[Ranma][FanFic] Le canard a la Pekin
D.F. Roeder
(http://fanfic.tass-anime.com/ranma.duck), and this fic
started snapping together in my mind. My thanks to Stormy for
the inspiration.
This is light fare, so it shouldn't cause any indigestion.
Please enjoy your in-fanfic meal... ^_^
====================
Le canard a la Pekin
A Ranma 1/2 FanFiction
By
D.F. Roeder
This and other fanfiction of mine can be found at:
http://home.flash.net/~dfroeder/index.html
Feel free to email me with comments and criticism:
dfro...@flash.net.
Ranma 1/2 is the property of Takahashi Rumiko, Shonen Sunday
Comics, Shogakukan, Fuji, and Kitty TV (Japan), and Viz
Communications, Inc. (North America).
Many thanks to T.H. Tiger and Vince Seifert for prereading.
Thanks to Diese and Andrew Norris for the thumbs up. Thanks to
Diese for the lesson in Canadian French. ^_^
====================
The lunch rush had ended, and the best ramen house in Nerima
stood empty for the moment. Shampoo relaxed, letting the
tension flow out of her body while helping her
great-grandmother chop vegetables in preparation for the
somewhat easier supper rush.
As it was on most days, lunch had been tough and grueling, and
the persistence of the male Japanese libido never ceased to
amaze Shampoo. She'd been forced to bend three different
pieces of concrete reinforcing steel into pretzels, one each
for three different crowds, to get them to quit trying to
pinch her rear... or other parts best left unmentioned, not
that it would keep them at bay for long. However, it wasn't
good for business to pummel paying customers, and running that
gauntlet for three hours without release had left her tense
and irritable.
The tinkle of the front door bell was not particularly
welcome, but it was the loud, strident voice of an
all-too-familiar rival that caused the muscles in Shampoo's
back to start tying themselves into knots again. <HER!> Tendou
Akane was rigorously decrying the latest escapade of her
iinazuke, the very same young man that plucked the strings of
Shampoo's own heart.
"I can't BELIEVE he ate all THREE of them, and didn't leave
ANY for the rest of us!" Shampoo could hear Akane and two
others sit down, chairs scraping against the wood floor.
Mousse had wiped down the table and chairs before they seated
themselves, had held the eldest's chair for her, and had
produced three glasses of water from within his sleeves before
moving on to clean the other, unoccupied tables. He shook his
head, wondering what in the world possessed women to find
Saotome attractive.
Shampoo stuck her head out of the kitchen. <Gack!> It was the
whole gaggle of Tendou sisters, but no Ranma. *Sigh.* Ranma
could pinch her rear anytime he wanted... and other places,
too.
She focused on the sisters again. Shampoo didn't mind Kasumi
so much -- the eldest was always more than nice to her -- but
she would've cheerfully gone years without seeing the middle
Tendou daughter, Nabiki; she made Shampoo nervous for some
reason the Amazon couldn't quite pin down. Akane was a
pre-determined lost cause to Shampoo's mind, but as long as
she stayed out of the Nekohanten's kitchen, Shampoo might
manage to simply ignore her.
"Shampoo be with you in minute." Pulling her head back into
the kitchen, she rested her hands against the doorframe and
bowed her head, taking a deep breath, but Akane's voice once
again shattered Shampoo's relaxation exercise.
"Three whole Peking Ducks! GONE! Nothing but bones spinning on
the table!"
"Now, Akane," Kasumi smoothly said, "I'm sure Ranma-kun had
good reason for being so hungry, and he did say he was sorry.
He does get a lot of exercise, you know. Besides, he only
barely got to them before Saotome-no-ojisama." There was just
the slightest hint of disapproval in Kasumi's voice.
Bereft of further excuses to delay, Shampoo strode out of the
kitchen to see Akane and Nabiki looking at Kasumi with
half-lidded eyes.
"Shampoo take order now?" The lethal Amazon flipped open her
pastel order pad.
"I can't imagine why he'd be so hungry -- no one's attacked in
days!" Akane sniffed and opened her menu.
"Maybe he just really likes duck," Nabiki offered, opening her
own menu. "I like duck."
