COMIC GENIUS
Will
Whither Canada?
(A seashore. Some way out in the sea a ragged man is struggling his way to
shore. Slowly and with difficulty he makes his way up onto the beach, flops
down exhausted and announces:)
Man: (MP) It's...
Voice Over: (JC) Monty Python's Flying Circus.
(Titles beginning with the words 'Monty Python's Flying Circus'. Various
bizzare things happen. When the titles end: Ordinary grey-suited announcer
standing by desk. He smiles confidently.
Announcer: (GC) Good evening.
(The announcer confidently moves to chair and sits down. There is a squeal
as of a pig being sat upon. Cut to blackboard with several lines of pigs
drawn on it in colour. A man steps into view and with a piece of chalk
crosses out one of the pigs)
CAPTION: 'IT'S WOLFGANG AMADEUS MOZART'
(Mozart sitting at piano tinkling with the keys. He finishes tinkling.)
Mozart: (JC) Hello again, and welcome to the show. Tonight we continue to
look at some famous deaths. Tonight we start with the wonderful death of
Genghis Khan, conqueror of India. Take it away Genghis.
(Cut to Genghis Khan's tent. Genghis strides about purposefully.
Indian-style background music. Suddenly the music cuts out and Genghis Khan
with a squawk throws himself in the air and lands on his back. This happens
very suddenly. Judges hold up cards with points on, in the manner of ice
skating judges.)
Voice Over: (GC) 9.1, 9.3, 9.7, that's 28.1 for Genghis Khan.
(Mozart still at piano.)
Mozart: Bad luck Genghis. Nice to have you on the show. And now here are the
scores.
(Scoreboard with Eddie Waring figure standing by it. The scoreboard looks a
little like this:)
St Stephan 29.9
Richard III 29.3
Jean D'arc 29.1
Marat 29.0
A. Lincoln (U.S. of A.) 28.2
G. Khan 28.1
King Edward VII 3.1
Eddie: (EI) Well there you can see the scores now. St Stephen in the lead
there with his stoning, then comes King Richard the Third at Bosworth Field,
a grand death that, then the very lovely Jean d'Arc, then Marat in his
bath - best of friends with Charlone in the showers afterwards - then A.
Lincoln of the U.S of A, a grand little chap that, and number six Genghis
Khan, and the back marker King Edward the Seventh. Back to you, Wolfgang.
(Mozart still at piano.)
Mozart: Thank you, Eddie. And now time for this week's request death.
(taking card off piano) For Mr and Mrs Violet Stebbings of 23 Wolverston
Road, Hull, the death of Mr Bruce Foster of Guildford.
(Cut to a lounge setting. Mr Foster sitting in chair.)
Foster: (GC) Strewth! (he dies)
(Mozart still there. He looks at watch.)
Mozart: Oh blimey, how time flies. Sadly we are reaching the end of yet
another programme and so it is finale time. We are proud to be bringing to
you one of the evergreen bucket kickers. Yes, the wonderful death of the
famous English Admiral Nelson.
(Cut to a modern office block, as high as possible. After a pause a body
flies out of the top window looking as much like Nelson as possible. As it
plummets there is a strangled scream.)
Nelson: Kiss me Hardy!
(The body hits the ground. There is the loud noise of a pig squealing. Cut
to a polytechnic night school Teacher looking down out of classroom window.
He crosses to a long wall blackboard with line of pigs drawn on near end. He
crosses one off, walks along blackboard to other end which has written on it
'evening classes 7-8p.m. '. He writes 'Italian' below this and turns to
camera.)
Teacher: (TJ) Ah - good evening everyone, and welcome to the second of our
Italian language classes, in which we'll be helping you brush up your
Italian. Last week we started at the beginning, and we learnt the Italian
for a 'spoon'. Now, I wonder how many of you can remember what it was?
(Shout of 'Si, Si, Si,' from the class whom we see are all Italians.)
Teacher: Not all at once ... sit down Mario. Giuseppe!
Giuseppe: (MP) II cucchiaio.
Teacher: Well done Giuseppe, or, as the Italians would say: 'Molto bene,
Giuseppe'.
Giuseppe: Grazie signor ... grazie di tutta la sua gentilezza.
Teacher: Well, now, this week we're going to learn some useful phrases to
help us open a conversation with an Italian. Now first of all try telling
him where you come from. For example, I would say: 'Sono Inglese di
Gerrard's Cross', I am an Englishman from Gerrard's Cross. Shall we all try
that together?
