[Ranma][Fanfic] The SPAM Files

[Gary Kleppe]

THE

SSSSSS PPPPPP AA MM MM
SS SS PPPPPPP AAAA MMM MMM
SS PP PP AA AA MMMMMMMM
SSS PP PP AA AA MM MM MM
SSSSS PPPPPP AA AA MM MM
SSS PPPPP AAAAAAAA MM MM
SS PP AAAAAAAA MM MM
SS SS PP AA AA MM MM
SSSSSS PP AA AA MM MM

FILES

by Gary Kleppe

INTRODUCTION: WHAT THE HECK IS THIS ANYWAY?

This is not a single fanfiction, but a collection of ten mostly humorous
shorts ("spamfics"). Some are meant satirically while others are just
silly. They are basically unrelated to one another; read some, all, or
none of them as you like. If you liked this or have any comments, please
let me know! I can be reached at kle...@execpc.com. I also usually lurk
on rec.arts.anime.fandom and alt.fan.r-takahashi, so comments may be
posted to either of those groups as well.

CONTENTS:

I) ANOTHER BAD CROSSOVER IDEA: See if you can guess just WHAT this is a
crossover with before the end.

II) HIROVIS AND DAIS-HEAD: A fusion. Ranma's high school buddies as
MTV's favorite cartoon morons. (Warning: Contains B&B-style
vulgarities.)

III) TOP TEN FICS THAT I WOULD NEVER WRITE: A list of fic titles that
IMO should never be written.

IV) SHORTEST FANFIC EVER: Nuff said.

V) SHORTEST FICS EVER: THE TITLES: Titles for some fanfics that would be
over fairly quickly.

VI) THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD: THE BLOOPERS: Written for Terence
Fergusson's Great Fanfiction Bloopers page. A look at the making of my
first fic, and some of the times when things went wrong.

VII) "NAME THAT FIC" QUIZ: Not humor, but a list of quotes from various
fics (by various authors) in the RAAC archives. Can you identify them
all? The answers are at the end of the SPAM files.

VIII) THEY NEVER LISTEN: A humorous shortfic based on the story from the
Ramna manga of how a statue of Ashura supposedly created the Jusenkyo
pool that Rouge fell into. Someone tries to recreate the effect.

IX) BARNEY MEETS AZUSA: A very short and silly piece where a children's
show features an unusual guest.

X) AKANE THE PSYCHOTIC MANIAC (A PARODY): A spoof on "Bitter End" and
other fics, ones in which Akane Tendo is portrayed as mindlessly violent
everytime she's around Ranma.

The characters of Ranma 1/2 are the creation of and rightful
property of Rumiko Takahashi. They are used here without permission.
This story may be freely redistributed, but it should not be altered
substantially or used for profit in any way. SPAM is the property of the
Hormel Corporation, and should not be used if there's anything better to
eat. :) (Other disclaimers will be made as we go.)

I)
*** Another BAD CROSSOVER IDEA ***

*************

"What's this grave danger you've come to warn us about?" Soun Tendo
asked the bald Chinese man who had just shown up at his dojo.

"Very bad, sirs," said the Jusenkyo Guide to the assemblage of
Saotomes and Tendos. Soun motioned for the Guide to sit.

Kasumi presented the Guide with a cup of tea. "The Guide was saying
that some Gaijin tourists had come to Jusenkyo, father. They had heard
the legends of the place and wanted to see it for themselves. He seems
to think that they unwittingly set some sort of disaster in motion."

"Shouldn't this guy be telling us this instead of Kasumi?" Ranma
wondered aloud.

"The author doesn't feel like writing long passages of exposition
in the Guide's pidgin-speech," answered Nabiki. "Maybe he'll have to
start now, though."

The Guide produced a small, well-worn notebook. "Here, sirs, here
is log book from expedition." That's one way of getting out of it,
thought Nabiki, but for how long? Having the best English reading
comprehension skills of the group, she picked up the notebook and began
to read.

"'Day one. Arrived at Jusenkyo. This place is huge! I never thought
it would have so many pools! They say some of these pools can turn you
into Superman or into a giant monster or something. The ugly old guy
here is getting on everybody's nerves already. He can barely even speak
English. Just goes on and on about something bad happening or whatever.
He just doesn't want us to find any of the good pools. But how are we
going to know which ones they are if he won't tell us?

"'Day two. George had a good idea for once in his life. He went out
and brought back a box full of white mice. By dunking a mouse in each
pool, we'll be able to see what each pool does without having to jump in
ourselves. I drew a map of one section of the pools and numbered them on
the map.

"'Day three. Shit! It really does work! I put a mouse into pool 1
and out came some sort of roach. The tail disappeared, of course, so I
couldn't hold on to it for examination. Who wants to be a roach anyway?
But this is still unbelievable! This stuff has got to be worth a fortune
back home if we can just find a better pool to use. I thought about how
to dunk the mice and still hang on to them when the tails disappear.
Sheila finally got the idea to use some of the mosquito netting from our
camping gear to make a bag, with a long spoon as a handle.

"'Day four. Dunked a mouse in pool 2. Nothing. Spent an hour or so
examining the mouse for any change. None. Tried pool 3. Looked the same
as 2 at first, until George noticed that the mouse that used to be
female was now male. Why he was paying so much attention to those parts
of the mouse in the first place, I'm not sure. But this is
encouraging.'"

Ryoga spoke up, excited. "Did he write down where that particular
pool was? DID HE?"

"Why are you so interested in that pool, Ryoga?" teased Ranma.

"Because he's trying to help you, Ranma," answered Akane
irritatedly. "Are you that ungrateful that you make fun of him for it?"

"Um, no, sorry" was all Ranma could think to answer.

Nabiki continued translating. "'We spent some time examining the
mouse. Hot water turned it back into a female, and cold water turned it
back to a male. This worked over and over every time we tried it.
Incredible, but I don't suppose anyone could make much money by selling
water that turned you into a man.'" Around here someone certainly could,
Nabiki thought. And Americans are supposed to have such good business
sense...

"Anyway. 'Day five. Dunked mouse in pool 4. The ground I was
standing on crumbled under me and I almost fell in. The mouse turned
into a slug. I was that close to being a slug. Maybe the old guy is
right. The cold water - hot water thing still worked on the mouse-slug.

"'Sheila dunked another mouse in pool 5. Nothing. George tried one
in pool 6. The net broke and there was one of those huge black and white
bears. It got out of the pool and wandered off. Not like we were going
to be able to stop it.

"'Day six. I had a nightmare last night. I dreamed that some...
spirit (is that the right word?) was watching over me. She (it was a
she) laughed at me and told me that we'd get nothing good out of this
place. I guess that old guy is getting to me. But it's starting to look
like maybe he was right. I tried pool 7, the mouse turned into a
minuature black piggy. Who would want to turn into that? George tried
one in pool 8, nothing. George wanted us to take the rest of today off
and get drunk, but I knew if I let him get drunk around the pools he'd
end up staggering into one of them and come out as a slug or something.

"'Day seven. How the hell did it happen? Sheila was putting a
mouse into pool 9 when she slipped and fell in the pool. She's never
been so clumsy. Before we could pull her out she turned into a goddamn
duck. She went berserk and flew out of the pool. Then George, now this
I can believe, tried to catch her and forgot that ducks can fly and he
can't. He ran straight into pool 8, carrying the backpack with all our
food supplies. It turned George into a mouse. Now we know why this pool
didn't do anything to our mouse, it was already a mouse.

"'Day eight. From bad to worse. I'm getting ready to leave. No sign
of Shiela. I pour hot water on the mouse I thought was George, and
nothing happens. I must have gotten them mixed up. I'm getting out of
here. If I stay any longer, it'll be me next. I need food. There's some
kind of primitive village near here. I'm sure they'll give me food,
seeing as how I've brought my gun. It looked like mostly women there.'
That's the last entry. I think we can guess what happened to him."

"It sounds like these fools got what they deserved," said Genma.

