News of the Weird, October 11, 2009
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Beneath the luxury hotels on the Las Vegas Strip is a series of
flood tunnels that are home to dozens of people who work odd jobs
such as hustling leftover change in casino slot machines. A
correspondent for London's The Sun gained the trust of a few and
even photographed their "apartments" for a September dispatch,
showing well-stocked quarters, with scrounged appliances and
furniture and even one makeshift shower rigged from a water
cooler. "Amy," who has lived in the tunnels with her husband
"J.R." for two years, said she "love[s]" the Vegas lifestyle and
appears in no hurry to leave her setup. "Kathryn" (who lives with
boyfriend "Steven") also appears content --- except, she says, for
the fragrance, the black widow spiders, and the periodic rush of
water through their home (threatening any "valuables" not stacked
on crates). [The Sun, 9-24-09]
Latest Religious Messages
* David Cerullo came to prominence after purchasing the
television studios abandoned by Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker and
established what is perhaps the boldest of all Christian "prosperity
gospel" ministries (that pays him an annual base salary of $1.52
million). With his father, semi-retired Pentecostal preacher Morris
Cerullo, they assure followers that the more they give, the more
God will return to them. In a recent TV spot, Morris, speaking first
in tongues and then addressing the currently credit-challenged:
"When you [donate], the windows of heaven . . . open for you . . .
100 fold." "Debt cancellation!" (The on-screen message: "Call
now with your $900 offering and receive God's debt cancellation!")
[Charlotte Observer, 5-23-09]
* In September, a judge in Stuart, Fla., was about to sentence
pastor Rodney McGill for real estate fraud, but McGill was
undaunted, addressing a courtroom prayer for his enemies: "Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus, for every witness called against me, I pray cancer in
their lives, lupus, brain tumor, pancreatic cancer." The judge then
sentenced him to 20 years in prison. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel,
9-9-09]
Questionable Judgments
* The cheap-drink Tuesday night special at the Attic bar in
Newcastle, England, in early September was a money-back
guarantee at the end of the night to anyone who could still legally
drive (measured by the bar's breathalyzer), with the evening's most-
alcohol-saturated customer drinking free the following week. The
Newcastle City Council soon convinced the bar it was a bad idea.
[The Mail, 9-9-09]
* The Department of Homeland Security (relying on a study later
termed by the Government Accountability Office to have been rushed
and flawed), decided in January that the best place for its new $700
million research facility on infectious diseases would be in Kansas,
which happens to be in the heart of America's "tornado alley." The
GAO report, leaked to the Washington Post in July, claimed the
risk of accidental release of dangerous pathogens is far greater than
the Department assumed. [Washington Post, 7-27-09]
Bright Ideas
* Canadian medical appliance manufacturer X4 Labs, which sells a
penis-elongating traction device for around $400, disclosed in
August that it is making a solid gold version on contract for a
Saudi businessman. The buyer claimed he required gold only
because of allergies, but then also ordered it ornamented with
diamonds and rubies, according to an August Agence France-
Presse report. X4's cachet as a medical-appliance supplier is
expected to get the device past Saudi Customs, which normally
bans sex toys. [Agence France-Presse, 8-5-09]
* Four apparently quite bored people in their early 20s were
arrested in September in Bennington, Vt., after a Chili's restaurant
burglar alarm sounded at 4:30 a.m. According to police, the four
intended to remove and steal the large chili on the restaurant's sign,
using a hacksaw and power drill. However, not possessing a
battery-operated drill, they had strung extension cords together
running to the nearest outlet they could find, which was 470 feet
away, across four lanes of highway and through a Home Depot
parking lot. [Rutland Herald, 9-7-09]
Fine Points of the Law
* (1) Marine Sgt. Michael Ferschke was killed in Iraq in 2008, but
his wife and their son, both Japanese citizens, cannot enter the
United States. The couple exchanged vows under Japanese law by
