What now? (Depressed ramblings)
Jon Corbet
I would like to tell a story.
Several years ago, I met a woman by the name of Becky. She was in my first
programming class at CU. There came a time when we had a large assignment
due, I had it mostly done but was out of "money" (This was a CDC 6400,
doing Pascal on punched cards. Never again!). She had plenty of money,
but had not even begun to think about the assignment. Thus was a promising
partnership started.
Over the next three years, we became close friends, and took several classes
together. We survived William Waite's assembly class, (on the CDC 6400,
but with a 300 baud DECwriter terminal this time -- we thought we were
lucky), and even had a good time doing it. About that time my schizophrenic
SO went completely nuts (the ending of that relationship included police
intervention). Becky helped me through the resulting trauma. When my
lease ran out a little later, and she had a room available in her house,
I moved in as her roommate.
Over the next three years we build a friendship that made all of my previous
relationships look like one night stands. We came to love each other very
much, even though we continued to sleep separately. We spent our vacations
together, we played games, saw movies, and essentially did everything together.
We began to live very much as if we were married, except that we never slept
together, which was funny because we had been known to do that occasionally
before living together. Our social lives contracted to include very little
except each other.
Our closeness came out in many ways. Christmas presents arrived addressed
to "Jon and Becky." We accumulated at least $1000 worth of common property.
We decided that we would go into business together, and form an independant
company. We moved into an isolated house way the hell up in the mountains.
A while back, Becky came to the (quite justified) opinion that she needed
a new job. She searched in Boulder for a long time, with no luck. My
opinion of my own employer went down a notch as NCAR ran her around for
months, said they wanted her, then promoted a student assistant into the
position instead.
Eventually, she applied to jobs out of state. A company called "Eaton-
Kenway" offered her a job, and $10K more than her current salary. She
accepted. Unfortunately, EK is located in Salt Lake City, Utah. So,
in a flash, she brought an end to the closest relationship that either of
us has ever had, and moved to Salt Lake.
Now...the month before she left was very strange. We started sleeping
together. She finally met my mother. We both came to realize what we were
loosing. Lots of tears were shed by both of us. Toward the end, I came
to realize that I really wanted her to share the rest of my life, that
I did not want her to leave me alone.
So I brought this up. I suggested that maybe after a year or so, we could
bring our lives back together (we both agreed that separation for a while
would be good for us.) But this time, it would be as lifetime partners,
instead of roommates and friends. Maybe we could still make our business
work too. I was more than willing to move to SLC, since she could not really
quit this nice new job after one year.
She said no. She tells me that she loves me, that she still wants to start
a business, but that we should both find somebody else. She told me lots
of things, like "I don't want to commit myself to sleeping with one person"
and other sayings that women have always told me when they mean that they
are not interested.
Damn it, I don't understand. We can bring each other so much joy when we
want to, and that was true even up to the very end, when she left me at
the SLC airport. Even after we had the above discussion, we had a lot of
fun before I left. We lived together for years without even having one
big fight. We have so many dreams of what we want to do in the future.
Yet, she does not want me to be a big part of her future.
So here I am. My best friend is gone, and I have nobody to talk to. My
self esteem is crushed; I can't see any woman being interested in me now,
if Becky isn't after all the love and good times we shared. I have no
social life left to speak of. I break down in tears at my desk when I
am supposed to be getting work done. I am seriously wondering why I should
even continue to try to make something out of life, now that the most
valuable part of it has left. I really do not know what to do.
So here I am babbling out my situation to hundreds of strangers, and a
few semi-strangers (hi, Greg!). I don't know what sort of response I
expect, if any. I just need to talk and there is nobody to talk to.
For those of you who haven't gotten fed up and hit the 'q' or 'j' key,
thanks for listening.
--
jon
Greg Woods
Jon: I was going to mail this to you, but it has relevance to several people
I can think of in this group. I hope you don't mind my posting it instead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think the first thing you have to do is accept the fact that she is gone.