"'Fools' is right," said Nabiki. "There must be a hundred ways to
make money with the kind of water they found. Why, you could..." She
stopped, realizing that nobody wanted to hear this.

"Excuse me," Soun Tendo politely asked the Guide, "but didn't you
mention something about a terrible danger? It seems to me like these
three will be in no condition to cause any trouble now."

All eyes turned to the Jusenkyo Guide. The author has no way out of
it now, thought Nabiki.

"True, sirs, but what dey did in Jusenkyo will have very grave
consequences," he said, slurring his "r"'s in a way that the author
couldn't figure out a way to transliterate. "Pools dey call 2 and 5 dey
t'ink have no effect, but dey wrong. Most Jusenkyo water store physical
form of whoever first immerse in it. Some water a little different,
store mental properties. Pool 2 is pool where many year ago simple
village idiot drown in. That no problem. But pool 5 very bad. That one
spring of drowned genius. Most brilliant man in China drowned in dat
spring nine hundred year ago. Mouse now have mind of brilliant genius!"

"So you're tellin' us," said Ranma, "that there's a mouse runnin'
around with a super-genius brain? I don't get it. I mean, even if it's
that smart, how the heck much trouble can a mouse cause?"

*************

In China, two magically-altered mice faced each other.

"What are we going to do tonight, Brain?" said one.

"Same thing we do every night, Pinky," the other replied. "Try to
rule the world!"

*************

In Milwakuee, the author looks at this story and thinks about
whether to continue it. "Naaaaaaahhhhhhhhh..." he says.

DISCLAIMER: Pinky and the Brain are the property of the
Time-Warner conglomerate and are used here without permission.

II)

HIROVIS AND DAIS-HEAD

Hiroshi: Check it out, heh heh, that Ranma dude got splashed with
water, and, like, when he got out he had thingies!

Daisuke: Guys don't have thingies, dumbass! Huh huh! Oh yeah. He does
have thingies! Big ones, too!

Hiroshi: I'm gonna splash myself with water and get some big thingies,
heh heh.

Daisuke: You could have hooters the size of Osaka and you still
wouldn't score, butt-munch! Even if you were a chick, I wouldn't do it
with you.

Hiroshi: This is boring. Let's go to Gosunkugi's house and watch
pay-per-view.

Daisuke: Gosunkugi's a wuss, huh huh. Let's find Kuno.

Hiroshi: Yeah! Kuno's cool! He has a big stick, huh huh.

(Happosai bouds out of the girls' locker room, carrying a bag of his
usual. A crowd of angry girls runs after him.)

Daisuke: Whoa! That old dude is COOL!

Hiroshi: Yeah, heh heh. Let's follow him so we can be like him!

Beavis and Butt-head are property of MTV and/or Mike Judge, and
are used here without permission.

III)

LIST OF TOP TEN FICS THAT I WOULD NEVER WRITE

(in no particular order)

1. Sasuke Saves the World
2. Popeye the Sailor Moon
3. Ranma vs. Galactus: Don't Eat my Planet, Ya Big Jerk!
4. Kasumi's Lemon Sex Orgy
5. Plan Lum from Outer Space
6. Oh My Judeo-Christian God
7. Ranma vs. Toonces
8. Nabiki Loves Sasuke
9. Anybody Else Loves Sasuke
10. Mrs. Ichinose's Lemon Sex Orgy

IV)

SHORTEST FANFIC EVER

The End.

V)

SHORTEST FANFICS EVER: THE TITLES

1. The Joy of Akane's Cooking
2. The Terrible Power of Gosunkugi
3. Free Things you can get from Nabiki
4. Kodachi: The Tender Moments
5. Kosaku Hatanaka Follows a Diet
6. The Sober Moments of Mrs. Ichinose
7. Ukyo Gives Up Cooking
8. Ranma's Search for Female Companionship
9. Mermaids' Death
10. Yotsuya: The Autobiography

VI)

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD -- THE BLOOPERS

(Reel 1)

(The fic that these scenes are from is in the RAAC archive, and at
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html#tgtn . More fanfiction
bloopers can be found at
http://www.isla-mia.demon.co.uk/bloopers/main.html .)

