[Ranma][FanFic] Daigakusei no Ukyou: As You Like It - Episode #11
Saotome Ranma
I've been searching to find
What makes me try again
But I don't see the connection
Between love and a man
I'm looking for a missing person
One that I used to know
There was one of two
That was me and you
But now there's a new place to go
Help me find my way
Please God don't let me go
'Cause I'm still looking
Looking for that missing person I oughta know
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
| Daigakusei no Ukyou: As You Like It |
| |
| Created by David Tai, Paul Gallegos, |
| John Walter Biles and Jeff Hosmer |
| |
| Based on the characters created by Rumiko Takahashi |
+-----------------------------------------------------------+
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Episode 11: "The Replacement Grillers"
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[We see Ranma and Akane in the school cafeteria, eating lunch amongst the
crowds students there. The people that aren't seated are constantly on
the move, and the people that are seated are generating enough noise to
make the cafeteria far from peaceful and quiet.]
Ranma: [picking at his lunch] So, uh, how was your day?
Akane: [eyes narrowing] It was fine, until rehearsal.
Ranma: Yeah?
Akane: We were in the middle of a scene, when some of the props started
to fall down on us!
Ranma: [frowning] Someone was trying to hurt you?
Akane: Yeah, some guy in a mask calling himself the Phantom of the
Playhouse. We chased him, and thought we caught him, but
he just knocked Sato out and put the mask on him.
Ranma: [flatly] So you beat the heck outta Sato.
Akane: [embarrassed] We thought he was the Phantom! [looks suspiciously
at Ranma] Saaaay... the Phantom called me ugly and flatchested.
Ranma: [blinking] Hey, waitaminute, I don't do that anymore. It ain't
me.
Akane: [smirking] I know, I know, just joking.
[They continue to eat, though Ranma still looks like he has something to
say. Finally, he speaks again.]
Ranma: Um, Akane?
Akane: Hm?
Ranma: [twiddling his fingers together] Did... er... damn, dunno how to
say this.
Akane: [looking concerned] What? What is it?
Ranma: You'n Ucchan got along okay when we were back home, right?
Akane: [thinking] Well, better than the rest of your other girlfriends,
anyway.
Ranma: Better than... uh huh. [still looking nervous] Did you, er-
[Ranma freezes as he watches Akane eat. She is, at the moment, biting
away at a cucumber. He blushes and begins to sweat.]
Ranma: Er... cucumber...
Akane: Yeah, I love these things. A salad just isn't complete without
them.
Ranma: [a look of disbelief on his face] You... like... er...
Akane: What, you don't like cucumbers?
Ranma: [in a surprisingly loud voice] NO!
[The cafeteria area immediately around them suddenly falls silent, and
everyone stares at the very panicked Ranma.]
Akane: Jeez, if you don't like'em, just say so. The way you're acting,
I'd think your dad tossed you into a pit of starving cucumbers or
something...
Ranma: [thinking] Can't say it. Can't say it. Akane, did you sleep with
Ukyou back in high school? No, can't say it.
Akane: Oh, by the way, I'm going grocery shopping with Ukyou later. Do
you want me to pick up anything?
Ranma: [snaps out of his thoughts] Um... you're sleepi- er- shopping with
Ucchan?
Akane: [raises an eyebrow] I said so, didn't I?
Ranma: For, um, cucumbers?
Akane: [looks contemplative] Now that you mention it, I don't think we
have any more at home. Thanks for reminding me.
Ranma: [smiles nervously] Eh, no problem. Um...
Akane: Something on your mind, Ranma?
Ranma: Did you, er, did you'n Ucchan, er, ever practice...
you and her... I mean...
Akane: [blinks] Well, we're supposed to do it later today.
Ukyou was a harsh teacher, kept making me do it over
and over and... [Ranma stares at her] What?
What'd I say?
Ranma: [frowning] Akane, don'cha think you shoulda told me about this?
Akane: [surprised] What? [annoyed] I was doing it to make you happy,
y'know.
Ranma: [frowning, but blushing] I, er, I think you're good enough
already, okay? You don't havta practice with'er to make
me happy.
Akane: [eyes widening] You... you really think so?
Ranma: [nodding, still blushing] Yeah, I do.
Akane: [leaning forward and giving him a sudden hug] That's great!
Tell you what, I'll show you everything she taught me tonight,
okay?
Ranma: [blinks, then smiles nervously] Um, if that's really what
you want... but no cucumbers, okay?
Akane: [frowns] Aw, but I like them.
Ranma: [nervous smile increases] Y-yeah, but I'd rather, um, do it
without'em, okay?
Akane: [pouts] Well, okay. I've gotta get to class. See you tonight?
Ranma: [still smiling nervously] Yeah! Um, tonight, yeah.
Akane: See you later. [She gives him a kiss on the cheek, then
leaves.]
Ranma: [staring at Akane as she leaves, dazed] This is too weird.
* * *
[Ukyou and Makiko's apartment, evening. Ukyou is still
handcuffed to the bed, a bored look on her face.]
Ukyou: [thinking] This is, without a doubt, the most tedious danger
I've ever been in. If I even get out of-
[She breaks off, hearing the key rattle in the lock of the front
door. After a few seconds, it opens, closes, and a fuming
Ucchan stalks into the room.]
Ucchan: [glaring at her] Hi, honey, I'm home!
[Ucchan leans over and yanks the makeshift gag off of Ukyou's face
violently. Ukyou spits out the bra quickly, then gives a glare at
Ucchan.]
Ukyou: [sweetly] Things not go too well, roomie?
Ucchan: [snarling] Your girl Maki-chan's a wimp, there's not a
gun in the whole damn country, and Akane wouldn't hold still
and die! How's a girl supposed to assassinate someone in this
stupid setup?
Ukyou: [smirking] Guess what, nutcase. You aren't going to.
Akane's a trained martial artist, whereas _you're_ just a sicko
inhabiting an out-of-shape computer major. You haven't got a
snowball's chance in hell.
Ucchan: [grinning] You think so, huh?
Ukyou: [nodding, grinning back] Ayup.
Ucchan: [with mock dismay] Lawks. Land 'O Goshen. If even my
faithful ninja fry cook doubts me, how can I possibly success?
Ukyou: [shrugging] It's true, fruitcake.
Ucchan: [clucking] Tsk tsk, doubting Thomas! You're counting me
out too quick. After all, I managed to chain your cute ass to
that there bed, and you're like a kitchenware Bruce Lee!
Ukyou: [sarcastically] Even Maki-chan can bash a sleeping
opponent over the head. Good luck trying that on Akane. She and
Ranchan [she winces] share a bed.
Ucchan: [face contorting] That's your fault, you dumb little
hick! [she relaxes, grinning] Oh, but guess what! Maki-chan's
computer gweepery was useful after all!
Ukyou: [snorting] What are you gonna do, mailbomb her into
submission?
Ucchan: [grinning ear to ear] Actually, I've just spent the most
interesting afternoon surfing the web.
[She leaps onto the bed, miming riding a surfboard.]
Ucchan: [bad beach-bum accent] Woah! Information! Tubular!
[she lurches forward, still pretending to balance, and drives a
foot into Ukyou's stomach] Cool! Like, stock reports! Daily
news! A-Team fan pages! [voice pitches deep] Ooo! Ah pity da
foo'! [surfer accent returns] Milita pages! The anarchist's
cookbook! Bombmaking recipies! Cowabunga!
[She bellyflops forward, landing on top of Ukyou.]
Ucchan: [locking eyes with Ukyou] Propane-bomb assembly
instructions. Wipeout, man.
Ukyou: [gritting her teeth] You're insane.
Ucchan: [smiling] Yeah. Ain't it cool? Took ya long enough to
catch on. Go on, tell me again how I'll never get away
with this.
Ukyou: You'll never get away with this.
Ucchan: [crowing] WROOOOOOOOONG! [she giggles] I'm in control
here, Ukyou old shoe. I - am - in - con - trol... and you - are
not! Y'know, I'm really tempted to just kill you right now... but
good things come to those who wait.
Ukyou: [frustrated] Either kill me or leave me alone, okay? It
was bad enough being bored to death without having to listen
to some delusional personality fragment's pipe dreams.
Ucchan: [insulted] Well! Just for that, I won't knock you out
before frying you on the grill. And trust me, girlfriend, you
have no friggin' clue what real boredom is like. YOU spend
several months locked up in the hindbrain, see how YOU like it.
[she giggles] Makiko's finding that out right now.
Ukyou: [staring at her] What did you do to her?
Ucchan: [smirking] Same thing you did to me, Chef-Girl-Ar-Dee.
I stuck her in the hindbrain to rot, and threw away the key. But
enough about boring ol' Maki-chan! Wanna screw?
Ukyou: [yelping, squirming] No! Get off!
Ucchan: [lazy grin] Sure? Here, lemme take those uncomfortable
undergarments off...
[She begins to fumble with Ukyou's bra. Ukyou, in sheer
desperation, lunges forward and bites her on the arm. Hard.]
Ucchan: [scrambling away] AAAAAAAAUGH! OW! OWOWOWFUCK!
AUGGGGH!
Ukyou: [mouth full of arm] Mmmmghpsymmmmghcotic
mmmghpervert!
[Ucchan finally rolls to one side, freeing her arm.]
Ucchan: [bawling] PAIN! PAIN! WAAAAAAAAAAAAH! MOMMY!
Ukyou: [spitting] Love hurts, bitch.
Ucchan: [teary-eyed, venomous glare] You'll pay for that, you
cannibalistic little freak. I'm gonna feed you to fucking
PENGUINS after I get done frying you up! No! I'll eat you myself,
just for the pleasure of defecating your mortal remains!
Kuonjis, rich in essential vitamins and iron!
Ukyou: [sticking her tongue out] Just bathe before coming near
me again, wacko.
Ucchan: [gritting her teeth, holding her arm] Hope you took a
nice big bite, cause that's all the food I'm wasting on you.
Now... [she flops back down on the bed, keeping a respectable
distance from Ukyou] let's see what's on the idiot box, eh,
roomie?
[She clicks the TV remote.]
Television: ...are still searching for the mysterious 'Phantom',
who, according to legend, lives in the tunnels under the
university and seeks to drive away or injure flat-chested
policemen such as the one seen in this video. University
officials said... [Ucchan changes the channel] ...back to the
Sailor Moon marathon!
Ucchan: [clapping her hands] YAAAAAAAY!
Ukyou: [cringing] Just kill me. Please?
Television: In the name of the moon, I will punish you for being
cruel to that mutant transvestite wombat! Even mutant
transvestite wombats deserve love!
Ucchan: GOOOOOOOOO USAGI!
Ukyou: [screaming in terror] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
* * *
[The hallway outside Ranma and Akane's apartment. Akane and
Kasumi, arms full of groceries, are walking up to the door.]
Akane: [fumbling with the keys] I still can't believe he wanted
me to cook for him! And he thought I did fine, even without the
cooking lessons Ukyou's been giving me!
Kasumi: [warmly] I'm glad you and Ranma get along so well
these days.
Akane: [smiling shyly] So am I, actually. I like things a lot
better this way. [she starts unlocking the door] And I want this
dinner to be a success, which is why I wanted you to...
Kasumi: Double check?
Akane: [sheepishly] Yeah. Just stop me if I start to poison it or
something.
[She pushes the door open, and hurries in, Kasumi following at
a slower pace.]
Akane: [calling] Ranma! I'm Ho-
[Ranma, who had been waiting next to the door in a loose
bathrobe, ducks out, grabs her in a hug, and sweeps her low in a
kiss.]
Akane: [eyes wide] Mmmm?
Ranma: [breaking the kiss, grinning] Y'know, after you
suggested this at lunch, I just couldn't stop thinkin' about it.
Guess what's under the robe?
[He opens it.]
Kasumi: [wide eyed, vaguely appreciatively] Oh my.
Ranma: [head snapping up in shock] K-k-kasumi?!?
Akane: [staring] Uh... Ranma... your robe is open.
Ranma: [turning bright red, hastily pulling the robe shut] I don't
understand... you said we were going to...
Akane: We are!
Ranma: [puzzled] So why'd you bring Kasumi?
Akane: [patiently] She's going to help.
Ranma: [wide-eyed] KASUMI? HELP?
Akane: Well, she's a lot better than me. Don't you think so?
Ranma: [sputtering] I... I wouldn't know!
Akane: [wistfully] I've known since I was eight, I'm afraid.
What's with the robe?
Ranma: [faintly] Eight? You were doing it at EIGHT?
Akane: Well, six, actually. Not very well, though. Mother taught
us.
Ranma: You... Kasumi? At six? You?
Akane: Yes... Nabiki didn't, but she's sworn never to do it in life.
She's going to hire other people to do it for her.
Ranma: [in shock] She is?
Akane: [sadly] She thinks it's beneath her. I'd love for me and
Kasumi and Nabiki to all do it together one day...
Ranma: [stunned] Akane... I... oh, man, this is a bit of a shock.
Don't you think you should have told me?
Akane: [puzzled] Told you? I thought you knew. It's not like it's
anything weird for a family to all...
Ranma: I think it's pretty damn weird!
Akane: [confused] But you and your father used to do it
together...
Ranma: [shocked, indignant] WE CERTAINLY DID NOT! Geez! Just
because I turn into a girl doesn't mean...
Akane: [taken aback] Ranma! There's certainly nothing unmanly
about it! Honestly!
Ranma: Doing it with Pop? Gah.
Akane: I mean, I've even seen Ryouga do it several times.
Ranma: [eyes bulging] YOU WATCHED?
Akane: [nodding] I even joined in, once. I wasn't very good, but
he guided me.
Ranma: [pale] You... you... did it... with Ryouga?
Akane: Yup. We took some carrots and beef broth and...
Ranma: [choking] I don't wanna hear any more! With Ryouga...
how could you do this to me, Akane? How?
Akane: [staring at him] What is WRONG with you? You're acting
like we had sex or something.
Ranma: Huh?
Akane: So we cooked a meal together. Big deal.
Ranma: Cooked... meal... cucumbers... oh. [he breathes a heartfelt
sigh of relief] Oh. Thank God.
Kasumi: [wide-eyed] Oh my.
Akane: [raising both eyebrows] Ranma, could you please close
your robe?
Ranma: [flushing] Oh! Uh, sorry.
Kasumi: [absently] It's nice to see that you two are so... close
these days. My.
* * *
[In a dream of many years ago in a galaxy far away, Ukyou stands in
a dark, misty swamp, the ground obscured by mist and the sky
forever covered by dark clouds. She is in a clearing of sorts,
a path that leads towards a small but dark and menacing cave.]
Ukyou: Um... uh huh. Right.
Sato: [suddenly appearing behind Ukyou] In it you must go.
Ukyou: [spins around, screaming] YAAAH! What the- when did you
get here?!
Sato: [stares at her flatly] Now.
[They stare at each other for a while, Ukyou in disbelief, Sato
in a somewhat bored fashion.]
Ukyou: Right. Okay. [stares at the cave] Hey, that thing's creepy.
I don't wanna go in there.
Sato: But you must.
Ukyou: Why?
Sato: Because.
Ukyou: Because?
Sato: [nods solemnly] Because.
[Ukyou takes a deep breath, exhales, looks from Sato, to the cave, then
back at Sato.]
Ukyou: Um, any other reasons?
Sato: [pauses, tilts one ear upward] The spirits think it's a good
idea.
Ukyou: [staring at Sato] Spirits... riiiiight, okaaaay. Nothing else
to do here anyway, so... [pauses] No way I'm going in there
unarmed. [reaches behind her back, pulls out a handle of sorts.]
Hey, what the hell is this?
Sato: [shakes his head] Need that you will not. Leave it here.
Ukyou: Need what?
Sato: Your lightspatula.
Ukyou: My what?
Sato: Your lightspatula.
Ukyou: [wincing] Yeah, that's what I thought you said. [looks at
handle] So where's the... hrm. [presses a button on the
handle, and suddenly a giant spatula-esque shape made of
blue light emerges] Okaaaaay, lightspatula, riiight.
[takes another look at the cave] No offense, Sato, but
if I'm going in THERE, then THIS is going with me. [She
presses the button again, and the lightspatula deactivates.]
Sato: If you wish, but beware the consequences.
Ukyou: [pauses] Waitaminute, gimmie one more reason why I should
poke around in there. I ain't convinced.
Sato: In it is the dark side of the okonomiyaki. Face it you must.
Ukyou: The _dark_side_ of the okonomiyaki.
[Sato nods solemnly.]
Ukyou: Okay, okay, before this gets any more stupid, I'm going.
[She slowly walks into the cave. It is a cramped place, with water
filling the place ankle-deep and plant roots poking from the
ceiling.]
Ukyou: Ugh, this is not one of my brighter ideas...
Voice: Got that right, sugar!
UkyoU: What the... who's there?!
[From the darkness of the cave, a figure in a black cloak and hood
emerges, the face hidden by shadows.]
Ukyou: Who... who are you?
[The figure reaches up with black gloved hands, revealing Ukyou's
own face.]
Ucchan: Boo!
Ukyou: [backing up hastily] What the... this can't be!
Ucchan: Can too! [reaches into her cloak and pulls out a long handle]
Now prepare to die, sugar! [she presses a button, and two
red lightspatula blades emerge from both ends]
Ukyou: Double-sided spatula?
Ucchan: [shrugs] It's the 'in' thing right now. DIE!
[Ukyou quickly snaps on her own lightspatula and the two exchange blows
in the cramped cave. Water sizzles and sparks fly as their weapons
swing wildly about. The fight is even, with no side giving quarter.]
Ukyou: [points dramatically behind Ucchan] Hey! Look! Ranma in a thong!
Ucchan: [snaps her head around suddenly] WHERE?!
UkyoU: An opening!!!
[Ukyou slashes with her lightspatula, cutting Ucchan's at the handle and
reducing it to junk. Ucchan smiles nervously and takes a step back.]
Ucchan: Aheheh.... you wouldn't kill an unarmed psycho, would you?
Ukyou: [nods vigorously] Oh yeah!
[Ukyou swings with her blade, cutting Ucchan in half at the waist.
Ucchan, now in two pieces, falls to the ground. As Ukyou looks on,
Ucchan's facial features seem to shift into...]
Ukyou: [horrified] Maki-chan?
Makiko: [weakly] U... Ukyou... w-why....
