She Blamed What on His Mother? Part 2 of 3
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RA Jones
May 16, 2013, 7:12:08 PM5/16/13
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Article Title: She Blamed What on His Mother? Part 2 of 3
Author: RA Jones
Word Count: 926
Article URL: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=1839852&ca=Family+Concerns
Format: 64cpl
Contact The Author: http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1839852
Easy Publish Tool: http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1839852
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In part two of my three part article I would like to focus on Helping vs. Enabling. It seems almost like a sign of the times that more and more families find themselves with one or more adult children who are having trouble getting started in life. Often these adult kids end up living with their parents, sometimes beyond their 30th birthday.
Talking with parents in this position if have found that the situation they are dealing with have a great number of similarities with each other. In most cases the parents have raised multiple kids, most of whom have gone on to have relatively successful early lives. However they find themselves dealing with one child that just can�t seem to get their act together. The details of the reasons are as varied as the leaves you have in the yard during the fall, but the actual reasons are remarkably similar across the board.
The common thread seems to be that as some point in the child�s growth, their mind (maturity) stopped growing but their body continued. Now you have someone with the heart & expectations of an unruly teenager with a body of an adult and all the legal rights that brings them. Some cases these Adult Children even start having children of their own, which really makes things complicated for the parents who are still basically caring the adult child. The wellbeing of the grandchildren usually become great leverage for the adult children to use to continue in the life style they have become accustom to�
First, before we start talking about what to do about the situation, I first need to address a large concern of most parents in this situation. Almost all what to know the answer to the question � this is our fault?
The truth is, mostly no... I say mostly because the cause of situation was only somewhat within the parents control, the situation was a result of the child�s perception and instinctive reaction. The continuation of the problem is because the parents allow it to continue. I invite you to visit DragonTamers and review the posting on the PIFTB Cycle. As you will see, the B � Standing for Behavior comes about as a result of the combination of Perception AND the Instinct. Remember Perception is shaped by experience and education, perception changes over time, and perception can be influenced by parents. What parents cannot change is the Instinct which is a result of the genetic predisposition the child has from the moment of conception. Bottom line, as a parent you can do everything right by the best information available today, but still you end up with a 30 year old, unemployed child with kids living in your home, usually rent free.
So if you are dealing with this the question you most likely have is what do you do to fix it?
That is a complex question, and the first step to resolve this issue is to understand if you have a Helping or Enabling issue. Sometimes folks really NEED help, but more often the help you give just allows the individual from needing to make changes in their life. So how do you determine if you are helping or enabling? Well the rule of thumb is pretty simple. Ask yourself this, has the help you given to date resulted in steady and progressive positive changes in the individual�s life? Or have you do you find that your relationship is back to the same place, or even worst over and over again?
If you believe that all your efforts seem to have little or no influence to change the behavior of the adult child, it is more than just a little bit likely that you are Enabling this individual. If that is the case, what do you do? First remember that the moment to moment environment is a result of our choices. Free will exists for both the parent and the adult child. Unfortunately the child has place their own free will in a box and have embraced a life of �what they feel like� where what they want is more important than anything else. In these situation parents have the right and responsibility to exercise their free will and just say no. That is a great place to start. What we find in Enabling situations is that the adult child will not be denied the things they want and believe they need. If the parent does not provide it, the adult child will find it some other way to obtain it. Humans have fantastic instincts which have not only allowed us to survive but to exceed. So rest assured, if you cannot reach them through reasoning, they have all the necessary instincts inside to survive.
In part three of this series I would like to discuss at what point the responsibility of the parent or another individual providing the help ends and what point it begins with the adult child.
Coming back to my relative Jane and her son, Sam we talked about in part 1. Jane was accused of being the one at fault for her son Sam�s failure to basically grow up and stand on his own two feet. I invite you to visit us at Dragon Tamers and let us know what you think. I and my fellow readers also would like to hear your stories and how you resolved this issue (if you did).
About The Author: If you would like to know more details on Nature vs. Nurture, or the �Just Is� please visit us at http://www.dragontamers.com a completely free discussion forum dedicated to helping individuals understand the factors that drive and motivate our actions. This website is a
Please use the HTML version of this article at:
http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1839852
*********************** ARTICLE END ***********************
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Message delivered directly to members of the group:
publish-the...@googlegroups.com
*****************************************************************
Please consider this free-reprint article written by:
RA Jones
*****************************
IMPORTANT - Publication/Reprint Terms
- You have permission to publish this article electronically in free-only publications such as a website or an ezine as long as the bylines are included.
- You are not allowed to use this article for commercial purposes. The article should only be reprinted in a publicly accessible website and not in a members-only commercial site.
- You are not allowed to post/reprint this article in any sites/publications that contains or supports hate, violence, porn and warez or any indecent and illegal sites/publications.
- You are not allowed to use this article in UCE (Unsolicited Commercial Email) or SPAM. This article MUST be distributed in an opt-in email list only.
- If you distribute this article in an ezine or newsletter, we ask that you send a copy of the newsletter or ezine that contains the article to http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1839852
- If you post this article in a website/forum/blog, ALL links MUST be set to hyperlinks and we ask that you send a copy of the URL where the article is posted to http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1839852
- We request that you ask permission from the author if you want to publish this article in print.
The role of iSnare.com is only to distribute this article as part of its Article Distribution feature ( http://www.isnare.com/distribution.php ). iSnare.com does NOT own this article, please respect the author's copyright and this publication/reprint terms. If you do not agree to any of these terms, please do not reprint or publish this article.
*****************************
Article Title: She Blamed What on His Mother? Part 2 of 3
Author: RA Jones
Word Count: 926
Article URL: http://www.isnare.com/?aid=1839852&ca=Family+Concerns
Format: 64cpl
Contact The Author: http://www.isnare.com/eta.php?aid=1839852
Easy Publish Tool: http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1839852
*********************** ARTICLE START ***********************
In part two of my three part article I would like to focus on Helping vs. Enabling. It seems almost like a sign of the times that more and more families find themselves with one or more adult children who are having trouble getting started in life. Often these adult kids end up living with their parents, sometimes beyond their 30th birthday.
Talking with parents in this position if have found that the situation they are dealing with have a great number of similarities with each other. In most cases the parents have raised multiple kids, most of whom have gone on to have relatively successful early lives. However they find themselves dealing with one child that just can�t seem to get their act together. The details of the reasons are as varied as the leaves you have in the yard during the fall, but the actual reasons are remarkably similar across the board.
The common thread seems to be that as some point in the child�s growth, their mind (maturity) stopped growing but their body continued. Now you have someone with the heart & expectations of an unruly teenager with a body of an adult and all the legal rights that brings them. Some cases these Adult Children even start having children of their own, which really makes things complicated for the parents who are still basically caring the adult child. The wellbeing of the grandchildren usually become great leverage for the adult children to use to continue in the life style they have become accustom to�
First, before we start talking about what to do about the situation, I first need to address a large concern of most parents in this situation. Almost all what to know the answer to the question � this is our fault?
The truth is, mostly no... I say mostly because the cause of situation was only somewhat within the parents control, the situation was a result of the child�s perception and instinctive reaction. The continuation of the problem is because the parents allow it to continue. I invite you to visit DragonTamers and review the posting on the PIFTB Cycle. As you will see, the B � Standing for Behavior comes about as a result of the combination of Perception AND the Instinct. Remember Perception is shaped by experience and education, perception changes over time, and perception can be influenced by parents. What parents cannot change is the Instinct which is a result of the genetic predisposition the child has from the moment of conception. Bottom line, as a parent you can do everything right by the best information available today, but still you end up with a 30 year old, unemployed child with kids living in your home, usually rent free.
So if you are dealing with this the question you most likely have is what do you do to fix it?
That is a complex question, and the first step to resolve this issue is to understand if you have a Helping or Enabling issue. Sometimes folks really NEED help, but more often the help you give just allows the individual from needing to make changes in their life. So how do you determine if you are helping or enabling? Well the rule of thumb is pretty simple. Ask yourself this, has the help you given to date resulted in steady and progressive positive changes in the individual�s life? Or have you do you find that your relationship is back to the same place, or even worst over and over again?
If you believe that all your efforts seem to have little or no influence to change the behavior of the adult child, it is more than just a little bit likely that you are Enabling this individual. If that is the case, what do you do? First remember that the moment to moment environment is a result of our choices. Free will exists for both the parent and the adult child. Unfortunately the child has place their own free will in a box and have embraced a life of �what they feel like� where what they want is more important than anything else. In these situation parents have the right and responsibility to exercise their free will and just say no. That is a great place to start. What we find in Enabling situations is that the adult child will not be denied the things they want and believe they need. If the parent does not provide it, the adult child will find it some other way to obtain it. Humans have fantastic instincts which have not only allowed us to survive but to exceed. So rest assured, if you cannot reach them through reasoning, they have all the necessary instincts inside to survive.
In part three of this series I would like to discuss at what point the responsibility of the parent or another individual providing the help ends and what point it begins with the adult child.
Coming back to my relative Jane and her son, Sam we talked about in part 1. Jane was accused of being the one at fault for her son Sam�s failure to basically grow up and stand on his own two feet. I invite you to visit us at Dragon Tamers and let us know what you think. I and my fellow readers also would like to hear your stories and how you resolved this issue (if you did).
About The Author: If you would like to know more details on Nature vs. Nurture, or the �Just Is� please visit us at http://www.dragontamers.com a completely free discussion forum dedicated to helping individuals understand the factors that drive and motivate our actions. This website is a
Please use the HTML version of this article at:
http://www.isnare.com/html.php?aid=1839852
*********************** ARTICLE END ***********************
- To distribute your articles go to http://www.isnare.com/distribution.php
- For more free-reprint articles go to http://www.isnare.com
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