12days/xmas, RUDE-NOT ENCRYPTED
grkermit!jim
From: MXB 11-NOV-1982 10:15
To: JJM_374
Subj: On the x-th day....
From: TANNENBAUM 22-DEC-1981 09:21
To: @[BMT]LOCAL
Subj: The 12 Days of Christmas
This came to me from an anonymous source. Thought you might enjoy it.
Merry Christmas!
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14,1981
Dearest John,
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a
partridge and a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful
gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1981
Dearest John,
Today the postman brought your vey sweet gift. Just imagine
- two turtle doves! I'm delighted at your very thoughtful
gift. They are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1981
Dear John,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must really
protest. I don't deserve such generosity - French hens.
They are just darling, but I must insist - you've been too
kind.
Love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1981
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now, really,
they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough?
You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1981
Dearest John,
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered 5 golden
rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I
love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning
to get on my nerves.
All my Love,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1981
Dear John,
When I opened the door there were actually six geese
a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds
again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket.
Please Stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1981
John,
What's with you and those fucking birds? Seven swans
a-swimming. What kind of goddamn joke is this? There's
bird shit all over the house and they never stop with the
racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck.
It's not funny, so stop with those fucking birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1981
OK, Buster,
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with eight maids a-milking? It's not enough with all those
birds and eight maids a-milking, but they had to bring their
goddamn cows. There's shit all over the lawn, and I can't
move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1981
Hey, Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers
playing. And Christ, do they play. They've never stopped
chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning.
The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over
those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1981
You Rotten Prick,
Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call
those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all
night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got
diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause
why the building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it.
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1981
Listen, Fuckhead,
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and
ladies? Some of these broads will never walk again. Those
pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy
with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been
trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you
rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
Law Offices
Badger, Bender, and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Denver, Colorado
December 25, 1981
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers
fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client,
Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If
you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for
your arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole