[XOver][FanFic] (sur)Real World - Part 6
RpM - acct4/5
previous episodes available at http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/sw1.htm
also see (sur)Real Visions! The (sur)Real cast as done by
the likes of Mike Loader, Zen, Richard Lawson, and others!
Also on the (sur)Real World homepage!
--rpm
--------------------------------------------------------------
He wasn't sure what it was, but lately he'd felt like he had less
energy than he usually did. His sprint was half-hearted. The spring
in his step wasn't quite as springy.
Something had him in a funk.
It couldn't be because he missed _her_, could it?
No. Impossible.
=======================================================================
[SCENE: kitchen, early morning. Ranma and Ataru are there, looking
like they just woke up. The television is showing the morning
news, there's two cups of steaming tea on the table, and Washu is
behind the grill, cooking something. A doorbell ringing disrupts
the tranquil scene, along with an odd sort of whirring noise.]
RANMA: *Yawn* I'll get it, I'll get it.
[SCENE: Doorway, behind Ranma's back from ceiling mounted camera.
The doorbell rings again impatiently.]
RANMA: I'm comin' already, sheesh....
[CAMERA: Ranma opens the door. A large, seven foot tall purple
mecha-suit with two shoulder-mounted cannons stands patiently.
MECH-SUIT: Excuse me, is Nuku-Nuku in?
RANMA: (Blinks several times, rubs eyes, yawns) Ah... yeah. Lemme
check. (closes the door very slowly, then heads off camera)
(Camera switches as Ranma makes his way up the stairs, through the
hallway, then knocks at Nuku's door. The door opens, revealing a
bright and ready Nuku)
NUKU: Yes?
RANMA: There's someone in a mech-suit downstairs for you.
NUKU: Mech-suit? Um... (thinks for a moment) Yay! Arisa-san!
(she bounds happily down the stairs. Ranma blinks, yawns,
then looks at the camera.)
RANMA: Okay, so maybe I should've fought the mech instead. (Pauses
for a moment) But she's used to it all the time and seems to
enjoy it. Should I interrupt? I don't think so.
ATARU: (from off-camera) Hey, who're ya talking to?
RANMA: The camera.
ATARU: Ah. I see.
RANMA: (Begins to head downstairs, but pauses, then looks at the
camera) Look, I ain't kidding. She'll be fine. Really. The
worst thing that could happen is that her friend will wreck the
house. (smiles and laughs to himself) You know, if that
happens, this place'll feel almost like home.
=======================================================================
http://www.uh.edu/~rpm/sw1.htm
=The [sur]Real World=
Writer: RpM
Story Concept: Isabel A. "Izzy-chan"
Advisory Board: The Fanfic ML
-M- Productions
PART 6
Love and Robots
=======================================================================
CAMERA: Urd, Washu, Ranma, & Kyosuke are seated at the table, eating
breakfast. At the moment, breakfast for each is an obscenely
large boiled egg surrounded by bacon and toast.
URD: Hey, where's the kid?
KYOSUKE: Kid?
URD: Nuku. Where is that girl? Mornings aren't quite as... I
dunno... peppy, without her.
RANMA: I think she's (pauses to listen. In the distance, there's the
sounds of explosions and cannon fire) playing with a friend of
hers.
URD: (Nodding) Oh, that's nice.
RANMA: (Tapping the large egg on his plate) What... exactly... is
this?
WASHU: (Frowning) What does it look like? It's a boiled egg.
RANMA: Well, yeah, but... egg of what?
WASHU: Oh. Juraian Spam. (She proceeds to crack it open, revealing
a perfectly ordinary, although ridiculously large boiled egg
inside. Urd shrugs and soon joins her in eating.)
RANMA: (Blinks) spam? But this doesn't...
WASHU: Galactic coincidence.
KYOSUKE: (Poking egg cautiously) Galactic what?
WASHU: Galactic coincidence. In Jurai, a spam is a type of flightless
bird. On earth it's canned and processed mammal. The name
is just coincidence.
KYOSUKE: Ah.... (sees that now even Ranma has gone ahead and started
eating. He shrugs and joins in.) This isn't bad.
(Suddenly, there's a *THWAP* sound and the camera goes black)
=======================================================================
"Hey," said Kyosuke, "I don't know if the station is gonna put up
with that for much longer."
Ataru strode in, making sure that the silly putty was firmly in
place. "If SHE sees me, I'm in deep trouble," he replied. "I am NOT
in the mood for shock therapy."
"You know," said Urd casually, "they can still hear you."
Ataru froze.
Uh oh.
And he'd spent the last several days satisfied with thwapping the
camera with silly putty. Damn damn damn... not good.
"I'm doomed, aren't I?"
The rest of the table nodded solemnly.
Ataru sighed. "Oh well, it couldn't last forever." He shrugged
and took a seat at the breakfast table, looking curiously at what was
on the plate.
"Hey," he asked, tapping his oversized egg, "what's this?
Ostrich?"
"Galactic coincidence, I think," said Kyosuke.
Ataru mulled that over for a moment. "Uh huh."
=======================================================================
(Camera is still black)
Ataru's voice: Hm, this isn't bad.
Washu's voice: You'd expect anything less from my cooking?
(Moment of silence)
Ataru's voice: You cooked this?
Washu's voice: Why are you looking at it suspiciously?
Ataru's voice: I've had bad experiences with alien cooking. Hey, I'm
not going to turn into a wombat after eating this, am
I?
Washu's voice: Feh! Don't be ridiculous.
