News of the Weird, December 20, 2009
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Spare the Rod: In September, engaging in a 300-year tradition of
the Dussera holiday in India's Tamil Nadu state, Hindu priests
ritually whipped 2,000 young women and girls over a five-hour
period as penance for a range of sins, from insufficient studying to
moral impurity. Said one sobbing yet inspired lash recipient, to an
NDTV reporter, "[W]hen we are whipped, we will get rid of our
mental and physical ailments and evil spirits." (And in November,
Pope John Paul II was revealed to have periodically atoned for sins
by privately whipping himself, according to a nun who worked
with him and who was cited in the Vatican's ongoing consideration
of John Paul II for sainthood. The nun said she heard him
distinctly several times from an adjacent room.) [New Delhi
Television, 9-30-09] [Daily Telegraph (London), 11-23-09]
Compelling Explanations
* From a police report in the North Bay (Ontario) Nugget
(November 7th): An officer in line at a traffic light, realizing that
cars had not moved through two light changes, walked up to the
lead car to investigate. The driver said she was not able to move
on the green lights because she was still on the phone and thus
driving off would be illegal. The officer said a brief lecture
improved the woman's understanding of the law. [North Bay
Nugget, 11-7-09]
* The inspector general of the National Science Foundation
revealed that on-the-job viewing of pornography websites was so
widespread at the agency that the resultant ethics investigations
hindered his primary mission of investigating fraud on grant
contracts. The agency report, obtained by the Washington Times
in September, said the heaviest user was a senior executive who
logged on to pornography at least 331 days in 2008. He
subsequently retired, but before leaving defended his habit,
claiming that his website visits actually helped impoverished
women in Third World countries to earn a decent living (by posing
for pornography). [Washington Times, 9-29-09]
* Fine Lawyering: Jacob Christine, 21, acting as his own lawyer at
an October hearing, denying charges that he severely slashed a
fellow inmate at an Easton, Pa., prison, offered his own view of
whoever the perpetrator was: "Whoever attacked [the victim] had
a high regard for life," said Christine, because the cut "isn't deep at
all. It's on his neck. It's not on his face." [Morning Call
(Allentown), 10-16-09]
Ironies
* When Minnesota's Riverview Community Bank opened for
business in 2004, founder Chuck Ripka claimed divine inspiration
-- that God had told him to "pastor the bank" and, in exchange, that
He would "take care of the bottom line," leading Ripka to use
"prayer" as a theme in the bank's promotions. In October 2009,
Riverview became only the sixth bank in the state to be shut down
by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. Riverview acknowledged
that it had invested aggressively in real estate. [Star Tribune, 10-
24-09]
* Dr. Hulda Clark, 80, passed away in September of multiple
myeloma, an advanced cancer of the plasma cells. Before she was
stricken, she had authored three books touting her eccentric
remedies as cures, first, for "all diseases," and then, especially,
cancer. In her books "The Cure for All Cancers" and "The Cure for
All Advanced Cancers," she urged those diagnosed to immediately
stop chemotherapy and embrace her quixotic regimens, to subdue
the "parasites" that cause cancer. [Announcement on
HuldaClark.net, posted October 2009; Scienceblogs.com, 10-27-
09]
The Litigious Society
* Albert Freed's lawsuit for defective underwear against Hanes was
dismissed in October by a Pensacola, Fla., judge, even though
Freed had complained that the briefs had caused severe pain and
ruined his vacation. Freed said the garment's flap had inexplicably
failed to close, allowing his penis to protrude and rub against swim
trunks that contained sand from the beach. irritating the sensitive
skin. However, Freed delayed diagnosing the problem -- by
declining to inspect his organ. He explained that he cannot easily
peer over his "belly" (and wouldn't even consider, he said,
examining his naked self in a mirror or asking his wife to inspect).
