[Ranma][FanFic][Repost] The Adventures of Lost Girl, Darth Mousse, and Some Asshole, Part 1
Hunter Kid
means, to make the long return journey to Jusenkyo, Ranma,
Ryoga, and Mousse set off from Nerima with high hearts at
precisely noon on a warm, clear summer day.
Mousse couldn't stop grinning. "Finally! To be cured of
my duck form!" Visions of happiness floated through his
mind, mostly in the form of a (very blurry) blue-haired
girl. "Shampoo! When I come back, we can be married at
last!"
Ranma couldn't stop grinning. "Finally! To be a whole man
again!" Visions of happiness floated through his mind,
mostly involving him never having growing breasts ever
again.
Ryoga scowled, looking at the sky. "Feels like it's going
to rain."
Ranma grinned at him. "C'mon, Ryoga, there's not a cloud
in the sky!"
At 12:10 PM, it started raining.
The sight of a duck, a pig, and a coarsely winsome
redheaded girl swimming across the East China Sea would
have made a nice capstone of absurdity for three absurd
lives, but as it happened, the luxury cruise ship
_Mermaid's Dream_ was seeking waiters for its onboard four-
star restaurant. Ranma was ideally suited to the job
female, when the situation required it, strikingly pretty,
and possessed of a magnetic charisma that assured her
excellent tips and Mousse had long experience on his side.
Ryoga was ideally _un_suited to the job, given his
propensity to get lost walking from one table to another
and complete inability to finish a sentence in front of a
female customer.
They disembarked at Shanghai, thanking their manager
gleefully, who cursed them all roundly for walking out on
their agreed three-month-minimum employment contract, and
made their way slowly inland.
You hear about China's big cities a lot in the news,
Beijing and Shanghai and the like, but you never hear
anything about the ridiculously huge landmass to the west
of the highly populated eastern lowlands. There's not a
lot there that would interest the modern world, really
mostly just farm after farm after farm, and after so many
hundreds of miles of that, there isn't a whole lot of
anything.
After hundreds more miles of a whole lot of nothing in
particular, there's the Qinghai province, endless mountain
ranges, ruggedly beautiful and wild. And smack in the
middle of nowhere, there it is.
You can only travel by train so far west, before
civilization runs dry and all you've got are your own legs.
So the unlikely trio covered the first leg of the journey
west very rapidly, and the second, the ascent into the
mountains, with agonizing slowness. Mousse knew the way,
though, and week after week they followed his lead, until
one clear, cold morning, they found it.
Ranma stared across the narrow valley, and said it first:
"Jusenkyo..."
Ryoga grinned. "Sort of feels like coming home at last, eh,
Ranma?"
The pools appeared to have returned to their normal state,
after having been flooded during their last, ill-fated
visit to this place. They were still and tranquil in the
early morning; beautiful, really. Would have made a
fantastic postcard.
The Guide ran out to them hastily, pulling his red-star
Chairman Mao hat on as he called out something in Chinese.
Ranma, who could not speak a word of Chinese, looked on
curiously as Ryoga, who spoke bits and pieces of Chinese,
took on a vague expression of dismay, while Mousse, who was
of course fluent, looked like he was trying very hard not
to cry.
Not a good sign.
"Hi," the Guide greeted him cheerfully. "I remember you,
sir. You and your father came here, didn't speak any
Chinese at all, got yourselves cursed, then ran off before
I could tell you how to cure yourselves."
"Eh...yeah, that's right," Ranma said, looking with some
concern at the completely devastated forms of his two
companions. The Guide's Japanese seemed to have improved
remarkably since his last visit. Steeling himself, he
asked: "So...bad news, huh?"
"Yes, some bad news, I'm afraid, sir," the Guide replied,
with that odd heaviness in his voice that, combined with
the sobbing, cursing figures of Ryoga and Mousse, somehow
told Ranma that he probably wasn't getting cured today
after all. "The springs only look like they're back to
normal. They're still all mixed up from the battle that
_you_ conducted here." He seemed sort of offended.
"Tourism has basically stopped, now. Not that many
tourists ever came here, as we are located smack in the
middle of East Bumblefuck, China, but our last visitor who
came jumped in the Spring of Drowned Tiger and came out
with a tiger's legs, a walrus's head, and the body of a
giant earthworm. Talk about bad press." He sighed. "Well,
I couldn't cure him and I can't cure you, so don't ask.
