News of the Weird, January 17, 2010
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Big-time traffickers who smuggle illegal immigrants into the
U.S. from Mexico rely on GPS devices to evade the Border Patrol,
but starting in June, border-jumpers who travel on their own can
have protection, too. Three University of California, San Diego
faculty members have designed inexpensive cell phones with
special software to locate water, churches, and medical facilities in
the treacherous Southwest desert (while avoiding law enforcement)
and will give the devices to Mexican charities. The phones, which
will also feature "welcome to the U.S." poetry, are expected to save
the lives of many of the hundreds who die each year on their
dangerous journeys, but illegal-immigration protesters are
demanding that the academics be arrested for assisting in crimes.
[USA Today-AP, 12-29-09]
The Continuing Crisis
* A man identified in China's Chongqing Evening News in
November as Mr. Zhang, 32, admitted he is competitive with his
wife and "never wants to lose an argument," but inevitably his
contentiousness leaves him with "bruises and scars all over"
because Mrs. Zhang is a kung fu master. After negotiations led by
Mrs. Zhang's parents, she agreed by contract to limit any beatings
to no more than once a week, with a parent-administered penalty
for exceeding that. [Daily Telegraph (London), 12-2-09]
* [Language Warning for Sensitive Eyes]
American Jonathan Littell was awarded the 2009 "Bad Sex in
Fiction" award by Britain's prestigious Literary Review, having
written passages like these in his novel The Kindly Ones: "I
came suddenly, a jolt that emptied my head like a spoon
scraping the inside of a soft-boiled egg." Later: A woman's
genitalia resembles "a Gorgon's head . . . a motionless Cyclops
whose single eye never blinks. If only I could still get hard, I
thought, I could use my prick like a stake hardened in the fire,
and blind this Polyphemus who made me Nobody. But my cock
remained inert, I seemed turned to stone." [The Guardian
(London), 11-30-09]
* The Kirklees (West Yorkshire, England) Environmental Health
department cited farmer Ronald Norcliffe, 65, in 2008 for
inadequate lighting in his barn, which inspectors said failed to meet
the "psychological needs" of his one cow and her calf. In his
formal appeal, heard in October 2009, Norcliffe noted
(unsuccessfully) that he has had a clean record as a farmer for 30
years and that in fact, he still lives fine without electricity in his
own house. After his defeat, Norcliffe's lawyer sighed. "I still
have no idea how much lighting is appropriate for a cow." [Daily
Telegraph, 10-14-09]
* In December, a court in Istanbul, Turkey, found 39 people guilty
of trying to overthrow the government after a trial that lasted, on
and off, for 28 years. More than 1,000 defendants had been
rounded up after challenging a 1980 military coup. The original
trial lasted 10 years, but the case languished in an appeals court for
13 years while judges awaited 100 folders of evidence that had
somehow gone missing. The 39 were given life sentences but were
immediately released based on time already served. The European
Union has urged that Turkey upgrade its judicial system as a pre-
condition for membership. [BBC News, 12-15-09]
* Intelligent Design: As with all copulating species, female
Muscovy ducks battle male Muscovy ducks over which controls
fertilization. Patricia Brennan of Yale, writing in a recent
Proceedings of the Royal Society B: Biological Sciences, found
that the female Muscovy avoids forced sex by having evolved a
clockwise-spiraled corkscrew vagina that foils male intruders (but
relaxing it for preferred mates, so that they don't get stuck in
vaginal "cul-de-sacs"). Brennan's team worked with high-speed
video and mock-up glass tubing of the respective organs.
