RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
re...@vax.oxford.ac.uk
RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
It is obvious that there are currently too many newsgroups. Some
sites carry upwards of 2000 groups, many of them with only a handful
of regular readers or posters. This is a grossly inefficient way
of disseminating information, some of it important and urgent, to
computer users around the world.
With the help and advice of several email correspondent, a radical
reorganization of Usenet is now proposed.
PROPOSAL
-------
Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
new groups: NET.A
NET.B
NET.C
...
NET.Z
Users will only be allowed to post to the group corresponding to
the first letter of their surname. However they will
be able to read any of the groups. All groups will be moderated,
but only to ensure that posts from users without the correct form
of surname are not permitted. Only 26 moderators will now have to
be found.
This reorganization will mean that information can be readily accessed
by scanning through the 26 groups, which will be a much easier task
than with the present, dispersed system. Users who post good material
will be easily recognized, and their posts will receive a much wider
audience. Crossposted flame-wars will be very difficult to continue,
and a consequent improvement in general net etiquette will be seen.
If a User posts to a group that he is not entitled to post to, on the
first offence he will be warned via email by the group moderator.
On second offence, his sysadmin will be contacted with a view to
revoking his net access.
In summary, this is a timely and logical reorganization of an, at
present, inefficient system which has the potential to be very
useful data exchange network. The reorganization will make
important information easier to locate and retrieve, and reduce
the number of pointless flame-wars which take up so many valuable
resources.
Please give this your consideration, and post your opinions for
discussion in the open forum.
Jason
Michael D. Maxfield
>
>RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
>
>It is obvious that there are currently too many newsgroups. Some
>sites carry upwards of 2000 groups, many of them with only a handful
What? Only 2000 groups? Uh Oh... me thinks this system is way out
of sync then.
>PROPOSAL
>-------
>
>Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>new groups: NET.A
> NET.B
> NET.C
> ...
> NET.Z
Bwaaaaaaaap, Your Talking Crazy!
>Users will only be allowed to post to the group corresponding to
>the first letter of their surname. However they will
No Sir, Don't like it at all!
>In summary, this is a timely and logical reorganization of an, at
>present, inefficient system which has the potential to be very
>useful data exchange network. The reorganization will make
>important information easier to locate and retrieve, and reduce
>the number of pointless flame-wars which take up so many valuable
>resources.
The only friggin way you will be able to kill the Usenet beast would
be to nuke the planet and start over from scratch... and even then the
cockroachs will still remember the way things were and strive to bring
back the old familiar Usenet.
>Please give this your consideration, and post your opinions for
>discussion in the open forum.
New proposal... Create 26 more newsgroups... neta to netz and patch
all newsposting software so that in addition to posting to the group
meant to be posted to, the post will also go to the net[x] group
representing the users surname. Sysadmins can then have a choice
of receiving their feeds via the full hierarchy, or just the net?
hierarchy.
Andrew Solovay
>
>It is obvious that there are currently too many newsgroups. Some
>sites carry upwards of 2000 groups, many of them with only a handful
>of regular readers or posters. This is a grossly inefficient way
>of disseminating information, some of it important and urgent, to
>computer users around the world.
>
>With the help and advice of several email correspondent, a radical
>reorganization of Usenet is now proposed.
>
>PROPOSAL
>-------
>
>Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>new groups: NET.A
> NET.B
> NET.C
> ...
> NET.Z
This is, in principle, a good idea. However, this is a bad time to
implement it, as Leader Kibo is about to replace the entire current
UseNet hierarchy with the new, improved HappyNet hierarchy.
Once HappyNet is in place, I urge you to go ahead with your proposal.
You should easily be able to get Leader Kibo to create megabozo.a
through megabozo.z, simply by paying the token fee of $1,400 per
group, or #36,400 total.
--
Andrew Solovay
"But that was in another country;
and besides, the wench is dead." ---Marlowe
Dave Archer
Uh-oh, looks like HappyNet's gonna have some competition!
---
Note: I do not represent my employer or school, & sometimes not even myself.
Dave Archer GCS/O d* p-- c++/c--- l++ m+/m++ s+/+ g+ w+/w- t r- x+
(dmar...@acsu.buffalo.edu) It don't mean a thing if it ain't got that swing.
Martin Venzky-stalling
Jason's proposal reads like absolute nonsense to me.
Please Jason, go back to the drawing board and think again
before making such proposal, they are unworkable and unwelcome!
Regards,
Martin Venzky-Stalling
bo...@cix.compulink.co.uk
Catherine Anne Foulston
Hahaha. Are you trying to make me choke on my diet Coke or what?
>the number of pointless flame-wars which take up so many valuable
>resources.
The best part -- no more group-naming and vote-validity flamewars!
Cathy
But I still think I'd rather have HappyNet.
--
Cathy Foulston + Rice University + Network & Systems Support + cat...@rice.edu
"You do not examine legislation in the light of the benefits it will convey if
properly administered, but in the light of the wrongs it would do and the harms
it would cause if improperly administered." -- Lyndon Johnson
Jeff Hakner
>
>
> RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
>
> It is obvious that there are currently too many newsgroups. Some
> sites carry upwards of 2000 groups, many of them with only a handful
> of regular readers or posters. This is a grossly inefficient way
> of disseminating information, some of it important and urgent, to
> computer users around the world.
