[ranma][fanfic] Saotome Squared 1&2
Robert Morrison
Another damned fanfic by Kono duudu o (SQU...@prodigy.com) :)
Ylppa sremialcsid lausu eht lla.
Agnam eht fo noisulcnoc eht retfa ecalp sekat yrots siht.
(Doesn't it annoy you when people do stuff backwards?)
This is dedicated to all fanfic authors everywhere who dare to be wacky.
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(Tendou Akane steps up to a microphone on a stage.)
Akane: (singing) "I love to use my mallet on that baka's head, on that
baka's head, on that--HEY!!" (a long cane with a hook on the end comes
from offstage and pulls Akane off the stage. From backstage we hear
screams, shouts of "BAKA!" and the sounds of people being bashed
senseless with a large mallet. Curtain closes.)
Ranma: Jeez Akane, what the heck was that all about?
Akane: I dunno. Just felt like making this fanfic have a really dumb
start.
Ranma: I can't figure you out sometimes.
R. Morrison: (yelling from a hidden speaker) EXCUSE ME! Do you mind if I
get my story started now?
Ranma: Sure. Go ahead.
Akane: Sorry. Go on.
R. Morrison: Thank you.
(An anvil falls on Ranma and Akane and squashes them flat.)
Opening theme: Lean On Me, Nerima Mix
(We open on Ranma walking on a fence that runs alongside a high road. Up
on the road two men are unloading crates and barrels from a truck.)
Short Fat Ugly Man: Hey, careful with them fuckin' barrels for the museum
exhibit. Can't afford to lose the damn water in 'em.
Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: Eh, what's so special' bout some fuckin' water
anyway?
Short Fat Ugly Man: Y'got me. But the boss said he'd skin our asses and
make a hat out of 'em if we lose this water.
Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: (holding the barrel a little clumsily) Man,
the old buzzard can suck my-- (he loses his grip on the barrel and it
rolls, going over the side of the road and down to the sidewalk below.)
Short Fat Ugly Man: (turning dark red) You STUPID, MORONIC, INCOMPETENT...
(at this point I have to censor this because when delivery guys and
dockworkers get mad you know there are going to be some words that'd make
a gangsta rapper blush.)
(Below, Ranma has just dismounted from the fence, and is now on the
sidewalk. The barrel is falling right at him. He notices it, and
reflexively aims a high kick at it. The barrel splinters, and Ranma is
splashed with the water inside.)
Short Fat Ugly Man: (looking down over the edge of the road) Sorry about
that kid, you okay?
Ranma: Man, watch it up there! You could hurt somebody with that!
Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: So go home to mommy and cry about it little
squirt. (sneers at Ranma)
Ranma: Why you--! Somebody oughtta teach you some manners!
Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: Oh yeah? How's about you, punk?
Ranma: You asked for it. (leaps first to fence, then to a tree, and comes
up onto the road, landing in a battle crouch.)
Tall Skinny Bald Ugly Man: (removing his jacket and running a hand over
his Size 88 Toriyama Forehead) Heh, lookit that. Little fucker thinks
he's a martial artist. C'mon punk!
(Ranma drops the guy in 3 seconds flat. The other guy looks nervous.)
Short Fat Ugly Man: Hey, kid, you ain't gonna beat me up too are ya? I
didn't have nothin' to do with the barrel and I ain't responsible for him,
okay?
Ranma: (relaxing from battle stance) See if you can't get your pal here
to watch his tongue from now on. Especially in Nerima.
Short Fat Ugly Man: Why Nerima?
Ranma: (looks at him like he's a moron) Because most of the best martial
artists in Japan live here. And some of them don't have a problem with
killing jerks like him. (Ranma leaps down to the sidewalk and heads home.
)
(We cut to a yatai set up near where the fight took place. Ukyou is
cooking okonomiyaki. We're not sure why she's selling on the street yet.
She sees the exchange, including the barrel falling on Ranma. During the
argument she realizes something.)
Ukyou: (quietly to herself) Ran-chan, you just got splashed and you
didn't change... (Ukyou closes up shop, takes the cash box and her
spatula from the yatai, and heads off.)
"Saotome Squared! Part one: That Old Jusenkyo Magic"
(Scene: Tendou Dojo. Genma-panda and Soun are playing Go on the porch.
Akane is breaking bricks in the yard. Kasumi is hanging the wash. Nabiki
is not in this scene.)
Akane: (smashing a pair of bricks) Ranma no baka. He was supposed to spar
with me this afternoon. Where is he?
Soun: I'm sure he'll show up soon. Your move, Saotome-kun.
(Just then, a yell and a splash are heard. Everyone looks over to the
pond, where Ranma has just landed.)
Ranma: (turning to the gates and yelling) Man, Ryouga! What's your
problem now!
(Ryouga enters through the gates, umbrella drawn.)
Ryouga: Shut up, Ranma! I'm going to break you today and hang your
remains in a tree...to... (He stops moving and stares blankly at Ranma.)
Ranma: Ryouga? Yo man, you in there? (Ranma turns and sees everyone else
is staring at him too.)
Ranma: What's the matter with you guys?
Genma-panda: (sign) You're sitting in the pond, boy.
Ranma: Yeah, so?
Genma-panda: (sign) So, look at yourself. (Ranma looks down. His chest is
flat, his hands and arms and legs aren't the size of a girl's. In fact...
)
Ranma: What the--? I'm...cured? (He leaps out of the pond, runs into the
house and up to the bathroom. Everyone follows. In the bathroom, Ranma
leaps into the shower fully clothed and turns the cold water on himself
full blast. Nothing happens except his clothes discover a new meaning of
"wash and wear.")