All: Sono Inglese di Gerrard's Cross.
Teacher: Not too bad, now let's try it with somebody else. Er... Mr... ?
Mariolini: (JC) Mariolini.
Teacher: Ah, Mr Mariolini, and where are you from?
Mariolini: Napoli, signor.
Teacher: Ah ... you're an Italian.
Mariolini: Si, si signor!
Teacher: Well in that case you would say: 'Sono Italiano di Napoli'.
Mariolini: Ah, capisco, mi!le grazie signor...
Francesco: (EI) Per favore, signor!
Teacher: Yes?
Francesco: Non conosgeve parliamente, signor devo me parlo sono Irallano di
Napoil quando il habitare de Milano.
Teacher: I'm sorry ... I don't understand!
Giuseppe: (pointing to Francesco) My friend say 'Why must he say...'
(Hand goes up at back of room and a Lederhosen Teutonic figure stands up.)
Helmut (GC): Bitte mein Herr. Was ist das Won für Mittelschmerz?
Teacher: Ah! Helmut - you want the German classes.
Helmut: Oh ja! Danke schön. (he starts to leave) Ah das deutsche
Klassenzimmer... Ach! (he leaves)
Giuseppe: My friend he say, 'Why must I say I am Italian from Napoli when he
lives in Milan?'
Teacher: Ah, I... well, tell your friend ... if he lives in Milan he must
say 'Sono Italiano di Milano...'
Francesco: (agitatedly, leaping to his feet) Eeeeeee! Milano è tanto meglio
di Napoli. Milano è la citta la più bella di tutti ... nel mondo...
Giuseppe: He say 'Milan is better than Napoil'.
Teacher: Oh, he shouldn't be saying that, we haven't done comparatives yet.
(In the background everyone has started talking in agitated Italian. At this
point a genuine mandoline-playing Italian secreted amongt the cast stnkes
up: 'Quando Caliente Del Sol...' or similar. The class is out of control by
this time. The teacher helplessly tries to control them but eventually gives
up and retreats to his desk and sits down. There is a loud pig squeal and he
leaps up.)
Animation: (The blackboard with the coloured pigs drawn on it, is reproduced
in the first few frames of the animation film. A real hand comes into the
picture and crosses off a third pig. Thereafter the action follows the
dictates of Senor Gilliam's wonderfully visual mind. At the end of this we
have an advertisment for Whizzo butter.)
Voice Over: (TG) (on animation) Yes, mothers, new improved Whizzo butter
containing 10 % more or less is absolutely indistinguishable from a dead
crab. Remember, buy Whizzo butter and go to HEAVEN!
(Cut to a group middle-aged lower-middle-class women (hereinafier referred
to as 'Pepperpots ) being interviewed.)
First Pepperpot: (GC) I can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and
this dead crab.
Interviewer: (MP) Yes, you know, we find that nine out of ten British
housewives can't tell the difference between Whizzo butter and a dead crab.
Pepperpots: It's true, we can't. No.
Second Pepperpot: (JC) Here. Here! You're on television, aren't you?
Interviewer: (modestly) Yes, yes.
Second Pepperpot: He does the thing with one of those silly women who can't
tell Whizzo butter from a dead crab.
Third Pepperpot: (TJ) You try that around here, young man, and we'll slit
your face.
CAPTION: 'IT'S THE ARTS'
(Linkman sitting at desk)
Linkman: (MP) Hello, good evening and welcome to another edition of It's the
Arts. And we kick off this evening with Cinema.
(Cut to second interviewer and Ross)
Host: (JC) Good evening. One of the most prolific film directors of this
age, or indeed of any age, is Sir Edward Ross, back in his native country
for the first time for five years to open a season of his works at the
National Film Theatre, and we are very fortunate to have here in the studio
this evening.
Ross: Good evening.
Host: Edward... you don't mind if I call you Edward?
Ross: No, not at all.
Host: Because it does worry some people - I don't know why - but they are a
little sensitive so I take the precaution of asking on these occasions.
Ross: No, that's fine.
Host: So Edward's all right. Splendid. Splendid. I'm sorry to have brought
it up only eh...
Ross: No, no. Edward it is.
Host: Well thank you very much for being so helpful...only it's more than my
job's worth to...er...
Ross: Quite, yes.
Host: Makes it rather difficult to establish a rapport...to put the other
person at their ease...
