Copyright 2012 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Lead Story

* As the U.S. government's role in health care is debated, the French
government's role was highlighted in February with a report on
Slate.com about France's guarantee to new mothers of from "10 to
20" free sessions of "reeducation perineale" (vaginal re-toning to
restore the pre-pregnancy condition, a "cornerstone of French post-
natal care," according to Slate).  The sessions involve yoga-like
calisthenics to rebuild muscles and improve genital flexibility.
Similar procedures in the U.S. not only are not government
entitlements but are almost never covered by private insurance, and
besides, say surgeons, the patients who request them do so almost
entirely for aesthetic reasons.  The French program, by contrast, is
said to be designed not only for general health but to strengthen
women for bearing more children, to raise the birth rate.  [Slate, 2-
15-2012]

Compelling Explanations

* Drill, Baby, Drill:  U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas may have
been joking, but according to a February Washington Post story, he
seemed serious at a Natural Resources Committee hearing when
searching for yet more reasons why the U.S. should support oil
drilling in Alaska.  Caribou, he said, are fond of the warmth of the
Alaskan pipeline.  "So when they want to go on a date, they invite
each other to head over to the pipeline."  That mating ritual, Rep.
Gohmert concluded, is surely responsible for a recent tenfold
increase in the local caribou population. [Washington Post, 2-7-
2012]

* In assigning a bail of only $20,000, the judge in Ellisville, Miss.,
seemed torn about whether to believe that Harold Hadley is a
terrorist--that is, did Hadley plant a bomb at Jones County Junior
College?  In February, investigators told WDAM-TV that the
evidence against Hadley included a note on toilet paper on which he
had written, "I passed a bomb in the library."  However, no bomb
was found, and a relative of Hadley's told the judge that Hadley
often speaks of breaking wind as "passing a bomb."  The case is
continuing. [WDAM-TV (Hattiesburg, Miss.), 2-8-2012]

* John Hughes, 55, was fined $1,000 in February in Butte, Mont.,
after pleading guilty to reckless driving for leading police on a 100-
mph-plus chase starting at 3:25 a.m.  After police deflated his tires
and arrested him, an officer asked why he had taken off.  Said
Hughes, "I just always wanted to do that."  [Montana Standard, 2-4-
2012]

* Melvyn Webb, 54, was acquitted in March of alleged indecent
behavior on a train.  An eight-woman, four-man jury in Reading
(England) Crown Court found Webb's explanation entirely
plausible--that he was a banjo player and was "playing" some riffs
underneath the newspaper in his lap.  "[S]ometimes I do, with my
hands, pick out a pattern on my knees," he said.  (On the other hand,
the female witness against him had testified that Webb "was facing
me, breathing heavily, and snarling.") [Daily Mail, 3-7-2012]

Ironies

* Earl Persell, 56, was arrested in Palm Bay, Fla., in February when
police were summoned to his home on a domestic violence call.
Persell's girlfriend said he had assaulted her and held her down by
the neck, and then moments later, with his truck, rammed the car
she was driving away in.  The subject of the couple's argument was
legendary singer Tina Turner and her late, wife-beating husband Ike.
[Florida Today (Melbourne), 2-3-2012]

* U.S. military forces called to battle in Iraq and Afghanistan,
including Reservists and National Guardsmen on active duty, have
their civilian jobs protected by federal law, but every year the
Pentagon reports having to assist personnel who have been illegally
fired or demoted during their tours of duty.  Of all the employers in
the United States who are seemingly ignorant of the law, one stands
out:  civilian agencies of the federal government.  The Washington
Post, using a Freedom of Information Act request, revealed in
February that during fiscal year 2011, 18 percent of all complaints
under the law were filed against federal agencies. [Washington Post,
2-19-2012]

* Mark "Chopper" Read only wanted to help out his son's youth
athletics program in the Melbourne, Australia, suburb of
Collingwood in February but was rebuffed.  He had offered his
assistance at track meets by, for instance, firing the starter's pistol
for races, but officials declined after learning that Read had recently
been released from prison after 23 years and had boasted of killing
19 people and once attempting to kidnap a judge at gunpoint. [The
Mercury (Hobart), 2-14-2012]

* Damien Bittar of Eugene, Ore., turned 21 at midnight on March
15th and apparently wanted to get a quick start on his legal-drinking
career.  By 1:30 a.m., his car had been impounded, and he had been
charged with DUI, reckless driving, and criminal mischief after he
accidentally crashed into an alcohol rehabilitation center. [KVAL-
TV (Eugene), 3-15-2012]

Fine Points of the Law

* Internal Revenue Service is battling the estate of art dealer Ileana
Sonnabend over the value of a Robert Rauschenberg stuffed bald
eagle that is part of his work "Canyon."  IRS has levied taxes as if
the work were worth $65 million, but the Sonnabend estate, citing
multiple auction-house appraisals, says the correct value is "zero,"
since it is impossible to sell the piece because two federal laws
prohibit the trafficking of bald eagles, whether dead or alive.
(Despite the law, IRS says, there is a black market for the work, for
example, by a "recluse billionaire in China [who] might want to buy
it and hide it.")  [Artinfo, 2-23-2012]

Least Competent Criminals

* (1) Maureen Reed, 41, was charged with DUI in March in
Lockport, N.Y., after arriving at a police station inebriated.  She had
gotten into an altercation with two others at the Niagara Hotel and
left to go press charges.  The police station is about 200 feet from
the hotel, but Reed unwisely decided to drive her car there instead
of walking.  (2) Two men were robbed in a motel room in
Bradenton, Fla., in February by Cedrick Mitchell, 39, who pulled a
handgun on them but lost it in a struggle when the men started to
fight back.  One of the men pepper-sprayed Mitchell, sending him
fleeing.  He returned a few minutes later and begged to buy the gun
back for $40, but all he got was another pepper-spraying.  Police
arrested Mitchell nearby.  [Lockport Journal, 3-13-2012]
[Bradenton Herald, 2-23-2012]

Update

* Dr. Peter Trigger, 62, apparently suffered a relapse in Thorplands,
England, in February.  Dr. Trigger violated his Anti-Social Behavior
Order (the one reported in News of the Weird in 2009) by standing
passively alongside the grounds of the Woodvale Primary School as
parents dropped kids off for classes.  As before, he was wearing a
thigh-length grey skirt and a blue Northampton Academy Blazer
even though forbidden to be near a school while dressed in either a
skirt or a school uniform.  His lawyer said that Dr. Trigger
desperately wants to be a woman. [Northampton Chronicle, 2-29-
2012]

Could Be True.  Maybe Not.

* (1) Asian News International, citing a March China Today report,
disclosed that a 68-year-old woman from the countryside, visiting
her son in the city of Dalian, China, for the first time, used an
unheard-of (for China) 98 tons of water over a two-month period
because she was apparently mesmerized by the wonder of seeing her
first flush toilet (which she continually engaged approximately
every five minutes).  (Her use breaks down to 391 gallons a day,
somewhat higher than the average U.S. household's.)  (2) In Port
Harcourt, Nigeria, in March, police finally straightened out the
street confrontation between several men and a wheelchair-using
man who, they thought, was making their penises disappear.
According to National Network Newspapers, the police brought all
parties to the station and ordered pants to be pulled down.  All
organs were said to be intact, but one man still complained that the
his had been made "lifeless." [China Today via ANI, 3-28-2012]
[National Network Newspapers (Port Harcourt), 3-21-2012]

     Thanks This Week to Perry Levin and Bob Smakula, and to
the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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