[Ranma/Xover][FanFic] The Bet: Reluctant Bet seg 26 "Reluctant Slapstick?"
Gregg Sharp
Reluctant Bet segment 26 "Reluctant Slapstick?"
Disclaimer: Ranma 1/2 characters by Rumiko Takahashi,
SAilor Moon characters by Naoko Takeuchi. Honda Yasou, Hall
Monitor supreme, from "Combustible Campus Guardess". Not the
manga, not the manga (clang!) again!
--------
Nodoka watched the news report with more than a touch of
good humored curiosity. The girl interviewed was that shrine
priestess rescued by her son upon his return and the talk of
the Juuban Angel was certainly more interesting than some
odd illness going through the Shizuma region.
Interviwer (hurrying behind the girl who is obviously trying
to escape): "Hino-san! Hino-san! Just one moment of your
time!"
Priestess (exasperated): "Okay. ONE question. I've got to
get to school and the nuns aren't exactly tolerant of
tardiness."
Interviewer: "What exactly is your relationship to the
Juuban Angel? Is it true that this is your guardian angel?"
Priestess (suddenly blushing and fidgeting): "Well... he...
I..."
The camera shifts off of the priestess briefly to show
trashcans and debris moving by themselves in the background,
then back to the schoolgirl.
Interviewer (obviously sensing fresh prey): "Yes?!"
Priestess (still fidgeting and not noticing that large heavy
objects are dancing in the background): "Errr, well, Ranma's
kind of my boyfriend. AHHH! I gotta go!"
Interviewer (now standing in front of camera while loud
thunks indicate that flying objects are no longer floating
about): "Well, folks, now we know. A Shinto priestess with
connections to the hierarchy of another faith! Will this
mixed relationship work out or is it doomed from the start?
This is Ayame Mitsuhara with Channel 5 News."
Nodoka smiled pleasantly as her eyes went to a cat's
cradle of red threads that she'd carefully prepared.
~Apparently THAT scroll worked as well. My son will have
multiple girlfriends, each vying for his affections, and
then I'll use the final scroll. Ah, if Happosai had only
known that these would only work when cast on someone ELSE'S
behalf, he might never have collected them.~
-----------
Wings faded away as Ranma settled down to the street
outside the front gate, followed by him checking his
appearance as best he could. Minor enchantments had given
him some access to treasure, and treasure had given him
access to funds, and funds had given him access to clothing.
As a Healer priest, he was under a vow of poverty, but he
also had to make do without some of the usual resources of
that priesthood - so some small amount of money and supplies
were necessary.
Usually Ranma did NOT show up in black denim jeans, a
white cotton shirt, leather vest, and black tennis shoes.
But then, this was not the usual Ranma, so he felt it was
all right.
Ranma sighed before going up to the door. "Well, it's
show time, I guess." He knocked, waiting for whatever
disaster was going to befall him.
The door burst open, literally. "DARLING!" *GLOMP!*
Ranma blinked as he was glomped onto with sufficient
speed and ferocity that he doubted the REAL Ranma could have
escaped. This did not compute. That had sounded like Kasumi.
There was the faint odor of baked bread and cookies clinging
to the girl who was currently snuggled up against him. From
what he could see, she *looked* like she might be Kasumi.
Therefore... this didn't make ANY sense unless it was a case
of mistaken identity.
"YOU THERE! STOP MOLESTING MY SISTER!" Now Akane came
out, followed by Nabiki and Soun.
Ranma blinked. Well, at least SOME things were going by
the script.
Seeing that Kasumi had glomped Ranma from the front,
Nabiki attacked from the side. "Kasumi! Ranma is MY fiance!"
*GLOMP!*
"HUH?!" Ranma blinked again. Script, what script?
"RANMA!" Genma showed up in the doorway. "How dare you
engage yourself to other women?!"
"Say what?" Ranma blinked again. "Did i switch
timelines again and miss it?"
"You are NOT inheriting the dojo! It's MINE! *I* am the
heir to the Tendo Ryuu!" Akane pointed at the boy being
hugged by her sisters. "To free my sisters of this
ridiculous arrangement and keep the dojo, I, AKANE TENDO,
RIGHTFUL HEIR TO THE TENDO DOJO, CHALLENGE YOU!" *crackle*
*thooom*
"Taking lessons from Kuno?" Ranma asked, looking at
where red lightning had struck.