Ranma: (laughing like a complete fool) I'M CURED! CURED! CURED! CURED
CURED CURED! (starts dancing in the shower and singing) Never gonna be a
girl again! Never gonna be a girl again! Ha ha ha ha ha! I am 100% GUY
AGAIN!!!!
Genma-panda: (sign) Got anymore of whatever it is, boy?
Soun: Oh son, I am so happy for you! Now that you're a man again you can
marry Akane without any problems!
Akane: Hey! I might have something to say in it. (turning to Ranma) Ranma.
I'm happy for you. This is what you've always wanted. (frowning) But...
how?
Ryouga: Saotome, how dare you find a cure and not tell me! (Ryouga starts
to make a scene but stops at the threat of a bucket of cold water in the
face.)
Ranma: I got no idea! I didn't find any cure! This is just as much a
shock to me as it is to all of you! (smiles, and turns to Akane) Hey
Akane, you were talkin' about wanting to go to the pool yesterday right?
(Akane nods.) Well why don't we go down there today? A swim could do me a
lot of good. (Ranma grins. Akane giggles.)
Akane: Alright, Ranma. (leaves to get her swimsuit)
Ranma: (to Ryouga) Comin' Mr. P?
Ryouga: (snarls at Ranma) Why you...how dare you? First you get cured and
now you rub it in my face! (He leaps at Ranma, who grabs the showerhead
and turns it on him. P-chan bounces a couple times on the floor, and
settles for glaring at Ranma and growling. Nobody seemed to notice this
happening, and if they did they just didn't care.)
(Scene: Nerima Public Swimming Pool. Ranma and Akane are relaxing by the
pool in their swimsuits. P-chan is sitting on Akane's lounge chair,
glaring at Ranma. Suddenly a bike lands on Ranma, and a purple-haired
Chinese girl in a purple bikini leaps off and throws herself on Ranma.)
Shampoo: Woda airen! Ranma come swim with Shampoo, yes? Shampoo so
happy!
Ranma: (trying to peel her off) No, I'm here to swim with Akane.
Shampoo: (giggling) Ranma funny! As if Akane swim! Akane no swim, Akane
sink!
Akane: (eye twitching) I've BEEN taking LESSONS you Amazon bimbo!
Shampoo: (eyes narrowed but still smiling) All lessons in world no help
stupid violent tomboy in water. Shampoo still think Akane made of lead.
Akane: Why you! (Shampoo leaps off Ranma, grabs Akane, and throws her
into the pool. Into the deep end. Akane begins to flail about in the
water.) HELP! Someone help me!
Ranma: Akane!
Shampoo: Ranma forget about tomboy. Let Akane drown, then Ranma and
Shampoo can be happy!
Ranma: (glaring at Shampoo) If I were you, I wouldn't be here when I get
out of the pool, you got that? (leaps into the pool and swims toward
Akane. A minute later, he hauls her out of the pool. P-chan comes over
and squeals quietly at Akane, while Ranma pats her cheek gently.) Hey
Akane, you with us?
Akane: Of course I am, stupid. (expression softens) Thank you, Ranma. I'm
not ready for that end of the pool yet.
Ranma: (smiles at Akane, then turns to see Shampoo still standing nearby,
and his smile turns to a scowl.) Shampoo, if you EVER...(begins to growl)
Shampoo: (not impressed) Shampoo just have to work harder kill Akane next
time. Is no big deal. (This does it for Ranma. He grabs Shampoo by the
throat, plunges her into the pool, hauls her out in cat form, and punts
her far away from the pool)
Ranma: SHAMPOO NO BAKA!
(Ukyou walks up from nearby.)
Ukyou: Ran-chan! It's true then? You're cured?
Ranma: Ucchan! (nods) Yeah.
Ukyou: I saw you fighting that delivery guy earlier. I noticed it then
when the barrel splashed on you and you didn't change.
Akane: Barrel?
Ranma: Yeah. Some guys were unloading some barrels from a truck and they
dropped one over the side of the road and it splashed on me. (smirks)
Then one of the jerks smarted off to me. I had to pound some respect into
him.
Akane: Umm...Ukyou, where was this at? Where were they unloading barrels?
Ukyou: That new Chinese museum of natural history a couple blocks from my
restaurant. I saw the whole thing because I had to run my shop from my
old yatai today, since they're doing some work on the inside of the
restaurant for a few days.
Akane: Chinese history museum? (turns to Ranma) You don't suppose the
barrel that hit you was full of Nanniichuan water?
Ranma: You know Akane, you might be onto something there! (smacks his
palm with his fist)That explains it then!
(From nearby there is the sound of screaming, running, yelling, and
general chaos. Three voices can be heard distinctly over the clatter.)
Happosai: How sweet! Come back here cutie-pie!
Familiar sounding girl: No way pervert!
Kunou: Pigtailed girl! Come proclaim your love for me and your hatred of
the cursed Saotome Ranma! Come and be my love!
Ranma: Sounds like Happosai and Kunou are at it again.
Ukyou: Yep.
Akane: Honestly. You'd think he'd give up on you and me Ranma. Always
chasing after his "pig-tailed girl"....
(Everyone stops and blinks.)
All three: PIGTAILED GIRL!?
(End Credits Theme: Okonomiyaki Love Letter [Alanis Morrissette
version])
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(Opening credits theme: Walk Like An Egyptian, Nerima Dance Mix.)
"Saotome Squared! Part two: Ranko Revisited"
(We cut to a shot of three figures running alongside the street in plain
sight of the swimming pool. A red-headed girl in a purple Chinese shirt
and pants outfit is being chased by a tiny man carrying a big sack and a
tall guy in samurai garb wielding a bokken in one hand and a bouquet of
roses in the other. With a cry, the girl leaps over the fence and into
the pool. The others stop on the other side of the fence.)