I know that is easier said than done, but it is essential. The reason you are
depressed is because you are comparing the world as it is to the way you
*wish* it were. This accomplishes nothing, and burns up a lot of your energy
that could be used to improve your life. I'm not trying to make a judgment
here; I'm not saying that what you are doing is good or bad, just calling
it as I see it. Lord knows I've spent more time than I care to in that space
myself. But I can see now that I was doing it to myself, just as you are now
doing it to *your*self.
You must realize several things. (Gee, I feel strange telling someone else
the way it is, when up til a few months ago I was one of the most confused
people I knew!) First off, you have a lot of beliefs about why she did what
she did, and you are determined to be right. This is blinding you. Secondly,
this woman clearly loved you a lot. Why would you think that no one else would?
Thirdly, just because it didn't work out with *this* woman doesn't mean
it couldn't work with someone else. Let me show you what I mean by analyzing
some quotes from your article. BTW I admire your courage and honesty in telling
this story to the whole net. How come I never met or heard about this lady
before?
> of things, like "I don't want to commit myself to sleeping with one person"
> and other sayings that women have always told me when they mean that they
> are not interested.
Why would you interpret that statement to mean she's not interested? Sounds
like that's what you *want* to have it mean, so you can be right about some
belief you have (like maybe the same one that I had, that you aren't attractive
to women?) I can see several other possible interpretations. First off, maybe
she meant exactly what she said! Just from a 90-line article, I can see that
*you* want that kind of commitment. I'm sure that after three years of being
as close as you were, *she* can see it too. Again, that's not a judgment, just
a statement. It's not good or bad, but you do have to be honest about what it
is that you want. Perhaps she saw that the two of you were not in alignment on
the relationship, by which I mean that you wanted different things from it.
Relationships that are not in alignment eventually "fail", by which I mean
that one or the other party decides that the relationship is no longer meeting
their needs. A second possibility is that maybe she's just plain scared of that
type of commitment, and rather than face her fear, she's running away. I don't
have enough information to determine which of these it is (or even if some
other interpretation is possible), but I can tell you one thing for sure: you
are invalidating evidence so that you can be right about your belief. A woman
doesn't hang around for three years if she isn't interested, you can bet on
that!
> Damn it, I don't understand.
Stop trying to understand. You are wasting your energy. Just accept things
the way they are. Eventually, you are going to have to. Resisting the way
things are doesn't work. You may as well accept it *now* and get on with
your life. If this woman found you desireable, there will be others.
I don't want to seem unfeeling here. I too often waste energy trying to
understand things that simply are. That's the bottom line. It really doesn't
matter whether you understand it or not, that's just the way it is.
> So here I am. My best friend is gone, and I have nobody to talk to. My
> self esteem is crushed; I can't see any woman being interested in me now,
> if Becky isn't after all the love and good times we shared.
As for the first part, I guarantee that isn't true. I am here for you and
I will support you in any way I can. I'm sure Forrest (a mutual friend, for
those of you out there in netland) feels the same way, and
I'll bet if you take off your blinders and look, there are plenty of others.
About the self-esteem part: consider that maybe *she* is the one who is messed
up, not you. It was *her* decision to leave, wasn't it? Sounds pretty stupid
to me, considering what you had. As for women not being interested in you, I
suggest you give up that belief. You can be right or you can be happy, take
your pick. Personally, I'd rather be wrong and be happy. Evaluate each woman
you meet on an individual basis. Don't start by assuming she isn't interested,
or worse, by wanting to *prove* she isn't interested (I'm real good at that
one!)
> I have no social life left to speak of.
Then start one! I'd be glad to meet you at Old Chicago for a beer one
night next week. I know I'm not Becky, I'm not even a woman, but you have to
start *somewhere*!
> I am seriously wondering why I should
> even continue to try to make something out of life, now that the most
> valuable part of it has left.
Well, that's bullshit. *You* are the most valuable part of your life. You
and the ability *you* have to touch the lives of others. I personally find
your company quite enjoyable. If a relationship with a woman is what makes
you happy, then work on starting a new one! You did it once, you can do it
again.