Ross: Quite.
Host: Yes, silly little point but it does seem to matter. Still - less said
the better. Um...Ted...when you first started in...you don't mind if I call
you Ted?
Ross: No, no, no, everyone calls me Ted.
Host: Well it's shorter, isn't it.
Ross: Yes it is.
Host: Yes, and much less formal!
Ross: Yes, Ted, Edward, anything!
Host: Splendid, splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom, I don't want you
playing with any of this Thomas nonsense ha ha ha! Now where were we? Ah
yes. Eddie Baby, when you first started in the...
Ross: I'm sorry, but I don't like being called Eddie Baby.
Host: I'm sorry?
Ross: I don't like being called Eddie Baby.
Host: Did I call you Eddie Baby?
Ross: Yes, you did. Now get on with it.
Host: I don't think I did call you Eddie Baby.
Ross: You did call me Eddie Baby.
Host: (Looking off-screen) Did I call him Eddie Baby?
Voices: Yes. No. Yes
Host: I didn't really call you Eddie Baby, did I, sweetie?
Ross: Don't call me sweetie!
Host: Can I call you sugar plum?
Ross: No.
Host: Pussycat?
Ross: No!
Host: Angel drawers?
Ross: No you may not! Now get on with it!
Host: Frank
Ross: What?
Host: Can I call you Frank?
Ross: Why Frank?
Host: It's a nice name. Robin Day's got a hedgehog called Frank.
Ross: What is going on?
Host: Frannie,little Frannie, Frannie Knickers...
Ross: (Getting up) No. I'm leaving. I'm leaving, I'm off...
Host: Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward.
Ross: (Off-screen) What?
Host: Tell us about your latest film, if you'd be so kind, Sir Edward
Ross: (Returning) None of this "Pussycat" nonsense?
Host: Promise. (Pats seat.) Please, Sir Edward.
Ross: (Sitting down) My latest film?
Host: Yes, Sir Edward.
Ross: Well the idea, funnily enough, came from an idea I had when I first
joined the industry in 1919. Of course, in those days I was only the tea
boy...
Host: Oh shut up!
(Cut to linkman, as before)
Linkman: Sir Edward...Ross. Now, later in the programme we will be bringing
you a unique event in the world of modern art. Pablo Picasso will be doing a
special painting for us, on this programme, live, on a bicycle. This is the
first time that Piccaso has painted whilst cycling. But right now it's time
to look at a man whose meteorotic rise to fame...
(A pig squeals. Interviewer leaps up, grabs a revolver form his desk drawer
and fires off-screen)>
CAPTION: 'PIGS 3, NELSON 1'
(Third interviewer and Arthur 'Two Sheds' Jackson. Musical score blow up
behind)
Host: (EI) Last week the Royal Festival Hall saw the first performance of a
new symphony by one of the world's leading modern composers, Arthur 'Two
sheds' Jackson. Mr Jackson.
Jackson: (TJ) Good evening.
Host: May I just sidetrack you for one moment. Mr Jackson, this, what shall
I call it, nickname of yours.
Jackson: Oh yes.
Host: "Two sheds". How did you come by it?
Jackson: Well I don't use it myself, it's just a few of my friends call me
"Two Sheds".
Host: I see, and do you in fact have two sheds?
Jackson: No. No. I've only one shed. I've had one for some time, but a few
years ago I said I was thinking of getting another one and since then some
people have called me "Two Sheds".
Host: In spite of the fact that you only have one.
Jackson: Yes.
Host: I see, and are you thinking of purchasing a second shed?
Jackson: (impatient) No!
Host: To bring you in line with your epithet?
Jackson: No.
Host: I see, I see. Well let's return to your symphony. Ah, now then, did
you write this symphony...in the shed?
Jackson: ...No!
Host: Have you written any of your recent works in this shed of yours?
Jackson: No it's just a perfectly ordinary garden shed.
(A picture of a shed appears on the screen behind them)
Host: I see. And you're thinking of buying this second shed to write in.
Jackson: No, no. Look. This shed business, it doesn't really matter at all,
the sheds aren't important. It's just a few friends call me "Two Sheds" and
that's all there is to it. I wish you'd ask me about my music. I'm a
composer. People always ask me about the sheds, they've got it out of
proportion. I'm fed up with the shed, I wish I'd never got it in the first
place.
Host: I expect you are probably thinking of selling one.
Jackson: I will sell one.