>
> With the help and advice of several email correspondent, a radical
> reorganization of Usenet is now proposed.
>
> PROPOSAL
> -------
>
> Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
> new groups: NET.A
> NET.B
> NET.C
> ...
> NET.Z
>
> Users will only be allowed to post to the group corresponding to
> the first letter of their surname. However they will
That's funny, my watch says June 19, not April 1 :-)
dp
>Jason's proposal reads like absolute nonsense to me.
>Please Jason, go back to the drawing board and think again
>before making such proposal, they are unworkable and unwelcome!
>Regards,
>Martin Venzky-Stalling
You're kidding, right? It was friggin' _Brilliant_! Your post does
point out one flaw, though. What to do about hyphenated names? F'rinstance,
would ``Venzky-Stalling'' go in `netv' or `nets'? The only workable solution
would be to add new newsgroups in a cross-product of the alphabet arrangement:
`neta-a',`neta-b',...., `netz-y', and `netz-z', to cover all the possibilities.
This would yield a total of 702 newsgroups, however, most of which would be
very low-volume. Still, it's quite an improvement over circa 2K newsgroups,
with most of which being quite silly. (e.g. rec.arts.star-trek.ad-infinitum).
Just my few 2 cents worth that costs the net hundreds if not thousands of
dollars to send all over the world.
dan'l
.............................
``Puffing and globbering they drugged theyselves rampling or dancing with
wild abdomen, stubbing in wild postumes amongst themselves...''
John Lennon, _In_His_Own_Write_
--
_____________dan'l ==> (dp) ==> dpro...@titan.ucs.umass.edu________________
Gerry Swetsky
[ A lot of junk mercifully deleted ]
Is it April first again?
--
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Ben Coleman
>
> RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
>
> With the help and advice of several email correspondent, a radical
> reorganization of Usenet is now proposed.
Isn't this posted about 79 days late?
Ben
+---------------------------------------+---------------------------------+
| Ben Coleman NJ8J | "All that is not eternal is |
| AX.25: NJ8J@W4QO.#EAL.#ATL.GA.USA.NA | eternally irrelevant." |
| Internet: b...@nj8j.atl.ga.us | C. S. Lewis |
+-------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Ben Coleman
> The only friggin way you will be able to kill the Usenet beast would
> be to nuke the planet and start over from scratch... and even then the
> cockroachs will still remember the way things were and strive to bring
> back the old familiar Usenet.
It has, of course, been rumored that this has already happened once.
Edward Vielmetti
: But I still think I'd rather have HappyNet.
As soon as Leader Kibo issues the newgroup messages, we'll carry
HappyNet here.
--Ed
Ron Asbestos Dippold
>Jason's proposal reads like absolute nonsense to me.
It was crossposted to talk.bizarre...
I propose that only people selected by a committee of shaved weasels
be allowed to post.
--
The quote program is supported, in part, by user contributions
and by a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
Brad Templeton
net.0 to net.9 (and yes, the net software knows how to handle the 9th posting
to net.9, people found that out in comp.sys.6502 long ago)
Then perform a secret hash function on the user's name and the date, and
That is the group they can post to only on that day. It changes every day,
Which keeps posting volume down.
--
Brad Templeton, ClariNet Communications Corp. -- Sunnyvale, CA 408/296-0366
Mercenary Programmer
>Good proposal, but it could be made a lot simpler. Create 10 groups, from
>net.0 to net.9 (and yes, the net software knows how to handle the 9th posting
>to net.9, people found that out in comp.sys.6502 long ago)
>
>Then perform a secret hash function on the user's name and the date, and
>That is the group they can post to only on that day. It changes every day,
>Which keeps posting volume down.
Won't work.
I just post the same article to all ten newsgroups. The hashing
function HAS to return a value between 0 and 9, so one of the
postings will make it.
Basalat Ali Raja.
Tjames Madison
>Uh-oh, looks like HappyNet's gonna have some competition!
You miss the point; under HappyNet, *everything* will be Allowed...even this.
--
RoR tja...@netcom.com RoR
David Lesher
net.A
net.B
and so forth? Let's not be hexal-retentive.....
(Not sure WHAT to do with TOPS machines...)
--
A host is a host from coast to coast..wb8foz@skybridge.scl.cwru.edu
& no one will talk to a host that's close............(301) 56-LINUX
Unless the host (that isn't close).........................pob 1433
is busy, hung or dead....................................20915-1433
James Alexander Chokey
This posting was _obviously_ a joke-- note the talk.bizarre
cross-posting. Fortunately, nobody seems to be taking it seriously.
-- Jim C. <jch...@leland.stanford.edu>
Dave Polewka
e...@garnet.msen.com (Edward Vielmetti) says:
>-Ed
Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy -- anagrams
*****************************************************
1. Uh, create eight or nine zany refs, Horatio!
2. FYI, create one interesting, uh, zoo. Har, har!
3. Hi! Hear! Create one net.zoo.ai.furry-things!
*****************************************************
--
=======================
"Endeavor to persevere"
=======================
Dave Polewka
jch...@leland.Stanford.EDU (James Alexander Chokey) says:
> This posting was _obviously_ a joke-- note the talk.bizarre
>cross-posting. Fortunately, nobody seems to be taking it seriously.