Kunou: Play not coy with me, fair one! Come to me of thine own free will,
lest I be forced to mar thy beauty with my bokken!
Ranma: You ain't marrin' nothin' Kunou. Get outta here now or you're
gonna get hurt.
Kunou: Saotome! Vile sorcerer! I should have known the pigtailed goddess
would flee my arms for thine. Have at thee, evil mage!
(Kunou is felled by one well-placed kick from Ranma. Meanwhile, Happosai
is looking back and forth from Ranma to the girl in the pool in confusion.
Ranma picks him up by his panty sack, and boots him off into the
distance.)
Pigtailed girl: (drying her hair with a towel she grabbed as she climbed
out of the pool, and trying to wring her shirt out) Thanks...those two
perverts were freaky... (Ranma turns to look at her, and she blinks,
looking surprised.) D...Dad?
(Ranma's turn to blink in shock. The girl smiles.)
Pigtailed girl: I should have known. You're always saving me from guys
like that, after all...
Ranma: Who...who are you?
Pigtailed girl: (looks confused for a second, blinks a couple times, then
blushes embarrassedly.) Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't introduce
myself! (bowing) I'm Saotome Ranko, your daughter!
Ranma, Akane, Ukyou, and everyone else within earshot: DAUGHTER!?
Ranma: That's impossible! I don't have any kids, and even if I did you're
MY age, how could you be MY daughter?
Ranko: (blushing again) I'm kinda from the future, Dad. (noticing Akane
for the first time) Oh, hi Mom.
Akane: Don't call me Mom.
Ranko: (shrugs) Whatever Mom. Soooo, Dad, this is how Nerima looked when
you were a kid, huh? Not bad...not bad.
Ranma: (takes Ranko's arm) Umm...maybe we better go someplace and talk?
Ranko: Sure! Back to the dojo maybe?
(Akane gets up and follows them out of the poolyard. They head back to
the Tendo Dojo.)
Ranko: Hey...Tendo Dojo? Did we get the wrong house or something?
Ranma: This is where me and Akane live.
Ranko: (blinks) I thought you lived in the Saotome Dojo though?
Akane: If you're from the future like you say, then probably this is the
same dojo. If that jerk there and me really DO get married, then this
becomes his.
Ranko: Cool.
Ranma: So, Ranko...what are you doing here? Nanban mirror? Spell? What?
Ranko: (shakes her head) I used Ono Soba's time machine.
Ranma: Ono Soba?
Ranko: Yeah, the kid with all the crazy inventions. (blinks) Oh...
probably isn't even alive yet.
Ranma: So, um, why are you here?
Ranko: Soba-kun wanted to test out his time machine to see if it works. I
thought it sounded cool so I asked him to send me back in time so I could
meet you guys when you were my age. (frowns) I think that's why I came
here anyway. (smiles)
Akane: (whispered to Ranma) Is she for real?
Ranma: (whispered to Akane) I hope not. I'd hate to know I had a kid this
scatterbrained.
Ranko: (wheels on him) So I'm kinda absent-minded! So sue me! (pulls a
mallet out of nowhere and brains Ranma with it harder than Akane ever did.
)
Ranma: (rubs his head and blinks) No doubt about it. Only one person
could be your mother. (Akane says nothing, but blushes.)
(They enter the dojo. Nobody notices them at first. Genma and Soun are
playing shogi, Nabiki is reading a manga, and Kasumi is pouring lemonade
into glasses and placing cookies from a jar onto a serving tray. Ranko
forgets she's not in her own time again, and starts saying hi to everyone.
)
Ranko: Hey Grandpa Genma! Hey Grandpa Soun! Aunt Nabiki! Aunt Kasumi!
(Everyone looks up. They see two Ranmas...one male, one female, the
female one waving and calling them grandpa and aunt. Ranma is groaning,
and Akane is slapping her forehead.)
Akane: (muttered) Ranko no baka.
Ranma: Hey Ranko, are you always this stupid? (Ranko mallets him again,
then gets a look of shock on her face) Ack! Dad! I'm sorry!
(Meanwhile, Genma and Soun are staring, Nabiki is split between deducing,
wondering, and scheming, and Kasumi has fallen over in surprise and is
hastily straightening her dress as she stands.)
Kasumi: Oh my, it seems we have a visitor!
Akane: You have no idea.
Soun: Akane, Ranma, who is this girl?
Ranko: (bowing) Saotome Ranko. I'm from the future.
Nabiki: The future? How far in the future?
Ranko: (frowns, then turns to Ranma) What year is this?
Ranma: 1996.
Ranko: (chews her lip a second) Let's see...I'm 17 now, I'll be 18 in
September...carry the 1...umm...ummm....
(Akane and Ranma facefault.)
Ranma: Ranko...how about telling us what year YOU'RE from?
Ranko: (brightens and giggles) Oh yeah! 2015.
Kasumi: Oh my! You've certainly had a long trip then! Why don't you sit
down and have some lemonade!
Ranko: Thanks Aunt Kasumi! (she bounces, and I mean bounces, over and
gets a glass of lemonade and a couple of cookies, and seats herself at
the table across from Nabiki. Ranma and Akane get lemonade and cookies
and sit across from Ranko. Nabiki subtly moves over so they can face the
girl more easily.)
Soun: So, tell us, Ranko, how did you get here?
Ranko: Soba-kun used his time machine to send me here.
Nabiki: Soba-kun? Who's that?
Ranko: Ono Soba. Uncle Tofu-sensei and Aunt Kasumi's son. (everyone looks
at Kasumi and grins. She blushes.)
Kasumi: Oh my. It certainly is nice to know I'll have a smart son when I
get older. (weak smile)
Ranko: Mom and Dad wanted me to give you guys a message but I can't
remember what it was. I think I had it written down somewhere. (thinking)
Oh yeah! (starts to unfasten her shirt) Mom made me staple a note to my
bra...