"Anything Goes mean getting manuevers from everyone and
anything," admitted Akane, "as long as it works."
Ranma nodded, at least this was fairly familiar ground.
"So, the dojo?"
"Yeah!" Akane spun on one foot, heading through her
house.
"Uhm." Ranma realized there was a problem with this.
"Could you two let go of me?"
---------
Ranma took a couple of deep breaths as he loosened up.
Akane merely stepped into a fighting stance and glared at
him.
Ranma blinked as a detail intruded. Akane looked
different, something about her face. And then there was the
pack of "Luckys" that she had tossed into the corner. She
SMOKED? There hadn't been any smell clinging to Kasumi or
Nabiki so it wasn't THEIR cigarettes. There WAS a definite
odor sticking to the dojo itself, as well as a few cigarette
butts out on the lawn surrounding it.
"i thought you were a martial artist, why smoke?"
"My father smokes, HE'S a martial artist. Or are you
saying I'm too CUTE to smoke." Akane spat to the side. "CUTE
is something I'll never be! DAMN YOU!"
Ranma let out a breath. "That's a wig, isn't it?"
Kasumi cleared her throat from the side. "Earlier this
year, a boy named Tatewaki Kuno made an announcement that
only someone who could beat Akane could date her. The high
school Chemistry Club used a chemical bomb..."
Akane yanked the wig off and tossed it to the side with
her smokes. Revealing...
Short, almost a buzz cut. And it was GREEN on one side.
"I take it they were watching 'Urusei Yatsura' and
thought you'd make a perfect Lum?" Ranma shook his head.
"I've seen worse."
"I'm gonna take that smarmy attitude and ram it so far up
your..."
"Not in front of Kasumi," Ranma cautioned. "Okay, Akane,
though I really don't want to fight anyone."
"Fight ME. And you'd BETTER go all out!"
"I don't like hurting people," said Ranma, "even someone
like you."
"DIE!" Akane launched herself.
*GRAB!* *SPIN!* *IMBED!* *WHAM!WHAM!WHAM!*
"Oh, well, if that's what you want." Ranma addressed
the hole marking where he'd imbedded the youngest Tendo into
the floor of the dojo. "I'm gonna get a bath. If you peep on
me, you're gonna get some soap where the sun don't shine."
Akane slowly peeled herself out of the hole in the
floor. "Who does he think he is?! Grrrr..."
---------------
Kasumi exclaimed at the sight coming down the hallway.
"Mmmmmrff! Mmmfrmmrmm!"
Kasumi blinked. "You'd like me to remove that loufa
Akane?"
"Mrmmmrmf!" *Pop!*
"Oh, well, I'm sure the soap will come out eventually."
"This too shall pass, eh, Akane?" Nabiki chortled at
the way her sister was walking. ~Where the sun doesn't
shine, eh? Well, he kept his word, didn't he?~
"He tripped me and threw a bar of soap up my..."
Akane grimaced. "And I can still feel it! Kasumi..."
"Yes, I'll have a word with Ranma-san later."
Akane rubbed her jaw, distended from having a
sponge thrust within. "Ouch. That jerk! How dare he do
that?!"
Nabiki merely smirked. "He promised he'd do
something like that if you..."
"I'll show him! He won't catch me off guard like
that again!" Akane turned and ran back to the furo. "Hey you
pervert! How dare yo....urk!"
<GRAB, THUD, CRASH, SPLASH, SMASH, STUFF, STUFF-SOME-MORE,
STITCH, THUMP>
Nabiki and Kasumi exchanged a glance as the sounds
continued from down the hall.
"Oh my," said Nabiki, eyes wide. ~Well, at least
that's ONE less competitor for my Ranma-sama!~
Kasumi nodded, hoping the two hadn't made a mess.
"She must really like Ranma." Kasumi left the kitchen
briefly, dragging a large bundle back a moment later.
Nabiki blinked. Akane had been hog tied with the
belt of her own gi, and had a large "Do Not Open Until Xmas"
sticker over her mouth. Akane glared at everyone present and
mumbled something.
"Akane, if I let you loose, will you stop
attacking Ranma? It really isn't proper for you to peep on
him like that," Kasumi said, coloring slightly. ~After all,
Ranma is *my* fiance!~
"So you got a good look, sis?" Nabiki addressed
Kasumi, snickering when her elder sister blushed a deeper
shade of red and nodded. "And?"
"Mmmmmmfff!"
"My goodness, Akane, your cheeks are awfully
flushed. Do you have a fever?"
"Urrrraaaaarrrr!" Akane did her best to bellow with
a sticker over her mouth.
"Hmmmm," Nabiki hmmmed. "She *is* awfully red. To go
peeping on him twice, Ranma must be *really* cute. Gee, I
think I ought to go check on Ranma just to make sure he's
okay."
Kasumi blinked, realizing that a guest had been
inconvenienced. "Oh my, you're right, Nabiki!"
"MMMMMMMMM!" Akane yelled as she realized that she'd
been left wrapped up in the kitchen. Alone. "MMMMRRRRRR!"
That soap was really uncomfortable.
------------
Shampoo reached the outskirts of Nerima first. More
"casualties" in the mountains had given her a clear lead.
The only ones she had to worry about were Mace, Azure,
and the mysteriously reappearing Sash. How the girl had
gotten ahead of them was a puzzle that Shampoo would work
out later. AFTER giving Ranma the Kiss Of Marriage.
Mace had stripped, hogtied, and gagged the pneumatic
Thyme. By the time Rosemary and Sage found her, everyone
else would be long gone.
Now Mace was falling behind, having too much muscle
mass for long distance running.
Azure and Sash would be no competition, but Shampoo
didn't dare get complacent. She was almost to the Finish
Line, after all. Now came finding this 'Tendo Dojo' place.
---------
A relaxing quiet moment in the furo. Well, after he'd
had to deal with Akane twice. This form wasn't a world-class
martial artist, but it had tremendous strength and speed and
was pretty tough. Akane had struck him quite hard, but he'd
simply absorbed the force and hadn't been sent flying
through any walls.
Then Kasumi and Nabiki came in with their bath things to
make sure he was all right. Which made Ranma quite glad he'd
picked up some swim trunks and had gotten them out after
Akane had shown up the second time. They had looked
disappointed, which meant that this was some attempt to
embarass him. He must have tipped them off that he wasn't
completely familiar with Japanese customs (which were often
subtly different in different timelines - proving that the
Japanese were sometimes inscrutable on purpose), therefore
the Japanese desire to yank foreigner's chains was coming
out.
A girl with partially green stubble decorating her head
charged him from the side. Not being the real Ranma, and
being neither a masochist nor politically incorrect in
treatment of women, Ranma treated the incident as he would
if attacked by an obscenity-screaming blunt-object (a
frypan) waving guy making a death threat.
*WHAM!* *POW!* *SMASH!* *THUD!*
"Ranma! How could you hurt my little girl?!" Soun came
racing up, forming demon head.
"Is she a martial artist, or is she a little girl
playing dress up?" Ranma held the short girl by the waist
band of her shorts at arm's length and looked for somewhere
to stick her where she wouldn't be a problem for awhile.
"Uhm," Soun paused.
"Ohhhh..." moaned Akane, not having been pummelled
completely into unconsciousness.
"B?" Soun said after a few moments of consideration.
"So you're saying that she's some fragile doll, a little
girl playing dress up, not a true martial artist at all,
just someone who likes the title but is too weak and frail
and helpless to be taken seriously?" Ranma sounded
thoughtful. "Well, in THAT case, i can't pick on the weak."
"Yes! That's right!" Soun nodded, happy it was all a
misunderstanding and things would be all right now. "Now
son, I've got a question for..." The rest of what he was
saying was drowned out by the eruption of Mt Akane.
"WHAT?!" Akane stared at her father. "DAD! I am *TOO* a
martial artist! You just keep attacking when I'm not ready!
You cheat!"
Ranma sighed as the girl started kicking her legs and
waving her arms around. "Look, Tendo-san, i *was* willing to
treat you with some respect (one should always treat large
venomous creatures with respect) and fight you 'for real' as
you required of me. Your father and sensei informs me that
this is not acceptable. So, we'll simply go with a different
relationship now. Oh! A weight set!"
"What are you doing!"
*WRAP TIE THUNK*
"i don't want to be attacked at random points,
Tendo-san. That is why i tied your ankles together with your
barbell. i'll free you before school tomorrow." Lifting girl
and weights together, Ranma tossed them out into the
backyard. "Now, Tendo-kun, you were saying?"
Akane gritted her teeth and started dragging herself
back to the house. No way she was going to suffer this
impertinence!
---------
"So... Ranma. You've met my three daughters..." Soun
wasn't quite sure what to say about this. "But you died
years ago. So the honor agreement was to unite the two
families through marriage, but with you being dead..."
Ranma nodded. So the real Ranma was dead? He'd have to
get details, it could be important. "i'm not sure how long
i'll be on this plane of existence, Mister Tendo."
"I understand, you're back to tie up your mortal
affairs." Soun nodded, as this possibility had been
explained to him by Nabiki. "So which of my daughters are
you going to marry?"
"i don't know that this is even permitted, Tendo-san."
"IT'S NOT GOING TO BE ME!" There was a clunk as Akane
dragged herself across the threshold. "You insufferable
BOY!"
An idea occurred to Ranma. Rage Disorder was a disease
or condition, wasn't it? Some trick of biochemistry where
something didn't work quite right? "With your permission,
Mister Tendo, i'd like to try something different. Don't
worry, it won't hurt her."
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Akane struggled as she was lifted
and laid flat with her face into the floor. "Cut it out, you
pervert!"
Ranma noticed Kasumi, Nabiki, and Genma had been
attracted by the noise. "What i'm about to do is a healing
spell and a geas. If this works, Akane will stop attacking
me whenever i'm in the house."
"Why not just kiss her?" Nabiki inquired politely.
"Kiss Akane? Oh my, that wouldn't be proper!" Kasumi
fretted.
"Hey!" Ranma continued holding Akane by the nape of her
neck and one hand positioned on her waist above the hips.
She'd REALLY begun struggling now.
"He didn't intend to, oneechan, but when he kissed
*me*." Nabiki grinned and blushed at the remembrance.
Kasumi's eyes widened at NABIKI blushing. Her eyes
locked on a different target. "Well then..."
Ranma's eyes widened as Kasumi knelt and gathered him
in for a quick smooch that turned alarmingly hungry and
passionate as the nineteen year old girl seemed to melt
against him.
Akane took the opportunity to wiggle free as Ranma was
distracted.
"Ah, Kasumi, such initiative. You make your father
proud!"
"Yes, Tendo, a perfect match!" *Splash!* "Growf?!"
Nabiki set the empty cup down. "Ranma is MY fiance,
Kasumi. If anyone around here is going to smooch him, it's
going to be ME."
Ranma blinked as Kasumi was dragged off of him. He felt
a little dizzy, wondering what had brought THAT on. "What
the heck?"
Kasumi blinked a few times and seemed to be staring off
into space.
Ranma decided to concentrate on the immediate, leaving
the imponderables for later. Grabbing and pinning Akane
again, he tried a 'Heal' spell first.
"Wounds knit and scars banish,
Disease begone and disorders vanish,
Be whole again, within and without,
Firmen tissue and health be stout,
This warrior nurture with thy light,
To make smooth flesh and restore might."
Light surrounded Akane briefly, warm and golden. When
it faded, Akane shuddered a few times. "Get. Off. Me."
"Uhm." Ranma reluctantly withdrew his hands. Akane
flipped over and glared at him.
"Well, she's still ticked. So maybe a Geas that runs
counter to the problem." Grey frowned, not liking this. A
Geas was similar to hypnotic compulsion, at least the kind
of Geas he had access to. Healers typically used the spell
as punishment for a crime or to break an addiction or bad
habit. The problem was that he wanted her to stop attacking
him in the house, and as casual violence was deeply
engrained in her being he'd have to use a substitute. Such
as if he cured her smoking habit by replacing the desire for
a smoke with chewing gum. So same stimulus for a different
response...
"Akane," Kasumi interrupted. "Your scars, they're gone!"
She held out a compact for her little sister to examine
herself.
Akane stared for a moment, then snatched the small
mirror away. "It can't be," Akane said in a flat tone,
rubbing a flesh tone away from her one cheek and staring at
the result. "no way..."
"That's the way son!" Soun slapped Ranma on the back as
Akane stared from the mirror to her benefactor. The
inevitable occurred.
---------
She had waited impatiently before consulting the mirror
again.
"Magic Mirror, tell the deed,
What's become of demon Greed?"
The obsidian surface clouded then cleared again, this
time showing a happily smiling group of teenage girls. Well
mostly happily smiling. Usagi had fallen asleep.
"Your servant Greed has failed her task,
One has come who wears a mask,
Mikuji failed to dragon's jaws,
And now has Greed failed your cause,
And worse has come this latest twist,
For all have been by power kissed,
Though only two gifts have been given,
Cause can now the giver be driven."
The Dark Lady (having decided that 'Princess' was too
much in common with her foes) thought about this and tried
to untangle the horrid rhymes of the mirror. "Okay, so Greed
bit the big wa-ta-ta and two of the Princesses are now
Senshi? Errr. Fee and fi and menchi. Damn this having to
rhyme things anyway."
"No, o mistress, Senshi they're not,
As for power they've not got a lot.
But as each awakes further they'll be more trouble,
Increasing the difficulty by far more than double,
Observe in my surface the two of such strength,
It'll save me from speaking on such great length."
Dark Lady (she didn't like THAT name either as it had
connotations of those filthy bourgoisse running around with
their noses up in the air) watched a few scenes of Rei
floating around and Minako erecting a force wall. "Hmmmm. An
Esper. Looks like a Level Six using the old Moon Kingdom
guides. Telekinesis, I would assume some Farseeing and
Precognition, though as she hasn't tracked me down, that's
all I can be sure of. The other one seems able to erect
mystical barriers, a rare Talent and quite useful. Though
all of the nobility of the Silver Millenium had SOME gift to
distinguish them from the mortals they lorded it over."
"Not that you're holding a grudge against being one
of those minor servants that had to clean up after them and
got run ragged."
The Dark Lady addressed the mirror. "Of course it is.
It's all about revenge and making sure that the Silver
Millenium doesn't return. Now... I think the problem was
moving too fast. Like a disease that gathers strength
slowly, the Seeds should be allowed to fester in their
targets and therefore be stronger when the seed manifests."
The mirror sounded surprised. "That actually sounds
intelligent."
"Keep your comments useful. Let's see... I'll use
Lust and Anger, I think.
"For these seeds of deadly sin,
Show me who to infect within."
"You've been practicing," noted the mirror.
"As you've pointed out, I'm a former chambermaid
with a handful of scavenged items. I *have* to be smarter
than a doorknob."
Knocking on the door caused the 'Dark Lady' to
cross to it, muttering appropriate dark phrases about how
after she'd brought the Princesses to heel she'd have THEM
answer HER door and pick up HER trash and...
Rei, Minako, and two others stood outside the door.
"Ah, Rhodite-san. Can we make a deal?"
-----------
WEIRD IDEAS section:
That Nodoka, and her bizarre ideas on manliness, might have
done something to produce some of Ranma's difficulties.
Hmmm. Howcome nobody's ever done a crossover between Ranma
or SM and "Combustible Campus Guardess"? You'd think the
weird superpowers of CCG and the battle between the
Guardians and Remnants would fit in fairly well.
In the Senshi/Sentai series the villains are always idiots
though in the past they weren't (otherwise the Dark Kingdom
would never have wiped out the Silver Millenium in the first
place.) What about a villain/menace that was ALWAYS
underpowered and at least middling competent? (As opposed to
extremely powerful idiots.) Hence the Dark Chambermaid.
The Seven Sins were one of the concepts being batted around
for "Angel 1/2". Greed (Nabiki), Anger (Ryoga), Lust, Envy
(Akane), Pride, Sloth (Soun), Gluttony (Genma).
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""Tsk. You Americans, your women are encouraged
to live up to a standard, while your men are encouraged
to live down to another."
- Kasumi Tendo, "Supersoldier"
"The loudest voice is often the most
incorrect."
- Grey, "reluctant bet"