> So here I am babbling out my situation to hundreds of strangers, and a
> few semi-strangers (hi, Greg!). I don't know what sort of response I
> expect, if any. I just need to talk and there is nobody to talk to.
I don't know what kind of a reponse you will get either, but I can tell you
this much: sharing yourself with people as you have done is a good way to
turn strangers into friends, as long as you don't blind yourself to the love
and caring when it comes back to you (HEAR THAT, JEFF?)
Love to all,
--Greg
--
{ucbvax!hplabs | allegra!nbires | decvax!stcvax | harpo!seismo | ihnp4!stcvax}
!hao!woods
"...once in a while you can get shown the light
in the strangest of places if you look at it right..."
Beth Katz
>> So here I am. My best friend is gone, and I have nobody to talk to. My
>> self esteem is crushed; I can't see any woman being interested in me now,
>> if Becky isn't after all the love and good times we shared.
I'd like to second Greg's comments that just because one seemingly fantastic
relationship did not work, no others will work. However, I wouldn't just
drop Becky altogether. At least stay friends. Maybe she has a lot of growing
to do. Maybe she will come back, but don't dwell on it. Don't write her off
altogether. If you were great friends before, you can still be somewhat
great friends. Don't burn your bridges.
But don't give up on women altogether waiting for her to come back. Get out
there and meet some people. She's the one with the problem. You sound like
a caring person who shouldn't sit around moping about what was. Get up, dust
yourself off, and meet some people. You'll see that you're not as uninter-
esting as you may think at the moment.
>> So here I am babbling out my situation to hundreds of strangers, . . .
Well, we're listening and will try to give as much support as we can from
far away.
The world does not end when a relationship does, even though it may feel
like it at the time. There are a lot of other people out there in the world.
You may not see a lot of women on the net because we are in the minority in
computer-related fields, but there are some loving, caring MOTAS out there.
But you have to try to meet them. Find something you like to do and do it
with some friends. (Sex probably shouldn't be the chosen activity. :-) )
I like to play bridge. I've met a lot of people while playing bridge. Some
church groups are good places to meet people. Maybe a group ski trip would
be fun. Expand your group of friends, but don't be in a rush to find someone
new for a long-term relationship. Becky might come back, maybe she won't.
I feel like some of the details were missing from Jon's posting, and there
may be reasons why she will or will not return. But you can certainly try
to get on with your life. Enjoy being a person by yourself. I know it can
get lonely being alone, but sometimes it is fun to just do your own thing
when you want to do it. Go out with the guys/girls. Make some new friends.
Good luck with getting on with your life.
Note to net.singles readers: Sometimes these sentiments must be repeated.
Every so often, people want to know how to get on with their lives or how
to meet MOTASs. Does anybody have some other ideas of how they have met
people in the past? My current SO was a co-worker, so that topic has
already been discussed.
People are people too. Beth Katz
{seismo,allegra,rlgvax}!umcp-cs!beth
Sunny Kirsten
I edited your story down to be as condensed as I could and still contain
the essence of your experiences with Becky, and this is what I came up
with. I've lived through a very similar situation, made the same mistakes,
and with similar results. Having learned from my mistakes, I'm being *very*
careful to not expect all my needs to be met by my current SO. You must
maintain a social life outside your signifigant relationship, for expecting
one person to meet ALL your needs is VERY demanding and selfish. It can
also be indicative of insecurity. So go out and meet as many people as you
can, make as many new friends as you can, and maybe one of them will turn
into an "SO". But, having found a new SO, don't then cut back to being only
with her. KEEP your circle of friends too.
Sunny
--
{ucbvax,decvax,ihnp4}!sun!sunny
Pooh @ Your Department of Redundancy Department
> Every so often, people want to know how to get on with their lives or how
> to meet MOTASs. Does anybody have some other ideas of how they have met
> people in the past? My current SO was a co-worker, so that topic has
> already been discussed.
>
> People are people too. Beth Katz
> {seismo,allegra,rlgvax}!umcp-cs!beth
Well, actually, I met a wonderful person last summer when
he wrote to net.singles about the breakup of his relationship. . .
I wrote to express my condolences and offer my support, and we've
been great friends ever since. . .right, Greg?
Pooh
"Oh, Bobby, I'm sorry you got a head like a potato. . .I really am."
Andrew Banta
Jon,
I'm not big on giving advice, mainly because I think I fall far short of
the experience in many cases to do so. But I do feel sympathetically
for your problem. I have a female friend who I spend quite large
amounts of time with. It is quite clear to both of us that we are not
suited for each other in terms of marriage or SOship or anything else
along those lines. We ARE terrific friends. Shared meals, pizzas, etc
are probably the things that would be most apparent to most other people
that we got along exceptionally well. Shared conversations and mutual
trust for each other is what is apparent to both of us.
I've been finding it rather difficult to stay away from her for any
extended periods of time, and she feels the same way. Now I'm trying to
figure out what will happen when we go our separate ways. I don't know
if we will ever have to, but it seems rather inevitable. I really don't
even know why I'm posting this, except possibly to tell you you aren't
alone in this situation. Unfortunately, the system is telling me it is
leaving in a few minutes, so I can't continue.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Andy Banta {decvax!allegra!ihnp4}!pur-ee!pucc-k!agz
Dept. of Mental Instability, Purdue University --- "I'm OK, You're a CS Major"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
John Ruschmeyer
>Message-ID: <24...@umcp-cs.UUCP>
>
>Note to net.singles readers: Sometimes these sentiments must be repeated.
>Every so often, people want to know how to get on with their lives or how
>to meet MOTASs. Does anybody have some other ideas of how they have met
>people in the past?
I just had a rather interesting meeting with a MOTOS last week that seems
apropriate to the net community, so I'd like to share it:
I am a personal computer user and regularly call a local BBS. (Think of it
as a dial-up USENET in microcosm- no pun intended.) One of the groups on the
system is devoted to trivia and, for a while, seemed to have been vacated
by all but a young lady and myself.
After exchanging questions with her for some weeks, I finally got the nerve
up to send her personal mail via the system- nothing much, just a sort of
"who am I dealing with" inquiry. After a while at this we noted that we had
a few interests in common, including a particular movie we both wanted to
see.
The bottom line is that she gave me her number and we went out one evening
last week. (It's too early to say where it will end up, but I figure "one
step at a time". Jeff, are you reading this?)
Anyway, it to me seemed that this sort of thing could (should? does??)
happen on this net, particularly in one of the high concentration areas.
**********
Well, that's my story. Any others?
--
John Ruschmeyer ...!vax135!petsd!moncol!john
Monmouth College
W. Long Branch, NJ 07764
Kirk: You ought to sell a manual of instructions with these things.
Cyrano: If I did, Captain... what would happen to the search for knowledge?
Chuqui Q. Koala
>Jon writes:
>>> So here I am. My best friend is gone, and I have nobody to talk to. My
>>> self esteem is crushed; I can't see any woman being interested in me now,
>>> if Becky isn't after all the love and good times we shared.
>
>I'd like to second Greg's comments that just because one seemingly fantastic
>relationship did not work, no others will work. However, I wouldn't just
>drop Becky altogether. At least stay friends. Maybe she has a lot of growing
>to do. Maybe she will come back, but don't dwell on it. Don't write her off
>altogether. If you were great friends before, you can still be somewhat
>great friends. Don't burn your bridges.
I have to add my support to this-- nothing is the end of the world. I'm
sure it hurts, and I can sympathise, but dwelling on pain is masochistic.
Learn to face and deal with the pain, and you'll find (through time) that
it doesn't hurt as much.