Ukyou: Maki-chan! I'm sorry! Don't leave me!
Makiko: U... Ukyou...
[Makiko's body fades into nothingness.]
Ukyou: Maki-chan! Don't go! Maki-chan!
* * *
[Ukyou's bedroom. She is still cuffed to the bed, clad only in her
panties and bra, and still asleep. Ucchan/Makiko sits nearby, eating a
fistful of pocky and pacing about the room.]
Ucchan: Now how shall we start the day today? So many options
and so little time. We could pipe-bomb the theatre...
[frowns] but we've been there already, and it feels so
passe now. Maybe a trick gift box? Maybe, maybe...
Ukyou: [mumbles] dark side'v th' okonomiyaki?
Ucchan: [stares at Ukyou] You've got reeeeal funky dreams, girlfriend.
[Ucchan opens the window and leans out, taking a deep breath
of fresh air.]
Ucchan: Now THIS ya couldn't get in virtual reality. And pocky.
This and pocky. [blinks, leans out of the window, looking
at something in the distance] Well sonovagun, look'a what's
coming! [looks at Ukyou wickedly] Now this gives me ideas.
* * *
[Morning at the apartment house of Ukyou and Makiko finds Ranma
walking towards the door, looking a little disturbed.]
Ranma: [mumbling] Okay, gotta get this straightened out once'n
for all. Can't ask Akane, I already look stupid after
last night. Better t'have Ucchan and Akane mildly
ticked off than have Akane REALLY mad.
[Ranma arrives at Ukyou and Makiko's door. He takes a deep breath,
then knocks. A moment later, Ucchan/Makiko opens the door. She
is wearing a bra, panties, and a bathrobe, though the bathrobe is
hanging wide open. Ucchan appears sleepy, her hair a mess, but with a
lazy smile on her lips. She sees Ranma and her grin becomes toothy.]
Ucchan: [licks upper teeth, then smiles again] Hey there, loverboy.
Ranma: [takes a step back, a blush on his cheeks] Er, ohayo, Makiko.
Is, um, is Ukyo awake?
Ucchan: [stretches, showing off her bra-clad chest to Ranma]
Mmm... I dunno... she's probably exhausted after last
night, I know I am. C'mon in, stud.
[Ucchan grabs Ranma's hand and pulls him in before he can protest.
She leads him to the bedroom, where Ukyou is still bound to the bed, clad
in her bra and panties.]
Ucchan: [lustily] Doesn't she just look good enough to eat?
Believe me, I should know.
Ranma: [blushing badly, edging towards the door] So, um, you
two...
Ucchan: Romped like bunnies? Sure did, though we really wished
that you would join us.
Ukyou: [murmuring in her sleep] Mmm... Maki-chan... come back...
Ucchan: [beaming happily] Aw, isn't that sweet? She even dreams
about me. [Ucchan walks towards Ukyou, leans down, and
gives her a light kiss on the lips, then licks Ukyou's
lips with her tongue. She looks up at Ranma with a twinkle
in her eyes.] Sure you don't wanna join us this morning?
Maybe just you'n me, till she wakes up anyway.
Ranma: [pinching back a nosebleed] I-I g-gotta go, um, class,
er, going. Reallygottago, bye! [He stumbles back, stumbling
over the doorframe, then hurriedly scrambles out of the
apartment]
Ucchan: [pouting] Aw, poot. No rear-romping today. [sighs] Might
as well get Ukyou's day off to a nice and horrifying start.
[She bends down to Ukyou again, this time giving her a
violent, deep kiss.]
Ukyou: [blinks] Mff? [eyes open wide] MMMMF! MMMMMM! [She thrashes
violently, and Ucchan pulls away laughing manically]
Hey, you pervert! Keep away from me!
Ucchan: Ohohohoh! Wish I could see Makiko's face now, doing all
of this with her body! She'd be positively horrified!
Ukyou: Makiko can see all of this?
* * *
[Meanwhile, in the small room inside of Makiko's mind, Makiko is
shaking her head, covering her eyes with her hands. On the TV,
Ucchan's kiss with Ukyou is being shown on slow-mo replay.]
Makiko: OOOOOH MYYYYYYYY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!!!
* * *
[The front steps of Maison Sabaku, afternoon. Ucchan, her hands
and face spotted with oil, grease, and similar mechanical
byproducts, is loitering by the front door.]
Ucchan: [muttering] C'mon, c'mon, there's gotta be a pizza
delivery guy due to arrive sometime...
[She stops, blinks, and brightens. Kasumi is walking up the
steps, a basket under one arm.]
Ucchan: [gleeful] Even better! Hey, Kasumi! Remember me, uh,
Makiko?
Kasumi: [smiling politely] Oh! Hello, Kawamura-san. I was just
on my way to visit the Saotomes.
Ucchan: [eyeing the basket gleefully] Bearing home-baked
goodies for them to nosh on?
Kasumi: [nodding] Cookies.
Ucchan: [smiling broadly] Great! Perfect! Well, they're both in
the laundry room... follow me, and I'll show you.
Kasumi: Okay!
[They vanish into the apartment complex.]
* * *
[The hallway outside of Ukyou and Makiko's apartment. Sato is
standing in front of their door.]
Sato: [knocking] Hello? Ukyou? Makiko?
[No one answers.]
Sato: [frowning] They're not in. This may make things more
difficult.
[He withdraws a small wire tool, bends down, and begins to
tinker with the lock. As he does so, Yutaga the shadow demon
appears from... behind him... and curiously looks over his
shoulder.]
Yutaga: Whatcha doing?
Sato: [annoyed] I am picking this lock.
Yutaga: [chidingly] Isn't that against the law?
Sato: [shrugging] I would not know. But Makiko's behavior
requires investigating.
Yutaga: Good idea. Should I yell for the police?
Sato: Should I go stand under a tanning lamp?
Yutaga: [wincing] I've milked this about as far as I can, haven't
I.
Sato: Most wise, Yutaga.
[He goes back to fiddling with the lock.]
Yutaga: Hey, Sato?
Sato: [intent on his work] Hmm?
Yutaga: [curiously] Where'd you learn to pick a lock?
Sato: I didn't.
Yutaga: So how do you know what you're doing?
Sato: I don't.
Yutaga: This is going to take a while, isn't it.
Sato: [unruffled] I imagine so.
* * *
[Ranma and Akane's apartment. The two are lounging together
on the sofa; Akane is reading over the script to 'The Pirates of
Penzance', while Ranma is somewhat dazedly reading a 'How To
Show Support For Your Openly Gay Friend' pamphlet.]
Ranma: Akane, I'm pretty tolerant an' all that, yeah?
Akane: [looking up from her script] I guess. Why?
Ranma: [plaintively] Do ya think it'll make Ukyou feel bad if I
don't wear one of those pink triangles?
Akane: I think she'll live, yes.
Ranma: [guiltily] I mean, I wanna let her know that I'm okay
with her lifestyle, and that I'm behind her and everything, but I
don't want people ta think I'm gay.
Akane: Right. I wouldn't worry about it.
Ranma: Did I tell you about the handcuffs?
Akane: [patiently] You told me about the handcuffs.
Ranma: [shaking his head] Man. Ya think you know a person...
[Someone knocks at the door, and Akane gets up to answer it.
Makiko steps in, lugging a closed, bulging laundry sack behind
her.]
Ucchan: [brightly] Hi guys! It's me, Ukyou's roomie, confidant,
and future wife!
Akane: [raising an eyebrow] Wow, you two just bolted out of
the closet.
Ucchan: [shrugging] While you can do all kinds of fun things in a
closet, it was getting old. [she snaps her fingers] Oh yeah!
Anyway, Kasumi wanted me to have you try these. [she hands
them the basket of cookies] I need to go drop off my laundry
[she gives the sack a light kick] and then let her know how
they were.
Akane: [opening the basket] Hm, these look like her poppy-seed
cookies. We've had these before.
Ranma: [grabbing a handful] Sure have. They're good.
Ucchan: She changed a few ingredients this time. Try one.
Akane: [thoughtfully munching on one] Hmmm.. you're right,
they do taste different.
Laundry Sack: [muffled] Mmmmph!
Akane: [blinking] Did your laundry just make a 'mmph' noise?
Ucchan: [shrugging] Too much fabric softener.
Ranma: [munching on another cookie] I think I like the old
recipe better. These taste kinda weird.
Akane: [chewing] They do.
Laundry Sack: MMMMMph!
Ranma: [staring at the sack] I coulda sworn that sack just said
'Mmph'.
Ucchan: [crossly] Quiet, Laundry-san! [she kicks it]
Laundry Sack: MMMMMMPH!
Akane: [uneasily] Uh, Makiko? What's... wha...
[Her eyes roll up in her head, and she collapses in a heap.]
Ranma: [running over] Akane? AKANE! [he looks up] Makiko, call
a... call...
[He stumbles, falling to his knees.]
Ucchan: [grinning] Don't worry, Ranchan. You'll be fine.
Ranma: [unfocused] Why... are you... doing...
Ucchan: For Ucchan. The right one.
[Ranma slumps to the floor, out cold.]
Laundry Sack: Mmmmmph! Mmmph!
