Framework of NVC

[Sergiy]

Hello Ged,

I would like to find our more about frame work of NVC.

As I understand there are four steps: Observation, Feelings, Needs,
Request.

What kind of framework for each step?

Like Observation, it is observe behavior without interpretation, just
plain and obvious behavior.

Feelings, it is my feelings that I owning.

Needs - my needs.

Request - my request.

It would be nice if you can elaborate on these four steps.
Explain the aim, direction, bad and good example of all these four.
Specially, I thinking about Request, what aim it have, what direction
is takes, and what bad and what good example of it?

And other, how these four steps interacting and joining to each other?

It was specific question to meeting 1, in regards to basics of NVC.

And as well I would like to found out what is the general framework
for NVC.

Like one time at Uni I had interpersonal skills subject for
psychology.
And there were 3 modules: Sending, Receiving, and kind somewhere at
the middle.
1st, 2nd, 3rd person positions.

I was thinking that this meeting 1 exercises look like for Sending.
And I presume that in NVC there also Receiving (listening) and 3rd
person position, like negotiation.
Because then we sending, we look on us, then we listening we look on
other person, and then we negotiating we look on both - on us and
other person, in order to meet all needs.

So, one question in regards to 4 steps from meeting 1, and other
question in regards to the general framework of NVC.

[Ged]

The purpose is to establish the quality of connection that makes it
more likely to get needs met, and less likely for conflict or
violence.

What i think at the moment is that it begins with the sending and
receiving positions you mention.
Expressing oneself in OFNR, and then listing for the OFNR in what
others are saying.

This happens not only between people, but within a person. How we
communicate with and hear ourselves.

Krishnamurti once said that the highest form of intelligence is to
observe without judgment. That is what i try to cultivate with NVC.

Obviously the first step "observations" is all about this, removing
moralistic judgments (right/wrong, good/bad, etc) and just seeing what
is.
Also it is helpful to apply this mentality to feelings and needs.

If one is to judge the feelings and needs present as "right" or
"wrong" then one gets distracted from what IS. Feelings can not be
right or wrong, they simply ARE.
Sometimes we are told that feelings are bad, or inappropriate, or
whatever, and that makes it harder to hear them, accept them, and
connect with the needs, and get needs met.

Also there are no feelings that are more or less important than other
feelings. Often people are educated in competitive environments,
whereby one person is more or less valuable than another, gets a
higher ranking, gets a better grade, gets the shiny trophy. However
this distracts us from the fact that we are NOT in competition with
each other, life is better served when we cooperate. Also one of our
needs is to help another is for cooperation, so competition is not
only harmful in understanding, and can lead to conflict and violence,
but it goes against our inner nature.

These points apply to needs as well. No need is more or less
valuable, there can not be ranked in value, there is no scale, they
just ARE. Needs are not right or wrong, they just ARE. Needs are not
competitive.
Of course authorities often teach the opposite, that the need for sex
is not as important as the need for spiritual enlightenment,
that the needs of the slaves are not as important as the needs of the
king or queen or president or boss,
that the needs for freedom must be sacrificed to meet the needs for
security, etc.

So one can apply the intention of "observing without judgment" to then
entire NVC process,
and when that happens the 2 positions of "sending" and "receiving"
become one position, of connecting to life.
In which no needs have more or less value, even to the point of
observing that your needs are not more valuable than my needs, or
rather that they are not MY needs, they are simply "needs that are
present".

From this position it is very difficult to apply thoughts of guilt or
shame or fear or embarrassment upon my feelings and needs, because
they are no longer attached to the concept of "me".
Just as a person may grow up believing they ARE a christian, and face
the conflicts and problems in life that relate to that, until they
realise that are not those beliefs, they are not "a christian", they
are a person who has learnt those beliefs. The concept of "me" was
tied to the concept of "a christian".
In the same way there are problems and conflicts when we beliefs that
we ARE the feelings and needs, when the concept of "me" is tied to the
experience of the present feelings and needs.

And ultimately one observes without any identification to the "me".
Feelings and needs simply ARE. One position.

Just now i have explained the NVC process beyond the basic OFNR, so if
you want to stick to the basics, the intention it to create the
quality of connections that make it more likely needs will be met and
conflict wont happen. By observing, connecting to what is present,
without evaluation.

-Ged

[Ged]

As for requests, well one handy way of looking at them is in 3
categories;

1- Clarity requests;
"can you tell me what you just heard so i can make sure ive expressed
what i mean accurately?"
2- Connection requests;
"how do you feel hearing this?"
3- Action requests.
"can you please give me a hug?"

Requests are an expression of what MAY meet the present needs in this
moment.

Make sure they are always a REQUEST, and the person is not hearing a
demand, and the person is not doing as you ask out of guilt, shame,
obligation, duty, to pay you back, to make you like them, or any of
that sort of stuff.
They are only doing it "with the same joy of a small child feeding a
hungry duck".

They are something they can do in this moment.
They do not know how they will feel or what needs will be present then
so keep away from contracts and other stuff like that.

And realise that the needs may not be met with this action AND that
there are MANY ways of meeting the needs.
Getting stuck on a particular strategy for meeting needs is very
dangerous and leads to nasty conflict.
Like a person who has been convinced that everyone worshiping Ala is
the only way to meet a need for peace, or a person who believes that
obey the ten commandments is the only way of meeting a need for
safety, or that killing people in another country is the only way of
meeting needs for freedom.

-Ged