[Ranma][FanFic] Girl Days, part 14
Rob
A Ranma 1/2 fanfiction
(Disclaimer, datclaimer, what's the diff?)
Part Fourteen : The World's... WORST?!? (Or, the Obligatory
Annoying New Character Bit)
####
He walked through the rain-swept streets of Nerima like a person
walking through the rain-swept streets of Nerima. He wasn't
competent enough to do something suitably dramatic.
He tried to shake off the water that was running down his collar
and failed. He tried to clean off the mud that had collected on the
hem of his tattered raincoat and failed. He tried to add two and two
and failed, but he'd come dangerously close to success.
That frightened him. He'd almost got four, and was barely able
to steer it to three. Must be using five too much.
Kenchuro Tojo was very careful never to succeed.
It was, after all, the core of his Martial Art.
And he was on the way to the Tendo Dojo, where he hoped to find
the most gloriously humiliating defeat of his career.
He wasn't aware that things never quite worked out the way they
were supposed to in Nerima.
####
As for the star of these chronicles, she was having a fight. Of
course, there's nothing unusual about that. The reason, however, was
peculiar even to her.
"Dammit, Mousse, this is stupid!"
"I will NEVER forgive you for this transgression against Shampoo,
Saotome!"
"WHAT transgression? Is it MY fault that Shampoo isn't
comfortable in jeans? Is it MY fault that I can wear them and she
can't?"
"Mousse no get jealous of Ranma! Shampoo no care if Ranma look
better in jeans!"
"HE HAS NO RIGHT TO LOOK BETTER THAN YOU IN ANYTHING!"
Just in case it hasn't occurred to any of the honored readers,
Mousse subscribed to very much the same school of logic as Ryoga
Hibiki and Tatewaki Kuno. Thus the following--
Shampoo had said, idly, that she wished she could wear jeans when
Ranma had dropped by for a snack and to pick up some notes on herbs
that Cologne had made for her Amazon training. Ranma had asked why
she couldn't, and Shampoo had replied that she never really felt
comfortable in pants that weren't light-- hence her usual silk
pantsuits.
Ranma had nodded, and Shampoo had joked that Ranma looked better
in jeans than she did anyhow. Mousse had heard this, and had
objected to the idea that ANYONE looked better than Shampoo in
ANYTHING.
Ranma had intended to stay out of the argument for once, but
Shampoo, annoyed at Mousse for interrupting, had gone on to say that
Ranma DID look MUCH better in jeans, and in fact jeans made Shampoo
look too wide in the bottom anyhow, and anyway it was none of
Mousse's business if Ranma had a better butt for jeans.
This led to the inevitable confrontation, consisting of Mousse
trying to kill Ranma for looking good in a pair of snug Levis, Ranma
trying very hard not to get killed by Mousse and also trying to keep
said Levis in one piece (They are quite expensive in Japan), and
Shampoo trying to wallop a infuriated Mousse.
Although Ranma couldn't for the life of her figure out how the
fight had moved to the Tendo courtyard. Except that fights did that
a lot.
"Is SHE right now, stupid Mousse! Shampoo's butt not Mousse's
concern anyhow! Shampoo proud of Ranma in jeans!"
"You ain't helpin', Shampoo!" yelled Ranma, tossing proper
ladylike grammar to the winds as she tended to do when attacked by
homicidal chainwielding semi-blind transducks.
This was, of course, pretty much the kind of scene that Akane
would walk in on. Nowadays, she tried to make sense of things before
assigning blame. It didn't always work.
After all, screams of "Die Saotome" and "It's not LIKE that!"
weren't unusual. In fact, she'd gotten inured to them, somewhat.
Counter-screams of "Ranma have BEST butt!" were somewhat less
explicable.
"What is going ON here?" demanded Akane.
"Stupid Mousse not accept that Ranma have better butt than
Shampoo!"
"It's a lie! No butt is nicer than Shampoo's, and I will punish
this worm for saying so!"
