[ranma][fanfic] Little Ducks

[Chris Schumacher]

Begin---> Little Ducks
!

Ranma 1/2 : Little Ducks

Ranma was worried.
This wasn't unusual, when you considered the sort of life that
Ranma had led. When he and his father weren't running away from angry
villagers, he was running away from the multitude of fiancees whom he
had acquired, or had acquired him. But this wasn't why he was worried.
Nor was it because there was a homicidal disgruntled teenager, who
turned into a pig every time he hit cold water, that really wanted him
dead. And it certainly wasn't because he had a D Average in school. He
actually took a special pride in that little feat. No, the reason he
was worried was because Nabiki wanted to see him.
Ranma shuddered as he recalled the incident that had transpired.
It had been a fairly normal day. It was lunchtime and Gosunkugi
was throwing fireballs at him with short brown staff that he had
acquired from the local Seven-Eleven the night before. It was then that
Nabiki walked out to where he was standing. She said, with a slight
smile and calm voice, that she wanted to see him after school in her
room.
After she left, everyone looked upon Ranma with pity, even Gosunkugi
felt sorry for him. But that didn't last long, and he burnt up Ranma's
good shirt. Ranma had changed his shirt since then, but his skin still
chaffed.
Ranma leaned against the wall and let out a long drawn out sigh.
He had been waiting for quite a while, he had discovered that someone
had been waiting for Ranma when he got home. The door to Nabiki's room
opened and a salaryman came out, weeping. Nabiki followed behind closely
and patted him on the shoulder.
'Don't worry,' she said. 'It's only a few thousand yen a month. And
that's a small enough price to pay for a happy marriage, isn't it?'
The salaryman sniffed and nodded. Nabiki patted him on the back and sent
him on his way. She smiled after him for a few moments, and then turned
to Ranma. She spoke not a word, but motioned for him to follow him.
Ranma gulped and slowly followed her into her bedroom.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

Nabiki's room looked a great deal like a hospital room, but not because
it looked healthy, but because it was extremely sterile. Everything in
the room was utilitarian in nature. There was a bouquet of wild flowers
in a vase on the table near the door, but that was mostly to jar the
intended victim. Everything that Nabiki cared about was in a safety
deposit bank in Switzerland, so her room had become more of a business
center. Ranma sat down in the hard wooden chair that Nabiki had offered
him.
Nabiki walked behind her desk and sat down in her plush chair.
'I suppose you're wondering why I called you here.' Nabiki said evenly.
Ranma nodded. Despite the fact that the could clean the floor with her,
Nabiki scared the hell out of him.
'Well, it's simple. I want to do a little test on you.'
Ranma gulped. 'What kind of test?'. Nabiki turned the swivel chair
around so she was facing the window. 'It doesn't concern you. Don't
worry, I assure you that you won't be permanently damaged.'
'I am not a guinea pig!' Ranma shouted.
Nabiki swung the chair back around and stared at him. Ranma was taken
aback, Nabiki looked completely calm. This could mean only one thing...
'Well, we'll see about that.' Nabiki slid the drawer on her desk
out and took out a Zip disk. She popped it into the Zip driver connected
to her computer. A few moments later she turned the monitor around so
that Ranma could see it. An .avi window had appeared and the picture in
it was Ranma-chan dressed in Akane's clothes. She was looking into a
mirror and saying some weird things. 'Ranma no baka! I can cook, you
just can't taste! I am not an uncute tomboy, you pervert!'
Ranma turned a shade of red usually reserved for certain types
of radiation. He tried to sink down in his chair, but that's hard to
do in a chair like the wooden one in which he was sitting. Ranma tried
to speak, but his vocal cords were tied in knots. After a while, he
managed to croak 'Where did you get that?'.
A grin crossed Nabiki's face, at that moment Ranma knew that he
had lost. 'I have my ways.' Nabiki said as she popped the disk out of
the drive. 'Unless you do as I say, I'm going to play this on the
Jumbotron during Furinkan High's next baseball game. Kapesh?'
'What do you want me to do?' Ranma groaned. Nabiki dug into her
desk and came out with a black oversized paperback. It looked as if it
was a good 1000 pages long. In bold Latin letters were the words
'Better Business Through Hypnosis'. Nabiki took out a chain from
her pocket, on the end of the chain hung a silver ball.
'Just relax and watch the ball as it goes back and forth.'
Ranma watched the ball swing back and forth. After about 20 swings,
Ranma's eyes glazed over. Nabiki smirked, and reflected on the fact that
simple minds are easy to bend.
'Are you asleep, Ranma?'. 'Yes.' Ranma said. 'Now, listen to me.
When I clap my hands, you are to say that you love me, then you will
give me all your money. Is that understood?' 'Yes.' Nabiki smirked. This
was going to work perfectly on Kunou. 'Now, when I snap my fingers,
you're going to awake, and you won't remember this conversation. You
also won't remember that I have a disk with footage of you pretending to
be Akane on it. Is that understood?' 'Yes.' Nabiki nodded and snapped
her fingers. Ranma blinked several times, and looked wide awake.
'What happened?' he said. Nabiki clapped her hands. Ranma stood
up and embraced her. 'Nabiki, I love you.' He then broke the embrace and
took out his wallet. He opened it and took out all of the Yen bills, and
handed them to Nabiki.
Nabiki was tempted to keep the notes, but she had bigger fish
to fry. She smirked and handed them back to Ranma. She wondered where
the hug had come from, it didn't matter. Ranma looked confused. 'You're
feeling tired, aren't you, Ranma?' Ranma nodded and left.
Nabiki went back to her desk and prepared to go see Kunou.
But as she was packing up the book and her various hypnosis implements
it occurred to her that she hadn't undone her hypnosis job on Ranma.
As she was about to leave, she checked in on him, and he was
sleeping. Nabiki shrugged and decided to undo it when she came back.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

