News of the Weird, February 7, 2010
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* In January, U.S. Customs and Border Protection officers
confiscated a live, jeweled beetle that a woman was wearing as an
"accessory" on her sweater as she crossed into Brownsville, Tex.,
from Mexico. Blue jewels were glued onto the beetle's back,
which had been painted gold, and the nimble brooch was tethered
by a gold chain attached to a safety pin. Even though the woman
orally "declared" the animal, the beetle was confiscated because
she had not completed the bureau's PPQ Form 526, which is
necessary to bring insects into the country. Reportedly, such
jewelry is not that rare in Mexico. A spokesperson for People for
the Ethical Treatment of Animals was, of course, appalled.
[Brownsville Herald, 1-21-10; The Guardian (London), 1-22-10]
The Entrepreneurial Spirit
* Economic Recovery in Denver: As of early January, at least 390
new Denver businesses had applied for sales-tax licenses as
dispensaries for legal (medicinal) marijuana. By comparison,
Starbucks coffee shops number 208 in the entire state of Colorado.
Among the first cannabis-centered businesses to open, in
December, was the Ganja Gourmet on South Broadway, featuring
lasagna, pizza, jambalaya, paella, flavored cheesecakes, and other
delicacies, all "spiced" appropriately for customers with doctors'
prescriptions. [KMGH-TV (Denver), 1-5-10] [KCNC-TV
(Denver), 12-9-09]
* Jeweler Colin Burn, of Broome, Australia, announced in October
at the Asia Adult Expo in Macau that he will make the world's
most expensive "personal vibrator," in 10 limited editions, out of
smooth platinum, each with 1,500 white diamonds. He said he
planned to shoot for a price of $1 million (U.S.) and noted that he
currently offers a similar sex toy with only 450 diamonds (but with
a handle made of rare conkerberry wood) that he sells for $38,000.
[Forbes, 12-10-09]
* Professor Yevgeny Moskalev of Russia's St. Petersburg
Technological University announced in November that he had
perfected a somewhat-useful powdered version of Russia's favorite
drink (vodka). However, after much experimentation, he had
found that the only way to preserve the alcohol was by mixing the
liquid vodka into a special wax and letting it harden. According to
a November report in the English language version of Pravda, the
resulting shaved chips could then be flavored to counteract the
wax's insipidness, and might be used for cooking or medicine.
"Instant vodka" mix for straight drinking does not appear to be in
Prof. Moskalev's plans. [Pravda, 11-27-09]
* In 2008, Sweden, one of only seven countries with embassies in
North Korea, began trying to coax that country into the global
economy by encouraging the manufacture of jeans, which Sweden
in turn would arrange for sale in high-end stores. After a series of
awkward missteps (e.g., a textile manufacturer, unfamiliar with the
concept of "jeans," said no, but the director of a mining company
decided to accept the project), 1,100 pairs were finally shipped and
priced at the equivalent of about $215 a pair, according to a
December Reuters dispatch from Stockholm. (The "NoKo" jeans
were initially given shelf space in at least one store but now are
offered only on the store's website.) [Reuters. 12-1-09]
Leading Economic Indicators
* After the New York Post reported in December on the 175-
square-foot Manhattan apartment recently purchased by
Christopher Prokop and his wife (for $150,000, with $800 monthly
in maintenance fees), residents of even smaller Manhattan digs told
the Post they were unimpressed. For instance, Felice Cohen, 39,
rents a 90-square-foot apartment ($700) with a loft bed, but admits
that she must sit sideways on the toilet. Freelance event-planner
Eddie Rabon rents a 55-square-foot palace for $800 a month
(closer to midtown than Cohen's). He can almost touch both side
walls simultaneously and cannot easily turn around while
showering. Commented the residents, respectively: "We love it,"
"I love it," and "It's fantastic." [New York Post, 12-6-09, 12-13-
09]
* He's a man of distinction, but that is of little comfort in the tight
economy. Actor Jonah Falcon, 39, is out of work and living once
again with his parents in New York City, according to a January
report on AOL News. A 1999 HBO documentary touted Falcon as
possessor of the world's longest penis (13-1/2 inches, aroused). He
has appeared in mainstream film and TV roles (Law and Order,
Melrose Place, The Sopranos) but has refused to do pornography.
"If I did porn, nobody would take me seriously." However, he
added, "I wouldn't be opposed to doing a nude scene [in a
mainstream film] if I got the right part." [AOL News, 1-1-10]
* The recent Christmas bonus season was rough at the FR Brookes
pizza-ingredient factory in Wigston, England. Workers received
only gift containers of pudding ("plum duffs") with a use-by date of
March 2009 but accompanied by a letter from management
assuring them that food technicians had certified the product as
safe to eat in January 2010. (After numerous employee
complaints, the company apologized and offered fresh plum duffs.)
[Leicester Mercury, 12-24-09]
Slut Birds
* A team of researchers led by a University of Connecticut
professor, writing recently in the ornithology journal The Auk,
declared the local saltmarsh sparrow to be America's most
promiscuous bird, in that 95 percent of the females hook up with
more than one male during a mating season. The likelihood that
any two chicks in a nest had the same father was only 23 percent,
and in one-third of the nests, all chicks had different fathers. The
researchers hypothesized that the frequent flooding of
Connecticut's marshes destroys so many nests that non-choosy
females have gained evolutionary advantage. (A wren in Australia
and a parrot in Madagascar are said to be comparably
promiscuous.) [BBC News, 1-22-10]
Least Competent Deer
* A seven-point buck was found dead in Viroqua, Wis., in
November, apparently after losing a head-butting contest with a
cement-statue buck. Ramming contests are common during mating
season, and the cement buck was about the same size as the dead
one (but weighs about three times as much). [La Crosse Tribune,
11-10-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Two partners in crime were sentenced to four years in jail
between them by England's Manchester Crown Court in December.
Ali Abdullah, 28, and Muqtar Nuren, 22, had offered to take
driver's license tests for people (both driving test and written test)
but on contingency -- payment only for passing. Between them,
they had 35 clients, took 43 tests, and failed 33 (passing only seven
driving tests and three written). Although they did not charge for
their failures, it is of course illegal to take a driver's license test for
another person. [Lancashire Evening Post, 12-16-09]
* Recurring Themes: (1) Brandon Stepp, 27, and two companions
were arrested in Parkersburg, W.Va., in December after they
became the most recent alleged drug runners to hide their
marijuana unsuccessfully in their car's engine compartment. (The
engine got hot; the dope caught fire.) (2) A man fled without
money from a Taco Bell in Haverstraw, N.Y., in October after
being the most recent robber to conduct his transactions out of
order. He first announced the robbery, but before the cashier could
gather money for him, he asked the store manager for a job
application. When the manager refused, the man walked out,
empty-handed. [News & Sentinel (Parkersburg), 12-8-09] [Journal
News (White Plains, N.Y.), 10-27-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (January 1999)
* The French performance artist Orlan made News of the Weird in
1993 when she underwent surgery in a New York City art gallery
as part of a multiple-surgery transformation of her face according
to five icons of Renaissance and post-Renaissance beauty (at that
time, implanting small horns to simulate the bumpy forehead of
Mona Lisa). During a Chicago show in December 1998, Orlan
raised money for further operations by selling posters and videos of
her surgeries and digitally-enhanced portraits of her face
incorporating features that ancient Mayans had found attractive but
which are ugly in this society (huge noses, crossed-eyes). She also
sold souvenir tubes of her liposuctioned fat. [Chicago Tribune, 12-
4-98] .569
Thanks This Week to Larry Seltzer, Richard Hunding,
James Hoban, Peter Swank, Eugenia Schenecker, Hal Dunham,
and Jenny Morlan, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial
Advisors.
* * * * *
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