox. Everything now looks like it's shot on cheap VHS.
Subtitle: PRESENT DAY
We are looking at a very decent western style home with two floors and a
two car garage. It is, however, as nothing compared to the last house.
There are barely feet separating this home from the adjoining one, and
various scruffy looking children are riding their bikes in the street
yelling obscenities at one another. Haruka, Michiru, Hotaru and Setsuna
look at each other and the house and then bow their heads in defeat.
DR. XADIUM WAS TOO CHEAP TO PUT AN OPENING SEQUENCE HERE
The interior of the three bedroom home is a shambles. Boxes lie overturned
everywhere, and packing material coats the floors. No furniture is in its
proper place.
ACT I - MICHIRU'S PROBLEM
KITCHEN
"Well, now that Chef is gone, I suppose you'll have to do all the cooking,
Michi," Haruka said playfully as she watched Michiru experimentally
fiddling with the controls of the kitchen appliances.
Michiru turned to face Haruka with a look of mortified dread upon her
usually serene face. "You don't understand, Haruka-- I haven't had to cook.
Ever. I came from an exceptionally privileged background-- and one of those
privileges included never having to prepare a meal for myself."
Haruka frowned. "But surely you had to make some meals for cooking class in
school, or something?"
Michiru looked at Haruka as if she were an alien. "I went to an elite
private school. We learned the finest points of etiquitte and social grace,
and how to graciously accept and stylishly devour a tasty meal-- but we
NEVER learned how to make them. That's what servants are for!"
Haruka looked at her blankly. Ever since she'd moved in with Michiru that
had either had their food prepared for them by Chef or they had dined at
fine restaurants... it had never occured to her that the talented, musical
and artistic genius, Kaioh Michiru, could not cook to save her life.
"What about you?" Michiru asked almost desperately. "You had a rough start
in life, having to fend for yourself and make a place for yourself in the
world. Surely you can cook."
Haruka laughed. "Of course I can! I can cook anything--"
Michiru's leart leapt
"--As long as it's instant."
into her throat.
Haruka held the back of her head sheepishly. "Hanging out with the boys at
the speedway didn't exactly lend itself to a mastery of fine cuisine, you
know."
"But it did give you your killer fashion sense," Michiru said dryly.
"Haruka-poppa," Hotaru said, wandering into the kitchen, "I--"
"HOTARU!" Haruka and Michiru cried in unison. "You can cook, right?"
"Only if you prefer slow agonizing death," Hotaru said flatly. "Thank
Usagi for taking it upon herself to pass on her 'mastery' of the domestic
arts to me. Thank the Kami for Chef." Hotaru paused and eyed them
critically for a moment. "Don't tell me-- the two of you can't--"
The frightened look in their eyes told her everything she needed to know.
"As you know, I enjoy the study of World History," Hotaru began slowly.
"Right now I am recalling the tale of the 'Donner Party'... a poor group of
travelers who ran dangerously short of food during their journey towards
the American West in the 1800's... at a severe loss for food, they
eventually resorted to eating their own--"
Hotaru wisely backed out of the room before she could put ideas in their
heads.
"Instant's not so bad," Haruka began slowly, as she watched Michiru begin
to twich slightly.
"This is insane!" Michiru snapped, pointing to the variety of cookware in
front of her. "What am I supposed to do with this?!"
"As always, I have the crucial piece of information needed to save the both
of you from total disaster."
Haruka and Michiru both turned to see a poised and confident Setsuna
standing in the doorway. "Give all that cookware to me."
* * *
"This food tastes *so* good," Haruka mumbled between large, enthusiastic
bites. "I'd almost forgotten what it was like."
"I don't see what's so special about it," Hotaru said calmly, carefully
consuming her meal. "It tastes okay."
"Bland," Michiru said flatly, poking at her food with a cheap utensil.
"With all the money the pawnbroker was able to give us for the cookery,"
Setsuna said slowly as she took a bite out of her sandwich, "we should be
able to eat like this for a few weeks-- at least until Michiru can be
taught to cook properly. Sadly, my duties at the Time Gate prevent me from
being home to cook three meals a day for all of you."
"But I HATE McDonald's!" Michiru protested. "I HATE IT!"
"Now, now," Haruka said consolingly, "After your next concert we'll be able
to go back to our usual higher standard of fine dining."
"I hope so," Michiru said, taking a furtive bite from her fish fillet,
watching helplessly as the overload of tartar sauce dribbled down her face.
"I really hope so."
ACT II - HOTARU'S HELL
"Trust me, Michi, this is going to be good." Haruka smiled and sipped from
her can of only moderately overpriced beer. She offered one to Michiru, who
politely refused.
"I told you before, I'm not really interested in this sort of thing,"
Michiru protested, eyeing the television warily.
"It's fun! And you have to be impressed at the sheer training these guys
put themeselves through just to give us a good show."
"Hotaru-chan called it 'Bread and Circuses'-- and I think I agree."
"Feh." Haruka stared at the Television intently as the announcer began to
speak.
"It's Hulk Hogan vs. The Undertaker for the Undisputed WWE World
Heavyweight Title, next on RAW--"
The TV went dead, followed by all the lights in the house.
"Damn!" Haruka exclaimed, suddenly unable to see. Getting up, she managed
two tentative steps forward before tripping on a half-empty packing box.
Thudding to the floor, she got back up and carefully made her way to the
fuse box.
Resetting the circuit breakers, she scowled and headed around the house to
see what could have caused the breakers to trip. Hopefully she could get it
sorted out before the commercials were over.
"Nothing downstairs," Haruka muttered to herself, making her way up the
stairs and towards Hotaru's room.
"Let's try that again," she heard from the other side of Hotaru's door. Teh
lights in the house went dead.
"MICHIRU!" Haruka yelled, unwilling to chance the stairs in the dark.
"COULD YOU RESET THE BREAKERS!"
In a few moments the lights were back on. Haruka frowned and went into
Hotaru's room.
Hota--" Haruka began, stopping when she saw what was going on.
Hotaru was desperately rigging a sad amalgam of extension cords, power
strips and wall socket multipliers in order to try and get her massive lamp
collection lit.
"Hotaru," Haruka began slowly, "you can't plug that many things into the
sockets in this room... the circuits just can't handle it. More than that,
we can't afford to have all those lamps going all night like we used to.
You're going to have to turn them off."
Hotaru turned and looked at Haruka with an almost wild look in her eyes. "I
just finished painting the walls black and sealing off the windows."
"Hotaru-chan," Haruka began slowly, "you know that's not exactly the
healthiest environment for you--"
"Healthy?!" Hotaru began almost incredulously. "Since when have you been
concerned about my *health*, Sailor Assassin?"
Haruka scowled. "That again? Look, just because I tried to kill you that
one time--"
"--not to forget the time you DID kill me," Hotaru added flatly.
Haruka slapped her forehead. "Hey, Michiru was in on it too, you know...
why do you keep blaming me?!"
Hotaru sighed and walked over to a dry-erase board she had in her room.
Taking a purple marker she began drawing a crude comic with sketch figures
of Sailors Uranus and Neptune, as well as a terrified looking Hotaru.
Uranus: That kid looks like trouble. I say we kill it now, just to be sure.
Neptune: But Uranus, we could be wrong, she--
Uranus: It is our sacred duty, our hard duty, to kill. We must kill, for
that is source of our angst, without which we would not be cool.
Neptune: Oh, but the horror of killing a young girl--
Hotaru: Please don't kill me! I'm just a girl!!
Uranus: See the evil in its wicked eyes! It might be a threat! Ostracize
it, then kill it! Then we can weep about the injustice of it all and be so
COOL!
Neptune: But--
Uranus: Watch as I use my strangely androgynous influence to dominate you
emotionally!
Neptune: ...
Uranus: That's right... for the sake of our master plan, to be cool and
duplicitous, to make us look like the hardcore Sailor Senshi we know we
are--
Neptune: THE ***CH MUST DIE!
(scenes of carnage directed against Hotaru)
Haruka scowled. "That is so out of context. Anyway, just because I killed
you once does not mean you can have these lamps. We just can't afford it.
Besides, they don't even fit in your room!"
Hotaru looked around at the lamps crammed on top of her bookcase, dresser,
desk and bedhead and sighed. This new room simply did not have room for
fifty lamps.