There's a few different kinds of the original spring water
we had set aside, and Spring of Drowned Man was, I am sorry
to say, not among them."
Ranma thought about that for a minute, then joined in the
sobbing and cursing.
-*-
The Guide did, as a sort of consolation prize, invite them
into his hut for dinner. The three of them sat with their
heads down on the table, completely drained.
"Life is so unfair," Ryoga moaned, going through
alternating spasms of fury and despair. He clenched his
fist. "Cursed to turn into a _pig_ for the rest of my life!
AAAAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!" he snarled, shaking with hatred. "You
guys don't have it half so bad as me! A duck, a girl? Feh!
How gladly would I take either of your 'curses!'"
"You know, sirs," the Guide interjected, probably, more
than anything else, attempting to diffuse Ryoga's tantrum,
"we do have both Spring of Drowned Duck and Spring of
Drowned Girl water in casks. A lot of it, actually. The
Amazon tribe gets us to send them a cask of Drowned Girl
water every year, for the fools from their village who used
to train here and get cursed on accident. And the local
villagers like to dunk ants and roaches and other things in
the Spring of Drowned Duck, so we send them shipments every
year. They say it tastes just like regular duck. This is
going to be the last year they're going out, of course, but
they're still here for now. We've got stores of pretty
much anything that makes edible meat, actually. Spring of
Drowned Cow, Water Buffalo, Pig, Dog, you name it..."
"Dog?" Ranma repeated, with some distaste.
Mousse considered that. "What else do you have set aside?"
The Guide shrugged. "Not much, sir, I'm sorry to say.
Some government scientists wanted some samples of some of
the personality-modifying springs, so I've got a couple of
those. Spring of Drowned Asshole, which actually wasn't a
very tragic story, because I understand he deserved it,
Spring of Drowned Valley Girl, ditto, Spring of Drowned
Japanese Tomboy..." He saw the three of them staring at
him intently, then added, "The only male spring water we
have is the Asshole water, in case you were wondering..."
Ryoga smiled at Ranma. "Hey, you're an asshole anyway.
Perfect choice."
"What-!"
The Guide rooted through a side room for a moment, then
pulled out a large thermos. "Hmm, well, if you want, this
is all the Asshole water I've got left." He tossed the
thermos to Ranma. "Help yourself. For what it's worth, I
understand that this water takes your current level of
Assholeness and multiplies it by a factor of approximately
10,000."
Ranma looked at it. "Well...it probably _would_ be better
than turning into a girl..."
Ryoga and Mousse exchanged looks. Ryoga considered the
idea of having his personality warped to be even more
disturbing, if that was possible, than changing into a pig.
"Oh! You know what," the Guide said, pulling out another
thermos. "I forgot all about this. I had this life-sized
Darth Vader poster, sunk into one of the pools a couple of
years back. Very tragic story. One of our honored guests
fall into the pool last year, became convinced he was Darth
Vader and tried to destroy me." He tossed the thermos to
Mousse, who was looking at it with mixture of shock and
fear.
"Spring of Drowned...Life-Size Darth Vader Poster?" Mousse
murmured, awed. "How would that even work?"
The Guide shrugged. "No idea, sir. So, feel free to use
any of the water you want. If you'd like to change your
curse, this is probably going to be your last chance to do
it."
-*-
They were about ten miles from Jusenkyo when it started
raining. "Shit," said a pretty girl with a bandanna in her
hair.
"I find your foul language disturbing," rumbled James Earl
Jones's voice. Darth Mousse clenched his fist and glowered
malevolently at the girl. "Do not make me destroy you,
princess."
"Man, fuck this fucking stupid ass shit," whined some
asshole. "Goddammit. I gotta walk all the way back to
fucking Japan with you two fucking idiots. All fucking
raining and shit. Goddammit!!"
-*-
RANDOM FANDOM is proud to present:
THE ADVENTURES OF LOST GIRL, DARTH MOUSSE, AND SOME ASSHOLE
(a Ranma 1/2 fanfic)
by
George Masologites
-*-
Part 1: "It Seemed Like a Good Idea At the Time"
They did, at some length, eventually make it back to Nerima.