"Well, so do *I*, but THREE whole ducks?! I mean, honestly!"
"They did have a very savory aroma," Kasumi observed.
"Yeah, and they weren't cheap, either." Nabiki set her menu
down, frowning at the memory of the cost.
"There's nothing quite like a well-cooked Peking Duck," Kasumi
said.
"Shampoo like duck." She then jumped, a startled look in her
eyes.
The Tendou sisters blinked at her, and then as one, turned to
look at Mousse. Mousse was frozen in mid-table wipe,
considering.
"Like DUCK! Not duck-BOY!!" Shampoo had her arms straight down
at her sides, hands in fists, one of which was squeezing her
order pad into a crumpled mess. She glared at Mousse across
the restaurant -- who had prudently decided to restart his
work -- and counted to ten in Mandarin under her breath. She
then turned back to her customers and smiled in marginal
pleasantness. "Shampoo take order now?"
"Oh, my! Well, I haven't read the menu, yet," Kasumi said,
finally picking hers up.
Shampoo rolled her eyes. "Tendou Akane? What your order?"
"Gimme a minute."
"My, Akane," Kasumi said, "you're certainly beginning to
*sound* like Ranma-kun."
Nabiki snorted. "The next thing you know she'll be eating
three ducks at a time."
Akane slammed her menu on the table. "I will NOT! I don't even
like duck that much! I... Uh..."
"So you'll be eating the same amount of something else, then?"
Nabiki's eyebrows rose to meet her bangs, a naughty grin
playing with the corners of her mouth. "If you don't like
duck, why are you complaining so much?"
"No, no! I LOVE duck! What I meant was--"
Shampoo momentarily drifted away on dreamy thoughts of Akane
wed to Mousse, leaving Shampoo to comfort Ranma after having
been rejected by the kitchen destroyer. <Aiyaa! It's perfect!>
"Akane like duck?" Shampoo interrupted Akane's explanation,
much to the latter's annoyance. "Shampoo give Akane Mousse for
free."
Mousse straightened from his cleaning, hesitated, then thought
better of contributing to the conversation, returning to his
duties. Nabiki snickered, while Akane fumed. "Listen, you--"
"That's very nice of you, Shampoo-san," Kasumi interrupted,
"but I don't think Akane is in the market for Mousse-san."
"Is too bad. He very good, er, very tasty man-- duck-- man?
No, that not it. Don't know how say picks things good. Little
bit thin, maybe. Not enough meat on bone. Good for Akane,
though."
Everyone except Akane, who was steaming at Shampoo, turned at
the strangled squawk that came from the young man wiping the
tables. The girls shrugged and turned back to their menus. The
sisters read for a few seconds, the room falling largely
silent.
~~~~~
In the kitchen, Cologne pushed the half-chopped celery off of
her board and picked up a large onion. She needed a good
cover, not that she felt she needed to explain herself, and
onion fumes would provide one. The harmony of the restaurant
had to be maintained. Yes, that's it... precisely.
~~~~~
"Oh, dear. You don't have Peking Duck, Shampoo-san?" Kasumi
looked up at her waitress.
Shampoo couldn't help but smirk at Mousse before addressing
Kasumi. "No Peking Duck today. Have number one good garlic
chicken."
"Hmmm..."
"Is your Peking Duck any good... usually?" Nabiki's mouth was
still preset for those ducks Ranma had eaten.
Shampoo huffed indignantly. "Hiibaachan Peking Duck always
number one good!"
"Well," Akane offered, "I guess we'll just have to take your
word for that, then. No duck? Are you sure?"
A fine sheen of moisture was beginning to appear on Shampoo's
forehead and cheeks. "NO! Um, no, no duck. Take order NOW?"
Akane smirked at having elicited a slip of annoyance from
Shampoo and turned back to her menu. "Well, hang on a minute.
I gotta read th'menu."
Kasumi's eyes peered reprovingly from over the top of her own
menu. "Watch your speech, Akane."
"Sorry, Oneechan."
"Darn!" Nabiki exclaimed. "I really had my heart set on Peking
Duck."