Somewhere, in the darkness, an evil force stirred.
Anger and hatred grew within him. Added to the sense of
bitterness he already felt, it made him an all around grumpus. Why did
Ranma Saotome get all the breaks? he wondered. Why can't things work out
for me once in a while? Any why is it so damn dark in here?!
'Hey buddy, if you ain't going to take your picture get out of
the damn booth!' He couldn't see where the voice was coming from,
but as he reached out with his hands he felt a curtain made out of some
sort of cloth. He pulled it back and the sun shined in. He looked around
and discovered that he was in some sort of box. There was a glass square
built into the front of the box, and below it was a silver plate with
a slot in it. The words '200 Yen' were written next to it. He walked
out of the enclosed space and discovered that he was standing in the
middle of an amusement park.
He looked over to see the owner of the voice that was yelling at
him. 'Could you please tell me where the Tendo Dojo is?' The man furrowed
his brow, exchanged glances with his wife, and turned back to the odd
looking man. 'Where?'

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

Ranma sat at a desk in his room. No, wait. It wasn't his room.
It was far too small to be his room. He made a quick survey of the room.
It was most definitely NOT his room. In fact, it looked like the room of
a college student. Ranma looked down at the desk that he was sitting at.
Sitting atop it was an open textbook. It was about adolescent psychology.
Ranma scratched his head. Was that like advance psychology? He
wondered. He slammed the book shut and got up and stretched his legs.
This room, even though it was not his, looked somewhat familiar.
He scanned the room once more, and noticed a gaping hole in the wall.
Curious as ever, he went over and poked his head into it's maw.
On the other end, there was a similar hole. As he started to
crawl towards it, a face suddenly appeared in it. Ranma let out a yell
and jumped, hitting his head on a beam between the walls.
The odd man looked at him with a passive look on his face.
'Could you not wait for me to come over to your domicile?' he asked.
Suddenly, Ranma realized who the man was. He also realized why
the room looked so familiar. He quickly scampered back out of the hole
and into 'his' room. Suddenly, he noticed a woman with red hair in a
negligee sitting at his table, drinking beer from a can. She smirked
'Something wrong, ronin?'. Ranma jumped to his feet and ran to where a
mirror was sitting on a shelf. He looked into it and saw an EXTREMELY
familiar face. He let out a long scream....
And sat up in his futon, sweat dripping from his forehead.
It took a few moments for Ranma to realize that it had all been a dream,
and when he did, he breathed a sigh of relief.
Just to be sure, Ranma surveyed the room around him, although
it was still messy, it looked much more like the room of a D-Student who
was a sophomore in high school. Ranma gave another sigh of relief. He
then got up and pulled his clothes back on, and then made his way
downstairs.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