I should point out one thing-- some relationships simply cannot move into
different forms and survive. What could be a very close friendship won't
survive as lovers. People who live together break up being married. There
are different advantages and disadvantages and stresses to all
relationships, and each relationship can survive different stresses better.
>>> So here I am babbling out my situation to hundreds of strangers, . . .
>
>Well, we're listening and will try to give as much support as we can from
>far away.
Very true. The main reason this group exists is to help all of us become
better people. Most of us have been in a similar situation, and we've all
had friend help us through it. The network limits what we can do in some
ways (but you might be suprised... *grin*) but we're here, and we care
about each other.
>You may not see a lot of women on the net because we are in the minority in
>computer-related fields, but there are some loving, caring MOTAS out there.
>But you have to try to meet them. Find something you like to do and do it
>with some friends. (Sex probably shouldn't be the chosen activity. :-) )
>I like to play bridge. I've met a lot of people while playing bridge.
Hmm... there is a terrible joke in there about bridging your way to a new
life, but I won't use it. You'd be suprised at the people you can meet on
the net, if you want to... The point is, don't sit back and hurt, go out
and find a reason to stop hurting. She may come back someday, but waiting
for her won't hurry that along. Who knows, she may come back, and you'll
find you aren't particulary interested. Or she may come back and you'll
drop everything. But doing nothing, and depending on her coming back, if
she doesn't you have nothing. Never get in a situation where you don't have
options for making your life better. Don't forget that in every US, there
are two ME's, too, and they need just as much nurturing to flourish.
chuq
--
From the ministry of silly talks: Chuq Von Rospach
{allegra,cbosgd,decwrl,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo}!nsc!chuqui nsc!chu...@decwrl.ARPA
Do not wait until tomorrow to tell someone you care. Tomorrow doesn't
always come.
Greg Woods
P.CARSTENSEN
relationship and starting over, giving someone who is currently
feeling rejected and unloveable a tough talk on quitting feeling
sorry about the past (Note the deft avoidance of he/she *grin*)
But I for one think that jumping over a period of mourning--
ramrodding yourself through that step, whatever--is a mistake that
you pay for in the end....I guess I think of being in love (or love,
I dunno which, for the record I have a VERY hard time saying "I love
you" because I internally equate it with a demanding sort of "I need
you" which I don't much like) is like the pictures they show in
third grade science books of magnetism--with all the little magnetic
particles lined up one way by the being-ness of the beloved....and
if and when the beloved goes away, you should allow yourself time
for all those little particles to return to random order, before you
get them lined up for someone else,
Alan M. Marcum
is likely to be valuable and interesting to many.
Jon, while reading your note, I thought back to my last traumatic
breakup. I remember being unable to think for a while, crying,
being in general pretty miserable. I'm still here. You will be,
too -- please.
You really are the most important part of your world. Yes, Becky
was pretty important. Give it a little time, sure, but get
yourself out and around people. I made a marvelous friend once
helping an acquaintance through a divorce, by just listening, and
being there.
You've made the first step -- you've though enough, felt enough,
hurt enough to scream help to the net. Contrary to many beliefs,
though it's a cold, cruel world out there, there are lots of
warm, kind people to help us all through it.
Yes, the thoughts of "starting over" are terrifying. Start over
anyway. Yes, the thoughts of "facing the world 'alone'" are
depressing. Face the world anyway. Yes, the thoughts of
worthlessness are overwhelming. You're worth something -- a lot
-- regardless.
Look forward. It can get even better. It has for many before
you, it will for many after you, why not for you, too?
And, by the way, thanks.
--
Alan M. Marcum Fortune Systems, Redwood City, California
...!{ihnp4, ucbvax!amd, hpda, sri-unix, harpo}!fortune!rhino!marcum
Snoopy
>computer-related fields
>But you have to try to meet them. Find something you like to do and do it
>with some friends. (Sex probably shouldn't be the chosen activity. :-) )
>Every so often, people want to know how to get on with their lives or how
>to meet MOTASs. Does anybody have some other ideas of how they have met
>people in the past? My current SO was a co-worker, so that topic has
>already been discussed.
