[ranma][fanfic] Road Diary...
Robert Morrison
Kono duudu o (squ...@prodigy.com)
Characters property of you-know-who
Keep all limbs within the vehicle at all times
No flashbulbs or camcorders please
And do not feed the animals
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Road Diary of a Young Martial Artist
by Saotome Ranma
translated by Kono duudu o
(A worn-looking leather-bound brown book sits on a desk. A slim hand
reaches out and slowly opens its beaten cover. The first page of the book
is covered with shaky hiragana writing, appearing to have been done by
someone very young...)
September 13, 1982
Me and Pop left home today. I'm gonna miss Mom but Pop says we're gonna
have lots of fun. We're going to Osaka first, to meet some guy who Pop
fought in a tournament a long time ago.
I wonder what that paper Pop made me put a mark on was...
September 16, 1982
Well, we finally made it to Osaka today. Pop spent all our money on food
in a little town along the way, and we've already finished most of it off.
Too bad we don't have any more money...there's a yatai near our campsite
and the okonomiyaki smells so good.
September 17, 1982
Pop made me steal from the nice man and his son today. The little boy
tried to stop me but he wasn't as good a fighter as me so I made off with
a few okonomiyaki. I feel bad about it, but at least they didn't come
after me.
September 18, 1982
I had to steal from the yatai again today. Pop spent half the day asleep
and the other half talking to some fat guy with a funny haircut. The fat
guy was one of those wrestlers...I can't remember what they call them but
he was wearing a big black diaper and he smelled nasty.
September 19, 1982
I think Kuonji-san...that's the man who runs the yatai I've been
stealing from...isn't mad at me for taking his okonomiyaki. Today I beat
up his little boy and he handed me the food himself.
September 20, 1982
Kuonji-san's little boy has a pottymouth. Anyway, he's getting better...
I almost didn't beat him today. Oh yeah, Pop finally did something other
than sleep and eat today. We had a training session and he taught me how
to bounce off peoples' heads.
September 21, 1982
The little boy from the yatai looked embarrassed when I left today. I
used that new trick Pop taught me and bounced off his head. Kuonji-san
was rolling around laughing at that.
September 22, 1982
I found out the little boy's name today. He's Ukyou.
He came over to our campsite around lunchtime today with a couple
okonomiyaki and we sat down and talked. He's really cool. I hope we're
staying around a while, it's nice to have a friend.
September 23, 1982
I feel sorry for Ukyou. I'm not gonna say anything about it to him
though.
We went to the bathhouse today. We had a good time in the baths, but I
couldn't help but notice Ukyou doesn't...well, doesn't have a...you know.
I didn't say anything about it though.
September 27, 1982
I know I haven't written in a while. Me and Ucchan...y'know, Ukyou...
have been playing together all the time. Today after I got back from
playing, Pop asked me the funniest question, about whether I liked Ucchan
or okonomiyaki more. I like Ucchan, I mean, he's my best friend and all,
but still...wonder why Pop asked me that?
September 28, 1982
Me and Pop left Osaka today. I was sad to go, I'm gonna miss Ucchan. I
think he's gonna miss me too. He ran after us a long way, and he was
crying. Kuonji-san must be worried about us not getting enough to eat on
the road because he gave Pop his yatai. Wasn't that nice of him?
May 8, 1983
Wow, it's been a while since I wrote in this! Well, a couple months ago,
Pop got rid of our yatai. I haven't figured out why he did that, we could
have used it to make some money, but he sold it off. Oh well. He knows
what he's doing I guess.
Well, Pop just signed us up to work on a fishing boat in exchange for
room and board for a while when we stopped in Yokohama. The captain,
Kotobuki-san, is a nice man, and a good fighter. Him and Pop were
sparring earlier, and he's good with a mop for a weapon. His daughter
Shiko isn't much of a fighter, and she's really whiny, but we're getting
along anyway. She's nice enough when she isn't crying.
May 10, 1983
Shiko is getting on my nerves. How can anyone whine so much? You'd think
she'd run out of air or something.
May 17, 1983
We left the Kotobuki's boat today. I'm glad to get back on dry land. I
like water and all, but for some reason lately I always feel a little
nervous around it. Pretty stupid, huh.
