Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Lead Story

* Slaved Over a Hot Stove:  Delivering gourmet meals to customers'
doors is a fast-growing business model, with chefs in nearly every
large modern city trying to cash in.  So far, perhaps only London's
brand-new Housebites goes the extra step.  According to its press
release, cited by Huffington Post in June, Housebites not only
home-delivers "restaurant quality" cuisine (at the equivalent of
about $15-$20 per entry) but offers an optional dirty-pans service
(about $8 extra), lending out the containers in which the food was
prepared, thus allowing clients to display "evidence" of their
culinary skills and hard work. [Huffington Post, 6-14-2012]

Government in Action

* Big Fish:  The U.S. Department of Justice has been widely
criticized for failing to bring to fruition investigations of Wall Street
traders' alleged lies (such as accusations that the firm MFS Global
made bets on European bonds by illegally using clients' money, of
which CEO Jon Corzine suspiciously professed to be unaware).
However, in several notable instances, its investigators have been
relentless--for instance prosecuting baseball's Roger Clemens for
lying to Congress and, in January, indicting marine biologist Nancy
Black, who faces 20 years in prison for allegedly lying to
investigators about whether her crew might have illegally whistled
at whales to attract their attention for a boatload of whale-watchers.
[Huffington Post, 1-5-2012]

* The government office in Liverpool, England, that takes
applications for benefits from disabled persons acknowledged in
March that it needed to relocate.  The office's parking garage is 13
stories high, but that still requires visitors to climb two more flights
of stairs from that level to reach the offices.  A Liverpool Council
statement admitted that the office was "not [in] the ideal location."
[Liverpool Echo, 3-3-2012]

Government Grants for Everybody!

* Worth Every Penny:  (1) In April, police chief John Crane of
Gadsden, Ala., learned that his department has owned, for two
years, two unmanned aerial drones.  He said he has no idea why
they were purchased (for about $150,000), but that local
taxpayers need not worry since they came with a federal law
enforcement grant.  (2) NBC Bay Area reports periodically on
results of 2009 federal stimulus money distributed in the San
Francisco area, and in May revealed that University of California,
San Francisco, had received $1.2 million to interview 200 men on
what effect being overweight has on their sex lives.  A government
budget activist decried funding a "sex study, over fixing bridges and
roads that are crumbling every day." [Associated Press via
Huffington Post, 5-1-2012] [KNTV (San Francisco), 5-16-2012]

* The Indispensability of Arts and Crafts:  (1) There are not enough
video games, according to the National Endowment for the Arts,
which in April awarded a $40,000 grant to the University of
Southern California to help produce another (based on Henry David
Thoreau's "Walden").  (2) Australia's Council for the Arts
announced in May that it would give A$20,000 (US equivalent,
$20,380) to the "death-metal" band Ouroboros, citing the band's
distinct genre and its need for a symphony orchestra for its next
album.  Said the drummer, "We wouldn't consider hiring an
orchestra to do this without [the grant]." [Time, 4-30-2012] [The
Australian, 5-21-2012]

Great Art!

* In May, performance artist Stuart Ringholt opened his show, at
the Museum of Contemporary Art Australia, naked.  His pieces (a
hodge-podge of exhibits on current art-world commentaries) were
secondary to his insistence that all visitors to the show also shuck
their clothing.  His subtext, he said, was to explore reactions to
extreme embarrassment (and told a New York Times correspondent
that in an earlier self-shaming display, he had stood by a marble
fountain for 20 minutes, dressed formally but with toilet paper
trailing from his trousers).  According to a Times dispatch from
Sydney, Ringholt was joined by 48 nude-yet-nonplussed patrons--32
men and 16 women. [New York Times, 5-2-2012]

* London's Hayward Gallery staged an exhibition in June of
"invisible art"--pieces that depend almost completely on the
imaginations of viewers.  For example, "1000 Hours of Staring," by
Tom Friedman, is a blank piece of paper that Friedman eyeballed
off and on over five years before deciding that the object was
finished and display-ready.  Friedman also "submitted" an empty
section of floor space, which he said was once cursed by a witch.
Also there:  an Andy Warhol bare platform that looks like it should
have something resting on it but doesn't and, by Yoko Ono, a typed
set of instructions urging patrons to imagine some stuff. [Daily
Telegraph (London), 5-18-2012]

