[Ranma][Fanfic] Bottle of Djinn
Gregg Sharp
more strangeness by metro...@mindspring.com
http://metroanime.home.mindspring.com/
disclaimer #1: i don't own these characters.
disclaimer #2: this is just written for amusement, it is
NOT intended to be taken as great literature. it is posted
to the FFML solely because some people on the FFML
enjoy these things and could use a laugh once in awhile.
i fully realize that it does not advance the human condition
or make any philosophical breakthroughs. You want either
of those, go read Lurker-san or Kleppe-san.
-------------------------------------------------------
Ryouga came to a simple crossroads in the Mystic Woods.
It wasn't that spectacular, just a pair of dirt roads that seemed hemmed
in by ancient trees so thick they blotted out all view of the sky.
It all looked vaguely familiar to Ryouga, and there was a
reason for this. It was part of his family's curse, you see. Each Hibiki
periodically finding their way into the labyrinth of paths and roads
that criss-crossed the woods. Each road and path leading somewhere
completely different. Until the ancient wrong was set right, no Hibiki
ever could be sure of finding their way to where they wanted to go.
A black cat, a flash of color quite visible at the collar, sped
past Ryouga.
"Plaid?" Ryouga blinked. What kind of person puts a plaid
collar on a black cat? Shrugging, Ryouga started forward. He didn't
notice that there was a strange double-image of himself.
One image, fading as it went, headed down the road where
he would buy a koi rod among other things.
The other image, seeming to become slightly more solid as
the other faded, headed down the path that the cat had taken a moment
earlier.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BOTTLE OF DJINN
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The black cat grinned, watching Ryouga stumble
out from the treeline into the desert. It was working out just
as he planned. He really wanted a good laugh, a little mischief,
and this timeline was three days away from merging with a
mainline, so why not?
Someone clearing his throat caused the Elder spirit
of mischief to flinch.
"Here now, my fine furred friend," purred Loki. "Did
you want to go doing something like this without letting your
good friends know about it ahead of time?"
"Well, yes," conceded Toltiir. "Would you mind
terribly going somewhere else for awhile? And NOT interfering?"
"Only if you tell me what's going on."
Toltiir sighed. "You remember Haurvatat?"
"Persian pantheon, portfolio: purity of spirit, second class,
unlimited license." Loki cocked his head. "Great legs too, as I recall."
"That's the one. She made a comment about how mortals
never seemed to learn, they always chose to ignore the longterm
consequence and concentrated on short-term profit."
"Well, what's wrong with that?" Loki thought it an entirely
sensible way of doing things, it had served him well for quite a long time.
"It was really depressing the hell out of her." Toltiir looked
up, not really expecting the other to understand.
Loki surprised the cat. "Gotcha. So you, being an elder being
known as the Jester, decided to do something about it."
Toltiir smiled a little. "Yeah, I made her a bet. Watch."
-------------------------------------------
"AAAGGHHHH!" Ryouga screamed at the sky. "I wish
I could find the Tendo dojo!"
"Sorry," came a woman's voice. "Unless you're actually
holding the bottle, I can't do a thing for you."
"Eh?" Ryouga froze. His eyes began to track around, but
there was no sign of anyone who could have said that. "Just my
imagination. Go figure."
"Try looking down," advised the voice, now sounding
a little irritated.
Ryouga did, noticing a very ornate bottle, made of brass
instead of glass, capped with some elaborate stopper. His first thought
was here was another souvenier he could present to Akane.
It was hot and burned his fingers as he pried it out of the
sand. He brushed off some of the clinging sand as he juggled it from
one hand to another.
"Gently now, fang boy. Geez, you gotta act like this?"
"You shut up!" Ryouga stopped. He was yelling at a
bottle. Of course, the bottle had an attitude.
There was a moment of silence. "WELL!?" The woman's
voice sounded more irritated than it had earlier.
"Well what?" Ryouga was at a loss. What the hell were
you supposed to say to a bottle?
"MAKE A DAMN WISH, WHY DON'T YOU!" The
woman sounded thoroughly pissed. "Or put me in that backpack
of yours. Geez, what kind of loser do I have for a Master this time?"
"Yeah, pull the other one. You can't trick me that easily!"
"Huh?" The angry tone was gone. She sounded puzzled
now. "What ARE you talking about?"
"I'm Ryouga Hibiki! NOTHING good ever happens to me.
You're gonna grant me a wish, don't make me laugh!" Ryouga got
ready to throw the bottle back into the sand.
"WAIT! Don't do it, boy, I can't kill you but I can sure as
hell hit you with a curse if you do anything to abuse my prison here."
"I've already got a curse, thank you, I don't need any more."
Ryouga got ready to throw the bottle VERY far away.
"THEN," said the voice with more than a touch of
exasperation, "WHY don't you wish for me to remove your curse?"
Ryouga stopped. He blinked. He blinked again. "You
can do that?"
"Yeah," a slight tone of relief sounded in the woman's
voice. She was SO damn tired of this desert. "Mind how you word
it, though, because I have to follow the exact wording."
"Honestly?" Ryouga couldn't bring himself to hope.
"Honestly." The voice was beginning to sound irritated
again.
"No joke?"
"WOULD YOU JUST MAKE THE DAMN WISH!!!"
"Well, then, uhm, I, uhm, I...how many wishes do I get?"
There was a whimper from the bottle. "Three. Each Master,
which means the possessor of the bottle, gets three wishes. One is
Instant Gratification, the next takes five minutes to take effect, and the last
one takes an hour before it happens. Don't ask, those were limitations
put in there by ANOTHER Master may his skull be used as a shovel
by some camel-herder."