Ranma: (panicking) RANKO! Jeez! Go someplace private to do that!
Akane: Honestly, Ranko! You're just as bad as your father is about that!
Ranma: Was. Not is. Not anymore.
Akane: Oh yeah. That's right.
Ranko: (looks confused) What are you guys talking about?
Ranma: Well, umm...up until a few hours ago I had a Jusenkyo curse.
Ranko: OH! You mean like Uncle Ryouga right? (blinks and looks horrified)
Oh my God...Dad said not to say anything about that in front of Mom...
(Akane shoots a look at Ranma, who shrugs)
Akane: What do you mean?
Ranko: (smiles nervously) Uhh...nevermind.
Akane: (looking mad) TELL YOUR MOTHER! NOW!
Ranko: (looks just about as mad) I SAID NEVERMIND MOM!
(Everyone except Ranma stares as both Ranko and Akane pull large mallets
from...somewhere, and begin pounding each other senseless. Ranma
facefaults.)
Nabiki: Yep, I'd say that one takes after her mom. (Everyone falls over.
)
Soun: So, Ranko, how long are you staying with us?
Ranko: Couple of weeks. Soba-kun set the time machine to pick me up two
weeks after I arrived.
Kasumi: Well, you can stay in Akane's room then, alright?
Akane: HEY! That'd be too much like having Ranma sleeping in my room!
Ranma: (whispered to Akane) Don't let her looks fool you. That girl's as
scatterbrained as Ryouga is lost. (Akane giggles.)
Akane:(whispered to Ranma) I guess you're right...maybe that'll make it
different.
Ranko: (demonic head at both Ranma and Akane) QUIT TALKING ABOUT ME
BEHIND MY BACK! (Ranma and Akane both shrink away from her.)
Ranko: (recovers and giggles) Hey, I feel like a nice hot bath. Mind if I
go upstairs and take one?
Kasumi: Go right ahead!
Ranko: Thanks Aunt Kasumi! (heads upstairs)
Ranma: She must be a real pain in the butt to live with.
Akane: Yeah. I feel sorry for her parents.
Nabiki: Akane...you and Ranma ARE her parents.
(Akane and Ranma groan.)
(Scene: Later in the day. Everyone is sitting at the table and Kasumi is
serving dinner. Ranko bounces downstairs.)
Kasumi: Dinner, Ranko!
Ranko: Alright! I'm sooo hungry! Looks good Aunt Kasumi! (Kasumi smiles.)
(Ranko sits at the table, and a piece of paper falls out of her shirt.
Ranma picks it up.)
Ranma: Hey, what's this?
Ranko: OH! That's the note you guys gave me in the future to give you
here.
Ranma: Ah, okay. (unfolds it and begins to read. After a minute, he gets
a very sick look on his face. Everyone looks at him in concern.) Umm...
Akane?
Akane: Yes?
Ranma: C'mere a sec. I gotta talk to you in private. (grabs Akane's arm
and hauls her up to the roof) Nobody follow us okay?
(Genma, Soun, and Nabiki start to move, only to find Ranko glaring at
them.)
Ranko: Hey you jerks! They said stay put, so STAY PUT!
Genma: That's no way to talk to your grandfather!
Nabiki: Whatever happened to respect for your elders?
Ranko: (looks embarrassed) I'm sorry! (the three start to move past her.
Suddenly they find themselves pinned to the ground by a huge anvil.) But
I still can't let you listen in on Mom and Dad! (The three sigh and pass
out.)
(Scene: the roof.)
Ranma: Akane, we got problems here.
Akane: Like what? What does that note say? (Ranma hands her the note.)
Note: Greetings to our younger selves. We heard Ranko was going to visit
you with Soba-kun's time machine and we thought we'd send a note along.
By now you've probably run into Ranko's absent-mindedness and her violent
temper. However, there are a few things you should know so you can keep
her from getting herself into trouble. We worry about our daughter a lot.
First of all, Ranko's not quite as good a martial artist as her father,
and only about as good as her mother, even though she's a lot faster, but
she makes up for it with some devastating attacks. Warn anyone that tries
to fight her about her Anvil Drop. This isn't a joke, she does a lot of
damage with the giant anvils she has a habit of dropping on people.
Second of all, Ranko is a bit wild. She likes boys a lot, and she's
likely to do anything with a boy she decides is cute. We have to watch
her like a hawk, and while she's there so will you. Keep her away from
Ryouga at all costs. She has a crush on him but here she can't do
anything about it because he's twice her age. But in the past, they're
the same age, and there's no telling what she might try to do with him.
Please don't let Ranko do anything really stupid.
Well, you're in for two exhausting weeks. Ranko is a sweet girl, and a
lot of fun to be around, but she's very spirited.
Sincerely, Saotome Ranma and Saotome Akane.
Akane: Gee.
Ranma: Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Giant anvils? Where in the heck
did she come up with a technique like that?
Akane: You've seen her temper. Probably that's just her version of my
mallets.
Ranma: Where DO you get those things from anyway?
Akane: (smiles) Can't tell you that. It's a secret. (giggles)
Ranma: Anyway, we gotta be real careful with her. She could be a lot of
trouble here...or get herself in a lot of trouble.
Akane: Yeah. Chances are if we let anything bad happen to her our future
selves might pay us a visit and who knows what they'll do to us.
Ranma: (gulps) I hope not. Besides, if they did that, wouldn't that be
real bad news for them? (Akane thinks about this then nods.)
Akane: One thing's for sure. This is going to be the weirdest two weeks
of our lives. (Ranma nods, and slumps down, sighing.)
