[Ranma][Fanfic] Riders

[Scott Jamison]

Back to what I'm told I do best, silly.
The title is a bit down, for "artistic" reasons.

(The Tendou residence, early on a Sunday morning.)
(Ranma and Genma appear.)

Ranma: Y'know Pops, maybe training on Tokyo Tower isn't such a good
idea. We nearly got arrested last time. Not to mention you mistaking
that Hikaru chick for me.

Genma: So who knew there was more than one pig-tailed redhead in town?
And I have put plans in motion to distract the police.

(They run off. Akane and Nabiki emerge. Nabiki is wearing a
business suit.)

Nabiki: I appreciate your coming to the real estate seminar with me.
It's in a rough part of town and I can use the company.

Akane: Uh-huh. You want a free bodyguard.

(Before they are quite out of sight, the door bursts open. It's
Happosai, with Soun attached to one of his ankles.)

Soun: Please reconsider, Master! Not the Miss Tokyo Beauty Pageant!

Happosai: Sniveling wretch! Be grateful I have an extra ticket.
(softer) Better you than that spoilsport Ranma.

(He leaps off, Soun barely keeping up. Kasumi comes to the door.)

Kasumi: Byebye, Father. Have a nice day. Dumdedumdedoo...

(The scene switches to the backyard, by the pool. Suddenly, a
blue hole appears in the air. Four figures hurtle out of it, one
catching another just before it would have fallen into the water.)

RyougaR: Smooth move, R-Ball.

RanmaR: You're welcome.

(We now see that the figures are similar to others we've seen
before. One is Ranma, who appears identical to the one we just saw
leave. He's carrying what looks like a cellular phone. The second is
Akane, but she's wearing a black leather "Mrs. Peel" outfit with gadgets
hanging from the belt. The one that almost got wet is Ryouga, who seems
a trifle older. He has on a yellow tuxedo with black trimmings, and
wears a mustache. The last person is Dr. Tofu. He's gained 20 years, 30
pounds and a full beard. For some reason, he is garbed in a 15th Century
Chinese magistrate's robes.)

TofuR: How much time do we have, Mr. Saotome?

RanmaR: 46 hours, 23 minutes and 2 seconds from mark, Professor. Any
clue as to what kind of world this is?

AkaneR: This is my backyard! I recognize the pool and the house, and
over there's the rehearsal hall. We might finally be home!

RyougaR: I'll believe that when I see it. How we going to check?

AkaneR: Well, first let's check the rehearsal hall. It should be empty
this time of day.

(They open the doors and contemplate the martial arts training
equipment.)

AkaneR: A martial arts dojo! Well, since Dad is a ballet instructor,
we're definitely not home.

RanmaR: Maybe he switched while we were gone?

All: Naah.

(Kasumi appears across the way.)

Kasumi: Oh my! Ranma, you're back so soon?

(The visitors turn around.)

Kasumi: What an interesting outfit, Akane. And Ryouga's too, and Dr.
Tofu? What are you doing here?

TofuR: Homina-homina-homina. (Starts twisting RyougaR into funny shapes.)

RyougaR: Hey, watch the threads!

AkaneR: Excuse us, Miss, but you seem to know us, and who are you?

(We see the closest thing to shock on Kasumi's face since the
haircut incident.)

(Space, with a spiral of globes spinning off into the distance.)

RanmaR (v/o): Imagine infinite Earths, the same planet, the same year,
but different realities. Worlds where the Soviets invaded Japan; where
your dreams of being a superstar came true; where Nerima is a complete
and utter loony bin. (Clips from various episodes, including this one
:-) They exist, and I've found the gateway.

RIDERS
by Scott K. Jamison
(Ranma 1/2 stuff created by Rumiko Takahashi. Sliders stuff created by
Tracy Torme, unless you believe Gharlane of Eddore who claims it was all
ripped off from a much better unsold pilot. No infringement intended.)

(The Tendou living room, where Kasumi pours tea for her
unexpected guests.)

TofuR: I feel I must apologize for my earlier behavior, Miss...Kasumi,
was it? But you bear an amazing resemblance to my dear departed wife.

Kasumi: That's all right, Doctor Tofu. You act like that all the time.

(RyougaR stifles a laugh.)

TofuR: Professor Tofu actually. I teach astrophysics and ontology at Tokyo
University, or at least I did until young Mr. Saotome invented the Riding
device.

Kasumi: "Riding"?