James Alexander Chokey -- anagram
*******************************
Chase yer damn joke, Alex!
Michael Bryan
>tw...@netcom.com (Michael D. Maxfield) writes:
>
>> The only friggin way you will be able to kill the Usenet beast would
>> be to nuke the planet and start over from scratch... and even then the
>> cockroachs will still remember the way things were and strive to bring
>> back the old familiar Usenet.
>
>It has, of course, been rumored that this has already happened once.
As one of my water-living friends said to me some time ago, "So long,
and thanks for all the fish."
--
Michael Bryan mic...@resonex.com +1 510 249 9600 Ext 325
Resonex, Inc. ____ ____
47911 Westinghouse Dr. \ / \ /
Fremont, CA 94539 \/ Hate is not a family value. \/
Michael Bryan
>In article <1993Jun20....@clarinet.com> br...@clarinet.com (Brad Templeton) writes:
>>Good proposal, but it could be made a lot simpler. Create 10 groups, from
>>net.0 to net.9
>>
>>That is the group they can post to only on that day. It changes every day,
>>Which keeps posting volume down.
>
>Won't work.
>
>I just post the same article to all ten newsgroups. The hashing
>function HAS to return a value between 0 and 9, so one of the
>postings will make it.
But under the new scheme, crossposting to a group for which you don't
have posting access should result in the entire article being kicked
back, rather than just allowing the one that *is* valid for you. That
way, you'd have to guess, and possibly post up to ten times, averaging
out to about five attempts per posting.
Than again, someone would undoubtedly write some illegal posting software
which would see to this automatically. Perhaps the hashing function could
be also tied into the posting software to only accept messages from valid,
state-approved software, and this software could even have a feature wherein
a person's third attempt to post to a locked-out newsgroup would result
in all posting ability being halted for 24 hours.
Then I think we'll have something!
Dan Zirin
> RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
>
>
> PROPOSAL
> -------
> Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>
> Jason
Damn nice to get a chuckle from silly people like Jason! Usenet is so
humorless these days...
Love and kisses...
The Great Zar
John Henders
>...Perhaps the hashing function could
>be also tied into the posting software to only accept messages from valid,
>state-approved software, and this software could even have a feature wherein
>a person's third attempt to post to a locked-out newsgroup would result
>in all posting ability being halted for 24 hours.
In fact the state approved software could have the header
required for posting divided into 2 parts, kept by separate escrow
agencies. In order to post, the poster would have to apply to both
agencies for the header sections, and have them cat'ed together by a
third agency, which would also approve the posting.
--
John Henders GO/MU/E d* -p+ c+++ l++ t- m* s/++ g+ w+++ -x+
Mercenary Programmer
>But under the new scheme, crossposting to a group for which you don't
>have posting access should result in the entire article being kicked
>back, rather than just allowing the one that *is* valid for you. That
>way, you'd have to guess, and possibly post up to ten times, averaging
>out to about five attempts per posting.
But why do I have to crosspost the article? Why can't I simply
write a script to post the same article ten times?
>Than again, someone would undoubtedly write some illegal posting software
>which would see to this automatically.
Exactly!
>Perhaps the hashing function could
>be also tied into the posting software to only accept messages from valid,
>state-approved software, and this software could even have a feature wherein
>a person's third attempt to post to a locked-out newsgroup would result
>in all posting ability being halted for 24 hours.
>
>Then I think we'll have something!
Yes.. Maybe the hashing function should have a key that is approved
by the NSA for every poster. People should only be able to post from
sites that are approved by the NSA and everyone should have a key;
preferably tattoed into one's index finger, or something like that.
Trying to post an article from a site that is not pre-approved should
result in instant electrocution.
The assertion that this is bad for the industry is patently false.
Consider this - the keyboard manufacturers will have to provide keys
on the keyboard that would be able to carry enough wattage to
electrocute the normal human being; furthermore, power sources for
computers will have to be made extra heavy duty. Research can proceed
as to better and more humane ways to electrocute miscreants; after all
this would hurt us more than it would hurt them. Since the NSA is
100% trustworthy and we can always depend on them to not abuse their
powers this shouldn't present any problems whatsoever. It's good for
you. Trust them. They know what they are doing.
Kennelmeister
>
> RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
>
Only someone in talk.bizarre would comme up with something like
this.
Makes me glad I set my system up so that people can't crosspost out
of that group....... :-)
--
Alan Brown
dog...@dogbox.acme.gen.nz
khock...@vaxc.stevens-tech.edu
Mark Delany
>RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
>It is obvious that there are currently too many newsgroups. Some
>sites carry upwards of 2000 groups, many of them with only a handful
>of regular readers or posters. This is a grossly inefficient way
>of disseminating information, some of it important and urgent, to
>computer users around the world.
>With the help and advice of several email correspondent, a radical
>reorganization of Usenet is now proposed.