"Oh. Heh heh." Ryouga tried to think about what he'd
want first. "Akane? To be rid of the pig? Should I wish I could always
find Akane's bedroom? Ah..."
"GRANTED!" Lightning crackled, thunder boomed.
Ryouga blinked, standing in the doorway to Akane's bedroom.
"Oh. I...well. WHAT?!?"
"Your first wish," the woman sounded satisfied. "You will now
find Akane's bedchambers. All the time, without fail. Oh, that was nice."
"Ryouga, when did you get here?"
"Akane?" Ryouga whipped around to see the very girl
he'd wanted to see so badly. "Oh, Akane, heh heh. What a surprise
to see you here."
"Well, it IS her bedchambers, Master."
"You shut up!" Ryouga yelled at the bottle then looked
up into Akane's startled eyes.
"Ryouga, are you a ventriloquist?"
Quickly recovering from the resulting facefault, Ryouga
looked deeply into Akane's eyes. This was it, this was his big chance!
"Akane, I..."
"Yes, Ryouga?" Akane blinked up at him, completely
trusting of the lost boy. After all, he was nice and much more mature
than that jerk Ranma.
"I...I...wish that Akane..." Ryouga's mouth was dry but he
forced himself on. How could he abuse her trust like this, but how
could he let that travesty of a relationship between her and Ranma
continue?! "...were completely, helplessly, totally..."
"Ryouga?" Akane began to look puzzled, she gave a slight
pout that just pushed Ryouga's hormones up past their own breaking
point.
"i-in love with..." Ryouga stammered. The guilt, the shame, but
the prize! Would he be able to look himself in the mirror after doing this?
Would he be able to look himself in the mirror if he DIDN'T do this?
"Oh, hey there, Ryouga!"
"Oh, Ukyou, you're here!"
"...Ukyou?" Ryouga looked up, startled.
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom.
"Yeah, Ukyou's gonna help me with my homework." Akane nodded.
"Well, Akane's gonna help me out too. It's a tough assignment."
"Uhm, excuse me." Ryouga grinned and ran down the hall. Holding
the bottle up, he growled at it as soon as he found a corner. "What do you mean
granted?"
"HEY, it was your wish, Master."
"THAT WASN'T WHAT I MEANT!" Ryouga yelled at the bottle.
"Gee, Ryouga, keep it down would you!" Nabiki scolded as she
walked past.
"Yes, Master, keep it down. You've only got one wish remaining
now."
Nabiki stopped. Slowly she turned, step by step, inch by inch.
"I want a refund! That last wish wasn't what I wanted!"
"Here's your exact wording, Master." The woman stopped speaking
and Ryouga's voice could be heard. "I...I...wish that Akane......were completely,
helplessly, totally...i-in love with......Ukyou?"
"It's not my fault!" Ryouga squeezed the bottle tighter. "I meant
to say that I wish..."
Nabiki clapped her hand over Ryouga's mouth before he could
complete the sentence. "Ryouga-baby, me and you and that little bottle of
yours are going to have a nice little talk, and you're NOT going to use that
word."
"Hmmmpphhh!" Ryouga nodded. Nabiki didn't remove her hand
though she loosened it so he could breathe some.
"Lust spells, Ryouga? You'd think after seeing Shampoo fail
as much as she has that you'd have learned they never work out as intended."
"Shampoo," mumbled Ryouga, he spotted Kasumi sticking her head
up the stairs, curious about the noise. "Nabiki, Kasumi."
Nabiki slowly removed her hand.
"Lust? Ah hah hah ha." Ryouga tried to pass it off as ridiculous,
after all, his feelings for Akane were much deeper than mere lust.
"Yo, Akane! Ucchan!"
"Ranma," growled Ryouga. He was about to add more. Something
about this all being his fault.
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom. "That's three!" The bottle
went silent.
Ryouga stared at the bottle. "What?!?"
Nabiki pulled the bottle away from Ryouga. "What did he do?"
"Oh, a new Master already. He used up his three wishes."
Nabiki paused. "He said he wished...then he...no. No."
No, that couldn't be it, she didn't feel any different, after all.
"You're a jeannie lamp, like on TV?" Images of Barbara
Eden appearing in a cloud of pink smoke were forced down in Nabiki's mind.
"TV? Hang on a sec. Oh. Actually, I'm a marid."
"B-B-But I..." Ryouga looked at the bottle in Nabiki's
hands. He looked like he was ready to cry.
"Three wishes, huh?" Nabiki smirked. "Any particular
limitations, exclusions, riders, hidden pricetags, or problems with
these wishes?"
There was a pause from the lamp. "Wow, guess you've
got a bit more on the ball than fang-boy there."
Nabiki smirked. "Get on with it."
"Local changes only. Nothing that has world class
repercussions. No pricetags beyond the ones you put in through
your wording. Same goes for problems. Fang-boy there is a major
example of those."
"So what do YOU get out of it," Nabiki wanted to
know.
"Mainly amusement," said the voice. "See, I've
got to do this gig until I grant a completely selfless wish.
You can tell how often THAT happens."
------------------------------------------
Loki looked down at the cat. "She's lying."
"She's one of yours." Toltiir shrugged.
"I wasn't disapproving."