RanmaR: It's a method of traveling to alternate Earths. We "ride" along
a sort of connector--

Kasumi: The Einstein-Tezuka-Takahashi bridge?

(RanmaR facefaults.)

TofuR: Very good, Kasumi. Like my wife, you have a keen mind behind
that beautiful face.

Kasumi: Thank you, d-Professor. I would have liked to have gone to
college, but I had to drop out and take care of my family when Mother
died. So I read a lot to keep up.

AkaneR: Mom's dead? And you say you're my sister? Back home, I only
had one sister. Do you have a Nabiki Tendou?

Kasumi: Yes, dear. She and my Akane are off at a real estate seminar
today. By the way, are you and Ranma engaged?

RanmaR & AkaneR (together): No!, I mean yes!, I mean--

RanmaR: You take it.

AkaneR: Well, Ranma did ask, and I was thinking about my answer, but
then we went Riding, and the timer got broken, and all sorts of things
happened, and we're hopelessly lost.

Kasumi: Oh my. You two are engaged here, but things haven't gone very
smoothly in this world either. I must admit I'm surprised to hear you
invented this, Ranma. My you is much more the physical type.

RanmaR: I guess I owe a lot of it to my father. He said I'd be the best
at something, and it turned out to be science. He was always pushing me
to study harder, innovate better, learn more. he died a couple of years
back, and the Riding device is at least partially my tribute to him. Is
my father still alive here?

Kasumi: Why...yes. He and your duplicate are out training today.

RyougaR: And my double?

Kasumi: He's around somewhere, I'm sure.

RyougaR: Maybe I can give him a few tips on getting into showbiz.

Kasumi: ?

RanmaR: Our version is Ryouga "Crying Man" Hibiki, rising karaoke star.

Kasumi: I don't recall Ryouga ever saying he was interested in singing,
but you never know.

RanmaR: Well, I feel like a little exploring. Kasumi, is any of this
currency right for this world? (Spreads out a handful of bills.)]

Kasumi: These, and these look right. (Holds one up.) Why is Mickey
Mouse on the 500 yen bill?

RanmaR: Long story. Okay, everyone be back in time to Ride, and that
means you, Crying Man.

RyougaR: Hey, R-Ball, have I ever missed a Ride?

AkaneR: Not for lack of getting lost. Or finding a pretty woman. See
you later, Kasumi...my sister.

TofuR: If it's all right with you, I'll just stay here and feast my eyes
on this young lady's beauty.

Kasumi: Flatterer!

(Fade to AkaneR walking through the swankier part of Nerima.)

AkaneR: Lose a mother, gain a sister. Though what I'd really like to
gain is my old job at the computer store back. Even if it means having
that putz Gosunkugi as my boss again. Just to sleep in my own bed again,
have my own life back--

Kunou (off): Akane Tendou! At last you have come to me!

(She turns around and sees Kunou, bokken in hand, rushing towards her.)

AkaneR: Ack! Dark Emperor Kunou! You'll never take me alive! (Draws a
flashlight from her belt, which sprouts an energy blade.)

Kunou: Akane, you honor me by doing battle with swords. Though I have
never thought of black as your color, this time I shall date with thee!

(They clash.)

AkaneR: "Date with thee"? That's a strange way to describe what you did
to those poor girls in your harem!

(She has advantage.)

Kunou: Harem? What harem? I love only you, my goddess, oh, and the
pig-tailed girl of course!

(He comes back.)

AkaneR: Oops! Judging by counterparts again! I've got to stop doing
that. Can we back off and start--

(Kunou strikes the light saber from AkaneR's hands and puts the
point of his bokken to her throat.)

Kunou: Oh frabjous day! Caloo! Calay! At last I will date with *gurk*
(as a ribbon wraps around his throat.)

(Kunou's lovable but slightly wonky sister bounds into the picture.)

Kodachi: No! The evil Akane must be slain so I can be with my beloved
Lord Ranma! HOOHOOHOO hoohoohoo HOOHOOHOO!

(The siblings begin to battle each other; AkaneR sneaks off.)

AkaneR: I think I liked her better as head of the Resistance.

(Fade to a different part of Nerima. RyougaR is looking confused.)

RyougaR: I could have sworn Tamura Productions would be down this road.
Let's see if I can find a karaoke bar instead then.

(He walks a bit further and reaches the Nekohanten. Shampoo is
sweeping the step.)