>PROPOSAL
>-------
>Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>new groups: NET.A
> NET.B
> NET.C
> ...
> NET.Z
>Users will only be allowed to post to the group corresponding to
>the first letter of their surname.
This is an especially nice touch as many student accounts begin with a
number. I presume the implied exclusion is part of the grand plan ;>
--
Mark Delany ma...@bushwire.apana.org.au
Ben Coleman
>
>
> This posting was _obviously_ a joke-- note the talk.bizarre
> cross-posting. Fortunately, nobody seems to be taking it seriously.
Yeah, but it's timely - with the SRIA brouhaha going on, we needed some
comic relief!
Jason D Corley
(This has been a Pierce-O-Matic posting.)
--
****************************************************************************
"The trouble with radicals is that they read only radical literature and the
trouble with conservatives is that they don't read anything."-Thomas Carter
Jason D. "cor...@gas.uug.arizona.edu" Corley is a walking disclaimer.
James Kibo Parry
>
> RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
> With the help and advice of several email correspondent, a radical
> reorganization of Usenet is now proposed.
>
> PROPOSAL
> -------
> Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
> new groups: NET.A
> NET.B
> NET.C
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that would REALLY work. It is a completely
pinheaded solution, NOT UNLIKE MY BRILLIANT METHOD FOR PRESERVING THE
ENTROPY OF THE NET!!!!
A copy of the second edition of the manifesto's draft is included below.
NO NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT!
-- K.
Newsgroups: news.admin,news.groups,alt.config,comp.org.eff.talk,alt.religion.kibology,alt.politics.kibo,alt.sex
From: ki...@world.std.com (Leader Kibo)
Subject: IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: THE FUTURE OF THE NET.
Message-ID: <C4sFz...@world.std.com>
Summary: We've saved a place for you in the New Order!
Organization: HappyNet World Standardization Committee
Date: Thu, 1 Apr 1993 04:47:24 GMT
Lines: 346
P R O C L A M A T I O N & M A N I F E S T O
***********************************************
WHEREAS, the computer network named USENET has insurmountable flaws:
=> It is cluttered with thousands of disorganized groups.
=> It is difficult to use due to the various software interfaces.
=> It is infected with viruses, especially in the .signatures.
=> There is no formal rulebook and no official administration.
=> Power-crazed maniacs frequently try to manipulate it at their whim.
These problems are most important. THEREFORE, in an official and secret
democratic vote, Kibo has been duly elected LEADER OF THE NET. To correct
this heinous situation, LEADER KIBO has decided to take bold measures,
a brave new initiative, detailed herein.
PHASE ONE. GLOBAL RMGROUPS FOR ALL USENET GROUPS WILL BE
ISSUED ON 4/15/93, 06:00 GMT.
A Day Without Usenet shall pass, and it will be a time of rest for
government employees. Many will discover life, or at least television.
Desperate soc.singles readers will have nervous breakdowns. The world
will rotate a full three hundred sixty degrees just the same.
Every Usenet groups, and all its associated problems, will have been
wiped off the face of the Earth forever by the might of the rmgroup.
Of course, to prevent any power-crazed maniacs from putting the
groups back, the newsgroup `control' will be rmgrouped. Thus, the
situation will be permanent.
PHASE TWO. NEWGROUPS FOR THE GROUPS IN THE NEW HIERARCHY WILL
BE ISSUED ON 4/16/93, 06:00 GMT.
The new network shall be named HAPPYNET, as it will be a Better Place.
Usenet is dead. Long live HappyNet!
********* HAPPYNET: THE NET THAT'S HAPPIER THAN YOU! *********
UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE ALL-WISE LEADER KIBO,
THE NEW NETWORK SHALL BE ORGANIZED THUSLY:
Three hierarchies encompassing ALL HUMAN DISCOURSE.
=> nonbozo.*
=> bozo.*
=> megabozo.*
Existing groups will be moved into the new organization scheme, resulting
in nonbozo.news.announce.newusers, bozo.rec.pets, megabozo.talk.bizarre,
nonbozo.comp.virus, bozo.alt.sex, megabozo.alt.fan.lemurs, bozo.postmodern,
etc., as determined by scientific measurements of the bozosity of the
groups, measured by Leader Kibo's Council On Scientific Bozosity and the
faculty of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute (Troy, NY), world leaders in
bozosity assessment.
It is estimated that the breakdown will be thus:
1.0000% nonbozo.*
90.0000% bozo.*
9.0000% megabozo.* (Computations courtesy of Bell Labs)
Bozo.* will, of course, be subdivided logically: bozo.nerd.*, bozo.tv.*,
bozo.inane.*, bozo.boring.*, bozo.sex.*, bozo.argue.*.
New groups will also be added for MAXIMUM ENJOYMENT. The network would
be a very unfair place if only Leader Kibo were allowed to propose new
groups. Instead, because Leader Kibo is benevolent and omnisagaciously
father-like, he will create WHATEVER GROUP YOU WANT (even, say,
megabozo.kibo.is.a.blenny!) provided that (a) you follow the Official
Procedure, filing all six copies of your request in triplicate and then
making four carbons of each, and (b) you pay Leader Kibo $160 for each
letter in the new group's name, and $720 for each period.
