News of the Weird, February 28, 2010
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* When Dexter Blanch's dog nearly died from complications
during spay surgery, he decided to use the event as inspiration and
recently brought to market a chastity belt to give pet owners more
control of their animals' animal instincts. The Pet Anti-Breeding
System harness is especially valuable to professional breeders who
may want to keep a female out of one or more "heat cycles"
without resorting to sterilization. So far, said Blanch, the belts
have been proven effective, but he admitted to a San Francisco
Chronicle reporter in February that horndog males pose severe tests
by gnawing relentlessly at the leather straps that are crimping their
style. [San Francisco Chronicle, 2-3-10]
The Continuing Crisis
* The Importance of the Dictionary: (1) When Donald Williams
was publicly sworn in as a judge in Ulster County, N.Y., on
January 2nd, offices were closed, and no one could find a Bible.
Since holy books are not legally required, Williams took the oath
with his hand on a dictionary. (2) Merriam Webster's 10th edition
dictionary is so influential that the Menifee Union School District
in southern California removed all copies from its elementary
schools' shelves in January, in response to a parent's complaint
that the book contains a reference to "oral sex." [St. Petersburg
Times-AP, 1-5-10] [Press-Enterprise (Riverside, Calif.), 1-21-10]
* "Texting" While Driving Is Not the Problem: (1) Briton Rachel
Curtis, 23, was sentenced to 12 months in prison by Bristol Crown
Court in October for leading police on a high-speed chase while
injecting heroin. (2) Authorities in Scottsboro, Ala., in December
arrested a man after a high-speed chase during which he allegedly
had methamphetamine cooking in the front seat. (3) Long-haul
trucker Thomas Wallace was charged with manslaughter in
Buffalo, N.Y., in January after his rig struck a parked car, killing
the occupant, while Wallace was distracted watching pornography
on his laptop computer. [The Times (London), 10-31-09]
[Birmingham News, 12-23-09] [Columbus Dispatch, 1-27-10]
* Too-Swift Justice: It is not unheard of for someone to commit a
crime and then immediately surrender, usually for safety or for the
comfort of a warm jail cell (such as Timmy Porter, 41, did in
Anchorage, Alaska, in October immediately after robbing the First
National Bank Alaska). However, Gerard Cellette Jr., 44, tried to
be even more helpful. Knowing that he would soon be arrested
(and probably convicted) for running a $53 million Ponzi scheme
in the Minneapolis area, he walked into a county judge's chambers
in December and offered to begin serving time. The judge
explained that Cellette would have to wait until charges were filed
and a plea recorded. [Anchorage Daily News, 10-23-09] [Star
Tribune, 12-9-09]
* Timing Is Everything: Guido Boldini (and his mother Constance
Boldini) pleaded guilty last April to soliciting a hit man to take out
Guido's ex-girlfriend, Michelle Hudon, after a contentious child-
custody battle in Keene, N.H. The "hit man" was, of course, an
undercover cop, and the son and mother are now serving a
combined 12 to 35 years in prison. However, unknown to the
Boldinis, Michelle Hudon had been diagnosed with cancer, and in
September, she died. [Keene Sentinel, 11-10-09]
Bright Ideas
* An official in Shijiazhuang, China, told Agence France-Presse in
December that the city's new "women only" parking lot was
designed to meet females' "strong sense of color and different
sense of distance." That is, the spaces are three feet wider than
regular spaces and painted pink and purple. Also, attendants have
been "trained" to "guide" women into parking spaces. [BBC News,
12-28-09]
* Lenoir County, N.C., sheriff's deputies raided a suspected
marijuana farm in January and but learned that the grow operation
was all underground. The 60 live plants were being cultivated
inside an abandoned school bus, which had been completely
buried, using several backhoes, accessible by a tunnel and with a
garage built on top of it. [WITN-TV (Greenville, N.C.), 1-14-10]
The Fragrance of Love
* First, farmer Dick Kleis of Zwingle in eastern Iowa, composing a
birthday note to his wife, arranged more than 60 tons of manure in
a pasture to spell out "Happy Birthday, Love You" in shorthand.