At that very moment, Kasumi was making the most important
decision in the history of the universe. Based on her decision, thousands
of beings would die. Of course, thousands of beings would die either way,
but the habitat was the difference. Kasumi was deciding what she should
make for dinner. She was wondering if she should make Beef Sukiyaki, or
Chicken Lo Mein. Being the speciocentric person she was, Kasumi didn't
care about the thousands of organisms who called the side of beef and
the pieces of chicken home. Kasumi decided on Chicken. She picked up all
five pieces and threw them into the broiler. A thousand voices cried out
and then were silent. Oblivious to this, Kasumi went on cooking.
Ranma pushed the short curtain aside and walked into the
kitchen. 'So, what's for dinner?' Ranma asked. He looked into the
broiler but couldn't make out what was in there. 'Chicken Lo Mein.'
Kasumi said as she placed the beef habitat back into the freezer.
Kasumi dumped some flour onto a plastic sheet and began to roll
noodles. Ranma was preparing to leave when the phone rang.
'Could you please get that, Ranma?'. Ranma grumbled but picked
up the receiver. 'Yo, Tendo Residence.' He said lazily into the phone.
On the other end came a familiar voice. 'Hello, Ranma. Can I speak to
Kasumi, please?'. Ranma put the receiver onto the counter.
'Kasumi, it's Doctor Tofu.' Kasumi smiled inwardly. 'Oh. Thank
you.' Kasumi clapped her hands together to shake off some of the flour.
Ranma's eyes glazed over. As Kasumi picked up the receiver,
Ranma hugged her. 'I love you, Kasumi.'
About half a mile away, something snapped in Tofu Ono's head.
"NANI?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The ultrasonic screech shot over the phone lines
and melted the receiver in Kasumi's hand. Kasumi dropped it, and at
just that moment Ranma handed her a fistful of Yen notes. Always knowing
the right words for the situation, Kasumi spoke those immortal words.
'Oh my!'

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

Tofu Ono had a reputation for being a soft-spoken, gentle guy,
but suddenly that had all changed. Tofu started ransacking his office,
throwing pens, pencils, thermometers, beakers, pill bottles, and
patients at the walls, leaving all variety of stains.
Outside a group of Nerima's senior citizens were peering in the
windows of the clinic at the cyclone that was tearing apart the office.
'It must have been Kasumi.' one of them noted. They all nodded
in unison. 'Either that, or they made another Urusei Yatsura movie.'
They all nodded in unison again.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

After Kasumi gave Ranma his money back, she blushed. Ranma
didn't seem the least bit disturbed, and went out into the parlor.
As she kneaded the dough, she couldn't help thinking about what
had happened. What had brought on that wave of passion?
Had Ranma always felt that way? She remembered once when Ranma
had jumped from the top of the stairs and the two had ended up in a
semi-embrace.
Kasumi hadn't thought very much of it at the time, but now she
couldn't help thinking if Ranma had felt something during that short
embrace.
Kasumi shook her head to exorcise such thoughts. He was Akane's fiancee
after all. Besides, she liked OLDER men. But Kasumi couldn't help think-
ing about it. Ranma had lived with them for over a year, and had Kasumi
ever felt attracted to him? Kasumi decided to stop thinking about it,
because it was distracting. Kasumi suddenly started as she discovered
that she had just made a six-foot long noodle.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

The universe has a very perverse sense of humor. This can be
demonstrated by the many tragedies that have occurred through history
because of stupid mistakes and small flaws. Names like the Hindenberg,
the Titanic, the Hubble, and Madonna still strike a chord within each
and every one of us. The universe was feeling rather bored this day, so
it decided to place Ryouga Hibiki near a local eating establishment
named after its proprietor. (No, not Roy Roger's chicken.) The universe
also made sure that Ryouga was hungry at that moment. Ryouga then
proceeded to make his way towards this particular location. What Ryouga
didn't know was that inside this restaurant was the very man he was
wished to pummel. The universe laid back in it's Lay-Z-Boy recliner and
waited for a fantastic fight.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

Oblivious to the schemes of the universe, Ranma Saotome sat in a booth
at Utchan's, and conversed with his friends. At the moment they were
talking about various different underarm deodorants. Ranma reflected on
what odd topics of conversation come about when a group of men got
together. Since Ranma was eagerly advocating the use of Speed Stick, he
didn't notice the bandanna-clad figure who entered the shop. Nor did he
notice the aura of fire that surrounded the figure as he spotted Ranma.
He did, however, notice several bandannas whirling towards him, set on
decapitating him. Ranma started and screamed to his friends 'Get down!'
Ranma leapt beneath the table, and the bandannas took off a good part of
the seat that he and his friends had been sitting on. Recovering
quickly Ranma picked up the table and threw it at his opponent. Ryouga
whipped off his belt and used it to slice the table in half.
An aura of a similar sort surrounded Ranma as he faced off
against his assailant. 'How dare you trash Ucchan's restaurant!' he
shot out through clenched teeth. This caused Ryouga to smirk slightly.
'It was YOU that threw the table "Ran-chan"'. Ranma chuckled.
That was it for Ranma, he had enough. 'Would you care to step outside?'
Ranma could barely constrain himself. Ryouga smirked yet again. 'Yes,
that would do nicely. I shall chop you to pieces.' Ryouga slapped his
right hand against his left to make the point.
Suddenly the universe remembered something, and started to giggle in
anticipation. Ranma's eyes glazed over, and he walked like a zombie
towards Ryouga. Ryouga was taken aback, and a look of puzzlement washed
over his face. 'Wh..What are you doing?!'. Ranma hugged Ryouga. 'I love
you, Ryouga.'

The entire restaurant went silent. Daisuke and Keisuke's eyes bulged.
The girls looked shocked, especially Ukyo. The look of shock on Ryouga's
face would have rivaled Custer's.
Ryouga recovered first, he pushed aside the money that Ranma offered,
and slammed his umbrella into Ranma's head, knocking him to the ground.
This done, everyone else slowly began to accept what had happened. The
guys all ran forward and started kicking Ranma, and some of the girl's
started crying. 'He's...GAY!' they all screamed. Ukyo leaped over the
counter and grabbed Ranma's unconscious form and started slapping him
about the face.
Ranma slowly came around, the first image he saw being the blurry
face of Ukyo. He smiled slightly. 'Ucchan' he said. Ukyo slammed her
fist into his face to prevent any other words. 'You BASTARD!' she then
threw him back to the ground and let the other patrons do their number
on him.
She went into the backroom, and completely ignored the cries for help
and the shrieks of pain.

[Author's Note: Sound unreasonable? Remember what happened to Ranma when
some people found him in a trash barrel wearing a dress?]

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

The news spread like peanut better. By six PM, everyone in Nerima knew
that Ranma Saotome, famous martial artist, was gay. Well, almost everyone.
There were two people who didn't know, one of them being Ranma himself,
and the other being the one responsible for his condition. Of course,
Nabiki had her own problems, because she hadn't been able to get Kunou
to love her for longer than ten seconds, or to give him more money than
what was in his wallet.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

'I said WHAT?!' Ranma screamed. Akane stood firm. 'You told Ryouga that
you loved him. And then you offered him money for some reason.'
Ranma shook his head vigorously 'I didn't, I would've remembered!'
Ranma rubbed his head where one of many bumps had found a home. 'But for
some reason, the people at Ucchans beat the crap out of me. I've never
been able to figure out why.' Across the table from Ranma, a panda cried.
Genma-Saotome, panda style, held up a sign conveying his feelings.
'What am I going to tell his mother? She'll kill me!' Soun was busy
crying himself, so he didn't have an answer.
'So, why didn't you tell me your bread was buttered on that side?'
Akane smirked deviously. 'I am not! If anyone around here is like that,
it's you!' Akane slapped him and knocked him across the room. Ranma got
up, and jogged back to the table. The panda held up yet another sign;
'It might be a result of the curse.' Akane nodded. 'I'd call Doctor
Tofu, but somehow the receiver got melted. Speaking of which, does
anyone know where Kasumi is?' 'I am NOT gay!' Ranma screamed. He didn't
feel inclined to add 'Not that there's anything wrong with that,' but
the author feels inclined to do so.
Akane got that smirk again. 'But you and Ryouga make sure a cute
couple.' Ranma gritted his teeth. He felt a terrible urge to divulge
the secret of P-Chan. But, thinking logically for once, Ranma decided
that that would not accomplish anything, and dismissed it.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