Of course, thanks to Leader Kibo's awesome foresight, new groups will
probably not be needed. A simple computer program will generate all
groupnames from *.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa.aaaaa to *.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.zzzzz.
This will encompass ALL possibilities in a COMPLETELY LOGICAL FASHION,
maximally efficient yet FUN!
This will also cut down on those annoying egomaniacal posters who try to
post the same article to EVERY group, because it will become physically
impossible to post to ALL groups within a MORTAL LIFETIME!
But wait, there's more--over six billion groups MORE will be added at
HappyNet's inception--free of charge!
********* HAPPYNET: EVERYONE IS EQUALLY EQUAL! *********
To promote EQUALITY and POLITICAL CORRECTNESS (the good kind), Leader
Kibo has decided to correct the inequality of the distribution of
"personal" groups. Some people, or groups of people, currently are
popular enough to have groups named in their honor: alt.weemba,
alt.fan.john-palmer, alt.fan.monty-python, alt.fan.dave-barry,
alt.fan.mike-jittlov, alt.fan.naked-guy, alt.religion.kibology,
alt.fan.alok-vijayvargia, alt.fan.harry-mandel. Because everyone is
equal before the eyes of wise Leader Kibo, it was decided that EVERYONE
WILL HAVE THEIR OWN GROUP on HappyNet. This will celebrate the
global diversity of our users, demonstrating for once and for all
that they are all unique, but unique in exactly the same way!
A scientific questionnaire developed specifically for the purpose will be
mailed to everyone on the planet. It will read:
Dear Citizen Of The New Network,
You are being given your own HappyNet group. Its placement
will depend on your answer to this simple question.
ARE YOU A BOZO? (CHECK EXACTLY ONE) [] YES [] NO
I care,
Leader Kibo
People who answer "yes" will be given groups in bozo.personal.*, and
people who answer "no" will be given groups in megabozo.personal.*.
People who refuse to answer, or show contempt for the process, will be
taken (by the Network Security Patrol) to the Citadel Of Judgment to
appear before the Council Of Bozosity, who will examine the person and
assign them either bozo.weenie.* or megabozo.weenie.*.
Of course, this would be POINTLESS if anyone in the world were DENIED
ACCESS to HappyNet.
********* HAPPYNET: A NET IN EVERY POT! *********
Net access will be provided to EVERY SINGLE PERSON, LIVING, UNBORN, OR
DEAD, thanks to the new TELESCREENS which will be installed in every room
of every building on the planet. Not only will this encourage higher net
communications volume, it will also help Leader Kibo be a good leader, as
it will allow Leader Kibo to instantly broadcast to all his subjects, and
to see how they are feeling and what they are doing.
But simple TELESCREENS in LIVING ROOMS, BEDROOMS, and BATHROOMS are
not enough to ensure FREEDOM and EQUALITY. Neural transceivers will
be implanted, FREE, at BIRTH in all newborns, allowing them to "jack in"
to HappyNet, transmitting articles, sounds, and even GIF files at
the speed of thought! They won't even have to worry about spelling--
they'll just THINK and their EVERY THOUGHT will be broadcast into
EVERYONE ELSE'S HEADS!
And because Leader Kibo CARES and values YOUR opinion, this will even
allow Leader Kibo to know what his subjects are THINKING, thanks to the
heroic actions of the NETWORK SECURITY PATROL FORCE.
********* HAPPYNET: WE KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING *********
The Network Security Patrol Force, or NSPF, will be composed of volunteer
system administrators who wish to enforce the continued accuracy,
relevance, and acceptability of HappyNet postings. They will monitor,
censor, and cancel bad postings, made by EVIL SUBVERSIVES who attempt to
DEPRIVE you of your HAPPINESS. These SUPPRESSIVE PERSONS will be
hunted down and suppressed!
NSPF officers have really spiffy uniforms, especially the shiny gas masks,
well-balanced batons, six-inch-thick shoulder pads and twelve-inch cleats.
And, of course, they will punish evildoers, night or day. HappyNet
never sleeps.
********* HAPPYNET: ACCURACY IS EVERYTHING ON HAPPYNET! *********
Here are examples of infractions against the unwritten rules of HappyNet,
and the punishments the NSPF will bring against the villains.
.signature longer than four lines: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
baud.
.signature has giant ASCII graphic: Forced to read "War And Peace" at 110
baud on a Braille terminal after having fingers rubbed with sandpaper.
Posting an article consisting solely of "Me too!": Poster's legal name is
officially changed to "Me Too".
Calling a newsgroup a "bboard" or "notesfile": Forced to memorize
Webster's Ninth.
Spelling "too" as "to", "it's" as "its", "lose" as "loose", "you're"
as "your", or any of the following--"wierd", "Anti-Semetic", "senerio",
or "masterbation": Forced to write out Webster's Ninth ten times.
Asking what ":-)" means: Drawing, quartering, and turning sideways.
Sending a newgroup message without permission of Leader Kibo: Poster is
forced to adopt twelve wacky sitcom children.