"I NEVER said that! SHE said that! I don't boast about my
butt!"
"Ranma should! Have great butt in both forms!"
"YOU AIN'T HELPING!"
"What are you talking about, Shampoo?" asked a now completely
befuddled Akane.
"Girl-type Ranma have best butt! So do boy-type!"
"Are there no end to your perversions, Saotome?" demanded Mousse.
"Now you have her convinced that your male butt is better than hers
also!"
"Shampoo not talk about HER butt with boy-type! Talk about
stupid MOUSSE'S butt!"
"YOU DARE CLAIM TO HAVE A NICER BUTT THAN ME? DIE, SAOTOME!"
"YOU REALLY AIN'T HELPING, SHAMPOO!"
Not too long ago, Akane would have assumed that this was Ranma's
fault. She knew that it wasn't always the case now. It was just one
of those things.
One of those things that only happened, it seemed, to Ranma.
Although butt arguments weren't something that leapt to mind as a
reason for a fight. Then again, this WAS Nerima, and it WAS Ranma,
who attracted fights the way a car accident attracted cheap lawyers.
"Oh... Well, when you're done with Mousse, can you help me with
my Home Ec homework? I have to make a bento for tomorrow's test."
"So do I-- if I can keep duck-boy from wrecking these jeans!
Dammit, they're borrowed!"
(So, that's what's taking her so long,) mused Akane. "Oh, well,
I'll be back in a second."
"Liar! You fear me, that's why you're dodging my blows!"
"Fear you? Not likely! These are Nabiki's jeans, and I don't
wanna have to pay for them!"
"What a pitiful excuse for quack!"
Akane stood in the doorway with her now empty bucket. "Shampoo,
would you take Mousse home until he calms down?"
"Shampoo glad to. Come on, stupid duck."
"Quack! Quack quack qu-quack!"
As the two Amazon teens (or rather, one Amazon and a Peking Duck)
left, Akane asked, curiously, "I don't suppose you can explain what
THAT was all about?"
"No. You don't. I can't. 'Cause I'm not really certain
myself."
####
Kenchuro Tojo approached the Tendo residence, and peered at the
sign that requested challengers to the Dojo to knock at the back
door. He wasn't trying to challenge the dojo as such-- just one
person in it-- so Kenchuro decided to announce his presence in
another fashion.
First, he set up a small but quite colorful remote controlled
fireworks display. He then changed into his fighting uniform and
pulled out a bullhorn.
"ATTENTION TENDO DOJO! I WISH TO CHALLENGE THE REDOUBTABLE RANMA
SAOTOME TO A BOUT! IN HONOR OF THIS MATCH, I WILL SING 'THE YELLOW
ROSE OF TEXAS' IN LITHUANIAN WHILE DOING AN IRISH JIG!"
This was, of course, completely the wrong way to go about issuing
a challenge. Especially at three o'clock in the morning.
After setting off the fireworks, which for some reason made a
picture of a potato, Kenchuro went into his performance. He sang off
key, used the wrong tune, and mistranslated the lyrics anyway. What
he called an Irish Jig was closer to Appalachian Clog Dancing, and
didn't look right in what he considered a fighting outfit.
Ranma, thankful that this was a night she could wear pajamas,
dragged on a robe and went downstairs to see what the hell was going
on, followed by the rest of the household. Excepting Genma, who
could sleep through the end of the world if he wasn't being directly
attacked or offered food.
She opened the door and stared at what seemed to be someone in a
pink gorilla outfit having some sort of spasm.
"Not happening. Dream. Gotta be. Too stupid not to be." She
turned to drag herself back to her waiting, friendly futon.
"Hey, where are you going? I haven't finished my challenge
ritual yet!" complained the pink gorilla.
"Like Ranma said," muttered Nabiki. "We're going back to bed,
mister stupid dream. And that's the tune to the William Tell
Overture anyhow."
"Hey, wait-- aren't you going to respond to my challenge with a
flurry of athletic violence?"