long-distance proxy, as Michael was about to deploy, but
immigration law does not recognize such unions, unless
subsequently "consummated." (The Ferschkes had conceived their
child before they were married.) (2) Marine Lance Cpl. Josef
Lopez took the Corps' advice and received a smallpox vaccination
just before deploying to Iraq, but after nine days in country, he
went into a coma with a rare adverse reaction that has left him
permanently, seriously disabled.. However, since he was felled by
the vaccine, and not "combat," he is ineligible for special disability
funds to help seriously wounded troops (for such expenses as
modifying a home to accommodate a disability). [MSNBC-AP, 9-
17-09] [McClatchy Newspapers, 8-31-09]
Fetishes on Parade
* In September, police in Bonney Lake, Wash., were seeking
"Dale," who had been reported hanging around the high school,
trying to befriend male athletes. In the most recent incident, he
lured a boy to the library, offering help on a term paper project, but
when the boy declined and walked away, "Dale" jumped on his
back and asked for a piggyback ride. (Fondness for piggyback
rides is not a widely-practiced obsession, though the legendary
illustrator R. Crumb liked to receive them in lieu of sex, according
to an ex-girlfriend in the 1994 movie "Crumb.") [News Tribune
(Tacoma), 9-16-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Failure to Keep a Low Profile: (1) Angel DeLeon, 30, admitted
to police in May that he was the one who had just robbed the
National Penn Bank in Reading, Pa. Police originally started after
DeLeon's car when he raced by them with his radio blaring. (2)
Ricky Dale Ford was jailed in September in Conway, Ark., accused
of stealing an all-terrain vehicle. While joyriding, Ford had
accidentally hit a beehive, and when police found him in nearby
woods, he was "barely breathing," one officer said, having been
stung more than 100 times. [Reading Eagle, 5-22-09] [Log Cabin
Democrat (Conway), 9-6-09]
Recurring Themes
* Britain's local councils are notoriously fearful of lawsuits arising
from the garden "allotments" they rent to residents. For example,
in September, the Southampton Council barred residents of
recently-vandalized property from installing barbed wire, lest a
trespasser get hurt and sue. Meanwhile, in Michigan, Scott
Zeilinski, who is serving eight years in prison for armed robbery,
filed a lawsuit against the store he had robbed because an employee
(whom Zeilinski had just threatened with a knife to the throat) had
pulled out his gun and shot Zeilinski. [Southern Daily Echo
(Redbridge, England), 9-4-09] [WCPO-TV (Cincinnati), 9-1-09]
Undignified Deaths
* Ironies: (1) A 77-year-old woman in Heaton Mersey, England,
who was described by friends as an enthusiastic shopper whose
home was crammed to the ceiling with purchases, died in January
of natural causes, but rescuers made five passes through the clutter
before locating her body under stacks of goods that had fallen on
her. (2) A 45-year-old devout Catholic was killed recently in
Vienna, Austria, shortly after a harrowing experience on a stuck
elevator. The man had been so traumatized that, following his
rescue, he went straight to the Weinhaus Church to give thanks.
However, as he approached the altar, an 850-lb. stone pillar fell
and crushed him. [BBC News, 7-28-09] [Austrian Times, 9-9-09;
Daily Telegraph (London), 9-10-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (June 2001)
* "Pain is the sensation of weakness leaving the body," Phoenix,
Ariz., "artist" Steve Haworth told a Phoenix New Times reporter in
May 2001, while he was arranging scenes for associates of his
Church of Body Modification, including a horizontal full-body
suspension (hanging for five minutes by rings in body piercings); a
tug of war (full-force pulling contest using a rope held taut through
rings on various body piercings); free-moving implants just below
the skin that appear to be, say, a living bracelet; and various body
alterations such as "Vulcan" ears, a ribbed penis, and a filleted
male urethra. Haworth won't amputate anything, though (too
"destructive," he said), thus displeasing his girlfriend, who wants
to lose two toes in order to fit into smaller shoes. [Phoenix New
Times, 5-31-01]
Thanks This Week to Sam Gaines, Joe Church, Ron
Crumpton, and Phil Carhart, and to the News of the Weird Board
of Editorial Advisors.
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