[Ranma][FanFic] Heartburn
Scott Jamison
HEARTBURN
by Scott K. Jamison
(Note: Ranma 1/2 and its associated characters created by Rukiko
Takahashi. No infringement is intended.)
Shampoo hummed absently as she dusted the shelves at the back of
the Nekohanten. Even though the restaurant had only been open a year, it
seemed like there was centuries' worth of junk accumulated.
She gritted her teeth as she found a particularly stubborn piece
of grime. With a mighty swipe, Shampoo removed the dirt onto her cloth,
but the upswept hand struck the shelf above. Something small was jarred
off, and Shampoo had to dive to catch it.
The object turned out to be a small brown glass bottle labeled
"Ingredient X" in Chinese. Shampoo looked up at the shelf it had fallen
from. There was a dusty scroll next to the spot the bottle had stood.
She grasped it and blew off the dust.
Shampoo carefully unrolled the scroll. Like all important
scrolls in stories it was brittle with age. She read silently for a
moment, then aloud as she realized what she'd found. <...and will
forever know true love...>
"Great-grandmother!" shouted Shampoo as she stormed out of the
back room. "Shampoo find formula for True Love potion!"
The wizened elder stared at the bottle Shampoo was holding and
winced. Cologne had thought she had thrown that away.
"Shampoo hear Great-grandmother tell Ranma no such thing! But
have all along. Shampoo use, finally get husband to say `yes'!"
"Shampoo, I must warn you--"
"Pah! No time for warnings! Time for action!"
"At least make sure you produce a dose of the antidote as well."
"Why for? Shampoo not want Ranma fall *out* of love with her."
"Er...What if the wrong person takes the potion? Or by some
horrible chance son-in-law looks at the wrong girl?"
"Ooh. Shampoo not think of that. Great-grandmother very wise!"
She ran off to the kitchen. Cologne sighed. There was a reason this
particular tack had never been tried on Ranma, but it was best Shampoo
find out for herself.
Shampoo hummed happily as she brewed away. "Silly blimp up in
sky..." All of the ingredients for the potion except "Ingredient X" were
common ones, most already found in the house "extra hot" ramen recipe.
The unknown ingredient itself tasted slightly bittersweet, like dark
chocolate. But it would be adequately covered by the other spices.
Three hours later, Shampoo bicycled towards the Tendou dojo,
looking for Ranma. She was thrilled to find him on the street, and for
once without that annoying Akane attached to him.
"Nihao Ranma!" She braked to a stop right in front of him.
"Oh. Hiya Shampoo." She was amused by how hard he tried to
disguise his joy at seeing her.
"Shampoo bring husband tasty snack! Ten Thousand Dragons Ramen!"
The pig-tailed boy shook his head. "No thanks, Shampoo. I had a
heavy lunch. Akane's cooking has gotten lots better." This was true.
Today's meal had only tasted bad, not vomit-inducing. Of course Akane
hadn't quite taken that as a compliment, and he'd needed to take a quick
scrub to remove the remainder of the food from his hair. "And for the
forty-third time this week, I am *not* your husband."
"Ranma think violent girl's cooking better than Shampoo's? He
rather eat that than delicious ramen?" She put her best "hurt lover"
inflection into it.
"Ah, no, not really, no..."
"Good! Then Ranma eat Shampoo's so, so delicious meal!" She
unwrapped the bowl and thrust it at him.
"I guess I could..." The spicy noodles' scent worked its magic
(in the figurative sense) on his appetite, and Ranma was soon gobbling
down ramen as if he hadn't eaten in days.
Minutes later, he was done. "Not bad, Shampoo. A bit spicy--"
Ranma's eyes unfocused for a moment. "Whoo! Maybe a little *too* spicy.
I--" He was staring into Shampoo's eyes.
He was so handsome! Strong like the tiger, yet gentle like a
breeze. And now Ranma would be hers forever.
"Husband..."
"You stupid bimbo! What were you trying to do, poison me?" His
face twisted in anger.
"Shampoo no understand. Ranma not happy?"
"Can't you learn proper Japanese? You sound like an idiot!"
"But..."
"And for God's sake start wearing a bra! I can't stand the way
those oversized boobs of yours jiggle around! You look like a cheap
whore in those outfits."
Something was seriously wrong here...
"Husband act strange. Ranma all right?"
"How many times do I hafta tell you! I will never marry an
uncute overly-violent matriarchy-loving cat bimbo!!"
This was all wrong. Somehow she'd mixed the potion wrong, or
used the wrong Ingredient X. What was she going to do? Ranma hated her
now! Then she remembered. The antidote! It had no Ingredient X in it,
so should work correctly...she hoped. But how to get him to take it?
Ah.
"Ranma *will* marry Shampoo...or she not give him antidote to
poison in ramen!" She flourished the bottle for emphasis.
"Aha! I knew it! Gimme that!"
Shampoo dodged Ranma's attempts to grab the bottle of antidote,
putting real effort into it so he wouldn't catch on. At last he grabbed
the bottle, uncorked it and guzzled the contents.
"Oh curses!" breathed Shampoo like the villain she'd seen on TV
last week.
"Huh. My stomach's feeling better already." Ranma blinked.
"Uh, Shampoo, sorry about what I said...don't know what came over me."
"It...it okay Ranma. Shampoo go now." She sadly mounted her
bicycle and pedaled away.
Ranma looked at the shrinking form of Shampoo in the distance.
It was weird. For a few minutes there, he'd felt differently about
Shampoo. So intense, yet so familiar. Then he realized who he normally
felt that way about, and why.
"Akane..." he breathed, and turned his steps towards home, and
true love.
THE END
SKJAM!
(C'mon, you knew that was coming...)
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