[LiveScience.com, 12-23-09]
News That Sounds Like a Joke
* Plastic surgeon Mark Weinberger, who skipped town in
Merrillville, Ind., in 2004 to avoid mounting malpractice lawsuits
and medicare fraud charges, was finally cornered living in a tent on
the southern slopes of Italy's Mont Blanc in December. As
authorities approached to arrest him, Dr. Weinberger grabbed a
knife and plunged it into his neck, but perhaps owing to his rusty
skills (or incompetence, if the malpractice claims are accurate),
missed the major artery and was captured. [The Guardian
(London), 12-13-09]
* The Great Yarmouth Sea Life Centre in Norfolk, England,
lowered the water level in its giant aquarium for Christmas because
the big turtles (which are herbivores) were scheduled to receive
their annual holiday treat of brussels sprouts. Officials know from
experience that if they fail to lower the water level, the gas bubbles
from the powerful turtle emissions will lift the water high enough
to trigger the emergency tank-flooding buzzers. [Daily Telegraph,
12-15-09]
Just Can't Stop Myself!
* In November, Oprah Winfrey's mother Vernita Lee and the
luxury fashion store Valentina Inc. announced a settlement of the
latter's lawsuit over Lee's $155,547 outstanding tab. On a previous
tab of $174,285 in 2002, Lee had agreed to make periodic re-
payments, but the store apparently allowed her to open another
account, and as the new balance swelled, Lee sued, claiming the
store should not have re-extended credit to her. [Journal Sentinel,
11-23-09]
* In December, pedophile Theodore Sypnier (the first-ever New
Yorker to turn 100 years old while behind bars) was released from
prison even though he continues to deny that he has done anything
wrong. He was sent once again to a halfway house near Walden,
N.Y., run by Rev. Terry King, who took Sypnier in twice before
and warns that Sypnier is still highly dangerous. "As a father," said
King, "I would not want my child anywhere near him." Noting that
Sypnier continues to reject counseling, King said, "He's been
adamant that, 'I'm 100, and I'm not gonna change.'" [Buffalo News,
12-8-09; WIVB-TV (Buffalo), 12-9-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Failed to Keep a Low Profile: (1) A news summary of traffic
stops on Christmas Eve in Alice Springs, Australia, noted that 11
people were charged with DUI, including one man who was
spotted driving despite his car's hood being broken in the "up"
position and having smashed through his windshield. The driver
maneuvered down the street by craning his neck out the side
window. (2) Two weeks earlier, in Trumbull, Conn., police
arrested Christopher Frazao, 27, after watching him drive despite a
windshield full of snow (except for a small opening he could peer
though). A search of the car revealed marijuana and other drugs,
as well as items believed to have been stolen in recent burglaries.
[Australian Broadcasting Corp. News, 12-24-09] [WFSB-TV
(Hartford), 12-11-09]
Having Fun Now!
* On the heels of the "Balloon Boy" fiasco in which a super-
ambitious father exploited his child to win a reality TV job, Jim
Dunn of North Vancouver, Ontario, submitted a demo reel to
reality-show producers featuring him and his entire family turned
into gasoline-soaked fireballs. Dunn, one of Canada's leading film
stunt men, and his wife and three kids, ages 15, 12, and 9, have all
performed as stunt doubles (though it was the first fire for the
youngest, who was 7 when the video was shot), and abundant
safety precautions were taken (with no resulting complications). In
his career, Dunn has suffered six leg fractures and a cracked skull,
and needed two bowel resections. [Vancouver Sun, 12-29-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (April 1993)
* Psychology professor Russell Carney of Southwest Missouri
State University told the Associated Press in August 1992 that he
had developed a technique for improving memory and told the
reporter how he could facilitate the recall, say, that a particular
painting was done by Degas in 1865. First, think of an object that
sounds like "Degas" [day-GAH], for example, "dagger," and then
memorize the last two digits of the year by learning the sentence
"Twin new moons rose low, just clearing four pine saplings," in
which the first word begins with a T and stands for "1," the second,
N, stands for "2," and so on. Thus, 1865 becomes "65," which
becomes "just" "low," which could translate to J-L, which could be
"jelly," which would produce a "jelly dagger," to which the subject
tries to find a resemblance, somewhere, in the Degas painting.
Simple as that! [Springfield News-Leader-AP, 8-17-92]
Thanks This Week to Lorrell Louchard, Eugenia
Schenecker and Sandy Pearlman, and to the News of the Weird
Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
Are you ready for News of the Weird / Pro Edition? Every
Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and
http://www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses:
WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com,
and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.