>
>People are people too. Beth Katz
> {seismo,allegra,rlgvax}!umcp-cs!beth
There may not be a lot of women on the net, but the ones that are
are some of the nicest ladies you'll find anywhere. USENET is a
great way to meet people. You already have something in common,
you have an additional line of communication (telephone tag? foo!),
with a few possible exceptions, netters tend to be pretty intelligent.
There *are* problems. Like s/he may be hundreds or thousands of miles
away. Visits and phone calls get expensive. The size or color could be
wrong. Batteries may not be included, especially in the case of an
AI project. There may already be an SO. (hard to peek at ring-fingers
over the net)
Then there are the *ordinary* ways of meeting people, such as
joining a volleyball team, waxing the Sopwith Camel, hanging
out at the pub quaffing root beers...
_____
|___| the Bavarian Beagle
_|___|_ Snoopy
\_____/ tektronix!mako!seifert
\___/
Don Wegeng
>I should point out one thing-- some relationships simply cannot move into
>different forms and survive.
It's a shame, but it's true. I had a beautiful relationship for
my last two years of college which fell apart quickly after we graduated
(we both moved to the same (new) city). I doubt if I ever know
for sure why it happened, but my best guess is that between the pressures
of new jobs, making new friends (and missing our old friends), etc. there
was just too much strain on the relationship. Let me tell you, suddenly
finding yourself without any close friends nearby is quite a shock to
the system. I spent quite a bit of money on long distance phone bills
that first year.
Jon, the things that cause relationships to end are just too complicated
for people to figure out in a short period of time. Learn to accept
that you're going to hurt for what's going to seem like a long time, but
you're going to make it. There are a lot of us out here who are living
proof of this.
--
/Don
"You cannot kill a cat merely by getting it caught under a fan belt;
if it were that easy, people would do it more often."
arpa: Wegen...@Xerox.ARPA
uucp: {allegra,princeton,decvax!rochester,amd,sunybcs}!rocksvax!dw
|| ihnp4!tropix!ritcv!rocksvax!dw
Michael Richmond
> as a dial-up USENET in microcosm- no pun intended.) One of the groups on the
> system is devoted to trivia and, for a while, seemed to have been vacated
> by all but a young lady and myself.
>
> After exchanging questions with her for some weeks, I finally got the nerve
> up to send her personal mail via the system- nothing much, just a sort of
> "who am I dealing with" inquiry. After a while at this we noted that we had
> a few interests in common, including a particular movie we both wanted to
> see.
>
> The bottom line is that she gave me her number and we went out one evening
> last week. (It's too early to say where it will end up, but I figure "one
> step at a time". Jeff, are you reading this?)
> Well, that's my story. Any others?
> --
> John Ruschmeyer ...!vax135!petsd!moncol!john
i met someone the same way this summer. she had been in a computer course
here at princeton last year in which i was moderately involved and so knew my
name. when she heard that i was working up at masscomp in massachusetts (hi
guys) she sent some mail saying hello, and i answered back. we got to the point
of exchanging letters every day and eventually set up two visits, one for
each of us to the other's home. while i wouldn't say that we were at any time
heavily involved, we were and still are very good friends.
and, although i know she'll do me great bodily harm if she ever reads this,
i have to tell someone about the very first thing she ever said to me. it was
back when i was acting as a clinician for the course she was taking; she had
just made a new .plan file and wanted to show it off, so she turned to the
person sitting next to her (me) and said "Would you finger me?" can any of
you top THAT as an opening line?
--
Michael Richmond Princeton University, Astrophysics
{allegra,akgua,burl,cbosgd,decvax,ihnp4,noao,princeton,vax135}!astrovax!richmon
Raju Bopardikar
>
A suggestion to Jon's and Doug's out there ...
I am new to the net and this is the first time I am posting to it
althouhg I have been reading it for a while .
