[Ranma][FanFic] The Adventures of Lost Girl, Darth Mousse, and Some Asshole, Part 2
Hunter Kid
Tatewaki Kuno was returning from his daily smiting of the
other members of Furinkan High School's kendo team. He was
in good spirits despite the light rain, and thinking about
stopping for a watermelon or five. Ever since that vile
sorcerer Saotome and his sinister compatriots had fled the
city eight months ago, Kuno had returned to his former,
proper domination of the high school. The pigtailed girl
had unaccountably vanished, as well, but Kuno was
sufficiently fickle that his obsession with her shifted
over to Akane Tendo within the space of two days.
Akane Tendo, that vision of loveliness and strength, still
played coy with him yet, but he knew he would have her in
the end.
He lifted his eyes, and, as if summoned by his desperate
longing for her, he beheld Akane, walking down the street
toward him, a happy smile on her face.
"Akane Tendo!" he greeted her, trying without much success
to control his exuberance at seeing her again. He broke
into a gleeful run. "I WOULD DATE WITH YOU, AKANE
TENDO!!!"
Akane's eyes sparkled when she looked at him. "Oh, like,
hey, Kuno!" she called out, giggling. "Ohmygawd, you look,
like, _totally_ hot in that skirt!"
Kuno coughed. "It is a hakama, I would have you know."
She rolled her eyes. "Like, what_ever_!" She twirled her
hair, smiling at him vacantly. "So, like, you said you
want to date me?"
He gloated as he looked at her, a confident playboy's smile
breaking out on his face. At last! "Heh. It would be my
great honor to date you, Akane Ten-!"
Ranma landed on his head, sending him toppling face-first
onto the concrete. "What's up, fuckface?" the vile
sorcerer greeted him, a sinister smile on his evil features.
Kuno climbed to his feet with a huff, staring arrogantly
down at the shorter boy. "Ranma Saotome," he said, drawing
out the name like a curse. "I see you have dared to return
at last."
"Ohmygawd, like, hey there, Ranma," Akane said, giggling
and smiling suggestively at him.
Two people Kuno didn't know appeared behind Ranma. One was
a very attractive girl in slightly oversized clothing with
a bandanna in her hair, and the other was a nine-foot-tall
armored monster with brightly glowing eyes.
The girl looked relieved. "Akane! Thank God we found
you," she huffed. She stared at Ranma irately.
Kuno scowled at the two new arrivals. Accursed minions of
the demon Saotome, no doubt. "And who are you, to treat
with Akane in such a familiar manner?" he demanded, holding
his bokken before him threateningly.
"I'm, uh, Ryo...ko...someone, never mind," the girl
grumbled. She pointed her finger at Kuno's posturing form.
"Never mind that! We're here for Akane. Move it or you'll
get hurt."
"Feh!" Kuno chortled. "Very well. I accept your challenge,
bandanna-girl!" He thought for a second, then added: "If
you win, I shall permit you to date with me!"
"She does not want to date you, human," the armored monster
boomed at him informatively.
"And what would _you_ know of such things, demon?" Kuno
demanded, his knuckles going white on his bokken. "Enough
talk! Now we fight!"
You have to give Kuno credit. Not too many people would
see a huge armored monster armed with deadly psionic blades
and think, _I should really challenge that thing to a
duel._
After Kuno completed issuing his challenge, it took exactly
0.5 seconds for him to be annihilated and knocked out cold
by Ukyou the Zealot's devastating rush.
Ukyou's eyes gleamed. "You know, I could get used to
this."
Ryoga reached into her pack, and pulled out the last vial
of Spring of Drowned Zealot water. She faced Ranma, who
was glaring at her angrily.
She smiled at him. "C'mere, asshole."
He snickered. "Fuck you, bitch." He immediately put Akane
into a headlock. "Don't come any closer with that or the
valley girl gets it!" he warned, removing a vial of Spring
of Drowned Orangutan and waving it around threateningly.
Ukyou the Zealot gasped in dismay. "You wouldn't!" she
thundered, pointing at Ranma with a shaking finger. "Ran-
chan, taking a hostage to avoid a fight! What an
_asshole_!"
"Eeek!" Akane whimpered helplessly. "Like, please don't
hurt me! Ohmygawd, I'm, like, too _pretty_ to die!!"