"Don't have to," yawned Akane. "Neighbors'll do jus' fine."
Without a further word, the assembled Tendos and Saotomes went back
to bed.
Kenchuro stared in shock. Normally, his patented ritual would
start a fight right then and there.
As the neighbors suddenly descended on him with various kitchen
tools and implements of damage, he realized that it had PARTLY
worked.
####
"Damn, what a weird dream I had last night." Ranma yawned at the
breakfast table.
"Me too," nodded Nabiki.
"Oh, you also? Mine was very strange also. I don't often have
silly dreams, though."
Akane yawned herself. "Kasumi, it can't be anything like the one
I had about a pink gorilla."
There was a crack of chopsticks snapping all around as everyone
but Genma stared at Akane. Then a storm of questions.
"Dancing pink gorilla?"
"You call that dancing?"
"A fiery potato?"
"Oh, man, it WASN'T a dream," sighed Ranma. "There's a new idiot
in town."
Nodoka stared at her daughter/son. "Ranma, someone like that is
something beyond idiot. That person had to be stranger than that
Tsubasa boy or your principal."
"I don't suppose you remember doing anything to get a pink
gorilla angry at you, do you?' asked Nabiki, wondering what sort of
odds to set-- or if anyone would bother betting on this.
"I don't remember a pink gorilla period. I'm pretty certain
there's no Spring of Drowned Talking Pink Gorilla at Jyusenkyo. I
have seen some pretty weird things, but that was the all time top
contender."
"It isn't your fault, Ranma. I know it isn't," decided Akane.
"Something that silly can't be ANYONES fault. Dancing pink gorillas
challenging you to a fight at three AM is too stupid for anyone."
"Can't see how I missed that one," mumbled Genma from around a
mouthful of pickled turnips. "Was it a good fight, at least?"
"I didn't fight it, I just went back to bed. I wonder who--"
Genma choked for a moment, and then coughed up the pickle.
"You-- you refused a challenge?"
"Challenge my butt! I thought it was a really stupid dream!"
"Even in your dreams, boy--"
"Girl," corrected Nodoka.
"Whatever! You NEVER refuse a challenge!"
"Dancing pink gorillas with bad singing voices and vegetable
themed fireworks displays does not constitute a challenge, pops!
Especially not at three o'clock in the morning on a school night! If
you want a fight, YOU accept the challenge, a panda and a gorilla
would make a perfect match!"
"I'd pay to see that," Akane murmured.
"I'd sell tickets to it," added Nabiki.
"Oh, my... if Gorilla-san comes back and presents a proper
challenge... I shall have to get some bananas in case," Kasumi
decided.
Soun sat quietly, so confused by the discovery that last night's
dream hadn't been one he neglected to weep.
And Nodoka realized that the probability of her ever really
catching up to the strangeness that permeated Ranma's life was
growing more and more infinitesimal day by day...
####
Ranma had one of her bad feelings on the way to school that
morning. As she glided along the fencerail, Akane following closely,
she was keeping an eye out for pink gorillas.
Thus, she failed at first to see Kuno preparing yet another
monument to Romance and Stupidity.
"Ranma, what do you think that is?" Akane inquired, pointing at a
large tarpaulin covered object.
"Search me. Could be anything. Maybe it's a hidden gorilla.
Think we should check it out?"
"Um... no?"
"Good answer. Probably the loony principal's latest idea."
"What makes you say that?"
Ranma pointed to a packing crate that read "Hawaii". "Feminine
intuition?"
"Very cute. Well, lets get to class."
####
Tatewaki Kuno grinned, knowing that his heartfelt tribute to the
beauty and charm of his twin loves would surely win them to his side
and away from the foul blandishments of the sorcerer Saotome.
Blandishments. He liked that word. It had a majestic ring to
it.
He wasn't exactly certain what it meant, but it had a majestic
ring.
At lunchtime, his destiny would be assured.
For once, he was right.
