[Ranma/Slayers][FanFic] Redheads, chapter three
Rob
A Slayers/Ranma 1/2 crossover fanfiction thingy that's silly
(Each redhead and their respective related people are copyright
the correct redhead owners.)
Chapter Three: In which two redheaded people try to teach each
other something, while the other two do something similar. Also in
which predictable chaos, mayhem, and the occasional spurt of sheer
lunacy occurs.
####
(Good one, Lina,) thought the crimson-haired sorceress to
herself. (Ask your psuedo-cousin perfect bodied doppelganger from
another flipping dimension to train you in some mythical unarmed
fighting style. REAL bright idea.)
It wasn't really that the idea was bad. And Lina had known that
combat training of any kind would be at times uncomfortable-- after
all, that's why they called it combat.
Constant was another thing. Apparently, "Cousin" Ranma
considered EVERYTHING training, or at least an opportunity to do so.
And since she wasn't planning to stay in this reality for very long--
no longer than she had to-- she apparently had decided to make it a
crash course.
This meant you didn't walk on the road if there's a handy fence,
something to act as an obstacle course, or at the least bracken to
hop over. Not struggle through-- hop over.
Then there was the fact that Lina was carrying a pack. Usually,
Lina didn't carry a pack. She had Gourry carry one, often, but she
didn't. She used simple magic to hide things in an extra dimensional
pocket... but she didn't actually CARRY anything. Her usual opinion
of luggage was that luggage was someone else's problem. She had
explained all of this.
Ranma had retorted with comments about upper body strength,
stamina training, and self reliance. Ranma had said that body toning
was essential. Ranma had said that magic was a fine thing, she
supposed, but in the Art (Lina could HEAR the capitals) it was also a
crutch, and that Lina needed to start walking, metaphorically, on her
own.
Well, what Ranma had ACTUALLY said was "Look, you wanna learn the
Art? Well, with those spindly arms and weak legs you ain't gonna.
You got to build up. And Magic's cheating."
Result-- Lina was carrying a pack. A heavy one. Well, heavy to
her.
It didn't help that Ranma was carrying twice as much as she was
and not even breathing hard. Or Akane the same. Or Gourry the same.
The three physically trained people were chatting about how sensible
it was to carry enough supplies.
The not physically trained person was not joining into the
conversation because she was short of breath.
Ranma talked about speed. The Art was also about speed, she
said. And Lina was too slow.
Ranma hadn't started her on anything about speed yet, but had
mentioned frightening things about hornet's nests and wolves.
And the falling stuff... how to fall down without getting hurt by
the fall. Ranma taught her how to fall down on the ground. That
was, actually, fairly easy.
She then moved Lina to fences. Lina hadn't quite got the hang of
that yet.
Lina was beginning to wonder if this was all some twisted joke.
It wasn't any better that Ranma's insane training methods were
apparently working. Lina wasn't still very clear about what Chi
was-- and Ranma's indistinct explanations didn't help-- but she had
the unsettling feeling that she WAS getting in touch with a part of
herself that she hadn't known about before. Her endurance was
improving, her speed was increasing.
This meant that she was only ninety percent exhausted instead of
the one hundred and fourteen percent of the first week of travel.
This was the second week. And it was a easy two month journey to
Sailoon.
Worse, to both her and Lina's surprise (Lina hadn't actually
expected Ranma to learn anything real) Ranma had some talent for the
Art Arcane. In fact, Ranma had managed to learn one actual honest to
goodness spell.
That spell was Lighting, the all time most innocuous spell in
history.
But it normally took a neophyte YEARS to learn even that first
spell. Ranma had learned it in a week. Ranma had a talent for
learning that was SCARY-- as long as Ranma was interested.
Theory of magic? Ranma couldn't understand it all. But she had
a definite talent as a practical Magus. Lina supposed that it was
her experience with Chi that made it so... Ranma was apparently
treating it as a variant of Chi. Just with more words.
So, Lina could run longer, a little bit, and had learned how to
throw a punch that was a little better than before. Also her dodging
was improving. And Ranma could make a ball of light. Which she
could have done before with Chi anyway. Lina got the better from
results, but the worse from discomfort.
It wasn't improved by Akane and Gourry. Gourry had decided that
if Lina was teaching Ranma her stuff, Gourry should teach Akane his.
Swordsmanship being WAY closer to the Martial Arts than Magic is,
Akane was learning fast. And Ranma, who was competitive by nature,
started to practice the blade also-- just in case. And Gourry
decided that some of this fancy unarmed fighting couldn't hurt, so...
Scorecard so far.
Lina Inverse. Learned a few basic MA moves, better endurance.
Getting a tiny grip on the Chi idea. Feeling VERY much put upon.
Ranma Sa- Ah, Inverse. Still a girl, has actually learned a
spell. Not much of one, but a spell. Also, being the MA learner
from hell is now passably skilled with a longsword, although she
won't admit it serves any real purpose.
Gourry Gabriev. Can't understand the higher ideas of Chi or the
Art, but has discovered that a sweep kick is fun.
Akane (censored)- I mean Gabriev. Being the sort who has always
done well with heavy blunt objects, is doing fairly well learning
heavy sharp objects. The problem is that she rather LIKES it.
Anyone getting scared yet?
To quote a certain Jedi Master, "You Will Be."
####
Zelgadis Greyweirs was known for having an unusual hobby. He
spent most of his time trying to cure a rather unsightly skin
condition. Well, he considered it so.
Zelgadis had found during his search many highly effective such
treatments. For Zel, acne, hives, rashes, warts, eczema, and even
leprosy would never be a problem again. Then again, when your skin
is basically bluish-grey stone these ailments aren't a problem
anyway. In truth, he'd rejoice at a zit-- a zit would mean he was
human again.
And Zelgadis Greyweirs wasn't human. He was a chimera-- a sort
of blend of human, golem, and demon. At least he was pretty sure
that was the mix-- but he wasn't certain what Rezo might have put in
as well.
His condition caused people-- especially girls-- to faint in the
streets, which is why he habitually went hooded, cloaked, and masked.
He knew it was because he was a hideous freak.
(This, in fact, is debatable. Some DID find his appearance
grotesque, but many found it exotic, and not a few fainting girls did
so because pebbly complexion or not, Zel was actually pretty much in
the bishonen camp. They weren't fainting-- they were swooning.)
Zelgadis had been referred to as something of a sourpuss at
times.
Consider this--
His latest quest for a cure had led to the discovery of a cure
for the Galloping Rumbles. Since no one had had a case of the
Galloping Rumbles in over six hundred years (A disease caused by
eating the liver of the Wogwog bird, which had gone extinct
you-guess-when) it seemed somewhat less than a satisfying
achievement.
In the course of finding a cure for a nonexistent disease, Zel
had had to face off not one, not two, but three minor demons, a tribe
of savage cannibals with rock-piercing spears, and a demented tax
accountant who was firmly convinced that his destiny was to rule the
world.
Thusly, at the moment, sourpuss wasn't really accurate.
He was nowhere NEAR that cheerful.
Honestly, he couldn't think how the day could possibly get any
worse.
You'd think he'd learn.
####
The remnants of the Very Mean And Dangerous Gang-- all five of
them-- were planning to rebuild. They had learned their lessons
well. No big blond swordsmen, no young girls with dark hair, and
absolutely NO redheaded psycho chicks. All they needed was a
grubstake.
And here came one now, a weary traveler, all alone, in a light
gray cloak.
You know, come to think of it, you'd think they'd learn too.
####
There is no sound so distinctive as that of a small group of
bandits who have bitten off way more than they can chew, unless it's
the sound of a large group of bandits who have bitten off way more
than they can chew. The sound that perked Lina's ears was the
former.
The easily recognized cry of "Dil Brand!" suggested that an old
friend was involved with a group of bandits who had bitten off way
more than they could chew.
"No, can't be... Oh, who am I kidding? Of COURSE it can. Come
on, I think I hear a friend back there."
It was exactly what Lina had expected. A small pack of seriously
battered bandits and Zelgadis standing there, unscathed, scowling.
Hearing the sound of others approaching, he prepared for possible
conflict--
And saw what appeared to be TWO Lina Inverses.
More accurately, two and a half.
There was the Lina he knew and tolerated. Bright eyed, grinning
madly, the same old young girl with great power and a not so great
figure.
Then there was this other Lina. Maybe a hair taller. Neater
hair. Clearer eyes. And...
And a figure that he knew that not only would Lina kill for, but
in fact many women of his acquaintance would kill for. Repeatedly.
With any instrument handy. In fact, he knew a lot of men who would
kill for a figure like that-- although for somewhat different reasons
than the women.
Zelgadis Greyweirs KNEW, beyond a doubt, that something bad was
about to happen. Or at least something preposterous.
####
"So, she's your... cousin?" Zel said after being introduced.
"More or less. At least, temporarily adopted cousin? There's
this problem with surnames, you see..."
"Well, I can accept that. I don't understand it, but I can
accept that. And there is a resemblance."
"Do you think so?" Lina said.
"Yes. Although her eyes are blue, where yours are sort of
reddish..."
Lina blinked. Not AGAIN.
"And I think she's a hair taller, and not as slim..."
"Well, that's all fine and dandy, Zel, but..."
Gourry chirped happily, "And she has MUCH bigger-- Ungh!" The
"ungh" part was Akane elbowing him with some force. It was obvious
to Akane that Lina was somewhat insecure about certain attributes.
Hell, sometimes she was, even if Ranma no longer teased her about it.
Not often, anyhow.
"ANYWAY," Lina gritted, "Ranma and Akane here are Martial
Artists."
Zelgadis stared. "No such thing," he said flatly. "The true
martial arts have been lost for thousands of years. There's only a
few remnants like the stuff Phil uses or some of Gourry's tricks."
"Want to bet? You won't believe some of the things these two can
do-- especially MY cousin," Lina said with borrowed pride.
"Impressive?"
"You bet! Not as impressive as ME, of course, but--"
"You know, you two COULD be really related," Akane smirked.
"That is if ego is inheritable."
"Aw, Akane, that's not fair," complained Ranma. Akane smirked.
"And what do you mean by THAT?" demanded Lina.
"That you're a egomaniac," suggested Zelgadis dryly.
"I am not!" Lina said hotly.
"True." Zelgadis looked upwards, waiting for the perfect
moment-- and as Lina began to take on a mollified expression, he
added, "Most egomaniacs are somewhat more humble."
"Whoa, good one!" Gourry said admiringly, as Lina facefaulted.
"I didn't know you were any good at zingers like that!"
"Been taking lessons. Had to to defeat a lunatic dwarf."
"S-stop encouraging him, Gourry," complained Lina from a facefull
of grass.
Ranma had lost interest in the conversation-- she'd seen things
far stranger than a chimera in her time-- and was examining one of
the now slowly reawakening bandits. "Hey, don't I know you?"
The bandit slowly opened his eyes. Stared. And started
screaming. "ACK! NOT AGAIN! IT'S INVERSE!"
From another huddled mass came the faint retort, "Is not..."
"You know, this is beginning to get old. Why are you guys so
darn hyper about Cousin Lina?" Ranma asked, reasonably.
"Who cares about LINA Inverse?!? YOU'RE worse! Magic is one
thing, but that kicking-punching stuff isn't natural! And the
flat-chested one is almost as bad!"
"I'm not flat-chested! It's just a baggy tunic!" Akane snarled,
fingering her new toy.
"Oh, you are talking about Lina after all," Gourry said,
predictably. Lina bashed him. Life as usual.
"The scary thing," Ranma noted, "Is he's NOT trying to be
insulting..."
The bandit was now scurrying back in what could only be described
as sheer terror. "You stay away from me! All of you! Crazy kicky
people and sorceresses and swordsmen and that gray guy! Why can't a
bandit earn an honest living anymore? Why are you weird people
getting in the way? What did I ever do to YOU?"
Ranma paused. "Wait-- I remember you. Two weeks ago at the
Nerima Inn. You were one of the guys that tried to kill Lina and
me!"
"Oh. Okay, that's one thing I did to you. But that's all there
was--"
"And the day before that you tried to rob me!"
"Well, okay, there was that too, but what ELSE did I ever do to
you?" the bandit complained weakly.
"You interrupted our meal, you know," Ranma complained.
"I'm in real trouble, aren't I?" the bandit said, analytically.
Actually, all things considered, being stripped almost naked,
relieved of all his valuables, and being hung upside-down from a tree
was pretty lenient.
####
"Lina, why on earth are you walking on a fence rail?" asked
Zelgadis.
"Because she's making-- wahhhh!" replied Lina as she stopped
walking and resumed falling.
"No, no... twist counterclockwise. THAT'S how to break the
fall," corrected Ranma.
"You said CLOCKWISE the last time!"
"You were falling different this time," retorted Ranma, returning
to her uncertain perusal of a basic grimoire entitled "Sorcery for
Dummies".
Zelgadis just shook his head, deciding that Ranma probably WAS an
Inverse.
Lina glared at the martial artist, who idly stood on something
that as far as she was concerned Ranma should not be able to stand
on. Especially not while reading. It didn't help that Akane was
also fence-standing and looking at Lina with apparently genuine
concern.
"Ranma, she's just a beginner. You can't expect her to pick it
up all that fast."
"She has potential, Akane," Ranma replied. "She has some real
potential. I said I'd teach her, and I'm gonna teach her."
"If you don't kill me first. You see what I have to put up with?
She won't even let me use any magic to break my fall, she says I have
to do it entirely with skill. My 'cousin' is a monster!"
"I am NOT a monster!" retorted Ranma.
"Oh? Making me do all these wierd excercises, hitting me every
morning, all that dodging and jumping and whatnot-- if that's not
being a monster, what is?"
"Would that qualify?" asked a suddenly nervous Akane.
Big. Green. Scaly. Many many teeth. And two heads.
"I think so," Gourry said easily. He casually unlimbered his
sword.
"What the hell IS that thing?" demanded Ranma.
"Some sort of minor dragon or something," replied Lina. "Easy
enough to handle. What, you've never seen a monster before?"
"Well... the orochi, and the BakeNeko, and Taro, but..."
Lina flexed her fingers. "Anyhow, most monsters are really
fairly passive. We probably won't have to fight it, it will simply
wander off."
"They," noted Gourry.
"Un?"
"There's more than one. Lots more. And they're acting funny."
"I have," Zelgadis murmured, "As it were, a bad feeling about
this."
More monsters approached. Except for minor differences in
coloration, they were identical.
"You know," Ranma said, "It's times like this that I hate times
like this."
"How... droll."
All heads turned to the new voice. The figure was, well,
unimpressive.
"Gosunkugi?" blurted Akane. "What are you doing here and where
did you get that hair?"
"Hmm... do I resemble someone of your acquaintance? How
interesting. No, my name-- as best as you can understand it-- is
Melvin, and I merely wish to examine the source of an unusual power.
With the help of my pets, of course," added the Mazoku.
"Mazoku," growled Lina. "You HAVE to be."
"Why, how perceptive of you, miss--"
"Lina Inverse."
"In-- well, well. How fascinating. Xelloss speaks rather highly
of you, but then Xelloss is oddly interested in your kind. And who
is this beauty who stands beside you in the same garments?"
"I'm RANMA Inverse, well, for now, and you ain't scaring ME,
Mazola."
Melvin frowned. "That's Mazoku. I suppose you're another
sorceress of fatal and destructive power?'
"No," chipped in Gourry, "She's a martial artist of fetid and
disruptive power!"
"Fatal and destructive, Gourry, not fet-- HEY! Who are you
calling destructive?" complained Lina.
"Martial-- Oh, a clever bluff, but all know that the true Martial
Arts have been lost to mortal men for millennia. The next thing
you'll be telling me is that she can manipulate Bob."
"Chi," corrected Ranma, her head beginning to ache.
"What?"
"It's called Chi. Not Bob. Chi."
"Clever indeed! To suggest that the legends are mistaken gives
your preposterous claim verisimilitude, I admit. Not that that will
save you... I don't care for unknown powers. Attack, my...
pretties."
"THOSE are pretty?" Akane said, drawing her sword (which she had
become oddly fond of).
"He's Mazoku. They have very unusual tastes," explained
Zelgadis, drawing his as well.
Ranma and Lina just went in to their respective stances-- Lina
prepping a fireball, and Ranma... apparently just standing there.
"Sure are a lot of them," mused Gourry.
"But they aren't attacking?" wondered Akane.
Melvin had noticed the same thing. "I said, attack. That
doesn't mean staring at them and sweating."
One of the monsters growfed something at the Mazoku.
"I don't care if it IS Lina Inverse. Her reputation is no doubt
overly exaggerated. Now, attack!"
More growfing.
"I don't CARE if you have a bad feeling about the busty one
either! Who's the Mazoku and who's the minions? Right! Now,
ATTACK!"
A lone, weak, and questioning growf.
"No, you CAN'T go to the bathroom first! What kind of monsters
ARE you?"
To the amazement of the heroes, this actually continued.
As the Mazoku master argued with his reluctant minions, Lina did
some very fast mental calculations. "Ranma, we have a problem."
