News of the Weird, July 18, 2010
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Lead Story
* "Why are you still alive?" is the question doctors ask Ozzy
Osbourne, the hard-rock singer and reality-TV star, who says he is
now clean and sober after a lifetime of almost unimaginably bad
habits. In June, he started two new ventures: undergoing the three-
month process of genetic mapping (to help doctors learn why,
indeed) and becoming a "health advice" columnist for London's
Sunday Times. At various points in his life, the now-cholesterol-
conscious, vegetarian Osbourne said he drank four bottles of cognac
a day, smoked cigars like they were cigarettes, took 42 prescribed
medications and many more "backstage" drugs that he could not
even identify. Osbourne also has a Parkinson's-like genetic tremor,
was once in a medically-induced coma after an accident, and
endured anti-rabies shots after famously biting into a bat on stage ("I
thought it was a rubber toy"). [Sunday Times, 6-6-10]
Ironies
* An intense lightning storm on June 14th around Monroe, Ohio,
destroyed the iconic 62-foot-high statue of Jesus (the "King of
Kings" structure of the Solid Rock Church) alongside Interstate 75.
While townspeople mourned, it was also noteworthy what the
lightning bolts completely missed: the large billboard, on the other
side of the road, advertising the nearby Hustler Hollywood
pornography store. [Springfield News-Sun, 6-15-10]
* Despite a scary moment in May, Massachusetts state Rep. Mike
Moran said he still supports "comprehensive" immigration reform
(taken to mean that restrictions on illegal immigrants be tempered
with a special "path to citizenship" for those already here). Rep.
Moran's car was rear-ended (though he was not seriously hurt) by
illegal immigrant Isaias Naranjo, who was charged with DUI and
speeding. According to police, Naranjo, 27, who was dressed in a
Mexican party costume, laughed when told of the charges,
informing officers that they could do nothing to him since he had
already made plans to return to Mexico. (Furthermore,
Massachusetts is forbidden by state law from even notifying U.S.
Immigration officials of Naranjo's case.) [WFXT-TV (Boston), 5-
31-10]
* Over the years, according to a June Chicago Sun-Times report,
U.S. Rep. Mark Kirk of Illinois has freely used "swagger and
braggadocio in talking about his 21 years of military service" as
qualification for office. When one contrary fact after another about
his record was pointed out by reporters, Kirk explained, "I simply
misremembered it wrong." He admitted that, contrary to his
numerous public statements, he was not actually "in" the Iraq Desert
Storm war; did not actually "command the Pentagon War Room"
when he was assigned there as a Navy Reservist; and was not
actually once Naval "Intelligence Officer of the Year." He is now
vying for the U.S. Senate seat once held by Barack Obama.
[Chicago Sun-Times, 6-4-10]
* In May, Douglas Ballard and Joseph Foster were indicted for
allegedly selling fraudulent loans, in exchange for bribes, while they
were vice presidents of the Atlanta-area "faith-based" Integrity
Bank. The bank opened in 2000, touting Christian principles,
giving Bibles to new customers, and encouraging prayer at
employee gatherings. (The bank closed in 2008, thought then
merely to be the victim of sour real-estate loans, and in fact the
bank's more-spiritual founder, Steven Skow, had left the bank by
2007.) [New York Times, 5-8-10]
Not My Fault
* (1) British actor Nicholas Williams, 33, was acquitted of domestic
assault in June even though he had, among other things,
"waterboarded" his girlfriend by pulling her shirt over her head and
holding her under a shower during a two-hour rampage. Williams
persuaded the judge that the anti-smoking drug Champix made him
unable to control himself or even to remember the events of that
evening. (2) Laith Sharma, 49, admitted in June that he had stalked
and fixated upon, "for marriage," a 14-year-old girl in Windsor,
Ontario, but doctors' testimony won him a sentence of mere house
arrest. Sharma, they said, suffers from the popularly-known "maple
syrup urine disease," so-called because the excreted scent is a
marker for brain damage that prevents impulse control. [Daily Mail
(London), 6-9-10] [Calgary Herald-Windsor Star, 6-19-10]
* Compelling Explanation: Tony Chrum was the one apprehended
for allegedly buying $160 worth of cocaine from a man who turned
out to be a police informant in Lincoln County, Mo., in May, but his
brother, who is Winfield, Mo., police officer Bud Chrum, 39, was
the mastermind. According to police and unknown to the
informant, Bud had needed to replace 2 grams of cocaine from the
police evidence locker because he had accidentally spilled
something on it, and Tony agreed to help. [Riverfront Times (St.