The three of them had intended to go to Ucchan's to
celebrate their return and moderately-less-miserable
situations with some (hopefully free) okonomiyaki, but,
unfortunately, as they strode down a street less than a
block away from Ukyou's shop, it began to rain.
This worked against them in several ways. First and
foremost, however, was that Ranma the Asshole was always
actively working against whatever goal they had been
seeking, and Darth Mousse was primarily interested in
converting people to the Dark Side, which left Ryoga to
lead the trio around, and, sadly, being female did not
improve Ryoga's sense of direction.
So, within short order, they got lost. Shampoo, bravely
armed with only an umbrella, found them.
"Ranma!" she greeted him happily. "I look all over for you!
Where you been for past eight months?"
"Shampoo-" Ryoga tried to interject, weakly, knowing her
attempt avert catastrophe would be in vain.
"Hey, what's up, hot stuff," Ranma the Asshole drawled,
sidling up to Shampoo with a sleazy grin. "What do you say
we ditch these two losers and head on back to my place..."
"It is _you_ who I have searched for all this time," Darth
Mousse declared, his face a mask of evil fury. He thrust a
finger in her direction. "Shampoo! The time has come for
you to embrace the _Dark Side_ of the Force!"
"Ignore them," Ryoga suggested helpfully. Everyone ignored
her, instead. "They're, uh, drunk. As usual."
"Ranma!" Shampoo gushed. "You want be with Shampoo, yes,
is true?"
Ranma smirked as he took a long, long look at Shampoo's
entire body. It was one of those ridiculously blatant
stare-at-you-up-and-down-and-up-and-down looks that only a
true asshole would dare attempt. Shampoo, of course, was
completely thrilled by it. "Ohhh yeah," Ranma said,
grinning toothily.
Darth Mousse scowled at them. "Do not make me destroy you,
you foolish asshole," he grated evilly, clenching his fists.
"Remove yourself from the woman. This one is _mine_."
Ranma just laughed. Mousse removed a gatling gun from his
robes. "I'll mow you down like you were not even there,"
he rumbled. Evilly.
Ryoga sighed, walked up behind the posturing Darth Mousse
and kicked him under a nearby overhang, where his head
slammed into a wall, promptly knocking him out, then threw
an open thermos of hot water after him.
Ranma glowered at her. "Stay the fuck away from me, lost
girl! I'm fixin' to get some, and you better not fuckin'
interfere-" Another open thermos hit him in the head,
drenching him with scalding water. "Yaaaah!" he looked
down at himself in horror, and shuddered away from
Shampoo's adoring gaze. "I-I-I..."
And then the rain stopped.
Ranma fled in terror, with Shampoo hot on his heels.
Ryoga, now bereft of any hot water to change herself back,
scooped up the unconscious Mousse and stomped off in search
of the elusive Ucchan's.
-*-
Ukyou looked up. A customer walked in, which was unusual
in itself for the dead period between lunch and dinner.
Also unusual was that the customer had Mousse's unconscious
form draped unceremoniously over her shoulder. She dumped
him into one of the booths. He sprawled, half off of the
seat, drooling on himself.
Well, that certainly was not going to be good for business.
The girl marched up to her and grinned. "Hello Ukyou!"
"Um...hi," she greeted the customer, uncertainly.
"It's me, Ryoga!" the girl announced.
Ukyou stared. "You're...wait...what?"
Does...not...compute...
"Ryoga!" the girl affirmed cheerfully. She was obviously
getting a kick out of this. "Yeah, I'm a girl now."
They sat down, and Ryoga told the story, munching on some
(hopefully free) okonomiyaki. Ukyou poured hot water on
her head and watched with great interest as Ryoga's gender
changed. When Ryoga was finished explaining, Ukyou nodded
sadly.
"So you guys are not cured," she said, sighing. "I'm
sorry."
Ryoga shrugged. "Actually, I'm ok with it. Ranma was
always whining about his misery, but...you know compared to
being a pig, I have to admit, turning into a girl is not
that bad."
"You turned into a pig before?" Ukyou asked curiously. Two
couples walked into the restaurant, but immediately left
again when they saw Mousse's unconscious figure, his head
dangling off the edge of the bench.