Ucchan: [snarling] Shut up, Kasumi. [pondering tone] Now how
the hell am I gonna lug her heavy tomboy butt all the way to
the engineering building? I nearly threw Maki-chan's back out
getting Mary Tyler Moore here up the steps... [she snaps her
fingers] Auto theft! Yeah! I can use that to move the rest of the
bombs, too! [she heads for the door] You wait here and keep an
eye on these two, Kasumi. I'll be right back.
Laundry Sack: MMMph!
Ucchan: [stopping to pat it] Good girl! Tootles!
[She exits, leaving behind two slumped bodies and a squirming
sack.]
* * *
[Ukyou and Makiko's apartment. Ukyou, still handcuffed and
gagged, looks up as the door clicks open.]
Ukyou: [thinking] If she even gets close to me, I'll bite her nose
off. The lesbianism and physical abuse is bad enough, but she'll
_pay_ for making me watch the Sailor Moon Marathon with
her...
[Her eyes widen as Sato walks into the bedroom. So do his.]
Sato: [turning purple] Per... perhaps I've come at a bad time...
Ukyou: [shaking her head furiously] MMMMMMMPH! MMH!
Sato: [blinking] Wait... are you being held against your will?
Ukyou: [nodding angrily] Mmmph Mmm!
Sato: [walking over, pulling the gag out] There. What has
happened he- [he blinks at the gag] Is this a bra?
Ukyou: [furiously] Just get me the hell out of these cuffs! Now!
Sato: [bending to examine the locks] I have reason to believe
something is wrong with your roommate, Kawamura-san.
Ukyou: [voice oozing pure sarcasm] Oh. Really? I'd never have
guessed. She's been acting so normally lately, chaining me to
my bed and everything. Thank you so very much for informing
me.
Sato: [peering at the cuffs] You are welcome. Do you know
where the key to these is?
Ukyou: On Makiko. There's a hacksaw in that big pile of bomb-
making equipment in the corner, though.
[Sato stares at the pile of tools, pipes, chemical vials, and
plans that takes up Makiko's corner desk. He goes over, picks up
a hacksaw, then returns to the bed.]
Sato: [looking at her] Ukyou, is Makiko being possessed?
Ukyou: [flushing] Sort of. It's a long story. Could you please
look somewhere else until I get dressed?
Yutaga: [appearing from behind Sato] Don't worry. He's gay.
Sato: [sawing at the cuffs] Silence, shadow.
Yutaga: He's impotent, as well.
Ukyou: [staring] Uh, Sato? You've got a shadow coming out of-
Sato: [impassively] Pay the shadow no heed.
Ukyou: Right. Just hurry up with the cuffs. [she swallows] I
have a bad feeling about Ranchan and Akane.
* * *
[A room on the top floor of the engineering building. Akane,
still out cold, has been strapped to a large propane tank up
against one wall. In the middle of the room, Ucchan is tinkering
with an elaborate device.]
Ucchan: [squinting] ...and we place...the arming pin... like so.
There! [she claps her hands and straightens] Time to give
Akane-chan her wakey-wakeys! Can't have her sleep through
her own execution...
[She walks over to Akane, pulls out a syringe, and jabs her
with it.]
Akane: [jerking] Uhhhh... uhhh... [her eyes flutter] Whaasat?
Huh?
Ucchan: [cheerfully] Rise and shine, sleepyhead!
Akane: [eyes blearily opening] M-Makiko? What's going on? [she
tries to move] Where am I? Hey, I'm tied up!
Ucchan: [nodding] Ayup. Don't worry, there's a good reason.
Akane: Like what?
Ucchan: You'd escape if you weren't tied up.
Akane: [incredulously] That's a good reason?
Ucchan: [shrugging] Well, it sounds like a pretty good reason to
me.
Akane: [struggling] Makiko, let me go right now! I mean it!
Ucchan: I'm sorry, Dave... I'm afraid I can't do that.
Akane: [angry] Look, if this is part of a joke, it isn't funny.
Ucchan: [smiling] Oh, this is no joke. Lemme fill you in on
what's gonna happen, Mallet Girl. Half the police department is
going to come boiling up here in a few hours to rescue you.
Unfortunately, the second they get halfway up the stairs, the
bomb you're strapped to is going to go off, blowing you, the
pigs, and most of this fine building into little bits. Any
questions?
Akane: [staring at her] You're not joking.
Ucchan: [chidingly] I just said that, you wacky tomboy! Pay
more attention to the person who's gonna kill ya!
Akane: [in shock] Why?
Ucchan: [shrugging] Why not?
Akane: [horrified] You're insane!
Ucchan: [happily] Biiiiiiingo! I AM insane! I'm gonna kill you,
then I'm gonna go back and kill Ukyou - I've been keeping her
chained to the bed for the past few days, and she's beginning to
stink - and then I'm gonna pick up Ranchan and give him the
ride of his life! Now, is that the plan of a sane person? OF
COURSE NOT!
Akane: [carefully] Makiko, let's talk this over...
Ucchan: [shaking her head] Sorry, toxic avenger, Makiko's not in
right now. She had a little accident with a biomechanical VR
rig that your sister's Frankensteinette roomie cooked up, and
now I'm in charge. You can call me Ucchan.
Akane: [faintly] Like Ukyou?
Ucchan: [smiling slightly] Yeah, I'm our favorite Kansai hick,
sans little things like morality, sanity, trivial stuff like that.
But hey, I'm a lot more fun! And I can build low-grade bombs,
too!
Akane: So could the real Ukyou.
Ucchan: [beaming] Yeah, I'm kinda proud of the old spatula-
slinger. Even I haven't blown up a wedding yet! [she looks
thoughtful] I'm going to have to do that later, just to keep the
score in my favor.
Akane: [defiantly] You'll never get away with this. Ranma'll
stop you.
Ucchan: [rolling her eyes] People keep telling me that! I loaded
Ranma so full of sleepy-juice he'll be lucky if he wakes up this
week. You've got exactly... [she checks her watch] four hours
and twenty-three minutes left to live. I wouldn't get your
flatchested little hopes up.
Akane: [shrugging as best she can] I'm not too worried.
Ucchan: [raising both eyebrows] Oh? Why not?
Akane: [flatly] You're too loopy to successfully tie your shoes,
let alone pull off a bomb plot.
Ucchan: [grinning] We'll see about that. Last time, my better
half came into the simulation and stopped me. But Captain
Okonomiyaki's half-naked on a bed with a bra stuffed down her
throat, so I don't expect her to cause any problems. And not
even the noise of you detonating into thousands of atom-
sized tomboy bits will wake up Ranchan. That just leaves Sato,
and he couldn't rescue a cat from a tree, much less a bitch
from a bomb.
Akane: [swallowing] You won't get away with this.
Ucchan: [sighing] You said that already. Boring dialogue, Akane-
chan. Boring. I have no idea what Ranchan sees in you... oh well,
back to work!
[She picks up a ball-peen and begins tinkering with another
device.]
Ucchan: [singing] Ooooohhh, if I had a hammer, I'd hammer in
the morning, I'd haaammer in the evenings, then I'd hammer
baby seeeeaaals heads in! And if I had a pistol...
[Akane winces, and silently wishes for earplugs.]
* * *
[Ranma's apartment, some time later. Ranma is still on the floor,
unconscious, and Kasumi is still in the laundry sack.]
Kasumi: [sighing] Mmmf.
[There is a knock at the door.]
Kasumi: Mmmmf?
Ukyou: [from outside] Hello? Ranchan? Akane! Anyone in there?
Kasumi: Mmmmf! Mmmmmf!
Ukyou: [from outside] Sit tight! We'll try to get in!
Sato: [from outside] I shall pick the lock.
Ukyou: [from outside] We don't have time for that!
[There's a sound of the doorknob being turned, then the door being forced
open.]
Kasumi: Mmmmf!
[Ukyou and Sato rush into the room. They see the moving laundry sack
and open it.]
Ukyou: Akane! What happened t- Kasumi?
Kasumi: Mmmf!
Ukyou: Oh! Sorry, lemme get that gag out of your mouth.
Kasumi: [frantically] Ukyou! Thank goodness! You've got to save Akane!
Ukyou: What happened to Ranchan? Where's Akane?
Kasumi: Kawamura-san drugged their food, and then she took Akane to
the Engineering building!
Ukyou: [goes to Ranma, shaking him] C'mon, Ranchan! Wake up! It's
time to save Akane and that's your thing! I don't wanna do this
alone! Ranchan, wake up!
Sato: [examining Ranma's eyes] I think he shall be unconscious for
a while. We'd best go to the Engineering building and see
about stopping Makiko.
Ukyou: [nodding] Right. Let's go.
* * *
[The engineering building, top floor. Ucchan fiddles with some
electronic parts as she walks about the room, while Akane is
still tied up.]
Ucchan: [singing] Being evil by daylight! Bonking Ranchan by
moonlight! Killing everything in sight! I am the one
called.... [stops singing] Damn, Ucchan don't fit.
Any suggestions, Akane?
Akane: I-
Ucchan: [cuts Akane off] Didn't think so. [blinks, peers out of
window, becomes irritated] Why is it every time I look out the
window, I get a surprise?
Akane: [smugly] I told you Ranma would-
Ucchan: Sorry, it ain't our stud-muffin. It's my not-so-better half.
Akane: Ukyou?
Ucchan: And the dude with the shadow flappin' out of his ass.
Akane: ...
Ucchan: Sato.