Louis), 5-25-10]
Our Litigious Society
* "If Google told you to jump off a cliff, would you?" asked a
Fortune magazine columnist, describing the lawsuit filed in May by
Lauren Rosenberg, asking for damages of more than $100,000
against Google Maps after she was struck by a car. Rosenberg had
queried the map service for a "walking route" between points in
Park City, Utah, but a short stretch of the suggested route lacked
sidewalks. Rosenberg was hit while walking in the street. Though
Google and other map services "warn" users against walking in the
street, Rosenberg's route was delivered on her small Blackberry
phone screen. [Fortune, 5-29-10]
What About Our "Human Rights"?
* Update: News of the Weird reported in 2005 on a Welshman's
invention of the "Mosquito," a device that emits an irritating,
pulsating, very-high-pitched noise and is marketed to shopkeepers
to drive away loitering children and teenagers, since the pitch is
audible to them but rarely to anyone older than in the mid-20s
(because audio range contracts as we age). In June, following an
investigation, the Council of Europe (which oversees the European
Court of Human Rights) declared the Mosquito a "human rights
violation," in that the sounds it emits constitute "torture." [The
Guardian, 6-19-10]
* Britain's Crown Prosecution Service announced a proposed anti-
social behavior order against Ellis Drummond, 18, to prohibit him
from wearing low-slung trousers in public that allow his underwear
to show, but Drummond challenged it in Bedford magistrates' court.
In May, Judge Nicholas Leigh-Smith ruled that such an underwear-
suppressing order would violate Drummond's "human rights."
[Agence France-Presse, 5-5-10]
Least Competent People
* Jihadists: They blow themselves up by mistake (such as Pakistani
terrorist Qari Zafar did in June); they botch airline shoe- and
underwear-bombing and buy the wrong fertilizer for urban car
bombs; they brag too much; and they watch far too much internet
pornography. Evidence amassed by Daniel Byman and Christine
Fair, writing in the July/August issue of The Atlantic, has led them
to suggest that America and its allies should treat jihadists as
"nitwits" rather than as "savvy and sophisticated killers" (the latter
being an image that helps them with recruiting). It is possible, the
authors conclude, that there has not been a truly competent jihadist
terrorist since Mohammad Atta led the September 11, 2001,
missions. [The Atlantic, July/August 2010]
* Matadors: Christian Hernandez, 21, making his big-time
bullfighting debut at Plaza Mexico in Mexico City in June, ran from
the ring trembling in fear at the first sign of his bull. He was then
coaxed to return and man-up, but once again fled and immediately
submitted his resignation. Though Hernandez was contrite ("I didn't
have the ability. I didn't have the balls."), he was arrested for
violating his contract and released only after he paid a small fine.
[Daily Telegraph (London), 6-15-10]
A News of the Weird Classic (March 2007)
* The West Tennessee Detention Facility (Mason, Tenn.) made a
video pitch for California inmates, hoping some would volunteer to
be outsourced under that state's program to relieve overcrowding.
The hard-timers should come East, the video urged, because of
West Tennessee's "larger and cleaner jail cells, 79 TV channels,
including ESPN, views of peaceful cow pastures, and . . . the 'Dorm
of the Week,' [with its inmates] staying up all night, watching a
movie and eating cheeseburgers or pizza," according to a March
[2007] description in Nashville's Tennessean. "You're not a
number here," said one inmate. "You come here, it's personalized."
(California's outsourcing program is facing a lawsuit from the
prison guards' union, anxious about job loss.) [The Tennessean, 3-
6-07]
Thanks This Week to Gerald Sacks, Craig Oakley, David
Gregory, Peter Smagorinsky, Ric Adams, Alan Chaikin, Bruce
Leiserowitz, and Peter Swank, and to the News of the Weird Board
of Editorial Advisors.
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