News of the Weird, July 17, 2011
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* On May 21st, Jesse Robinson either established or tied the
unofficial world record for unluckiest underage drinker of all time
when he was booked into the Hamilton County, Ohio, jail, for
underage consumption. According to booking records, Robinson's
date of birth is May 22, 1990. [HamiltonCountyJails.info, 5-23-
2011]
Government in Action!
* "Common sense lost its voice on this one," concluded a
Wethersfield, Conn., city councilman, lamenting the local school
board's having spent at least $630,000 to "resolve" an ethics
complaint against the board's chairwoman--all because her son had
improperly taken a $400 high school course for free. The town's
ethics board conducted more than 60 hours of hearings over 11
months, incurring $407,000 in legal expenses, and finally voted, 3-
2, to uphold the complaint. (However, the ethics board ordered only
that the chairwoman reimburse the $400; the school board then
voted to pay all her legal expenses.) [Hartford Courant, 6-10-2011]
* "Science does not trump the testimony of individuals," said
Detroit prosecutor Marilyn Eisenbraun, explaining her office's
decision in April to disregard DNA evidence that the University of
Michigan's Innocence Clinic said exonerates Karl Vinson, 56, who
has spent 25 years in prison for rape. Despite the science,
Eisenbraun said she had to stick with eyewitness identification by
the victim. Although Vinson has been eligible for release for 15
years, the Parole Board keeps turning him down--because he refuses
to acknowledge guilt. (Update: In July, the Michigan Court of
Appeals declined to order either Vinson's release or a new trial but
did grant him an extraordinary right to appeal, based on the new
evidence.) [Detroit Free Press, 4-18-2011, 7-2-2011]
* In June, as five young men gathered around the Mt. Tabor
Reservoir near Portland, Ore., one urinated in it, thus
"contaminating" the 7.2 million gallons that serve the city, and, said
Water Bureau administrator David Shaff, necessitating that the
entire supply be dumped. Under questioning by the weekly
Portland Mercury whether the water is also dumped when an animal
urinates in it (or worse, dies in it), Shaff replied, certainly not. "If
we did that, we'd be [dumping the water] all the time." Well, asked
the reporter, what's the difference? Because, said Shaff (sounding
confident of his logic), "Do you want to be drinking someone's
pee?" [Portland Mercury, 6-15-2011]
* A 53-year-old man committed suicide in May by wading into San
Francisco Bay, 150 yards offshore, and standing neck-deep until he
died in the 60-degree water, with police and firefighters from the
city of Alameda watching from shore the entire time. Said a police
lieutenant, "We're not trained to go into the water [and] don't have
the type of equipment that you would use . . .." KGO-TV attributed
the reluctance to budget cuts that prevented the city's firefighters
from being re-certified in water rescues. [KGO-TV, 5-30-2011]
* Title IX of the federal Civil Rights Act requires universities to
offer "equal" intercollegiate athletic access to females, even though
finding that many serious female athletes is difficult on some
campuses. The easiest subterfuge, according to an April New York
Times report, is to pad women's teams with whimsically enlisted
females--and in some cases, with males. Said former university
president (and Health and Human Services Secretary) Donna
Shalala, "Those of us in the business know that universities have
been end-running Title IX for a long time, and they do it until they
get caught." Sample dysfunctional result: When University of
South Florida added football (100 male players) a few years ago, it
was forced to populate more female teams, and thus "recruited" 71
women for its cross-country team, even though fewer than half ran
races and several were surprised to know they were even on the
team when a Times reporter inquired. [New York Times, 4-26-
2011]
Great Art!
* Britain's Ben Wilson is one artist with the entire field to himself--
the only painter who creates finely detailed masterpieces on
flattened pieces of chewing gum found on London sidewalks.
Frequently spotted lying nearly inert on the ground, working,
Wilson estimates he has painted "many thousands" of such
"canvases," ranging from portraits and landscapes to specialized
messages (such as listing the names of all employees at a soon-to-
be-closed Woolworth's store). According to a June New York
Times dispatch, Wilson initially heats each piece with a blowtorch,
applies lacquer and acrylic enamel before painting--and sealing with
more lacquer. And of course he works only with tiny, tiny brushes.
