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Date: Wed, 3 Sep 2008 05:14:48 -0700 (PDT)
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References: <0900e64c-467e-41cf-a500-eed5614f1126@k13g2000hse.googlegroups.com> 
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Subject: Re: A Little Connection in Brief Social Contacts
From: "E.G Hornfield" <livinginl...@gmail.com>
To: NVC Evolves <nvc-evolves@googlegroups.com>
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heheh, I like responding to the "hi, how are you doing" with  an
acknowledging head nod as i think about recognizing that thats what
they just said. lol

  Its the connection usually based on values  sadly unfulfilled by the
socially acceptable and conditioned "Hi, How are you?"  I notice most
of the time "Hi, How are you" is used as a tool for recognition or
transition into a new relational agreement with new boundaries.  I
rarely find that sharing actually what is going on in me / with me as
the connective factor.  CSRs (customer service representative)  lol,
are my favorite to test this speculation on.  I like to respond to the
"HI, How are you" by sharing that im curious if saying that to
everyone all day really "does it for them."  "really is enjoyable at
all?"  The usual response in "no, it's policy,  im not interested how
everyone is doing, i just want to help and get them on there way."
This goes the same for the apartment i live in.  There's one man who
waits for me to ask how he's doing back after he so politely asks me.
Im not interested or curious how he's feeling because i don't believe
we can really know how we feel in such a quick social experience ( nvc
social change immed communication vs. focusing presence and waiting in
the unsaid and not seen sense), as i use the latter to approach life
more frequently now adays, or at least a mix:)..tangent.....im back
Sooo, instead of asking him how he's doing and guessing, i take the
approach of noticing present objective surroundings.  Ill see him and
say "Hi, your walkin down the hallway.", or, "were standing here
waiting for the elevator."  Both said with a declarative and open
ended tone.  I find that he, and many other people i approach this
social HI with, creates a sense of induction into whats happening
now.  Then i will notice something about they're body.  "Your hair is
blond", or share something that strikes me like a tee shirt or type of
dress.  Then we're tstationed in an environment noticing the other,
in a silence that is awkwardly connective, as if we really knew each
other well.  Pretty cool:)  Or, "Hi how are you."  "Hi, your working
today and im buying food."  AND there's SOMETHING ALL ABOUT THAT.  I
enjoy that open uncertainty of what kind of meaning and experience we
have with this observation.  A REAL sense of THAT OR THAT.  That space
cold then be acted upon to drive deeper into what makes this moment
real and experiential  (sensations : tight /open or  idea feelings :
sad / happy) or noticing the meaning of the setting and specific
values conceptualized within it.

I like what Craig said above with the Chihuahua approach.  "Your
carrying a dog.  I like dogs:) You seem to too?"

Peace out,
~Z

On Sep 2, 5:42=A0pm, "Niklas Wilkens" <Vor...@gmx.de> wrote:
> I'm glad you bring this back on the table, Craig.
>
> I take the opportunity to share something about Gedding's idea on how to =
respond when I ask sincerely "How are you?" and get a "Good" back. The idea=
 was to say "Good like happy?" to indicate real interest and expand the ter=
ritory of possible answers.
> This really works very well for me. I did it several times now and it led=
 to more connection.
>
> Thank you for that, Gedding.
>
> I also like your ideas, Craig. I'm gonna try that.
>
> Thanks for this forum! It really helps :-)
>
> Niklas
>
> -------- Original-Nachricht --------
>
>
>
> > Datum: Tue, 2 Sep 2008 12:26:43 -0700 (PDT)
> > Von: Craig Sones Cornell <st...@craigsonescornell.com>
> > An: NVC Evolves <nvc-evolves@googlegroups.com>
> > Betreff: A Little Connection in Brief Social Contacts
>
> > Gedding, I believe you posted on an earlier thread your discontent
> > with superficial greeings like How are you? Good. You longed for more
> > authenticity and connection. I hope I have that right. Correct me if I
> > am wrong. This situation has been very alive for me. I have had a few
> > success in breaking the cultural pattern that I wanted to share with
> > you.
>
> > Yesterday, while my wife and I were walking on the beach, we were
> > passing a big burly man with a Chihuahua in his arms. I would normally
> > smile and say hello. Instead I said =93My sister loves Chihuahuas too.=
=94
> > Bam instant communication and connection. He beamed with pride and
> > said thank you for noticing. I was able to convey that I saw something
> > that was special to me about him and he acknowledged it with joy.
> > Hardly perfect OFNR or a variation. We were not ready to unburden our
> > souls in depths of celebration and mourning. Still much more
> > satisfying and life serving than just hello.
>
> > At Whole Foods this morning the cashier asked me how I was. I
> > responded =93bubbling with liveliness and I hope you are too.=94 Wow di=
d
> > we then share a fun little exchange about what was important to us.
> > Even when I am sad or mourning, if I am truly connected to feelings
> > and needs, this an honest response that is inherently pattern
> > breakikng and connecting. It is also not threatening.
>
> > I am curious Gedding if this is helpful in evolving NVC possibilities
> > for you. Anyone else like to share their experiences?.
>
> > Craig.
>
> --
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