####
The Helpers and their charge (Ranma) were performing the usual
swap unusual varieties of food game that they had gotten into the
habit of playing at lunch. Even the non-martial artists were
performing, trying to bring something unusual to trade. So as
Hiroshi produced some American style spare-ribs left over from the
previous evening (his father had discovered the wonders of the
barbecue) and Daisuke supplied extra hot korean-style pickled cabbage
(You know, kimchi), Sayuri had made genuine lemonade and Yuka was
shaking a oversize thermos of hot rice chowder.
The simple bento box of rice, pickles, and some leftover fish
that was traditional was for this gang way in the past.
Speaking of rice, Akane had finally mastered that particular
staple. In fact, she had bought three extra boxes of it. (Quality
she'd mastered. Quantity she had yet to get a handle on, and
accidentally made either twice as much as needed or half as much as
necessary. Kasumi quietly took care of half as much, and with Ranma
and Genma, no-one ever noticed twice as much.)
"This rice yellow," Shampoo said doubtfully.
"Hey, it's something Akane discovered by accident, but it's
pretty good. She added a bouillon cube." Ranma returned to her
yellowish rice.
"It was a lucky accident, really," Akane added. "A couple fell
in the water, but it makes a nice chicken flavor. Just for a
change."
"Isn't a bad taste, sugar. A bit different, but not bad," Ukyo
noted. It made perfect sense to her that Akane would cook something
new, different, and tasty by accident.
"What's that big thing under the canvas?" wondered Yuka.
"Ranma figures it's something from the principal, because of the
crates from Hawaii," replied Akane.
"But isn't the idiot still laid up with that broken ankle?"
Ranma shrugged. "I thought so too, but who else has access to
Hawaiian stuff? Only him and... Akane, did you notice we didn't get
hassled by Kuno this morning?"
Akane went a bit blue in the face. "Oh, no... it can't be
anything like that stunt with the flowers, can it?"
"We ARE talking about Tatewaki Kuno, the Chartreuse Flatulence of
Furinkan High," Ranma replied.
"Chartreuse... snicker... heehehehe..." Akane began to redefine
giggle. After a second the rest followed except for Shampoo, who
looked slightly blank.
"Shampoo not know those words?"
"Chartreuse is a sort of a blue-green, and flatulence, is, well,
you know, gas?" Ukyo tried to explain from in between chuckles.
"Gas?"
Yuka blushed. "Hai... you know, personal gas."
Shampoo looked blank.
"Like from a lot of beans," Daisuke supplied helpfully, to be
elbowed by Hiroshi.
Shampoo paused. "Oh. Shampoo understand. Excuse Shampoo."
The group watched as Shampoo walked over to Kuno, who was
directing various Kendo club members in final preparation of his
grand tribute.
"Shampoo have question for stick-boy."
Kuno scowled. "The Chinese girl. My name is not, as you so
wrongly term it, Stick-boy. But if you desire the fruits of my
erudition, it is only meet that I grant you the solace of improving
your limited knowledge."
"Not want fruit. Want ask question."
Kuno sighed. "Very well, ask away."
"Stick-boy called Blue Thunder sometimes, right?"
"I have, at certain moments, indeed been known by that most
descriptive cognomen."
"That mean you called Blue Thunder sometimes?"
"Yes."
"Why you change to Green Fart? Not sound as good."
The sound of the crickets was positively deafening.
Kuno was so stunned at the question he forgot to unveil his
tribute...
####
Kenchuro made his way to the ground of Furinkan High, where he'd
been informed that many skilled martial artists attended classes.
Perhaps there he would find the notorious Ranma, as well as others to
assist in his plan to create the ultimate martial art.
Deciding that the gorilla suit, usually his favorite, had not
performed properly, he now chose one of his other alternate outfits.
Hiroshi turned at a tap on the shoulder to stare in sheer
disbelief at what appeared to be a person wearing full lime green
SCUBA gear with a electric punk tutu over it. And Deely-boppers on
the hood.