Consequently, he had endured increased irritation before
recognizing the source of the chafing. [Courthouse News Service,
10-28-09, citing Freed vs. Hanes, Escambia County District Court,
released 10-12-09]
* According to a November Chicago Sun-Times report, county
officials in Chicago have agreed to pay a $14,000 injury claim to
janitor Mary Tait, of the sheriff's department. The amount covers
two incidents, in 1997 and 1998, in which she hurt her back in the
same way -- while "reaching around to pick up a piece of toilet
paper." [Chicago Sun-Times, 11-19-09]
Latest Human Rights
* In November, a judge in Somerville, N.J., overruled a local
police chief who had rejected a firearms license for hunting
enthusiast James Cap, 46. The judge ordered the chief to grant the
license, even though Cap is a quadriplegic and will need to mount
the gun on his wheelchair and fire it by blowing into a tube. (Cap
was an avid hunter before a football injury incapacitated him.)
[New York Times-AP, 11-11-09]
Smooth Reactions
* (1) In July, Charles Diez was charged with attempted murder for
his angry reaction to a bicyclist who was carrying his 3-year-old
son on the bike unsafely, on a busy Asheville, N.C., street.
According to police, Diez was so anguished that he pulled his gun
and fired at the bicyclist, grazing the man's helmet. (2) In October,
just as Pennsylvania federal judge Lawrence Stengel was launching
into his explanation for the sentence he was about to impose, bank
robber Trammel Bledsoe grew impatient. "Can you hurry this up?
I don't have time for this. Just sentence me . . .." ("You'll have all
the time in the world," responded Stengel, who gave Bledsoe 41
years.) [WYFF-TV (Greenville, S.C.), 7-27-09] [Morning Call
(Allentown, Pa.), 10-2-09]
People Who Went Too Far
* Great Expectorations: (1) Charles Hersel, 39, was arrested in
Thousand Oaks, Calif., in November after police investigators
overheard him offer $31 to a Westlake High School boy to spit in
Hersel's face. Several boys had complained to police that a man
(allegedly Hersel) had approached them, offering money for
expelling saliva and other bodily fluids on him. (2) Also in
November, Patrick Girard, 29, a member of the City Council in
Plattsburgh, N.Y., apologized to the constituent in whose face
Girard had spit at the height of a barroom argument about the
Boston Red Sox. Said the constituent, "It got in my eye, on my
face, on my jacket." [Los Angeles Times, 11-20-09] [Press
Republican (Plattsburgh), 11-12-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Could've Planned Better: (1) Vincent Salters, 46, was arrested in
East Knoxville, Tenn., in November after having shoplifted shoes
the day before from the Shoe Show store. He had dashed out
hurriedly with several display shoes, but an employee said they
were all for the left foot. Salters was arrested outside the store the
next day, perhaps having come to pick up right-foot shoes. (2)
Travis Himmler, 22, was charged with burglary in November after
allegedly stealing the cash register from the Golden Wok restaurant
in Bloomington, Minn., and carrying it away on his bicycle. He
was found down the street, injured, after taking a bad tumble when
the dangling cash register cord got caught in the bike's spokes.
[Knoxville News-Sentinel, 11-26-09] [Sun Newspapers (Eden
Prairie, Minn.), 11-26-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (December 2000)
* Las Vegas body modifier Nathan McKay, 24, complained in
November 2000 about the difficulty of getting proper medical care,
namely, further surgery to prevent his already-surgically-forked
tongue from fusing back together and removal of all teeth (and
replacement with platinum implants). Said McKay, who also has
one-inch-stretched holes in his earlobes (for holding ebony disks):
"I want my tongue split . . . as far back as possible, to the uvula, so
I have two separate strands in my mouth." The original surgeon
was a family friend, but he has balked at any follow-up. Said
McKay, "I'm not trying to turn myself into anything except
someone to remember." [Las Vegas Review-Journal, 11-20-00]
Thanks This Week to Dan Andrews, Barclay Livker, Sam
Gaines, Larry Lee, and Hal Dunham, and to the News of the Weird
Board of Editorial Advisors.
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