News of the Weird, September 20, 2009
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Chuck Shepherd
Sep 20, 2009, 8:22:38 AM9/20/09
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WEIRDNUZ.M128 (News of the Weird, September 20, 2009)
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* If society were ever attacked by zombies, we would probably be
doomed, and quickly. That was the conclusion of two university
researchers in Ottawa, Ontario, who set up mathematical models
hypothesizing zombie attacks as infectious diseases with the well-
known characteristics of zombie biology from popular fiction. In
fact, according to a July BBC News report, zombies are more
threatening than virulent diseases, because they can regenerate
(unless decapitated or incinerated, of course). More troubling was
researchers' presumption that zombies move slowly, as in older
movies, but in recent fiction, they're super-quick, making them
nearly invincible. [BBC News, 7-18-09]
Government in Action
* Scared-y Cat Brits: (1) In June the Peterborough City Council
ordered retirees who come together for weekly coffee at the public
library to give up hot drinks, in case one accidentally spilled on a
child. (2) In July the Dagenham Pool in Essex, citing (according to
the manager) drowning risks, banned swimmers from doing
"lengths" and forced them instead to swim "widths." (3) In June
the Brighton and Hove City Council ordered nature-lover Hilaire
Purbrick, 45, out of the cave that has been his residence for 16
years, citing its lack of a "fire exit." [Daily Mail, 6-28-09] [Daily
Mail, 7-29-09] [Daily Telegraph, 6-17-09]
* In April, the Pelham (Mass.) Board of Selectmen notified
residents that it proposed to "alter a [four-mile] portion of Amherst
Road" and needed their co-operation. The Board said the road, in
service with exactly the same contour since 1822, must better
conform to what Amherst Road looked like on an 1822 map.
Thus, some property owners along the route were asked to cede
some rights to the government, to un-modernize the road. [Amherst
Bulletin, 6-5-09]
* Among the personal tasks allegedly demanded by Portsmouth
(Va.) mayor James Holley of his public-payroll assistant Lorraine
Stokes (from a list Stokes released in August, alleging Holley's
abuse): affixing labels to boxes identifying Holley's assorted-color
argyle socks; placing orders for "tummy support t-shirts" and "90-
minute Abs" videos; and locating retailers for his favorite English
Leather cologne, Stri-Vectin Cream (for "turkey neck"), geese
repellent, T.Barry underwear, grass seeds, and Gillette Hair Paste.
[Virginian-Pilot Online, 8-10-09]
The Police Department
* Latest Domestic Disturbance Calls: (1) A couple fought with
each other, using water, mouthwash, and powdered whey protein
(Bremerton, Wash., July). (2) A wife repeatedly punched her
husband and then, as officers arrived, pulled him inside the house
by his ear (Niceville, Fla., August). (3) A 78-year-old woman
kicked her husband in the groin several times recently because she
believes he had an affair 35 years ago (Lynnwood, Wash., May).
[Kitsap Sun (Kitsap, Wash.), 7-13-09] [Northwest Florida Daily
News, 8-5-09] [Seattle Post-Intelligencer-AP, 5-15-09]
* Unclear on the Concept: San Antonio (Tex.) police chief
William McManus announced in August an upgraded training
program to teach his officers how to obey the law while off-duty.
The department has had to fire 10 officers so far this year for law-
breaking, and included in McManus's program is a personal talk to
each incoming cadet to stress that police officers must not commit
crimes. [San Antonio Express-News, 8-28-09]
Chutzpah!
* (1) In August, Jorge Iglesias petitioned a judge in Madison, Wis.,
to regain custody of his 66 roosters and hens that police confiscated
in a suspected cockfighting raid. Iglesias said he feared that the
Dane County Humane Society, temporarily holding the animals,
was treating them with "cruel and barbaric" abuse. (2) Afghan
refugee Fridoon Sadiqi filed a lawsuit against Britain's Home
Secretary in August after being turned down for political asylum
because he had presented a forged passport to enter the UK.
According to Sadiqi, the rejection made him clinically depressed.
[Wisconsin State Journal, 8-26-09] [Daily Mail, 8-18-09]
The Continuing Crisis
* Elsie Poncher decided reluctantly in August to go back on a
promise she had made to her late husband. Richard Poncher had
purchased a crypt (for himself) just above the one in which the
body of Marilyn Monroe rests in a Los Angeles memorial park, but
Elsie now needs money and thus offered the crypt for sale in
August, planning to move Richard to a less prominent place.