Posting flames outside of a *.flame group: Poster is allowed to read only
groups about fluffy puppies.
Posting "Please send e-mail, since I don't read this group": Poster is
rendered illiterate by a simple trepanation.
*Plonk*ing outside talk.bizarre: Poster is *plonked*--LITERALLY.
Asking for people to send cards to Craig Shergold: Poster must answer all
of Craig's mail.
Posting to aus.* from the USA: Poster is deported to Australia after having
a "Kick Me" sign glued to their forehead.
Posting an article with a malformed address so that mail bounces when
people reply: Poster and/or their admin are sent back to kindergarten.
Spelling name in huge script letters: Poster is forced to tattoo HappyNet
slogans on their body in huge script letters.
Excess CAPITALIZATION & PUNCTUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!: Poster is issued a new
keyboard without capitals or punctuation. The space bar will be clearly
labelled.
*Excess*asterisks*in*.signature*: Poster is hit with one shuriken for
each asterisk.
Articles quoted in followup, but no new semantic content appended: Poster
is forced to watch a "Small Wonder" marathon on cable TV.
Advertising on the net: Poster is forced to pay Leader Kibo for the
advertising time.
Asking help for some program but not saying what sort of computer you're
using: Poster's computer is reduced to 1K RAM.
Arguing over whose computer is better: Being introduced to Leader Kibo,
whose custom Turbissimo MoNDO Zeugma 6866688786/XA/sxe/IV computer is far
better than theirs and will make them cry in humiliation.
Giving away the secret of "The Crying Game": No punishment.
Referring to the NSPF as "The Thought Police": Execution.
Humor impairment: Execution.
Saying "Imminent death of the net predicted!": Imminent execution of
poster predicted.
Mentioning Star Trek outside of the Star Trek groups: "Star Trek: The
Next Generation" is cancelled, and all tapes of the original series are
burned.
There are other helpful rules and regulations, but they are double secret.
Of course, various branches of the NSPF will specialize in various
enforcements: the Spelling Squad, the Grammar Goons, the Definition
Draconians, the Typo Tyrants, the Capitalization Captains, the Pedantic
Patriots, the Cross-Post Crushers, the Cascade Commandos, and
the .signature .specialforce. There will even be a special detail to
track down, and burn, copies of the Green Golfball Joke.
********* HAPPYNET: MODERATION IN ALL THINGS! *********
The concept of moderated groups will be retained for a few groups,
with minor changes.
Alt.flame (renamed megabozo.alt.flame) will be moderated by Dave Lawrence,
as his news.announce.newgroups duties have been assumed by Leader Kibo.
Dick Depew will be assigned the task of making up an imaginative
Message-ID for every article in the world. (He will also unleash random
daemons onto the net to destroy the unpleasant signal to noise ratio
completely.)
A program that determines how funny an article is by measuring the
frequency of the "k" sound (an elementary comedic principle discovered in
Kukamonga, Arkansas) will replace rec.humor.funny moderator Maddi Hausmann,
allowing her to devote full time to assisting Brad Templeton's
nonbozo.clarinet.* duties.
Serdar Argic will be the official underliner of HappyNet. Every time
the word "turkey" is mentioned, he will post a followup underlining and
circling it. This will be a tremendous help to people looking for
low-fat recipes.
Iain Sinclair will ensure that the link between Australia and the rest of
the world is down on a regular schedule, instead of an irregular one.
And, of course, a world-class anonymous-posting server will be
established. Not only will it remove your name from your postings (so
that you don't have to worry about defending your opinions) but it will
also eliminate the opinions themselves. Thus, don't be surprised to see
a lot of anonymous postings in bozo.alt.sex.stories saying simply "I
have no opinion on homosexuality." HappyNet will help us all to get
along, even the people with no name.
But what about those disclaimers that state that your opinion is not
that of IBM, McDonalds, MIT, Scientology, etc.?
Disclaimers are NOT required on articles, therefore you MUST include
the following:
DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER IS NOT REQUIRED BY LEADER KIBO.
THIS ARTICLE DOES NOT NECESSARILY REPRESENT THE OPINIONS OF LEADER KIBO.
HAVE A NICE DAY!
Also, for your protection, Leader Kibo has filed a copyright claim on
HappyNet. Thus, any postings without a copyright notice become the
intellectual property of Kibo. This will keep random people from exploiting
your ideas, because they won't be your ideas any more! It's that simple.
******** HAPPYNET: A BLAST TO LIGHT OUR GLOWING FUTURE! ********
HappyNet as currently implemented is just one communications medium.
But this will blast our way into the foundation of the future:
Eventually, HappyNet will be expanded to replace the other
`conventional' media, such as newspapers, television, radio, standup
comedy, and sex. .signatures will be sixty-second commercials. Alt.sex
(bozo.alt.sex) will be interactive and finally worth reading.
A PBS series, "Great RFCs, Past and Present" will be filmed to replace
the boring old text RFCs. A Fox series, hosted by Dr. Ruth Westheimer,
will replace "Emily Postnews".
The Sony Walkman will become obsolete thanks to the Sony rnman. The
instructions will be on a separate device, the Sony manman.
