Understanding Core Values in Relationships
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Nat Smith
Apr 28, 2013, 3:00:19 PM4/28/13
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Please consider this free-reprint article written by:
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Article Title: Understanding Core Values in Relationships
Author: Nat Smith
Word Count: 2097
Article URL: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=1833099&ca=Relationships
Format: 64cpl
Contact The Author: http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1833099
Easy Publish Tool: http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1833099
*********************** ARTICLE START ***********************
We have all heard how important having the same core values in relationships are for them to be successful. But what about our own core values and what is important to us as individuals within a relationship? Just how important are these individual core values to making all our relationships work?
You see we all have a set of individual core values, that is, things that are the most important to us, and those that are least important to us.
Things of value to us might be for example our work, children, a particular area of study, cooking, writing, money� and so the list could go on and on.
Values are things that basically you value, things that you love and are inspired about. Things that don�t require you to be motivated from the outside world to do, you just have that internal flame for it.
On the other hand we all have things that are low on our values. For me one is cooking. To be honest I cannot see the point of spending half hour in the kitchen preparing something that then gets eaten in 5 minutes. However, writing inspires me and I go for hours just flowing with material. This is a prime example of hierarchy of values.
My sister on the other hand loves cooking and is very good at it. She will not just make a dish, but will make it all from scratch. She will make the gnocchi pasta and spend an hour hand rolling it; she will make the full sauce from scratch. A far cry from my dismal 5-minute effort of packet pasta and jarred sauce before I get back into more exciting things!
But I am not wrong for my non-value of cooking and her right. And she is not wrong for her view of cooking and me right. We simply have different values on cooking. She loves the process of it, and her dishes are reflective of this great love of cooking. They are divine every time. They contain love and you can literally taste it.
WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT VALUES
In fact it has been said that no two people have the exact same hierarchy of values. So whilst this is great for variety and giving us the diverse world in which we live, it can be the very source of conflict and frustration with anyone we deal with.
We feel that we are just too different, we don�t like doing the same things, we have different viewpoints, I have to compromise all the time, he always does what he wants to do, she is not interested in my stuff, he always watches sport, my dad was always at work� he never had time for me.
This potential conflict plays out for every relationship we have; from intimate partners to parents (both now and as a child) and friends and business associates. Even entities such as corportions and government agencies� all of them have values and agendas they want met.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOURS OR SOMEONES VALUES?
You can see what your values are by what interests you the most� where you spend most of your time, where you spend your money and what you ensure you have around you in your home or office life.
For example for me, my highest value is my own consciousness and the awakening to the truth of who I am. I have been studying this, meditating and surrounding myself with conscious people for the past 9 years. I will do anything to learn more about myself.
A large chunk of my money has gone on courses, books, seminars, and material over the years that have assisted my consciousness. Now my money goes on creating products to share my wisdom and allow me to speak and write about consciousness.
So if someone looked at my life there would be absolutely no doubt that consciousness is my top value.
Others in your life have their own values too. If you want to see what your partner, family member or friends values are then look at what they demonstrate in their lives. It will usually be fairly obvious if you look.
BUT BEWARE WHAT YOU OR OTHER PEOPLE �SAY� THEY VALUE
One of the traps of values is that it is so easy to fall into believing that you have one set of values, but demonstrate in life a totally different set.
So often we can live the values of someone else instead of what is true for us. We are influenced by what society says or what we believe will make us more accepted, more cool, more social, more money, and ultimately more loved� which is really what are always seeking!
Your life will demonstrate clearly what your true values are right now and your heart and associated resistances will tell you if these values are actually true for you� or if you have fallen into the trap of living someone else�s.
LIVING �YOUR� VALUES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
It can be difficult at times to see, and more importantly admit, that you have slipped into living the values of your partner or those around you. It is subtle and it can creep up on you. But one day you wake up and realise you are not happy and you have not done anything that truly lights your fire in such a long time. Many call it the comfort zone, but maybe we have just so taken on the values of everyone around us, our work colleagues or partner more especially (we do spend a lot of time with them after all) that we have in effect lost �ourselves� in the process.
The difficulty is that you will usually attract a mate that has the exact opposite values to you. Yes opposites do often attract! This is so you learn to love the other parts of what is presenting itself to you in life, and therefore in turn learn to love all parts of yourself. Your partner is reflective of this by having things in them you don�t necessarily love... and to give you the opportunity to love these things through them!
And this is the very purpose of relationships.
Since at our greatest level of truth we are all things, we are naturally surrounded by parts of ourselves that we have yet to love within us. For example, if we have not learned to love greed, and accept that we are all greedy in different ways, we will attract someone into our lives that is overtly greedy so we can learn to see how greed serves us, and the people around us, and in turn accept our own greediness.
You will find that, if you have yet to accept many parts of yourself, you will be surrounded by people that have different value systems to you, to give you the opportunity to see where you have the same traits and learn to love those many parts of you.
There are no mistakes to the relationships you have in your life, including your intimate partner. They are all there to get you to wake up to the truth of who you really are.
However, as you open to loving yourself more, you will find that your relationships reflect a more aligned value system to yourself, as you do not require so many reflections of things you do not like, having already accepted these parts of yourself and integrated them. Or those differences simply don�t affect you anymore. You see them but have no reaction to them. So I am saying that the more you love yourself, the more your partner and other relationships will reflect back to you the things you love.
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT THERE TO MAKE YOU FRUSTRATED!
You are walking down the street with your partner and you are noticing just so many shoes, bags and dresses that you absolutely love. You would love to go into the stores and explore� you know you would just get lost for hours. Then your friend calls and you start telling her about all the sales that are on and the new winter fashion that has just come out. You are both so excited.
Now your partner is quite obviously bored *&%$less with this. He is yawning, playing with his phone and doing everything to get out of being there with you.
Do you get angry with him and frustrated??
Now stop! He is not behaving this way as he is not supportive, not loving you enough or plotting against you to make your life purposely difficult.
He is behaving this way as it is simply not on his list of values to either shop at all, or shop for those things. Maybe he would just love to be in a bookstore or a computer shop instead.
He simply and innocently has a different set of values to you. We all do!
He does not watch sport to annoy you� it is a value of his. He likes sport and he wants to spend time with it, just like you want to do things that are of value to you.
The simple fact is we all have a hierarchy of values and our priority is to have these values met. We will do almost anything to satisfy the things that are important to us. And so will our partners and loved ones. Welcome to the truth of relationships!
THE TRUTH CAN BE PAINFUL!
We are never committed to our partner more than we are committed to having our own values met. A bold statement yes!! True? Yes!
Just have a look at the reality of breakups. Reflect on your own and why you left a relationship� we were going in separate directions, we could not agree on things and argued all the time, we didn�t like the same things and had nothing in common anymore, and the favourite for divorces� �Irreconcilable differences�!
We all have different things that are important to us, different core values in relationships, and when those important things are no longer being met, provided we are being true to ourselves and not overcome with the fear of being without our partner, we will leave a relationship and find someone else that will support those interests more; whether because they are into those same things, or they are simply accepting of your love of them and are okay with you pursuing them within the relationship.
Values can be a hard pill to swallow for the ego. We all like to think that our partner is with us purely out of love. But sometimes the reality can be that you simply satisfy his or her values more than anyone else.
So what does that mean consciously?
The more you learn to accept your own values and live by them, doing what you love and filling your day and space with things that make you feel like �You�, then the more your will either attract or keep a partner that reflects that love back to you.
Additionally, the more you accept the things that are important to you, the more you will accept and respect your own partners values and their great loves of life; and it will not bother you if these things are different. You have what you love anyway!
In this way, you both become free to explore your own lives and loves, but still remain respectfully and lovingly together; as two independent people who share their lives, as that is what you choose and love to do; not from a �need� to get something from each other.
You already have all you need to live as a whole individual inside you now. You do not �need� your partner or another relationship. They are simply there to reflect back to you all that you are, the good and the ugly. When you fully open to this fact, you will have the opportunity to enjoy the differences of your values as much as the similarities.
About The Author: Nat Smith is an author, mentor and the co-Publisher of �Into-Me-I-See� Digital Magazine, facilitating the collaboration of many of the world�s leading Conscious Wayseers to share their wisdom and raw life experiences. Please go to http://into-me-i-see-mag.com/ to download all of our issues for FREE.
Please use the HTML version of this article at:
http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1833099
*********************** ARTICLE END ***********************
- To distribute your articles go to http://www.isnare.com/distribution.php
- For more free-reprint articles go to http://www.isnare.com
Message delivered directly to members of the group:
publish-the...@googlegroups.com
*****************************************************************
Please consider this free-reprint article written by:
Nat Smith
*****************************
IMPORTANT - Publication/Reprint Terms
- You have permission to publish this article electronically in free-only publications such as a website or an ezine as long as the bylines are included.
- You are not allowed to use this article for commercial purposes. The article should only be reprinted in a publicly accessible website and not in a members-only commercial site.
- You are not allowed to post/reprint this article in any sites/publications that contains or supports hate, violence, porn and warez or any indecent and illegal sites/publications.
- You are not allowed to use this article in UCE (Unsolicited Commercial Email) or SPAM. This article MUST be distributed in an opt-in email list only.
- If you distribute this article in an ezine or newsletter, we ask that you send a copy of the newsletter or ezine that contains the article to http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1833099
- If you post this article in a website/forum/blog, ALL links MUST be set to hyperlinks and we ask that you send a copy of the URL where the article is posted to http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1833099
- We request that you ask permission from the author if you want to publish this article in print.
The role of iSnare.com is only to distribute this article as part of its Article Distribution feature ( http://www.isnare.com/distribution.php ). iSnare.com does NOT own this article, please respect the author's copyright and this publication/reprint terms. If you do not agree to any of these terms, please do not reprint or publish this article.
*****************************
Article Title: Understanding Core Values in Relationships
Author: Nat Smith
Word Count: 2097
Article URL: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=1833099&ca=Relationships
Format: 64cpl
Contact The Author: http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1833099
Easy Publish Tool: http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1833099
*********************** ARTICLE START ***********************
We have all heard how important having the same core values in relationships are for them to be successful. But what about our own core values and what is important to us as individuals within a relationship? Just how important are these individual core values to making all our relationships work?
You see we all have a set of individual core values, that is, things that are the most important to us, and those that are least important to us.
Things of value to us might be for example our work, children, a particular area of study, cooking, writing, money� and so the list could go on and on.
Values are things that basically you value, things that you love and are inspired about. Things that don�t require you to be motivated from the outside world to do, you just have that internal flame for it.
On the other hand we all have things that are low on our values. For me one is cooking. To be honest I cannot see the point of spending half hour in the kitchen preparing something that then gets eaten in 5 minutes. However, writing inspires me and I go for hours just flowing with material. This is a prime example of hierarchy of values.
My sister on the other hand loves cooking and is very good at it. She will not just make a dish, but will make it all from scratch. She will make the gnocchi pasta and spend an hour hand rolling it; she will make the full sauce from scratch. A far cry from my dismal 5-minute effort of packet pasta and jarred sauce before I get back into more exciting things!
But I am not wrong for my non-value of cooking and her right. And she is not wrong for her view of cooking and me right. We simply have different values on cooking. She loves the process of it, and her dishes are reflective of this great love of cooking. They are divine every time. They contain love and you can literally taste it.
WE ALL HAVE DIFFERENT VALUES
In fact it has been said that no two people have the exact same hierarchy of values. So whilst this is great for variety and giving us the diverse world in which we live, it can be the very source of conflict and frustration with anyone we deal with.
We feel that we are just too different, we don�t like doing the same things, we have different viewpoints, I have to compromise all the time, he always does what he wants to do, she is not interested in my stuff, he always watches sport, my dad was always at work� he never had time for me.
This potential conflict plays out for every relationship we have; from intimate partners to parents (both now and as a child) and friends and business associates. Even entities such as corportions and government agencies� all of them have values and agendas they want met.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOURS OR SOMEONES VALUES?
You can see what your values are by what interests you the most� where you spend most of your time, where you spend your money and what you ensure you have around you in your home or office life.
For example for me, my highest value is my own consciousness and the awakening to the truth of who I am. I have been studying this, meditating and surrounding myself with conscious people for the past 9 years. I will do anything to learn more about myself.
A large chunk of my money has gone on courses, books, seminars, and material over the years that have assisted my consciousness. Now my money goes on creating products to share my wisdom and allow me to speak and write about consciousness.
So if someone looked at my life there would be absolutely no doubt that consciousness is my top value.
Others in your life have their own values too. If you want to see what your partner, family member or friends values are then look at what they demonstrate in their lives. It will usually be fairly obvious if you look.
BUT BEWARE WHAT YOU OR OTHER PEOPLE �SAY� THEY VALUE
One of the traps of values is that it is so easy to fall into believing that you have one set of values, but demonstrate in life a totally different set.
So often we can live the values of someone else instead of what is true for us. We are influenced by what society says or what we believe will make us more accepted, more cool, more social, more money, and ultimately more loved� which is really what are always seeking!
Your life will demonstrate clearly what your true values are right now and your heart and associated resistances will tell you if these values are actually true for you� or if you have fallen into the trap of living someone else�s.
LIVING �YOUR� VALUES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
It can be difficult at times to see, and more importantly admit, that you have slipped into living the values of your partner or those around you. It is subtle and it can creep up on you. But one day you wake up and realise you are not happy and you have not done anything that truly lights your fire in such a long time. Many call it the comfort zone, but maybe we have just so taken on the values of everyone around us, our work colleagues or partner more especially (we do spend a lot of time with them after all) that we have in effect lost �ourselves� in the process.
The difficulty is that you will usually attract a mate that has the exact opposite values to you. Yes opposites do often attract! This is so you learn to love the other parts of what is presenting itself to you in life, and therefore in turn learn to love all parts of yourself. Your partner is reflective of this by having things in them you don�t necessarily love... and to give you the opportunity to love these things through them!
And this is the very purpose of relationships.
Since at our greatest level of truth we are all things, we are naturally surrounded by parts of ourselves that we have yet to love within us. For example, if we have not learned to love greed, and accept that we are all greedy in different ways, we will attract someone into our lives that is overtly greedy so we can learn to see how greed serves us, and the people around us, and in turn accept our own greediness.
You will find that, if you have yet to accept many parts of yourself, you will be surrounded by people that have different value systems to you, to give you the opportunity to see where you have the same traits and learn to love those many parts of you.
There are no mistakes to the relationships you have in your life, including your intimate partner. They are all there to get you to wake up to the truth of who you really are.
However, as you open to loving yourself more, you will find that your relationships reflect a more aligned value system to yourself, as you do not require so many reflections of things you do not like, having already accepted these parts of yourself and integrated them. Or those differences simply don�t affect you anymore. You see them but have no reaction to them. So I am saying that the more you love yourself, the more your partner and other relationships will reflect back to you the things you love.
YOUR RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT THERE TO MAKE YOU FRUSTRATED!
You are walking down the street with your partner and you are noticing just so many shoes, bags and dresses that you absolutely love. You would love to go into the stores and explore� you know you would just get lost for hours. Then your friend calls and you start telling her about all the sales that are on and the new winter fashion that has just come out. You are both so excited.
Now your partner is quite obviously bored *&%$less with this. He is yawning, playing with his phone and doing everything to get out of being there with you.
Do you get angry with him and frustrated??
Now stop! He is not behaving this way as he is not supportive, not loving you enough or plotting against you to make your life purposely difficult.
He is behaving this way as it is simply not on his list of values to either shop at all, or shop for those things. Maybe he would just love to be in a bookstore or a computer shop instead.
He simply and innocently has a different set of values to you. We all do!
He does not watch sport to annoy you� it is a value of his. He likes sport and he wants to spend time with it, just like you want to do things that are of value to you.
The simple fact is we all have a hierarchy of values and our priority is to have these values met. We will do almost anything to satisfy the things that are important to us. And so will our partners and loved ones. Welcome to the truth of relationships!
THE TRUTH CAN BE PAINFUL!
We are never committed to our partner more than we are committed to having our own values met. A bold statement yes!! True? Yes!
Just have a look at the reality of breakups. Reflect on your own and why you left a relationship� we were going in separate directions, we could not agree on things and argued all the time, we didn�t like the same things and had nothing in common anymore, and the favourite for divorces� �Irreconcilable differences�!
We all have different things that are important to us, different core values in relationships, and when those important things are no longer being met, provided we are being true to ourselves and not overcome with the fear of being without our partner, we will leave a relationship and find someone else that will support those interests more; whether because they are into those same things, or they are simply accepting of your love of them and are okay with you pursuing them within the relationship.
Values can be a hard pill to swallow for the ego. We all like to think that our partner is with us purely out of love. But sometimes the reality can be that you simply satisfy his or her values more than anyone else.
So what does that mean consciously?
The more you learn to accept your own values and live by them, doing what you love and filling your day and space with things that make you feel like �You�, then the more your will either attract or keep a partner that reflects that love back to you.
Additionally, the more you accept the things that are important to you, the more you will accept and respect your own partners values and their great loves of life; and it will not bother you if these things are different. You have what you love anyway!
In this way, you both become free to explore your own lives and loves, but still remain respectfully and lovingly together; as two independent people who share their lives, as that is what you choose and love to do; not from a �need� to get something from each other.
You already have all you need to live as a whole individual inside you now. You do not �need� your partner or another relationship. They are simply there to reflect back to you all that you are, the good and the ugly. When you fully open to this fact, you will have the opportunity to enjoy the differences of your values as much as the similarities.
About The Author: Nat Smith is an author, mentor and the co-Publisher of �Into-Me-I-See� Digital Magazine, facilitating the collaboration of many of the world�s leading Conscious Wayseers to share their wisdom and raw life experiences. Please go to http://into-me-i-see-mag.com/ to download all of our issues for FREE.
Please use the HTML version of this article at:
http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1833099
*********************** ARTICLE END ***********************
- To distribute your articles go to http://www.isnare.com/distribution.php
- For more free-reprint articles go to http://www.isnare.com
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