"And besides, people were beginning to say you were Goth or something,"
Haruka said offhand.
As fast as the Senshi of wind was, Haruka almost got clocked by the lamp
Hotaru hurled in her direction. She quickly exited.
Hotaru looked around at her black walls and sighed. She just liked a
mysterious atmosphere, that's all. And was it her fault her complexion was
naturally pale? And so what if she had an overly morbid interest in
apocalyptic prophecy and the ancient mysteries of the world? And, dammit,
black was her favourite color because it just *was*, not because of some
cultural trend!
"Goth, eh..." Hotaru sighed.
THE NEXT DAY
"'Sunshine Yellow'?!" Hotaru asked incredulously as she saw the new color
Haruka had painted the walls of her room. In place of her lamp collection,
there were now two banks of dual four-foot fluoresecent lights spilling
harsh glary brightness into the room, and all her aged books were thrust
into a flower-wallpapered bookshelf.
Hotaru just stood there, veins throbbing in her forehead. She pondered
getting out her Silence Glaive and putting an end to the room right then
and there.
"This is a much happier atmosphere," Michiru said as she surveyed the room,
standing in the doorway with Haruka, "but a bit bland. I'll paint a mural
on one of the walls for you later, if you like."
"A scene from the Fall of the Roman Empire might be nice," Hotaru said
sincerely.
"A seascape," Michiru said definitively, completely ignoring Hotaru. "Yes,
a nice, fresh, sunny seascape."
"The sacking of Alexandria?" Hotaru tried again weakly.
"Wind, waves, and birds," Michiru said in almost a singalong. "It will be
nice to being some culture into this new home of ours."
"Nero's assassination of his mother," Hotaru hissed angrily.
"The seaside is so beautiful this time of year," Michiru said to Haruka,
"shall we go see it?"
The two older women left Hotaru's doorway, completely oblivious to her
existence.
A FEW HOURS LATER
"HOTARU!" Haruka yelled from the downstairs portion of the house. "Aren't
you done yet? We'd like to get going to the beach!"
Hotaru would have replied if she could have-- but her eyes were glassed
over, a bit of drool leaking from the side of her mouth. The handset of her
replica 1930's telephone was wedged firmly between her shoulder and her
ear. An incessant stream of babble was coming forth from the earpiece.
"--and my boyfriend is sooo cute and he has such nice white hair and his
clothes are so princely, of course that's the way it should be because he
was the attendant to a prince to naturally he'd look dashing and suave and
supremely cool, don't you think? He's--"
"Uh," was all Hotaru could force out. Chibiusa had called several hours
ago, having gotten a hold of Hotaru's new number, and all she could do was
blabber on incoherently about her boyfriend Elios. The worst part was she
kept repeating herself, over and over and over...
"--and that VOICE of his... some people say it makes him sound too old,
like a creepy old man but I think it gives him a certain magnetism, you
know, just like that Akio from Revolutionary Girl Utena, I mean come to
think of it the kid looks just like that Prince Dios guy too, that nice
white hair and the princely clothes, they're soo lovely in fact he would BE
Dios if he did not have that horn in his head--"
"HOTARU!" Haruka called from downstairs.
"Uhh," Hotaru did her best to snap out of it. This really was too much.
Frowning, she snapped, "Chibiusa, your boyfriend is a horse. A horse,
Chibiusa. Do you understand what that means?"
"Yeah! He's soooo Black Stallion!"
Hotaru scowled and put the phone down on her table. As much as she liked
Chibusa, the girl sometimes made her wish she could smash the Time Gate
into a thousand microscopic bits.
"Hotaru," Haruka said, finally coming into the room to see what was holding
her up, "we're ready to go." She saw the phone sitting on the table, the
tinny sound of Chibiusa's hyperactive voice flying from the earpiece.
"You'd better say goodbye to the little one," said Haruka.
Hotaru picked up the phone and yelled as loudly as she could into the
mouthpiece, "YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A HORSE!" and hung up the phone.
"Now Hotaru," Haruka said sternly, "That's no way to talk about Chibiusa's
boyfriend."
"I'm just talking about Elios," Hotaru countered.