Host: Then you'd be Arthur 'No Sheds' Jackson.
Jackson: Look, forget about the sheds. They don't matter.
Host: Mr. Jackson I think with respect, we ought to talk about your
symphony.
Jackson: What?
Host: Apparently your symphony was written for organ and tympani.
Jackson: (Catching sight of the picture of the shed behind him What's that?
Host: What's what?
Jackson: It's a shed. Get it off.
(He points to BP screen shed. The picture of the shed dissapears and is
replaced by a picture of Jackson. Jackson looks at it carefully.)
Jackson: Right.
Host: Now then Mr Jackson...your symphony.
CAPTION: 'ARTHUR "TWO SHEDS" JACKSON
(Cut back to studio: the picture of him is replaced by a picture of two
sheds, one with a question mark over it)
Host: I understand that you used to be interested in train-spotting.
Jackson: What?
Host: I understand that about thirty years ago you were extremely interested
in train-spotting.
Jackson: What's that got to do with my bloody music?
(Enter host from Edward Ross sketch (JC))
Other host: Are you having any trouble from him?
Host: Yes, a little.
Other host: Well we interviewers are more than a match for the likes of you,
"Two Sheds".
Host: Yes make yourself scarce, "Two Sheds". This studio isn't big enough
for the three of us!
(They push him away and propel him out.)
Jackson: What are you doing? (He is pushed out of vision with a crash)
Other host: Get your own Arts programme you fairy!
Host: Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson
(Cut to linkman. He is about to speak when: )
Host: (Off-screen) Never mind, Timmy.
Other host: (Off-screen)Oh Michael you're such a comfort.
Linkman: Arthur "Two Sheds'...
(Cut to man in Viking helmet at desk) Viking: (JC)...Jackson.
(Cut back to linkman)
Linkman: And now for more news of the momentous artistic event in which
Pablo Picasso is doing a specially commissioned painting for us whilst
riding a bicycle. Pablo Picasso - the founder of modern art - without doubt
the greatest abstract painter ever... for the first time painting in motion.
But first of all let's have a look at the route he'll be taking.
(Cut to Raymond Baxter type standing in front of map. A small cardboard
cut-out of Picasso's face is on map and is moved around to illustrate
route.)
Baxter: (MP) Well Picasso will be starting, David, at Chichester here, he'll
then cycle on the A29 to Fontwell, he'll then take the A272 which will bring
him on to the A3 just north of Hindhead here. From then on Pablo has a
straight run on the A3 until he meets the South Circular at Battersea here.
Well, this is a truly remarkable occasion as it is the first time that a
modern artist of such stature has taken the A272, and it'll be very
interesting to see how he copes with the heavy traffic round Wisborough
Green. Vicky.
(Cut to Vicky, holding a bicycle.)
Vicky: (EI) Well Picasso will be riding his Viking Super Roadster with the
drop handlebars and the dual-thread wheel-rims and with his Wiley-Prat 20-1
synchro-mesh he should experience difficulties on the sort of road surfaces
they just don't get abroad. Mitzie.
(Cut to linkman at desk with Viking on one side and a knight in armour on
the other.)
Announcer: And now for the latest report on Picasso's progress over to Reg
Moss on the Guildford by-pass.
(Reg Moss standing with hand mike by fairly busy road.)
Reg: (EI) Well there's no sign of Picasso at the moment, David. But he
should be through here at any moment. However I do have Geppo witm me Mr Ron
Geppo, British Cycling Sprint Champion and this year's winner of the
Derby-Doncaster rally.
(Geppo is in full cyclist's kit.)
Geppo: (GC) Well Reg, I think Pablo should be all right provided he doesn't
attempt anything on the monumental scale of some of his earlier paintings,
like Guernica or Mademoiselles d'Avignon or even his later War and Peace
murals for the Temple of Peace chapel at Vallauris, because with this strong
head wind I don't think even Doug Timpson of Manchester Harriers could paint
anything on that kind of scale.
Reg: Well, thank you Ron. Well, there still seems to be no sign of Picasso,
so I'll hand you back to the studio.
Announcer: Well, we've just heard that Picasso is approaching the Tolworth
roundabout on the A3 so come in Sam Trench at Tolworth.
(Cut to Sam Trench at roadside)
Trench: (JC) Well something certainly is happening here at Tolworth
roundabout, David. I can now see Picasso, he's cycling down very hard
towards the roundabout, he's about 75-50 yards away and I can now see his
painting... it's an abstract... I can see some blue some purple and some
little black oval shapes... I think I can see...
(A Pepperpot comes up and nudges him.)
Pepperpot: (MP) That's not Picasso - that's Kandinsky.
Trench: (excited) Good lord, you're right. It's Kandinsky. Wassily
Kandinsky, and who's this here with him? It's Braque. Georges Braque, the
Cubist, painting a bird in flight over a cornfield and going very fast down
the hill towards Kingston and... (cylists pass in front of him) Piet
Mondrian - just behind, Pier Mondrian the Neo-Plasticist, and then a gap, th
en the main bunch, here they come, Chagall, Max Ernst, Miro, Dufy, Ben
Nicholson, Jackson Pollock and Bernard Buffet making a break on the outside
here, Brancusi's going with him, so is Gericault, Fernarid Leger, Delaunay,
De Kooning, Kokoschka's dropping back here by the look of it, and so's Paul
Klee dropping back a bit and, right at the back of this group, our very own
Kurt Schwitters..
Pepperpot: He's German!
Trench: But as yet absolutely no sign of Pablo Picasso, and so from Tolworth
roundabout back to the studio.
(Toulouse-Lautrec pedals past on a child's tricycle. Cut back to studio.)
Announcer: Well I think I can help you there Sam, we're getting reports in
from the AA that Picasso, Picasso has fallen off... he's fallen off his
bicycle on the B2127 just outside Ewhurst, trying to get a short cut through
to Dorking via Peaslake and Goreshall. Well, Picasso is reported to be
unhurt, but the pig has a slight headache. And on that note we must say
goodnight to you. Picasso has failed in his first bid for international
cycling fame. So from all of us here at the 'It's the Arts' studio, it's
goodnight. (pig's head appears over edge of desk; linkman gently pushes it
back) Goodnight.
Animation: (Cartoon sequence of animated Victorian photos, at the end of
which a large pig descends, fatally, on a portrait of a man. Cut to wartime
planning room. Two officers are pushing model pigs across the map. A private
enters and salutes.)
Private: (TJ) Dobson's bought it, sir.
Officer: (EI) Porker, eh? Siwne.
(Cut to a suburban house in a rather drab street. Zoom into upstairs window.
Serious documentary music. Interior of small room. A bent figure (MP)
huddles over a table, writing. He is surrounded by bits of paper. The camera
is situated facing the man as he writes with immense concentration lining
his unshaven face.)
Voice Over : (EI) This man is Ernest Scribbler... writer of jokes. In a few
moments, he win have written the funniest joke in the world... and, as a
consequence, he will die ... laughing.
(Ernest stops writing, pauses to look at what he has written... a smile
slowly spreads across his face, turning very, very slowly to uncontrolled
hysterical laughter... he staggers to his feet and reels across room
helpless with mounting mirth and eventually collapses and dies on the
floor.)
Voice Over: It was obvious that this joke was lethal... no one could read it
and live ...
(The scrbbler's mother (EI) enters. She sees him dead, she gives a little
cry of horror and bends over his body, weeping. Brokenly she notices the
piece of paper in his hand (thinking it is a suicide note - for he has not
been doing very well in the last thirteen years) picks it up and reads it
between her sobs. Immediately she breaks out into hysterical laughter, leaps
three feet into the air, and fa11s down dead without more ado. Cut to news
type shot of commentator standing in front of the house.)
Commentator: (TJ) This morning, shortly after eleven o'clock, comedy struck
this little house in Dibley Road. Sudden ...violent ... comedy. Police have
sealed off the area, and Scotland Yard's crack inspector is with me now.
Inspector: (GC) I shall enter the house and attempt to remove the joke.
(At this point an upstairs window in the house is fiung open and a doctor,
with a stethoscope, rears his head out, hysterical with laughter, and dies
hanging over the window sill. The commentator and the inspector look up
briefly and sadly, and then continue as if they are used to such sights this
morning.)
Inspector: I shall be aided by the sound of sombre music, played on
gramophone records, and also by the chanting of laments by the men of Q
Division ... (he indicates a grouo of dour-looking policemen standing
nearby) The atmosphere thus created should protect me in the eventuality of
me reading the joke.
(He gives a signal. The group of policemen start groaning and chanting
biblical laments. The Dead March is heard. The inspector squares his
shoulders and bravely starts walking into the house.)