RyougaR: (sotto voce) Hey, hey, hey! It's that cute waitress I met on
the world of no clothing! Now she was a wildcat in bed. I'll bet the
same lines work on her. *chuckle*

(He walks up to the Chinese girl.)

RyougaR: Hi, sweetheart. You probably don't know me, but I'm the Crying
Man, and right now, I'm crying for some sweet loving from you.

Shampoo: Nihao, Ryouga. Why for you sweet talk Shampoo? Shampoo
thought Ryouga like Akane!

RyougaR: That's in the past, my purple-haired dumpling. She has eyes
for no one but R-Ball, and I'm a man who needs a flexible woman. (Starts
stroking her shoulder.) I know how to please you. (whispers in her ear.)

Shampoo: Aiyah! How Ryouga know that?! Shampoo never even tell
Great-Grandmother she like that!

(Mousse appears.)

Mousse: Ranma! Take your hands off my beloved Shampoo!

RyougaR: Uh oh, jealous boyfriend. But I don't look that much like Ranma.

Shampoo: Silly Mousse! This not Ranma!

Mousse: (Peers through glasses) Hmm, moustache. Good Lord! Mr.
Tendou!? How could you, sir? Robbing the cradle!

Shampoo: Is not Mr. Tendou! But...Ryouga no have mustache! Who imposter?

(She pulls out her bonbori, while Mousse's sleeves sprout sharp
objects.)

RyougaR: Time to become "Running Man" Hibiki! Feet don't fail me now!

Shampoo & Mousse: Wait!

(all exit stage left.)

(RanmaR comes into the picture from stage right, licking an ice
cream cone.)

RanmaR: I've been getting the strangest looks. My duplicate must be
very well-known here.

(Ryouga appears in his traveling garb, and spots RanmaR.)

Ryouga: Ranma! At last I have found you!

RanmaR: No need to be so melodramatic, Ryouga. It's only been a couple
of hours. Say, where's your moustache?

Ryouga: I will finally have my vengeance for all the misfortunes you
have visited upon me!

RanmaR: Chill out, Ryouga. You were the one who reset the timer, remember?

Ryouga: You can't trick me with your babbling! DIE, RANMA!

RanmaR: Whoa, stop! Ryoogah! Not the face!

(Ryouga whups RanmaR good.)

Ryouga: Defend yourself, Ranma! Have you suddenly lost your pride? I
thought the school of Anything Goes martial arts never gave up!

RanmaR: But...I don't know...any...martial arts.

(Ryouga looks stunned, while a crow flies past his head.)

Ryouga: Happosai must have done something to your mind again! I know
what will bring you back to your senses! (Rushes off.)

RanmaR: Who's Happosai? Now I get it, this is the other Ryouga. Kasumi
didn't mention he was a homicidal maniac. Better get out of here before
he comes back with a chainsaw or something.

(RanmaR crawls a few feet, but Ryouga reappears (yes, he's too
confused to get lost!) with a bucket. He throws water over his opponent,
then waits expectantly.)

RanmaR: *splutter* That was uncalled for.

Ryouga: You're still a man! How have you done this? Give me the cure!
(Hauls RanmaR up by his lapels.)

RanmaR: No hitting! Look, pal, I'm not the Ranma you think I am. You
see...

(eerily blue-lit scene)

Announcer (v/o): On an all-new Urusei Files, agents Oniseijin and
Moroboshi investigate a case with a most unexpected suspect--their own
teacher!

(Mr. Onsen-mark wakes up in bed with an obviously-dead Sakura;
Lum and Ataru in conservative suits rushing through a door; Ataru being
strangled.)

Lum: Darrlinng!

Announcer: Coming up next on the Kitsune Network! Now, back to Riders!

(We rejoin our cast in the Tendou living room. Kasumi is tending
RanmaR's wounds. The two Ryougas stare at each other. TofuR and AkaneR
are watching TV.)

TofuR: Well, my boy, I haven't been able to spot the exact point of
divergence, but at some point, martial arts became far more of a passion
on this Earth than ours. The world, and particularly Japan, is filled
with martial artists of varying skill levels. They've developed many
bizarre new styles and fusions with other sports. There's Martial
Rhythmic Gymnastics, Martial Pairs Skating, Martial Tea Ceremony...

RanmaR: Great. So this entire world is filled with people who would
attack strangers on sight?

Kasumi: No, just you, Ranma. Your counterpart has had an...interesting
life.

Ryouga: The cowardly fool ran out on a fight with me! Because of him I
have seen hell! (etc. etc.)