Once everyone in the world is hooked into the giant HappyNet neural
network and their brains merge into one gigantic community of mind
(with an IQ well over THREE HUNDRED!), local events will be instantly
communicated everywhere in the world. For example, people in Sri Lanka
will be able to INSTANTLY receive dozens of "Hey, we're having a minor
earthquake here in San Francisco RIGHT NOW!" postings INSTANTLY, instead
of having to wait weeks. Rumors of such important events as DeForest
Kelley's death will also propagate instantly, but this is not really
a drawback: it enables the NSPF to detect them and snuff them out faster!
HappyNet is an important part of this well-balanced future. In fact,
it is the ONLY part. Without HappyNet, there could be no future.
Usenet paves the road to misery and ruin with its cascades, cross-posts,
flame wars, forgeries, and .signature viruses. HappyNet does not pave
this road--where it's going, we don't NEED roads! HappyNet bravely
journeys into an unknown, but not unpleasant future. Everyone WILL
be happy, happier than human beings can possibly be.
Although it will take HappyNet months, maybe years, to improve all
areas of daily existence in all possible ways, it will be obvious to
the most casual reader that HappyNet is better than Usenet.
********* HAPPYNET: YOU CONTROL HOW IT CONTROLS YOU *********
-- Leader Kibo
Idle Raffish Hippy Grocer
writes:
[Reese said:]
> >Users will only be allowed to post to the group corresponding to
> >the first letter of their surname.
> This is an especially nice touch as many student accounts begin with a
> number. I presume the implied exclusion is part of the grand plan ;>
Not many students *surnames* do though, unless things have changed and
I've not been told... ``Yes, Mr 0, we are pleased to have you on this
course.''
pihl
Philip Daniels
>Jason's proposal reads like absolute nonsense to me.
>before making such proposal, they are unworkable and unwelcome!
I think you'll find he was taking the piss. At least I _hope_ he was!
--
- Phil. (p...@doc.ic.ac.uk)
Brain failure (cerebral coretex dumped)
Christopher M. Conway
Actually, we should have all newsreaders automatically create a newsgroup
net.your-login-name.sequence, where your-login-name is obvious, and sequence
is defined by a central server maintained by the NSA ("Of COURSE you can
trust us! Our charter REQUIRES that we put you under surveillance) to handle
the inevitable conflicts. One will be able to read any group, but may only
post to one's own group. This has the advantage that it is patently easy
to COMPLETELY IGNORE the net.flaming.assholes!
--
In no way should any statement, question, or other transferral of
information in this post be construed in any way as being an
official communication of Digital Equipment Corporation.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christopher M. Conway | U*ix and C Guru
wom...@nfinit.enet.dec.com | Legalize Freedom!
wom...@juliet.ll.mit.edu | Resist the Tyrants in Washington, D.C.!
nfinit::wombat (DECnet internal)| "We must all hang together or, most
P.O. Box 92703 | assuredly, we will all hang separately"
Albuquerque, NM 87199 | (505)761-2413 DTN 552-2413
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyone sending email to the me implicitly releases said email for whatever
use I choose, including, but not necessarily limited to, posting publicly.
If you do not accept these terms, do not send me email. These terms do not
apply to email the sole purpose of which is discussion of these terms, or
to messages sent to mailing lists to which I have requested a subscription.
Wrolf Courtney
I thought Zero finished school a while ago. Maybe we are talking about a
different Zero?
Wrolf :-)
--
Wrolf Courtney First Boston Corporation My employer thinks
(212) 322-7017 Park Avenue Plaza I'm crazy.
uunet!csfb1!wrolf New York, NY 10055
Wrolf Courtney
Translation for non-English speakers (especially the U.S. variety):
Taking the piss out off (transitive verb phrase); also taking the Mickey;
extracting the Michael (unusual): To lampoon, mock, or satirise.
That's satirise with an 's', not a "zee".
:-) for the humour impaired. >:-| for retroactive moderation.
Wrolf
P.S. How is Imperial doing?
Michael
Kenny Paul
>
>
>Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>new groups: NET.A
> NET.B
> NET.C
> NET.Z
>
And under the hat of little NET.Z is something called VOOM...
__Lizzard. "So what is this voom? I do not know yet,
But you can believe me, it will clean up Usenet."
Damon
>In article <1993Jun19.1...@vax.oxford.ac.uk> re...@vax.oxford.ac.uk writes:
>>
>>RFD: Reorganization of the Usenet hierarchy
>
>
> Is it April first again?
Frequently, thankfully (and adverbially).
Damon
--
Damon Hart-Davis d...@hd.org London UK
Tel/Fax: +44 81 755 0077 [1.43]
Europe-wide public-access USENET&email
Cheap Suns in...@exnet.com
Roy M. Silvernail
> In <1993Jun19.1...@vax.oxford.ac.uk> re...@vax.oxford.ac.uk writes:
>
>>Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>>new groups: NET.A
>> NET.B
>> NET.C
>> ...
>> NET.Z
>
>>Users will only be allowed to post to the group corresponding to
>>the first letter of their surname.
>
> This is an especially nice touch as many student accounts begin with a
> number. I presume the implied exclusion is part of the grand plan ;>
Ah, Mark... we can't slip anything past you, can we?