------------------------------------------
Commercial break:
Nabiki smirks at the camera. "I work a LOT with
photography."
cut to: pictures of Ranma-chan asleep, Kuno kissing
Kodachi's feet, Hiroshi and Daisuke in the locker room trying
to cover their privates, Unnamed Boy and Unnamed Girl necking
in the hallway of their High School, Akane looking guilty and
trying to hide something behind her back.
Nabiki voiceover: "Color film with good definition, that handles
odd lighting conditions and all sorts of unforeseen environmental
changes."
Back to Nabiki, still smirking. She holds up a green and
white box. "For all YOUR extortion needs. Fuji Film, the choice of
experts."
we now return to the regularly scheduled fanfic, currently in
progress.
--------------------------------------------
"So, you see, Akane, while they use double and triple
negatives, that's street slang and not considered proper English."
Ukyou watched as Ranma got up to get some snacks. Maybe she
should have brought some okonomiyaki.
"Yeah, I kinda..." Akane looked up at Ukyou and
realized she had never really seen the okonomiyaki chef. She'd
looked at her plenty of times, but she'd never really SEEN the
other girl. She was really, really, cute.
"Akane, do you feel all right?" Ukyou looked on with
some concern. She hadn't seen that sort of expression on Akane,
ever.
"Mmmm-hmmmmm?" Akane blinked, her eyes tracing
those imminently kissable lips, those expressive sandalwood eyes,
those lovely cheekbones...
"Akane?" Ukyou wondered what was wrong with her
rival for Ranma. "You look all flushed. Do you need me to get
Kasumi or Nabiki?"
"No, no, I'm fine." Akane smiled and looked down,
blushing slightly. Ukyou was concerned about her. It made her
feel so warm. Ukyou was SUCH a good friend. "Ukyou-chan..."
Akane seemed to caress Ukyou's name as she said it.
Ukyou was a little more concerned. This was just an
English assignment, why was Akane acting like this? If it had
been acting, well, this could have at least fit into something
comprehensible. "Akane?!"
Akane leaned moved a little closer to Ukyou, and
caressed her hair. "You have such beautiful hair, Ukyou, so soft
and..."
Ukyou scuttled back as quickly as she could. "Hey,
come on, Akane, you're scaring me! What's going on?"
"Oh, nothing," Akane pouted. "We're just such good
friends, and I think we could be much BETTER friends."
Her back against the wall, Ukyou nodded. "Yeah. I
guess. If it weren't for your engagement to Ranchan, I s'pose."
Akane brightened. "Really?! Then I give him to you!
I relinquish the hold my family has on him so he can marry you.
Does that make you happy, Ukyou?"
Ranma stopped at the door and dropped the tray he
was carrying.
Ukyou blinked. Marry Ranchan? Akane was telling her
that SHE should marry Ranchan? Ukyou pinched herself. No, this
was not a dream. A sudden tidal wave of hormones immediately
overturned her concerns and reservations and swept them out to
sea. An image of herself, wearing white, dancing, laying Ranchan
out on a griddle and licking okonomiyaki sauce off of him....
Akane looked at the silly grin on Ukyou's face, the
crossed eyes, the little trail of drool, and smiled herself. She'd
already pleased Ukyou. She'd do anything for Ukyou, anything
at all. Ukyou was so kind, and good, and beautiful, and made
such wonderful okonomiyaki...
Ranma just went into shock. Akane was happier than
he'd seen her in quite some time. Had all his suspicions about the
two of them been wrong after all? He stepped back away from the
doorway, forgetting the fallen tray. How? Why?
Ryouga wandered into the room, saw that he'd found
Akane's bedroom again, then left.
---------------------------------------------
"So," Nabiki regarded the bottle in her hands. She had
sent Ryouga to go get some books from downstairs. With any luck
he wouldn't be able to interfere with her until she'd had her fun. "What
should I go for first?"
"Whatever you like, Master." the bottle answered. Both
paused as Ranma ran past the doorway. Was that a sob?
"How about..." Nabiki thought over the wording. "I wish that I
had about 45 million yen in gold coins, unmarked by any security precautions
or the like, in good condition, and that is obtained in such a way that no one
is going to come looking for me, my family, or the money." Nabiki winced,
wondering how disaster was going to strike.
"Hmmmm. Granted!" Crackle. Thoom.
------------
Kasumi looked outside. That's odd, she kept hearing thunder.
------------
Takeuchi Soichiro looked into the vault at the money
gleaned from this month's operations and converted into international
capital (krugerrands) and ...blinked. The Yakuza crime boss watched as
the suitcases of ransom money they'd just converted abruptly ...vanished.
Panic hit. No one would believe him. He'd made a living out
of betraying confidences, brutal violent acts, and being one of the nastiest
sharks in some very dangerous waters.
Takeuchi considered his options:
a) Tell them the truth, that a large chunk of money had just vanished of its
own accord. (Problem: they'd kill him.)
b) Throw himself on their nonexistent mercy and come up with a story that
one of his men had absconded with the money. (Problem: they'd kill both
the scapegoat AND him.)
c) Flee with enough of the remaining funds to some foreign country where
they'd never find him. (Problem: they'd find him.)
Deciding that since A&B were instant death and C would at least
prolong his existence, Takeuchi decided to run. Antarctica sounded nice.
------------------------------
Nabiki took each of the suitcases, opened them up so that the
coins made a large pile, and leapt into them. She did the backstroke, she
held up a double-handful and let them cascade over her, she buried herself
in gold coins and hugged the metal to her.
Nabiki had the sort of grin on her face that usually accompanied
multiple orgasms except she wasn't tired.