PROLOGUE

(The scene is somewhere in rural China. It is a desolate, mountainous
area. A caption reads "Rural China, several months ago". A young man,
somewhat thin in shabby peasant clothes, is standing as if waiting for
something. He spots it, namely an ordinary-looking young woman. They
run toward each other as if about to embrace each other. They have
lovesick expressions on their faces.)

Man: Chu Mai!

Woman: Yu Ren! (They embrace and kiss each other.) {You came!}

Man: Huh huh huh huh huh she said "came"...

Director: CUT! I hate working with guest actors...

PART 1 SCENE 2

Ranma: No problem. I can take care of this thing right now. (He grabs
the food that Akane had been trying to force on him earlier.)

Akane: Where are you going with that?

Ranma: To flush it down the toilet. If there's a creature in the
sewers, this'll kill it for sure.

(Suddenly Kodachi bounds in from nowhere)

Kodachi: HOHOHOHAHAHAHEEHEEHEEHAHAHA!!!!! (Her ribbon snags Akane's
cooking) You need not fear this evil confection, Ranma darling!

Director: CUT! Kodachi, you're not supposed to be in this fic!

Kodachi: Where my dearest Ranma goes, I go!

PART 2 SCENE 2

Ranma: Take a look at this picture. This is Ranma Saotome. He'll
probably be around here now and again. He's my, uh, my fiance. So if
you see him around my room at odd times or anything, it's OK.

Director: CUT! Doesn't anyone read the stage directions? Ranma is
supposed to be FEMALE in this scene!!!

Ranma: D'Oh!

PART 3 SCENE 2

Shampoo: Ni hao!

Ranma: Shampoo! What the heck are you doing here?

Shampoo: Shampoo bring breakfast! Hot dumplings and tea!

Ranma: An empty plate? (Turns around) MR YOTSUYA!!

Yotsuya: A delectable meal. My compliments young lady.
Director: CUT!

(Nozumu Nikaido is seen off to one side)

Nikaido: Excuse me, but I'm having trouble following this. Is Shampoo
Ranma's girlfriend?

Shampoo: No. Shampoo Ranma's wife!

Nikaido: Oh. Then what about Akane?

Director: Akane is Ranma's fiancee.

Nikaido: Then Ranma and Akane are in love?

Ranma & Akane: NO!!

Director: Somebody please get another plate of food...

PART 3 SCENE 2

Shampoo: Ni hao!

Ranma: Shampoo! What the heck are you doing here?

Shampoo: Shampoo bring breakfast! Hot dumplings and tea! (Ranma starts
eating and immediately collapses)

Shampoo: Ranma! What wrong!

(Kodachi bounds down again)

Kodachi: HOHOHOHAHA! I was only too glad to supply the prop people
with some of my special food!

Director: CUT!

(Kodachi glomps Ranma; Shampoo and Akane start pulling her off)

Nikaido: I'VE GOT IT! Ranma is in love with MANAGER KYOKO!! Right?

All: NO!!!!!!!!!

The characters of Maison Ikkoku are property of Rumiko
Takahashi, and are used here without permission.

VII)

"NAME THAT FIC" QUIZ

The following are verbatim lines from ten different fics. The puzzle
is to identify the fics. They are a mixture of script and prose, and
range from the well-known to the obscure. All are in the
rec.arts.anime.creative archive at ftp://ftp.cs.ubc.ca , and no two
share the same author. Once you've identified some, you may notice
other things about the particular choice or arrangement of fics that
will help you get the rest.

I've tried to pick unique lines, but I can't guarantee that a line
might be in more than one fic.

1) Do you know the air velocity of an unladen swallow?

2) And P-Chan ran away from Azusa's house today, right?

3) Don't worry. He's probably around somewhere. He'll be okay.
Let's just hope the bears don't eat him.

4) Y'know, I bet that eternal life stuff ain't all it's cracked up to
be.

5) Ah, my boy, practicing up on your arts?

6) Right now, Ranma, time is the one thing we have in abundance.

7) Martial Arts NET-SURFING?!?!?!?!?!!?

