News of the Weird, September 25, 2011
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* The medical establishment generally regards placentas (afterbirth)
as biohazardous waste, but to New York City placenta chef Jennifer
Mayer, they are a nutrient-laden meat that can alleviate postpartum
depression and aid in breastmilk production (among other so-far-
unverified benefits). Mayer typically sets up in clients' own
kitchens, she told New York magazine for an August story. Some
placentas are "really intense, with grief or sadness or uncertainty."
Others might be "joyful," "big and round." Mayer's method: Drain
the blood, blot dry, cook for a half-hour (leaving something
resembling brisket), chop into slivers, dehydrate overnight
(rendering it jerky-like). For a popular touch, Mayer then grinds it
in a blender and pours the powder into several dozen (one-a-day)
capsules. [New York, 8-29-2011]
Can't Possibly Be True
* The Learning Channel's "Toddlers & Tiaras" series has pushed
critics' buttons enough with its general support of the competitive
world of child beauty pageants, but a recent episode provoked
unusually rabid complaints, according to a September New York
Post report. Mother Lindsay Jackson had costumed her 4-year-old
Maddy as "Dolly Parton"--anatomically correct (chest and backside)
Dolly Parton. The Post described Maddy as "embarrass[ed]" at her
chest when another 4-year-old pointed at her and asked, "What is
that?" (Ultimately, the judges liked Maddy--for "sweetest face.")
[New York Post, 9-2-2011]
* Things You Didn't Think Existed: (1) World Record for Length
of Tonsils: Justin Werner, 21, of Topeka, Kan., was certified in
July by the Guinness Book, with tonsils measuring 2.1 inches and
1.9 inches, respectively. The old "champion" was Justin Dodge of
Milwaukee. (2) Global Competition in Dominos: The breakaway
Georgian region of Abkhazia will be the site, in October, of the
world domino championship. (Twenty-five countries belong to the
International Domino Federation.) [Wichita Eagle-AP, 7-18-2011]
[New York Times, 9-9-2011]
* Retired U.S. Army Sergeant Major Rob Dickerson finally
received his purple heart this summer, four years after he was
seriously wounded in a rocket attack in Iraq and two years after he
began a paperwork battle with the Army to "prove" his injury.
Recently, the Army had apologized and mailed him the award, but it
arrived C.O.D., leaving Dickerson to pay the $21 fee. (The Army
subsequently reimbursed Dickerson the fee, but Dickerson said he
hasn't been able to cash the check, in that it was erroneously made
out to "Roy Dirksen.") [KELO-TV (Sioux Falls, S.D.), 8-4-2011]
Inexplicable
* Madrid's Getafe soccer club, struggling for customers, startled
Spain this summer by commissioning a porn movie, with zombies,
hoping to attract more fans. As if that were not quixotic enough, it
then tied the movie to a campaign to solicit sperm-bank donations.
Explained the film's producer, Angel Torres, "We have to move a
mass of fans to seed the world with Getafe supporters." A promo
for the film follows a Getafe fan, armed with a copy of the movie
for his viewing pleasure, as he disappears into a clinic's private
cubicle to fulfill his donation. [Daily Mail (London), 8-19-2011]
Unclear on the Concept
* "Do You See the Blimp Who Robbed You?": In August, 400-
pound Eric Kenley, 48, won a new trial for his two New York City
robbery convictions after appeals court judges realized that the
police lineup that identified him was unfair, in that he is apparently
much fatter than the other men in his lineup. The police had
attempted to compensate by using larger-than-average men and by
presenting them all seated, to minimize the weight difference. [New
York Post, 8-25-2011]
* Obviously intense about potential child-trafficking, the
government of Quebec, Canada, requires strict proof of a live birth,
certified by a doctor or licensed midwife. However, the waiting list
to hire either one is long, and Heather Mattingsly went with an
unlicensed midwife, whose word the Directeur de l'etat civil
declined to accept. Four months after the birth, the agency ordered
Mattingsly to submit to a vaginal examination. After "calls from
the media" (according to a Montreal Gazette report) persuaded the
agency that such an exam was useless, it finally agreed, on August
26th, to grant a birth certificate if Mattingsly submitted a doctor-