"Eh...yes." Ryoga sweated. "A pig. But! No longer." He
coughed nervously. "Anyway, so we decided beforehand that
we would take samples of some of the different spring
waters that the Guide had, in case we decided that we
didn't like our current curses."
Ukyou raised an eyebrow. "So you're carrying cursed water
around in that backpack?"
"Yes. Not that much, though. Only about ten milliliters
is required to curse you, according to the Guide."
She looked at his backpack, her curiosity piqued.
"So...what water did you bring back?"
"Oh, let's see here..." He began to rummage through his
oversized travel backpack. "There weren't too many that
seemed like they might be useful, really. Mostly farm
animals. Here's Spring of Drowned Eagle. Might be
interesting. Drowned Water Buffalo. Not too promising.
Um, here's Drowned Valley Girl, I don't know why we even
packed that." He rummaged around some more. "I thought we
packed the three we used on ourselves, but I can't seem to
find them..." He picked one vial out from the bottom of
his pack and set it on the counter. "Let's see, this is
the one that didn't have a label, the Guide said he thought
it was Spring of Drowned Gangsta."
"Drowned Valley Girl? Drowned Gangsta?" Ukyou repeated.
"How can these possibly be real?"
Before Ryoga could respond, Ranma jogged in rapidly, sat
down, and grinned at Ukyou. "Hi Ucchan!" He kept on
grinning, obviously expecting free food to materialize in
front of him.
"So, managed to lose her, Ranma?" Ryoga asked, mildly.
"Yeah, finally," Ranma responded, shuddering. "I'm not
sure what I said to her while I was an asshole...but...man.
I'm startin' to really question this whole asshole thing."
He shot a sideways look at Mousse's prone form. "I think
we really ought to do something about Darth Mousse there,
too. He's really startin' t'get on my nerves."
Ukyou picked up the vial of Drowned Gangsta water at peered
through it. "Well, it sounds like you've got quite a
selection here."
"Yeah, you want to try something different, Ranma?" Ryoga
asked him, rooting through his pack, which appeared to be
filled almost exclusively with empty hot-water thermoses.
"You could try Drowned Ox. Or Drowned Boar. Or Drowned
Zealot. Not sure what that one is. Guide said it wouldn't
be what we expected, whatever that means. Or..." He
continued to root around.
Ranma shook his head. "Nah, I'm still thinkin' about it.
We oughtta do Mousse right now, though, while he's knocked
out..."
Ryoga nodded. "Yeah."
Ukyou glared at them. "You guys! You can't make that kind
of a decision for him!"
Ranma looked at her solemnly. "Ukyou...if you had been
through the hell we've been through with this guy for the
past six months, you would understand." He began to look
through Ryoga's pack. "Let's see here..."
Mousse appeared behind him. "Ukyou...if you would be so
kind, could I have a glass of water?"
Ukyou handed him one, which he promptly dumped on himself.
"You see what I mean?" Ranma hissed.
Ryoga nodded, grinding his teeth together. "He _likes_
being Darth Mousse. He tries to be Darth Mousse _all the
time_."
Darth Mousse sat down at the counter and stared at Ukyou
malevolently. "Bring me a beer," he thundered.
"IMMEDIATELY!!"
She sighed. "Mousse, you're sixteen. You know I can't
serve you beer."
Mousse stood up, in a black fury. "DO NOT TRIFLE WITH ME,
WOMAN. BRING ME A BEER IMMEDIATELY OR I WILL BE FORCED TO
DESTROY YOU."
"Okay, I'm starting to see your point, Ranma," Ukyou
conceded, upending a cup of hot water on Mousse's head.
"No!" Mousse wailed. "Force...power...gone...!"
"Shaddap," Ranma growled, punching him roughly. He crashed
into Ryoga, who flailed his arms wildly to keep his balance.
One of his hands smacked Drowned Gangsta water cleanly off
the counter. The vial hit Ukyou in the forehead and
shattered.
The three of them stared in horror. "Oh man...Ryoga, you
idiot, you just cursed Ucchan!" Ranma shouted, jumping out
of his seat and searching through Ryoga's pack. "Help me
find the Drowned Girl water!"