Commentator: There goes a brave man. Whether he comes out alive or not, this
will surely be remembered as one of the most courageous and gallant acts in
police history.
(The inspector suddenly appears at the door, helpless with laughter, holding
the joke aloft. He collapses and dies. Cut to film of army vans driving
along dark roads.)
Voice Over: It was not long before the Army became interested in the
military potential of the Killer Joke. Under top security, the joke
washurried to a meeting of Allied Commanders at the Ministry of War.
(Cut to door at Ham House: Soldier on guard comes to attention as dispatch
rider hurries in carrying armoured box. (Notice on door: 'Conference. No
Admittance'.) Dispatch rider rushes in. A door opens for him and closes
behind him. We hear a mighty roar of laughter...series of doomphs as the
commanders hit the floor or table. Soldier outside does not move a muscle.
Cut to a pillbox on the Salisbury Plain. Track in to slit to see
moustachioed top brass peering anxiously out.)
Voice Over: Top brass were impressed. Tests on Salisbury Plain confirmed the
joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to fifty yards.
(Cut to shot looking out of slit in pillbox. Camera zooms through slit to
distance where a solitary figure is standing on the windswept plain. He is a
bespectacled, weedy lance-corporal (TJ) looking cold and miserable. Pan
across to fifty yards away where two helmeted soldiers are at their
positions beside a blackboard on an easel covered with a cloth. Cut in to
corporal's face- registening complete lack of comprehension as well as
stupidily. Man on top of pillbox waves flag. The soldiers reveal the joke to
the corporal. He peers at it, thinks about its meaning, sniggers, and dies.
Two watching generals are very impressed.)
Generals: Fantastic.
Cut to a Colonel talking to camera.
Colonel: (GC) All through the winter of '43 we had translators working, in
joke-proof conditions, to try and produce a German version of the joke. They
worked on one word each for greater safety. One of them saw two words of the
joke and spent several weeks in hospitalú But apart from that things went
pretty quickly, and we soon had the joke by January, in a form which our
troops couldn't understand but which the Germans could.
(Cut to a trench in the Ardennesú Members of the joke brigade are crouched
holding pieces of paper with the joke on them.)
Voice Over: So, on July 8th, I944, the joke was first told to the enemy in
the Ardennes...
Commanding NCO: Tell the ... joke.
Joke Brigade: (together) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Pan out of the British trench across war-torn landscape and come to rest
where presumably the German trench is. There is a pause and then a group of
Germans rear up in hysterics.)
Voice Over: It was a fantastic success. Over sixty thousand times as
powerful as Britain's great pre-war joke ...Cut to a film of Chamberlain
brandishing the 'Peace in our time' bit of paper ... and one which Hider
just couldn't match.
(Film of Hitler rally. Hitler speaks; subtitles are superimposed.)
SUBTITLE: 'MY DOG'S GOT NO NOSE'
A young soldier responds:
SUBTITLE: HOW DOES HE SMELL?
Hitler speaks:
SUBTITLE: AWFUL'
Voice Over: In action it was deadly.
(Cut to a small squad with rifles making their way through forest. Suddenly
one of them sees something and gives signal at which they all dive for
cover. From the cover of a tree he reads out joke.)
Corporal: (TJ) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! .. Beiherhund
das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
(Sniper falls laughing out of tree.)
Joke Brigade: (charging) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ...
Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(They chant the joke. Germans are put to fight laughing, some dropping to
ground.)
Voice Over: The German casualties were appalling.
(Cut to a German hospital and a ward full of casualties still laughing
hysterically.
Cut to Nazi interrogation room. An officer from the joke bngade has a light
shining in his face. A Gestapo officer is interrogating him; another stands
behind him.)
Nazi: (JC) Vott is the big joke?
Officer: (MP) I can only give you name, rank, and why did the chicken cross
the road?
Nazi: That's not funny! (slaps him) I vant to know the joke.
Officer: All right. How do you make a Nazi cross?
Nazi: (momentarily fooled) I don't know ... how do you make a Nazi cross?
Officer: Tread on his corns. (does so; the Nazi hops in pain)
Nazi: Gott in Hiramell That's not funny! (mimes cuffing him while the other
Nazi claps his hands to provide the sound effct) Now if you don't tell me
the joke, I shall hit you properly.
Officer: I can stand physical pain, you know.
Nazi: Ah ... you're no fun. All right, Otto.