Akane: A shadow?
Ucchan: [shrugs] So... they're looking to spoil my fun, huh? [looks
around the room, sees something on the floor] A-ha! Luck
strikes twice!
* * *
[Outside the Engineering building, Ukyou and Sato stand at the front
doors, tugging at them.]
Ukyou: She's jammed the doors shut.
Sato: Most problematic.
Ucchan: [from above] Heads up!
[*THUD*]
[Suddenly, a brick slams into Sato's head, knocking him unconscious.]
Ukyou: Sato!
Ucchan: [from the top floor window] Damn! Wrong one!
Ukyou: Hey!
Yutaga: [emerging from Sato] Sonova... I close my eyes for a minute and
the guy gets flattened again.
Ucchan: Well well well! If it ain't the wimpy version of me!
Welcome to the party, pal!
Ukyou: What've you done with Akane?!
Ucchan: Akane gonna go BOOM! MUHAHAHAHAHAA!
Ukyou: Just you wait! I'll stop you!
[Ucchan's laughter fades away, and Ukyou returns her attention to the door
in front of her.]
Ukyou: [pulls out her battle spatula] Good thing she didn't take
it away this time. Hyah! *CHOP*
* * *
Ucchan: [peeking down briefly from the window] Hrm, it'll be only
a matter of time until she chops through the door...
need something to gum up the works here... [pounds fist
in palm] A-ha! Funfunfun!
Akane: [angrily] What are you up to?
Ucchan: [merrily] Some world-class irony, sugar! [goes to
a nearby phone, dials] Hello, police? Hi, my name's
Kuonji Ukyou. I'm over in the Engineering building,
and I'm holding Tendo Akane hostage. If I don't see some
cops willing to take some demands in ten minutes, I start
chopping off bits. Okay? Ta-ta! [she hangs up the
phone]
Akane: And what was that supposed to do?
Ucchan: Why, that'll set Ukyou, the cops, AND YOU, all in one
BIG BANG, BABY! Woohoo! [turns her attention to the large
bomb in the middle of the room] We've gotta get you
ready for showtime, yes we do!
* * *
[The engineering building. Ukyou, battle spatula ready, is
advancing up a spiral stairwell.]
Ukyou: [thinking] Bombs... she was making bombs, and she's
probably rigged the building. This is insane...
Ucchan: [up above] Hiya, roomie!
[Ukyou peers up to see Ucchan, three flights above, puffing
contentedly on a cigar.]
Ukyou: [growling] You're going to give Maki-chan lung cancer if
you keep that up.
Ucchan: [blowing smoke] You like? Found em stashed in one of
the offices. Makes me look like Bogie, doncha think? [bad
imitation] You dirty rat...
Ukyou: [rolling her eyes] That's Capone, not Bogart. You might
as well give up now, nutball. You've got all the martial arts
ability of a dead haddock, and you've trapped yourself in here.
Ucchan: [shaking her cigar] Nyah. Nyah. You'll nevah get me
alive, coppah, see? Nyah.
Ukyou: [grimly] I hope you've figured out how to turn off that
zany 'pain' thing, for your sake.
Ucchan: [grinning] Still working on that.... [she pauses,
dramaticaly and raises a hand to her ear] Why... what's that? It
sounds like running water or something? Hear it?
Ukyou: [listening despite herself] Yeah... what...
[She suddenly looks down. A small but broad stream of some
sort of liquid is running down the steps, along the soles of her
shoes.]
Ucchan: [tossing the stogie down] Have a cigar, Kuonji.
[The gasoline flowing down the steps ignites with a *FOOMPH*,
and a wall of flame begins to rush down towards Ukyou.]
Ucchan: [merrily] Remember, no smoking! It's bad for you!
Ukyou: GAH!
[She dives over the stairwell seconds before the flames reach
her, holding onto the railing for dear life.]
Ucchan: [scowling] That's the problem with you, Kuonji, you
just won't hold still! [she pulls out a bottle with a cloth stuck
in the neck, and lights it] It's Miller Time!
[Ucchan throws the bottle at her. Ukyou, yelping, lets go of the
railing, and the molotov cocktail splashes into flames where
she had hung. Falling, Ukyou grabs for the passing railings...
finally catching hold of the last one before ground level.]
Ukyou: [wincing in pain] I don't drink.
Ucchan: [throwing another firebomb] I insist! Great taste! Less
filling!
[Ukyou scrambles over the railing and back onto the stairs just
ahead of the bomb.]
Ucchan: [angrily] Damnit, hold still and die!
Ukyou: I don't think so, wacko. See you at the top.
[She vanishes down a hallway.]
Ucchan: [fuming] Right, okay, we're still Kool and the Gang...
only about five staircases in this place. Stupid white knight
of a double! Gonna ENJOY grilling her!
* * *
[A hallway on an upper floor of the engineering building. Again,
Ukyou creeps forward, spatula at the ready, a nervous look in
her eyes.]
Ukyou: [to herself] This is crazy... I can FEEL her watching me...
all it'll take is one bomb and boom, that's the end of me...
[She moves forward, peering cautiously ahead. The hallway is
lined with crates and boxes containing machine parts, making
it an ambush waiting to happen.]
Ukyou: [swallowing] C'mon, you cheap imitation, where are
you...
[A small, red dot of light suddenly appears on her upper back,
and begins moving towards her center.]
Ukyou: [not noticing] Damn it. I should never have pushed her
into volunteering for that stupid hypnosis... it would have been
mean anyway to make her sing-
[She stops suddenly. The red dot slowly moves between her
shoulderblades.]
Ukyou: [yelling] CHICKEN GUMBO! CHICKEN GUMBO!
Ucchan's Voice: [behind Ukyou, singing] I MET A GIN-SOAKED
BARROOM QUEEN IN MEMPHIS! SHE TRIED TO TAKE ME UPSTAIRS
FOR A RIDE!
[Ukyou's eyes widen and she throws herself to one side. There's
a WHOOSH, and a crude projectile zooms past her, making a
hole in the wall. She rolls into a crouch, and sees that Ucchan
is sitting in a go-cartlike vehicle had had been concealed in
one of the crates. A long pipe, a laser pointer strapped to the
top, is in her hands trailing smoke. The cart has several sharp
spikes strapped to a waist-high plate wielded to the bumper.]
Ucchan: [gunning the engine, singing] SHE HAD TO HEAVE ME
RIGHT ACROSS HER SHOULDER! CAUSE I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO
DRINK YA OFF MY MIND!
Ukyou: [running] Uh-oh.
[The go-cart careens after the frantically running Ukyou. The
two scramble down the hallway, Ukyou pulling boxes behind her
as she runs. The souped-up cart just smashes them to bits on
the spikes.]
Ucchan: [grinning maniacally, singing] IT'S THOSE HOOOOOONKY
TONK, HOOONKY TONK WOOOOMEN! GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, THE
HONKY TONK BLUES!
[They reach the end of the hallway. Ukyou desperately throws
open the door, dives through it, and slams it shut. There's the
sound of screeching brakes, a crash, and then cursing.]
Ucchan's Voice: [behind the door] Nice one, Kuonji! Won't work
twice though; I just turned off that hypnotic suggestion.
Ukyou: [grimly] Once was all I needed. Bye!
[She locks the door and then bolts up a staircase in the far
wall. After a few more hallways and stairs, she arrives at the
door to the top-floor work area.]
Ukyou: [swallowing] She's got Akane in there. That's where I'd
put her, and Makiko knows me well enough to...
Ucchan's Voice: [from behind the door] I WANT MONEY! LOTS OF
IT! I WANT A REAL GUN! WHY CAN'T I GET A REAL GUN IN
JAPAN?! AND I WANT A CAR! AND A BURRITO! A BIG FRICKIN'
BURRITO!
Ukyou: [swallowing] Here goes nothing.
[She kicks the door open, and blinks. In the center of the room
sits what looks like a jet engine with wings, the words
"Mizunoikan Aerospace Engineering Club" on the side of it,
pointing towards the rear glass wall of the workroom. Akane is
in the back seat of the strange contraption, tied and gagged.
Ucchan is climbing into the front seat, aviator goggles and
leather flying cap covering her head.]
Ucchan: [sliding into the front seat, waving] Heya, Kuonji! I
was gonna blow Akane up with the building, but that was
before you decided to show, so... gotta fly! But hey, have fun
watching the bomb explode! Ta ta!
[She punches a button on the console, and the rear engine roars
to life.]
Ukyou: [running forward] Oh no you don't!
[As the plane begins to shoot forward, Ukyou makes a flying
leap, grabs onto the rear fuselage, and scrambles onto it.
The plane shoots forward, straight for the glass wall.]
Ukyou: [terrified] STOP! TURN IT OFF!
Ucchan: [whooping] BANZAI! YEEEEEEHAW!
[The plane smashes through the glass, starts to plummet, then
lifts and zooms straight forward. Exactly ten seconds later,
the top floors of the engineering building explode in a fireball,
sending steel, glass, and flaming bits of wood and concrete
flying.]
Ucchan: [gleeful] HAHA! Endow THAT, motherfuckers! [she looks
behind her and gapes] YOU! Damn it, what does it take to kill
you? What are you, the friggin Energizer Bunny of
okonomiyaki?
Ukyou: [gritting her teeth, slowly crawling forward along the
fuselage] Land. The. Plane. Now.