=======================================================================
As they settled down to eat breakfast, Nuku walked in looking a bit
dusty. She was her usual cheery self, just her usual cheery self
looking as if she'd survived a bomb blast.
"Good morning!" she cheerily said.
"Hey, Nuku," said Urd, "are you okay? What was all that noise?"
"Nuku's friend Arisa came to play!"
The group blinked for a moment, wondering about her definition of
'play', then mutually dropped the subject.
"Hey, let's go out tonight and do something," said Urd.
Kyosuke blinked. This bunch. As a group? In public? Disaster in
the making, surely.
"What do you suggest?" wondered Washu.
"Nightclubs!" suggested Urd happily.
"I dunno," said Ranma, "I'm not feelin' that energetic today."
Actually, he didn't feel like getting into trouble with women, or more
particularly Akane, who might end up hearing about anything that might
happen that tended to happen when he went out sometimes and totally
misunderstand it like she always did.
"Awww," said Urd, "how about you, Kyosuke? C'mon, hm?"
"I don't know," said Kyosuke, sounding doubtful. Actually, he
didn't feel like getting into any embarrassing situations, possibly
involving girls, that would get Madoka upset. The last thing he
needed now was an upset Madoka.
"Hey, sounds good to me!" said Ataru. "C'mon, guys!"
Urd winced. She'd forgotten about _him_. He could prove to be
embarrassing in a night club. "Well, what else can we do?" she
wondered aloud.
"There is this thing you earthlings do that I'm curious about,"
said Washu.
"Oh?" asked Urd. "What is it?"
*
Mamoru Chiba strolled into the house, whistling. Appointments to
keep, things to do, busy busy busy. He just didn't want to, er,
didn't have time to stick around the house.
"Oy, Tux-boy, where ya goin?" asked Ataru as he zoomed past.
"Rockin'the cradle again?"
"Shut up, you. I've just got some stuff to do and..."
Suddenly, Urd appeared behind him and took him by the arm
seductively. "Nonono, Tux-boy, we're going out tonight. I need to be
_entertained_."
Immediately, Mamoru looked at the camera. "I _swear_, this is NOT
what it sounds like. I hope."
*
Urd lovingly caressed the ball with her fingers, letting her breath
wash over its surface. She took it in both hands, gave it a little
kiss... for best results, she would say...
"Hey, Ataru, you're droolin'on the floor, man," said Ranma.
"Huh? Wha?"
Then she rolled the ball... gently... away.
"You know," said Ranma, "if someone had told me that I'd be in
weird situations like this, nobody would have believed me."
"Same here," said Kyosuke.
"Happens to me all the time," said Ataru.
*CRASH*
"Oh yeah!" shouted Urd. "Another one!"
"Yay!" cheered Nuku.
"That's four in a row," said Washu. "Who's next?"
"Hey, Tux-boy! You're up!" yelled Ataru.
"Bowling with aliens, woo-hoo," Mamoru muttered under his breath.
"Now if this was martial arts bowling..." said Ranma quietly.
"Don't be ridiculous. No such thing," said Ataru.
Ranma lifted an eyebrow. "Wanna bet?"
Mamoru stared at the pins, determined to at least not lose by a
ridiculous margin again. Humiliation on public television was
bad enough. Humiliation live in public was something he didn't need.
He took a deep breath... approached the alley... pulled the ball
back... and...
"YO! GOFORITTUXBOY!" yelled Ataru.
...stumbled to a halt.
"Will you stop that?!?!"
The evening's entertainment had started out, roughly, on even
ground, if only during the first frame. Ranma scored a 9, Kyosuke a
6, Ataru a 7, Mamoru an 8, Nuku a 9, Washu a 4, and Urd managed to get
clean up after two tosses.
After that first toss, though, things became very painful for the
boys. Washu did a quick, two minute simulation of the conditions of
the alley, an analysis of the pins, the alley, and the ball, then
proceeded to blaze though with all spares or strike. She even managed
a perfect game.
"Eh, just physics," she replied.
Urd used to hang out with the Celtic gods, and those deities were
bowling freaks. She fondly remembered a good solid century spent on
bowling, beer, and making fun of those greedy little leprechaun guys.
After a few more mediocre tosses, she started steamrolling along
almost as good as Washu.
Nuku's targeting & weapons systems analyzed every toss they all
made, and was soon guiding her along effortlessly. She managed a
perfect score. Twice.
Mamoru never did like bowling. Being a champion of justice and all
gave him some higher physical skill, and so he managed a good average
of 160 despite his inexperience.
Kyosuke never bowled in his life, and it showed. He briefly,
_very_ briefly, considered using his powers to help him look at least
decent. Then the sensible part of his mind reminded him that his
family had to move several times because they were reckless with the
power in the past.
Kyosuke Kasuga bowled honestly. Badly, but honestly.
Ranma never bowled before in his life. He never had an interest.
Bowling didn't involve hitting someone else. It wasn't a martial art.
There was no challenge laid down to him. It wasn't a matter of life
or death. However, he did have his pride. While the score of his
first game was a pitiful 78, by the end of the night he managed to get
several games over 200.
Ataru was embarrassingly miserable at it. Terribly so. Of course,
he lied and said he used to be a real bowling ace. Unfortunately, his
game was far, far away from anything resembling that of a pro bowler.
Things would have stayed that way, but Urd made a terrible mistake.
*
"And another fine round of bowling by Ataru Moroboshi!" teased Urd.
The others clapped politely.