(Otto (GC) starts tickling the officer who starts laughing,)
Officer: Oh no - anything but that please no, all fight I'll tell you.
(They stop tickling him)
Nazi: Quick Otto. The typewriter.
(Otto goes to the typewriter and they wait expeaantly. The officer produces
piece of paper out of his breast pocket and reads.)
Officer: Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das
Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(Otto at the typewriter explodes with laughter and dies.)
Nazi: Ach! Zat iss not funny!
(Nazi burts into laughter and dies. A guard (TG) bursts in with machine gun,
The British officer leaps on the table.)
Officer: (lightning speed) Wenn ist das Nunstrück git und Slotermeyer? Ja!
.. Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput.
(The guard reels back and collapses laughing. British officer makes his
escape. Cut to stock film of German scientists working in laboratories.)
Voice Over: But at Peenemunde in the Autumn of '44, the Germans were working
on a joke of their own.
(A German general (TJ) is seated at an imposing desk. Behind him stands
Otto, labelled 'A Different Gestapo Officer'. Bespectacled German
scientist/joke writer enters room. He clean his throat and reads from card.)
German Joker: (EI) Die ist ein Kinnerhunder und zwei Mackel über und der
bitte schön ist den Wunderhaus sprechensie. 'Nein' sprecht der Herren 'Ist
aufern borger mit zveitingen'.
He finishes and looks hopeful.
Otto: We let you know.
(He shoots him.
Film of German sdentists.)
Voice Over: But by December their joke was ready, and Hitler gave the order
for the German V-Joke to be broadcast in English.
(Cut to 1940's wartime radio set with couple anxiously listening to it.)
Radio: (crackly German voice) Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der
strasse, and von vas... assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho.
(Radio bursts into 'Deutschland Über Alles'. The couple look at each other
and then in blank amazement at the radio. Cut to modern BBC 2 interview. The
commentator in a woodland glade.)
Commentator (EI): In 1945 Peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke
warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in
I950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the
Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.
(He walks away revealing a monument on which is written: 'To the unknown
Joke'. Camera pulls away slowly through idyllic setting. Patriotic music
reaches crescendo. Cut to football refree who blows whistle. Silence. Blank
screen.) CAPTION: 'THE END'
(The seashore again, with the 'It's' man lying on the beach. A stick from
off-screen prods him. Exhausted, he rises and staggers back into the sea.)
CAPTION: ' "WITHER CANADA" WAS CONCEIVED WRITTEN AND PREFORMED
BY...(CREDITS)'
Announcer: (GC) And here is the final score: Pigs 9 - British Bipeds 4. The
pigs go on to meet Vicki Carr in the final.
--
"Whoever sent this please get yer facts straight. My HAIR is not ginger.
Alan Ball has ginger hair and my hair isn't the same colour as his. Pack of
life getters. Fuckin bastards." - Bungle 1999
Shereen
<Snip>
Just when I thought you couldn't be anymore of a tosser you go and
prove me wrong.
Fuck off to alt.flame and see how they like your wit, asswipe.
Shereen
--
This posting was supervised by the Interplanetary Humane Society ...
Body count was high and casualties are heavy.
Brendan Heading
writes
>Monty Python's Flying Circus - Episode 1 Series 1
*ploink*
--
Brendan Heading, Harold's Cross, Dublin Ireland
"Ohhhhhhh ter beeeeee a jackeeeeeeeeeen laaa.. " ah. Ahem.
Michael Beckett
thusly...
> Will wrote:
>
> <Snip>
>
> Just when I thought you couldn't be anymore of a tosser you go and
> prove me wrong.
>
> Fuck off to alt.flame and see how they like your wit, asswipe.
Waaayy! My Bozo Bin is working again, I can't see Will!
Is it that time of the month sis?
--
Email address spam trapped: 'Yookay'? It's close, but not right. Say what
ye see.
Shereen
> In article <37AD7592...@btinternet.com>, Shereen did spaketh
> thusly...
>
> > Just when I thought you couldn't be anymore of a tosser you go and
> > prove me wrong.
> >
> > Fuck off to alt.flame and see how they like your wit, asswipe.
>
> Waaayy! My Bozo Bin is working again, I can't see Will!
You must be very happy bro :)
> Is it that time of the month sis?
Nope, and it's only that fact that kept things as polite as they were.
Stincey
>
> Nope, and it's only that fact that kept things as polite as they were.
Something about a guy asking his sister this .... in a public forum .... it
just aint right.