Then, very carefully, she rounded up each and every coin. She
put them back in suitcases and hid them under the bed. She restrained
herself from laughing hysterically and yelling "mineminemine" a lot. She
only said it a few times while possessively hugging the suitcases.
As she put the suitcases away one last time, Nabiki looked
up at the clock. Only fifty nine minutes had passed since she had taken
the bottle away from Ryouga. She had everything she needed, so what
could go wrong?
-------------------------------------------
more strangeness by metro...@mindspring.com
http://metroanime.home.mindspring.com/
disclaimer #1: i don't own these characters.
disclaimer #2: this is just written for amusement, it is
NOT intended to be taken as great literature.
-----------------------------------------------------
BOTTLE OF DJINN 2: Ranma gets Shampooed
-----------------------------------------------------
Toltiir smirked at Loki. "See, Nabiki learned.
She was prepared to use her second wish to negate or
modify the first wish."
"Luck," argued Loki. "She'll screw herself
up with wish number two or three. They always do."
"Well," Toltiir waved a paw, "she's gonna
get screwed. By Ryouga's THIRD wish if nothing else.
Then again, it's not HER that I'm hoping will put
Haurvatat in a better mood."
----------------------------------------
Kasumi glanced up to watch Ranma attacking
the practice target as if it had personally offended him.
More, that it had offered him a mortal offense.
The clock ticked over another minute. Ryouga's
last wish went into effect.
Kasumi's smile changed slightly as she watched
Ranma's lithe musculature move through a set of attacks.
Precise focussed thrusts that set off his muscle definitions
so well. The slight sheen of perspiration further defining
the well toned body before her as...
"Oh my!" Kasumi tore her gaze away from the
window and back to the stove. This wasn't proper. Wasn't
proper at all. She felt all flushed and...warm.
A shift in the noise level brought her attention
back to Ranma. He was now doing kicks, and the tight
definition of his butt was clearly visible to Kasumi.
She started fanning herself. The kitchen seemed
to be awfully warm today.
------------------------------------
Nabiki smiled up at the ceiling. She'd had fantasies
about Ranma before. She figured that the money being hers,
that she could indulge in a little harmless fantasy where she
had another of her needs addressed.
Nobody ever noticed, but Nabiki had often taken
pictures of Ranma's male side as well as his female side. The
difference being that she SOLD the girl pictures.
Nobody knew. Nobody suspected. She was the
Ice Queen, after all.
Nabiki sat up, wondering exactly where Saotome
was. Now that she had money, perhaps she could indulge in
other things...
-------------------------------------
"You're sure no one'll mind, Akane?"
"When we stayed over at the Ucchan's during that
bit with the Gambling King, I noticed how small your bath was.
I'm sure everyone will be quite all right with you taking a nice
long soak in our furo..." Akane suppressed a grin. And she'd
get to scrub Ukyou-sama's back... "I just need to tell Nabiki
and Kasumi."
Ukyou wasn't sure about this. Yes, a long soak where
she could stretch out sounded WONDERFUL. On the other
hand, Akane was acting awfully weird. In favor, she could use
said long soak, particularly before the announcement Akane
would make that she was giving up Ranma to support Ukyou
as Ranma's True Fiancee.
Ukyou followed Akane to Nabiki's room, but it
turned out to be empty.
"Ooooh, this is nice," Akane picked up a bottle.
"Looks like oneechan has gotten some more of those
scented imported oils. Or is this bubble bath?"
Ukyou made a face at the thought of a bubble bath
in a furo. "Akane, are you sure about giving up Ranma..."
"Of course, Ukyou-chan." Akane nodded emphatically.
"You know you're the best among all his fiancees. If Ranma is what
you really want...then you should get him."
Ukyou wiped a tear away. After all this time, SOMEBODY
saw that she was the best choice. And it was one of her rivals! Life
was good. "If only Ranma could see that."
"You're too good for him, that's my thought." Akane
frowned, she couldn't find the label. "You're nice, intelligent,
sexy, cute, a great cook, a wonderful person, caring, a great
fighter, polite, considerate... I only wish Ranma were like that."
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom.
Ukyou blinked. "Akane? The bottle talked?"
Akane had frozen, now she dropped the laughing
bottle and backed away from it. "Uh oh. You suppose Nabiki stole it?
I bet it's from the Nekohanten."
"If it's magic, it's trouble," Ukyou tried not to think
about all the praise that had been heaped on her by Akane. If
only Ranma would say such things.
-------------------------
Ranma missed the next kick as Something Happened.
Reeling on the ground, he waited for the odd sensation to pass.
"Ranma, are you okay," Kasumi came running from the
house with rather more speed than he recalled ever seeing from her
before.
"Uhm, yes, Kasumi. Thank you for your concern." Ranma
shook his head. He still felt kinda...funny. As if something were off.
"I seem to be experiencing a slight bit of dizziness, perhaps I'm getting
an inner ear infection or something. I'm sure it's nothing."
"Oh poor baby," Kasumi murmurred, checking him for
a fever. He needed someone to soothe his fevered brow. Maybe
other parts were fevered as well.
"Uhm, Kasumi? Do YOU feel okay?" Ranma wondered
why Kasumi was clutching him like that. Her hands felt considerably
warmer than his head in any case.
The sound of a shogi tile being dropped reminded both
of them of their audience. Both Soun and a certain panda were staring
open-mouthed at the scene of Kasumi clutching Ranma to her bosom
and murmurring words of sympathy.
"Oh, everybody's here." Akane came down the stairs with
Ukyou. "No time like the present then."