8) Ladies only, gotcha? You wouldn't be interested in the show.

9) You've returned to me, like General Patton only much prettier! My
heart swells with joy!

10) Remember: never Never *NEVER* use the bus when the mall has just
closed!

The lines above are property of their various authors, and are
used here without permission.

VIII)

THEY NEVER LISTEN
a not-all-that-tragic story

Working as the Guide, you never knew who you would meet next. That was
part of the fun of the job.

The man and the woman appeared to be forty-ish. They both had light
brown hair, and their white skin looked like it had been severely
sunburnt. Average build, pretty much typical-looking westerners. A
Chinese boy tailed behind them, toting a pair of suitcases. "Is this the
cursed... is this Jusenkyo?" the man struggled to ask in Chinese.

"That right," the Guide answered in English. She used deliberately poor
diction; though she was capable of much better English, people had come
to expect the pidgin-speech. "More than one hundred spring here, each
have own tragic legend!"

"Is this where Ranma Saotome started out?" the woman asked.

"Yes. More than ten year ago, he come here and fall in pool. He now
famous martial arts fighter. But you no can become martial artist by go
in pools here."

"You are the Jusenkyo Guide?" The man looked at the slim young woman,
dressed plainly, with her long black hair tied into a braid hanging down
her back, and consulted a book. "It says in here that you're a pudgy,
bald man."

"Oh, that father. I take over job from him. My name is Lizi."

"Lizi," the woman said, looking in another book. "Doesn't that mean
'ruffian' or 'riff-raff'?"

** PREPARE FOR FLASHBACK!! **

"That word is PIzi. My name mean the fruit 'plum'. Maybe you call me by
English word 'Plum'."

"Pleased to meet you, Plum. We're looking for a particular spring that
you probably know about." The man took out a photograph and showed it to
Plum.

** FLASHBACK AHEAD! ONLY ONE MORE PARAGRAPH! **

"Oh, yes. This picture of American actor from ten years ago. Dirk
Peters. I know spring you mean, this one," she said, pointing. "Father
tell me very tragic story of this pool..."

________________________________________________________________________
|**********************************************************************|
|***********(Woo hoo!!)********************************(Hooray!)*******|
|**********************************************************************|
|***************** B E G I N F L A S H B A C K *****************|
|**********************************************************************|
|**********************************************************************|
|______(Yay!)________________________________________(Ding! Ding!)_____|

"Sir, this dangerous place. You need be careful," the Guide said. He
could tell the boy wasn't listening to him. They never listen until it's
too late.

The boy was thin and scrawny, with deep bags under his beady eyes. "Set
that down right here," he said to the two local youths behind him. They
carried some large object with a sheet tied around it.

"My name is Hikaru Gosunkugi," the boy said. "I need to find one of your
springs that is fresh, I mean one that nothing has drowned in."

"There one here. But why you want that?'

"I've heard the story of the Ashura-niquan. A statue of the goddess
Ashura was dropped into one of these springs, and because of it the
spring later turned that girl Rouge into an actual Ashura. I'm tired of
being the kind of guy that a woman doesn't give a second look to."

"You want become Ashura? Very bad idea, sir."

"Oh no. But I realized what that meant. That I could use a statue of
something to change myself into that thing. Take a look at this."
Gosunkugi untied a knot and pulled away the sheet to reveal a carving of
a handsome muscular man. "This is Dirk Peters. He's a weightlifter and
actor. Women all over are crazy about him. This is what I want to look
like!"

"Oh, sir, we don't know for sure that it work like that. Maybe statue
contain spirit of real Ashura. Or could have been real Ashura that
drowned in that spring. Whoever said it was a statue maybe be mistake,
or story could changed over time. Many religious group want you to
believe Ashura never real. They maybe make story that it only statue. I
not want you make mistake."

"I spent my life savings to do this. I'm going through with it!"
Gosunkugi pushed the carving into the pool. Minutes later, he dove in
after it.