"This just isn't my night," muttered Ataru sadly as he slumped back
into his chair.
"Nice round, Mr. Bowling Champ," said Ranma.
"Really, I can bowl better than this!" protested Ataru. "I've...
just been out of practice!"
Urd smirked, sauntering past Ataru and towards the lane with ball
in hand. "Ha! The day you bowl better than me is the day you get a
kiss from me."
"Did she just say..." asked Ataru.
Kyosuke nodded.
"IT'S A BET!" roared Ataru.
*
One game later, much to everyone's astonishment...
*
"Yessss... yesssss... yeeeeeeeeesssss...."
-CRASH-
"YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" Urd turned ghastly pale, Ataru jumped
around delirious in happiness, and the others were aghast.
Ataru had beaten them all.
Including Urd.
"Urd-chaaaaaaaaaaaaan!"
"Uh oh."
*GLOMP*
"GETOFFAME!" *ZAP*
Kyosuke walked over to Ataru, who seemed to be paralyzed at the
moment. He waved his hand in front of Ataru's eyes, then tried to get
him upright. "Hey, is he okay?"
"Won't be able to move for a while, but otherwise..." said Urd.
"Hey, neat trick," said Ranma. "Pressure point?"
"Something like that," muttered Urd.
"I do believe," said Washu, "that you owe the toad a kiss."
Urd scowled. "Aaagh, don't remind me."
"Well," said Washu, "he didn't say what kind of kiss, now did he?"
While Ataru was mostly paralyzed, his eyes were expressive enough
to indicate that he didn't like where this was going.
"Say, that's true," said Urd. She lifted Ataru up with one arm and
gave him a quick, light, peck on the forehead. At the touch of her
kiss, his paralysis wore off. It didn't help his mood, though.
"You call that a kiss?!?!" yelled Ataru.
"Technically," said Washu.
"Sorta," said Ranma.
"Think so," said Kyosuke.
"Better luck next time," said Mamoru.
"Ugh, someone give me a napkin," said Urd.
"I've been robbed!" yelled Ataru.
Urd stretched a bit and paced around a little. "Well, I think
that's enough for one night. You get enough bowling in, Washu?"
"Thought it was something new," said Washu, "but it's just like
bachey ball."
"Don't you mean bacci ball?" asked Urd. "Italian sport, lots like
bowling?"
"Nope," said Washu. "Bachey ball. Played by the Bachayans. Used
to bachey around with the Bachayan High Father Gvedo Czardushi all the
time. Ah, well, let's go home."
"Hey, waitaminute! I was just getting warmed up!" said Ranma.
"You just don't want to quit because you haven't won a game yet,"
said Mamoru.
"That ain't true! C'mon! One more game?"
"Give it up, Saotome, let's go home."
*
[Later that night...]
He sat on the roof, staring blankly at the soda in his hand. There
was no doubt in his mind now, he was in a rut.
Maybe... maybe he did miss her. A part of his mind screamed in
horror at the possibility, and another part tried to rationalize it by
equating it with the way one misses a familiar building or an old
shoe - it wasn't important, but it just didn't seem right without it.
At least, that's what he told himself.
*
"Aaah, that was fun," sighed Urd, flopping down on the living room
couch. Washu was already seated and commanding the remote control.
Nuku was curled up at the end of one couch, looking rather content.
"What's on the tube, Washu?" asked Urd.
"Washu... what?" asked the diminutive mad scientist.
Urd sighed. "Washu... CHAN." Nearby, Nuku giggled at their
antics. They were so fun, her house mates.
"Much better. And for your information, I'm just trying to find my
favorite drama," replied Washu.
"The thing with the overly-dramatic lumps of protoplasm, right?"
asked Urd.
"Blorple," corrected Washu.
"Whatever. Isn't that a drink?"
"In North America, yes. Gonna watch?"
Urd shrugged. "Might as well. Besides, I gotta admit, it's kinda
addictive."
*
*RIIIIING*RIIIIIING*RIIIIING*RIIII-
//Tendo Residence.//
"Um... Akane?"
//R-Ranma? Is that you?//
"Yeah, s'me.
//Ah... so... what's up?//
"Not much. Just calling... to... er... say hi, I guess."
//Oh.//
"So... um... how are ya doin?"
//I'm okay, I guess. How about you?//
"Doing okay. Tell me, how're all the guys back in Furinkan?"
*
The Goddess and the Genius were surprised.
It wasn't an 'oh my gosh!' sort of surprise or a 'oh noooo!' sort
of surprise. It was more like a 'you're kidding, right?' sort of
surprise.
It was caused by Nuku's comments on the Blorple drama.
It started like this.
"That's kissing, right?"
Urd, being a self-styled Goddess of Love, reacted first. "Well...
yeah." She looked at Nuku's curious expression, then she realized
something. "You've never kissed anyone before, have you?"
Nuku shook her head, embarrassed.
"Hey, it's nothing to be embarrassed about," soothed Urd.
"You're... what.... four, five years old?"
Nuku shrugged. "Nuku-Nuku is just curious because Nuku-Nuku sees
it on tv all the time, and Mama-san and Papa-san kiss sometimes too
even though they yell and shout and shoot each other."
Urd grinned. She had a really fun idea. It might get the boys in
trouble, but no self-respecting Goddess of Love could resist.
Washu noticed the scheming look in Urd's eye and asked, "hey,
what're you planning?"
"Nothing! Nothing! Just thinking." Urd turned her attention back
to Nuku and smiled. "Well, basically, you're supposed to kiss people
you like."