Everyone's eyes went to Nabiki who was lying on the floor
staring at Ranma. She had just growled at Ranma. She wiggled her
eyebrows and was eating a carrot in a very suggestive manner.
Soun's hair started sticking up in a very odd looking
hairstyle. The panda was waving around a sign that read [Huh?!]
"Everyone," said Akane with a big sigh. "I've decided I'm
no longer engaged to Ranma. I'm now completely supporting Ukyou's
engagement as the most valid one!"
Soun was too shocked even to weep. The panda fainted.
Both realized that Akane was not saying this in anger, as was usual for
her "not engaged anymore" speech. She was saying this with a slightly
regretful-looking smile.
"No, Akane. A Tendo _must_ marry Ranma!" Kasumi
shook her head and clutched Ranma a little tighter. "I'll do it! It's
about time that someone got all this over with!"
Soun made a noise in his throat that might have been
an interrogative.
"Hmmm," Nabiki smiled speculatively at Ranma. "I
think Ranma needs a bachelor party. I'll make the arrangements!"
She thought it ought to be a small affair, two people ought to be
right. She'd bring the ...entertainment.
"Eeep," managed Soun Tendo. Maybe he ought to
faint now. That sounded so nice...
"What?!" Ranma's voice was muffled from his current
position. He was sure Kasumi didn't intend to clutch him like this.
All a mistake, yeah, that was it. Or this was a nightmare and Akane
would come kick him awake at any moment.
Nabiki smirked and uncoiled from her position. She
knew what her second wish would be now. Oh boy, this was
going to be FUN!
---------------------------------
commercial break:
Kasumi is walking from the front door of her
house to her own room. She is walking calmly, unhurriedly, and
with complete obliviousness to the events around her.
Ranma sparring with Genma, Ukyou is matching her spatula
against a load of gymnastic equipment from Kodachi,
Ryouga and Kuno are fighting umbrella vs bokken, various
unnamed martial artists are duking it out in the background,
Akane is chasing Happosai with a large mallet (and knocking
over various props in the background), Nabiki is smirking and
has her camera, a typical Nerima mob melee sequence...
Kasumi gently closes the door, unlocks a drawer,
sits back and smiles lazily as she brings something up to her
mouth.
Camera focuses on a set of bars of Swartenbroeckx(r)
Belgian chocolates.
Voiceover: "Swartenbroeckx, for when the ordinary is not an option.
Available at Trader Joe's and other fine stores."
we now return to our regularly scheduled fanfic already in
progress.
-------------------------------------------------
"SHAMPOOOO!"
<CRUNCH, SMASH, BREAK!>
"Free! Airen, I am coming for you!" Shampoo leapt from
cafe to roof to roof.
Cologne shrugged. She had wanted Shampoo to keep
some dignity but it looked like whatever the girl had ingested was
just too strong. It had to have been some sort of powerful love potion.
Kami only knew where Shampoo had gotten this one.
Mousse gurgled from his position in the floor.
"You know, Mousse, I think maybe those chains weren't
strong enough."
Mousse gurgled again, sounding agreeable.
"Maybe you shouldn't have talked to her about her
symptoms of arousal."
Another gurgle. Mousse began the task of trying to
pry himself out of the floor.
"You certainly shouldn't have touched."
That was definitely a sound of agreement. One of
Mousse's arms popped free of the flooring.
Cologne sighed. "I just hope that whatever got into
Shampoo wasn't Bridal Spice."
"Urk?"
"If it is, she'll just continue to run on a hotter flame
until she indulges."
"Urk!"
"Well, the way she was acting, I practically expect
her to consummate their relationship regardless of where son-in-law
is when they meet."
"UNG!" Mousse flapped around a bit more until it was
absolutely obvious that he was stuck. "Urk?"
"No, Mousse, I don't think that you should go smite
Ranma." Cologne shrugged. "At least this might convince her to
leave my spice cabinet alone."
-----------------------------------------
"Yes, Nabiki. What's up?" Ranma blinked again.
He still felt rather odd.
Nabiki played with an odd looking bottle in her hands
and looked up at him through half-lidded eyes. "Not nearly as much
as I hope to have up in _very_ short order," she purred.
"Yeah, whatever. This isn't about more pictures of
my cursed form to sell to Kuno, is it?"
"Oh no, Ranma-kun." Nabiki pouted and raked over
his form with her eyes. The pout changed to a predatory grin.
"We have other points to go over."
"AIREN!" Something shattered Nabiki's window,
knocking Nabiki aside as it passed her.
Nabiki looked up, slightly dazed, at Ranma being
glomped by Shampoo. Actually, this was less a glomp than
a...
Nabiki's eyes narrowed as Ranma's shirt was
thrown aside and Shampoo started kissing along Ranma's
neck and shoulder. "I don't think so, Shampoo. OK, bottle,
my second wish is that Shampoo would fall asleep and
that Ranma would make mad passionate love..."
Kasumi entered in a hurry, bearing a tray with
a few hot cups of tea. Upon tangling with Ranma and
Shampoo, Kasumi started to fall.
"...to..." Nabiki's eyes watched the arc of hot
liquid coming towards her and she barely moved out of
the way. "KASUMI! Be a little more careful. Uh oh."
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom.
"Uhm, does anyone want to explain this?" Ranma
had noted that Shampoo had gone all stiff and Nabiki
looked like she had just lost money.
"Ryouga? What are you doing in my room?"
Akane's voice came down the hall.