Ucchan: [snarling] You wish, Kansai Kate. No passengers
allowed without a proper boarding pass, so get... OFF!
[She yanks the plane violently to the right. Ukyou yelps and
tightens her grip on the fuselage, nearly tumbling off.]
Ucchan: [banking left sharply] This is yer charming and
beautiful captain speaking! Return all tray tables to their fully
upright and locked position!
Ukyou: [slowly moving forward] You're gonna get us both killed!
Land the plane!
Ucchan: [looking ahead] Sure thing! We're almost to our
destination anyway!
[She starts to rapidly descend... straight for an apartment
complex.]
Ukyou: [eyes widening] Hey... hey, look out for that...
Ucchan: [gleefully] RAMMING SPEED!
Ukyou: [swallowing] Sorry, Akane, but suicidal rescue attempts
only go so far with me...
[As the plane drops, Ukyou waits until it passes over a clump
of bushes and lets go. She lands in them with a muffled thump,
and dazedly looks up. The plane zooms to the ground, screeches
up the apartment's driveway...]
* * *
[Yuriko and Kasumi's apartment. Yuriko, in her customary lab
coat, is sprawled in an armchair reading an issue of Mad
Geniuses Illustrated.]
Yuriko: [reading] Hmm... 'Towards a Better Tomorrow With
Atomic Death Rays'... my, think of the medical
applications! Why..
[A screeching, grating noise outside makes her look up.]
Yuriko: [annoyed] What on earth is that awful...
[With a thunderous crash, the jetplane smashes through the
living room wall, slides across the carpet, and comes to a
whirring, screeching halt two inches in front of Yuriko's
armchair.]
Ucchan: [switching the engine off and hopping out] Heya, doc!
Yuriko: [in mild shock] K-K-Kawamura-san?
Ucchan: Not quite! I'm your greatest creation!
Yuriko: [eyes widening] YOU!
Ucchan: [triumphantly] ME!
[She steps forward, draws back her fist, and punches Yuriko.
The medical student slumps to the ground.]
Ucchan: [whining] OOOOOOOW! Why the hell does everyone have
such hard faces! [she walks over to the plane and drags out
Akane] C'mon, macho man... er, woman.. whatever you are. I'm
gonna show you my home town. And y'know what? I think my
better half may just come visit, too.
[They vanish upstairs.]
* * *
[Outside the apartment complex, Ukyou stares at the wreckage
of the student-built airplane and the apartments.]
Ukyou: [puts hand on head, sighs] Oooooh boy. This one's getting
messy. [She stares at the apartment a bit longer] Hey,
this place looks famil... uh oh. This is Yuriko's apartment!
[She rushes inside, greeted by the sight of the front end of the
airplane jammed through more than half of the apartment. At the
front of the plane, unconscious, is Yuriko. Ukyou rushes to her
and shakes her gently.]
Ukyou: Yuriko, hey, you okay?
Yuriko: *groan* Oww... my jaw...
Ukyou: Yuriko?
Yuriko: [rubbing her jaw gingerly] Well, that was interesting.
Ukyou: [urgently] Makiko, which way did she go?
Yuriko: I dunno, she knocked me out right after she got here. If
I was her, though, I'd go upstairs.
Ukyou: Upstairs? Why?
Yuriko: The HEDSWIM 666 is up there.
Ukyou: Headswim?
Yuriko: HEDSWIM. 'Ucchan' was made in one of those, remember?
Ukyou: [eyes widen] Oh no, not again.
* * *
[Yuriko's lab, upstairs. Ukyou opens the door cautiously, followed by
Yuriko. At the far end of the lab sits the HEDSWIM 666, the size of a
medium desk. Akane and Ucchan/Makiko are in chairs next to it, each with
a blank expression. A piece of paper is taped to Akane's face, the large
words 'READ ME' written on them.]
Ukyou: [glaring at Yuriko] You just had to make another one, didn't ya.
Yuriko: [offended] Of course! It's in the name of science!
Ukyou: Aaaargh.
[They approach Akane and Makiko cautiously. Ukyou takes the note
from Akane's face and reads it aloud.]
Ukyou: 'Hey there, Captain Spatula! If you want the tomboy ape and
your lovergirl here back, slap on a headset and come on down!
Is it a trap? Could it be? Of course it is! But you don't
have a choice, do you?'
Yuriko: Oh my.
Ukyou: [sighs] Tell me you made some sort of safeguard just for
these kind of circumstances?
Yuriko: I made a safeguard just for these kind of circumstances.
Ukyou: Good. [pauses] You didn't install it yet, did you.
Yuriko: [smiles nervously] Bingo!
Ukyou: Aaaargh! Fine, hook me up! [grumbles] I don't believe
I'm doing this again.
* * *
[Within the depths of the HEDSWIM 666. Ukyou stands next to a tied up
Akane, in the middle of a nondescript green grid, stretching as far
as the eye can see. Ucchan now appears identical to Ukyou, except
with a maniacal glint in her eyes.]
Ucchan: [sings] Be it ever so humble, there's nooooooo plaaaaaace
like hooooooooooome!
Akane: Where... where is this?
Ucchan: This is my home sweet home, ape-chick!
Akane: [sarcastically] Kinda flat, isn't it?
Ucchan: [smugly] Oh, not for long.
[Ucchan raises her arms, and suddenly the landscape comes alive with
vague shapes. In a matter of seconds, those shapes come into focus
as jungles, rivers, and ancient ruins of Atlantean appearance.]
Ucchan: Welcome to Crypt Raider!
Akane: What... how...
Ucchan: Don't you get it? I was BORN here! This is my turf!
In this place... [Ucchan's voice suddenly grows incredibly
loud, the ground trembling at her voice] I AM GOD!!!!
[Ucchan's eyes blaze with fire, and she is bathed in cerulean flames.
Akane stares, her expression one of horror and shock. Suddenly,
Ucchan returns to normal.]
Ucchan: [cheerfully] Too dramatic, you think?
[She grabs Akane and hefts her over her shoulder, then strolls
into a nearby temple. With the other hand, Ucchan holds an
impossibly large assault rifle.]
Ucchan: You'n me'n Ukyou, we're just gonna have ourselves SO MUCH FUN!
* * *
[Somewhere in the forest, Ukyou wanders. She is wearing very short
shorts, a tank-top and sunglasses. Her hair is tied into a pigtail.]
Ukyou: [looking at herself] Well, this is a new look.
Yuriko's voice: Ukyou, can you hear me?
Ukyou: Loud'n clear, Yuriko. What's going on here?
Yuriko's voice: Ucchan's started a game up. This one's called Crypt
Raider. Check your your back, there should be a shotgun
strapped to it or some handguns around the back of
your belt.
[Ukyou reaches back and pulls out a pair of handguns.]
Ukyou: Got the handguns. Now what?
Yuriko's voice: Ucchan's waiting for you somewhere in the final stage
of this level. It's the ruins waaaay over there.
[A giant arrow appears in the sky, pointing at a looming structure
on the horizon.]
Ukyou: Aaack! So far away? Can't you speed it up with, I dunno,
cheat codes?
Yuriko's voice: Sorry, Ucchan deactivated them.
Ukyou: Okay, guess there's nothing to do but walk.
[Ukyou walks along the path, then stops as she sees a few monkeys swinging
from the trees.]
Ukyou: Awww, look, cute monkeys.
Yuriko's voice: Um, Ukyou...
Ukyou: Aren't they adorable?
Yuriko: Ukyou? In the game, all wildlife is hostile. If it moves,
shoot it.
Ukyou: Shoot the monkeys? But I can't-
[The monkeys turn to face her, then suddenly sling a barrage of
coconuts at her. Ukyou backpedals and runs for cover.]
Ukyou: Aaah! Stupid monkeys! *BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*
Yuriko's voice: I told you.
Ukyou: [grumpily] Yeah, yeah.
[She wanders through the jungle warily, jumping over pits, swinging across
treetops, swimming through rivers.]
Ukyou: [emerging from a river] Dammit, this is messier than before.
[She walks further, shooting bears, snakes, tigers, monkeys-]
Ukyou: Ow! Stupid monkeys!
[-running from falling boulders, across collapsing bridges, and
other hazards, until at last she reaches the ruins.]
Ukyou: [frowning] Oh boy.
Yuriko's voice: What's wrong?
Ukyou: The place looks bigger than I thought.
Ucchan's voice: Naughty naughty! No help from the peanut gallery!
[The sky seems to become static for a moment, then all is normal.]
Ukyou: Yuriko? Yuriko? Hey, Yuriko!
Ucchan's voice: Sorry, you wacky okonomiyaki nut you, but we're
doing this mano-a-mano. No help.
Ukyou: If that's the way ya want it, fine! I'm coming t'get ya!
[From the shadows of nearby trees, something vaguely Makiko-shaped
appears, a shotgun in its hand. Ukyou spots it, and it spots Ukyou
at the same time. They both dive sideways, opening fire. Makiko
backflips, still blazing a storm of bullets, and disappears into
the temple.]
Ukyou: [charging after her] Get back here, fake-me!
Makiko: [snarling] You're the fake, buddy. DIE!
[She spins, pumping and firing the shotgun. Ukyou yelps, dives
forward in a roll under the blast, and comes up with her gun
pointed at the Makiko-being - only to find the shotgun leveled
at her head.]