I have recently have had a similar "break-up" experience, actually
it was so much like the one Paul Vixie ((of the love and war fame)
(part 1 of 2 of course)) had, that he could have been writing about
my relationship.
No matter what the actual circumstances are that lead up to a
break-up situation, if it has lasted for any length of time
it is very painful and as such has the potential to do much more harm.
Not only in an emotional sense but also your relationships with your
friends,co-workers and possibly your career.
In the beginning you tend to withdraw from everybody, can't concentrate
at work, don't really care about work and generally become
not such a nice person to be around (in the sense that seeing your
depression people will generally leave you alone either because
they think you want to be left alone or because they don't want to
be pulled down or get depressed .) [the guy who wrote about the
up and down cycles said it much better] (sorry for not getting your name)
This is even worse when your girlfriend was your best friend (as was
my case too, jon). For me things were compounded by the fact that
I had been away (in Atlanta) for 4 months and then was placed in a totally
different location (New Jersey (a few jokes here..)) so the only person
that I knew in the area was my girlfriend (she lives near the area).
[ briefly ... my girlfriend and I met at college in N.Y.C, went out
for a year , had a long dist. relationship the year after (she
went to grad school in Albany)... lived togeather in a *small*
dorm apt. shared between 3 other girls (it was a gilrs dorm and we
had our own room) and two cats (my girlfriend's) during a N.Y.C
summer with no air-conditioning (of course).... and incredibly
SURVIVED .... that fall she left grad school and moved back to
the N.Y.C area to work (she lived in New Jersey this time)
(we both lived at home at this time since we couldn't get a apt.)...
we saw each other almost every day since we both worked in N.Y.C ...
.. year 3 (see above) ]
I had just being back for about a month when everything went SPLAA.
And I had the same type of reactions and moments of uncontrolled
emotion (not always at the best of times) that Jon described.
I found myself doing some serious self-destructive things, like
drinking heavily, driving dangerously fast, etc.
Needless to say everything was falling apart mostly due to neglect
on my part. Then one day I got a speeding ticket (for doing about 80
in a 50 mile zone) and I realized that if kept things up this way
I would only succeed in getting myself killed.
So I sat down and decided to make a real effort to stop my present course\
and maybe turn myself around.
This is what I did and I believe it might work for others.
I realized that I was reacting out of fear of being by myself. Like
Jon my circle of friends had closed down to my girlfriend and one or
two others. I had not really been by myself (even when in Atlanta
we used to talk almost everyday and she had visited me a couple of times)
But now suddenly I was really alone with no one to really talk to.
The first thing I did was read a couple of books on stress and stress
management, because if anything, THIS was a stressful situation.
Then I joined a local Y for exercise ... working out does wonders for
relieving stress (so does crying but in a limited way).
I taught myself (or was it forced) to go to restaurants by myself
believe it or not this is very difficult (at least it was for me)
Next came going to movies by myself.
Picking up a hobby also helps.
Use this oppurtunity to learn about yourself, do the things that
you like to do, most importantly learn to enjoy your own company.
This is not to imply that I did not try to make friends at work or
wherever. Actually I made a few friends at the restaurants and bars
that I went to often (yes I still do drink but not heavily).
What I was trying to do was to be able to enjoy my own company
so that I wasn't feeling misirable and sorry for myself all the
time when I was by myself (especially on the weekends).
It's not easy and its taken me a little over 4 months to get to a
point where I can write about it. But the trick is to accept the
situation, recognize that it has the potential to turn into a
dangerous situation for you and make a real effort to control it
and learn from it.
I think one of the main reasons we feel like our whole world has just
been blown apart is that we had gotten too used to having some around and
never being really alone. Once we find that we can stand by ourselves
than it takes a lot of pressure off of our friends. This is particularly
dangerous, there is a great temptation to go out and GET another
girlfriend or try to go to bars and pickup some one up, etc. But
these REBOUND relationships or friendships never last very long
( two weeks in my case) because we are not forming these new
friendships because we WANT to but because we NEED to. And if you
do anything because you NEED to at this time (i.e drink,new girlfriend,etc)
then you are just headed for more trouble.