"It didn't work?" Nabiki said hopefully.
"The second wish is delayed by five minutes.
The third wish is delayed by an hour. Only the first wish
is instant." A voice came from the bottle in Nabiki's hand.
"So the second wish..." Nabiki was disappointed.
Well, she had enough time to set up a camcorder in Kasumi's
room, at least.
"In five minutes, Shampoo will fall asleep. Usual
Sleeping Beauty thing, she has to be kissed by her true love
for her to awaken, that sort of thing. Ranma will be busy though,
cause he'll be making mad passionate love to your older sister."
"Oh my!" Kasumi tried not to grin. She was failing
miserably. "That wouldn't be proper behavior. Not proper at all."
"Uhm, excuse me, Shampoo, I feel a sudden need to
go on an extended training mission. Far far away." Ranma
struggled within the grip of the Amazon Glomp. "I think I need
to start immediately..."
"I get one more wish, that will take place one hour after
I make it, right?" Nabiki started thinking fast.
"Excuse me, Nabiki, may I?" Kasumi smiled and held her
hand out. "Since the first wish is instant, let me fix the problem."
Nabiki looked at her sister. Yeah, it would have to be an
instant fix. Now, how should she word it? "Okay, now to deal with
the two effects of my ill-worded wish..."
Kasumi looked at the bottle and opted for something
simple. Unfortunately, raging hormones make intelligent decisions
difficult. This was why the problem she wanted to fix was not the
same problem Nabiki thought it was. "I wish that Ranma and I were
married right now."
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom.
-------------------------
Genma moved a piece on the shogi board. "Sounds like a
big storm coming, Tendo."
"Oh, maybe..." Soun knew better than to look away from
the board.
-------------------------
"What?!" Nabiki's hair toinged out. Kasumi was wearing
a wedding gown?
"What?!" Shampoo slid to the ground, staring at a
rival she had never expected. Groom looked handsome in his
tuxedo...
"I now pronounce you man and wife," said the
priest. "Now where's the sake?"
Everyone's eyes watched the priest amble off.
Ranma considered fainting. He decided that it
couldn't make things much worse, and slumped to the floor.
Kasumi sighed and started dragging Ranma off
to her room. She figured she had about three minutes left.
Shampoo reached out to snag the bottle up.
"Shampoo wish that Ranma love and marry Shampoo!"
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom.
"I now pronounce you man and wives." The
priest sighed. "NOW can I go get the sake?"
Kasumi frowned. Well, Shampoo would fall
asleep in a little over two minutes now, so that would
take care of her. Besides, it was about time that she got
something for all the responsibilities she had shouldered.
Something that filled this burning need would be good.
"Maybe if I wish that...no..." Nabiki started
to work at the wording of this. It had to be clever. Lifting
the bottle, she left the two girls to argue over the fainted
(or showing remarkable sense for once and faking it) Ranma.
"RYOUGA! What are you doing wandering into
my room like that!" Akane's voice came from down the hall.
"Help me, Ryouga!" Ukyou's voice came from the
same location. "No, Akane, please, can't we just be friends?"
Nabiki nodded. No peace and quiet from THAT
direction, and she had to be really careful about how she
phrased this. "You DO know that multiple marriages are
illegal in Japan."
"No problem." The bottle answered back giving
a throaty chuckle. "Lawyers make laws, right? They always
put loopholes in for themselves, right? If anybody looks now,
they'll see that there's a special clause if one of the wives is
actually a Chinese Amazon. Heck, just in case, I stuck in an
additional loophole regarding Jusenkyo victims and your own
heritage..."
"Oh dear." Nabiki thought about this. "Isn't that one
of those effects with scope past the local that you said you
couldn't do?" The FURO! She could go in there and not be
disturbed.
"Nah, the scope is still quite limited. It's specific to
the Tokyo area, and only concerns the one tribe of Amazons."
The bottle fell silent for a moment. "Y'know, you COULD simply
wish that none of this had ever happened."
"Do I look like a fool?" Nabiki shivered. Taking advice
FROM the djinni was a recipe for disaster in more than one old
story.
"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaa!" Ukyou ran past Nabiki, making
a break for the front door.
---------------------------------------
more strangeness by metro...@mindspring.com
http://metroanime.home.mindspring.com/
disclaimer #1: i don't own these characters.
disclaimer #2: this is just written for amusement, it is
NOT intended to be taken as great literature.
-----------------------------------------------------
BOTTLE OF DJINN 3
-----------------------------------------------------
A little black cat turned towards his unwanted companion
and gave the sort of long suffering look that comes from
having been around for thousands of years and still
seeing events like these transpire.
"I thought you were trying to cheer up ol' Haurvatat,
weren't you?" Loki scratched his head. "Somehow I don't
think having Akane Tendo trying to give Ukyou Kuonji a bath,
or Nabiki in lust with Ranma, or Kasumi and Shampoo in lust with
and married to Ranma is going to give a Persian goddess of purity any
particular thrill. I just don't see it, meself."
"This sucks," Toltiir responded without enthusiasm. "I was
rather hoping that Kasumi would surprise everyone and pull
a miracle from the jaws of disaster." He never HAD gotten along
with Loki. He'd had a bad feeling about this the moment the
Norse had shown up.
"Well, look at it this way, shorty." Loki pointed at the scene.
"Look at the good things that have happened. Ryouga isn't
completely lost anymore, he can always find Akane's bedroom.
Mind you, this is annoying the hell out of the fair maiden herself."
"She is?" Toltiir blinked. "I thought..."