Ukyou: [finger on the trigger] Drop the gun. Now.
Makiko: [glaring at her] I don't think so, spatula girl! YOU drop
the gun!
Ukyou: [glaring back] You first!
[The two stare at each other for a few seconds, sizing the
situation up.]
Makiko: [brightly] Well, well, what a predicament! Looks like
we've got ourselves a standoff, huh?
Ukyou: [evenly] You could say that.
Makiko: [angrily] You're not sticking me back in that room,
okay? I'll die first!
Ukyou: [finger tightening on the trigger] That can be arranged. I
can't let you have Makiko's body, you know.
Makiko: [aiming] Why not? It's my body, not yours!
Ukyou: [swallowing] No, it's Makiko's. Hopefully, after you're
dead, she'll get it back. [her finger starts to pull back]
Sayonara, Ucc-
Makiko: [blinking] Ukyou?
Ukyou: [finger halting] Yeah?
Makiko: [staring] You mean... you're not the AI?
Ukyou: [irritably] You're the AI, you wac- [she blinks] Makiko?
Makiko: [lowering the shotgun] Oh, for pete's sake! You nearly
blew my head off, you idiot!
Ukyou: [incredulous] ME? What were you shooting, wiffle balls?
Makiko: [defensively] Hey! You look just like her!
Ukyou: And? So do you!
Makiko: [wincing] Not in VR, I don't. [she pumps her shotgun]
C'mon. We've got to stop her before she does something terrible
to Akane.
[She walks into the ruined temple. Ukyou follows.]
Ukyou: [curiously] I thought she had you locked up or
something?
Makiko: [shrugging] She did, but the conversion of my brain into
the server for the HEDSWIM's VR program allowed me to get
the hell out of Dodge. [she glances at Ukyou] I know some of
what she's planning. She's gonna download a copy of herself
into Akane's hindbrain, then kill her in VR - leaving the
hindbrain copy as the only personality in her body. Then she
waxs you, takes your body, disposes of me - and bam, there's
one Ucchan running around in your body, and one in Akane's.
Think how easy it would be to get to Ranchan like that -
especially since they could tell everyone they were the real
Ukyou and Akane...
Ukyou: [shuddering] This is very very bad.
Makiko: [rolling her eyes] You got a gift for understatement,
roomie. C'mon.
[They dash through the temple halls. Finally they emerge into a
huge, vaulted chamber. Intricate mosaics on the wall show
Ukyou grilling infants on a yattai, torturing Makiko, Akane, and
Sato, and doing things with Ranma that make Ukyou blush a
deep shade of red. In the center of the room, a tied Akane hangs
upside-down from a rope over a circular pit.]
Ukyou: Akane! It's me, Ukyou! Hold on!
Akane: [desperately] Ukyou? Help!
Ukyou: [running forward] C'mon, Maki-chan, let's...
Makiko: [looking around suspicious] Hold on, Ukyou. Where's
that evil Ucchan person? Shouldn't she be trying to stop us?
Ukyou: [slowing] Good point.
Makiko: [hefting the shotgun] You untie Akane. I'll keep an eye
on the room.
Akane: [frantically] Hurry! She left to go look for you, Ukyou -
she could be back any minute!
Ukyou: [walking forward] Right...
Akane: [yelping] WAIT! STOP!
Ukyou: [freezing] What?
Akane: I just remembered... when she left, she was very careful
not to step on any of the red tiles in the floor.
Ukyou: [looking at the red tile she had been about to step on]
Nice timing. The place is probably rigged to explode or
something. No wonder she isn't here.
Makiko: [nervously] Can we please hurry it up? I've got a bad
feeling...
Ukyou: [carefully walking forward] Going as fast as I can,
Maki-chan...
[She reaches the edge of the pit, and stops. The bottom of the
shaft is filled with snarling, snapping, fanged, circular
creatures...]
Ukyou: [staring] It couldn't be.
Akane: [glumly] It could.
[Ukyou looks at Akane. Akane looks at Ukyou.]
Both: [grimly] Killer Okonomiyaki.
Akane: This is one twisted AI, Ukyou.
Ukyou: [wincing] Okonomiyaki. Why does it always have to be
okonomiyaki?
Akane: Your karma, I guess. No offense, but could you please
hurry up and get me down?
Ukyou: [looking at the pit] I'm trying to figure out how... aha!
[She takes her gun, looks for and finds a little switch on it, and
flicks it. The gun morphs into a combat spatula.]
Ukyou: [grinning] Multiweapon. Used one the first time I was
here. Hold on, Akane...
[Using the spatula hilt, she gives Akane a shove, making her
swing like a pendulum. As she swings, Ukyou shoves again,
making the arc even wider.]
Akane: [nervously] Hey! What are you...
Ukyou: [still pushing] When the swing takes you out from over
the pit, I'm gonna cut the rope. Get ready...
Makiko: Hey, Ukyou?
Ukyou: [not turning] Yeah?
[Makiko strolls up and shoves Ukyou, hard. Squawking, Ukyou
topples into the pit. In desperation, as she falls she swings the
spatula into the wall, edge first. It enters with a THUNK, and
sticks, bringing her to a halt barely two feet above the
snarling, snapping pile of Killer Okonomiyaki.]
Ukyou: [horrified] Makiko?
Makiko: [looking over the edge] Oh, that's right, I still look like
Maki-chan. Lemme fix that. [her form shimmers, and Ucchan's
normal body replaces it] Sorry, Kuonji. Our fluffy little Wacky
Maki's still locked up in the hindbrain, safe and sound. You are
so friggin' gullible...
Akane: [pale] You!
Ucchan: [irritably] Quiet, you evolutionary throwback.
[She snaps her fingers, and Akane's mouth is suddenly crammed
full of rubber okonomiyaki.]
Akane: MMmmph!
Ukyou: [quietly] So it was true? You're going to...
Ucchan: [beaming] Uh-huh! I've already downloaded the copy
into Ape Girl's simian cranium... once I kill her, that's that!
Well... once I kill her and you. You just won't die, Kuonji. I kinda
like that. Makes me feel a little better about being made in
your image.
Ukyou: [hands slipping a little] You were NOT made in my
image! You just look like me!
Ucchan: [looking sober for once] Nope. You're not giving Maki-
chan enough credit, Kuonji. She knows you well enough. I AM
you. I'm the you that threw the bombs, I'm the you that wanted
revenge, I'm the you that obsessed over Ranchan. And if you'd
been able to come to grips with that and recognized me for
what I really am, maybe you wouldn't be hanging over certain
death. [she grins] But ya didn't, and so ya are! Isn't this just
so... right? Kuonji Ukyou, eaten by okonomiyaki!
Ukyou: [desperately trying to hold on to the handle] You'll never
get away with this!
Ucchan: [irritated] Why do you people keep saying that? Do you
know how trite that sounds? Okay, you're starting to bore me.
[She pumps her shotgun, points it down into the pit, and aims
carefully.]
Ukyou: [closing her eyes] You can kill us, but Ranchan'll stop
you. Just wait.
Ucchan: [squinting] Ranchan ain't gonna go nothin' but fertilize
my fields, sugar. Bye bye! Send me a postcard when you get to
Hell!
[The shotgun roars.]
Ukyou: [eyes shut] So I'm dead. Hmm. Glad it didn't hurt...
Ucchan: [supremely irritated] Oh, poot. Not again.
[Ukyou opens her eyes. Ucchan, up at the top of the pit, is
staring at a hole in the center of her chest.]
Ucchan: [toppling forward] Just you wait, Kuonji! If AIs go to
Hell, I'll be waiting there for y-
[She plummets into the Killer Okonomiyaki. After a frenzy of
snapping, tearing, and shrieking, an eerie silence falls.]
Ukyou: [dazedly] Akane? Did you do that?
Akane: [shaking her head] Mmmph-mmph.
Makiko: [peering over the edge of the pit] Hi Ucchan!
Ukyou: [amazed] Maki-chan? But... but Ucchan said you were
locked up!
Makiko: [grinning] I was. But when the game started, this nice
multiweapon appeared in my hand, so I kinda blew a hole in the
wall and escaped.
Ukyou: [sliding a bit] Great! Uh, coulda get me out of this pit
before I fall to my death? Please?
Yuriko's Voice: Ukyou? I've regained control of the simulation.
I'm bringing you out.
[Ukyou's hands slip.]
Ukyou: [falling] YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!
[She lands amidst the Killer Okonomiyaki, and then the pit
dissolves into Yuriko's lab.]
Ukyou: [writhing] AUGH! AU- [she stops, and stares at her arms
and legs] Whew! Damn, that hurt...
Yuriko: [smiling] You got her for good, this time. She coded
kills to wipe the dead personality from the brain. 'Ucchan' is
gone.
Makiko: [sighing] Not a moment too soon. My reputation is
shot...
Ukyou: [worried] Yuriko, she said something about downloading
a copy into Akane's hindbrain...
Yuriko: [shaking her head] She was just trying to rattle you.
It's impossible, and even if it weren't, my equipment would
have detected it. Don't worry about that. Worry about who's
going to pay for destroying half of my apartment.
Voice: [from downstairs] Tokyo P.D.! Come out with your hands
up!
Makiko: [eyes wide] Oh my God, I'm going to jail.
Ukyou: [shaking her head] No, you aren't. The kidnapper got
away, right Akane?
Akane: The 200-pound, one-armed rastafarian who kidnapped
me? Yup. They ran like hell. Hope the cops catch her.
Yuriko: [frowning] Shouldn't you tell them the truth?
Ukyou: [scowling] Including the part about who made Ucchan in
the first place?
Yuriko: Gosh, I hope they catch that one-armed rastafarian.
Ukyou: Right. [yelling] We're coming out! Don't shoot!
[Slowly, hands above their heads, they descend the stairs.]
* * *
[Akane's hindbrain. Enormous stoves, pots boiling and hissing
on them, belch flames. A smell of sulfur hangs in the
cavernlike virtual place, and a red glow casts an eerie shadow
over everything. A singed, frantic Ucchan dashes by, a horde of
superdeformed Akanes in hot pursuit.]
Ucchan: [terrified] I'm not him!
SD-Akanes: [waving spiked mallets] Ranma no baka! Ranma no
baka! Die! Die! Ranma no baka!
Ucchan: [running like hell] I'm NOT RANMA, you subhuman little
tomboy freaks!
SD-Akanes: Ranma no baka!
[They vanish into the hellish distance. Fade out.]
* * *
[Ukyou is seated in a simple foldout chair under a spotlight. A policeman
is standing nearby in the darkness, a cigarette burning in his mouth.]
Ukyou: [desperately] I tell you, IT WASN'T ME!
Policeman: [sarcastically] Of course not. It was the artificial
intelligence that took over the mind of your roomie
that did it.
Ukyou: Yes!
Policeman: Or maybe it was the 200 pound, one-armed rastafarian, huh?
Ukyou: Okay, okay, so we lied!
Policeman: [flipping through a folder] Mm-hm. What's this? Sez here
You've got a history of making bombs too, I see.
Ukyou: Wha? Oh, that, I was in high school! C'mon, gimmie a break!
* * *
[A day later.... Ranma's apartment, Ranma is on his bed, eyes closed and
unconscious on his bed. Slowly, he opens his eyes and sees several blurry
shapes hovering over him. As he yawns and rubs his eyes, those figures
come into focus as Akane, Ukyou, and Makiko.]
Akane: [sits on right side of the bed and takes his hand] How're
you feeling?
Ranma: [yawns] A little sleepy, that's all.
Ukyou: [sits on left side of bed, slaps Ranma's knee in a friendly
manner] Takes more than poisoned food to keep Ranchan down, eh?
Ranma: [groggily] Poisoned?
Makiko: [looking relieved, sits at the foot of the bed] Thank goodness,
I'd have felt really guilty if anything did happen.
[Ranma blinks, blinks again, and looks around.]
Ranma: [thinks] Akane's here... Ucchan's here... Makiko's here...
we're on my bed. On.... my bed.
[Ranma's eyes widen and he develops a slight nosebleed.]
Ranma: [thinks] Oh. My. Gosh.
* * *
[Ranma & Akane's kitchen. Onna-Ranma sits on a stool, looking at a
cucumber in her hand thougthfully.]
Ranma: Ya know, these ain't bad.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
finis.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Image Theme: "Get Off Of My Cloud" by the Rolling Stones
Makiko: I live in an apartment on the ninety-ninth floor of my block
And I sit at home looking out the window
Imagining the world has stopped
Then in flies a guy who's all dressed up like a Union Jack
And says, I've won five pounds if I have his kind of detergent pack
Ukyou: I says, Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd
On my cloud baby
Ukyou: The telephone is ringing,
I say, "Hi, it's me. Who is it ther on the line?"
A voice says, "Hi, hello, how are you?"
Well, I guess I'm doin' fine
He says, "It's three a.m., there's too much noise
Don't you people ever wanna go to bed?
Just 'cause you feel so good, do you have
To drive me out of my head?"
Makiko: I says, Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd
On my cloud baby
Makiko: I was sick and tired, fed up with this,
And decided to take a drive downtown.
It was so very quiet and peaceful
There was nobody, not a soul around
I laid myself out, I was so tired and I started to dream
In the morning the parking tickets were just like
A flag stuck on my window screen
Both: I says, Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd
On my cloud
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Hey! You! Get off of my cloud.
Don't hang around 'cause two's a crowd
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes (Rod M)
And so there I was, bumming around the muck, bouncing off ideas,
when a phrase got stuck in my head.
'The Replacement Grillers'
Yes, a rip of John Woo's 'The Replacement Killers'.
I kicked around the idea, and what kind of story that would go with
it, and it was generally agreed that it'd be a great title for a followup
to Mike's DnU7, which was also very Woo-esque.
He said he was all game for it, I said I was all game for it, we
both had plenty of ideas for it.
And then about a year blew by.
And so one day, as Mike was working on yet another one of his epic
dramatic works [I constantly egg him about the fact that he's known
more as a dramatist than as a humor writer, which he vehemently denies]
I decided to drag the man back into comedy. It was about time, anyway,
since I'd been saying I was going to write some DnU. I will write more
DnU in the future, I hope, though not nearly as... spastic as this.
As for this piece of work, I'll admit it's a bit over the top,
but it's slapstick comedy without deep moral messages, and you can
never get enough of that ^.-
Seriously, I am rather proud of this work, and I hope you guys
enjoy it too.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes (Mike Loader)
Rod and I wrote this cause we was bored.
Hey, it was a convention weekend. There was no-one around to mock. The
Keep was empty, and we were both doing desk jobs. Why not write a big-ass
fanfic?
As it happened, we'd both wanted to do a sequel to DnU 7 for some time.
This was the perfect opportunity.
We started by blowing up a building. We ended with cops interrogating the
cast. We had cucumbers, Phantoms, and fights on moving aircraft in the
middle, plus a Gilbert and Sullivan musical number. Tain't many fics that
can say all that, for which we may all be profoundly grateful.
I think, in the end, that this segment of The Keep's logfile best
describes the process of co-writing with Rod under Daav Tai's watchful
gaze.
------------------------------------------------
KEEP4598/rec0000058280535.txt
------------------------------------------------
Rod asks, "hey, ain't one of them maison sabaku tenants
obnoxiously mysterious and wise?"
Mike says, "Sato, yup."
Rod says, "I want ucchan to smack'em one."
Mike says, "He has Mystic Powers."
Rod says, "feh."
David says, "And a shadow stuck on his ass."
Rod says, "must find a way for ucchan to clonk him."
David says, "Remember he has a shadow attached to him as
punishment (see end of DnU 9). Use that."
Mike says, "How? o.o"
David says, "Well, his own shadow could distract him somehow."
Mike asks, ""Hey, man, you got a shadow stuck to your ass."?"
Chris says, "Yes ... let the shadow help Ucchan."
Rod asks, "and what does this shadow do?"
Rod asks, "flap around like a turd?"
David says, "Nope. Just talkative. c.c"
Rod asks, "it TALKS?"
David says, "Hey, it was a shadow demon in the first place. ^_^"
Rod asks, "it's a talking shadow-turd. What is this, south park?"
Mike says, "If it's named Mr. Hankey, I quit. o.o;"
David says, "No it is not. o.o"
Rod asks, "gimmie a demo of it's speech pattern?"
"Hiiidey-hoooo!" / "Silence, Shadow-san."
David says, "That's not it. More like rude, obnoxious, grumpy...
kinda like you, Rod."
Mike says, "Ooooo, he compared you to Sato's shadow poo, Rod."
Chris says, "Don't forget sarcastic, David."
David says, "Does whatever it can to disrupt Sato's life, except
when it's against its best interest. ^_^ YEs, sarcastic."
Mike says, "Is this some sorta joke? Hearts of Ice has the
Shadowcat, and we have the Shadowturd? Is it a force for evil and
feces?"
David says, "No, not really."
Mike says, "Will Cartman enter the kami plane to fight it?"
David says, "It isn't planned."
Rod exclaims, "david, it is going to take a massive force of will
to NOT WRITE THIS SHADOW TURD LIKE MR. HENKEY!!!!!"
Rod asks, "just to clarify, it's a shadow that APPEARS AS IF IT'S
COMING OUT OF HIS ASS?"
David says, "Uh... more like from his feet."
Rod says, "well, that ruins the impact."
Mike breaks down in laughter.
David says, "Sheesh, man, it's basically living AS Sato's Shadow,
you putz. :)"
END
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've seen wonders
As I move through time
More power and magic
Than I thought would be mine
Looking back at yesterdays
Things we used to know
A wasted chance and lonely days
Time moves on, people come and go
Is it my destiny
How am I to know?
Waiting for a miracle while
Searching my soul
A second chance
A dream come true
I'll learn to love again
When I stand by you
So I'm on my way
The journey's just begun
I'm gonna keep all the memories
But never forget the one
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by Mike Loader, Rod M., David Tai, Paul Gallegos, Jeff Hosmer and
John Walter Biles
Artwork by Alexandra Teixeira
Special Thanks to Tucson Animation Screening Society (TASS) and of course
Rumiko Takahashi
Copyright (c) 1999 Digital Knight Communications.
"Ranma 1/2" and its characters are Copyright (c) 1999
Viz Communications, Inc., Shogakukan, Kitty Animation, and Rumiko Takahashi.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------