At that very moment, Kasumi was lying on the bed in her room. She had
a great deal to think about. Was Ranma truly in love with her, or was
it a joke, or some kind of fling? Ranma didn't seem to be very conscious
of what had happened after he said it, so maybe there was something
wrong with him. Perhaps he was insane?
'I had better go see Doctor Tofu.' she noted to herself. That done,
she decided to go downstairs, where she had yet another surprise waiting
for her.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

There was a dialtone at the Tendo residence, but nobody answered.
Nabiki slammed the phone down and uttered an English swear word that
rhymes with mitt. She really needed that hypnotism book, her attempts
to hypnotize Kunou weren't working. She wondered if it was because he
was too thick headed. But then she recalled that it had worked on Ranma
just fine. Nabiki let out a sigh and decided to walk home and get the
book. She wasn't really in any sort of rush anyway.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

Kasumi was putting the finishing touches on dinner in the kitchen. She
couldn't help thinking about what she had just learned. In one afternoon,
Ranma had declared his love for her, and for Ryouga. Could it possibly
be that her cold reception of his offer of love had caused him to flee
to the arms of another man? That thought made Kasumi giggle. It did
seem that the incidents had been very similar, because Ranma had offered
money to both of them. Kasumi wondered what could have caused that.
She sighed and went to take the dish out of the stove.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

'I'm home!' Nabiki called as she slammed to door the Tendo Dojo shut.
There was no response, however. Nabiki usually ignored such things
because she felt that small talk was only to be used as a tool to get
people off guard. But, like so many things in our life, its absence was
far more noticed than it's presence. In fact, the entire house was
deathly quiet. Knowing it was the origin of the grid of the Tendo house,
Nabiki entered the parlor to find the two Saotomes, as well as her
father and sister, sitting at the table. All eyes, including Ranma's
own, were resting on Ranma. They didn't even notice her enter.
'Hey.' Nabiki said, nonchalantly. There was no response. 'HEY!'
she screamed, causing several pictures on the wall to rattle. All eyes
shifted to her, most of them filled with irritation.
'Oh, hello Nabiki.' her father said in a deadpan tone. Always being the
quick one of the family, Nabiki decided that something was wrong..
'Is something the matter?' she asked, looking at Ranma.
Ranma shifted uneasily where he was sitting. Everyone sat in silence
for several moments, and then Akane told Nabiki what had happened.
Nabiki was shocked for several moments, but that soon subsided.
Nabiki was considering how much this would net her to keep from the
public, but the family knew her too well, and they told her that
everyone in Nerima knew. Nabiki swore under her breath, and asked about
the details of the incident. Her amazement soon turned to guilt, and her
face soon turned to a nice crimson hue. "Ummm...about that.'
Everyone turned to look at Nabiki. 'You see...umm, I just bought this
book, and it told me how to hypnotize people, and....'
As slow-witted as the other four were, they caught on almost immediately,
and Nabiki prepared to get the bawling out of her life.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

It isn't fair!, Nabiki recollected as she handed Daisuke another 1000
yen note. Almost a week had passed since that fateful moment in Utchans.
Soun, being in a rather intelligent mood, had demanded that Nabiki
pay off all of the people who had been at Utchans to have them change
to the story. Now, everyone was told that what Ranma ACTUALLY said was;
'I love you, brother.' After that, the people of Nerima went onto other
gossip, such as the fact that Hikaru Gosunkugi's mother had found him
in their attic with a goat. Her father really knew how to get at people
Nabiki thought as she looked at her empty wallet.

-]=[- -]=[- -]=[-

Ranma sighed as he lied back on one of the stones by the fishing pond.
Things had really cleared up quickly, he recalled. The people of
Nerima had been so gullible! Ryouga had made several attempts on his
life when he appeared five and three days before. But, luckily, he
hadn't gotten any better at fighting, so Ranma had nothing to worry
about. He had worried a great deal about Ukyo, but she had been friends
with Ranma for long enough to know that altered states of mind induced
by hypnosis or magic were as common to him as they were in an episode
of Doctor Who. Ucchan than aplogized for the nasty bruise that Ranma
had recieved on his face. In fact, everything had pretty much got back
to normal. Ranma was so deep in thought that he hadn't realized that
someone had picked up the stone that he had been sitting on and thrown
it into the pond.
Ranma-chan emerged from the waters angry and spat water. 'What the
hell do you think you're do....DOCTOR TOFU?!'

-=THE END=-