"Yes, quite," Kasumi hummed.
"Darn that Ranma." Akane looked up at Shampoo. "Can you
believe he ate THREE ducks?! ... You sure you don't have any
duck? Could you check or something?"
Shampoo ground her teeth and said, "No DUCK! What Akane's
problem?!"
"*I* don't have a problem with duck. What's YOUR problem with
duck?!"
"Shampoo no have problem with DUCK! Grrr! Duck not question!
Is NO duck today!"
"Well, that IS a problem," Nabiki said. "I wanted duck."
The sound of Shampoo's teeth grinding together became clearly
audible, and Mousse broke the pattern of his cleaning and
skipped to a table nearer to the door.
"Order garlic chicken!" Shampoo growled. "Is close."
Nabiki gave Shampoo a half-lidded stare. "How's that again?
They're nothing alike."
"Is BIRD! One QUACK, other go, uh..."
"Bock, bock?" Akane gamely offered with a grin, enjoying
Shampoo's discomfiture.
Shampoo steamed at Akane, but nodded. "Is BIRD! ALL is bird!"
She raised her abused order pad and smiled thinly. "So, one
garlic chicken for Naaa-biii-kiii?"
Nabiki cocked an eyebrow at Shampoo's pronunciation, but
returned to her menu. "Hmph! Poor substitute for Peking Duck."
She scanned the offerings. "Garlic chicken won't satisfy if
you're hungering for Peking Duck."
"Ranma really likes duck," Akane said, keeping half an eye on
Shampoo's reaction.
"FINE! Airen want duck?! Airen go marry MOUSSE!"
"HEY!" Mousse finally had to comment.
"... ... Shampoo not say that. Nope. Is old Joketsuzoku
technique. Make you THINK you hear that."
The sound of a pot falling on the floor echoed out of the
kitchen, while Kasumi blinked, Nabiki smirked, and Akane put
her hand over her mouth to hide a grin. Without an apparent
concern in the world, Shampoo brought up her battered order
pad... again.
"One garlic chicken, yes? For Tendou Nabiki?" Shampoo asked, a
slightly pleading edge managing to creep into her voice. The
muscles of her back were starting to cramp again and a pain
began to build behind her eyes. She would rummage in Cologne's
powders as soon as she finished taking this damned order.
"I don't know, yet," Nabiki said.
"I sure was hungry for duck," Akane muttered audibly.
The pencil in Shampoo's hand snapped in two. "Then TAKE MOUSSE
OR ORDER SOMETHING ON MENU!"
"You don't have to SHOUT IT!" Akane rejoined, genuinely
miffed.
"WHAT... What you want, then?! Mousse or food?! Yes?!"
Akane blinked and looked at the blind boy, who was blinking
back at her. "Mousse?" she said querulously. "Why would I--"
"Mousse! Put Shampoo out of pain and be airen for Akane! Kill
two duck with one mallet!"
"What?!" Mousse was still trying to assimilate the strange
conversation. "But, Shampoo!"
"Look, you bimbo!" Akane growled. "I just wanted some Peking
Duck!"
Shampoo put her fists on her hips, glaring. "Is no problem
then! Mousse be that, too!"
"ACK!" Mousse began to contemplate the advantages of taking
his break early.
Nabiki put her hand on her sister's shoulder, smirking.
"Akane, don't try to cook Mousse."
Mousse jerked.
"ARGH! I don't WANT Mousse! As a husband OR ingredients!"
"Why not? He make FINE duck-- er, airen for Akane!"
Mousse bigsweated.
Shampoo leaned over Akane, scowling down at her. "Well, what
you want, then?!"
"PEKING DUCK, DAMN IT!" Akane scowled back.
"TAKE MOUSSE! He go Beijing once!!"
"WHAT?!" Akane shouted, now a little confused herself.
Shampoo's hair frayed and one of her odango started to
unravel, but she calmed down almost immediately. "Akane want
duck?" she asked, smiling as nicely as she could, a slightly
insane light in her eyes.
"Yes! That's what I've been saying all along!"
"Then Shampoo GET you duck!"
"Finally! I mean, honestly!"
In a burst of action, Shampoo whirled on Mousse, drawing her
bonbori. "MOUSSE!!"
"ACK!!" Mousse squawked again and plastered himself against
the wall, laid out like a large fowl about to be de-boned.
"Shampoo want TALK to you! You be airen to Akane!"
"HEY!" Akane shouted. "That's NOT what I MEANT!!"
"Uhhh..." Mousse looked longingly at the door.
Shampoo took a step forward, and Mousse slid one step along
the wall towards the door. "Don't make Shampoo come get you!"
She stepped again, and he finally bolted and was out of the
restaurant in a flash. Shampoo was a split-second behind, her
voice fading into the distance.
"MOUSSE!!! You WAIT! Why you run NOW?! Akane make you fine
wife! She *LOVE* DUCK!! MOUUUssse..."
Akane sat there blinking for a second before joining Nabiki in
laughter. Kasumi had her hand over her mouth, eyes dancing in
mirth. "Oh, dear," her muffled voice said. "Akane-chan, you
may end up with Ranma-kun's problems--"
Cologne pogoed out of the kitchen, and they settled down at
once. She regarded them steadily with ancient eyes. "Ladies."
After a few seconds of scrutiny, she hopped the rest of the
way, coming to a stop and balancing in the vacant area on the
fourth side of the table. She sighed. "Can I take your order?"
Without missing a beat, Nabiki said, "Peking Duck, please, for
three."
Cologne's eyes slid slowly to the front door and then back to
Nabiki. "We appear to be fresh out," she deadpanned.
Akane fell out of her chair, howling. Nabiki barked a laugh
and then bit her hand, tears starting to run down her face;
after all, she had an image to maintain. Kasumi put the hand
not covering her mouth over her eyes and rested her elbows on
the table, her body lightly convulsing.
Cologne chuckled and let go of her serious expression. "All
right, all right. Shampoo needed to work off a little stress,
anyway. Come into the kitchen, girls, and I'll whip us up a
feast."
The Tendou sisters rose and staggered after Cologne; Nabiki
had to help Akane walk.
"Now, Kasumi-san, about those wonderful quail patties you let
me try that day..."
"Oh, my." *Sniffle.* "Well, they're quite easy to prepare..."
____________________
"Mmmmm!" Ranma laid herself out on a beach recliner in the
Tendou backyard, three Peking Ducks settling nicely in her
stomach, producing a satisfying bulge in her bare midsection.
She wore one bit of nothing that barely covered the
appropriate lower parts of her girl form, a state of dress she
would've never been caught in if Akane and, more importantly,
Nabiki weren't out of the house.
"Guys sunbathe topless, and I'm a guy," she grumbled to
herself. <Too bad Tendou-san doesn't see it that way...> But
she then smiled as the sun started warming her. There was just
something about the way she felt when sunning in this body
that was just so utterly... pleasant that she wished she could
do it completely nude. She grinned naughtily, but decided not
to put name to any other exhibitionist feelings she might be
having.
Something blocked her sun, and Ranma opened her eyes to see
Mousse sailing overhead. However, he never said a word and
leapt over the far wall, which explained why her danger sense
hadn't gone off. Shampoo landed in the yard on the opposite
side, in hot pursuit.
"MOUSSE! You WAIT! Akane LOOOVE duck!! Airen LOVE duck!!
Shampoo LOVE duck! EVERYBODY *LOVE* DUCK!!!" She disappeared
over the same wall.
With dinner-plate eyes and presenting warding gestures with
her hands, Ranma groaned and turned slightly green. The three
ducks in her stomach were not settling quite so nicely
anymore, almost feeling like they were trying to flap their
way out. She and her one bit of nothing stood and jiggled into
the house.
Soun was frozen in mid-placement of a shogi tile, his mouth
open and eyes glazed over, a thin line of drool starting to
fall from his lower lip.
Genma-panda growled and held up a sign. <"For the FIFTH TIME!
Quit ogling my son!"> The panda grumped to himself as the sign
flipped around in time to a noise from his stomach. <"Dratted,
ungrateful boy! Didn't even leave me any duck!">
====================
END LE CANARD A LA PEKIN