Then, for Valentine's Day, farmer Bruce Andersland created a half-
mile-wide, arrow-pierced heart from plowed manure at his farm
near the town of Albert Lea, Minn. "Now I've got my valentine!"
shouted wife Beth, when she first viewed the aerial image.
[WTTG-TV (Washington, D.C.), 1-5-10] [Albert Lea Tribune, 2-
11-10]
Oops!
* Helmut Kichmeier, 27, a hypnotist "trainee" who appears as
Hannibal Helmurto in Britain's Circus of Horrors, accidentally
hypnotized himself in January as he was practicing in front of a
mirror. (Being in such a trance helps him swallow swords on
stage.) His wife called Kichmeier's mentor, Dr. Ray Roberts, who,
as a "voice of authority," was able to snap Kichmeier out of it over
the phone. [Daily Telegraph, 1-5-10]
Fine Points of the Law
* (1) A death-row inmate has a right to question the fairness of the
sentencing jurors if they appear to be so friendly with the judge that
they give him (and the bailiff) post-trial gag chocolates shaped like
breasts and penises. The U.S. Supreme Court in January ordered a
lower court to consider a rehearing request from convicted killer
Marcus Wellons of Georgia. (2) Seattle-area resident Patricia
Sylvester, on trial for vehicular assault in October, was declared
"not guilty" by the jury, but her sense of relief quickly faded.
Polling the jurors individually, the judge learned that the verdict
was not unanimous, as required by law. He sent them back to
deliberate further, and Sylvester was this time unanimously found
"guilty" (although of a lesser charge). [American Bar Association
Journal, 1-19-10] [Whidbey News Times (Whidbey, Wash.), 10-
22-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Didn't Think Ahead: (1) Two men tied up employees at a
recycling company in Chicago in December, intending to take
away the ATM on the premises, which is normally used to pay
people who bring in scrap metal. However, the two men fled
empty-handed after realizing that they were not strong enough to
carry the 250-lb. machine out to their truck. (2) Lloyd Norris, 57,
was arrested in Gwinnett County, Ga., in February and charged
with mortgage fraud, after he tried to buy a house with "cash"
consisting of a nonsensical $225,000 "U.S. Treasury" promissory
note, supposedly "certified" by Secretary Timothy Geithner.
Norris had prepared $1 billion worth of the documents on his
computer and apparently assumed that banks would not look too
closely at them. [Chicago Sun-Times, 12-31-09] [Atlanta Journal-
Constitution, 2-10-10]
Sometimes, Men Just Have to Prove Theirs Is Bigger
* (1) A 31-year-old man was stabbed in St. Cloud, Minn., in
January. He told police that he and another man were approaching
each other on a sidewalk, and when neither man gave way, the
other man stabbed him. (2) Scott Elder, 22, was charged with
shooting a 24-year-old man in Savannah, Ga., in October after an
escalating argument that started when one of the two strangers sent
a text message to a wrong number. One comment led to another,
and the men agreed to meet in a downtown parking lot to settle
things. (3) Lankward Harrington, 25, was walking past a gardener
working on lawn in Washington, D.C., in October 2006 when grass
clippings blew onto his clothes. At his trial In October 2010,
Harrington was convicted of murder for shooting the gardener four
times in the face. Said Harrington, on the witness stand, "He got
grass on me. [I] take pride in my appearance." [St. Cloud Times, 1-
16-10] [Savannah Morning News, 10-28-09] [Washington Post,
10-7-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (April 2005)
* Dr. Thomas Perls, director of the New England Centenarian
Study at Boston University Medical School, told a conference in
Brisbane, Australia, in March 2005 that he donates blood regularly,
largely because he believes it will prolong his life. Women outlive
males, Dr. Perls believes, mainly because they menstruate. Perls
said iron loss inhibits the growth of free radicals that age cells. "I
menstruate," he said, "every eight weeks." [News Limited
(Australia), 3-19-05]
Thanks This Week to Stephen Taylor, Bob Pert, Sarah
Rosenzweig, Gil Nelson, Hal Dunham, William Howe, Bruce
Leiserowitz, Thomas Wyman, Sandy Pearlman, and Cindy
Hildebrand, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial
Advisors.
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