Not so sure I like "requests," either.

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Angela Harms

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Nov 18, 2009, 2:16:43 PM11/18/09
to NVC Evolves
Last year, I wrote "I've decided I want to try only making invitations
for a while," and got some replies I enjoyed a lot. I'd been talking
about how "requests" didn't seem to me to be in line with what we're
wanting when we "do" NVC.

I've spend the last year working with this idea, subjecting it to
criticism, holding it up to the light. And I've concluded that I
really don't have much use for requests. I'm done with them. They
don't lead to connection in my life. More often, they lead to
stuckness, and reactions of compliance or rebellion, neither of which
appeals to me.

I'm wondering if anybody else has worked with this idea over the past
year, and what results you've come up with? Is there any reason to
hang on to requests as part of our understanding of nvc (or nvc2.0)?

By the way, I'm moving to Central Ohio, and would love to connect with
people there. Drop me a line if you're nearby!

Angela

Natalie Fialho

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Nov 20, 2009, 7:10:56 AM11/20/09
to NVC Evolves
Dear Angela,

thank you so much for raising that issue :)

I read your post last year (some month after it has been raised for
the first time I guess :) and wanted to let you know that it resonated
with me a lot even if I am not always able to live in nvc consciousnes
I found it very valuable for me to refelct and check this particular
piece of information about request vs invitations.
I would really love to know what has com up for you in the last year
and if you decide to explore this more I would also love to be part of
it :)

I would like to ask for your permission to post your idea about the
life-enriching factor of requests to people outside this group, would
that be ok with you?

LOL I am wondering how to make this an invitation rather than a
request....lets see....

I would really love to share you thoughts about this with other people
and I would like to know if you then afterwards would maybe be
interested in knowing about what other people feel about this or if
you rather would prefer that I do not share this?

Hmm anyway will send message now :)

Warmly,
Nat

P.S: I had a god laugh when I read ncv2.0 :)

P.P.S. The message I sent per email is stuck somhewere in the intenret
(maybe it will com through in a few days) s I decided to post again,
hope nobody minds.

Lea

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Nov 20, 2009, 12:23:59 PM11/20/09
to NVC Evolves

Hi Angela, good to hear from you and see this list revived...

I have often found myself not having a need to formulate any "request"
at all, after having connected with myself and felt my own needs.

I guess the "request" depends on what depth of interaction we are
talking about. I have no problem saying, "I'm feeling too warm, are
you feeling too warm too, can you turn down the heating". But if we're
dealing with some deeper psychological stuff, the request comes way,
way, way later, if at all, for me. I've often felt irritated when I
see people trying to launch into a 4-step process right off the bat
and cover it all in the first couple of minutes. Feels very affected
and unnatural, and not leading to connection.

I've also learned that "request" does not necessarily mean "my
suggestion for what I would like you to do (that I have worked out on
my own, in my mind, and am now presenting to you to say either yes or
no to)". A request can also take the form of asking for feedback,
asking to be told what they have heard or what they would like, asking
if there is anything that they would like to say. That way feels much
more natural and connected to me and leads to possible solutions that
arise from mutual dialog, rather than one party presenting a "request"
unilaterally to the other one for approval.

Lea

Suzanne

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Nov 21, 2009, 1:18:41 PM11/21/09
to NVC Evolves
Hi Angela,
Yes, invitations seem more comfortable to me. Have you heard of Sonja
Foss' work on Invitaional Rhetoric?
Suzanne Jones

Kenforma

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Nov 23, 2009, 2:04:58 PM11/23/09
to NVC Evolves
I was wondering if you could go into a little more detail regarding
what you consider to be the essential difference(s) between an
invitation and a request, and perhaps post a few more examples. I'm
sometimes having difficulty grasping the distinctions. Then again
I've always had difficulty with the request portion of traditional
NVC.

Thanks in advance.

Natalie Fialho

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Nov 23, 2009, 2:31:44 PM11/23/09
to NVC Evolves
Hi Kenforma (?),

the difference I see between a request and a invitation is in the
intention...when I request something from somebody my intention most
probably is that this person does what I ask for....with an invitation
it is more like a gift I offer and when people feel really invited
they have more ease in saying no...I guess.

Does that make sense?

Warmly,
Nat

Kenforma

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Nov 23, 2009, 4:32:58 PM11/23/09
to NVC Evolves
Thanks for responding Natalie but unfortunately I'm still finding this
to be a rather amorphous distinction that I'm having a difficult time
grasping. My understanding of requests in traditional NVC (and I'm
very much a beginner) is that the request should have the intention
to enrich the life of everyone involved. Essential in this is that
the other person is to be left free to honor or decline the request.
My understanding is that you should be coming from a place where
hearing a no would be just as good as hearing a yes. At least that's
my interpretation of what I've been reading.

I'm not quite sure how the intent referred to above would in fact
somehow contain also the intention "most probably... that this person
does what I ask for"

Thanks

Ken

Angela Harms

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Nov 23, 2009, 11:52:26 PM11/23/09
to NVC Evolves
Uh-oh. I got behind already!

@Natalie, I would like to have it shared. :)
----
@Lea, I have noticed this too. I've been thinking, these last few
days, that I'm still "requesting" small things, like "Could you hand
me my sweater." And that has me wondering about how much I want to
take responsibility for someone else making it into something other
than an invitation.

Turns out, though, that I actually want to take that on. I enjoy
helping people discover their freedom, and so maybe I will even turn
those little things into invitations, if I can figure out how to do it
without being incredibly annoying.
----
@kenforma

I'm afraid I'm not understanding where you're sticking place is, so I
can't help clarify.

Angela
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