"It...it wasn't my fault!" Ryoga protested, putting his
arms up in front of him. "This idiot bumped into me! I-"
"Man..." said a voice that was recognizably Ukyou's, yet
completely different, "y'all need to quit arguin' and shit
befo' I bust some _caps_ up in here!"
Ryoga and Mousse just stared at her.
"Ryoga! Ryoga!" Ranma was sounding more and more alarmed.
"I'm not seeing the Drowned Girl water! Where _is it_,
Ryoga??" He grabbed hold of Ryoga's collar. "You _did_
remember to pack it, didn't you, Ryoga?"
"What in the_hell_ kinda gay fuckin' clothes am I wearin'
here, dogg?" Ukyou demanded of nobody in particular.
"Purple tights and a big-ass _spatula_? Oh, _hell_ no!!"
Mousse hurriedly poured a cup of hot water on her head.
Ukyou swayed a bit, obviously unnerved. "Oh, man...that
was weird..."
Ranma looked stricken. "Ryoga...the Drowned Girl water
isn't here."
Ryoga growled at him. "How is that _my_ fault? You said
_you_ put the three waters we got cursed with in the pack!"
"No, I didn't, _you_ did!"
"You did!"
Ukyou sighed, irritated. "Okay, obviously neither of you
did. So...what do I do now?"
Ranma and Ryoga exchanged a look. "Well...ah..." Ranma
swallowed nervously.
She favored him with a level stare. "You had better not be
telling me that I will turn into a 'gangsta' for the rest
of my life when splashed with cold water because _you
idiots_ forgot to pack the Drowned Girl water."
"That is _precisely_ what they're telling you," Mousse said
clinically. Ukyou slammed him into the wall with her big-
ass spatula.
"No no! No no!" Ranma said quickly, eyeing the spatula
nervously. Mousse peeled himself slowly off the wall.
"Look! We've got this great selection of curses you can
choose from, Ucchan!"
Ryoga nodded. "Yes, yes! Look, you could be a...an ox!
Or a boar! Or an eagle! Or a...zealot!"
Ranma looked at the vial quizzically. "What _is_ a zealot,
anyway?"
Ukyou growled and snatched the vial from his hands. "A
zealot is someone who's really passionate about something.
That doesn't sound that bad." She thought for a moment,
then uncorked the vial and empted it on herself.
For a second nothing happened.
"Uh...Ukyou, do you feel any differ..." Ranma began, as
Ukyou suddenly transformed into a nine-foot-tall vaguely
humanoid monster with glowing blue eyes, bluish-green-gold
skin, and no nose or mouth whatsoever. She was wearing a
futuristic suit of faintly glowing armor.
"MY LIFE FOR AIUR!" Ukyou roared, two-foot-long glowing
blades extending from the gauntlets of her armor. Since
she had no mouth, it was not clear exactly where her voice
was emanating from, but they noticed that her eyes seemed
to glow more when she spoke.
Ranma stared. "Wha...what in the world..."
Ukyou shook her head, confused, and stared down at herself.
"Wow...sorry, guys." The nine-foot-tall alien monster
looked faintly ridiculous as it adopted an embarrassed
posture. The glowing blades disappeared. "I just got the
weirdest urge to yell that all of a sudden."
Three customers walked in, stopped, and stared.
"Welcome to Ucchan's!" Ukyou sort of bellowed. "Please,
sit anywhere you like!"
The customers fled in terror.
-*-
Akane wasn't exactly happy that Ranma had opted to visit
Ucchan's before returning to the Tendo household, but her
curiosity overwhelmed her anger.
"So," she said, faintly irritated, when Ranma returned
later that evening, "how have the last eight months been
for you, Ranma?"
Ranma told her.
Akane couldn't help but laugh. "So you basically turn into
yourself when splashed with cold water, huh?" Ranma glared
at her. "Why were you guys gone for so long, anyway? I
was really worried about you! You should have let me
come!"
"Well, you know, the trip there didn't take all that long.
Couple of months. But on the way back, it would rain
sometimes, and we wouldn't have any water with us, so me
and Mousse would sort of lose it and Ryoga would have to
lead the three of us. And with his sense of direction..."