"Excuse me," the apparition asked, "Can you direct me to the
martial artist known as Ranma Saotome?"
"Ranma?"
"Yes, I intend to challenge him to a bout."
Hiroshi shook his head. "Dressed like that?"
"Yes, he apparently didn't respect my pink gorilla suit."
"I can't imagine why. Anyhow, right now he's a she-- and at
least for two weeks more, I think. But you can meet her after class,
I guess. Or any of the others also."
"Others, yes. Can you tell me anything about them?"
"Well, there's Akane, she's pretty good-- Ranma's student, I
hear. Then there's Ukyo Kuonji, she's the girl who looks like a boy,
which isn't the same as Ranma who looks like a girl because she IS a
girl even if she's really a boy. And then there's Shampoo, who looks
like a girl because she really is a girl, and then there's Tatewaki
Kuno, the Green Fart. He used to be called the Blue Thunder, but he
changed his name. Oh, and Mousse or Ryoga might show up at any time,
but you can't count on them."
Kenchuro blinked audibly. "I... see." Such a strange sounding
group-- could some of them also be on the path of failure? Could
others have seen his great insight?
"Anyway, lunch breaks over almost, so I have to get back to
class. Excuse me." Hiroshi bowed politely to the apparent lunatic
and left, thinking, (Ranma has GOT to hear about THIS guy.)
Kenchuro sat, to wait. For those plan to fail, patience is every
bit as important as it is to those who plan to succeed.
####
Hinako Ninomiya stared out the window at a sight that even she
found difficult to credit. And being a reasonably intelligent
person, decided to ask the one possible source of information she
knew of that could possibly explain such a thing.
"Ranma, could you come here and tell me what that thing is on the
lawn?"
Ranma joined the diminutive teacher at the window, peered
carefully, thought a while, peered again, and replied, "You got me.
Looks like a scuba diver in a tutu, but it can't be that, can it?"
Silence.
"Yeah, right. This IS Nerima. Maybe that guy knows the pink
gorilla."
"At any rate, we should begin class now... back to your seats,
everyone. Now, page 147, please..."
####
Scuba gear in warm weather is not comfortable.
####
In Japanese schools, rather than change rooms for different
classes, the students stay in the same room and the teachers move
about. There's a roughly ten minute period between classes, during
which students chat, talk, prepare for the next class, adjust hair,
play short games, and in Furinkan, sometimes fight, eat, or (in
Ranma's case) catch a quick catnap.
Well, not catnap, but just nap. Ranma had her standards.
The history teacher entered, and paused as he adjusted the
windowshades to his liking. "Miss Saotome, could you tell me what
that is out on the lawn?"
"Search me. I don't know anything about it."
"Um, Ranma," Hiroshi said, "I might..."
####
Actually, it's more than merely uncomfortable.
####
By now, between classes rituals were dropped in favor of staring
at the oddly dressed figure on the lawn.
"Like I said, he was asking about you and the other martial
artists."
"You're sure he said gorilla suit, Hiro?" Ranma was getting one
of her patented bad feelings.
"Yep. So, you think this is the weirdo you mentioned from last
night?"
"Has to be. But how does he expect to fight in a getup like
that?"
Akane gazed out the window in awe. "I don't know, but he must be
pretty tough to sit there in that SCUBA suit in this hot weather.
Don't take him too lightly, Ranma."
"I don't intend to."
####
In fact, it can be positively hellish. It's like wearing a sauna
glued to your skin that you can't leave.
####
"Well, I'm just glad we didn't have PE today. Anyone who's
willing to fight in an outfit like that has got to be tough. Not
that I can't take him, of course, but still..."
"Such ladylike humility," quipped Akane.
"What ladylike? I'm a tomboy, and darn proud of it." Ranma
tossed her head, grinning.
"What humility, you mean," Ukyo teased.