(Akane, Nabiki and Soun enter.)

Kunou (off): Come live with me, and be my love, and we will--

(Akane slams the door shut.)

Akane: Ranma! What have you done this time? Kunou's out front
scattering roses and raving about my supposed defeat meaning he can date me.

AkaneR: Um, that seems to be my fault. He attacked me, and I, um, lost.

Kasumi: Akane, meet Akane from a parallel Earth.

AkaneR: Your Kunou seems to be a lot better fencer than the Dark Emperor.

Akane: Well, if you were the one that lost to Kunou, maybe you *should*
date the idiot.

AkaneR: No way! I love Ranma! (Hugs him.)

RanmaR: Owww...

(Flames erupt behind Akane.)

Akane: Rrannmaa...

AkaneR (hurriedly): Oh, this isn't your Ranma, he's my version, right honey?

RanmaR: R-right. Oww...

Kasumi: Father, where's Mr. Happosai?

Soun: Nabiki didn't have quite enough money to bail both of us out.
*chuckle* By the way, thank you, my beloved daughter.

Nabiki: De nada. Think of it as a loan.

(Soun bigsweats.)
(RyougaR has calmed Ryouga down a bit and whispers something to him.)

Ryouga: You're kidding! Shampoo likes that? I didn't know that was
physically possible. (gets a nosebleed)

RyougaR: Word, man. Look, my brother, don't tie yourself down to just
one woman. A man's happiest with some variety.

TofuR: Like that Kuonji woman who tried to cook you for dinner, eh, Mr.
Hibiki?

RyougaR: Okay, so not every woman is right for us.

Soun: I never thought I'd see the day when you were in the same room as
Kasumi and still coherent, Dr. Tofu.

TofuR: Professor, please. Believe me sir, it takes a sincere effort of
will. Your daughter is quite lovely.

Kasumi: Silly man. Akane, as long as we have all these guests, could
you get the extra table down from the attic?

Akane: Okay! (goes off.)

Kunou (off): But soft, it is the east, and the pig-tailed girl is *PUNT*

(Ranma-chan and Panda-Genma enter.)

Ranma-chan: I swear, Kunou gets more annoying every week. And didn't I
tell you that Hikaru chick was trouble? You should have figured she'd
get reinforcements.

(Genma holds up a sign: "I didn't think that Umi girl was a
threat. Where did all that water come from?")
(Ranma sees AkaneR cuddling RanmaR.)

Ranma-chan: What th--Akane! That's an imposter! Get away from him!

RanmaR: You know this girl, Akane?

AkaneR: Not a clue, Ranma.

(Ranma bigsweats.)

Ranma-chan: I'm Ranma! Remember Ranma, your fiancee who turns into a
girl? And since when do you wear black?

(Everyone laughs except Ranma.)

Ranma-chan: Dammit, what's so funny?

AkaneR: I'm not the Akane you're looking for. The one you want is
upstairs. We're your counterparts from a parallel Earth.

Ranma-chan: Oh. Well, that makes as much sense as anything else in my life.

RanmaR: So that's what I'd look like as a girl. She's pretty hot! Ow!
But I still love you best, Akane. Besides, it'd be incest or something.

Ranma-chan: You just said you--love Akane?

RanmaR: Sure! We may fight sometimes, but we both know we're the only
ones for each other.

(RanmaR and AkaneR kiss. Nabiki takes pictures. Ranma stands
frozen. Akane has come down the stairs and has readied the table to
clobber Ranma if he makes a snide remark.)

Ranma-chan: I-I think I see. Ryouga, I'm sorry, I know you have a thing
for her too, but from this day forward, I will strive to make my
relationship with Akane work!

(The table drops from Akane's hands. Genma faints. Soun bursts
into tears.)

Akane: Oh, Ranma!

Ranma-chan: (Puts "her" hands on Akane's shoulders.) Akane, I l-lu-l--

RanmaR: Try "like".

Ranma-chan: I like you, Akane!

Akane: And I like you too, Ranma. Now go change into a boy, okay?

AkaneR: Well, it's a start.

(Ranma heads for the kitchen. RyougaR comforts his weeping
counterpart.)

RyougaR: Plenty of other women, my brother. You'll see.

(Some quick scene changes. TofuR visits Dr. Tofu.)

TofuR: Remember, you simply must break through to your inner calm.
Kasumi is too great a prize to throw away.

(Both Ryougas and a Ranma visit Mousse.)