Ryoga snorted. "Due to all the training I've had with my
bandannas, you should know better than anyone, Ranma..."
She spun the vial deftly between her fingers. "I never
miss!"
Ryoga _would_ have been right, except that Ranma pulled a
White Snake Venom Reliable Fist at the last second,
vanishing and causing Akane to lurch forward and land flat
on her face, so the vial spilled its contents all over
Kuno's prone form, instead. "Shit!" Ryoga cursed, as her
back received a vicious pummeling. She crashed to the
ground, then leapt up again just in time to avoid the vial
of Spring of Drowned Orangutan water, which shattered on
the ground next to her.
"Curse you, Ranma!" Ryoga bellowed, before being tossed
aside effortlessly by a rampaging Kuno Zealot, who was
roaring "MY LIFE FOR AIUR!" while beating Ranma to a pulp.
"ENOUGH!" Ukyou boomed, removing Ranma from Kuno's grasp.
"You will not abuse my Ran-chan like that, Kuno!"
"Fuck you all," Ranma groaned, sliding bonelessly to the
ground.
Kuno and Ukyou met in a whirlwind of flashing psi blades
and declarations of "FOR ADUN!", "DOOM TO ALL WHO THREATEN
THE HOMEWORLD!", "You hurt my Ran-chan!", and "HONOR GUIDE
ME!"
The rain stopped.
Ryoga sighed with relief, pulled out several thermoses of
hot water, and tossed them at the dueling zealots, at which
point the duel just devolved into a mindless brawl.
-*-
"So," Ranma said, lying on the ground, drained.
Ryoga, male again, stared at him balefully. "So." He was
propped up against the fence, breathing raggedly.
"We definitely need to do something about your curse, Ran-
chan," Ukyou said. Akane nodded. "Agreed." The two of
them were also slumped against the fence, occasionally
shooting resentful glares in each other's general direction.
"Ukyou Kuonji," Kuno's battered form croaked, sprawled out
on top of the fence. "You have...defeated me...I would
date with you..."
Ryoga rummaged through his pack. "You can take your pick,
Ranma. But you really have got to change."
Ranma ran his hand through his hair. "But...I mean, bein'
an asshole isn't all that bad..."
"You just tried to take Akane hostage," Ryoga reminded him
sourly. "And then you tried to turn me into an orangutan.
Plus you've used that stupid Snake Venom Fist or whatever
on me _three times_ today and my back feels like it has
been crushed by a bulldozer. YOU'RE CHANGING YOUR CURSE."
"Okay, okay, jeez," Ranma grumbled. "Well...how about
Spring of Drowned Life-Size Darth Vader Poster?" he asked
hopefully. "Mousse seems to like that pretty well..."
"You don't have any of that, remember?" Ukyou said, taking
turns glaring at the two boys, and then over at Akane. "Or
Asshole water. Or Drowned Girl water. Which is why I
can't be cured."
The three of them were silent for a minute, watching Ryoga
go through his voluminous pack. He seemed to be getting
more and more agitated.
At length, Ryoga said flatly, "It's all gone."
Akane looked into the pack. "What do you mean, all gone?"
"I think when we all fell on top of each other and Akane
got cursed with the valley girl water, most of the vials
broke. All that's in here now is broken glass, a small
puddle of water that contains God knows how many curses,
and this last vial here..." He pulled it out, looking at
it bitterly.
Ukyou stared at the writing on the side of the vial.
"That's...that's Spring of Drowned Girl water! You _did_
bring some back!"
"No!" Akane gasped, looking frantically through the pack.
"You can't mean..."
"Yes," Ryoga confirmed, lying down on the pavement,
exhausted. "Asshole Ranma is here to stay."
"Aw, c'mon, guys, it ain't that bad," Ranma attempted to
reassure them, looking embarrassed. "I mean, I think I
can-"
He was interrupted by a car speeding along too close to the
curb, which sprayed rainwater all over him and Ryoga.
Ryoga clenched her dripping fists. "Life isn't fair."
"Why don't you fucking whine about it some more, you stupid
whore," Ranma sneered, without the energy to get up from
the pavement.
Ryoga didn't manage to get up, either. "I hate you,
Ranma."
-*-
After an hour-long ordeal to de-assholize Ranma, the four
of them walked (very slowly) to the Ucchan, where Ukyou
somehow found herself staring at the other three from
behind the counter. Ranma and Ryoga both grinned at her
expectantly. Akane looked vaguely angry.
