News of the Weird, December 18, 2011
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Only the Government: Stung by criticism in 2007 that they were
neglecting severely wounded service members, the Pentagon and
the Department of Veterans Affairs have now gone extreme the
other way, routinely providing at least a half-dozen (and as many as
two dozen) case workers per patient. A Government Accountability
Office report in October said the result was "duplication, confusion,
and turf battles," according to a November Washington Post report,
leaving the members and their families often conflicted and
overwhelmed about prognoses. At times the Pentagon (serving
active-duty personnel) and the VA (ex-military) balked over co-
ordinating their treatments. The agencies, however, told the Post
that any duplication was intentional, even though the Post cited
military families who each wished they had a single, authoritative
case manager they could turn to. A GAO official called the
situation "crazy" and "disturbing." [Washington Post, 11-18-2011]
Can't Possibly Be True
* The U.S.-Pakistan relationship has reached "the nadir of
absurdity" (wrote Wired.com) after a December report in The
Atlantic revealed that Pakistan "secures" its tactical nuclear
weapons by moving them around the country in ordinary unmarked
vans ("without noticeable defenses"). It supposedly uses the
"Econolines of Doom," "hidden" in plain sight on the country's
highways, because it fears the U.S. (its "ally") would steal the
bombs if it knew where they were. Dizzyingly, wrote Wired, the
U.S. funds Pakistan, yet regularly invades it, though desperately
needing Pakistan's help in Afghanistan, even as Pakistani soldiers
fight alongside Afghan insurgents against the U.S. [The Atlantic,
December 2011; Wired.com, 11-4-2011]
* In October, the super-enthusiastic winners of a Kingston, Ontario,
radio station contest claimed their prize: the chance to don gloves
and dig for free Buffalo Bills' football tickets (value $320), buried
in buffalo manure in a child's plastic inflatable pool. The show's
host, Sarah Crosbie, reported the digging live (but, overcome by the
smell, vomited on the air). More curious was a runner-up
contestant, who continued to muck around for the second prize even
though it was only tickets to a local zoo. [Yahoo Canada Sports, 10-
21-2011]
* In a federal lawsuit for malicious prosecution, a judge found a
"strong" likelihood that EPA agent Keith Phillips "deliberately" set
up a hazardous-waste enforcement case against Hubert Vidrine for
the purpose of facilitating his own work/sex relationship with a
female EPA agent. According to the court, Phillips was married
and unable to carry on with the agent (stationed in another city)
except when they worked together, which they did periodically over
a three-year period on the Vidrine case. In October, Vidrine was
awarded $1.6 million in damages. [New York Times, 10-4-2011]
* Least Competent Plans: (1) L.B. Williams, a white man married
to a black woman in Panama City, Fla., reported that the Ku Klux
Klan had burned a cross in his driveway in November and left a
threatening note. However, the note did not demand that the couple
move from the neighborhood; it demanded that they stay. Since the
Klan is not known for supporting mixed-race couples, the police
were suspicious and ultimately charged Williams with making the
threats, himself--to frighten his wife into abandoning the divorce
she had recently requested. (2) Paul Moran, possessing (according
to his lawyer) "considerable intellectual ability," nonetheless
attempted a procedure to turn his own feces into gold (and was
sentenced in October to three months in jail in Enniskillen,
Northern Ireland, after accidentally setting his apartment on fire in
the process). [Panama City News Herald, 11-15-2011] [Belfast
Telegraph, 10-20-2011]
* Cry for Help: Math teacher Paul LaDuke, 75, was fired in
November from the Schaumburg (Ill.) Christian School after a
student reported seeing him brazenly masturbate, with his pants
lowered, as he sat behind his desk in a full classroom. LaDuke had
been at the school for 26 years, and police believe (according to a
Chicago Tribune report) he had "committed similar acts at the
school several times a year for a decade or longer." [Chicago
Tribune, 11-15-2011]
Fine Points of the Law
* Proportionality: (1) Daniel Vilca, 26, was ordered to prison for
the rest of his life (without possibility of parole) following his
conviction in Naples, Fla., in November for having pornographic
photos of children on his computer. He had no previous criminal
record, nor was there evidence of any contact with children. The
judge computed the sentence by multiplying a five-year term by the
454 photos police found. (2) A week earlier, a judge in Dayton,
Ohio, sentenced former CEO Michael Peppel, 44, for defrauding his
shareholders by overstating revenue in a company that went on to
lose $298 million and cost 1,300 employees their jobs. Sentencing
guidelines recommended an 8-to-10-year term, but federal judge
Sandra Beckwith ordered Peppel to jail for seven days. [Dayton
Daily News, 10-29-2011]
* Dog walker Kimberly Zakrzewski was found not guilty in October
of violating the poop-scooping ordinance of Fairfax County, Va.,
despite photographic "evidence" of "Baxter"'s dog piles submitted
by neighbors Virginia and Christine Cornell (who had previously
been feuding with Zakrzewski). The jury chose to give greater
weight to testimony by Baxter's owner--that the photographed piles
were bigger than anything she had ever seen from Baxter. The
owner also revealed that she had brought to court one of Baxter's
actual piles but decided to leave it in her car. [Washington Post, 10-
25-2011]
Oops! Sorry About That . . .