Kotobuki-san was really happy about something. Shiko was whining again,
louder than usual.
June 12, 1985
Well, we're out on the road again. Pop got us kicked out of a little
town in Hokkaido. Oh well. I didn't like the big boar that they let
wander around anyway.
June 15, 1985
Me and Pop got in a fight with a couple little girls today. They were
trying to steal our food. They didn't hang around long when Pop cut loose
on them.
October 31, 1987
Man, if there is one thing I hate, it's that stupid gaijin custom of
Halloween. Today has been a strange day. Me and Pop got in a fight with a
boy who was wearing a pair of pantyhose around his neck. We also ran into
some really ugly flying monster...I'll have nightmares about that thing
for months! During the fight my Pop taught me the Saotome-ryuu secret
technique. I can't say it's much of a technique...running away in the
middle of a fight till you can think of something better to do. But since
we were fighting some kind of monster, I guess it's okay.
Must be some kind of trend with pantyhose worn as scarves around here...
the monster had a pair around its neck too.
March 17, 1988
We sure run into some weird people these days. Today we met this girl
who was riding a really BIG white pig. She tried to get me to fight her
pig. I think she fell off the yatai one too many times if you ask me. I
ditched her in the middle of town.
September 14, 1989
Pop put me in an all-boy's junior high in Minato-ku today. Some kinda
weird monster attacked us in the middle of the day. It knocked out
everyone but me and this one other boy. He's a pretty good fighter, maybe
almost as good as me. I want to get to know him better.
Anyway, I think the monster would have gotten us both if these...girls
hadn't shown up. I'm still not sure I didn't imagine that part. I saw 5
girls in sailor-fuku with really short skirts show up and fight the
monster. The other boy fighting the monster with me passed out when they
showed up. Poor guy, had a really bad nosebleed.
September 17, 1989
Man, lunchtime is war at my school. I saw the boy from the other day
again today. He almost got to the last of the curry bread before me. I
had to bounce off his head to get it. While I was eating it, he came up
and asked me who I was. After I told him, he said his name was Hibiki
Ryouga, and he said he'll never forgive me for stealing the bread. I
don't see his problem. I won it fair and square.
September 24, 1989
I guess I won't be making friends with Hibiki Ryouga after all. I didn't
know he took lunch so seriously. I mean, it's just a game, get to the
bread first, right? I even offered to share it with him. He just got mad
and started yelling about a fight. I gotta meet him in the vacant lot
behind his house today after school.
September 27, 1989
I think Ryouga was joking about the fight. I waited for him for three
days and he never showed up. Today Pop came to the vacant lot where I was
waiting and told me we're going to go to China for a while. He mentioned
something about some training grounds over there he wants to go to.
January 31, 1990
I want to kill Pop. He made us SWIM all the way to China because he was
too cheap to buy plane tickets. We had to swim through freezing cold
water for hours to get there. I don't think I'll ever be warm again.
April 9, 1992
I WILL KILL MY OLD MAN IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO.
Stupid, stupid...idiot...the hell is his problem...he should have known
better...go to a place like that when he can't read a word of Chinese...
idiot, fool, stupid old bastard! I'm killing him the first chance I get.
April 11, 1992
I've calmed down enough now to realize the last entry didn't make a lot
of sense. Well, this is what happened.
A couple days ago, me and Pop went to this training ground he read about
in some pamphlet. Our guide tried to stop us from going near the springs
but we wouldn't listen. Too bad we didn't.
I'll never forget this place as long as I live. Jusenkyou, China. The
place where my life might as well have ended.
There's a bunch of pools here where stuff drowned a long time ago. Well,
when we were training, I knocked Pop into one of the springs--I had no
idea what was going to happen or I wouldn't have even been training over
them in the first place. The old man hit the water, and a couple minutes
later he came up--and he'd turned into a panda! A huge fucking PANDA!
That's when the guide got around to telling us about the curses. Turns
out if you fall into one of the springs at Jusenkyou, you turn into
whatever drowned there. Hot water changes you back to normal, but from
then on cold water changes you again.