"No, no, she's a little slow compared to most high
school girls. And it _is_ Japan, after all. They're all kinda late
bloomers there."
"That's not what I've heard," Toltiir mumbled. "OK.
Ryouga's able to find a bedroom. Nabiki's fabulously wealthy.
Kasumi's... hmmm. "
"A lot more limber than I thought she'd be," Loki
chuckled.
"Huh? HEY!" Toltiir spat and made a point of NOT
watching the scene unfolding in Kasumi's room. "I don't do
lemons."
"Then you got about thirty seconds before
Kasumi gets into some serious Honeymoon action, kittycat."
Loki chuckled. He was Norse pantheon so lusty behavior was
expected.
"Let's see," the cat began. "Hmmm. Tatewaki Kuno?
No. A horde of vikings? Been done before. Tentacled aliens?
No, they're all auditioning for that Urotsukidoji/Evangelion fusion.
Running battle from Urusei Yatsura? Too obscure. Maybe THIS..."
-------------------------------------------------------
"Now, Ranma-kun," whispered Kasumi throatily as
she unbuttoned his shirt. "We'll see if you're good at something
besides martial arts."
Ranma came awake, realizing that maybe fainting had
NOT been such a good idea after all.
"Meow?!"
Ranma stiffened. Two mice crashed through the window,
looking momentarily stunned, then ran down the hallway as if all
the demons of hell were right behind them. Ranma might have agreed
with the sentiment if he were able.
Cats appeared, streaming through the window, racing over
the bed, swarming over the occupants, and finally speeding down the
hallway after the two white mice. There were alley cats and sleek persians,
dark Abyssinians and tailless Manx. They only had one thing in common
other than species, each was unheeding of all obstacles as they pursued
the two mice.
Kasumi sat back and pouted, blowing a few cathairs out of her
mouth as she did so. "Well, that was...unusual, eh, Ranma-kun? Ranma-kun?"
Ranma looked up from where he was crouched near the foot of
the bed. "Mrowr?!"
----------------------------------------------
Nabiki considered the bottle as she fitted the often ignored
"Occupied" sign into place and closed the door to the furo. A nice hot
soak, well she'd launched a number of plans from there before. Most
had worked out.
She opened the inner door and paused, KNOWING that
someone was hiding behind the door. Running through a number of
suspects, she eliminated most and smiled. "It's OK, Ukyou. I'm not
Akane."
"How much?" The chef's voice came from her position.
"How much is this going to cost me?"
"Two deluxe okonomiyaki specials with all the trimmings
at a lunch to be named later." Nabiki thought about it. "Make it four
and I won't tell Akane where to find you."
"Done." Ukyou didn't hesitate a heartbeat.
Nabiki smiled and closed the door. Sure, she had enough
money to not worry for a long time to come, but she didn't want to
get rusty either.
"Nabiki, what's going on? Akane's been acting awfully
weird, Ryouga walked out of Akane's room and came back out of
Akane's closet a moment later, a horde of cats went through a few
minutes ago pursuing a couple of white mice, and there was a priest
wandering through here not too long ago looking for wedding sake.
I mean, things are pretty weird around here, but this is just gone
way past my tolerance levels." Ukyou paused. "And you just came
fully dressed into your own bathroom."
"Make that an additional condition for my silence. Your
silence." Nabiki thought about this for a moment. "Bottle, tell me
about each of the wishes that have been made so far."
The bottle spoke, which reminded Ukyou where she'd
last seen the thing.
"Fang-boy's instant wish was to be able to find Akane
Tendo's bedroom. He can't find anything else, but he can sure find
that bedroom now. His second wish was a bit strange, but he then
wished that Akane Tendo would be in love with some guy named
Ukyou."
"HEY!" Ukyou glared at the bottle, then stalked over and
grabbed the bottle in Nabiki's hand. "Well, I wish she'd be content
that any relationship with me remains platonic!"
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom.
"Ukyou, give that back." Nabiki stepped towards Ukyou
who danced back away in response.
"Growf!" A panda's arm slid the window back the rest of
the way and the other arm snagged the bottle. Ukyou didn't let go
though, so she was dragged out the window after her.
"AT LAST, SAOTOME!" Soun grinned at his partner in
crime. "Our houses will be joined!"
"Growf!" The panda held the bottle up, ignoring kicks
from Ukyou who was still holding tightly to the genie's prison. "Growf
growf growf!"
The bottle spoke again. "I'm not fluent in panda."
Soun gently broke the grip of the chef, then held up
the bottle as soon as Genma relinquished it. Okay, he knocked
Ukyou out from behind then tugged the bottle from his friend's
grip. "I wish that Ranma and Akane were happily married!"
"Granted!" Crackle. Thoom.
---------------------------------------
Kasumi, already happily married to Ranma, heard the
thunder and moaned as Ranma nuzzled the area where neck met
shoulder. He'd come out of the cat fist in accordance with the
parameters of Nabiki's second wish.
Akane blinked, looked over at a bewildered but happy
Mousse, and smiled happily at her husband.
---------------------------------------
Soun looked at the bottle. "Granted? That's it?"
"What did you want? Both Ranma and Akane are
happily married. Isn't that what you wished for?"
Genma came up and held out his hand, having
used a cup of hot tea to turn back into his human form.
Soun, deep in thought, handed over the bottle.
"I wish that I didn't turn into a panda!"
"GRANTED!" Crackle. Thoom. Splash!
A thousand gallons of fresh Jusenkyo
springwater splashed down in the Tendo backyard.