* Bad Shots: (1) A 22-year-old man was shot in the face on
Vancouver Island, British Columbia, in September; his companion
on the camping trip thought he was shooting at a bear. (2) An 85-
year-old man was shot in the face in Augusta, Ga., in September; a
female acquaintance thought she was shooting at an opossum. (3)
A 20-year-old woman was shot in Vilas County, Wis., in July;
deputy sheriff Ty Peterson (a relative) had thought he was shooting
at a cougar. [National Post, 9-27-2011] [Atlanta Journal-
Constitution-AP, 9-19-2011] [WJFW-TV (Rhinelander, Wis.), 7-
27-2011]
The Pervo-American Community
* Can't Stop Himself: Convicted child-sex offender Charlie Price,
57, was arrested in Pittsfield, Mass., in October, but only for
disturbing the peace--because the "victim" was merely made of
cardboard. Price, spotting a sunglasses display in a Rite-Aid
pharmacy, had begun kissing and licking the face of the pictured
model, and groping her. [The Berkshire Eagle, 10-26-2011]
Crime in the F State
* (1) Two men outfitted as zombies were arrested for assault at a
Halloween party at a nudist resort in Pasco County, Fla. (One bit a
security guard, but he was not infected.) (2) Jeffrey Lluis, 27, who
performed stand-up comedy at clubs around Tampa, apparently held
a day job as bank robber (charged in November with knocking off a
SunTrust bank--twice). [St. Petersburg Times, 11-7-2011] [St.
Petersburg times 11-11-2011]
Undignified Deaths
* Thinning the Herd: (1) A 30-year-old woman and her
unidentified boyfriend were killed as they carried their domestic
brawl from their car onto Interstate 485 near Pineville, N.C., and
were struck by separate vehicles (October). (2) A 27-year-old man
was killed in a one-car crash in Broward County, Fla., in October.
He (a passenger) had punched his wife (the driver) in the face,
causing her to lose control and careen into a lake. (She and the
couple's 3-year-old daughter, in the back seat, survived.) [Charlotte
Observer, 10-25-2011] [Broward Palm Beach New Times, 10-26-
2011]
A News of the Weird Classic (July 2007)
* John Moore, 67, golfs nearly every day and has for about 20 years,
according to a July [2007] St. Petersburg Times report. The golf he
plays, though, consists of hitting 35 long-iron shots (five shots with
each of the seven balls he owns) on a grassy median strip along
Interstate 275 in downtown Tampa. "You can't play this game one
day, two days in a week," he said. "You have to play it all the time
if you want to do something with it." What Moore wants to do with
it, he told the Times, is to someday soon make his first-ever
appearance on an actual golf course. [St. Petersburg Times, 7-2-07]
Thanks This Week to Jeff Brown, Dan Clark, Donal
McBrien, Jeremy Taylor, and Randy Mason, and to the News of the
Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
*****
Are you ready for News of the Weird / Pro Edition? See it every
Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com. Other handy
addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net,
http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL
33679.