________________________________________________________________________
|**********************************************************************|
|***********(Much Rejoicing!)**************************(Whee!)*********|
|**********************************************************************|
|****************** E N D F L A S H B A C K ********************|
|**********************************************************************|
|**********************************************************************|
|______(Bwee!)____________________________________(Thanks for coming!)_|

"Yes, that's the same story we heard," the man said. "I've always been a
big fan of Dirk Peters. My wife, an even bigger one. We thought,
wouldn't it be great if I could look like him after a splash of cold
water."

"It would be exciting," the woman said, stroking her husband's hair.
"Especially in bed!"

"Wait!" Plum said. "I haven't finished my tragic --"

The man stepped to the edge of the pool. "Geronimo!" he yelled as he
dove in.

The man crawled out of the pool, no longer looking as he did. He was now
a scrawny young Asian man, with deep bags under his eyes.

"Oh, too bad. You fall in Gosunkugi-niquan!" Plum said, trying not to
smirk. She'd given them a chance, but they didn't listen. None of them
ever listened until it was too late. That was the real fun of the job.

END

______________________________________________________________

Author's note: I've never understood why people explicitly announce
flashback scenes, but I thought I'd try it here. Lest you think that I'm
getting weird, I should remind you that I've always been weird. :P

Dirk Peters is property of... uh, nevermind.

IX) BARNEY MEETS AZUSA

[Scene: Barney on stage with his four little kids.]

Barney: Hi, kids! Hyuk hyuk Today we have a VERY special guest! Hyuk
Please welcome skating sensation Azusa Shiratori hyuk hyuk!

[Enter Azusa]

Azusa: Hello!

Barney: Azusa is here to teach us about sharing! Kids, it's twice the
fun when you share with others hyuk hyuk! For example, this Barney doll,
that your mom and dad can order from us for only...

Azusa: Bernadette! [grabs doll] Oh, you're so cute!!

Barney: Maybe Azusa hyuk hyuk would like to share that Barney doll with
some of our friends here?

Azusa: No!! Bernadette is MINE!

Barney: Well, I've got something to share with you, Azusa! This pair of
hyuk hyuk Barney roller skates! Available from the Barney Shopping
Network's toll free number...

Azusa: I've got something to share with you, Mister Dinosaur!

Barney: Why, that's wonderful! I'll sing a song about it hyuk hyuk! What
is it?

Azusa: It's Azusa's hot water kettle!

Barney: OH NO!!

[The picture is replaced by a 'Please Stand By" screen as the water is
heard splashing.]

One of the kids' voice: Look! Barney's got a --

Announcer's voice: (bad Chinese accent) Spring of drowned purple
dinosaur. Very tragic story.

Barney the Dinosaur is property of... some merchanding company,
I think. Anyway, I have no legal right to use him here.

X) AKANE THE PSYCHOTIC MANIAC (A parody)

"Why, you... "

"OUCH!! Woo woo woo... nyuk nyuk nyuk!"

Ranma sat watching the televison. It was an American comedy show dubbed
into Japanese. The Three Stooges. It was a black and white show, from
many years ago. Ranma wondered what had ever become of the comedians who
made it.

Akane stormed into the room. She was carrying a pot with some slimy
green substance slithering around inside it. She slammed the pot
forcefully onto the table in front of Ranma.

"EAT" Akane said, glaring at Ranma with extreme hostility.

"Uh..." Ranma said.

"What do you mean, 'uh'?!?" Akane said as her mallet crashed down on his
head. "HOW DARE YOU?! <bam!>You *STUPID* <bam!> *INCONSIDERATE* <bam!>
*PERVERTED* <bam!> *SCUM*! <bam!> <bam!> DIE! <bam!> DIE!!" She struck
Ranma repeatedly, punctuating her words with mallet strikes as she beat
her fiance into a bloody pulp.

Oh no, Akane thought as she looked at the bleeding lump of flesh in
front of her. There's something wrong with Ranma? How could this have
happened? What did it mean?

"Ohhh... " Ranma groaned, his consciousness starting to return.

"I'M TRYING TO THINK!!!" Akane screamed, bashing Ranma again and again
with her mallet. "SHUT UP!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> HOW can you <bam!> be
so <bam!> THOUGHTLESS <bam!> and INCONSIDERATE <bam!> TIME <bam!> AND
TIME <bam!> AGAIN<bam!> <bam!> ??"