Akane shook her head. No matter what else might have changed,
Ranma's ego was still as intact as ever. Oddly, she didn't think
she'd really want that part to change. Well, not very much.
"Anyhow, I suppose I'd better find out what this fellow wants,"
Ranma added.
"I told you, he wants a fight," interjected Hiroshi.
"Yeah, but what kind? Some weird underwater ballet fu? It's
definitely not a normal fighting style..."
As Ranma approached the strange figure, she decided that anything
was possible.
Better be prepared for anything.
"So... you're issuing a challenge?" she asked the oddly clad
figure.
The challenger looked vaguely in her direction. His SCUBA mask
had fogged over, and his breathing was ragged. Three hours in the
hot sun in a full body neoprene wetsuit isn't, as noted above,
exactly conducive to personal comfort. Kenchuro was half-steamed--
not in anger, but in cooking terms.
"After I fall down for a while, miss."
Which he did.
Ranma gazed upon the prone figure for a moment, and then
shrugged. "Akane, give me a hand with taking this goof to the
nurses' office, 'kay? I GOT to hear his story..."
####
"Heat exhaustion. What with a 20 kilogram SCUBA tank on his back
and this tutu adding an extra layer of insulation to full body
neoprene, it's a miracle he's this well. I don't suppose that any of
you have any idea why he's dressed like this?"
Ranma nodded at the nurse. "Hai, he's a loony."
"That judgment may be a bit premature, Miss Saotome," the nurse
chided.
"Bets?" As Ranma explained the events of the previous night to
the nurse, she began to twitch slightly around the eye.
"All right, he IS a loony. Not that is new to this ward or
school... well, help me get this off him, please."
As Ranma helped the nurse undress the unconscious challenger
(Being the only girl there who was completely at ease with such an
action, she was alone with the nurse and the patient), the
strangeness of the situation began to get stranger.
"A tattoo reading 'My other fish is a coyote'? What is that
supposed to mean?"
"I don't know, Nurse. What are you staring at now?"
"His... undergarments. They are... eccentric."
"Oh? How so?"
"They seem to be half a pair of boxers sewn to half a pair of
bikini-style panties. Blue ones with lace."
"Blue lace panties?"
"The boxers, actually. The panties seem to be made out of
denim."
Ranma shuddered at the discomfort inherent in denim panties.
"What is WRONG with this guy?"
"As you so accurately diagnosed, Miss Saotome, he's a loony. Ah,
a wallet-- there's a card in here."
"What does it say?"
"In case of emergency, eat a live chicken and then dance the
lambada."
"This goes beyond being a loony. We are in total maniac area
here."
"I'm not a loony," the patient said weakly. "I'm a martial
artist."
"Yeah, right. What kind of martial arts is this idiocy supposed
to be in aid of?" asked Ranma, scornfully.
"Baka-ken."
Silence.
Then, "Baka-ken? Idiot Fist? What the hell kind of martial art
is THAT?" Ranma was downright offended.
"Brilliant stylistic conceptualization... greatest idea in the
martial arts ever... I'm the originator and only practitioner."
"Only practitioner I can believe. What are you trying to do with
gorilla suits and aquatic tutus?"
"I'm trying to become the greatest martial artist on Earth."
"And how is all this stupidity going to do that?" asked the
trainee girl, for a moment genuinely curious.
"By helping me to become the WORST martial artist on Earth."
Outside the clinic door, Akane, Ukyo, Shampoo, Hiroshi, Daisuke,
Yuka, and Sayuri all facefaulted from where they were eavesdropping.
So did the nurse. As for Ranma, she just stood very still, and then
said the only thing she could.
"You ARE a loony."
####
"What a freak."
For once, that comment hadn't come from Ranma, but Akane. As she
idly balanced on the fencerail (what had been a trial was not almost
second nature to her) she mused on the apparently insane Kenchuro
Tojo.
"He must have some idea. I can't figure out what the hell it
could be, but he must have some idea. Some trick, or plan, or... he
can't actually MEAN it the way he SAID it, could he?" grumbled Ranma.