"Nah, we can take 'em," the other redhead retorted.
"Um... if Melvin wasn't here, yes. But with a Mazoku fueling
them, reinforcing them... I'm not certain we can."
"Meaning?"
"Meaning we're all gonna die."
"Oh. Time for the Sao-- the Inverse Secret technique, then."
"And what is that?" asked Zelgadis.
"Just follow my lead. Lina, is this one of those guys you talked
about who who are all into pain and stuff?"
"That's a mild way of putting it, Ranma, but yes."
"Then I have phase one... YO! MARSHMALLOW!"
"What? And that's Mazoku," said the distracted Melvin, caught up
in arguing with his reluctant minions.
Ranma reflected on what Lina had mentioned in passing about
Mazoku and hoped she'd got this right. "If we're going to fight, we
should-- hey, who's that guy there with the broken leg sobbing his
eyes out and whining about his mommy?"
Now a SMART Mazoku would have a hard time resisting such a
tempting idea of pain and suffering. Melvin was powerful, Melvin was
evil, but, frankly, Melvin wasn't the brightest intellect of the
Mazoku. This meant sucker. "What? Where?"
And the group, prompted by Lina and Akane, ran away.
"I don't see any broken-- Hey, where did they go?"
####
"The Inverse Secret Technique is running away?!?" demanded
Zelgadis.
"Of COURSE not," retorted an offended Ranma. "It's running away
until you can think of a way to win. But from what little Lina's
told be about the Macarena that might be pretty hard..."
"No, it's not. Mazoku. Damn, I HATE Mazoku. Well, we're far
enough away to to do what WILL win against a Mazoku..."
And she began to float.
Gourry stared. "Oh, no-- not again... She wouldn't--"
"Of COURSE she would," Zelgadis replied.
"Darkness from twilight, crimson from blood that flows..."
"What's she going to do? She's floating. What's she floating
for?" Ranma complained.
"Something that WILL deal with a Mazoku. Get down." Zel was
already clinging to a nice friendly rock.
"Buried in the flow of time; in Thy great name, I pledge myself
to darkness..."
"I don't understand," Akane complained.
"Just hug the ground. Very hard. About now..." Gourry was
already hugging dirt.
"Those who oppose us shall be destroyed by the power you and I
possess..."
And uncomprehending, Ranma and Akane joined Gourry and Zelgadis
on the ground behind a convenient boulder as they heard Lina's clear,
almost bell-like voice cry--
"DRAGON SLAVE!"
THIS time, Ranma was IMPRESSED.
####
Melvin was NOT a happy Mazoku. Even with a rapid teleport he'd
caught a lot of the blast. And even with the healing power he had he
knew he would be sore for weeks-- and his monsters were at the moment
somewhat less than functional. As in, all dead as a bucket of
doornails.
Who KNEW that Xelloss had been right? Well, Xelloss, sure,
but...
The Dragon Slave was supposed to be a practically impossible
spell. And that... that CHILD had cast it without any effort.
Which bought up an interesting thought. If a such a spell was
still around, then a lost art could be also. Perhaps...
Oh, no. No quick fixes of misery and pain this time. THESE
required watching after all...
Melvin felt a little bit happier.
####
"Lina?"
"Yes, Ranma?"
"About these magic studies of mine-- do I have to learn that
thing?"
"No-- in fact, I'd really rather not teach it if I can help it."
A pause.
"GOOD."
"Good?"
"I don't like it. It's REALLY cheating."
"You don't mean you can do that with Martial Arts, do you?" Lina
said, skeptically.
"Only once... and I hope NEVER again..." (Jusendo...)
Lina looked at the haunted expression on Ranma and Akane's faces,
and forbore to ask.
"Anyhow, I'd appreciate it if you'd warn me before you did that
again," Ranma asked.
There was much agreement.
There was also a large hole in the forest.
####
Somewhere in the forest, a bandit managed to finally untie
himself.
In retrospect, he should have waited until he'd gotten down from
the tree.
"OOOF!"
By now, all thoughts of simple banditry had fled from his mind.
Now he was consumed by a new and fascinating emotional desire.
Revenge.
Three times now. Three times against that... that... PERSON.
"RANMA INVERSE-- I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU!"
Yes, he would have his vengeance-- all he had to do now was to
figure out how.
Dear readers, does this ring a bell?
####
To be continued...