[OL] More one-liners

[Reacher]

* A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you
were here."
* A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
* After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
* Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
* Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
* Do fish get cramps after eating?
* Do married people live longer than single people or does it just
seem longer?
* Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the
Special Olympics?
* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
* Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will
be up all night?
* Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
* Ever notice how irons have a setting for PERMANENT press? I don't
get it...
* Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
* Factorials were someone's attempt to make math look exciting.
* For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out...
* George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you
can't hear him talk.
* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always
ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
* How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees?
* How young can you die of old age?
* I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
* I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I
got there.
* I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on
and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only
stutter in Spanish.
* I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
* I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of
bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
* I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
* I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
* I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without
hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
expect it.
* I can levitate birds. No one cares.
* I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
* I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out.
* I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything
in my house is shiny.
* I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't
doing what I was doing.
* I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
* I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
* I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
* I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look
at it.
* I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
* I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
* I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above
me are furious!
* I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]
* I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like
the white part.
* I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
* I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I
was still inside.
* I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
* I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car
with a coat hanger.
* I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car
going really fast, and stick it out the window.
* I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in
time.
* I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to
give it back.
* I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
* I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told
him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He
asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because
my calendar has no sevens on it.
* I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
* I think it's wrong that the game Monopoly is made by only one
company.
* I tried sniffing Coke once, but ice cubes went up my nose.
* I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you
couldn't park anywhere near the place.
* I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.
* I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
* I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell...
except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
* I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
* I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in
front of me, and I didn't hear it.
* I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about
everything.
* I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no
feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
* I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
* I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything
specific.
* I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I
ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
* I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said,
"Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
* I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
* I woke up one day and everything was replaced with an exact replica.
* I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
* I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.
* I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just
have to fill in the rest.
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is
that considered a hostage situation?
* If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are
they all still working?
* If God dropped acid, would he see people?
* If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice
as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have
monkeys and apes?
* If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
* If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
* If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward,
would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
* If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
* If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
* If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
* In my house, on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above...so I never have to go upstairs.
* Is "tired old cliche" one?
* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
* Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and
turns up my radio every time I park?
* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
* Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
* It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
temperature.
* It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
* Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't
live there.
* Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were
broadcast all over the world.
* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next
door went nuts.
* Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood
around and sang Happy Birthday.
* Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
* My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
* My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
* My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I
go over there and write misspelled words on them.
* My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across
the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over
my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
* My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
* My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder."
* My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
* Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.
* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe
you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to
be in contact with it.
* The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
* The other day I was playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
* The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
* There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
* There's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun
I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a
letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."
* There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.
* There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
* This girl told me she was a nymphomaniac but was only attracted
to Jewish cowboys... I said, 'My name is Bucky Goldstein.'
* Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
* Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a
second.
* What's another word for 'thesaurus'?
* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts?
* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
* Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the
battery is dead?
* Why does lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but
dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
* Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open,
it's not adoor?
* Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "You have to put
your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
* You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

From Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist

* 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
* Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
* Half the people you know are below average.
* Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
* I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
* I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the
prescription ran out.
* I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
* I'm totally insane. I'm so wired. I'm sweating internally.
* If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
* If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
* My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made
your horn louder.'
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
cheese.
* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to
be on it.
* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
* The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
is research.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

(c) Steven Wright; http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Steven_Wright