"Um... oh, okay," said Nuku. It was easier putting things in
cat-like terms. She just licked the people who were nice.
Papa-san said not to do that anymore after she licked Mama-san.
So, did Papa-san mean to replace licking with kissing? Maybe.
Being a bit on the simplistic side, Nuku did exactly what she
had just seen on the television screen a moment ago.
She kissed Urd.
On the lips.
And it could be called a slightly passionate kiss.
Washu raised an eyebrow to the event happening on the couch and was
tempted to take notes. Kyosuke was on his way to the kitchen, caught
sight of what was happening, and stepped right back out immediately,
trying to control a slight nosebleed.
Finally, Urd managed to break the kiss, and was looking a little
surprised. "Um... well... that was nice, Nuku, but that isn't
exactly what I meant."
"Hey, I didn't know you were like that," said Washu.
"Well, I'm not," replied Urd, "at least... I haven't been for a
long time, anyways." She got a slightly wistful look in her eyes,
muttering, "yeah, Sappho, she was great."
Sensing her internal power sources needed a little recharge and
rest, Nuku slinked off to grab a bite to eat, then get some sleep.
*
//...and then Miss Hinako said, 'What stick?'//
"HAHAHA! Aw, man, wish I coulda been there for that."
//I... wish you were there too.//
"Um... Akane?"
//Yes, Ranma?//
"I... ah... mmmrrfffm?!?!"
//Ranma? Ranma? Hey, what's going on there?//
*
=======================================================================
SCENE: kitchen. Ranma is frozen like a statue, phone in hand,
Nuku on lips. Nuku finally breaks the kiss, while
Ranma is still frozen in shock, although he's turned an
unnatural shade of pale and his eyes are wide open in shock.
Nuku: Hihi, Ranma-kun!
Ranma: ah... um... I... well...
Nuku: (blinks) is something wrong?
Ranma: Er, no, um, nothing...
Nuku: (smiles) Oh? Good! (she grabs a bag of chips and bounds away
merrily)
Ranma: (he stands there, blinking, for a good solid minute.
finally, he snaps out of it.)
ah... ah... (looks at camera)
I SWEAR, this ISN'T my fault! It's NOT NOT NOT MY FAULT!
=======================================================================
//Ranma? Ranma? Hey, Ranma? Still there? Hello?//
"Ah... yeah."
//Hey, what happened?//
"N-nothing... ah... nothing at all."
*
----------------[the next morning]----------------
In the backyard, Ataru and Kyosuke had discovered something
surprising.
They had something in common.
"How do they look?" asked Kyosuke from his lounge chair.
Ataru adjusted his sunglasses and squinted. "Hmm... nice'n tasty,
although I can't help but think I'm missing something. Oh, might
wanna flip that one over."
"Oh yeah, sorry. Ah... don't you think that's too hot?
"Nah, trust me, it's better that way."
"You do this often?" asked Kyosuke.
"Me? A little bit. Sometimes it was either that or eat _her_
cooking. You?"
"Always wanted to try something a little more skillful than
instant ramen."
Ataru grinned triumphantly. "Hey, we're not doing half bad, now
are we?"
"Well, it still looks good, so I guess we're doing all right."
Ataru grabbed his can of soda from a nearby table and reclined in a
lounge chair. "Yeah, doin'absolutely all right. All I need now is a
harem. Oh yeah..." His voice trailed off. A lecherous grin emerged.
He closed his eyes and sighed.
"You know, you really shouldn't be like that," said Kyosuke.
Ataru blinked. "Like what?" he wondered.
"Well... lecherous."
"Hey, I'm not some mindless pervert, y'know."
"No?" Kyosuke raised an eyebrow.
"Nope, not at all." Ataru put down his soda and sat up, looking
contemplative. "I live life to the fullest, that's what I do. I
mean, we're not young forever, and while we're in the springtime of
our lives we've _got_ to take that chance. Otherwise, you'll spend
the rest of your life wondering what could have been."
"And that's why you chase after anything with a skirt?" asked
Kyosuke.
"Hey, I have my standards," said Ataru, clearly offended.
"Okay, anything cute in a skirt."
"AHEM."
"Any cute GIRL in a... no, I guess you wouldn't care what they're
wearing."
"Bingo."
"So that's why you chase after girls, huh?"
"Nono, not just girls," said Ataru. "Beautiful girls."
"Beautiful girls?"
"Beautiful girls." Ataru took a moment to chug more of his soda,
then continued. "Beautiful girls, Kyosuke, are more than just beauty.
They're more, to me, than just objects to stare at."
Ataru took a brief moment to take another sip from his cola, then
once more looked amazingly serious, hunched over and looking out into
the horizon. "A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been
drinking American black coffee all day with lots of sugar. She can
make you feel high with the single greatest commodity known to man:
Promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise
of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gaze of a
beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, how she makes every rotten
little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay."
Ataru looked Kyosuke in the eyes, and at that moment Kyosuke saw an
amazing amount of intelligence and wisdom behind those eyes. "A
beautiful girl is a shining light, a ray of hope, a promise of a
better tomorrow. Beautiful girls, my friend, make the world go
'round."
"So... you're really chasing after a better tomorrow?"
"Now you're beginning to understand."
"That's deep."
"What can I say," said Ataru, shrugging, "I'm just this guy..."
From the kitchen door, Nuku emerged.
"Aaaand speaking of beautiful girls," muttered Ataru.
"Good morning! What are you doing?" she asked.
"Grilling!" they yelled merrily.
