BERNADINE, or "Hell Hath No Fury"
Morrissey Breen
[The following is a reconstruction of the events transpiring in the
apartment of Mr Justin Marshall and Miss Bernadine Oliver-Kerby, on
the occcasion of his return after a long campaign. We have
endeavoured to ensure all possible historical accuracy.]
SCENE: An upmarket apartment in the most fashionable part of
Christchurch, New Zealand. In the corner, a videotape of the movie
"Thelma and Louise" is playing. On the classy inbuilt hi-fi system,
the Nancy Sinatra classic "These Boots Were Made for Walking" booms
out. Glamorous, gorgeous Television New Zealand sports presenter
BERNADINE OLIVER-KERBY is in the kitchen, holding a mobile phone in
one hand, and a huge pair of dress-making scissors in the other. She
is talking into the mobile phone....
BERNADINE: Yes, that's what I said. One dollar.... No, there's no
catch. You can come round here and pick them up when it suits you.
.... Sure, ten minutes from now would be fine..... Okay, see you then.
Byeeeee.
[CLOSE-UP - Bernadine's face. Wild glint in eyes, indicating intense,
burning anger. This is somewhat offset by a slight grin, edged with
malevolence, that plays on her lips for a few seconds]
MUSIC: "One of these days these boots are going to WALK RIGHT OVER
YOU!"
SOUND F-X [Door bell] Ping, Pong, Ping! [Voice, from outside]
Yoo-hooooo! Honey, I'm ho-o-o-o-o-o-o-ome!!!!
[EXTREME CLOSE-UP: Bernadine's eyes glower fearsomely]
[Star All Black halfback JUSTIN MARSHALL bounds in through the front
door, breezily oblivious to the prevailing mood...]
JUSTIN: Hey, hon! [walks up to her, gives her a peck on the cheek]
[Bernadine stares ahead silently, blankly, holding the dress-making
scissors]
JUSTIN: Man, am I SHAGGED!
BERNADINE: [bitterly] I'll BET you are.
JUSTIN: [still oblivious] That was some flight, hon! The public
don't know how HARD it is to travel first class from London. [Eyes
cloud over, start to water with self-pity.]
BERNADINE: [robotically] Sipping champagne, eating Cordon Bleu
cuisine. It's a tough life.
JUSTIN: Well it IS! You try to tell the average fan that, but they
just don't wanna know! Say, what's for dinner, hon? I'm F@CKED!
BERNADINE: You can eat out somewhere. I'm not cooking. By the way,
how did you fill in your spare time on tour?
JUSTIN: [strokes chin, averts eyes] Ahhhh..... oh yes. I played
GOLF every spare second I could!
BERNADINE: You ... played golf, did you?
JUSTIN: Y-y-y-y-yes...
BERNADINE: Who with?
JUSTIN: Ahhhh... um.... with... THE BOYS. Of course.
BERNADINE: What did you play with?
JUSTIN: [warily now] Ahhh... with .... my golf clubs?
BERNADINE: Oh really? Despite the fact that you left them here in
the walk-in cupboard?
JUSTIN: Ahhhhhh. I did, too. Ahhhh... I.... I bought another set!
MUSIC: "Keep on walkin', boots!"
BERNADINE: You "bought another set"?
JUSTIN: Yes. That's right. I bought another set. Because...
because.... ahhh.... I'd left my clubs back here.
BERNADINE: Well, then, you won't mind that I sold them.
JUSTIN: [shocked] EH?!!???!?!?!??
BERNADINE: I sold your clubs. Just now. For one dollar. I put them
on e-Bay. The guy's coming round in ten minutes to pick them up.
JUSTIN: [trademark surly, petulant expression on face] You SOLD MY
GOLF CLUBS?!!!?!?!?!? For ONE FREAKING DOLLAR?!!?!?!??!?!!?!??
BERNADINE: [sweetly] We needed the space.
JUSTIN: [incandescent with fury] What FOR?!?!?!?!? So you can
install a WAITING ROOM for the studs that file through here while I'm
away?
TH-W-W-W-W-W-WWWHACK-K-K-K-K-K-K-K!!!!!!
[Justin reels back, his face stinging red from the ferocity of his
fiancee's slap]
BERNADINE: How DARE you?
JUSTIN: I withdraw and apologise. [Eyes brimming with self-pity]
I'm going to change into something comfortable. [Walks into bedroom]
[CLOSE-UP on Bernadine waiting expectantly, the hint of a malignant
smile playing across her tightly pursed lips]
[After about half a minute, a blood-curdling wail rends the air]
JUSTIN: Aa-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-aaaarrrrrrrrggg-h-h-h-h-hhhhh!!!!!! What
the F*@K?!?!?!?!?
[Justin emerges from bedroom, holding three pairs of expensive
trousers, all with their crotches savagely hacked out]
JUSTIN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkk! Hon, look at this!!!!! Someone's
attacked and mutilated EVERY SINGLE PAIR OF PANTS THAT I OWN!!!!!
[Suddenly, Justin falls silent. He beholds Bernadine, staring at him,
completely calm. She is still holding the huge pair of dress-making
scissors]
JUSTIN: I'll get my coat.
SOUND F-X (Doorbell): Ping, Pong, Ping!
[Bernadine walks to door, opens it. A tall, virile looking young man
fills the door-frame.]
MORRISSEY BREEN: I'm here for the golf clubs. [Pulls out dollar
coin]
BERNADINE: Just a minute, please. [Turns to Justin, who is storming
towards the door in a hideous black funk] Here, you'll need THIS.
[Peremptorily tosses him a brochure entitled: "Places to Stay in
Christchurch"] I'll throw the rest of your stuff onto the street
later today.
JUSTIN: You BITCH! I'm going to have you BANNED from any access to
the team from now on! Good BYE! [shoulders his way past Breen,
storms out]
BERNADINE: Good RIDDANCE. Bastard!
BREEN: No man should talk to a woman like that. If you want me to,
I'll go and KICK HIS ASSSS. [Penny drops suddenly] Say.... wasn't
that JUSTIN MARSHALL? And... haven't I seen YOU before somewhere?
BERNADINE: [coquettishly] Well, maybe you have... Say, you look
like like you're a player. Why don't you come in for a while? What
do you drink - beer, wine or Pimms?
@ellenbrook.net greg
Breen) wrote:
Hahaha, fuck you are a wanker, hahaha
steve
>>BERNADINE: [coquettishly] Well, maybe you have... Say, you look
>>like like you're a player. Why don't you come in for a while? What
>>do you drink - beer, wine or Pimms?
> Hahaha, fuck you are a wanker, hahaha
Whatever hs is, he's funny. :-)
ERNEST THE SHEEP
Bernadine seems like such a nice girl on the television. I find it very hard
to believe that she would put it about like that.
Mike Thompson
> BERNADINE, or "Hell Hath No Fury"
>
I have bad news. Your pretensions are not matched by ability.
Adam Cameron
> Christchurch,
Just this bit here gives it away as a work of fantasy, doesn't it?
Adam
didgerman
> like like you're a player. Why don't you come in for a while? What
> do you drink - beer, wine or Pimms?
BREEN: [thinking to himself] What the hell do I ask for to go in the
Pimms, catnip just isn't sexy.......
BREEN: [speaking in new found low voice] A beer please.
BERNADINE: [suddenly deflated] Great, here you go, now, about these
clubs.....
steve
LOL!
The pretty girls who seek attention (actresses, TV folk) often do....for the
right guys.
They love the attention....and the sense of personal power.
They are in control. Don't ever worry about that.
walter mitty
Walter blinks in amazement as he realises that Earnest has yet again
completely misread a post.
Exactly *where* does she put it around in the post??????
walter mitty
LOL.
MB post followed by "that was not funny" MT post. Spring, summer,
Autumn. Where does the time go?
Ian Jennings
> SCENE: An upmarket apartment in the most fashionable part of
> Christchurch, New Zealand.
There are fashionable parts of New Zealand? I thought you were going
for accuracy here.
Ian
Mike Thompson
What on earth are you going on about, lippy? I've never responded to
Breen's flouncy drivel before. Ever.
I hardly read his manicured fluff, so there's never been a need. But it
was a slow news day today, so I made the mistake of reading past his
name and, after suffering for a page, I felt like commenting. Once.
--
Mike
A L P
Hey Ian, you forget that kitchen sink theatre is *so* passe. This is the
post-post postie-post post modernism of Ivor Novello nouveau sans
musique. return to the proscenium arch movement. Theatre in the round
is square, gritty is shitty, we are enamoured of glamour once more. Get
with the program!
A L P
Greig Blanchett
Upmarket Chch is a cee-ment pond and an outside hog pen.
--
greig
walter mitty
My mistake : confused you for ,erm, I forget :(
Professor Longhair
of his depth in message
news:<4131621c$0$7224$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au>...
> Morrissey Breen wrote:
>
> > BERNADINE, or "Hell Hath No Fury"
> >
>
> I have bad news. Your pretensions are not matched by ability.
Oooooohhhh, I wonder if you have the competence to make such a
judgement. I note that your opinion is unsupported.
Ian Jennings
> Ian Jennings wrote:
> > There are fashionable parts of New Zealand? I thought you were going
> > for accuracy here.
> >
> > Ian
>
> Hey Ian, you forget that kitchen sink theatre is *so* passe. This is the
> post-post postie-post post modernism of Ivor Novello nouveau sans
> musique. return to the proscenium arch movement. Theatre in the round
> is square, gritty is shitty, we are enamoured of glamour once more. Get
> with the program!
Sure, sure, but then why set the play in New Zealand?
Ian
Hugh
Maybe the government should legislate to end this unfair
discrimination against the old and the ugly then... :-)
By the way Breen, your post is misleading and out of context. I think
you know why.
Hugh
A L P
Funding!
A L P
Mr Scebe
"Professor Longhair" <denver_state_p...@hotmail.com> wrote in
message news:d1110173.04082...@posting.google.com...
> Oooooohhhh, I wonder if you have the competence to make such a
> judgement. I note that your opinion is unsupported.
Unsupported? His comments have got more support than one of Anna Nicole
Smith's bra's. Now fuck off, you unconscionable bore.
--
Mr Scebe
"Pershonally i think you're a fucking idiot"
~Sean Connery in "The Rock"
Morrissey Breen
>
> Unsupported?
Absolutely. He simply made a (patently silly) statement - and that
was that! No support for his statement at all. I wonder if you've
ever done any serious academic study at some time in your life? If
so, you'll get my point when I say that poor old Mike Thompson left
himself a little, well, .... exposed. Threw himself a hospital pass,
really.
>
> His comments have got more support than one of Anna Nicole
> Smith's bra's.
[sic!]
>
> Now fuck off, you unconscionable bore.
No fear.
Professor Longhair
> "Professor Longhair" <denver_state_p...@hotmail.com> wrote in
> message news:d1110173.04082...@posting.google.com...
>
> > Oooooohhhh, I wonder if you have the competence to make such a
> > judgement. I note that your opinion is unsupported.
>
> Unsupported? His comments have got more support than one of Anna Nicole
> Smith's bra's.
[sic!]
.... < Snip foul language>....