(End credits theme: I Touch Myself, Ranko Pleasure Mix.)
(Intermission)
(Scene: a dark room someplace, lit only by a television and a computer
screen. A fiendish villain sits before the computer, cackling maniacally
as he types away. Suddenly someone appears behind him and begins pounding
his head with a mallet.)
Villain: HEY! Cut that out!
Akane: WHAT did you think you were doing? Honestly, having me get
malleted by someone. That wasn't funny!
R. Morrison (villain): On the contrary, Akane, it was hilarious!
Akane: Hmph. And what's with all these idiotic songs you pick for the
credits anyway? They have nothing to do with the story at all!
R. Morrison: Oh well!
Akane: You're weird.
R. Morrison: Thanks.
Akane: That WASN'T a compliment you BAKA!
R. Morrison: I wouldn't call me names if I were you. You might persuade
me to bring in something with a lot of tentacles and more lust than
Happosai.
Akane: (gasping) You WOULDN'T!!!
R. Morrison: Nope. I wouldn't. I'm not that disgusting. Fool with me
though and I'll stick you and Ranma in bed together.
Akane: ...
R. Morrison: (evil grin) Or would you LIKE that too much? Heh heh.
Akane: ... (turning redder than most ketchup)
R. Morrison: Hey can you get back in there now? I wanna get the story
moving again. (Akane glares at him one last time and disappears.)
(End intermission.)
(Opening Credits Theme: "Back In Time" by Huey Lewis and the News (sung
by Saotome Ranko))
(We see Hibiki Ryouga walking down a street somewhere looking confusedly
at a map.)
Ryouga: Okay, it says here I was supposed to go east of Eden...Eden?
(Looks at the map more carefully...it's actually a cover from a hardcover
book, spread open. He tosses it aside.) Well that helps a lot. Wonder
where I am now? Maybe I better ask for directions... (he spots a man
standing in the doorway of a squat building with a tiled roof. The man is
wearing a suede vest, black jeans, a white poet shirt, and has a wide-
brimmed Western hat tipped over his eyes. He walks up to the man.)
Man: Hola, senor.
Ryouga: Nani?
Man: Que?
Ryouga: Nan da?
Man: Que?
Ryouga: Ittai koko wa doko nan da?
Man: No habla Ingles.
Ryouga: Nan da? Iinugureisu*?
Man: Que?
Ryouga: [thought] This is getting me nowhere. {spoken} Koko wa? (points
at the ground)
Man: (looks at the ground) Caca**.
Ryouga: Nani?
Man: Caca. (points at the spot Ryouga pointed at. Ryouga looks down.
There is what appears to be a pile of horse manure by his foot.)
Ryouga: Kuso.
Man: Que?
(Ryouga sighs, turns, and walks away. As he crosses an intersection, he
hears a lot of people yelling, and a lot of thumping noises. The noises
seem to grow to a thunder, and the ground shakes.)
Ryouga: What the hell? (he turns around. There are a LOT of bulls
charging directly at him.) AAAHHHHH!!!!! (He doesn't have time to run.
They're coming closer and closer. He makes a decision. He jabs a finger
at the ground.) BAKUSAI TENKETSU! (The ground explodes in front of him,
raining dust and rock and other things on the bulls, who skid to a halt
inches from him, turn, and stampede the other way. He shudders and
continues walking.)
Observer 1: That boy scared off the bulls.
Observer 2: Doesn't the moron have any respect for tradition?
Observer 3: Anyone who can scare a herd of stampeding bulls doesn't have
to respect anything if he doesn't want to.
(All three nod.)
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
*-Obviously this is not the correct way to say English in Japanese. This
is a katakana of the Spanish word for English. (Anyone else confused?)
**-I am aware that caca is NOT the Spanish-Spanish word for feces. It's
the Mexican-Spanish word. But for the purposes of the humor in this scene,
it was neccessary.
(Scene cut to Tendou Dojo. Ranma comes into the house looking upset.)
Akane: What's wrong Ranma? Is Ranko out boy-chasing again?
Ranma: (sighs and shakes his head.) No, I wish it were that simple. (he
hands Akane a piece of paper) This fell on my head a few minutes ago
outside.
Akane: (reading) Time machine busted...can't send or retrieve anything
larger than a loaf of bread...at least four months to fix it? (she
pales)
Ranma: Four months with Ranko.
Akane: Oy.
(Ranko bounces in...and we're talking bounces.)
Ranko: Tadaima!!!
Akane: Ranko, we have some news for you.
Ranko: Oh?
Ranma: Yeah. Seems you're going to be with us about four more months, at
least.
Ranko: Whoa! No way!
Akane: (hands her the note) Yep.
Ranko: (reads it, and beams) Yay! (starts bouncing up and down in
hyperactive excitement. Ranma averts his eyes. Akane looks like she has a
headache.)
Akane: Uh, Ranko?
Ranko: Yeah Mom?
Akane: I think you forgot to put on your bra this morning.
Ranko: (looks down, peeks inside her shirt) Oopsie! (giggles and runs
upstairs)
Ranma: Oy.
Akane: Double oy.
(Scene: Ryouga is standing on a street corner in a large city. The street
signs are written in English, Chinese, and Japanese. Many of the
buildings around him have names written in Chinese, Japanese, or both.)
Ryouga: Hmmm....I better find out where I am. I might actually be in
Tokyo this time. (spots a Japanese teenager roughly his age going into a
building, and follows, being careful to avoid traffic. He finds himself
in a very large shopping center with a lot of shops and Japanese
restaurants. His target goes up a large spiral staircase. Ryouga follows.
There are even more shops on the second floor. The boy goes into a shop
labeled in romanjii: "Japan Video". Ryouga enters. He walks up and taps
the boy on the shoulder.)
