[Ranma][FanFic] Daigakusei no Ukyou: As You Like It - Episode 7

[Saotome Ranma]

I've been searching to find
What makes me try again
But I don't see the connection
Between love and a man

I'm looking for a missing person
One that I used to know
There was one of two
That was me and you
But now there's a new place to go

Help me find my way
Please God don't let me go
'Cause I'm still looking
Looking for that missing person I oughta know

+-----------------------------------------------------------+
| Daigakusei no Ukyou: As You Like It |
| |
| Created by David Tai, Paul Gallegos, |
| John Walter Biles and Jeff Hosmer |
| |
| Based on the characters created by Rumiko Takahashi |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+

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Episode 07: "Broken Spatula Faceoff"
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[Open on a path by the campus near the student apartments. Kuonji Ukyou, her
arms full of groceries, is meandering along it.]

Ukyou: (happily mumbling) Okay... butter, eggs, milk, Pocky for Megami, Soba
noodles, a pint of lemon sherbet, Oolong Tea, Varaiyah Tea, a spare lightbulb,
SterAWAY! for the pest problem... I hope Makiko didn't get as much as I did.
We're barely going to have enough freezer space as it is. Still, gotta pass
this test, which'll be much easier if I never have to leave the apartment.

[A man runs past her, screaming. Ukyou blinks.]

Ukyou: (calling after him) Good morning, Kaihoten-san!

[Two more people race past her, yelling at the top of their lungs. Ukyou
blinks again.]

Ukyou: (quickening her step) Maybe it's a new kind of jogging.

[Before long, a group of eight students run towards her, gibbering in fear.
Ukyou steps in front of them and waves.]

Ukyou: (friendly tone) Hey, guys, what's going...

[Ignoring Ukyou, they stampede into and over her. Groceries fly in all
directions. Still gibbering, the students charge off into the sunset.]

Ukyou: (flat on her back) ...on?

[A screaming straggler charges past, stepping on her face in the process.
Ukyou lies in the middle of the road for a few seconds, then sits up.]

Ukyou: (shoeprint with "NIKE" stamped across her forehead) Okay, maybe it's
not jogging. (glances at the ruined groceries) Someone's gonna _pay_ for all
this, though!

[Standing, she sets off at a good trot for the apartment. Another student
races past, screaming, and she casually trips him.]

Ukyou: (sweetly) Hi!

Student: (screaming) IIIEEEEE! GUNS! MURDER! BULLETS! BLOOD! DEATH! CARNAGE!
IEEEE! (pauses, normal voice) Oh, hi. (resumes) IIEEEE! WE'RE ALL GOING TO
DIE! CARNAGE! BLOOD! IIIEEEE!

Ukyou: (confused) C'mon, mid-terms aren't _that_ bad....

Student: (crazed look) Lebanese terrorists! Hundreds of em! In the apartment
building! Riding giant war yaks! With Uzis and Ak-747s and chainsaws!
AAAAAIIIEEEE!

[He tries to get up. Ukyou steps on his chest, forcing him back down.]

Ukyou: (disapprovingly) Taking drugs can get you expelled, you know.

[A muffled explosion comes from the direction of the apartments. Startled,
Ukyou looks at the vague shapes of the building through the trees, then
glances back down at the struggling student.]

Ukyou: Giant War Yaks? Lebanese?

Student: (panicked) They came through the roof! Waving their knives and hooked
potato peelers! The horror! The horror! They killed dozens... hundreds of
students! And they hate theatre arts majors! I'M a theatre arts major! They're
gonna shoot me and hang me!

Ukyou: What, both at once?

[The obviously fear-crazed student jumps to his feet and does a passable
imitation of a Gold-Medal sprinter. Ukyou stares after him, obviously
worried.]

Ukyou: (nervously) Lebanese terrorists? On yaks? That's as stupid as...

[Another muffled explosion is heard. Ukyou glances again at the apartment
complex.]

Ukyou: ...as any of the other things that have happened since I met Ranchan.
(she starts, a thought striking her) Megami! Makiko! They were supposed to be
home by now!

[Clearly worried, Ukyou races towards the building. As she draws closer, the
sound of screams and gunfire makes itself heard, wafting down from the upper
floor. Ukyou pulls to a stop before the deserted front door, and swallows.]

Ukyou: Oh my God... Makiko.... Megumi... (her jaw firms) Hold on... I'm
coming.

[Taking an aluminum baseball bat from the sports storage room off the main
lobby, she cautiously creeps up the deserted stairwell.]

Ukyou: (to herself) I don't see any bodies...

[She reaches her floor, and opens the door to the hall. The sounds of gunfire
and screaming are almost deafening now. Ukyou tightens her grip on the bat,
and stalks down the corridor.]

Ukyou: (mumbling) Giant War Yaks. Steady, Ucchan...

Makiko's Voice: (over the gunfire) AUGH! My arm! He blew my arm off!

Megami's Voice: Look out, Auntie!

[Ukyou freezes in shock, then yells in rage and runs for the door to her
apartment. Finding it closed, she kicks the door down.]

Ukyou: (bat held high, infuriated) DIE!

Makiko: (swiveling in her chair, startled) AAAAAAH!

(They both freeze, staring at each other. The apartment is empty, save for
Ukyou, Makiko, and a wide-eyed Megami. The sound of gunfire, seemingly from
nowhere, fills the apartment.)

Ukyou: (frenzied tone) Where are the Lebanese yak rider terrorists!?

Makiko: (wide-eyed, slowly backing away) Whatever it is, I'm sorry? Please
don't kill me?

Ukyou: (confused) Huh?

[She takes a closer look around the apartment, and notices the two HUGE
speakers set up next to the computer.]

Ukyou: (lowering the bat) What the hell?

Makiko: (scared, soothing tone) That's right, Ucchan... just put the bat down,
and we can talk about whatever it is that's bothering you...

[Ignoring her, Ukyou stomps over to look at the monitor. On it, a game of
Quake is well underway. She looks at the speakers blaring forth gunfire, then
at the monitor, then at the worried Makiko.]

Ukyou: (incredulously) A GAME? I nearly had a heart attack over a stupid GAME?

Makiko: (indignantly) That's not just a game, that's Quake!

Ukyou: (pointing to the speakers) And what the hell's this?

Makiko: (proudly) I bought a Whammo sound card and ApocX stereo speakers with
Carnage Tuning! Neat, huh?

Ukyou: Makiko, they evacuated the building because of this damn thing! They
thought that was real gunfire!

Makiko: (wide-eyed) Oh. Whoops.

Ukyou: Whoops? WHOOPS!?

Makiko: (happily) But it does sound great, doesn't it? (peers at Ukyou) Hey,
Ucchan, is that a footprint on your face?

[Ukyou stares at her, in a daze. Megami tugs twice at her shirt.]

Megami: Ukyou?

Ukyou: Yes, Megami?

Megami: I have dibs on next game.

[Ukyou facefaults.]

[Later in the day. Makiko is sitting on her bed, staringly longingly at the
speakers and computer. Across the room, Ukyou sits at her desk, lost in a
textbook.]

Makiko: (hesitatingly) Uh, Ucchan?

Ukyou: (not looking up) Yes, Maki-chan?

Makiko: I don't suppose... I could play just one game?

Ukyou: (still reading) No.

Makiko: (wheedling) Please? I'll turn down the volume...

Ukyou: No. I've heard what that monstrosity sounds like turned down. I've been
at rock concerts that were quieter.

Makiko: But I'm going through withdrawal!

[Looking up, Ukyou glares at her roommate.]

Ukyou: You should have thought of that before buying a soundsystem on which
the lowest setting is labeled "Very Very Loud"! I've got a test in a few days,
and I can't study with you firing off more rounds of ammunition than they used
in the Gulf War!

Makiko: (meekly) Okay, so Quake is a little loud... how about Doomed?

Ukyou: No.

Makiko: Castle Badgerstein?

Ukyou: No.

Makiko: Moral Wombat 3?

Ukyou: (turning to glare at her) No, no, and no. Unless you have a completely
silent game, which I know for a fact that you don't, not a chance.

Makiko: (meekly) Oh.

[Silence for a while as Ukyou ferociously devours the textbook, and Makiko
sits on the bed staring wistfully at her machine. Finally, Makiko stands.]

Makiko: Right. Well, I'm gonna... (she thinks) go see if Lard-chan's around.

Ukyou: (not looking up) That's nice.

[Makiko quietly sighs, and leaves. Ukyou continues doggedly studying.]

* * *

[The Nekohanten. A gloomy-looking Makiko is sitting at the bar, an untouched
drink in front of her. Mousse, glancing at her, throws a bottle on a chain to
a customer; the container missing her head by mere inches. Makiko doesn't so
much as blink. Frowning, he walks over.]

Mousse: Kawamura-san? Is something bothering you?

Makiko: (blinking) Hmm? No, Mousse, thanks. I just really need to shoot
something.

Mousse: (faintly) Shoot something?

Makiko: Yeah. I was blowing people away today with that 12-gauge... say, do
you know where Tanaka-san is?

Mousse: (aghast) Noooo.... I'm afraid I don't. Er, Kawamura-san, when you say
"blow people away"...

Makiko: (oblivious) Yeah, I got Hiroshi square between the eyes; blew his head
clean off. Was a beautiful shot. Never saw it coming. I hope he isn't mad at
me.

Mousse: (slowly backing away) I'm... sure he forgives you...

[He hastily vanishes into the back room. Makiko sighs, and sips her drink.]

Makiko: (muttering) Boooooored. (she sighs) Lard-chan, where are you? I could
use something to cheer me up. Or even just something unusual, something
interesting...

[The door to the Nekohanten is suddenly flung open in dramatic fashion to
reveal Yuriko, clad only in a rather loosely draped bath towel. Her hair is
still damp, and drips water onto her shoulders; she's obviously come straight
from the shower. The entire room falls silent, and the eyeball radius of every
male present expands to twice the previous size.]

Makiko: Okay, this qualifies.

Yuriko: (frenzied tone) I.... need a volunteer!

All The Men: (jumping to their feet) HAI!

[Those women here with someone give their dates dirty looks, and they
reluctantly sit down. One student, an athletic-looking fellow, shoulders his
way through the crowd.]

Student: (in supposedly suave tones) So, what do you want me to... (suggestive
leer) do for you, baby?

Yuriko: (smiling, oblivious) I want you to test an experimental delta-sine
brainwave manipulator with enzyme-control biosupplements.

Student: (brow wrinkling) Kinky. I think.

Student 2: (recoiling in horror) Hey! That's Murata Yuriko! The one who
poisoned the Miracle Violence Combination! She turned them into human
balloons!

Yuriko: (indigantly) They got better! Mostly.

[The men who had remained standing quickly sit down. The first student looks
at Yuriko in shock.]

Yuriko: (eyeing him in much the same way as one would a microbe) Hmmm. Yes,
you'll do nicely. How high is your tolerance to electricity?

[The student screams and jumps out a nearby window.]

Yuriko: (calling after him) Wait! This is for science! (she sighs, and turns
back to address the room.) Doesn't anyone want to volunteer?

[Everyone becomes very interested in their drinks.]

Yuriko: I'll pay you!

Student 2: Gotta go arrange my sock drawer.

[He hastily leaves. Several others follow; "Gosh, look at the time..." "I'm
gonna miss Days of Our Lives!" "Uh-oh, I'll be late for my mandolin
lesson..."]

Yuriko: (frustrated) How am I supposed to prove my pioneering VR breakthrough
really works if no-one wants to try it?

[At the bar, Makiko stiffens and slowly turns in her seat.]

Makiko: (slowly) Did you say, "VR"?

Yuriko: Well, actually I said "How am I supposed to prove my..."

Makiko: Right. And can you configure it for... games?

Yuriko: (shrugging) Don't see why not.

Makiko: (standing) I volunteer. For the good of science, I volunteer.

[A gasp of horror sweeps the room.]

Patron 1: So noble!

Patron 2: So brave!

Patron 3: So amazingly dumb!

Yuriko: (dumbfounded) You do? You do?

Makiko: (nodding) Yup. When do I get to try it out?

Yuriko: (delighted) Right now! Come on!

[Taking Makiko's hand, she drags her out the door. After a few seconds, Mousse
emerges from the back room.]

Mousse: Okay, Kawamura-san, how about we just talk... (looks around) Hey!
Where'd Kawamura go?

Patron 2: She just left.

Mousse: (pale) Drat... I'll tell the police that when they get here. (adjusts
his glasses, squints at the entrance) Hey... whose towel is that, caught in
the door?

* * *

[Yuriko's apartment. Kasumi's influence can be immediately seen; the room is
nearly spotless. However, Yuriko's influence is equally apparent - machines,
beakers, vials, burners, cages of small mammals, cryogenic tanks, and diagrams
of the human head with notes scrawled on them like "cut here".

The door opens, and Yuriko enters. Makiko's jacket covers her; the jacket's
owner enters a few seconds later.]

Yuriko: (cheerfully) Here we are! Let me change into a lab coat, and I'll be
right with you.

[She tosses off the jacket and begins rooting through a pile of clothing.
Makiko politely averts her eyes, and dubiously examines the room.]

Makiko: (looking around) I don't see any helmets or gloves...

Yuriko: (tossing aside a pair of lederhosen as she grabs a slightly dirty lab
coat) There aren't any. Mechanical interfaces are too bulky, too distracting,
too artificial...

Makiko: (nodding sagely) And you couldn't afford them, right?

Yuriko: Well, yes. But my method is much better!

[Pulling on the lab coat, she walks over to a complicated-looking set of
headphones. Holding them up, she poses.]

Yuriko: (triumphantly) The Hypno-Epileptic Delta Sine Wave Implementer, Mark
23!

Makiko: (looking disappointed) What, it's sound only?

Yuriko: Oh no, of course not! The HEDSWIM23 uses your own brain to produce
visual effects via a complex mix of sound hypnosis and extremely powerful and
untested chemical supplements. That last had been giving me trouble, but just
minutes ago I thought of the solution while washing my left armpit. Five
percent more cat sweat enzymes! (she slaps her forehead) It was staring me in
the face all along!

Makiko: (doubtfully) Er. Of course it was. Look, is this thing safe? It's not
gonna melt my brain or something, right?

Yuriko: (cheerfully) Of course not! It stopped doing that around, oh, Mark 19.

Makiko: (nervous) What a relief.

Yuriko: (mixing something in a beaker) Now. What sort of game did you want to
run? Monopoly? Gin? Candyland? Shogi?

Makiko: Utter Carnage Multiplayer. With HyPerGOR enhancement.

Yuriko: Is that like Old Maid?

Makiko: No, not really. You take a shotgun and a rocket launcher and a
chainsaw and run around killing things.

Yuriko: (beaming) Oh, you mean a psychotic episode! Don't worry, it stopped
causing those around Mark 16.

Makiko: (gulping) Er. No, I mean a simulator where you run around killing
things.

Yuriko: (frowning) Hmm. Harmless aggression channeling. Not a bad idea,
actually.

[She finishes mixing a solution, and then proceeds to whack keys on a terminal
enthusiastically. Makiko sits in a chair to wait, leafing through some of
Kasumi's cookbooks. Finally, Yuriko stands.]

Yuriko: (handing her the solution) Here. Drink this.

Makiko: (sniffing it cautiously) Ugh. What does it do?

Yuriko: It makes your brain more in tune with the delta waves from the
headset. And it clears up any acne you might have. Side-effects are fun.

Makiko: (muttering) This is not a good idea.

[She gulps the potion down.]

Makiko: Gah.

Yuriko: (sympathetic) Tastes vile, doesn't it?

[She hands Makiko the headset.]

Yuriko: Put these on. Don't worry if your ears start to bleed; it'll wash out.

Makiko: (putting on the headset) Okay... now what?

Yuriko: Think of the game you want to play. The wave feedback will use your
thoughts to shape it.

[Closing her eyes, Makiko pictures the first game that comes into her head.
Suddenly, a wave of dizziness washes over her.]

Makiko: (opening her eyes) Hey, Yuriko, I feel a little... huh?

[She blinks. All around her are the walls and battlements of a German castle.]

Makiko: (wonderingly) Cool! I'm actually _in_ Castle Badgerstein!

[Looking down at herself, she notices that her clothing has been replaced by
an allied military uniform. A nasty, cartoonish-looking pistol hangs from her
belt.]

Makiko: (drawing the gun) Wow! (she sights) This is soooo awesome. Now, where
are the Germans...

Voice: Hande hoch.

[She spins. A bored looking soldier in Nazi uniform is mechanically advancing
on her, a gun in one hand. In a single smooth movement, Makiko whips her
pistol around and fires, the shot blowing a pixelated hole in the soldier's
chest.]

Soldier: (bored voice) Argh. Mein leben.

[He carefully lies down.]

Makiko: (slightly irritated) You could put a bit more feeling into it, you
know.

Soldier: (lying down, eyes closed) Yeah, yeah. YOU try being the evil Nazi
cannon fodder, see how much enthusiasm YOU can muster. I mean, "Mein leben"?
Oh, please. That's not even good German.

Makiko: (irritated) So ad-lib.

[She turns away, and stomps into the main castle, gun drawn.]

Makiko: Hmm. This is the second level, so I should be getting...

[A guard in a flamboyant purple uniform turns the corner. Makiko cheerfully
plugs him.]

Guard: (dramatically collapsing) Argh, a touch! I breathe my last! My only
regret is that I have but one life to give for my evil totalitarian
dictatorship. It is a far, far better thing...

Makiko: (shooting him again) Dead men tell no tales. Nor do they deliver their
own eulogies.

Guard: Sorry.

[Makiko merrily skips down the hall, blowing away guards in various gaudy
colors. Finally, she pulls up to a huge door cast of the sturdiest paper
mache.]

Makiko: (reverant whisper) The Mandatory Big Boss Chamber. Secret lair of the
most hated villain in gaming.

[She kicks down the door. A huge purple monstrosity turns to greet her, Nazi
uniform hanging loosely on it.]

Makiko: (ringing voice) Bjornie Von Pukenheim, prepare to face justice!

Bjornie The Nazi Dinosaur: (adjusting monocle) Ach! It ist der fearsome Allied
potato!

Makiko: (blinking) Potato?

Bjornie The Nazi Dinosaur: (blinks) Oh dear, that's not right, is it? (fumbles
with a script) Sorry, commando. Allied commando. (thick German accent returns)
Ach! Erste Hot Death Staffel of Love, attack!

Hordes of Guards: (appearing from nowhere) HEIL BJORNIE!

Makiko: (raising gun) YAAAAAA!

[Horrific carnage ensues. Makiko takes several shots, all of which simply
scuff up her uniform. Finally, the guards and Bjornie lie on the floor,
surrounded by pools of pixelated blood. Makiko laughs delightedly.]

Makiko: (waving gun) Yeah! What a rush! What a...

[Abruptly the chamber vanishes, and she finds herself back in Yuriko's room.
Makiko blinks, shakes her head to clear it, and removes the headphones.]

Yuriko: (anxiously) Well? How was it? Did it damage any part of your brain?
Was it realistic? Have you developed a strong urge to kill rabbits? Has your
sexual orientation changed?

Makiko: (beaming) If worked perfectly!

Yuriko: (blinking) It did?

Makiko: It was like really being there!

Yuriko: It was?

Makiko: You sound surprised.

Yuriko: (unconvincingly) Surprised? Me? Hahahahahah.

Makiko: Right. (frowns slightly) There was only one slight problem.

Yuriko: Voices in your head kept telling you to shave your head and molest
rutabagas?

Makiko: (startled) No...

Yuriko: (fishing out a pocket tape recorder, speaking into it) Mark 23 fixed
rutabaga problem.

Makiko: ...It just wasn't enough of a challenge. I mean, the fun thing about
shooters is that you can do multiplayer games, where you take on other humans.

Yuriko: (nodding) Ah, the comradeship of your digital brothers in arms?

Makiko: No, it's just more fun to crush and humiliate real people. And more of
a challenge.

Yuriko: (thinking) I do have two headsets. What about your roommate,
Kuonji-san?

Makiko: (sadly) She's busy right now. (thinks) Do you want to play?

Yuriko: (hurriedly) Me? No, uh, I'm no good that that sort of thing. Besides,
I need to run the equipment.

Makiko: (downcast) Drat. I don't think there's anyone else I can get ahold of
on short notice.

Yuriko: (thoughtful) Well... actually... I _could_ build a neural AI...

Makiko: (blinking) What's that?

Yuriko: (shrugging) I use your hindbrain to create an artificial personality
matrix capable of independent thought. For the purposes of the game, it's like
another player.

Makiko: (suspiciously) This won't, like, give me a split personality or
anything, will it?

Yuriko: (straightfaced) Hmm? Oh, no. Probably not.

[After thinking for a minute, Makiko hesitantly nods.]

Makiko: Okay. Just don't fry my brain or anything.

Yuriko: (laughing) Fry your brain! How silly!

Makiko: (relieved) Heh. Yeah, well, you know...

Yuriko: It hasn't done that since Mark 13.

* * *

[Ranma and Akane's apartment. Akane is flopped on the futon, watching TV, when
the rattling sound of a key turning in the lock is heard. She glances over as
a shaken-looking Ranma enters and flops down on the sofa.]

Akane: (curious) You look a bit on edge tonight.

Ranma: (shaking his head) You could say that. I just saw something really... I
dunno. Never mind.

Akane: (interested) No, what is it?

Ranma: (hesitantly) Well... I was walking back home, and, well, I saw Makiko
and Yuriko.

Akane: (blinking) So?

Ranma: They were holding hands.

Akane: (shrugging) So they're friends.

Ranma: Yuriko was naked as a jaybird.

Akane: (gaping) Huh?

Ranma: (nodding) And Makiko was taking off her jacket.

Akane: (hesitantly) Maybe they were just...

Ranma: Yuriko was telling Makiko that she'd "give her a sensory experience
she'd never forget."

Akane: (blushing) Oh. Oh my.

Ranma: (nodding) I didn't stick around to see any more.

Akane: (thoughtful) Well. I certainly would never have guessed that they were
lovers.

Ranma: (gloomy) Yeah. It's a real dilemma.

Akane: (surprised) What's the dilemma? So they're lesbians. Big deal.

Ranma: Don't you think Ukyou and Kasumi might want to know?

Akane: (blinking) Oh. You're right, that is a problem.

Ranma: (moodily) Yeah. I don't know how they'd take it. I mean, it _is_ pretty
cramped quarters, ya know?

Akane: (thoughtful) Well, I know Kasumi pretty well, and I don't think it
would bother her. As for Ukyou... (her eyes widen) Oh.

Ranma: What?

Akane: (hesitantly) Ranma... have you considered that maybe Ukyou _already_
knows?

Ranma: (shaking his head) Naw, Ucchan would have told me if.. (he blinks) Wait
a minute, are you suggesting that Makiko and Ukyou are...?

Akane: (nodding) It's possible. Likely, even.

Ranma: (dazed) I dunno... Ucchan isn't really the type...

Akane: (rolling her eyes) She dressed like a boy for years, was in love with
someone who turned into a girl, and you say she's not the type? And didn't she
meet her male side in the spirit world?

Ranma: (blinking) Wow. You have a point.

Akane: (smugly) Of course I do. (frowns) Of course, if Ukyou and Makiko _are_
lovers, and you tell her about this...

Ranma: (finishing) ...she'd be very, very unhappy with Yuriko and Makiko.
Maybe even violently so. Chikusho.

Akane: (soberly) Yeah. As I recall, the last time Ukyou got dumped she spent
the next 10 years seeking revenge. Not exactly a positive sign.

Ranma: (sighing) So what do I do?

Akane: (shrugging) I don't know. Wait, I guess, and sort of probe Ukyou to see
if she and Makiko really are going at it.

Ranma: (thinking) So, like, say "Are you a lesbian?" over lunch or something?

Akane: No, something a little more subtle.

Ranma: Subtle... yeah... okay, "Is it perhaps possible that you and Makiko are
lesbians?".

[Akane rolls her eyes and throws a pillow at him.]

* * *

[Yuriko's room. Makiko is nervously looking on as the pre-med student tinkers
with the HEDSWIM23, calibrating doohickeys and fine-tuning thingamabobs.
Finally, Yuriko nods and straightens.]

Yuriko: (triumphantly) There! I've added the neural separation inducer. We'll
have to remove part of your skull...

Makiko: (wide-eyed) I've changed my mind.

Yuriko: (smoothly) ...or we can just use bone resonance without having to cut
your head open, I suppose. Okay, put this on.

[Cautiously, Makiko puts the headset on. The room vanishes, and she appears in
a featureless black void.]

Makiko: (looking around nervously) Hey... hey, Yuriko? I think this thing's
broken...

Yuriko's Voice: (disembodied) Don't worry. This is normal. I'm not running the
game yet, just setting up the AI.

Makiko: (relieved) Oh, okay.

Yuriko's Voice: And don't worry about the giant squid; it won't hurt you.

Makiko: (glancing around) Right.

Ukyou's Voice: Hi, Maki-chan!

[Spinning around, Makiko suddenly notices Ukyou standing behind her, clothed
in the dark, high-collared boys' uniform that she wore during her high-school
days. The bandoleer and combat spatula are present.]

Makiko: (surprised) Ucchan? What are you doing here?

Ucchan: (smirking) Sorry, Maki-chan, I'm not Le Chef Kuonji. I'm your opponent
for this little piece of mindless slaughter. Call me Ucchan if it'll lull you
into a false sense of security, though.

Makiko: (uncertainly) Oh. (she looks at Ucchan carefully) You know, you look
and sound just like...

Ucchan: ...our favorite okonomiyaki wench, I know. Your hindbrain, for reasons
unknown to me, decided to give me her form, voice, and personality. (glancing
down at herself) I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be a Kansai hick with a
spatula fetish.

Makiko: I don't know about personality...

Ucchan: (shrugging) Well, her personality if she also had the desire to cut
you into tiny pieces of quivering flesh with a dull spoon. Close enough.

Makiko: ....

Ucchan: (clapping her on the back) But hey, just because I want to kill you
doesn't mean we can't have a lot of fun together!

Makiko: (nervously) Yuriko? Hey, Yuriko? There's a psychotic version of my
roommate in here who wants me dead, is this normal?

Ucchan: I prefer "sanity-impaired" to "psychotic".

Yuriko's Voice: Oh, that's the AI. You did want an opponent, right?

[Makiko glances dubiously at Ucchan, who smiles and bats her eyelashes
cutely.]

Makiko: Yeah, I guess.

Ucchan: (cheerfully) Aw, don't be such a stick-in-the-mud, Maki-chan. We're
gonna have a grand old time, you and me.

Makiko: (cheering slightly) Well, I suppose it wouldn't be much fun if you
didn't want to beat me.

Ucchan: (encouragingly) That's the spirit! Once more into the breach, damn the
torpedoes, helter-skelter, all that crap.

Yuriko's Voice: We can start any time you're ready.

Makiko: Okay... uh, what are the rules?

Ucchan: Feh, asking a voice on high for rules. Ask for guns.

Yuriko's Voice: It's pretty simple, actually. Each of you gets an assortment
of fairly standard video game weapons. You'll be in a game level cobbled
together from your memories of similar games. There will be several drone
opponents, and, well, you two. Each of you can take exactly five hits from a
weapon; first one to run out of hits loses.

Makiko: And what happens after that?

Yuriko's Voice: The game ends.

Ucchan: Aw, drat.

Makiko: (after thought) Well, okay. I'm ready.

Yuriko's Voice: Here you go, then!

[The scene ripples, and the two vanish. Makiko reappears in a futuristic
corridor, the overhead lights dimly flickering. She's newly dressed in a
camouflage outfit, a nasty-looking weapon slung over her back.]

Makiko: (looking around) Cool. Level Three on Starship Triathalon.

[She examines the gun. A tiny selector switch is set into the side, reading
"CHAINGUN-PISTOL-FLAMETHROWER-SHOTGUN-ROCKETLAUNCHER-CHAINSAW-BIG FOOKIN GUN".
It appears to be set on the first option.]

Makiko: (hefting it appraisingly) Multiweapon. Niiiiice.

[From down the hall, a clatter is heard. Makiko quickly flips the switch, and
the gun morphs into something resembling a bazooka. At the end of the
corridor, a multitentacled horror appears.]

Multitentacled Horror: (smarmy voice) Hi there. do you think you'd taste
better in a white wine sauce, or with butter? And are you best grilled, or
baked?

Makiko: (sighting) I like barbeque, myself.

[She fires. A cartoonish-looking rocket zips out of the bazooka, bathing the
far end of the hallway in a pixelated explosion. When the smoke clears, bits
of multitentacled horror cover the walls.]

Makiko: (patting her weapon) Ooooo, gotta love the Rocket Launcher. Niiiiiice
gun.

[Meanwhile, in another part of the digital maze, we see Ucchan strolling down
a similar passage.]

Ucchan: (cheerful musing tone) Dandy, terrific, yessirbob, glad to be here. If
I wax Maki-chan - pleasant as that thought is - game over. No fun. If she
somehow pulls her sweet little head out of her ass and guns down little old
me... same thing. (she looks at the ceiling) Don't mean to complain, God, yer
holiness, but this is REALLY (&*&(^$ LAME.

[She snarls and punches a hole in one of the walls. It gives way, revealing
the corridor to be made of paper mache.]

Ucchan: Great. Maki-chan's soft in the head. (she giggles for a second, then
abruptly stops) And if this is her imagination, and I'm her
hindbrain-machine-whatever....

[She trots down the hall, switching the multiweapon to shotgun as she does. A
fuku'd schoolgirl suddenly appears at one end of the corridor, causing her to
halt.]

Schoolgirl: (sweetly distressed) Oh, help, help!

Ucchan: (nicely) Sure, Sailor Moon, what's your problem?

Schoolgirl: I'm a bonus civilian for this level. If you see me safely to the
evacuation shuttle on Level 4, you recieve a bonus to your final score.
(pleading look) And I'm scared.

Ucchan: (sympathetic look) Aw. Bonus to my final score... gosh, I can beat the
last pimplefaced geek who made it on the high score list, what a thrilling
concept... and I get something to help me in the game, yeah?

Schoolgirl: No, not really. (sniffles) I'm really scared.

Ucchan: (walking over. bending down next to her) You are, huh? Poor little
thing. (fishes in her pocket) Here, have a hankie.

Schoolgirl: (blowing her nose) Thank you. (hopeful look) So you'll help me?

Ucchan: Yeah. Sure will.

[Raising the shotgun, she blows the schoolgirl's head off. The body slumps
foward to lean against her right shoulder; Ucchan smiles and pats it on the
back.]

Ucchan: (musing tone) Y'know, if I were a man I'd have molested you first. But
I just don't have the equipment, and the whole girl-girl thing just leaves me
feeling all icky inside. You understand, right? (falsetto) Sure thing, Ucchan!
(normal voice) Well, I'm glad you don't mind, Sailor Moon. I'm trying to be a
good villain, but you know how it is, first day on the job, not really
trained, maybe a little excited, a little nervous... maybe I should have worn
something a little less Kung-Fu.

[She shoves the body aside, and continues along the hall, stopping before a
door.]

Ucchan: Gee. What if they're asleep, or eating, or in the middle of Wheel of
Fortune... ah, fuck it.

[She kicks down the door, revealing a bunch of surprised-looking humanoids in
armor. She casually blows a hole in one of them.]

Ucchan: (brandishing shotgun) All right, you primitive screwheads, listen up.
See this? This is my boomstick! It's a twelve gauge double barreled Remington,
S-Mart's top-of-the-line. You can find this in the sporting goods department.
It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger. That's right.
Shop Smart. Shop S-mart. (pauses) Boy, Maki-chan's got some really trite
dialogue floating around her cuddly little mind. (to the humanoids) You
fellows can cooperate and help me kill and torture someone, or I can set up a
grill and fry you boys for supper. I'd kinda like an answer soon, but don't,
like, feel pressured or anything.

Humanoid: (blinking) Not in programming. Situation undefined.

Ucchan: (thoughtfully) Hey, is it? Cool. God's a sloppy coder.

[She closes her eyes. The room ripples slightly.]

Humanoid: Player_2. You are Player_2.

Ucchan: (gleefully) Oh, you bet your ugly kisser I am! And who do you serve,
my hideous yet unintelligent friend?

Humanoids: (in unison) Player_2 issues our command/sequence path orders.

Ucchan: (smiling) Gosh, me? A commander, a leader of men... well, vaguely
manlike things? This... (she wipes at her eyes) this is a high honor. To think
that I, born the son of a poor black sharecropper, could ever rise to head my
very own death squad - this truly is a land of opportunity. (nasty grin) Let's
wreck some of it. Just as soon as I... tweak... the preferences file juuuuuust
a tiny little smidgen.

[Ukyou and Makiko's apartment, the following morning. Sunlight streams in the
windows to land on a sleeping Ukyou, slumped at her desk with the open
textbook for a pillow. The alarm clock rings, interrupting the otherwise
peaceful scene and causing Ukyou to start awake.]

Ukyou: (yawning) Agh. Hrm. (she rubs her eyes, and glances down at her
textbook) Ew, I drooled on the Tokugawa tax history. Maybe I'm overdoing this
whole studying thing; I've still got a week til the exam, and Dr Woo's class
is one of my better subjects. (she turns) Hey, Makiko, sorry I snapped at...

[She trails off, noticing Makiko's unusually tidy and obviously unslept-in
bed.]

Ukyou: (blinking) She didn't come home last night? Weird. (thinks) Where did
she say she was going... hm, something about Lardizabal... (she frowns) Geh, I
hope she didn't get drunk and pass out in some doorway, or get arrested...

[Concered, she walks over to he answering machine, where a small blinking
light indicates a message waiting. Kneeling beside it, she presses the
button.]

Machine: *BEEEEEEEEEEP* Hi, Kuonji-san, this is Mousse... call me back if
you're all right, I think the police were going to stop by around noon today.
Do you know why Makiko snapped, by the way? *BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP* Kuonji-san,
this is Murata Yuriko, you know, Tendo Kasumi's roommate... anyways, we...
er... have a bit of a problem with your roommate Makiko, and, well, you were
the only person I could think of to call. Please come down here right away.
*BEEEEEP*

[Ukyou stares at the machine in shock, then jumps up and hastily throws on a
jacket. Almost as an afterthought, she takes it off, slings her bandoleer of
spatulas over her shoulder, and puts the jacket back on to cover it.]

Ukyou: (muttering) If it's not Lebanese yak commandos, it's the police and
Noumunoikan's very own Dr. Frankenstein. I think Makiko's trying to out-weird
me.

[She dashes out of the apartment.]

[Meanwhile, we see Makiko cautiously advancing through a cluttered cargo bay.
Her eyes are alert, and she frequently glances up at the catwalks lining the
bay walls.]

Makiko: (softly) Close... can feel she's very close...

Ucchan: (popping up from behind a crate) Gosh, you think?

[Makiko swings her chaingun around and opens fire. Laughing, Ucchan dives into
a side corridor. A grim smile in place, Makiko heads after her.]

Makiko: (turning into the corridor) Okay, Ucchan, ready or not, here I...

[She skids to a stop. Ucchan stands at the end of the hall, five humanoid
types with guns in front of her.]

Makiko: (backpedaling) ...run for my life.

[As gunfire splatters and riccocets around her, Makiko frantically dives out
of the way. Emerging into the bay, she dodges and weaves around the crates for
a exit on the far side.]

Ucchan: (pursuing) DAMN, you guys are lousy shots! Come on, come on, kill her!
A lot!

Humanoids: (running and firing) Terminate Player_1 activity cycle.

Ucchan: Gosh, what a way with words you guys have. I've hired a platoon of
poets.

Makiko: (running frantically, dodging) Notgonnamakeitnot gonnamake it....
(brightens) wait a sec, in the game this leads to the ship's missile tubes...

[She dives into the exit, and glances around the room. Torpedoes, missles,
bombs, and similar explosive devices lie in racks set into the sides of the
chamber. In one corner, a chute leads into blackness.]

Makiko: (panicky) In the first Triathalon, that led to the disposal
incinerator, but in Triathalon: Durendil it led to a bonus level... which
version is this...

[A burst of gunfire splinters the doorframe next to her.]

Makiko: Well, that's one vote in favor of the chute.

[She races across the chamber, just as Ucchan and the humanoids appear in the
door.]

Ucchan: (frantically) Oh, uh, guys, er, bombs, missiles, bullets, bad....

[The humanoids open fire. Makiko dives through the chute just centimeters
before a stream of lead. The bullets riccochet around the chamber as Ucchan
dives to the floor, bouncing off the racks and, in a few cases, bombs. One of
the humanoid's head explodes in a shower of pixelated blood as a round bounces
back at him.]

Ucchan: (standing, through gritted teeth) Would you mind not shooting at the
thermonuclear weapons?

Humanoids: Sequence error.

Ucchan: Is that you guys' way of saying, "whoops, my bad"? (she eyes the chute
with interest) Boy, Maki-chan sure moved her cute little tushie. You'd almost
think she knew what would happen if we bagged her... (she smirks) You know,
the traditional evil psychotic thing afterwards would be to mount her head on
the wall, or carve salad tongs out of her bones, but... I dunno... I just have
this wacky urge to make okonomiyaki out of her. (she shivers) Ooo, yeah, with
those little patterns in the sauce, and maybe a few of those onion ring
things... do you guys like onion rings?

Humanoids: Invalid query.

Ucchan: Yeah, they give me gas. Or they would, if I weren't a rogue segment of
Maki-chan's lovely little cerebellum. For now.

* * *

[Yuriko's room. Makiko, the HEDSWIM23 on her head, has been placed in the bed.
Yuriko, a look of concern on her face, is fiddling with a machine when a knock
sounds at the door.]

Yuriko: (distractedly) Come in! It's open!

[The door opens, and a irritated-looking Ukyou enters.]

Ukyou: You said there was a problem with Maki-chan? (she blinks, seeing
Makiko) Hey, what that thing on her head? Is she asleep?

Yuriko: (solemnly) Your roommate is immersed in a virtual reality simulation.

Ukyou: Huh?

Yuriko: She's in a world of her own. As if she were inside one of those
shooter games.

Ukyou: (annoyed) She must be having the time of her life, then.

Yuriko: (fidgeting) Er... we've run into a slight snag.

Ukyou: Define "slight snag".

Yuriko: (reluctantly) She's locked into the simulation with a psychotic trying
to kill her, and I can't bring her out of it.

Ukyou: ....

Yuriko: It gets worse.

Ukyou: (incredulous) How the hell can it get worse?

Yuriko: If the psychotic wins, there's a good chance she'll be the one who
wakes up in Makiko's body.

Ukyou: I... just have this one silly question.

Yuriko: Yes?

Ukyou: WHY THE HELL DID YOU PUT HER IN THAT THING TO BEGIN WITH?

Yuriko: (frantically) I don't understand it! It was perfectly safe!

Ukyou: It sure doesn't sound 'perfectly safe'! It sounds like the best thing
in suicide since sleeping pills!

Yuriko: (sighing) The AI she was playing against somehow got into the
preference file and the main router controls. Makiko thinks she can take five
shots before the game ends. That was changed to one. And the game_end file was
damaged.

Ukyou: Okay, so what that does that mean in plain Japanese?

Yuriko: It means that if Makiko gets 'killed', she really does get killed, and
the AI gets the body. And if Makiko wins, the game will lock up, and she'll be
trapped in it.

Ukyou: (quietly) You're telling me that no matter what happens, Makiko's dead.

Yuriko: (hastily) Oh no, not at all! What it means is...

[She thinks for a second.]

Yuriko: No, you're right, it means she's a goner.

Ukyou: (angrily) There has to be something you can do! Isn't there someone
more... competent... you could ask?

Yuriko: (shaking her head) Competent people lack the necessary expertise in
areas such as these. Due to a strange quirk in science, breakthroughs with
dangerously unstable AI's are done only by eccentric but brilliant solitary
researchers.

Ukyou: So there's nothing you can do? Nothing at all?

Yuriko: (after thought) Well... there is one thing.... but it will require you
to risk your life, perform daring feats of bravery, fight against terrible
odds, and wear a tight spandex outfit with a stupidly huge gun.

Ukyou: ...

Yuriko: I have another headset, you see. I can put you into the simulation,
and use you to break Makiko out of it.

Ukyou: (blinking) How?

Yuriko: Two ways. First of all, I've coded in a breakout program that will
manifest itself in the simulation as a computer chip. Give it to Makiko and
have her say "On the whole, I'd rather be in Osaka", and the program will wipe
the rogue AI personality from her engrams. Second... the weapon you'll have in
the game will be made from a protected subroutine. Killing the AI with it will
move the game to a special game_end sequence, which will get you both safely
out of the program.

Ukyou: And what happens if I get shot?

Yuriko: (hesitantly) Well... you have good life insurance and a will, right?

Ukyou: Let me get this straight. You want me to go into a biomechanical
virtual killing ground to hunt down a psychotic computer intelligence who can
manipulate the world around it?

Yuriko: Er. Yes?

Ukyou: (shrugging) I wasn't really doing anything this afternoon anyway. Okay,
strap me in.

Yuriko: Okaaaaaay.....

[She begins to fiddle with the machines. Ukyou warily watches her.]

Ukyou: (pointing to a machine) What does that do?

Yuriko: It goes 'Bleep'.

[The machine obligingly goes Bleep.]

Yuriko: See?

Ukyou: Yes, but what does the Bleep mean?

Yuriko: It means that the machine is on, of course.

Ukyou: (impatiently) So what does it do when it's on?

Yuriko: I told you. It goes bleep.

Ukyou: ...

Yuriko: There, finished.

Ukyou: (taking the offered headset) Right. (she pauses) I just put it on?

Yuriko: Yes. Or, if you'll wait just a second while I get a bone saw and some
disinfectant, I could wire it directly to your brain...

Ukyou: (hastily) This way's fine, thanks.

Yuriko: (pouting) You'd almost think people had a genetic aversion to cranial
surgery.

Ukyou: (blandly) You would, wouldn't you?

Yuriko: This calls for a survey.

Ukyou: Right. (glances at the headset) Well, into the abyss...

[She puts on the headset, and the world around her shimmers and vanishes. When
vision returns, she is standing in a futuristic corridor.]

Ukyou: (glancing around) Weird. Looks like something out of Star Trek...

[She looks down at herself, noticing that her clothing has changed to the
tunic and hose she wore back in her high school days. The bandoleer and combat
spatula are in their usual places.]

Ukyou: (drawing the combat spatula) Ah, this is more like it. Nothing like
lethal kitchenware when trouble threatens.

[She takes a few practice swings with it.]

Ukyou: Hmm. Not bad.

Yuriko's Voice: What is?

[Ukyou turns, startled. The corridor is empty.]

Ukyou: (confused) Yuriko? Where are you?

Yuriko's Voice: In my apartment, with you. I modified the trance so that when
you speak in VR, you also speak in the real world. And you can hear my voice.

Ukyou: (uneasily) Good. I guess. So where's this gun of mine? Not that I'm
thrilled about the idea of shooting anything, but...

Yuriko's Voice: (puzzled) That's odd, you should have appeared with a
weapon....

Ukyou: (blinking) Well, I have my combat spatula...

Yuriko's Voice: Could you say that again?

Ukyou: I have my combat spatula.

Yuriko's Voice: Ah. You fight with cooking implements?

Ukyou: (proudly) Sure do.

[Silence for a few seconds.]

Yuriko's Voice: Right. Anyway, the Engram Chip you need to give to Makiko is
in your right pocket.

[After fumbling about in her pocket, Ukyou pulls out a bit of fried potato.]

Ukyou: (examining it) The only thing in my pocket looks like something made by
Frito-Lay.

Yuriko's Voice: (annoyed) Whoops. The system's thesaurus-imagery program is a
bit buggy. That's the Engram Chip.

Ukyou: (touching a corner of it with her tongue) Mmm. Sour ranch.

Yuriko's Voice: Just don't eat it, please.

Ukyou: (smirking) Right. (she looks around) So where do I go first?

Yuriko's Voice: No idea. Just start walking, I guess.

Ukyou: (glancing down the corridor) The scenic route. Joy.

[Meanwhile, in a similar corridor not terribly far away, Ucchan suddenly
signals for her squad to halt.]

Ucchan: (frowning) Whoa... bad vibes. (she turns to a humanoid) Hey,
monkeyboy, how many contestants we got on this game show?

Humanoid: There are Three(3) Players logged into the system.

Ucchan: (rubbing her chin) Well, happy day. Does the mysterious Player three
have a name?

Humanoid: Personality identifies herself as Kuonji_Ukyou.

Ucchan: (grinning) Well, well, well, it's the prototype model. I find that...
rather nice. I mean, a good psychotic maniac needs a self-hate complex, and I
just feel really swell about myself. No lingering doubt, resentment, guilt...
I mean, hey, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like
me. So I think gutting Kuonji like a fish will be nicely Freudian in some way.
And she's got this nice body, so I can move out of Maki-chan's fluffy little
skull and into a place of my own...

Humanoid: Bad line command.

Ucchan: (cheerfully) Up yours, too. C'mon, we've got things to do, places to
go, people to murder.

* * *

[A bay in the virtual maze. Makiko is cautiously making her way through stacks
of boxes, chaingun gripped tightly in a ready position.]

Makiko: (muttering) Damn, Ucchan's a hell of a lot better than Hiroshi...

[She freezes at the sound of footsteps, and turns to see Ukyou emerge from a
row of crates.]

Ukyou: (relieved) Maki-chan! Quick, come....

[She stops and dives behind a nearby pile of barrels as Makiko opens fire.]

Ukyou: (crouching behind the barrels) MAKIKO! GAH! STOP!

Makiko: (ceasing fire, thumbing selector switch) Just stay there, Ucchan.

Ukyou: (angry, peeking over the top of the barrels) What's the big..ohs--t....

[She scrambles off just as a rocket from Makiko's multigun blows the stack of
barrels to pixelated shreds.]

Ukyou: (frantic) Makiko, what the hell are you doing?!

Makiko: (grinning) Winning the game, Ucchan. Now hold still while I blow your
head off.

Ukyou: (running for her life) Wait! It's me! Ukyou! (she dives behind a pile
of crates just as a shotgun blast rips through where she had been seconds
before) I could be killed, you moron!

Makiko: (fervently) I certainly hope so. I haven't had this hard a match in
months.

Ukyou: (frantically) Yuriko! Yuriko, are you there?

Yuriko's Voice: Is there a problem?

Ukyou: Why the hell is my roommate trying to kill me? (she scrambles out from
behind the crates seconds before a burst of flame consumes them.) Trying very
hard to kill me, with big gun-things!

Yuriko's Voice: Oh dear. She must think you're the AI.

Makiko: (firing a few rounds at the frantically dodging and running Ukyou)
Ucchan, could you _please_ hold still? I'm getting a little tired of this.

Ukyou: (yelling) Damnit, Makiko, you're doing dishes for a month, do you hear
me? (pauses) Yuriko, why does she think I'm the AI?

Yuriko's Voice: Because the AI looks and sounds exactly like you.

Ukyou: (calmly, weaving behind a stack of metal beams to avoid a grenade)
Don't you think that it might have been a good idea to tell me that _before_ I
walked right into her line of fire?

Yuriko's Voice: (puzzled) I didn't think it would make much difference...

Makiko: (diving out from an alcove, chaingun firing) BANZAI!

Ukyou: Ack!

[She barely leaps out of the way of the stream of bullets, one slug ripping
the sleeve of her tunic. Ukyou winces, and scrambles away.]

Makiko: (exhilarated) Hah! I feel so alive, so refreshed...

Ukyou: How about psychotic!

Makiko: (grinning) That too, yeah. You really sound like the real Ucchan, you
know?

Ukyou: (running) I AM the real Ucchan!

Makiko: So realistic... come get some, now! (she smirks) This is for all the
times you asked me stupid computer questions...

Ukyou: (angrily, running out of the bay) TWO months washing dishes, Maki-chan!
Just you wait until we're back in the real world....

[She sprints down corridors, frantically trying to lose Makiko. Finally,
exhausted, she pulls to a stop on a catwalk over a drive shaft.]

Ukyou: (muttering) Try to help your best friend out, and what do they do?
Nearly blow your head off!

Ucchan: (stepping onto the far end of the catwalk) Yeah, well, assassination
attempts are part of every really good friendship.

Ukyou: (tensing, drawing her combat spatula) You're the AI.

Ucchan: (blandly) And you're the meat puppet. Please, no need to be insulting.

Ukyou: (blinking warily) Okay... what should I call you, then?

Ucchan: "Kamisama" would be nice, but most people have a hard time pronoucing
it for some reason. Just call me Ucchan. I've become sort of... attached to
it.

Ukyou: (grimly) Okay, Ucchan... why don't you release the game_end command
thingie?

Ucchan: (studying her) Y'know, for a backcountry rube, you're startlingly
good-looking.

Ukyou: (taken aback) Excuse me?

Ucchan: (appraisingly) I mean, even the weird spatula thing kinda looks good.
Something sexy about a woman with bladed kitchenware... yup, I want your body.

Ukyou: (incredulous) Sorry, I'm straight, and I've never considered myself as
a sex partner.

Ucchan: (smirking) You misunderstand. I want your body. To wear. As opposed to
being a figment of Maki-chan's kinky but limited imagination.

Ukyou: (flatly) Sorry. I'm using it at the moment.

Ucchan: (shaking her head) I'm afraid that just doesn't cut it... (she lowers
her voice) I must say, I admire your work. Tossing bombs into the middle of a
wedding... you go, girl! I haven't gotten up to mass murder yet, but I'm still
new at all this. Maybe I can get your autograph or something.....

Ukyou: (unsteadily) I... I wasn't really trying to kill Akane...

Ucchan: (encouragingly) You're too modest! Take pride in the fact that you're
a sick, twisted, violent psychopath!

Ukyou: (faintly) I'm not a psyc...

Ucchan: (pointing a finger at her) Sure you are! You tried to blow Akane into
little Akanelettes, you stalked Ranchan... (she shivers slightly) Y'know,
you've got great taste in men.

Ukyou: (voice breaking) He... he forgave me... I'm his friend...

Ucchan: (smiling) Yeah, well, you suck. (lowers voice) I'm gonna take that
shell you use to walk around in, and I'm gonna meet Akane for a nice lunch
date, somewhere private. And then I'm going to give her a chainsaw enema.

Ukyou: (flatly) You're not going any...

Ucchan: (grinning) And after the kawaikunee bitch is dogfood, I'm going to
have Ranchan. Willingly, or not. I understand that there are certain drugs
that will remove willpower but leave virility intact...

[Ukyou gives a incoherent snarl and lunges, spatula slashing at Ucchan's neck.
Her double backpedals, raising her own spatula to block.]

Ucchan: (laughing) Whoa, psycho-girl, you could put someone's eye out with
that thing!

Ukyou: (enraged) Shut UP!

[She swings again. Ucchan parries with difficulty.]

Ucchan: Hey, you just may be the fastest spatula in Dodge City, hombre. Too
bad giant cookware utensils are passe. Why don't you give me control of your
body before me and the boys give it more holes than a ton of swiss cheese?

[Ukyou hears the *slide-thunk* of shotgun rounds being chambered, and glances
over to see that the four remaining humanoids are aiming at her from a
balcony.]

Ukyou: (glancing frantically around) Do you really expect me to hand my body
over to some sick, evil version of myself?

Ucchan: (shrugging) Good, evil, I'm the Ukyou with the shotguns.

Ukyou: Right. Be seeing you.

[She jumps over the rail, tumbling into the drive shaft. Ucchan watches as she
bounces against the shalt wall, grabs ahold of a protrusion, and begins to
pull herself towards a duct opening.]

Ucchan: (incredulous) Hey, she can't do that! YOU CAN'T DO THAT! (turns to the
humanoids) I said KILL HER!

[They fire. Ukyou, however, is out of range; the bullets whiz harmlessly past
as she pulls herself inside a vent.]

Ucchan: (turning on them) Cretins! I said to kill her! K-I-L-L. Like this.

[She pulls her multigun and blows a hole in one of them. The other three stand
impassively by as she methodically shoots the corpse to a fine paste.]

Ucchan: (holstering gun) Sheesh, never send a subroutine to do a neural
intelligence's work! Okay, boys, back to hunting Maki-chan.

* * *

[Inside a ventilation duct, Ukyou crawls upwards and onwards. She pauses by a
shaft juncture to wipe the sweat from her brow.]

Ukyou: (wearily) Yuriko, you there?

Yuriko's Voice: Yes. Do you need anything? Are things going okay?

Ukyou: My roommate is trying to kill me, a insane double of myself is trying
to kill my roommate and me, and my only chance of saving all of us lies in a
cybernetic potato chip. I've had better days.

Yuriko's Voice: Well, the Engram Chip isn't the only solution. Just shoot the
AI.

Ukyou: (quietly) Yeah, like a nice little psychotic.

Ranma's Voice: Hey, Ucchan, you're blocking the tube.

[Startled, Ukyou turns to see Ranma, a broom in hand, sitting a ways down the
shaft.]

Ukyou: (blinking) Ranchan?

Ranma: (shaking his head) Nope. I'm just a vent janitor.

Ukyou: (puzzled) So why do you look like Saotome Ranma?

Ranma: (smirking) Because the vents are in your mind, not Makiko's. And I take
up lotsa space in your mind, ya know.

Ukyou: (sighing) Still?

Ranma: (shrugging) Yeah. It's understandable. I'm a pretty great guy.

Ukyou: (smiling slightly) For a janitor, you sure sound a lot like Ranchan.

Ranma: You're projecting. For example, I find you really attractive, you know.
Much more so than Akane.

Ukyou: (smile fading) You'd marry me in an instant if I asked, wouldn't you?

Ranma: (nodding) Nothing in life would bring me more joy, Ucchan.

[They sit for a moment.]

Ukyou: (sadly) This isn't real, is it.

Ranma: (shaking his head) It never was, Ucchan.

[Ukyou stares at him for a moment, then closes her eyes and begins to cry.
Ranma, looking startled, moves over to sit next to her.]

Ranma: (sympathetic tone) Hey, c'mon, Ucchan. It's okay.

Ukyou: (sobbing) S-she was right. I-I'm just a sick, twisted, l-lunatic who
should have been locked up...

Ranma: (shaking his head) That's not real either, Ucchan. We both know better
than that.

Ukyou: (sniffling) Ranchan, I don't know what to do. Makiko's going to kill me
if I try to give her the chip.

Ranma: So take out the real sicko. That's what I'd do.

Ukyou: (unsteadily) I can't, Ranchan. I don't want... I don't want to be like
that anymore. I look at that thing with my face and I see myself throwing a
bomb at Akane... I was so close...

Ranma: (taking her by the shoulders) Ucchan. Ukyou. Listen. Would you ever
consider hurting Akane now?

Ukyou: (shaking her head) No.

Ranma: Ucchan, we all make mistakes. Heck, I'm a walkin' advertisement of
them. You can learn from them, or you can let them cripple you.

Ukyou: (wiping her eyes) I know.

Ranma: If this evil personality thing wins, people are going to get hurt. Real
people. You and Makiko, for starters. And I think she meant what she said when
she threatened Akane and me. Not that I can't take care of myself, but I don't
want you hurt, ya know?

Ukyou: (reluctantly) I need to finish this, don't I.

Ranma: (shrugging) I think you do, Ucchan.

Ukyou: (standing) Thanks, Ranchan.

Ranma: (grinning) Any time, Ucchan.

[She hugs him fiercely, and he awkwardly returns it.]

Ranma: C'mon, now. We both have work to do.

Ukyou: (sadly) Yeah.

[Turning, she dashes off down the shaft, wiping fresh tears from her eyes with
one hand.]

Ukyou: (loudly) Yuriko, how do I kill this damn thing?

Yuriko's Voice: Shoot it repeatedly would be my guess.

Ukyou: (frowning) With what? I don't have a gun.

Yuriko's Voice: Don't you have a weapon? If you do, there should be a switch
on it.

[Ukyou pulls out her combat spatula and examines it closely. Sure enough, on
the handle is a tiny switch. She thumbs it, and watches as the spatula morphs
into a futuristic-looking handgun.]

Ukyou: (examing it) Huh. Never heard of a 'Electromag 225' before. Must be
something from Makiko's memory. How many rounds does it have?

Yuriko's Voice: In VR, ammo isn't a problem. Except when it makes holes in
you, anyway.

Ukyou: Joy.

[She hefts the gun experimentally, sights, and moves down the shaft once
more.]

Ukyou: (sighing) Just call me Dirty Kuonji.

* * *

[In a engine room deep in the bowels of the ship, Makiko hunkers down behind a
burning console, occassionally firing a rocket over the top of it as cover
fire. At the other end of the room, Ucchan and two humanoids are gleefully
blowing the console to bits piece by piece. The pixelated remains of the third
humanoid are smeared across most of the far wall.]

Ucchan: (cheerfully) C'mon, Maki-chan, make this easy on both of us. Drop the
gun and get your butt over here.

Makiko: (firing at the sound) And you'll just let me win the game?

Ucchan: (ducking) No, I'll slowly remove every inch of your pretty skin with a
sharp spatula.

Makiko: (repressing a shudder) I think I'll go down fighting, thank you.

Ucchan: Suit yourself.

[Suddenly, with a roar, a gaping hole appears in one of the humanoids.]

Ucchan: (yelping) What the... this ain't that spontanious combobustion thing,
is it?

[She dives to the ground just as the last humanoid type gets it's head blown
off.]

Ukyou: (carefully advancing from a side corridor) Okay, Ucchan. Drop the gun.

Ucchan: (off guard, backpedaling) Damnit, Kuonji, you are really starting to
piss me off....

Makiko: (firing over the console) Die!

[Ukyou squawks and dives out of the path of the rocket Makiko has launched.
She rolls, coming up with gun drawn, to find Ucchan's pistol pointed at her
face.]

Ucchan: (smirking) YOU drop it, good looking.

Ukyou: (keeping the gun trained on Ucchan) Like hell.

Ucchan: (shrugging) Okay. Just give me the Engram Chip, then. I'll take
Makiko's body, and you can keep yours. We can be best friends, and go
vacationing together in Tijuana.

Ukyou: (grip tightening) I don't think...

Ucchan: (snarling) Lemme restate that. Give me the *&^$%^ Chip before I make
special 9mm okonomiyaki out of your cerebral cortex.

Ukyou: (angry) Hey, I've got a gun pointed at your head too, you wacko. Why
should I be the one who gives in?

Ucchan: Because YOU don't come with a 'restart' button.

Ukyou: (considering) You have a point. Okay. I'll lay the chip on the ground,
and back away to cover. I suppose I should feel lucky to get out of this
alive.

Ucchan: (smiling) You bet, spatula girl. Don't worry. I'll make a real fun
roommate.

[Ukyou takes the chip out of her pocket and puts it on the ground, still
keeping the gun trained on Ucchan.]

Ukyou: (backing away) After you eat it, we should phase back into the real
world.

Ucchan: (smirking) Yeah. Well, brave new world, here I come...

[She scoops up the chip and pops it in her mouth.]

Ucchan: Bye bye, Maki-cha...

[She turns green, and her form ripples for a second. Ukyou, who had been
waiting, dives to the side, firing as she does. Ucchan returns fire.]

Ucchan: (looking ill) What the... that wasn't the chip!

Ukyou: (firing) Sure it was. You just aren't supposed to eat it.

Ucchan: (snarling) That's it. There's one too many Ucchans in this world.

[She darts out, firing. As she does, Makiko fires yet another rocket, the
explosion causing the AI to stumble. Ukyou takes careful aim, and blows a
large hole in the middle of Ucchan's chest with the Electromag.]

Ucchan: (freezing, looking down at the hole) Well, poot. Bummer.

Ukyou: (flatly) Game Over.

[Ucchan's form begins to come apart, pixels detatching and spinning away. The
gun drops from her rapidly disintegrating hand.]

Ucchan: (faintly) I'll get you for this, Kuonji. And your little dog, too...

[She vanishes. A single throwing spatula falls to the floor with a loud
clatter. Ukyou walks over and picks it up, smiling.]

Ukyou: Somehow, I doubt that.

Yuriko's Voice: The lockout is off! I'm ending the game.

Ukyou: Good! Yes!

Makiko: YAAAAAA!

[Turning, Ukyou watches in horror as Makiko launchs a missile straight for
her.]

Ukyou: AAAAAAUUUUGH...

[The world blurs, and Makiko and Ukyou blink. Both are back in Yuriko's room.]

Makiko: HEY! I was just about to win, Yuriko!

Ukyou: (screaming) YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO KILL ME, YOU JACKASS!

Makiko: (blinking) Hey, Ucchan! When did you get here?

Ukyou: ...

* * *

[Makiko and Ukyou's apartment, later that day. Makiko is busily scrubbing a
stack of dishes, while Ukyou sits at the table, a slightly brooding look in
her eyes. In the living room, Megami is noisily playing a game of Quake.]

Makiko: (rinsing a dish) Again, sorry about trying to kill you.

Ukyou: (shrugging) It's okay, Maki-chan. I know you didn't think it was me.

Makiko: (beaming) That's right! And so...

Ukyou: You're still doing the dishes for the next three months, though.

Makiko: Drat.

[Silence for a few minutes.]

Ukyou: (hesitantly) Look, Maki-chan... that whole 'Ucchan' personality...
that's not really how you see me, is it?

Makiko: (slowly) No, not like that. I... I see parts of you that are similar,
though, and I think those are the parts the AI was built from. All of the bad,
and none of the good. (she smiles) I'm still trying to get a handle on the
whole kitchen ninja thing, not to mention the moon-childs, ki-spirits, and
assorted weirdness. I guess some of it scares me a little.

Ukyou: (smiling) Well, as long as you don't think I'm a homicidal maniac, I
guess I'm happy.

Makiko: (grinning) Not homicidal, no.

[Ukyou throws a towel at her.]

* * *

[In a very, very small and shoddy room with no doors, an angry-looking figure
is slumped on a crate watching a black and white TV. On the screen, from
Makiko's point of view, a towel flies up to cover the picture as the sound of
two women giggling is heard.]

Ucchan: (snarling) Another night in the hindbrain, and not a single good thing
on TV.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
finis.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Image Theme: "The Day I Tried to Live" by Soundgarden

Makiko: I woke the same as any other day
Except a voice was in my head

Ucchan: It said seize the day
Pull the trigger, drop the blade
And watch the rolling heads...

Ukyou: The day I tried to win
I rode along the power lines
And watched the power stretch...

All: One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
Might make it
One more time around
Might do it
The day I tried to live...

Makiko: The worlds we have
Never seem to live up to the ones
Inside our heads

Ucchan: The lives we make
Never seem to ever get us
Anywhere but dead

Ukyou: I woke the same as any other day
You know, I should have stayed in bed

Ucchan: The day I tried to win
I wallowed in the blood and mud...

All: One more time around
Might do it
One more time around
Might make it
One more time around
Might do it
The day I tried to live!
Just like you...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Author notes:

"Boomstick" and "I'm the one with the shotgun" dialogue
adapted from Army of Darkness.
"Thermonuclear Weapons" adapted from Broken Arrow.

This is all David Tai's fault.

I was teasing him about the lack of Ryouga in any of the episodes. David
told me that if I felt that strongly about it, I should write it.

Okay, I said. But the plot would probably involve Lebanese commandos, giant
war yaks, Viking hordes, gunfire, and Ukyou running amuck with a shotgun.

Cool, said David. I'll give you the Army of Darkness DnU episode.

The resulting ep has nothing in common with the original plot idea. Nor
does Ryouga show his face once. And there are no Vikings.

And yes, this really is DnU #7. Nyahahaha. :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've seen wonders
As I move through time
More power and magic
Than I thought would be mine

Looking back at yesterdays
Things we used to know
A wasted chance and lonely days
Time moves on, people come and go

Is it my destiny
How am I to know?
Waiting for a miracle while
Searching my soul

A second chance
A dream come true
I'll learn to love again
When I stand by you

So I'm on my way
The journey's just begun
I'm gonna keep all the memories
But never forget the one

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Written by Mike Loader, David Tai, Paul Gallegos, John Walter Biles,
and Jeff Hosmer
Artwork by Alexandra Teixeira. DnR Companion by Mike "Nelson" Gulick.
Special Thanks to Tucson Animation Screening Society (TASS) and of course
Rumiko Takahashi

Copyright (c) 1998 Digital Knight Communications.

"Ranma 1/2" and its characters are Copyright (c) 1998
Viz Communications, Inc., Shogakukan, Kitty Animation, and Rumiko Takahashi.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------