Police Report

* Germany's Spiegel Online reported in April that police in
Hamburg had charged a 33-year-old man with 96 burglaries based
in part on the "ear prints" he left at each scene when he leaned
against a front door to detect whether anyone was home.  DNA and
fingerprints were also collected, said a police source, but
"[e]arprints are of similar value as fingerprints in terms of
evidence." [Spiegel Online, 4-30-2012]

* Easy Collar:  Kalvin Hulvey, 35, was charged with attempted auto
theft in Tulsa, Okla., in June after jumping into Jeremy Penny's van
and fleeing.  Penny, and his dad, took up the chase and caught
Hulvey.  Said Penny later, "I rodeo, [Dad and I] both rodeo."  When
police arrived, Hulvey had been neatly hog-tied and secured to a
fence.  Explained Penny, "[L]ately, I've been having bad luck
keeping calves tied [in rodeos], so [Dad] did the tying up." [KOTV
(Tulsa), 6-19-2012]

The Pervo-American Community

* (1) Charles Marshall, 28, was arrested in Cincinnati in June and
charged, for the fourth time in two years, with crimes involving
exposing himself and simulating sex with a teddy bear.  (It was not
reported whether it was the same teddy bear.)  (2) A 36-year-old
man was arrested in Harvard, Idaho, in May and charged with
indecent exposure.  A newspaper account reported that the target of
his flashing was a dog, which he was allegedly trying to entice to
approach the fence and nuzzle the man's genitals. [The Smoking
Gun, 6-15-2012] [Moscow-Pullman Daily News, 5-26-2012] sp

Least Competent Criminals

* You Would Think . . .:   (1) In June, Logan Schwab, 20, who
worked for the police department in Carlisle, Pa., was seen on
surveillance video sneaking into an office at the station, prying open
a desk, and taking away $200 to $300 in parking-ticket money.  (2)
In Panama City, Fla., in May, Michael Marquez, 34 (who had been
arrested with another man after being caught fighting over suspected
stolen goods), was seen snatching a clock off the wall of the room
in which he was being interrogated.  He had stuffed it into his
backpack when an officer left the room briefly, but was recorded on
surveillance video. [Associated Press via Pocono Record, 6-13-
2012] [WJHG-TV (Panama City, Fla.), 5-22-2012]

Recurring Themes

* In the U.S., most pre-schoolers who parade down pageant
runways with their mothers cheering them are 5- and 6-year-olds.
Britain's upcoming Miss Mini Princess UK will probably feature
Eleanor June Rees Sutherland, who has yet to reach her second
birthday.  Though Eleanor June's father strongly disapproves, Mom
Robyn told the London's Daily Mail that Eleanor June is a born
pageant contestant ("such a girly girl") who loves to wear makeup
and nail polish, especially bright colors, and already owns a
wardrobe of 20 dresses and 15 pairs of shoes.  Robyn seems assured
that pedophiles pose no threat: "I don't think there's anything sexy
about a child who's dressed like a little princess."  [Daily Mail, 6-
10-2012]

Movie Cliche Come to Life (and Death)

* Tragedy struck Poplar Bluff, Mo., on June 5th when five teenage
girls parked their Jeep on railroad tracks at night at a spot notorious
in local lore for the "ghost train" that once killed two people.  As a
train approached at 12:30 a.m., the girl driving tried to start the
Jeep, but, as in the movies, the engine failed.  Three girls fled, but,
as in the movies, two were not able to unfasten their seat belts in
time (and began screaming).  One of the girls returned and helped
one trapped girl escape, but the rescuer and the other trapped girl
died when the train hit the Jeep.)  [St. Louis Post-Dispatch, 6-5-
2012]

     Thanks This Week to Paul Peterson and Sandy Pearlman and
to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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