Richard had been assured by Elsie that he could spend eternity
lying face down "over Marilyn." [Los Angeles Times, 8-14-09]
* Ultra-Dangerous Activities: (1) In May, a man in his 20s was
killed in a fight at a community center in Calgary, Alberta,
following a dominoes tournament. (2) Kenneth Reppke, 54, was
charged with assault in Fraser, Mich., in July for allegedly
smacking a woman in the head, knocking off her glasses, because
she refused to sell him Boardwalk and Park Place in a Monopoly
game. (3) Jason Keller, 40, was acquitted by a jury in San
Francisco in June of hitting a fellow homeless man in the face with
a skateboard. According to testimony, Keller had become angry
during a discussion about particle physics. [Canadian Broadcasting
Corp. News, 5-18-09] [Detroit Free Press, 7-30-09] [KNTV (San
Francisco), 6-26-09]
People Different From Us
* Geography professor Melanie Patton Renfrew, 54, was convicted
in Burbank, Calif., in August of violating a judge's order to stop
stalking KNBC-TV weatherman Fritz Coleman. Renfrew had
badgered Coleman for two years, via e-mail and telephone calls,
about his "error" in terminology, confusing "onshore" winds with
"offshore" winds. Coleman, she insisted, needed to apologize.
"Offshore" winds blow out to sea; "onshore" winds blow in. [Daily
Breeze (Torrance, Calif.), 9-2-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Lisa Newsome, 42, was arrested in Zachary, La., in August,
caught trying to smuggle a 24-can case of beer out of a
convenience store. The heavyset, housecoat-clad Newsome was
squeezing the 20-pound case between her legs as she waddled from
the cooler toward the front door. When police arrived, Newsome
offered to pull up the dress to demonstrate how she carried the
case, but, said a police captain, "I told her, no thanks. I wasn't into
that." [WFTS-TV (Tampa)-AP, 9-1-09]
Update
* News of the Weird reported in June 2006 that a second forensic
expert had concluded that an innocent man, Cameron Todd
Willingham, had been executed in Texas in 2004 that the "arson"
that killed his three daughters was surely only a tragic accident.
One of the experts had made a last-second appeal to the Texas
pardons board and Gov. Rick Perry to spare Willingham's life, but
his report was ignored. Since 2006, two more forensic fire experts
have concluded that the fire was not a crime and, said one (in
August 2009), the trial testimony of local fire investigators had
more resembled the musings of "mystics or psychics."
(Nonetheless, in an unrelated 2009 case, two U.S. Supreme Court
justices noted that the Constitution has "never" declared it wrong to
execute an actually-innocent man who nonetheless has been
convicted.) [Austin American-Statesman, 8-26-09; The New
Yorker, 9-7-09]
Armed and Clumsy (All-New!)
* More people who accidentally shot themselves recently: A 44-
year-old man, shoving a shotgun down his pant leg after an
argument with his girlfriend, blew his little toe off (Alameda,
Calif., July). A 21-year-old man, stopping in an alley to urinate
with a gun in his pocket, shot himself in the thigh (South Bend,
Ind., July). A 26-year-old man, teaching gun safety to two people,
was killed when he fired his supposedly unloaded gun at his own
head (Phoenix, Ariz., May). A 15-year-old boy impulsively
grabbed the gun that was slipping down his pants from his
waistband and shot himself in the penis (Brooklyn, N.Y.,
September). [Alameda Sun, 7-9-09] [South Bend Tribune, 7-29-
09] [Arizona Daily Star, 5-18-09] [New York Post, 9-5-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (May 1996)
* In March 1996, an 18-year-old dockworker at Roadway Express
in Dallas, Tex., was arrested at a local Western Union office and
charged with forgery after trying to cash a check made out to his
employer. The man produced a homemade photo ID that gave his
name as Mr. "Roadway V. Express." After questioning him, the
Western Union manager said, "Okay, Mr. Express, I'll be right
back [with the money]," but went into another room and called the
police. [Houston Chronicle, 3-31-96]
Thanks This Week to Kathryn Wood, Brian Cunningham,
Don Ferguson, Joshua Harris, Sandy Pearlman, Kim Igleheart,
Stephen Taylor, and Cindy Carlson, and to the News of the Weird
Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
Are you ready for News of the Weird / Pro Edition? Every
Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and
http://www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses:
WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com,
and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* If society were ever attacked by zombies, we would probably be
doomed, and quickly. That was the conclusion of two university
researchers in Ottawa, Ontario, who set up mathematical models
hypothesizing zombie attacks as infectious diseases with the well-
known characteristics of zombie biology from popular fiction. In
fact, according to a July BBC News report, zombies are more
threatening than virulent diseases, because they can regenerate
(unless decapitated or incinerated, of course). More troubling was
researchers' presumption that zombies move slowly, as in older
movies, but in recent fiction, they're super-quick, making them
nearly invincible. [BBC News, 7-18-09]
Government in Action
* Scared-y Cat Brits: (1) In June the Peterborough City Council
ordered retirees who come together for weekly coffee at the public
library to give up hot drinks, in case one accidentally spilled on a
child. (2) In July the Dagenham Pool in Essex, citing (according to
the manager) drowning risks, banned swimmers from doing
"lengths" and forced them instead to swim "widths." (3) In June
the Brighton and Hove City Council ordered nature-lover Hilaire
Purbrick, 45, out of the cave that has been his residence for 16
years, citing its lack of a "fire exit." [Daily Mail, 6-28-09] [Daily
Mail, 7-29-09] [Daily Telegraph, 6-17-09]
* In April, the Pelham (Mass.) Board of Selectmen notified
residents that it proposed to "alter a [four-mile] portion of Amherst
Road" and needed their co-operation. The Board said the road, in
service with exactly the same contour since 1822, must better
conform to what Amherst Road looked like on an 1822 map.
Thus, some property owners along the route were asked to cede
some rights to the government, to un-modernize the road. [Amherst
Bulletin, 6-5-09]
* Among the personal tasks allegedly demanded by Portsmouth
(Va.) mayor James Holley of his public-payroll assistant Lorraine
Stokes (from a list Stokes released in August, alleging Holley's
abuse): affixing labels to boxes identifying Holley's assorted-color
argyle socks; placing orders for "tummy support t-shirts" and "90-
minute Abs" videos; and locating retailers for his favorite English
Leather cologne, Stri-Vectin Cream (for "turkey neck"), geese
repellent, T.Barry underwear, grass seeds, and Gillette Hair Paste.
[Virginian-Pilot Online, 8-10-09]
The Police Department
* Latest Domestic Disturbance Calls: (1) A couple fought with
each other, using water, mouthwash, and powdered whey protein
(Bremerton, Wash., July). (2) A wife repeatedly punched her
husband and then, as officers arrived, pulled him inside the house
by his ear (Niceville, Fla., August). (3) A 78-year-old woman
kicked her husband in the groin several times recently because she
believes he had an affair 35 years ago (Lynnwood, Wash., May).
[Kitsap Sun (Kitsap, Wash.), 7-13-09] [Northwest Florida Daily
News, 8-5-09] [Seattle Post-Intelligencer-AP, 5-15-09]
* Unclear on the Concept: San Antonio (Tex.) police chief
William McManus announced in August an upgraded training
program to teach his officers how to obey the law while off-duty.
The department has had to fire 10 officers so far this year for law-
breaking, and included in McManus's program is a personal talk to
each incoming cadet to stress that police officers must not commit
crimes. [San Antonio Express-News, 8-28-09]
Chutzpah!
* (1) In August, Jorge Iglesias petitioned a judge in Madison, Wis.,
to regain custody of his 66 roosters and hens that police confiscated
in a suspected cockfighting raid. Iglesias said he feared that the
Dane County Humane Society, temporarily holding the animals,
was treating them with "cruel and barbaric" abuse. (2) Afghan
refugee Fridoon Sadiqi filed a lawsuit against Britain's Home
Secretary in August after being turned down for political asylum
because he had presented a forged passport to enter the UK.
According to Sadiqi, the rejection made him clinically depressed.
[Wisconsin State Journal, 8-26-09] [Daily Mail, 8-18-09]
The Continuing Crisis
* Elsie Poncher decided reluctantly in August to go back on a
promise she had made to her late husband. Richard Poncher had
purchased a crypt (for himself) just above the one in which the
body of Marilyn Monroe rests in a Los Angeles memorial park, but
Elsie now needs money and thus offered the crypt for sale in
August, planning to move Richard to a less prominent place.
