I've been married 25 years most of which have been happy, most of which
have also been filled with turmoil of one sort or another. I suffer
from Bipolar I; a fact we didn't know until 7 years ago. Both our
children, now grown, are bipolar also.

My illness had peaked in severity, although through a combination of
ECT and meds my condition is under control for the first time in many,
many years. I have gone through a metamorphosis, both spiritually and
mentally, gaining a sort of collective wisdom from all my past
experiences. I'm ready to put all that pain, anger, craziness to work
for me. I've already sat down and have written a 250 page book of my
life and believe me it's quite a story. I'm number three in 4
generations of bipolar disease, although as I said it wasn't until
recently the actual diagnosis was made.

My wonderful and devoted husband has stuck by my side from day one,
knowing something wasn't right. Unfortunately, he thought it was a
problem between my mother and me and that once we were apart it would
go away. Instead it only grew worse. But he said he loved the spirit
inside, not the illness on the outside and that he married me "In
sickness and in health." He's a pharmaceutical research scientist. He
stayed by my side through every doctor visit, researched every medicine
I was given and too this day is a faithful caregiver and companion.

The only problem is as I have healed he has become depressed and
withdrawn. This to my knowledge has been going on for a couple of
years. Admittingly, romantically for many more. The doctor says he is
suffering clinical depression as a result of caregiver burnout. I
immediately stepped in and located a Caregiver's Support Group for him
and even ordered him a subscription to Caregivers Magazine. With a bit
of insisting I finally got him to go to my psychologist for couples
therapy.

Imagine my shock when he comes out and says he was burnt out ever since
we were together for just 7 years. He felt alone in the marriage.
That's why he tried to shut me out and would be verbally abusive
towards me at times. To me I was living in a dream world I guess. He
was my night in shining armor. I accepted him as he was. If he got
nasty I felt I deserved it for all the trouble I caused him with my
problem. If he was non-communicative I thought that was just his way
and he was tired from caring for me and the kids. I was so lost in the
world of bipolar I didn't realize that he was only human and I was
pushing him over the edge. No one was caring for him. If I could only
turn back time.

Now he says he has a lot of anger to filter through. I'm trying my best
to hold up and be sensitive to his needs. Listen to him; let him vent.
After all, he is there. He is willing to work on it and not give up.
Here I am wanting to go into addiction counseling, because I've come to
the realization that bipolar became my addiction and excuse not to try,
not to function, not to take care of my self or my family for many
years. That has changed. Still, it is not easy. I have to bite down and
hold back tears. Those insecurities; fears of abandonment; those dark
little monsters are still lurking. I have to keep telling myself, "This
is nothing to get depressed about. You're doing well."

Now I'm faced with a curve ball. I've been experiencing increasing
memory loss. I saw my neurologist and had an MRI. They found several
lesions in the frontal lobes of my brain. Question is was this caused
by ECT or do I have MS is a strong possibility. He's worried sick, yet
reacts angrily about this. So I'm just facing this one on my own for
now; being the strong one for both of us.

Marriage is not easy for a "normal" couple. Supposedly only 1/3 of
marriages succeed these days. It's even more difficult for couples with
a partner with bipolar disease. But it can work; after all, we're still
hanging in there after 25 years. How? I'm not sure. But we are.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I have Bipolar II and was
diagnosed about 6 years ago.  Prior to our marriage, we were both married
for many years (20 years for me) to abusive partners.  I was disagnosed at
the time with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of years of
emotional abuse.  My "favorite" husband had/has MS.  He uses a wheelchair
and has no movement below his neck (he has a rare form of MS called Primary
Progressive and is in the advanced stages). Luckliy for me, my husband is
the most emotionally well adjusted person that I know and my very best
friend.  Through the years, we have cared for each other, he has cared for
me and I have cared for him - through emotional crisis (loss of a child, a
child's attempted suicide, death of a parent, etc.), through
mania/depression for me, through pneumonia and infections for him.  
Sometime, I think that our marriage reflects my Bipolar - there are times of
excruciating pain and times of blissful joy.  The painful times make the
joyful time more joyful and more precious.  Our disabilities have brought us
closer together - we know each other so much more than most couples - our
disabilities have forced us to become more emotionally intimate than
"normal. "

Working in the field of disabiity for years, I have found that disability is
the great magnifying glass - a good marriage becomes better, an "ok"
marriage becomes untenable, a bad marriage becomes unbearable.

Marriage and disability can work - for us, it has meant that we both have to
caregive for each other - one is not always the patient!

Robin from Colorado

Robin,
  I'm very touched by what you wrote.  Perhaps both of you having such deep needs makes it "easier", in that no one feels like the "patient".  

  I wonder whether my husband Jim struggled, more than I know, with being the "diagnosed" person in our marriage.  I didn't see him as ill--he was so well for over 10 years-- but in a way, that was part of the problem--I didn't take his bipolar diagnosis as seriously as I should have.  He and I should have educated ourselves more about bipolar.

  Anyway, I applaude you and your husband and wish you well.

  Judy Eron  

  What Goes Up. . .Surviving the Manic Episode of a Loved One

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. I have Bipolar II and was
diagnosed about 6 years ago. Prior to our marriage, we were both married
for many years (20 years for me) to abusive partners. I was disagnosed at
the time with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder as a result of years of
emotional abuse. My "favorite" husband had/has MS. He uses a wheelchair
and has no movement below his neck (he has a rare form of MS called Primary
Progressive and is in the advanced stages). Luckliy for me, my husband is
the most emotionally well adjusted person that I know and my very best
friend. Through the years, we have cared for each other, he has cared for
me and I have cared for him - through emotional crisis (loss of a child, a
child's attempted suicide, death of a parent, etc.), through
mania/depression for me, through pneumonia and infections for him.
Sometime, I think that our marriage reflects my Bipolar - there are times of
excruciating pain and times of blissful joy. The painful times make the
joyful time more joyful and more precious. Our disabilities have brought us
closer together - we know each other so much more than most couples - our
disabilities have forced us to become more emotionally intimate than
"normal. "

Working in the field of disabiity for years, I have found that disability is
the great magnifying glass - a good marriage becomes better, an "ok"
marriage becomes untenable, a bad marriage becomes unbearable.

Marriage and disability can work - for us, it has meant that we both have to
caregive for each other - one is not always the patient!

Robin from Colorado

  author, What Goes Up. . .Surviving the Manic Episode of a Loved One

  www.judyeron.com
  judye...@pobox.com