The sudden flood swept over two middle-aged men, a bottle
(which was unaffected), an unconscious chef, the two white mice
who were hiding, splashed the girl stalking out of the house
(to retrieve her bottle), the three carp in the pond, and the
unfortunate horde of cats.
--------------commercial break--------------------
"Hi, I Rink! douzo"
"Hi, I Pink! douzo"
"Many peoples no know us in America. douzo"
"Partly because no many people watch Ranma, and also no
English release issues we appears in. douzo"
"That's why," the two amazons said, speaking in unison
and pulling out nearly identical cards, "we carries this!"
VOICEOVER: "Passports. Don't leave your country without them."
--------------------------------------------------------
Genma used her fingers to flick water out of her eyes
and realized that this hadn't been the most intelligent wish that she
could have made.
Soun's gaze conveyed the same opinion.
"Hmmm," Nabiki hummed. She had the most odd urge to
go bake cookies.
"Saotome, that was not a very good wish to make."
"Pardon me," a young lady with white hair and a high
forehead interrupted. "Do I understand correctly that the brass
bottle there is able to contravene the normally immutable laws of
physics and to grant something like wishes?"
"Wow, Brain!" A vapid-looking woman with similar
white hair and a much lower forehead exclaimed. "Do you suppose
you can get your deposit back on that one?"
"Perhaps the device needs adjustment?" The first
white-haired woman said, glaring at the second one. "If I might
take a look at it, I can see if it's defective."
Genma looked down at her gi, still in shock, and
actually handed the bottle over until she realized what she had
just done.
"BWAHAHAHAHA!" A former white mouse held the
bottle up to the heavens. "I wish that I ruled the world!"
"Sorry, outside my scope, only local changes allowed."
"Ooooo. The bottle spoke, Brain." Pinky captured the
pretty bottle before it could hit the ground.
The Brain realized just how Bad this could be and
froze. Not the most effective survival mechanism to be sure.
"Wish that we were freed of these curses," suggested
Genma then thought about it. "Wish that we were free of ALL
curses."
"Wish that we didn't have so many houseguests,"
said Soun, eyes huge as he continued to count naked young
attractive women (some of whom used to be cats) trying to
get used to the novel concept of standing on two legs.
Nabiki realized that her self control was rapidly
being eroded by the lust spell. Only one thing to do. "Wish
that Nabiki had a Ranma of her very own." Unfortunately,
she wouldn't get the chance.
"No, Pinky," mumbled the Brain as he realized that
his associate was about to say something. "Please no."
"I wish..." Pinky began, then noticed that she was
a naked and quite attractive young woman in someone's
backyard. "I wish I had..." Her eyes started darting around,
noting that the vast majority of women present were likewise
unclothed.
There were at least two functional (and not very
often consulted) brain cells in Pinky's head. As the curse
reared its lovely head, those two brain cells started playing
with all these lovely hormone-thingies and wondering what
they could do about certain wants and needs.
"...that we all had..."
Everyone else present felt Disaster coming riding
in on her horse, looming over them in the manner that she
often does. Soun and Genma both made grabs for the bottle.
Nabiki decided that discretion was the better part of valor
and perhaps she should be elsewhere. Ukyou was groggily
regaining consciousness.
The cats weren't sure what the heck was going on.
The carp, on the other hand, had discovered that they were
on dry land and were flopping around in an unfortunate if not
completely unexpected manner.
The Brain noted that with Disaster looming, that
time did indeed seem to dilate. Seconds stretching out into
what seemed like minutes. The dull thoom of her heartbeat,
even though she intellectually knew it was racing.
"...some better idea on how we should look and
act like this. Oh yeah, and that we had some clothes."
Brain winced as the genie's voice called out that
the wish had been granted.
------------------------------------
The giggling is what brought Akane and her new
husband's attention to the backyard. It managed to penetrate
Akane's marital bliss that the scene outside was quite...unusual.
A large number of quite attractive women, in various
states of undress, were passing a brass bottle around in between
bouts of giggling and repeated attempts to sing "Girls Just Wanna
Have Fun."
Mousse turned his attention to his beautiful wife,
wondering why he had ever been attracted to Shampoo when there
was Akane around. She even hit better than Shampoo.
Having better things to do than watch the effects of
the "Spring Of Drowned Bimbo" on a bunch of strangers, Mousse
and Akane turned from the scene to go have a lemon scene in
private. Of course, they were doing it in Nabiki's room as someone
kept showing up in Akane's room.
Ryouga leapt from Akane's window, certain that he would
be able to escape from the room THAT way.
What a pity that the pond was directly below the window.
In the yard, Soun turned a mischievous glance towards her
frequent partner in crime. "You know, Genma, we ought to share this
with the Master."
"The bottle? Are you crazy, Tendo?" Genma interrupted
doing her nails to see if maybe Soun had hit her head or something.
"Not THAT." Soun snagged the bottle. "Bottle, I wish that
Master Happosai were to become a beautiful, sensuous, sexy, woman.
In fact, that he would turn into one of those Victoria's Secret models!"
There was a round of polite applause as the genie giggled
and said that the wish would be granted shortly.
"Wow!" Genma's eyes sparkled. "That is SO nice of you.
For him, er, her that will be a dream come true!"
--------------------------
Haurvatat watched, blinking, as the wish went into
effect. Almost everything else was screwed up, but this...
The Hindu goddess of purity smiled as she watched
Happi modeling lingerie for the camera.
THIS was actually amusing.
============================