Oh, no! Not again?!? Ranma was hurt! A thought dawned on Akane. Could
she have had something to do with this?

It couldn't be. She couldn't have been turned into a mindless
one-dimensional character. She had internal dialog! That proved it! Oh,
why did she do it? How could she help her Ranma now?

"A... Akane..."

"SHUT UP!! <bam!> <bam!> DIE!! <bam!> DIE!! <bam!> <bam!> MAIM!! <bam!>
KILL!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> " Akane struck,
her mallet pounding down again and again until Ranma was reduced to his
basic atomic and molecular components. Then she did the same for the
house.

Oh, what have I done, she thought...

Then she noticed she was being watched. It was a man, an older man with
white skin, and a haircut not unlike hers.

"It's happened again, hasn't it," the man said.

"Who are you?!" Akane snapped.

"The name's Moses Harry Horwitz, but you can call me Moe. I used to be a
comedian. Me and my buddies, we used to make people laugh by slapping
each other around. Every time I'd hit Curly in the head with a hammer,
boy, those audiences would laugh, let me tell you.

"Then something changed. Suddenly Curly was actually getting hurt when
I'd hit him. He lost an eye when I poked him. I couldn't stop. I bashed
him over the head with a wrench and gave him a concussion. Still, I
couldn't stop.

"Larry tried to stop me. He turned out to be a really nice guy, with no
particular inclination toward violence at all. He tried to get Curly
away from me, but it was no use. I... I ended up killing them both. The
other two, Shamp -- I mean Shemp, and Kochi Joe or whatever his name
was, they were nowhere to be found. Oh God, when I think about it, the
horror..."

"Oh, you poor man," Akane cried. "Oh no. How could I have done such a
thing!!!! Ranma!! I'll never see your smile again, never hear you laugh,
never touch your hand in mine!"

"I'm sorry," Moe said. "If there's anything I can do..."

"Could..." Akane said, her voice choking on tears, "could I pretend that
you're Ranma? Just to have him back for a moment to say goodbye?"

Moe nodded in assent.

"Then DIE!!!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> MAIM!!! <bam!> KILL!!! <bam!> <bam!>
KILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <bam!> <bam!> <bam!>
<bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!>
<bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!>
<bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!>
<bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!> <bam!>"

THE END

The Three Stooges are nobody's property, as they were real
people. Nevertheless, I have no legal right to use them here. Nyuk nyuk!

APPENDIX: "Name that fic" quiz answers:

1) Do you know the air velocity of an unladen swallow?
Elseworlds #2, John Walter Biles

2) And P-Chan ran away from Azusa's house today, right?
Juyza's Lyric, Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne

3) Don't worry. He's probably around somewhere. He'll be okay.
Let's just hope the bears don't eat him.
Ranma Meets ???????, Ed Hrzic

4) Y'know, I bet that eternal life stuff ain't all it's cracked up to
be.
There Goes the Neighborhood, Gary Kleppe (me)

5) Ah, my boy, practicing up on your arts?
Thy Inward Love, Richard Lawson

6) Right now, Ranma, time is the one thing we have in abundance.
Sunrise Chronicles, Nicholas Leifker

7) Martial Arts NET-SURFING?!?!?!?!?!!?
The Long Hard Road, George Mori

8) Ladies only, gotcha? You wouldn't be interested in the show.
Kasumi's Story, Karl Rim

9) You've returned to me, like General Patton only much prettier! My
heart swells with joy!
Ranma Jijou, Dov Sherman

10) Remember: never Never *NEVER* use the bus when the mall has just
closed!
We're Here to Help You, Sebastian Weinberg, from the Revengefic
challenge

Note that these were all stories featuring Ranma 1/2 characters, and
the author names were in alphabetical order. Once again, the lines above
are property of their respective authors.

Gary Kleppe
kle...@execpc.com, Home page http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe
My fanfics and the FFML map are on my comics/manga page,
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics