[Ranma][FanFic] Those Who Can't

[Scott Jamison]

This is based on an idea put out on the FFML by Matthew Campbell, so
it's respectfully dedicated to him.

Send comments and such to ma...@cyberx.com or if they're really
interesting comments, cross-post them to rec.arts.anime.fandom.

THOSE WHO CAN'T
by Scott K. Jamison
(Note: Ranma 1/2 and its associated characters created by Rumiko
Takahashi, and no infringement is intended.)

_Sometime after the end of Vol. 38_

Genma Saotome relaxed with a nice hot cup of tea. It sure was quiet
around the Dojo with Ranma and his mother off on their trip to...wherever
they'd gone. Ranma had made all his fiancees promise they wouldn't
follow him, and to make sure, Nodoka hadn't told her husband so he
wouldn't spill the beans.
The girls had decided to keep an eye on each other to make sure none
of them stole a march, and none of the usual male challengers appeared to
be in town.
Yep. Nice and quiet. Couldn't possibly last. So Genma savored his
tea.
Ah, here came Akane. The pensive look she'd had earlier in the
morning was replaced by her determined (but not angry) look.
"Good day, Uncle Saotome."
"Good morning, Akane."
"I was thinking," Genma shifted uneasily when he heard this, women
thinking always meant trouble for him, "while Ranma's away, why don't you
train me?" Akane smiled, that sunny one Genma suspected Ranma loved.
"Train you? Why? You're not my student."
"No, but since Ranma is gone, you've got some spare time, right?
Can't spend it all at the shogi board. It's not like you have to teach
me any secret techniques (like I was *really* impressed with the Wolf
Fang or Crouching Tiger), just help me expand my repertoire a bit."
Akane was sounding unusually reasonable, which was not lost on Genma.
"You don't need to improve your martial arts. Ranma will run the
dojo when you're married." There, see how that went down.
Akane frowned, but pressed onwards. "Ranma won't be here all the
time. With all the crazies we get here, I want to be able to defend
myself. (And just once I'd like to swat Shampoo like a bug...)"
Genma gave it some thought, a process that took time. Akane wasn't
really a *bad* martial artist, and she could learn, she just had
appalling combat luck, and with Ranma around, there was really no point
in training her. But Ranma wasn't around, as she'd pointed out. And he
could use some light exercise to stay in shape for his son's return.
*And* she hadn't immediately blown her top at the topic of marriage,
so she deserved a reward.
"Very well. For this week only, I will train you."
"Thanks! You won't regret it." Akane rushed off to get her gi.

_A Week Later_

Ranma sighed in relief. It was good to be home (for such the Tendou
Dojo was to him) again. Sure, it had been nice to spend some quality
time alone with his mother, but the woman could be awfully intense.
A familiar face greeted him at the door.
"Hi Akane!"
"Hi, Ranma, how was the trip?"
"Oh, pretty good, talked a lot, fought some guy who thought a gun
from ambush would actually work on a martial artist." He'd looked so
surprised when Ranma plucked the bullets out of the air with bare hands.
Must have been new to Japan.
"Wanna spar?" What, already?
"Uh, guess so."
"I've been practicing!" Oh, like that was going to do her any good.

_Several Minutes Later_

"*Fight* me, dammit!"
Ranma dodged another strike, barely. Akane had improved a *lot* in
the last week. Only the wide gap in their starting skills was allowing
Ranma to stay ahead of her. Already, this match had gone minutes longer
than their usual.
Finally, Ranma managed to flip Akane on her back to end the
sparring. "Geez, Akane, what happened?"
"I've been training with your father while you were away."
"Pops? Why would he train a clumsy, slow girl like *urk*!"
"Because I asked, baka," Akane replied, removing her fist from his
gut.
"It's true," confirmed Genma, popping in from the doorway. "The
first day, she seemed hopeless, but as the week went on, Akane showed
considerable progress. You know, if you're to take over the dojo, you'll
need to practice teaching. Why don't you start training Akane?"
Since his father had thought of it, there must be something wrong
with the idea. But Ranma couldn't think of what it could be, besides
another attempt to get him to marry Akane soon, and Pops wasn't subtle
enough for that. So he said "Sure, for all the good it'll do."

_Two Weeks Later_

"You're hopeless, Akane! Why did I ever agree to this stupid
training idea in the first place?"
"I don't know. I thought if maybe you trained me seriously, I could
finally move off the bottom of the ladder around here. But you've done
nothing but harass and insult me! Why can't you just teach me anything,
Ranma?"
Souun frowned. This training idea was not working out. If
anything, Ranma and Akane were getting along worse than they had even a
month ago. And Akane's martial skills had not improved a bit under
Ranma's tutelage. He knew his daughter had a much slower learning curve
than her fiance, but even so, she should have picked up *something*. A
horrible thought crossed Souun's mind, one that he had never considered
before, and he prayed that he was wrong.
"Well, you're a perverte--"
"Ranma! Akane! That will be *enough*!" Souun gave them a touch of
Demon Head just to let them know he was serious.
"Akane, perhaps it would be best if Ranma stopped training you for a
while. Instead, I will train you for a few days. I still have a few
moves you haven't seen yet. Then we will see if you can teach them to
Ranma."
The teenagers looked at him in shock. "*Her* train *me*?" asked
Ranma incredulously.
"Yes. Unless you'd rather see a grown man cry?"
"Um, that won't be necessary, Daddy. I'd be glad to learn something
from you again."
Ranma nodded. "Uh, sure, Mr. Tendou, less wear and tear on those
tear glands."
Souun smiled. That threat always got them. Thank goodness for that
Prozac prescription Kasumi had finally persuaded him to try.

_Four Days Later_

"That's amazing! (And a little irritating...) It took me two days
of intense practice to get that maneuver down, and you learned it in
fifteen minutes!"
Ranma smirked at Akane. "It was easy. You explained it good
enough, and you know I can pretty much pick up a technique by seeing it
once."
Genma roared, and held up a sign reading, [That's my boy!]
"So, Ranma, you would say Akane's teaching was effective?" asked
Souun.
"Naw, I'm just a fast learner, is all. I could learn stuff from
anyone," Ranma drawled.
"Perhaps. But can you teach it?" Souun decided another experiment
was in order. "There are two beginners' classes starting next week here
at the Dojo. I want each of you to assist with one for a month."
"Whoa! That's more of a work load than you've had since I've been
here. No problemo, though, I can whip them into shape for you."
Akane said, "I'd be honored to help you, Father. Are you sure
you're up to it?"
"Don't worry about me, children. This is your chance to show me
what you've learned."

_One Month Later_

Ranma and Akane sat impatiently waiting for Souun to finish his tea.
He'd said he'd have something important to say, and not about the
engagement, for a change.
"Well?" asked Ranma, "You just going to have us wait around all
day?"
Souun set down his tea. "Very well. I have observed your
performance as you two helped me with my classes. I am proud to say that
both of you tried very hard, and showed an interest.
"Akane, I'll remind you again that what you did to that Antonama boy
was wrong."
"He was trying to grope me!" shot back his daughter.
"Nevertheless, the sensei should never strike the pupil except as
part of training. You simply hit him in anger, and he learned nothing."
Akane snapped, "You never complained about me hitting Ranma or
Kunou!"
"They are not your students. When you become a sensei, you move
into a different relationship. But other than that incident, you
performed quite well for never having taught before, and your students
showed visible progress over the month." Souun smiled as his daughter's
face brightened.
"Ranma, I'm afraid the same is not true of you. None of the pupils
you assisted showed any improvement, and several of them have given up
martial arts entirely."
"Hey! They were a bunch of losers! Good riddance!" defended Ranma.
Souun sighed. "It is true none of them had much potential or talent
in the martial arts, but they were no less so than the class Akane
helped. I'm sorry to say that you don't seem to have much of a future as
a sensei."
"WHAT? I'm the best martial artist around! I can lick anybody with
one arm tied behind my back! I'm gonna be a great sensei!"
"Ranma, your martial skills are not in question here. Your ability
to pass them on to others is. Akane has shown this ability, and you have
not. I am removing you from your assistant position, effective
immediately." Souun noted that Akane looked rather smug. He'd have to
talk to her privately. Preferably before his Prozac wore off.
"This *sucks*! I can teach just as good as she can, and I'll prove
it!" Ranma stormed out the door.

_An Hour Later_

Ukyou fried up another of her specials. Ranma swallowed it without
a moment's hiatus in his fuming. Ukyou thought he might be hot enough to
cook okonomiyaki on himself.
"So what's the problem? Akane finally found something she's better
at than you are that actually matters. Good for her!" Ukyou tossed a
few orders to Konatsu, who sent them to their proper places.
"You don't get it? If I can't teach martial arts, how'm I gonna
make a living?" Ranchan was such a silly sometimes!
"Don't be silly, Ranchan, you'll always have a job here at the
restaurant once we get married." Ukyou gave him her best comforting
smile and put more food on his plate. For some reason, he was sweating.
"Uh, Ucchan, I...I...I want to try training you!" That was a
surprise.
"You sure, hon?"
"I figger Akane and those losers in the beginners' class just didn't
have the right attitude. I bet I can teach you a few moves though. You
game?"
"Well..." If nothing else, it would give her some time when Ranma
was focusing on her for a change. Ukyou could certainly use that!
"Okay. Start tomorrow after school?"
"Sure!"

_Five Days Later_

"Ranma you *jackass*!"
#THWANG#
Ranma removed Ukyou's spatula from his head. Man, she had a temper.
He wondered why he always seemed to forget that between times. Maybe
because Akane's was worse.
"Ranchan, we've been at this almost a week, and the only thing I've
learned is what an insensitive jerk you are! I have half a mind to call
off the engagement." Ukyou punctuated her statement by spiking her giant
spatula into the ground.
"Hey, I'm doin' the best I can here!"
"And it's not good enough. Ranchan, face it, you're about as good a
teacher as Akane is a cook. Worse, actually. At least she can come up
with something edible once in a while."
Ranma took his frustration out on one of the training dummies he'd
set up. Its head exploded in a cloud of dust.
"Dammit, this can't be happening! I'm good at everything!"
"Oh, come on, Sugar. You know that ain't true. How's your
English?"
"Da Sukai Esu Bruu...uh, not so hot. But everything important!"
"I got the dinner rush to cook for. See you round, Ranchan." Ukyou
waved, picked up her spatula, and leapt off.
"Fine then! I'll find someone else to teach!" Then again...maybe
he was going about this wrong. After all, most of his training came from
his father, and Genma's methods were often dubious. Maybe, Ranma
thought, he'd be better off learning teaching methods from someone
slightly smarter.

_A Few Hours Later_

Ranma and Akane sat at a corner booth in the Nekohanten. Shampoo
was apparently out on a delivery. With any luck, they could finish their
business before she got back.
Cologne pogoed over to their table. "Well, well, groom, what brings
you by today?"
"I need some help. And don't call me groom, ya old ghoul."
"And what is she here for?" asked Cologne, ignoring the insult and
pointing her staff at Akane.
"To mallet me in the head if Shampoo glomps me," replied Ranma.
"For moral support," replied Akane simultaneously, and meaning the
same thing.
"I see," said Cologne without a trace of sarcasm. "What is the
nature of your problem?"
Ranma explained. "So, since you've had the most experience teaching
of anyone I know ('cept maybe Happosai, and I sure as Hell ain't askin'
him), could you train me to be a sensei?"
Cologne stared impassively at him for a minute. "That is something
I had not considered. After all, your teaching skills are largely
irrelevant to your marriage to Shampoo."
"I ain't marryin' Shampoo!"
"The poor girl is so in love with you, she'd marry you even if you
gave up martial arts and became a (ptui!) street mime. You do realize
that, don't you?"
Ranma suppressed a shudder. "Whatever. Can you help me?"
"It's worth a try, Son-in-law."
"Nihao!" came a cheery voice before Ranma could retort.
"Sh-Shampoo!" groaned Ranma, bracing for pain.

_Three Days Later_

"Well, Son-in-law, I must say I've seldom seen anyone with less
potential as a teacher." Cologne took a long draw on her pipe.
"Don't...call me...Son-in-law..." mumbled Ranma from his supine
position on the ground. "An' I'm not givin' up."
"Oh, if you work very hard, and keep at it, you might eventually
grasp the rudiments of teaching. But you'll never be a good sensei.
Certainly I'm not going to waste any more time trying to train you in it.
Come back when you want to learn a combat technique. That you're suited
for."
Ranma thought of protesting again, but decided not to waste his
breath. Maybe Ryouga would know something? He'd trained Akane in Combat
Gymnastics, after all.

_Two Weeks Later_

"Sorry, Ranma, I can't help you. You either got it or you don't."
Ryouga turned back to cleaning the barn.
"I took all this time to find you, and that's all you can tell me!?"
"Not my fault you didn't think of calling Akari first," Ryouga
shrugged.
"Just so this trip wasn't a total waste, wanna spar?"

_A Week Later_

Ranma couldn't believe he was reduced to this.
"Okay, how about a Triple Palooza Space Mountain Sundae with extra
sprinkles? But that's my final offer."
"Okay! Yay! Ice cream!" The little girl in the yellow dress
bounced up and down in her seat.
Ranma ordered, and the waitress brought the budget (and diet)
busting concoction.
"So, Miss Hinako, can I ask you something?"
"No, you may not press my points again, you naughty boy." She stuck
her fudge-coated tongue out at him.
"Naw, that's not it. What I need to know is, how'd you get to be a
teacher?"
"Well, four years in a standard college with an education major, two
more years at a teacher's postgrad school, and a year as a trainee
teacher is what I needed to get my certification."
That seemed like an awful long haul to Ranma. Especially since he
just wanted to teach a few kicks and chops, not Shakespeare.
"Seven years. Wow. So was it worth it?"
"Oh, every minute. But you really have to have some aptitude for
teaching in the first place, or you shouldn't even start."
Ranma glumly watched Miss Hinako finish her dessert.

_Later That Night_

The Tendou and Saotome families gathered for a council. Mr. Tendou
reviewed the circumstances. "Since it now appears Ranma will never be
able to become a sensei--"
"Hey!" Ranma protested. "I'll get the hang of it. After all,
Akane learned to cook...eventually...mostly...sorta."
Akane decided it was still the nicest thing he'd ever said about her
cooking, and kissed him anyways.
"As I was saying," Souun continued, "while our family fully intends
to honor the marriage promise, whichever of my daughters you choose,
Akane will be the one to inherit the dojo and be its sensei."
"Wait a minute. Since when do I get a choice of daughters?" Ranma
asked, baffled.
"Since now. While you were expected to take over the dojo, we
ignored certain other factors. But it's no secret you and Akane haven't
always gotten along well. Perhaps Kasumi or Nabiki would be more
suitable. I have also consulted with your parents," Souun nodded to
Genma and Nodoka, "and should you choose to marry Miss Kuonji instead,
the joining of our families would be put off for one generation."
"Oh, Ranma wants Akane," smiled Kasumi.
"Definitely Akane," agreed Nabiki.
"He'd better want Akane, if he knows what's good for him," growled
the girl in question.
Ranma gulped. "Hooboy. Hey, you're forgettin' something. I'm the
one with all the fancy moves. Akane can't teach them if she doesn't know
'em, right? And if she's not learnin' them from me--"
"We'll have to make arrangements for her to learn from someone else,
won't we?" retorted Souun. He loved the control Prozac had given him
over his emotions, and who needed a sex drive, anyway?

_Four Days Later_

"*Sperm!?*"
"Yep, that's what Cologne wants, all right," admitted Ranma,
blushing furiously.
Akane was livid. "You can't actually be thinking of giving it to
her, can you? You pervert!"
"I ain't going to do *that* with her!" The very thought made
Ranma's stomach turn. "I just go down to the clinic, in a room *by
myself* with maybe a couple of girlie magazines, and, uh, produce
samples. No contact with women at any time. Doc Toufuu says it's all
very clean and efficient these days.
"This way, Cologne gets what she wants, some of my `genetic
potential' to add to her tribe, and we get what we want, training for
you."
Akane calmed down a bit. "Shampoo isn't going to like this, you
know."
"Kamisama, do I know. She was screaming bloody murder when she
heard. There are times I am really really glad I don't know much
Chinese. The old ghoul thinks she can bring her around though. Some
kind of loophole in the Amazon laws." Ranma grinned. "Besides, it's
still better than what Happosai wanted."
"What was that?"
"You'll sleep better at night if you don't know."

_Ten Years Later_

"NO! You may *not* take Tenma on a training voyage!" Akane's voice
hadn't gotten any less loud over the years.
"But, Honey--"
"Don't you `Honey' me! I remember that little camping trip you took
him on when he was six. The one when you decided it was time to start
teaching him how to be `a man among men'?"
"But it worked out okay in the end, didn't it?" asked Ranma
defensively.
"Okay? OKAY? The poor boy was so traumatized, it took me a month
to get Tenma to not want to grow up to be Kasumi!"
"But he looked kinda cute in that little apron, you got to admit
that."
"Ooh! Ranma, you are such an idiot! Look, you do a lot of things
around here. You cook, clean, sew, *and* save the world on alternate
Thursdays. You just have to accept that you're no good at teaching.
That's my job."
"You are *so* uncute," retorted Ranma, falling back on old
standards.
"Well, you know what they say. Those who can't teach, criticize."

THE END

Hope you enjoyed it!

SKJAM!
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