"Haven't had grilled food in a long while," said Kyosuke.
Ataru sighed happily. "Yeah, some nice, normal earth cooking."
Nuku blinked. "Kyosuke and Ataru cook?"
Kyosuke grinned. "Well, before today, just a little. Always
wanted to experiment a little."
"Same here," said Ataru. "I mean, it doesn't look too hard, does
it?"
"And it seems to be going well," added Kyosuke. "Doesn't it?"
Nuku sniffed at the grill and its assortment of meats. Then she
blinked. "Fish?" she asked.
"Yeah, that one's fish," answered Kyosuke, " but I don't think it's
done ye-"
She ate the fish.
"-et. Um..."
"It was good! Thanks!" said Nuku happily.
"Ah... no problem," said Kyosuke.
"Anything for a beautiful girl," added Ataru with a grin.
The back door opened again, and this time Ranma stepped through.
"Hey guys, what's going on? I smell grill-"
He saw Nuku.
"Hi Ranma-kun!" she said merrily.
He froze.
"Hey, Saotome, something wrong?" asked Ataru, eyebrow raised.
"I... ah... just remembered I needa be somewhere seeya later!" As
quick as he appeared, he disappeared, leaving the others in confusion.
"Wonder what's bothering him," said Kyosuke.
"Don't know, don't care." Ataru stood up briefly and scraped some
of the darker bits of grilled meat.
"Is it ready?" asked Kyosuke.
Ataru sniffed at it cautiously, then ate it.
He chewed.
Then his face began looking a bit odd.
"Ugh, I knew we forgot something," he muttered.
"We did? What?" asked Kyosuke.
"Seasonings," answered Ataru. "This stuff has no flavor. It's
like eating cardboard. Ah, well, guess we'll just order ou..." Ataru
stopped, blinked, and watched as Nuku quickly ate everything.
"You ah... like it?" asked Kyosuke.
"Mm-hm!" Then Nuku paused. "Oh. Nuku-Nuku forgot to leave some
for Kyosuke-kun and Ataru-kun!"
"Oh, er, that's okay, we weren't gonna eat anyways," said Ataru.
"No?"
"No, but we're glad you liked it," answered Kyosuke.
"Thanks!" said Nuku cheerily.
Then she kissed Kyosuke, and in a somewhat passionate manner too.
Ataru blinked. "Ano..."
Nuku released Kyosuke, who was sporting an astounding blush and a
slight nosebleed. In his mind, he was giving MUCH thanks that there
were no cameras in the backyard.
In Nuku's mind the equation of 'cat lick = human kiss' was still
firmly in place.
And since Ataru was nice enough to cook that fish...
Nuku sprang towards Ataru in a rather cat-like fashion. Being a
letcher, he already was imagining what she was going to do. He just
didn't expect her to really do it, which is why he was frozen in
incomprehension as her lips went towards his.
"OH NO YOU DON'T!"
There was a poof of smoke. A flash of light.
When everything cleared, Nuku was gone.
Ataru sighed. "Typical!"
*
Nuku blinked. She wasn't in the backyard, but in Urd's bedroom.
"Ano... what happened?" she asked.
"You were about to kiss HIM?" said Urd.
"But Ataru was nice and let me eat fish he cooked himself and-"
"Trust me, you don't wanna kiss him, okay?" said Urd sagely.
"Why not?"
"Once you get him started, he's hard to stop," muttered Urd. "I
mean, it's one thing for him to chase after girls, it's another thing
entirely when a girl ACTUALLY goes to him and... well..."
Nuku blinked, not quite understanding what Urd was trying to say.
"Goes and what?" she asked.
Urd sighed. The kid was ridiculously innocent. "Nuku, y-"
*
Somewhere in her lab, Washu turned on a tv.
It was a new tv.
She made it herself, just now.
It had some ridiculously powerful features for a tv.
*
*POOF*
"Ano... Urd? Urd? Where did Urd go?"
*
*POOF*
//-ou gotta... ah... HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?!//
Washu stared at her television.
Urd stared back at her.
"Aheh, oops!" said Washu.
//OOPS?!//
"I wonder how you got in there in the first place. Hmm." She idly
patted her television. "Yeah, much more powerful than I thought."
//Don't just sit there looking impressed! Get me out of here!//
*
Nuku frowned.
"Urd? Urd? Where'd Urd go?"
She looked under the bed, in the closet, outside the window...
With nothing else to do, Nuku slinked back downstairs. She hoped
there was something good on television.
As she reached the living room, she saw Ranma was already there,
watching the all martial arts channel like he usually did when he
managed to get the remote control.
She could tell he was bored.
She was bored.
When cats were bored, they usually played.
"Ranma-kun wanna play?"
"EYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"
Nuku blinked. "Ranma-kun, why are you on the ceiling?"
"Um... p-practice! Yeah!"
"Practicing what?" she asked curiously as she gazed up at him.
"Um... Martial Arts... ah... Ceiling Climbing."
"Oh! That looks fun!" With a quick leap, she attached herself to
the ceiling too.
"AAAAAAGH!" *thud*
"Is Ranma-kun okay?"
"Ow.... yeah."
"Why Ranma fall?"
"I was... a bit distracted."
"Why?"
"Ah... aheheh... nothin."
Nuku scanned over Ranma's features. A slight redness. Nervous
laughter. Scratching the back of his head.
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
"Wrong? Ah, well, NO, nothing's _wrong_, exactly," said Ranma,
backing away nervously.
"Oh, okay." Nuku let go of the ceiling and flipped to the ground
with ease. Ranma took another step back as Nuku sighed and looked at
him. "Nuku-Nuku's bored," she whined.
"Ah... bored?"
"Ne, Ranma-kun, let's play!"
"W-w-what!?!"
Nuku pouted cutely. "You know. Play! Like Nuku plays with Arisa
and Kyoko!"
"Oh... oooooh... you wanna spar, yeah?"
Nuku nodded.
"Well... I dunno..."
"Pleeeeeeeeeease?"
Ranma sighed. He was, after all, a martial artist at heart, and a
martial artist couldn't resist an opportunity to flex his skills when
an opportunity comes.
"Okay," he said, then added, "but NO kissing!"
"Um... okay."
*
=======================================================================
SCENE: kitchen. Ataru and Kyosuke are at the sink, cleaning various
utensils and dishes.
ATARU: Well, that wasn't so bad.
KYOSUKE: Are there any toothpicks around?
ATARU: Got something stuck, huh?
KYOSUKE: Yeah. It's one of those hard to reach spots.
ATARU: Aw, man, I hate it when that happens. Here ya go.
KYOSUKE: Thanks.
(Kyosuke takes a moment to dig in his mouth with a toothpick while
Ataru stacks the dishes up)
ATARU: Say, notice how much Ranma hates dishwashing duty?
KYOSUKE: Well, now that you mention it...
ATARU: S'like he's got some fear of water or something, eh?
KYOSUKE: Yeah, that's true. He always wears those big arm-length
gloves whenever it's his turn to do the dishes.
ATARU: Yeah, and he washes'em in hot water all the time too.
KYOSUKE: How do you know?
ATARU: (Scowls) I was taking a shower once while he was dishwashing.
(Ranma enters, followed by Nuku. Kyosuke becomes noticeably
a bit more nervous.)
NUKU: Hi!
RANMA: You guys talking about me again?
ATARU: Well, actually...
(Ataru fills a glass with water and grins at Ranma wickedly.
Ranma tenses slightly and takes a half-step back)
ATARU: We were wondering why you're so uncomfortable around
water, ne?
RANMA: What? You guys are just imagining things.
ATARU: If ya say so. (glances at Nuku) Sooo... what're you two
up to?
NUKU: Nuku and Ranma are going to play!
ATARU: Oh-ho!
(Ataru grins lecherously)
NUKU: Does Ataru want to play too?
ATARU: Why... _yes_, yes I do.
RANMA: Heheheh. (cracks knuckles)
=======================================================================
*POW*
"OOW! What kinda game is this?!"
"S'called 'sparring', Ataru. Thought ya wanted to play"
"Waitase-"
"NukuNukuKIIIIIICK!"
*WHAM* "IIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaa....."
"Uh oh. Is Ataru-kun okay?"
"Um..." Ranma stared out into the horizon, trying to track down a
small dot. "I think so. Maybe."
***
[A couple of hours later]
"Say, who's supposed to cook lunch today?" asked Kyosuke.
"I did it yesterday, so it ain't me," said Ranma.
"Well, Ataru certainly won't be doing it," said Kyosuke. Ataru was
sprawled out on the floor, bruised badly and unconscious.
"Yeah, that's too bad," said Ranma. "He cooks a great beef bowl."
"Can Nuku-Nuku cook? Pleeeeease?"
Ranma and Kyosuke looked at each other, then, nervously at her
Remebering recent events and especially keeping in mind that the
cameras were on, they both took a step back.
"Fish again?" asked Ranma.
"Hai!"
"I'll cook," said Kyosuke.
***
"Okay, I think I have this figured out," muttered Washu.
//I'm worrying.//
"Nothing to worry about! The situation is under control."
//The last time you said that I was in black and white!!!//
"Hey hey, A minor setback. You're in color now, aren't you?"
//I do not remember my hair being red.//
"Again, a minor detail," said Washu casually. "Hmm... what's
that?"
//What? What's what?//
*WHAM*WHAM*
//Ow! Stop hitting the TV!//
"Sorry. A bit was sticking out."
-knock-knock-knock-
Washu tapped the tv. "Hey, I'll be right back. Someone's at the
door."
//Don't take too long!//
What awaited Washu at the door was a (as usual) cheerful Nuku.
"Oh, Nuku, what's going on?"
"Kyosuke wanted Nuku to tell Washu and Urd lunch was ready!"
//Damn, I'm hungry.//
Nuku blinked, then approached the television curiously. "Ano...
Urd?"
//Hi kid.// The Urd-In-The-Box waved casually.
Nuku looked at Washu. "Is that Urd? Nuku doesn't remember Urd's
hair being red."
"She's fine," soothed Washu. "Just stuck in the television, that's
all!"
//Oh, yes, that's all. Otherwise, I'm just fine// said Urd
sarcastically.
"Oh," said Nuku, totally missing the sarcasm. "Okay."
"Don't wait for us, ne?" said Washu, scratching Nuku's head as if
she was a cat. Nuku really seemed to enjoy it. "We might be a
while."
"Oh, okay!" Grateful for the head scratch, Nuku repaid the favor.
"Hey, what're you," said Washu, "No, nowaitdonmmmmmfff?!?!"
//Oh my.//
*
"So how're things back home?"
//Hikaru misses you a lot and Madoka seems to be more subdued
lately and Komatsu and Hatta wanna say hi.//
"Komatsu and Hatta are there?!"
//Heyhey, Mr. TV star!//
"Komatsu, hey there."
//How's things going, Kyosuke? Must be havin'fun over there, ne?//
"What do you mean?"
//Come on! That girl Nuku is cute! And your lady friend Urd seems
to be real sweet on you too. You musta gotten one of them to,
say, give ya a kiss or something, Yeah?//
"N-no! Absolutely not!"
//A-ha! Someone did! It was Urd, right?//
*
//Achoo!//
"What, you're stuck in the TV _and_ catching a cold?"
//Just hurry up, Washu!//
*
"Hey, it isn't like that!" protested Kyosuke.
//Riiiight. Hey, here's Hatta.//
"Waita-"
//Kyosuke, you Casanova! Howyadoin?//
"Just fine, just fine. Hey, what are you guys doing over there
anyways?"
//Us? Oh, we're just... hanging out. You know. Nothing
special.//
"Hey, if you do anything to my sisters..."
//Hey, trust us! C'mon, you know me-//
"And that's why I'm worried."
//Hahah! Good one! Aaaanyways, gotta go. We're headed to the
pool.//
"THE WHAT?! Not with my sisters!!!"
//Ja!//
-click-
Ranma looked at Kyosuke, impressed. "Wow, man, that's some battle
aura."
"Perverts," grumbled Kyosuke.
That, thought Ranma, sounds all too familiar.
"So, what's for lunch?" asked Ataru.
"Lots of frozen food," said Kyosuke.
"Erh... ah, well, I guess it could be worse," said Ataru.
"Could've been more fish."
"Washu and Urd will be here later," said Nuku, entering the
kitchen.
Ataru grinned. "Nuku-chaaaaaaaan!" *GLOMP*
*
Deep in the recesses of Nuku's brain, there was a bit of a
processing error. The organics of her mind quite happily accepted the
new terms of kissing and such, but the Anti-Hentai program Kyuusaku
had installed was having some problems agreeing with that.
For example: Nuku liked Ataru. Therefore, she should kiss him.
*
"Ugh, I don't believe this," said Ranma.
"Um... Nuku... I don't think you should-" said Kyosuke timidly.
Ataru broke the kiss and yelled, "DON'T INTERRUPT!" The lecher's
grin returned and he turned his attention to Nuku once more. "Now,
where were we?"
Somewhere out there, Urd was feeling nauseated.
*
After the kiss, insisted the Anti-Hentai program, she would have to
punch him through a wall.
*
**POW**
The boys stared at the Ataru-shaped hole, then at Nuku. She seemed
terribly surprised by what just happened. "Oh no! Ataru-kun!"
"Had it coming," said Ranma.
Kyosuke nodded solemnly.
"Hey, don't feel bad about it," said Ranma, reaching over to pat
Nuku on the shoulder...
*
It should be noted at this point that the A-H program was feeling
really paranoid at this point. After all, the biological matter
decided that Ataru was kissable. That was a point the A-H program was
clearly disagreeing on, and it began to consider what else might be in
error.
*
**WHAM**
"Oh no! Ranma-kun!" shrieked Nuku.
Kyosuke's eyes bulged, staring at the now Ranma-shaped hole in the
wall, then at Nuku. She was looking even more startled than before.
"Are... are you feeling okay?" asked Kyosuke, keeping a fair
distance between himself and Nuku.
"I heard a loud noise," said Washu, walking into the kitchen, "is
there something... ah... hey, that hole in the wall kind of looks like
Ranma, doesn't it?"
"Nuku punched Ranma through the wall!" said Nuku fearfully.
"Is that so?"
"And Nuku punched Ataru through the wall too!" added Nuku.
"Pffeh, big deal." The Universe's (self-proclaimed) Most
Intelligent Being pulled out something from nowhere, a kind of
see-through thing with colorful buttons, and waved it at Nuku several
times. She made VERY sure she was a safe distance _away_.
"What are you doing?" asked Kyosuke.
"Diagnostic," said Washu. "Hmmmm... I see... something odd there,
all right. Nuku, follow me. And _don't_ get too close."
*
=======================================================================
SCENE: the kitchen. ATARU, RANMA, and KYOSUKE are sitting at the
table, each having a cola in hand. KYOSUKE is fiddling with
the television while RANMA holds an ice pack to his cheek
and ATARU holds an ice pack to his eye. MAMORU enters,
whistling happily. He reaches into the refrigerator, pulls
out a cola, then pauses as he finally notices the state of
the other boys.
MAMORU: What happened here?
RANMA: Nothin.
ATARU: (slight grin) Nuku-chan kissed me!
MAMORU: Uh... huh. And how does this explain the black eye?
ATARU: She seems to enjoy violence after passion.
MAMORU: Sure she did, suuure.
KYOSUKE: Ah... well... she really did kiss him, and then she punched
him through the wall.
MAMORU: You're not kidding.
RANMA/KYOSUKE/ATARU: (nod)
MAMORU: Wait, why does Saotome have a...
RANMA: I don't wanna talk about it.
<KYOSUKE points to the Ranma-shaped hole in the wall>
MAMORU: (staring at the wall) Oh my.
ATARU: Hey, no shame in getting kissed by a beautiful girl.
RANMA: Certain PEOPLE (eyes camera warily) might think I was
bein'a pervert or something.
MAMORU: So, the two of you-
ATARU: (points at Kyosuke) And him.
MAMORU: Huh?
KYOSUKE: Ah... yeah.
MAMORU: And she didn't hit you?
KYOSUKE: (shrugs) Nope, she didn't.
ATARU: She might not like him as much.
MAMORU: (Blinks for a moment, then smirks) Good thing I'm not around
that much. Now if you gents'll excuse me, I've got
appointments to keep.
ATARU: Gonna find a date over at the junior high, eh?
MAMORU: (rolls eyes) Oh shut up.
<exit MAMORU. Ataru, frowning, watches him leave, then resumes
the sulking position.>
KYOSUKE: Well, at least I didn't get hit.
<RANMA and ATARU glare at him>
KYOSUKE: Aheh... heh... sorry.
RANMA: Why is it everywhere I go, violent girls...
ATARU: I know what you mean.
RANMA: Yeah, right.
ATARU: Hey, really, I do.
RANMA: So, what, you get girls misunderstandin'what you're doing
all the time, huh?
ATARU: Yep.
<KYOSUKE stays silent, but listens and nods ever so slightly>
ATARU: And, y'know, the way you just can't do anything right
when they're around?
RANMA: Mm-hm.
<KYOSUKE nods again>
RANMA: And the way they get obsessive about stuff, it's darn
creepy!
ATARU: And how they try to run your life!
RANMA: Take your feelings for granted!
ATARU: Can't take a joke!
RANMA: Overreact!
ATARU: Nag!
KYOSUKE: Slap you around when it isn't your fault!
ALL: Women!
The three solemnly nod and take a chug from their sodas.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
At one side of the room, sitting upright in a chair, was Nuku-Nuku.
"Does Washu-chan see what's wrong?" asked Nuku hopefully.
At the other side of the room (a safe distance, she called it),
Washu had several hostile-looking sensors aimed at Nuku and several
screens floating in mid-air with readouts flowing across them.
"Mm-hm... mm-hmm... hmmmmmmm..." she muttered. "Ah, I see."
"What is it?" asked Nuku, again, hopefully.
"Program conflict. There's something in there that's disagreeing
with your behavior, and it's really confusing your reflexes. Easy
to fix, I'll just remove the-"
Just then, the television flickered on. //Hey, Washu! You done
with... oh, heya, Nuku!//
Nuku blinked, then smiled and waved at the nearby television set.
"Hi Urd!"
Then she punched it.
---CRASH---
Washu stared in disbelief. "Uh oh."
"Aaah! Nuku broke Washu's TV!" wailed Nuku apologetically.
This... might not be good.
*
The television set in the kitchen shook slightly. The screen
blacked out for a moment, then a very dazed Urd appeared on it.
The boys, engrossed in their male-bonding sort of thing, didn't
notice.
"... and did she give me a chance to explain? No! She slapped
me!" yelled Ranma, arms upraised in the universal signal for
frustration.
"I feel your pain, man," said Ataru.
"Exactly," said Kyosuke.
"Women!" the three of them yelled.
Had they paid any attention to the television, they'd have seen a
very irate Goddess.
Suddenly, the three of them got very harsh whaps to the back of
their heads. The television turned to static, then suddenly Urd
emerged, looking a little worse for wear.
"So, women-bashing, eh?!" she said angrily.
"Um... er..." stammered Ranma.
"Well... hey..." mumbled Ataru.
"..." said Kyosuke.
"And YOU!" she said, poking Kyosuke in the head, "I expected better
from YOU!"
"..." answered Kyosuke.
"Men!" Urd rolled her eyes and stalked off, leaving the three boys
feeling, once again, overly-pushed-around by a woman.
"Um... Urd," said Kyosuke carefully.
"Yeah, what?"
"Why is your hair red?"
Urd blinked, grabbed a length of hair, stared at it, scowled,
and fumed. Finally, she yelled, "WASHUUUUUUU!!!" and stalked off out
of the hallway.
"What's wrong with her?" asked Ataru.
"Must be a woman thing," said Ranma.
*WHAP*
"Ow! Hey, who did that?"
=======================================================================
SCENE: The kitchen, again.
ATARU: Uh-oh.
KYOSUKE: Uh-oh?
RANMA: Uh-oh _what_?
ATARU: Ooooh boy.
RANMA: Oh boy WHAT?!
ATARU: Ooooh boy. Forgot about that. <points to camera>
KYOSUKE: <stares at camera, horrified.> Uh oh.
RANMA: <stares at camera, horrified.> Aaaaaw man! Just great!
I don't believe we forgot about THAT! What ELSE can go
wrong?!?!
<There is a sudden POOF and RANMA becomes a small disoriented wombat.>
ATARU: Uh oh.
<There is a sudden POOF and KYOSUKE becomes a small baffled wombat.>
ATARU: Ah.... ah... THE JURIAN SPAM! Damn alien cooking!
WAAAAAAAS-
<There is a sudden POOF and ATARU becomes a small irate wombat.>
ATARU: *Squeek*
-end-
NEXT EPISODE: Love Is In The Air (and no it's not Urd & Nuku)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
CREDITS
Isabel Arantes - concept creator
John Biles - wombats
Kevin Eav - bowling ball
Stephen Tsai - barbecue
The Fanfic Mailing List - pocket fluff
OWNERSHIP 'n stuff
The Real World is done by some guy at MTV.
Ranma 1/2 & Urusei Yatsura created by Takahashi Rumiko.
Kimagure Orange Road created by Matsumoto Izumi.
Sailor Moon created by Takeuchi Naoko.
Tenchi Muyo created by Kajishima Masaki.
All Purpose Cat Girl Nuku Nuku created by Takada Yuuzou.
Oh! My Godess created by Fujishima Kosuke.