[New York Times, 6-14-2011]
Police Report
* Gregory Snelling, 41, was indicted in June for the robbery of a
KeyBank branch in Springfield, Ohio, which was notable more for
the foot chase with police afterward. They caught him, but Snelling
might deserve "style" points for the run, covered as he was in red
dye from the money bag and the fact that he was holding a beer in
his hand during the entire chase. [Springfield News-Sun, 6-15-
2011]
The Aristocrats!
* (1) Brent Kendall, 31, was arrested in June in Coralville, Iowa,
and charged with criminal mischief after he allegedly reacted to a
domestic quarrel with his live-in girlfriend by cutting up items of
her clothing and urinating on her bed and computer. (2) An
employee of Bed, Bath & Beyond at the St. Davids Square shopping
center in Radnor, Pa., reported to police on June 5th that, for the
second time in two weeks, he had come across a bag (estimated to
weigh about 35 pounds) behind the store, filled with human vomit.
[Iowa City Press-Citizen, 6-8-2011] [Radnor Patch, 6-20-2011]
Criminals With Chutzpah
* It was a 2004 gang-related murder that had frustrated Los Angeles
police for four years until a homicide investigator, paging through
gangbangers' photographs for another case, spotted an elaborate
tattoo on the chest of Anthony Garcia. Evidently, that 2004 killing
was such a milestone in Garcia's life that he had commemorated the
liquor store crime scene on his chest. The investigation was
reopened, eventually leading to a surreptitious confession by Garcia
and, in April 2011, to his conviction for first-degree murder.
(Photos from Garcia's several bookings between 2004 and 2008
show his mural actually evolving as he added details--until the
crime scene was complete enough that the investigator recognized
it.) [Los Angeles Times, 4-22-2011]
Least Competent Non-Criminals
* In May, in Rensselaer, N.Y., and in June, in Bluefield, W.Va., two
men, noticing that police were investigating nearby, became
alarmed and fled out of fear of being arrested since both were
certain that there were active warrants out on them. Nicholas
Volmer, 21, eventually "escaped" into the Hudson River and needed
to be rescued, but the police were after someone else, and no
warrant was on file against him. Arlis Dempsey Jr., 32, left his
three kids on the street in Bluefield to make a run for it before
police caught him, but he was not wanted for anything, either.
(Both men, however, face new charges--trespassing for Volmer, and
child endangerment for Dempsey.) [Times Union (Albany), 5-5-
2011] [Bluefield Daily Telegraph, 6-17-2011]
Recurring Themes
* (1) People sometimes have illicit sex in cemeteries, and when they
get really aggressive, tombstones may fall over on top of them. (A
randy 39-year-old woman was injured in Hamilton, N.J., in June
after a gravestone rolled onto her leg at the Ahavath Israel
Cemetery.) (2) Motorists who stop along the side of the road at
night to relieve themselves are often not careful enough. (In May, a
specialty unit from the Renton, Wash., Fire Department was
required in order to rescue a urinator who accidentally fell down a
30-foot embankment in south King County and was trapped for
several hours.) [Trenton Times, 6-2-2011] [Seattle Post-
Intelligencer, 5-30-2011]
A News of the Weird Classic (November 1992)
* A 38-year-old man, unidentified in news reports, was hospitalized
in Princeton, W. Va., in October [1992] with gunshot wounds. He
had been drinking beer and reported accidentally shooting himself
three times--as he attempted to clean each of his three guns. He said
the first shot didn't hurt, the second "stung a little," and the third
"really hurt," prompting him to call an ambulance. [Newsday-AP,
10-11-92]
Thanks This Week to Charles Smaistrla, Charla Claypool,
Emily Lehrer, Thom Brooks, Richard Renno, Ken Berkun, and
Wendy Feer, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial
Advisors.
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