"My sense of direction," Ryoga said calmly, sitting down
next to Ranma, "wouldn't have been a problem if you and
Mousse did not insist on having such idiotic curses."
Akane looked at him strangely. "Say, Ryoga, that's
something I've been meaning to ask you... I don't
understand why you went with Ranma and Mousse to Jusenkyo!
Ranma just told me that you chose to be cursed with the
Spring of Drowned Girl..."
Ranma grinned at him. "Yeah, you pig, certainly baffled me,
too. Care to explain?"
Ryoga looked from Ranma to Akane nervously. "I...I...I had
a...I had to..." He licked his lips, then his arm started
to shake in anger. "Ranma..." he growled, his nervousness
turning to fury. "You..."
"Ryoga, did you..." Akane continued to stare at him.
"Don't tell me you..."
Ryoga closed his eyes in anguish. No! No! She couldn't
have found out! Not now, not when he was finally able to
move on with his life!
"...just wanted to be a girl?" she finshed.
Ryoga blinked. "I...uh..." He thought about that for a
second. If anything, this was an even more disastrous
assumption for her to make! Must...think of...excuse...!
Ukyou slipped in next to Ranma, to Akane's obvious
annoyance. "No, you said you had a curse before, didn't
you, Ryoga?"
Akane raised her eyebrows. "Really, Ryoga? I didn't know
you were cursed before. What did you turn into?"
"I...I..." Ryoga stammered in agony, as his world shattered
around him. Suddenly a light dawned in his eyes. "I
turned into an asshole!"
Ranma put his hand over his eyes and groaned. Ukyou looked
at him strangely, but refrained from commenting on this
obvious lie.
"Yes, an asshole! Just like Ranma does now!" He laughed
nervously. "Because...and...and that's why I was always
trying to fight Ranma before! Because I was in asshole
form! Look how well me and Ranma get along now that I'm
normal again!"
Ranma stared at him flatly. "Oh yeah, we're regular pals,
now that Ryoga is cured of his _horrible curse_."
Akane giggled. "So, you picked up Ryoga's curse, and Ryoga
picked up yours? What does your girl side look like,
Ryoga?"
Ranma threw a cup of water at him. "Like that."
"Ranma..." Ryoga growled at him in a suddenly higher-
pitched voice. She threw her own cup of water at Ranma.
"Why are you such an asshole?"
Akane nodded. "I see...you actually look a lot like Ranma
used to."
"Feh!" Ryoga snorted, glaring at Ranma. "I'm vastly
cuter."
Ranma chuckled. "You would be proud of that, wouldn't you,
you cross-dressing fuck," he mocked, smirking. "I should
fucking beat your candy ass down right now."
Ryoga scowled at him. "Don't tempt me, Ranma."
Ukyou sighed. "Man, you guys were not kidding about the
asshole thing."
Ranma stood up, still chuckling. "Bring it on, bitch," he
sneered, falling into a fighting stance.
"Feh." Ryoga faced him, a haugthy expression on her face.
She dropped her pack to the ground. "Your funeral."
"You guys..." Akane began to protest.
Ranma vanished, and Ryoga felt a series of unbelievably
powerful punches connect all up and down her back. She
groaned, stumbled forward, then whipped around, confused,
looking for Ranma. He was standing about six feet behind
her, smirking.
Ryoga growled, "What on Earth..."
Akane gasped. "The White Snake Venom Reliable Fist! The
technique that Genma and Ranma said was so lethal that it
had to be sealed up forever and forgotten! I can't
believe..." She pointed an accusatory finger at Ranma's
snickering form. "I can't believe you would use that
against _Ryoga_! What an _asshole_!"
Ranma laughed and made an obscene gesture. Once again he
vanished, and slammed a punishing volley of punches into
Ryoga's unprotected back. She collapsed to the ground,
breathing hard.
She grunted in pain, pulling herself to her knees. _I
can't lose to Ranma like this!_ she thought, clenching her
fists. _Akane is right there, watching us, I can't lose to
Ranma in front of Akane...!_ She stared at Ranma, waited
for him to assume the same stance again...
"SHISHI-"
Her fighting spirit burned in her chest, and she crossed
her arms before her. She roared. Ranma vanished.
"HOUKOUDAN!"