Richard had been assured by Elsie that he could spend eternity
lying face down "over Marilyn." [Los Angeles Times, 8-14-09]
* Ultra-Dangerous Activities: (1) In May, a man in his 20s was
killed in a fight at a community center in Calgary, Alberta,
following a dominoes tournament. (2) Kenneth Reppke, 54, was
charged with assault in Fraser, Mich., in July for allegedly
smacking a woman in the head, knocking off her glasses, because
she refused to sell him Boardwalk and Park Place in a Monopoly
game. (3) Jason Keller, 40, was acquitted by a jury in San
Francisco in June of hitting a fellow homeless man in the face with
a skateboard. According to testimony, Keller had become angry
during a discussion about particle physics. [Canadian Broadcasting
Corp. News, 5-18-09] [Detroit Free Press, 7-30-09] [KNTV (San
Francisco), 6-26-09]
People Different From Us
* Geography professor Melanie Patton Renfrew, 54, was convicted
in Burbank, Calif., in August of violating a judge's order to stop
stalking KNBC-TV weatherman Fritz Coleman. Renfrew had
badgered Coleman for two years, via e-mail and telephone calls,
about his "error" in terminology, confusing "onshore" winds with
"offshore" winds. Coleman, she insisted, needed to apologize.
"Offshore" winds blow out to sea; "onshore" winds blow in. [Daily
Breeze (Torrance, Calif.), 9-2-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Lisa Newsome, 42, was arrested in Zachary, La., in August,
caught trying to smuggle a 24-can case of beer out of a
convenience store. The heavyset, housecoat-clad Newsome was
squeezing the 20-pound case between her legs as she waddled from
the cooler toward the front door. When police arrived, Newsome
offered to pull up the dress to demonstrate how she carried the
case, but, said a police captain, "I told her, no thanks. I wasn't into
that." [WFTS-TV (Tampa)-AP, 9-1-09]
Update
* News of the Weird reported in June 2006 that a second forensic
expert had concluded that an innocent man, Cameron Todd
Willingham, had been executed in Texas in 2004 that the "arson"
that killed his three daughters was surely only a tragic accident.
One of the experts had made a last-second appeal to the Texas
pardons board and Gov. Rick Perry to spare Willingham's life, but
his report was ignored. Since 2006, two more forensic fire experts
have concluded that the fire was not a crime and, said one (in
August 2009), the trial testimony of local fire investigators had
more resembled the musings of "mystics or psychics."
(Nonetheless, in an unrelated 2009 case, two U.S. Supreme Court
justices noted that the Constitution has "never" declared it wrong to
execute an actually-innocent man who nonetheless has been
convicted.) [Austin American-Statesman, 8-26-09; The New
Yorker, 9-7-09]
Armed and Clumsy (All-New!)
* More people who accidentally shot themselves recently: A 44-
year-old man, shoving a shotgun down his pant leg after an
argument with his girlfriend, blew his little toe off (Alameda,
Calif., July). A 21-year-old man, stopping in an alley to urinate
with a gun in his pocket, shot himself in the thigh (South Bend,
Ind., July). A 26-year-old man, teaching gun safety to two people,
was killed when he fired his supposedly unloaded gun at his own
head (Phoenix, Ariz., May). A 15-year-old boy impulsively
grabbed the gun that was slipping down his pants from his
waistband and shot himself in the penis (Brooklyn, N.Y.,
September). [Alameda Sun, 7-9-09] [South Bend Tribune, 7-29-
09] [Arizona Daily Star, 5-18-09] [New York Post, 9-5-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (May 1996)
* In March 1996, an 18-year-old dockworker at Roadway Express
in Dallas, Tex., was arrested at a local Western Union office and
charged with forgery after trying to cash a check made out to his
employer. The man produced a homemade photo ID that gave his
name as Mr. "Roadway V. Express." After questioning him, the
Western Union manager said, "Okay, Mr. Express, I'll be right
back [with the money]," but went into another room and called the
police. [Houston Chronicle, 3-31-96]
Thanks This Week to Kathryn Wood, Brian Cunningham,
Don Ferguson, Joshua Harris, Sandy Pearlman, Kim Igleheart,
Stephen Taylor, and Cindy Carlson, and to the News of the Weird
Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
Are you ready for News of the Weird / Pro Edition? Every
Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and
http://www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses:
WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com,
and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.
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