"I mean, that's just plain stupid. More than stupid. Loony."
"You've pointed that out more than once, Ranma."
"Well... It IS loony. The looniest thing I ever heard of,
INCLUDING anything that Pop ever thought up. It's super loony. It's
ultra loony. It's--"
"It is not loony. It's sheer brilliance."
Once again, the possible loony in question had arrived, this time
dressed in a nearly perfect replica of the sort of idealized version
of the all around Renaissance Man costume from the Monty Python's
Flying Circus sketch about the sinking ship. Ranma, having never
seen the program in question, simply shrugged, and said, "Is TOO
loony. You make Kodachi look sane, and that's saying a lot."
"I don't know who that is, but the Baka-ken is not loony! It is
a new and innovative path to mastery of the mind, heart, body and
spirit!"
"It is a new and innovative path to looniness, you mean." It was
apparent that on this particular subject, Ranma's mind was made up.
Then again, so was the minds of nearly every other martial artist at
Furinkan, most of the non-martial artists, and the lady who sold
sandwiches at lunch. Kenchuro's outfit was pretty convincing on that
bit.
"Just because you can't see the sheer magnificence of my path
doesn't make it loony!" Kenchuro protested. "They laughed at
Fernbeister, you know!"
"Who?"
"Emilio Fernbeister, the inventor of the solar powered
flashlight!"
Akane paused. "Um... wouldn't a solar powered flashlight only
work during the daytime?"
Kenchuro hesitated, and replied, "All right, bad example. How
about Mao Khu Leng?"
Ranma thought a moment. "Oh, yeah. Cologne was telling me about
him. Worst alchemist in Chinese history. Tried to create an
invincible army out of candied yams. Died when attacked by a horde
of starving peasants in the Leung dynasty."
"Emperor Norton?"
"Who?"
Pause. "Never mind. But it's still not loony!"
"Well, let's get a second opinion. Follow us." (Pops has GOTTA
meet this guy...)
####
Say what you will about Genma Saotome, there was one thing that
could be held to his credit. He was an excellent teacher of the Art.
When he wasn't doing something extremely stupid, that is.
"Let me see... so your idea is to become the world's worst
possible martial artist while still technically BEING a martial
artist, and there by passing straight through pathetic inadequacy
through to the other side, becoming in a flash the greatest martial
artist that the world has ever known?"
"Exactly! Finally, someone who understands!"
Genma paused, looked at his friend Soun, and sighed. "Ranma's
right. You're a loony."
Soun nodded. "Cracked. Demented. A few grains short of a full
rice bowl."
"Yup, your record's skipped a groove all right," Nabiki added
cheerfully.
"Would you like some more tea, Loony-san?" asked Kasumi, as even
she couldn't deny the fact that Kenchuro wasn't firing on all
cylinders.
"I AM NOT A LOONY!" the loony protested. "I'M JUST
MISUNDERSTOOD!"
"You're perfectly understood. We all understand that you're a
loony," Ranma retorted.
"My path is perfectly philosophically sound!"
"Your path includes gorilla suits, obscure dances, and
hermaphroditic underwear," replied Nabiki. "What does that have to
do with anything?"
"By idiocy I can become wise! The path of success through
failure applies to all areas of life except making grilled cheese
sandwiches!"
Silence.
Then, Ranma said, "I ain't gonna ask."
"Well, I am," Nabiki said. "Why grilled cheese sandwiches?"
"I like them."
Nabiki looked nonplussed at this simple answer.
"Anyhow, lad," Genma suggested, "You may wish to rethink your
plans. Even if they did work it would make no sense to challenge my
son--"
"Daughter," Nodoka put in.
"WhatEVER, Nodoka. The point is, if you are trying to be the
worst martial artist in history, what would challenging Ranma prove?"
"Because he's supposed to be a really lousy martial artist
himself as well as a crossdresser."