"That Pegasus guy?" Haruka asked. Hotaru nodded.
"Then I can dig it." Haruka frowned. "Ready to go?"
Hotaru nodded and the two of them headed downstairs.
PART THREE - WON'T YOU BE MY NEIGHBOR?
Outside, Haruka, Michiru, Hotaru and Setsuna gathered in the small driveway
of their new home, ready to hit the beach.
"At least we got to keep my favorite car," Haruka said, as she looked at
her yellow speedster. "Shall we?"
"My, my, my," said a suave sounding voice from the house next door, "What a
nice little toy you have there, Uranus."
"Excuse me?" Haruka said indignantly, turning to see a man with long red
hair wearing a sharp business suit leaning over the brick partition which
separated the two adjoining properties.
SUBTITLE: Nephlite (!)
"Nephlite?" Haruka asked incredulously. "But you're supposed to be--"
"Never happened," Nephlite said suavely. "Got out while the getting was
good. Beryl was killing her generals left and right, and I saw the writing
on the wall, so I faked my own death, got married, quit the Dark Kingdom
and became insanely rich. That shower of purple sparks I seemed to explode
into? Dark Kingdom Transporter beam."
"Ready to go, Neffy dear?" shrieked an odd Southern / Brooklyn hybrid
accented voice from somewhere inside Nephlite's house, which, Haruka noted,
was annoying larger than hers.
"In a moment, Naru-honey," Nephlite said suavely. "I was just looking over
our neighbor's car."
A rather short girl with red hair and no fashion sense came out beside
Nephlite.
SUBTITLE: OSAKA NARU
Naru looked at Haruka's car and chuckled. "That little boxter ain't got
nothin' on your Ferarri, honey muffin."
Haruka growled. Nephlite smiled. "I've always wanted to race the world
famous Ten'ou Haruka."
Haruka smiled slyly. "How about right now? We're just heading for the
beach."
Nephlite nodded. "Well we were heading for the *bank*, to deposit all my
*money*, but I'm sure a little diversion to the beach wouldn't be a
problem, right, dear?"
Naru cooed in delight.
"Haruka--" Michiru began quickly.
"Not now," Haruka muttered darkly.
"But Haruka," Michiru protested.
"Not now!" Haruka got in the car and sidled it up to Nephlite's sleek red
Ferarri, which was purring in idle at the head of the street.
"Haruka-poppa," Hotaru began slowly, straining to look at the dash from the
backseat.
"He's going!" Haruka yelled as Nephlite began pulling out.
"And we're not." Setsuna pronouced solemnly as Haruka's car stalled and
froze in place while Nephlite's zoomed out of sight.
"We forgot to gas up," Michiru said slowly.
"No we didn't!" Haruka protested. "We went to a gas station right after
McDonald's."
"But you never filled the tank," Hotaru scolded.
"You mean I had to--" Haruka's face fell.
"There's no full service in this neighborhood," Setsuna confirmed.
"I'm used to having a pit crew," Haruka protested, now in a royal funk. Her
gloomy reverie was shattered by the sound of a Ferrari's horn behind her.
"Hey," Nephlite said smarmily, leaning out of his car's narrow window. "I
know you were probably just giving me a handicap, what with me being an
amateur racer and all, but I hardly think allowing me free reign of the
course was neccessary."
Haruka sighed but said nothing.
"Welcome to the neighborhood," Nephlite said smoothly as his car passed
Haruka's. The last thing Haruka heard as the car went out her sight a
second time was Naru's high-pitched laughter.
FADE OUT
PREVIEW OF NEXT EPISODE
Fed up with her torturous living conditions, Hotaru convinces Haruka to
spring for a high-speed Internet connection! But when Hotaru forgets to set
a password on the connection, Haruka discovers a whole new world on the
Internet! Will anyone's lives ever be the same again? X-10 Spycams for
everyone!! "Technology Bytes!" next on SUBURBAN SENSHI! You better Get
Ready!
- Vaughner
"Oh sweet baby Jesus, I'm a female anime-type character and I'm being attacked
by tentacles!!! That means there's only one thing that could happen next!!"
- Bimbo Moneymaker, (www.)Exploitation Now(.com)