Thats why it is important to learn to be by yourself (there is a lot
that I have learned about myself that I don't think I would have
otherwise). Then you can do things because you WANT to and NOT because
you NEED to.
Of course some pain will always linger on and there will be times
when you will feel so lonly that you won't be able to stand it.
Thats usually when I head for a bar (to be among some people that
I know like the bartender and Mr. Molson). But these times come
further and further apart.
Eventually, about a month from now I'll call my girlfriend
and see if she is interested in becoming friends as by that
time I'll be able to be a friend and hopefully so will she.
Sorry for the length of this letter but somehow once the flood
gates are opened it's hard to close them again.
One last thing, I think that this net has helped me a lot, by
allowing me to see that I was not the only one with a broken heart
or whatever.
with warm affection ,
--- raj
..clyde!bonnie!raj
(the answer to "what is love ?" is "what was love")
Snoopy
>third grade science books of magnetism--with all the little magnetic
>particles lined up one way by the being-ness of the beloved....and
>if and when the beloved goes away, you should allow yourself time
>for all those little particles to return to random order, before you
>get them lined up for someone else,
Perhaps this effect depends on whether you have a magnetic personality.
(hey, *someone* had to say it! :-) )
gee, my particles are forming words ... almost make it out ...
HEY YOU GUYS, KNOCK IT OFF! If you're not going to spell
out something constructive, don't spell out anything at all!
Jeff Sargent
> I have a VERY hard time saying "I love you" because I internally equate it
> with a demanding sort of "I need you" which I don't much like
Gee.... I have the opposite problem. I have a very hard time saying "I love
you" because I equate it with "I am agreeing to do things for you, to support
you (not financially [not yet, at least], but emotionally and spiritually), to
give to you, to give you some power over me" -- and that is something I have a
tough time with; I especially don't like that last one, since it seems to be
the nature of people to misuse, abuse, overuse power.
--
-- Jeff Sargent
{decvax|harpo|ihnp4|inuxc|ucbvax}!pur-ee!pucc-h:aeq
"Grate on the Lord, get on His nerves, and you shall get what you want...." :-)
the absurdist
>I am a personal computer user and regularly call a local BBS. (Think of it
>as a dial-up USENET in microcosm- no pun intended.) One of the groups on the
>system is devoted to trivia and, for a while, seemed to have been vacated
>by all but a young lady and myself.
>Well, that's my story. Any others?
>
A cautionary tale: There is a board here in Madison called "The Absurd"
run for pure fun. On it, I noticed many gutsy postings from a woman
who was the only identifiably female voice on the board (most people were
operating under pseudonyms like "Rom Chip"); as a result, she was getting
a lot of semi-humorous flak from the BBSers. I rather liked her style and
decided to do something "I've never done this before" that I'd never done
before. To whit, ask a total stranger out on a blind date. Actually, it
was fairly tame; some dozen friends of mine, many of whom were on the BBS
also, were going out dancing and I asked her if she'd like to join us.
Well, I got back a nice reply saying no. "Things would have to change
significantly in my life to be able to accept your offer" were her words.
Time passed. Eventually, I got a message from someone I knew thru
my consulting job here. He said he'd been corresponding on the BBS with
me both under his own name and under a pseudonym, and wanted to let me
know who he was, since he felt bad about seeing me in person and having
our relation less than "upfront"; and added that the deception had been
unintentional.
I'm sure we can all guess who he turned out to be. Yes, the Absurd's
only declared female, the woman I'd asked out for a date...turned out
to be a guy.
Wasn't there a rock and roll song called "Mama warned me I'd meet
girls like you" ?
--
"She said Hey babe --- take a walk on the wild side"
-- Lou Reed
Rick Keir -- MicroComputer Information Center, MACC
1210 West Dayton St/U Wisconsin Madison/Mad WI 53706
{allegra, ihnp4, seismo}!uwvax!uwmacc!rick