Ukyou resigned herself to the inevitable and began to
prepare some okonomiyaki batter.
"So," Akane said, breaking the ice. "About that Spring of
Drowned Girl water."
Ryoga held the vial between his thumb and forefinger.
"There's only enough here for one person. Who should we
use it on, Akane or Ukyou?" He glared at Ranma. "Or
Ranma?"
"Hey, now I am _not_-"
"Ranma might be the best choice," Ukyou broke in
thoughtfully. "I mean, I don't know about Akane, but I
kind of enjoy turning into a nine-foot-tall bad-ass. And
let's face it, having Asshole Ranma around is about as much
fun as dueling a rampaging ultralisk."
Ranma looked confused. "What...?"
"'Ultralisk?'" Ryoga repeated, puzzled.
Akane shuddered. "Look, as bad as Asshole Ranma may be, I
really didn't like turning into a valley girl." She fixed
Ukyou with a dark stare. "Have you ever felt like all your
brains had suddenly turned to mush and leaked out of your
ears?"
"Look," Ranma interjected, annoyed, "I am _not_ going back
to turnin' into a girl, you hear me? And anyway, that
water should be used to cure one of you two girls. It's
stupid to waste it on me."
"We could vote on it," Ukyou suggested reasonably, dumping
the batter on the hot grill. Ukyou looked at the vial more
closely. "Are you _sure_ that's Drowned Girl water, Ryoga?
Move your thumb. I can't see all of the writing on there."
"Say what-?"
The wall exploded.
"RANMA SAOTOME." A menacing figure in a leather jacket,
camouflage pants, and combat boots stood in the newly
formed doorway.
"Who are you?" Ukyou demanded. "And why did you kick a
giant hole in my wall, when the door is literally four feet
away??"
"I apologize, ma'am," the menacing figure growled, stalking
towards Ranma, his face twisted with rage. "I was too
intent on getting my revenge on Ranma Saotome, who took
_everything_ from me, destroyed my life, destroyed my
reason for living, and never gave it so much as a second
thought!"
"Good to see you too, Ryu," Ranma greeted him. "Everyone,
this is Ryu Kumon. Ryu Kumon, everyone."
"This is not the time for your pleasantries, Ranma
Saotome," Ryu snarled. "You took the Thousand Mountain
Fist techniques from me and made me seal up the
scroll...yet just today I saw you fighting someone with the
Thousand Sea Fist technique, the White Snake Venom Reliable
Fist! You have violated our agreement!"
Ranma sighed. "Ryu...the agreement was that _you_ would
never use the Thousand Mountain Fist techniques again. I
won. I can do whatever I want." He grinned. "Anyway,
wasn't me you saw. That was just some asshole."
"Spare me your pitiful lies." Ryu twisted his body into a
crouch, his muscles tensed. "I am no longer bound by our
agreement! DIE, RANMA SAOTOME!!" He leveled a massive
punch at Ranma. "POISON SNAKE DEEP HOLE BLOW!" Ranma
ducked easily under the vicious attack, which instead
connected with the vial in Ryoga's hand, smashing it. The
contents sprayed all over Ranma.
"NOOOO!!!" Ranma howled, as his voice changed.
"Ran-chan!" Ukyou shouted, upending a cup of cold water on
herself and bounding over the counter as she transformed.
"Ranma, you-!" Ryu paused, staring at the enormous form
hurtling towards him for about a quarter-second before she
crashed into him, sending them both rolling towards the far
wall. Ryu somehow managed to disentangle himself from the
monster, then leapt away. He looked like someone trying
very hard not to panic. "DEMON GOD ASSAULT BOMB!" he
screamed, unleashing a massive crescent-shaped ki blast at
Ukyou.
Ukyou's eyes glowed as her invisible shields absorbed the
attack harmlessly.
Ryu stared. "Oh, shit."
Ukyou charged at him. He somehow managed to dodge her
first strike, and then sort of dodged the second one, but
she was much, much faster than he was and the third psi-
enhanced punch cracked him cleanly across the jaw. He
soared across the restaurant in a perfectly smooth arc and
landed head-first in Ryoga's pack.
"Feh," Ukyou snorted, drawing a glass of hot water from the
tap and pouring it on herself.
"Oh, shit," Ryoga said, staring in horror at Ryu's body.
"There's probably ten different kinds of cursed water in a
puddle in the bottom of that pack..."
Ranma bounded over to Ukyou happily and clung to Ukyou's
arm. "Ohmygawd, you like, _protected_ me, Ucchan, you're
like so totally cool 'n' stuff!"
Ukyou grinned at her. "Hey, no prob...lem...Ran-chan?" A
horrible suspicion dawned in Ukyou's mind. She bent down
to pick up the broken pieces of the vial that had cursed
Ranma. One fragment had 'Spring of Drowned' written on it,
another had 'Girl,' and the last fateful piece had
'Valley.' She groaned. "This isn't happening..."
Akane and Ryoga continued to stare at Ryu's twitching frame,
as he slowly got to his feet, and removed Ryoga's soaked
pack from his head.
He looked just like Akane.
"Spring of Drowned Japanese Tomboy," Ryoga mumbled
thoughtfully.
"You have got to be kidding me," Akane said.
Ryu-Akane closed her eyes and clenched her fists.
"Why...why do I feel this consuming desire to hit something
with a mallet?"
Akane looked embarrassed and dumped a glass of hot water on
Ryu-Akane. Instant Ryu.
"Enough of this!" Ryu growled. He raised his fist at Ranma,
who had undone her pigtail and was in the process of
elaborately fixing up her hair. "Ranma Saotome, you have
now ruined my life in yet _another_ way! Prepare
yourself!"
Ranma shrieked girlishly, throwing herself to the side in
terror. Ryu's furious leap missed Ranma by a considerable
margin, and he sailed outside through the giant hole he had
made in the wall, cursing. Akane looked after him out the
'door,' noticing that it had started raining again, and did
a double-take when an infuriated water buffalo charged back
through the hole.
Ukyou stared. "Wait...do you think...maybe he changes into
something _different_ every time he gets wet?" She poured
a glass of hot water on the angry water buffalo. Instant
Ryu.
"Curse you, Ranma Saotome," Ryu snarled. Before he could
attack, Ukyou poured a glass of cold water on him, and he
changed into a furious orangutan. Hot water. Instant Ryu.
Cold water. Eagle. Hot water. Ryu. Cold water. Gangsta.
Hot water. Ryu. Cold water. Akane.
"ENOUGH ALREADY!!" Ryu-Akane roared. She pointed her
finger vindictively at Ranma's whimpering form. "Mark my
words, Saotome. One day, I will find you when your
monstrous friend is not here to defend you. And that will
be the day you DIE!"
She looked around, bowed formally, then calmly strode out
the giant hole in the wall.
Thirty seconds and one cup of hot water later, Ranma was
staring down at his hands, repulsed and terrified. "This
can't be happening to me!" he wailed, punching several more
holes in the wall of Ukyou's already battered restaurant.
"Welcome to my hell, Ranma," Akane told him, deadpan.
-*-
Elsewhere, Jim Raynor and his rag-tag band of Protoss
warriors assembled on a hill overlooking Tokyo.
"I don't reckon Danimoth counted on there bein' a city
here," he said in his fringe-world drawl.
Mojo the Scout, who was short for a Protoss, barely over
seven feet tall, and not really a scout anymore, since he
had Recalled here without his scout ship, nodded to him.
"All we have are the coordinates and the time for
dimensional Recall, Raynor."
Jim nodded, staring out over the city. "Three more
days..."
Eight months and two weeks ago, fighting a desperate losing
battle against Kerrigan's Zerg armies, Jim had assembled a
group of twenty-four of his best warriors and fought his
way to the Shakuras's last functional warp gate. Twelve
made it there alive, including Mojo, who had barely
survived the loss of his ship, and one of his zealot
warriors had actually, through some horrible misfortune,
warped into the bottom of some kind of spring and drowned.
He also knew that Kerrigan would be hunting him, and could
calculate the destination of Shakuras's warp gate without
too much trouble. It would not be hard for her to figure
out a way to Recall her own soldiers in somehow, even
though they were thousands of light-years away, and, from
what Jim had read of Earth, most likely displaced in time
as well as space.
And what better time for her to ambush them when they were
preparing for dimensional Recall?
Three more days...
-*-
-*-
C&C welcomed, as always! I'd like to know what you think of this so
far. =)
- George/Hunter Kid
gth782m at mail dot gatech dot edu