"Crossdresser I can see-- it's not accurate, but I can understand
where that idea could happen. But where did you get the idea that he
was a bad fighter?" Nabiki asked in genuine confusion, while Ranma
blinked and began to fume at the insult.
"That's what the Chinese guy said."
"WHAT Chinese guy?" snarled Ranma.
"The one wearing pantyhose around his neck. As soon as I saw
that, I knew he was on the same path as I was, but not as advanced."
"Is he by any chance in the area?" Ranma was about to grab her
leathers and kill a certain yak-boy.
"No, he was in Hokkaido catching a freighter to Antarctica to get
his name changed. I don't know why he'd want to go there, but..."
"I'll beat him later, then," Ranma growled. "Pantyhose Taro no
Baka."
"Well, I'm sorry to disillusion you," Akane added, "But Ranma
isn't a bad fighter after all. In fact, she's, well, good."
"But he is a crossdresser?"
"No, he's a girl. I mean she's a girl. For the moment. Never
mind, it's too hard to explain," Akane sighed. She really didn't
want to get into an explanation of Ranma's curse with the loony.
Kenchuro paused, and then grinned wildly. "Oh, Jyusenkyo!"
"What? You know about the Cursed Pools?" Soun asked, surprised.
"Oh, sure. Tried to go there to train once."
"Ah, but the guide managed to explain about the curses
beforehand, and you at least escaped their horror," Genma said,
sagely.
"No, actually, I was hoping to get cursed, but the Amazons
wouldn't let me into the grounds. Something about my being a
chu-loofa, whatever that is."
"A... what?" Genma asked.
"Chu-loofa. Another thing I picked up from Cologne in my Amazon
lessons," Ranma said sourly. "It's not proper Chinese, but an
obscure slang term in the Jokuzetsu dialect."
"Ah. And what does it mean, Ranma?"
"Loony."
"Will you stop calling me a loony, please?" Kenchuro begged,
aggrieved.
"No problem, chu-loofa," Ranma smirked.
"Argh."
"Ranma, don't tease the loony," Akane scolded.
"THAT'S an improvement?" Kenchuro whined.
"Anyhow, you can see what I mean, Pops. No WAY can you say THIS
is a valid challenge," Ranma said confidently.
"I am forced to agree, Ranma. Kenchuro-san, I'm sorry, but for
the sake of the self respect of the Saotome School of Anything-Goes
Martial Arts, my so-- ah, child cannot accept your, ah, challenge.
It is obvious that to enter into combat with you would be a shameful
abuse of the Art."
"But... but... where's my brilliant defeat? Where's my
humiliating failure? How can I possibly perfect my new style?"
Nabiki smiled. "Actually, for a mere ten thousand yen, I can
tell you how to turn this into your greatest defeat ever..."
####
And so it was that Kenchuro resumed his drive into mediocrity
with a happy heart, secure in the knowledge that he was so pathetic
that his challenge had been refused by a person known to never refuse
a challenge on the grounds that he was a loony. Indeed, he had been
effectively defeated without even being touched at all. And better,
he'd been defeated by a girl.
####
The next morning, Ranma and Akane arrived at school to see an
infuriated Kuno yelling at the Kendo Club. "There was no need to
change the banners in the practice hall! How could you possibly
believe such calumny in the first instance?"
"But everyone says--"
"What care I, Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder-- and it IS Blue
Thunder, curse it-- for what the rabble proclaims in it's ignorance?"
"I dunno," one club member mused, "Green Fart has a ring to
it..."
An enraged Kuno began to chase the offending kendoist, once again
forgetting to unveil his tribute.
####
Author's Notes--
The most hated thing in Ranma fanfics is the ANC, or Annoying New
Character, which is usually (If not always) an author avatar with
positively obscene martial arts abilities as well as psionics, magic,
and a golf bag full of magical weaponry. The idea that a BAD martial
artist would arrive is, as far as I know, something of a new one.
And just in case anyone was wondering, Kenchuro IS a loony.