Boy: (in English) Yes? Something I can do for you?
Ryouga: (blinks, then begins speaking in very shaky English) Aaaa....
where...here...am...I?
Boy: (blinks, then smiles and switches to Japanese) <Ask again in
Japanese, I couldn't get what you were trying to say.>
Ryouga: (boy is he relieved) <Sorry for disturbing you, but I was
wondering if you could tell me where I am?>
Boy: <You're in a Japanese video store.>
Ryouga: <Japanese video store? Then why were you speaking English?>
Boy: (looks at him like he's dumb) <Because everyone here speaks English?
>
Ryouga: (looks at HIM like he's dumb) <The last time I checked not
everyone in Japan spoke English.>
Boy: (looks at Ryouga like he's incredibly stupid) <Japan? This is
America dude.>
Ryouga: (eyes wide) <America?>
Boy: (nods) <You're in San Francisco, California. Where did you think you
were?>
Ryouga: <I didn't know but I assumed I'd made it back to Japan...>
Boy: <You from Japan?>
Ryouga: <Yes.>
Boy: <So what are you doing in America?>
Ryouga: <I'm not sure. I get lost very easily.>
Boy: (blinks) <Getting lost is one thing. Crossing an ocean and not even
knowing it is a different story.>
Ryouga: (looking around) <They sell Japanese videos here?>
Boy: (nods) <Yeah, and they sell some anime that's been either subbed or
dubbed in English but a lot of it sucks.>
Ryouga: <Sounds like American cartoons subbed and dubbed over in Japan.>
Boy: <What's your name?>
Ryouga: <Hibiki Ryouga.>
Boy: (blinks) <Excuse me, did you say Hibiki Ryouga?>
Ryouga: (nods) <Yeah.>
Boy: (laughs) <You're joking right?>
Ryouga: <Why would I joke about my name?>
Boy: <I think I'm on Candid Camera here or something.>
Ryouga: (looks at him blankly) <Huh?>
Boy: <Let me get this straight. You dress like that, you have no sense of
direction, and your name is Hibiki Ryouga?> (Ryouga nods. Boy laughs)
<Come on, who are you really?>
Ryouga: (starting to get a little pissed) <I told you already!>
Boy: <Uh huh. And I suppose you've been chasing a martial artist named
Saotome Ranma around for years, and you turn into a pig when doused with
cold water, and you're in love with Ranma's fiancee Tendou Akane, am I
right?>
Ryouga: (blinks) <How...how did you know all that?>
Boy: <Stop acting like I'm an idiot. I'm not. Every otaku in the world
watches Ranma 1/2.>
Ryouga: <Watches...what?>
Boy: (sighs) <You're gonna play this game for all it's worth aren't you.
Okay then, over here.> (he leads Ryouga over to a shelf where a bunch of
subtitled and dubbed anime videos are displayed. On the wall at the back
of the store in this section is a large mural of Tsukino Usagi, Mizuno
Ami, Hino Rei, Kino Makoto, and Aino Minako.)
Ryouga: <Nice mural.>
Boy: <Yeah, I like it. Look at this.> (he picks up a video and shows it
to Ryouga, who gasps and stares at it in shock. It's Ranma 1/2 TV Series
Vol. 1 from Viz Video, dubbed in English.)
Ryouga: <Wh...what the hell!?>
Boy: (smirks) <You're going to play this out as far as you can aren't you?
>
Ryouga: <Huh?>
Boy: (sigh) <Come with me. I know how to prove who you really are.>
(grabs Ryouga's arm and drags him into one of the restrooms in the mall)
Ryouga: <What are we doing in here?>
Boy: <Testing a theory.> (He turns on the faucet in the sink, scoops up
two handfuls of cold water, and splashes Ryouga, who immediately turns
into a little black pig. The boy gapes in shock.) <What the--?
Impossible! You really ARE Ryouga!!!!>
P-chan: Bwee.
Boy: <Oh, right, sorry.> (splashes hot water on Ryouga, who changes back
and gets dressed.) <I think you got really lost this time and wandered
into the wrong reality.>
Ryouga: (pales) <Oh boy.>
Boy: <I'm sure you'll find your way home eventually...you never seem to
have a problem finding your way back to the Tendou Dojo in the manga or
the anime, even if it takes weeks at a time....>
Ryouga: <I can't believe there's a world where I'm just a character in an
anime...>
Boy: <Hey! You're not JUST a character in an anime! You're one of the
most popular anime characters of all time!>
Ryouga: <Really?>
Boy: <Yeah! Lots of otaku worship you like a god!>
Ryouga: <Like....a....god...?> (thought) I'm beginning to like it here...
(spoken) <Well, I'm sure that there are a lot more of them in Japan than
in America, yes?>
Boy: <Probably.>
Ryouga: <Well, thanks for all your help...I'm going to try to go back to
Japan now...> (turns and leaves)
Boy: Man, Bobby would never believe this... (Ryouga runs back in)
Ryouga: <I'm sorry, I forgot to ask your name.>
Boy: <I'm Dana. Dana Franklin.> (remembers he's talking to a person who's
actually from Japan) <Uhh...I mean, Franklin Dana.>
Ryouga: <Thanks for all your help Dana-san.> (leaves)
(AUTHOR'S NOTE: For those who are wondering, the boy in the previous
scene does actually exist, he's a good friend of mine. He gets all my
anime and manga for me, so I figured the least I could do is give him a
cameo in one of my fanfics. :)
(Scene cut to Nerima a couple of weeks later. Ranko is flirting with some
of Ranma's classmates, who are treating her to all kinds of snacks and
presents and basically hovering around her. She's eating it up.)
Daisuke: So Ranko, got any plans for tonight?