Mousse: You're serious? Shampoo will go for that?

RyougaR: Yep, she'll be like putty in your hands. And if you need a
topper, Ryouga, you should listen to this too--

(Akane demolishes Kunou in a "rematch".)

(RyougaR enters Ucchan's, sees Ukyou and runs away screaming.
Ukyou makes a "baka" gesture and resumes cooking.)

(The Akanes in the kitchen. Both their dishes catch fire
simultaneously.)

(Soun reading the paper. The headline is "Ancient Pervert Leads
Jailbreak.")

(The Ranmas in the dojo.)

Ranma: So you put out your left foot like this, feel the ki? and then
counterkick with your right.

(RanmaR tries this, falls on his face.)

Ranma: Again. But this time, more ki.

RanmaR: I really don't think I can master martial arts in one afternoon.

(tries again, fails but catches himself. Suddenly, he's doused
by water, and Happosai follows, glomming onto his chest.)

Happosai: Oh darling Ranma-chan, your soft mounds are my sole--(taps
RanmaR's ribs) Eh? How?

Ranma: You can worry about it on your way to the moon, old man!

(Happosai is dropkicked into orbit.)

Happosai: Curse you Ranma, and your cruelty to senior citizenssss!

(Shift to a nightclub where RyougaR sings. At one table, RanmaR
and AkaneR hold hands, Ranma and Akane are almost touching hands.)

(Daybreak the next morning. Almost everyone gathers by the pool.)

Ranma: Anyone seen Ryouga?

RyougaR: He left earlier, said he had some heavy thinking to do.

(Kasumi leads up Dr. Tofu.)

Kasumi: Father, Dr. Tofu has proposed!

Soun: That's terrific news!

TofuR: Don't ever let her go.

Tofu: The sky is such a lovely shade of Kasumi today, don't you think
so, blue?

AkaneR: I'll remember you, Kasumi. The big sister I never had.

Soun: I feel like I'm losing part of the family! (bursts into tears.)

RanmaR: Mr. Saotome, even though you're very little like my father was,
it's been good to meet you.

Genma: Science, eh? The Saotome School of Anything-Goes Physics,
perhaps. That has a ring to it.

(Cologne hops in.)

Genma: Ack! The hag!

Cologne: Shut up, fat boy. Ranma, you're off the hook.

Ranma(s): What?

Cologne: I don't know what you did, but Mousse finally got Shampoo's
attention. They haven't come out of his cellar cupboard since yesterday
noon.

Ranma: Hallelujah!

Cologne: I would have been happier with you as the groom. But we make
the best of things.

(She hops off.)

RanmaR: It's time, everyone!

(He pushes a button, and the blue hole appears.)

TofuR: Farewell! (Jumps through.)

RyougaR: Here's hoping it's not another world where karaoke is a capital
offense! (Jumps through.)

(RanmaR and AkaneR hug their counterparts, then switch off.
Ranma finds this disquieting.)
(Nabiki snaps more pictures.)

RanmaR: Take care of Akane.

AkaneR: Take care of Ranma.

Akane & Ranma: We will! Bye!

(RanmaR and AkaneR jump through, and the hole closes.)

Various: Goodbye! Farewell! See you! Sayonara!

Ranma: Y'know, I think that other Akane's breasts were just a bit bigger
than yours.

Akane: Ranma, you disgusting pervert!

Ranma: Uncute tomboy!

(They glare at each other a moment, then laugh. The collective
cast sighs in relief.)

(The Riders tumble out of the gate into what appears to be the
same yard they just left. RanmaR falls into the pond.)

Nabiki (off): Yeah, Dad! We're gonna make a bundle with our own
Jyuusenkyo pool in the backyard!

(RanmaR-chan emerges from the water. The other Riders make the
hand gesture.)

AkaneR: Nope, definitely not home....

THE END

Yep, it's a "resolve the relationships, sorta" story. But it's
traditional in Sliders fanfics for them to meddle in the lives of their
counterparts anyway :-)

Comments etc. as always appreciated.

I've decided to change the title of the Ranma and Kasumi project
to "Cursed and Otherwise", still going to be some months before it'll be
ready.
Got plenty of stories already written, you'll see them soon.
Also in the works are "Worse", a sorta-sequel to "Sequence", and
"Umbrella Boy" and "Neko-Philia" which feature respectively...well I'm
sure you can guess.

SKJAM!
"Her shoes were black, her stockings white, and her hair it shone like
silver"