--
Roy M. Silvernail -- r...@sendai.cybrspc.mn.org
"I'm a family man, model citizen."
-- Warren Zevon
Technically Sweet
an entire article with their stinking pus-like one-line followup.
--
Lance Norskog
thi...@netcom.com
Data is not information is not knowledge is not wisdom.
Spiros Triantafyllopoulos
>In article <1993Jun19.1...@vax.oxford.ac.uk> re...@vax.oxford.ac.uk writes:
>Hahaha. Are you trying to make me choke on my diet Coke or what?
>
>>the number of pointless flame-wars which take up so many valuable
>>resources.
>
>The best part -- no more group-naming and vote-validity flamewars!
NOOOOO!
All of these ethnics on Usenet-2 will DEMAND creation of newsgroups
for all the ethnic characters not present in the 26... Greeks, for example,
will go out of their way to create:
net.gamma
net.psi
: : :
(Yer' damn right we'll create them. We have the vote-power :-))
Spiros
--
Spiros Triantafyllopoulos c2...@kocrsv01.delcoelect.com
Software Technology, Delco Electronics (317) 451-0815
GM Hughes Electronics, Kokomo, IN 46904 [A Different Kind of Disclaimer]
Ian Phillipps
>In article <C8wEu...@rice.edu> cat...@is.rice.edu (Catherine Anne Foulston) writes:
>>In article <1993Jun19.1...@vax.oxford.ac.uk> re...@vax.oxford.ac.uk writes:
>>The best part -- no more group-naming and vote-validity flamewars!
>All of these ethnics on Usenet-2 will DEMAND creation of newsgroups
>for all the ethnic characters not present in the 26.
No-one has mentioned the Chinese, of course. It's a little-known fact
that there's a Chinese character whose transliteration is
alt.depew.aarm.aarm.aarm.aarm.aarm.aarm.aarm.aarm
Ian
--
Ian Phillipps, Unipalm Ltd, 216 Science Park, Phone +44 223 250100
Milton Road, Cambridge, CB4 4WA, England. Phax +44 223 250101
PIPEX Ltd. is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Unipalm Ltd. - phone 0223 250120
L. Todd Masco
>-------
>
>Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>new groups: NET.A
> NET.B
> NET.C
> ...
> NET.Z
I further suggest the subgroups:
NET.A.A For people with names beginning with "A" responding to
articles posted by people with named beginning with "A"
NET.A.B ....................................."B"..................."A"
...
NET.Z.Z ......................................"Z"..................."Z"
Thus, we "M" people won't have to deal with those damned "S" responses,
but will still be able to see original articles by "S" people.
--
Todd Masco | SysAdmin |"Free speech is the right to
cac...@clinton.com | Clinton Group, Inc. | shout 'theatre' in a crowded fire."
Jason D Corley
Dave Polewka
In a previous article, p...@comlab.ox.ac.uk (Idle Raffish Hippy Grocer) says:
^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
>Not many students *surnames* do though, unless things have changed and
>I've not been told... ``Yes, Mr 0, we are pleased to have you on this
>course.''
>
>pihl
Idle Raffish Hippy Grocer -- anagram
***************************************
Philip Geoffrey Richards
***************************************
Richard Langston x247
>re...@vax.oxford.ac.uk sez:
>>Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>>new groups: NET.A
>> NET.B
>> NET.C
Hey, we can't do this. We'll have to find a new name for
NET.Z, or else we'll get sue'd by AT&T for copyright infringement
on "compress." Besides, all those automated porno gif downloaders
will get intensely confused! Maybe it's ok w/gnu if we call it
"NET.z"?
--
Richard Langston (lang...@isi.com) (w) 408 980 1500 (h) 415 966 8805
"Life my be sweeter for this, I don't know. Seems like it might be alright.."
Andre Skarzynski
: on "compress." Besides, all those automated porno gif downloaders
: "NET.z"?
Nope, "xxx.z" is a packed file. Gnu uses "xxx.gz" now.
Besides, hasn't this thread gone on for far to long?
--
Andre B. Skarzynski -- Information Technology, University of Stellenbosch --
a...@itu1.sun.ac.za ------ Tel: +27 2231 774293 Fax: +27 2231 774102 -------
Nancy Lebovitz
>
> A lot of junk mercifully deleted
>
> Is it April first again?
Yes--in order to celebrate the coming millenium, there are two April 1st's
this year. The number of April 1st's per year will increase until 2000
will be _all_ April 1st's.
--
Nancy Lebovitz calligraphic button catalogue available by email (170K)
na...@genie.slhs.udel.edu
Murali
>> PROPOSAL
>> -------
>> Eliminate all current newsgroups, to be replaced with twenty-six (26)
>> new groups: NET.A
>> NET.B
>> NET.C
>Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like that would REALLY work. It is a completely
>pinheaded solution, NOT UNLIKE MY BRILLIANT METHOD FOR PRESERVING THE
>ENTROPY OF THE NET!!!!
Hey! Hey! I happen to know several pinheads, and I assure
you that they are all fully functioning members of society!
Murali
--
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