Ranko: (smiling) Well, I dunno, we could... (Ranma drops out of a tree
and steps in front of her)
Ranko: (has an "Aw man!" look on her face) Oh, hi Da..err, Ranma.
Ranma: Don't forget you were going to train with me and Akane tonight at
the dojo.
Ranko: (smirks) Yeah, yeah. Sorry Daisuke. Guess I'm booked. Maybe
another time okay?
Daisuke: (crestfallen) Yeah, another time. (Ranma's presence causes all
the admirers to scatter.)
Ranko: (scowls at Ranma) Dad no baka! I was having fun too!
Ranma: (smirks) Yeah, I know your idea of fun. We're not gonna have any
of that while you're here, young lady. (blinks) Young lady? Jeez, I sound
like my old man...
Ranko: (blinks, confused) Huh? You're my old man though.
Ranma: (sighs) Nevermind. C'mon let's go home.
Ranko: (pouts) Aww, do I gotta? I wanna hang out around town for a
while!
Ranma: (thinks) well, if i stay with her, she can't get in much trouble...
(spoken) Alright, but I'm coming along with you.
Ranko: (smiles and kisses him on the cheek) Thanks Dad!
Ranma: (sighs) Call me Ranma here, not Dad.
Ranko: Okay, I'll call you Ranma, Dad. (Ranma falls over.)
(Scene: Ucchan's. Ranma and Ranko walk in.)
Ranma: Hey Ucchan!
Ukyou: (running out from the back room) Ranchan! H....(sees Ranko and
stops talking, stares at her in shock.)
Ranko: (blinks in confusion) What? Is my blouse open or something?
(blushes) Oh no, I hope I didn't forget to wear my bra again...
Ukyou: Two...TWO Ranchans?
Ranko: (blinks) What's a Ranchan?
Ranma: She means me, and there's only one of me.
Ranko: But you're Ranma and she sees two Ranchans...
Ranma: (groans) Let's try this again. Her nickname for me is Ranchan.
Ranko: Ooooohhhhhhhh..... (blinks) But why does she say there's two of
you?
Ranma: (trying not to lose it) Because you look like I looked in my
cursed form.
Ranko: Whoa really?
Ranma: Exactly.
Ukyou: Uhhh....excuse me? Can I get in on this conversation or am I just
part of the background here?
Ranma: Oh, sorry Ucchan. This is Saotome Ranko.
Ukyou: (blinks) I didn't know you had a sister.
Ranma: I don't. She's my daughter.
Ukyou: HUH!?
Ranko: Hey I know you! You're the girl from the pool right?
Ukyou: (blinks) Ohyeah! I remember now! I thought I dreamed that. So
you're Ranchan's daughter eh?
Ranko: (smiles and giggles) Yep, that's me!
Ukyou: (smiles at her) Nice to meet you! I'm Kuonji Ukyou.
Ranko: (gasps) Noway! Not...not THE Kuonji Ukyou?
Ukyou: (blinks) Unless there's more than one Kuonji Ukyou.
Ranko: (in obvious awe) The queen of okonomiyaki?
Ukyou: (blushes at the flattery)Well I guess you could say that...
Ranko: (looks like she's going to faint) Wow! I never thought I'd meet
the owner of the largest chain of okonomiyaki shops in the world!
Ukyou: (blinks) Really? Largest?
Ranko: Yeah! I eat at the Ucchan all the time! I'm lucky that I live in
Nerima where the Ucchan Museum is!
Ukyou: Ucchan Museum? (getting a big starry-eyed grin on her face)
Ranko: Yeah! It's not every day a local okonomiyaki cook becomes a
worldwide household name!
Ukyou: (hops behind the counter) Park it over here sugar! Tell me more
while I whip you up a special.
Ranko: (swoons. Ranma catches her) Wow....I'm gonna get to eat an
okonomiyaki made by Kuonji Ukyou herself...I'm in heaven... (Ranma
carries her over to the counter and plops her on a seat)
Ranma: I think you have a fan Ucchan. (Ukyou grins.)
(Streets of Nerima. We see a ripple in the air, and Ryouga steps out of
thin air and walks along the street. He stops, and looks around.)
Ryouga: Looks like Japan...better ask. (Sees a guy walking down the
street. The guy is wearing a school uniform. Ryouga goes over to him and
grabs him by the collar) Where am I?
Student: (blinks) Not you again. (we see it's the same guy he grabbed the
first time he made it to Furinkan. He points down the street.) Furinkan
High School is 7 blocks down that way. You can't miss it.
Ryouga: (blinks) Fu...rin...kan...High...School...(gets right in the
kid's face) Am I in Nerima? (the guy nods) It's not a dream? I'm not lost
again? (the guy nods. Ryouga lets him go) It's a miracle! I made it back!
Oh it's so good to be here! It'll be so good to see Akane again...it'll
even be good to see Ranma again...it's great to be back in my own
reality!!
Student: (blinking and staring) Are you...alright?
Ryouga: (realizes he's been ranting) Ah..yeah, I'm fine. (walks down the
road, passing by Ucchan's Okonomiyaki as he goes.
(Meanwhile, inside Ucchan's...)
Ranko: Wow, this is even better than back home!
Ukyou: Glad you like it!
Ranma: (gets up) I gotta take a leak. Be right back. (heads for the
bathroom)
(Just then Ryouga walks past the door. Ranko notices him pass. A
mischevious grin slowly spreads across her face.)
Ranko: Aha! The chase is on! Thanks for the okonomiyaki Kuonji-sama!
Gotta run! Seeya! (rushes out. Ukyou blinks after her.)
Ukyou: What was that all about? (sees Ranko run down the street in the
direction she just saw Ryouga go.) Hmm...wonder if she was following him..
?
(Ranma emerges from the restroom and notices Ranko is missing.)