Stincey.
Michael Beckett
news:37ae...@royan.d-n-a.net...
Wassup, you get all embarrassed by 'wimmins things' Stinky?
Michael Beckett
news:7oioas$pt3$1...@news6.svr.pol.co.uk...
>...
Obviously not typed by Will, seeing as there's some punctuation and correct
spelling in there...
Shereen
> > > Is it that time of the month sis?
> >
> > Nope, and it's only that fact that kept things as polite as they
> > were.
>
> Something about a guy asking his sister this .... in a public forum
> .... it just aint right.
Don't sweat it Stincey - I think it's just a survival instinct Mike's
picked up. Either that or his killfiling of Will has made him forget how
annoying he (Will) can be.
If it makes you that uncomfortable just say and you know we'll never
mention it again.
Shereen - yeah right
Stincey
>
> Wassup, you get all embarrassed by 'wimmins things' Stinky?
>
Not embarassed ... I was eating at the time. (Cold pizza from the night
before btw - one of my favourite things)
Stincey.
Stincey
> mention it again.
Good girl. :)
Stincey.
PS Could you also get rid of the Canasten-Combi (sp?) adverts as well ...
those things make me nauseous. (It got worse after I was told they weren't
discussing ornithology let me tell ye ... ewwwwww).
Michael Beckett
>
> >
> > Wassup, you get all embarrassed by 'wimmins things' Stinky?
> >
>
>
> Not embarassed ... I was eating at the time. (Cold pizza from the night
> before btw - one of my favourite things)
Oops, sorry, how inconsiderate of me...
Shereen
> PS Could you also get rid of the Canasten-Combi (sp?) adverts as well
> ... those things make me nauseous. (It got worse after I was told they
> weren't discussing ornithology let me tell ye ... ewwwwww).
Sorry, can't help you there.
I find them cheek-clenchingly unpleasant too.
Shereen
> Not embarassed ... I was eating at the time. (Cold pizza from the night
> before btw - one of my favourite things)
Cold pizza - a class snack. Topped only by day old crispy peking
chicken and fried rice. Cold, old prawn crackers are a bonus.
Paul Gregg
> Cold pizza - a class snack. Topped only by day old crispy peking
> chicken and fried rice. Cold, old prawn crackers are a bonus.
<homer>
Hmmmm... Deep fried chicken in Peking sauce.. fried rice.... gaaaaaah
</homer>
Seriously tho... I love this stuff, so much I've been experiementing
with various foodstuffs called "peking" anything, trying to find the
right stuff to make the sauce... Anyway, I've come up with a paste
that tastes close enough to perhaps be it. It's called "Peking
Duck Sauce" from someone called "Woh Hup" and it's got chinese symbols
all over it. However it is a paste and you#re supposed to make the sauce,
but I haven't got a clue in the cookery dept. Eternal gratefulness
to whomever points me in the right direction.
Paul.
--
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Ken Barrow
wrote:
>Shereen <she...@btinternet.com> wrote:
>> Cold pizza - a class snack. Topped only by day old crispy peking
>> chicken and fried rice. Cold, old prawn crackers are a bonus.
>
><homer>
>Hmmmm... Deep fried chicken in Peking sauce.. fried rice.... gaaaaaah
></homer>
>
>Seriously tho... I love this stuff, so much I've been experiementing
>with various foodstuffs called "peking" anything, trying to find the
>right stuff to make the sauce... Anyway, I've come up with a paste
>that tastes close enough to perhaps be it. It's called "Peking
>Duck Sauce" from someone called "Woh Hup" and it's got chinese symbols
>all over it. However it is a paste and you#re supposed to make the sauce,
>but I haven't got a clue in the cookery dept. Eternal gratefulness
>to whomever points me in the right direction.
>
>Paul.
If you're doing a stir-fry, just stir fry your various ingredients
and add some stock (chicken stock cube & hot water). Not too much
though, about half a cupful, then try adding one or two teaspoons of
your paste, until it tastes right.
If you wanna just make a sauce, try a cupful of boiling water, a few
teaspoons of cornflour (previously mixed with a small amount of cold
water), stir until you get it to the consistency you want, then add
some of your paste.
Dead easy.
Thunder (The Ken Hom of ni.chat)
Cheers.....Ken
David Cleland
fantastic
I have a great recipe for carrot soup if anyone is interested - takes hours
but is worth it;
Cleland