Needless to say, I got knocked into one of the damned springs.
I don't know much Chinese, but the name of the spring I fell into is
burned into my mind, I'll see that word in my nightmares for the rest of
my life.
Nyanniichuan.
Spring of drowned young girl.
It was terrible! One minute I'm gasping for air in the ice cold water.
The next I'm hearing the guide telling me about the tragic story of the
girl who drowned 1500 years ago in the pool I fell in.
And the next minute, I discovered I had breasts.
This really SUCKS. I'm a GUY, and I can't deal with this! It's absolute
hell knowing I'll never even be able to swim again because the water will
turn me into a GIRL!! Why did this have to happen to me? WHY!?
April 14, 1992
Things have gone from bad to worse.
Me and Pop are going back to Japan now. We have to. See, a couple days
ago, we went to this village called Joketsuzoku. Hometown of the Chinese
Amazon tribe. Well, we went on the day of their tournament, and nobody
bothered to explain to us that the table full of food by the arena was
the prize for the winner and not a buffet. The girl who won the
tournament was pissed off and attacked. When the guide told me what her
problem was I challenged her. I figured if I won the fight, she'd have no
problem and me and pop could have all the food.
Stupid curse...and stupid Guide too...why couldn't that idiot tell me
that she'd give me the Kiss of Death if I beat her?
The girl...her name is Xian Pu, I found out...has been chasing us all
over the place ever since. We lost her somewhere near Beijing, but I
doubt we'll get much peace.
April 22, 1992
I have REALLY got to learn to ask a few questions before I eat anything.
Xian Pu found us again just after I wrote my last entry and we spent
most of the last week running from her. When we finally lost her, we
stopped in this funny little shop, and got some food.
I have to wonder why nobody told me what that soup was.
I ate this soup that turned out to be made from the beard hair of a
dragon. It's supposed to cure baldness...too bad Pop didn't get it.
Instead I wound up eating it, and it sucks what it did to me. The stuff
made my hair start growing real fast. I mean, one minute I was sitting
there slurping soup and minding my own business, with my hair in a pretty
short ponytail like always, and the next I had hair hanging down to my
ass! There is, luckily, a way to stop the rapid growth. Two ways,
actually. They gave me a dragon whisker to use to braid my hair. I cut it
back to the normal length and tied it up in a pigtail, and it quit
growing...the whisker makes it stay put. Also I found out that the soup
has no effect on women, so if I ever lose the dragon whisker, at least I
can use my curse to keep my hair from getting out of control. Jeez, who
would have thought that stupid curse might be good for something someday?
Speaking of the curse, I hate it. But it's getting easier to tolerate. I
don't like the fact that I am a girl half the time now, and have to avoid
water, but at least it's getting easier to deal with. I'll find a cure
someday I hope.
May 2, 1992
Okay, Pop's really gone and done it this time. What the HELL is he
thinking?
I just found out I'm engaged. Yay. Pop and some old friend of his made
an agreement to hitch me up to one of the guy's daughters. What a
lamebrained...this is the '90s! Nobody does that kinda thing anymore! I'm
not having any part of this. I'm ditching Pop and going back to China to
look for my cure as soon as I can.
(A rugged pair of hands grabs the book from the desk, eliciting a
surprised feminine shout from the reader. A male voice chuckles, and one
of the rugged hands snatches a pen off the desk. Scribbling sounds are
heard, then the book slides back onto the desk, once more open.)
June 10, 1993
I never did go back to China...not to look for that cure, anyway. Things
haven't always been easy over the last year, but all in all, life's good.
Even with the stupid curse. And all these weirdos around here. I once
thought if I could have done things differently I would have. But now
that I think about it, I wouldn't change a thing about my life.
I love you Akane.
Don't ever forget that.
(A pair of slender hands closes the book, and picks it up. We see the
owner of the hands hug it to her chest as she says, tears brimming in her
eyes, voice wavering, "I love you too, Ranma.")
-The end.-
Author's postnotes:
The dates attached to this story are obviously not official.
Basically, if you like this story, let me know. If you don't, you didn't
have to read it to begin with so don't try to impress me with your female
dog impression. ^_^