The kinetic blast took the invisible Ranma squarely in the
chest and sent him soaring backward, through a pitcher of
ice-cold water, which thoroughly drenched Akane and Ukyou.
He did a half-somersault in midair and slammed head-first
into the wall, crashed to the ground, then immediately
bounced back to his feet and charged at Ryoga, spewing
obscenities.
"Stop fighting!" Akane shouted, pushing her soaked hair
back from her forehead. "Ranma! Ryoga! What is wrong
with you two?"
"I LONG FOR COMBAT!" Ukyou the Zealot declared, glowing psi
blades descending with a soft hum from her gauntlets.
Akane stared. "U...Ukyou? What...?"
The nine-foot-tall armored monster leapt straight at Ryoga,
moving so fast that she didn't even have time to think
before she was thoroughly pummeled by her psi blades.
Ukyou's eerily glowing eyes burned with battle-lust as she
picked up the weakly resisting human before her and threw
her across the yard like a rag doll. She landed on the
table in front of Akane, and spun to the side just quickly
enough to avoid a crushing axe kick from Ranma.
"Akane?" Ryoga said calmly, facing the asshole and the
zealot from hell, a thin trickle of blood running from her
mouth. Akane looked like she was sort of in shock.
"Akane!"
Akane looked at her with a somewhat dazed expression.
"Reach into my pack. There's a few thermoses in there
filled with hot water. Hand me one."
Ukyou the Zealot stared at Ryoga for a moment, her eyes
burning with an implacable fury, then leapt at her.
Ranma grinned and crossed his arms in front of his chest.
The air shimmered in front of him. "MOKO TAKABISHA!"
He was aiming for Akane's arm, which was holding Ryoga's
pack, but he had just the wrong timing, so the kinetic
blast crashed into Ukyou as she flew through the air,
sending her crashing into Ryoga, sending them both crashing
into Akane. All three of them went down in a shouting pile
of flailing limbs.
Ukyou pulled herself up, first. She was still in zealot
form, but seemed to have regained her senses. "Ran-
chan..." Her eyes glowed with anger. "You just attacked
me, Ran-chan." She stared at him for a moment, then
brandished her psi blades. "I'm going to have to kill you
now, FOR ADUN-"
Ryoga pulled herself up, second, and emptied a thermos on
Ukyou's head.
Akane got up last, and giggled. "Like, ohmygawd!" she
exclaimed to no one in particular, flipping her hair
ditzily. "Like, what's going on?"
Ukyou ran a hand through her hair. "Ryoga...tell me
again...why did you guys think it would be a good idea to
bring cursed water back from China?"
Ryoga chuckled nervously. "Well, it seemed like a good
idea at the time..."
Ranma smiled at them maliciously, then attacked.
-*-
By the time they had subdued and de-assholized Ranma, which
took the better part of two hours, since Ranma could be
quite elusive when he wanted to be, the three of them sat
exhausted in the Tendo yard.
"Okay," Ryoga grumbled, looking sourly at Ranma. "We. Are.
Changing. Your. Curse. I don't care what you think.
There's no way I'm putting up with Asshole Ranma any more."
Ukyou nodded. "I agree, Ran-chan. There's just no way.
Anything would be better than the Asshole. I'd prefer you
turned into a hydralisk that was about to feast on the
remains of my dead comrades than the Asshole."
Ryoga gave her a sideways glance. "What...?"
"But what other curse am I supposed to use?" Ranma
protested.
"_Any_ other curse," Ryoga said emphatically.
"Also," Ukyou noted, sighing, "Akane got cursed, and is now
missing."
Ryoga looked around in alarm. "WHAT??" He silently cursed
himself. "How could I not have noticed that Akane was gone?
Where did she go??"
"She said she was, like, totally going shopping, like, fer
shure," Ukyou told him flatly.
Ranma leapt to his feet. "We have to go find her!"
And then it started raining.
-*-
-*-
Yes, I'm writing fanfics again. Fate is cruel. =)
Much thanks to the Eternal Lost Lurker for pre-reading and catching
OOC-isms, and to Johan Holmberg for his suggestion for the beginning
of the story!
C&C appreciated! Like, dislike, hate with a passion? I wanna know!
- George/Hunter Kid
gth782m at mail dot gatech dot edu