The Fall of the Ontario Empire
DenisB
There was a time in the Ontario Empire when there were good hospitals
and schools. The water from the wells was safe to drink. But the
people were unhappy. These things cost money and the people paid for
them through their taxes. The people felt they were not getting ahead.
They wanted home theatre systems, SUVs and boats but something was
getting in their way. The people demanded to know who was responsible
for their plight and that they be fed to the lions. The Premier of the
day was loath to feed anyone to the lions, so the people started
shopping around for a new Premier.
They found a man who could tell them who was to blame for their
plight. "The poor people," said their man. "Poor people pay no taxes
but they live in better houses than you do and do nothing but drink
beer all day." Make me your new Premier, and I'll feed the poor to the
lions. I'll cut your taxes and you can still have your hospitals and
schools." The people needed no more persuading; they carried their man
on their shoulders into the Forum. But the new Premier never said that
he abhorred public schools and hospitals. And he didn't give a fig
about clean well water because he drank only the finest wine and
champagne imported from Gaul.
So the new Premier took over the Forum and promptly had it stocked
with hungry lions. The poor were the first set of indicted ones to be
herded into the arena. With no means to defend themselves they quickly
succumbed to the lions' superior strength (and appetite). The
Premier, resplendent in a pin-striped toga and laurel wreath gleefully
gave the "thumbs down." The crowd roared. Never before had they seen
such sport. The Premier's aides threw tax cuts and rebates into the
stands.
After a time the people grew unhappy again because their children were
no longer getting gladiator training after class. The Premier said it
was the teachers' fault. He fed the teachers to the lions while his
aides tossed tax cuts and rebates into the stands. The crowd roared.
The people were now able to go out and buy TVs and DVD players but
they still couldn't afford SUVs and boats. They grew unhappy and
demanded to know who was to blame. "It's the unions," the Premier told
them. "The union bosses get huge wage settlements for their members
and that leaves less for you." The Premier fed unionized labourers to
the lions (except for the police union which gained the Premier's
favour by impelling the people to vote for him). The crowd roared.
After a time the people began to notice over-crowded waiting rooms in
hospital emergency wards and demanded to know who was to blame. "It's
the nurses," said the Premier. "They're as obsolete as hula-hoops."
The Premier fed the nurses to the lions. The Premier's aides threw tax
cuts and rebates into the stands. The crowd roared.
But then many people died after drinking water from a poisoned well.
The people weren't so concerned about feeding anyone to the lions but
they did want to know who was responsible. The Premier reluctantly
called an inquiry. The Toronto Sun fed the Public Utilities manager to
the lions. The crowd roared, if somewhat tentatively.
Meanwhile the line-ups at hospitals got worse, children still weren't
getting gladiator training after class and the smog got thicker every
summer. The Premier fed nurses, doctors, teachers, principals,
trustees, labourers, municipal councillors, environment specialists,
federal patricians and senior citizens to the lions. The crowd didn't
roar as loudly. First of all, there were fewer of them at the games.
They preferred to watch "Survivor" and "The Weakest Link" on their TVs
and VCRs rather than go to the Forum. Secondly, they weren't so sure
anymore that feeding all these people to the lions was doing any good.
When the Premier showed up at the poison water inquiry he explained
that no one ever told him of any risks if the Empire stopped testing
the water. If they had, he never would have ordered the cuts. It
everyone else's fault for not telling him. He offered to feed them all
to the lions. But there was no roar from any crowd. They'd stopped
going to his games altogether.
One day the Premier woke and found that he already had a gold-lined
pension courtesy of the people and his patrician friends would offer
him high-paying jobs henceforth. He walked away from the Forum leaving
his aides to sort out the mess he left behind.
Thus began the Fall of the Ontario Empire. And great was the fall of
it.
"A conservative government is organized hypocrisy."
- Benjamin Disraeli
mr.e
Write soon. Ignorance and stupidity MUST be beaten down.