certified copy of her pre-birth ultrasound. [Montreal Gazette, 8-26-
2011]
* You're Doing It Wrong: Jason Dean, 24, was arrested in
Ringgold, Ga., in August and charged with false imprisonment after
he waited in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, approached an 18-year-
old woman, and handcuffed her to himself. After her screams
brought others to come help her, Dean explained that he had been
trying for several months to get the woman to go out with him but
that she had so far refused. [Times Free Press (Chattanooga, Tenn.),
8-11-2011]
* A New York Times obituary for former lead singer Jani Lane of
the heavy metal band Warrant revealed that Mr. Lane's birth name
(he was born a year after Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President
John F. Kennedy) was John Kennedy Oswald. Rebellious
musicians (Warrant's debut album was "Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinking
Rich") often adopt provocative stage names to enhance their image,
but Mr. Lane must be one of the very few to have abandoned a
provocative birth name in favor of a bland one. [New York Times,
8-13-2011]
Least Competent Criminals
* No Respect: (1) The man who approached tellers at the Eastern
Bank in South Boston on August 25th eventually fled empty-handed
but only after one teller had refused his order for "all your money"
(she told him she was "closed") and another had scolded him for
breaking into the front of the adjacent line and for not removing his
hoodie. (2) A man dressed as Gumby was ignored by a 7-Eleven
clerk when he tried to rob the store in Rancho Penasquitos, Calif.,
on September 5th. The clerk told "Gumby" not to waste his time,
and "Gumby" finally fled. The clerk had such little respect for
"Gumby" that he did not even report the "robbery"; it came to light
only when his boss was reviewing surveillance video. [Boston
Globe, 8-27-2011] [Seattle Times-AP, 9-7-2011]
Update
* Richard Kreimer (whose appearances in News of the Weird in
1991 and 2006 achieved "Classic" status earlier this year) is back,
apparently still defiantly malodorous. He recently filed four
lawsuits against NJ Transit, alleging that he has been illegally
prevented from boarding trains just because he is homeless. (NJ
Transit says his behavior and lack of hygiene irritate passengers.)
A former Kreimer lawyer told the Newark Star-Ledger in August
that Kreimer virtually runs "sting" operations, waiting for people to
offend him so he can sue. Kreimer, who tape records all his
conversations, told the Star-Ledger that the lawsuits will continue,
although he looks forward to one day being able to "close my law
practice." However, for now, he says, "Business is booming."
[Star-Ledger, 8-1-2011]
New Frontiers in Perversion
* Mennonites, a famously patriarchal, closed-sect religion, often
live in colonies such as the one in Bolivia founded by a group from
Manitoba, Canada. At press time, eight men from the colony are on
trial in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, for rapes of up to 130 women and girls
from 2005-2009, allegedly instigated by Peter Weiber, 48, the
colony's veterinarian. Weiber supposedly converted a cow
anesthetic into an aerosol sedative that he sprayed into the victims'
open bedroom windows at night, after which he and his co-
defendants would enter and have their way with the victims.
According to an August dispatch in Time magazine, the case is
hampered by shamed victims' reluctance to testify and by the
behavior of the defendants, who have been "laughing" at witnesses,
"jok[ing] with guards," or "fall[ing] asleep" during the trial. [Time,
8-17-2011]
A News of the Weird Classic (January 2005)
* When Billy W. Williams, 53, skipped out during his trial for
aggravated assault in 2003 in Dallas, Tex., Judge Faith Johnson was
obviously annoyed, though Williams was nonetheless found guilty
in absentia. When Williams was recaptured and returned to her
courtroom in October 2004 for sentencing, Judge Johnson organized
a "welcome back" party in his "honor," with balloons, streamers,
and a cake, to create a festive backdrop for her gleeful
announcement that she was sentencing him to life in prison. [CNN-
AP, 10-26-04]
Thanks This Week to Paul Catledge, Scott Stapleton, Phil
Phillips, Craig Cryer, and Larry Seltzer, and to the News of the
Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
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