Ranma: Where's Ranko?
Ukyou: I dunno, she just ran out of here...I just saw Ryouga go by, I
think she was following him.
Ranma: (pales) Ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh shit.
(End credits theme: "Platonic" (Ryouga 'Get her off me!' Mix)
(Intermission)
(Once again we see the insane writer at his computer typing away and
cackling madly to the tune of "It's Love" by Rabbit, occassionally
breaking out of his maniacal laughter to sing along with the song. He
stops suddenly as something very bouncy whaps him across the back of the
head.)
R. Morrison: (without turning) Hi Ranko.
Ranko: (giggly cute voice) Heya. Say, you ARE gonna give me a steamy love
scene with Ryouga-kun, ain'tcha?
R. Morrison: (thinks for a minute) Well...
Ranko: Well? Well? (excited and bouncing up and down)
R. Morrison: Nah.
Ranko: (glowing blue) WHY YOU LITTLE--!!!!
(An anvil falls on the insane writer. He calmly tilts back his head and
opens his mouth VERY wide, swallowing the anvil whole.)
Ranko: Hey! No fair! (pouts)
R. Morrison: (grinning) Hey, who do you think taught you the anvil trick,
huh? (A giant billboard with an ad for a breast reduction clinic falls on
Ranko)
Ranko: (from under the billboard) I hate you... (Fade out on writer's
maniacal laughter and typing)
(Opening credits theme: "Omoide ga Ippai", sung by Ranko, with opening
animation showing Ranko chasing boys and Ranma going nuts trying to rein
her in.)
(We open on Ryouga walking down the road, looking around for anything
resembling the Tendou dojo.)
Ryouga: Let's see...I passed Ucchan's back there...Furinkan is off that
way...it should be near...(freezes up as something wraps around him from
behind, something that feels VERY female.) Wh--what the--?
Ranko: (giggly and cutesy) Ryouga-kun! I finally found you! Let's go out
together!
Ryouga: (turning around and freaking out) R--Ranma!? What the...hey wait,
weren't you cured...? What...(pauses again as he sees a very familiar
pigtailed boy running up to them yelling) Huh!? (looks down at Ranko,
then up at Ranma approaching) What--how--(begins babbling)
Ranko: (confused expression) Ryouga-kun? You okay honey? Hey? (hears
shouting and turns. Gasps in fright.) SHIT! It's Dad! (grabs Ryouga's arm
and takes off running) Come on cutie, let's ditch him.
Ryouga: D--Dad?
Ranma: (from off in the distance) Dammit! Ranko! Get back here right now!
This is your FATHER SPEAKING! RANKOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Ranko: (panting and bouncing like a hundred basketballs) Gotta...lose him.
damn dad...never lets me have any fun...
Ryouga: Uhh...excuse me?
Ranko: Shh...not now...(looks up and sees a nice high roof) Aha...(grabs
onto Ryouga tight and launches them both up to the rooftop just before
Ranma rounds the corner.)
Ranma: (looking around) Dammit. Akane's NOT gonna like this...
(Up on the roof, Ranko heaves a sigh of relief, as her chest slowly stops
its trampoline impression. Ryouga is blinking in confusion.)
Ranko: (panting) Whew...that was close. (smiles at Ryouga) Now, Ryouga-
cutie, we can be alone...(leans over and puts her arms around him)
Ryouga: (panicking) Uhh...scuse me, who...what, I mean...how...
Ranko: What's wrong?
Ryouga: You...not Ranma...but Ranma...you....I'm confused...
Ranko: (blinks, then blushes) Oh, gosh, I'm sorry! I keep forgetting
where I am...(smiles) You don't know me. I'm from the future.
Ryouga: (blinks) The...future?
Ranko: (nods, beaming) Hai! I'm Saotome Ranko. (looks up at him) And
you're that cutie Hibiki Ryouga...you're even cuter young...(leans up and
kisses him, then giggles)
Ryouga: (in between embarrassment and confusion) Saotome...Ranko?
Ranko: Hai!
Ryouga: (narrows his eyes) You SURE you're not Ranma?
Ranko: (blinks) Of course I'm sure I'm not Dad, why?
Ryouga: (blinks many times) D...DAD!? (Ranko nods) Ranma...is your dad?
Ranko: Yep. And he doesn't let me have any fun. (gives Ryouga a pouty
look)
Ryouga: (eyes narrow) What's your idea of fun?
Ranko: (grins like a wolf that just found a lame chicken) Let me...show
you...
(Ryouga eeps as Ranko slides her arms around him and kisses him
passionately. He struggles and it looks like his nose is going to
fountain, then he slowly gives in and puts his arms around Ranko. She
breaks the kiss and looks up at him with longing in her eyes. She reaches
down...)
(...suddenly her hands are behind her back, clasped by the wrists in an
unbreakable grip. Ryouga scampers backward away from the struggling Ranko
as she is hauled to her feet by an angry-looking, cold-eyed Ranma.)
Ranma: Thought I might find you two on some roof.
Ranko: (fake weak smile) D..dad! How nice to see you...
Ranma: Save it. We're going home, NOW. (Ranko hangs her head and murmurs
agreement. Ranma fixes a glare on Ryouga) Ryouga, here's some advice:
stay AWAY from my daughter, got it?
Ryouga: (is about to snap an insult but looks into Ranma's eyes and
decides against it, gulping) H...hai. Don't worry. I wouldn't think of
doing anything with Ranko. I'll be...uhh...getting lost now, yeah. (gets
up and takes off.)
Ranko: Dad no baka...
Ranma: Quiet, you. We'll discuss this at home. (leaves, keeping an iron
grip on Ranko.)
(End credits theme: "Detachable Penis" (John Bobbitt Mix))
To be continued...